Prying Open My Third Eye

Of Bones, Brains, Chemistry and Poetry

2010-10-23T09:39:00.001-07:00

So, yeah, it's been awhile. A lot of things went wrong in September and I just didn't feel like posting all kinds of depressing crap, and then school started and I've been a busy girl since that moment. I am taking 18 credits, like a crazy person, and working part-time but somehow apparently, it's working all right. I want to talk about my classes b/c there's some pretty cool stuff.

I am taking chemistry, for the first time since high school, and taking chemistry makes me realize that I am definitely a biology girl and not so into the chemistry. I perk up when we talk about things with biological significance, so I have a feeling that I may end up being one of those people who prefers organic chem to general. Still, after some initial frustration, I am getting into the chem and the mindset for it, and getting into solving the problems and getting familiar with the periodic table and the common ions again (I used to have this stuff memorized in high school). And I have a few friends in the class, so it's cool. This is the class that it has taken the longest to warm up to, but I am grudgingly starting to like it. There's a lot of homework, some to be done online as part of the grade and some to do at home for practice, and when I get into doing these things, things start to click and I get lost in it and feel pretty satisfied when done.

The lab for Chem is pass/fail only, no grade, so there's a bit less pressure there. I like my lab TA - very helpful and thorough, and things like staying to go over equations are optional so leaving early is nice, considering my lab ends at 8:30pm.

I'm also taking Intro to Behavioral Neuroscience through the psych department. It's cool b/c it is actually a lot of biology. We spent the first part of the class talking about neurons and the parts of the cell and cell receptors and channels and how neurotransmitters work and now we are going very in-depth into the gross anatomy of the brain. We are watching dissection videos and playing with models of the brain with detachable parts and going a lot more in depth than our book does. A huge part of the class is drawing assignments. For example, so far we had to draw a prototypic neuron, two different kinds of synapses, and a lateral view of the brain. I didn't sign up for the class expecting that I would need a sketchbook and colored pencils, but it's cool. I actually get really into it. I always really enjoyed the drawing parts of bio lab when we had to draw dissected squid eyes or detailed flower parts or dividing cells, and with the neuro class, I don't have to pretend to be able to see shit through a microscope, I just draw and color in what I know. It feels good the way that writing or playing music does; it's artistically satisfying.

My drawing of the right lateral view of the brain:

The prof for the neuro class works (outside of being a prof) looking at brain damage in criminals, so that's a really interesting aspect that he brings to the class. We also end up having lots of questions and discussions about things like brain effects of Ultimate Fighting and boxing.

I am also taking a creative writing class, called Writing and Healing, which also required a sketching journal and art supplies. I never thought my two 400-level classes would involve so much art. It's a pretty intense class. We do a lot of journaling, read a lot of poetry in class, go deep into our life stories and all that good stuff. We also have to read five books and write papers on them, and also write two papers on our journals, so there is a fair amount of work with the class. I've read two books so far, both by local authors, Live Through This by Debra Gwartney and Little Green by Loretta Stinson, and currently working on Small Wonder by Barbara Kingsolver.

On the first day of class, my prof read us some poems by Sharon Olds, who I love, including "I Go Back to May, 1937" which is one of my favorites, ever. She also read us "The Solution" which set the tone for the class that nothing is off-limits.

So needless to say, I was psyched that my prof read some Sharon Olds, and "The Solution" is definitely a daring choice! We also heard poetry from a book called In The Surgical Theater, which, ya know, just totally made my day. On the first day of this class, the prof told us about going to a conference at Duke University about medicine and writing, that involved doctors, medical students, writers, poets, etc, and the thought of these things coming together made my head want to explode with awesomeness of it all.

I will share one poem that I heard in the class. I am so drawn to anything involving the moon, so was really struck by this poem:

Facts About the Moon
by Dorianne Laux

The moon is backing away from us
an inch and a half each year. That means
if you’re like me and were born
around fifty years ago the moon
was a full six feet closer to the earth.
What’s a person supposed to do?
I feel the gray cloud of consternation
travel across my face. I begin thinking
about the moon-lit past, how if you go back
far enough you can imagine the breathtaking
hugeness of the moon, prehistoric
solar eclipses when the moon covered the sun
so completely there was no corona, only
a darkness we had no word for.
And future eclipses will look like this: the moon
a small black pupil in the eye of the sun.
But these are bald facts.
What bothers me most is that someday
the moon will spiral right out of orbit
and all land-based life will die.
The moon keeps the oceans from swallowing
the shores, keeps the electromagnetic fields
in check at the polar ends of the earth.
And please don’t tell me
what I already know, that it won’t happen
for a long time. I don’t care. I’m afraid
of what will happen to the moon.
Forget us. We don’t deserve the moon.
Maybe we once did but not now
after all we’ve done. These nights
I harbor a secret pity for the moon, rolling
around alone in space without
her milky planet, her only child, a mother
who’s lost a child, a bad child,
a greedy child or maybe a grown boy
who’s murdered and raped, a mother
can’t help it, she loves that boy
anyway, and in spite of herself
she misses him, and if you sit beside her
on the padded hospital bench
outside the door to his room you can’t not
take her hand, listen to her while she
weeps, telling you how sweet he was,
how blue his eyes, and you know she’s only
romanticizing, that she’s conveniently
forgotten the bruises and booze,
the stolen car, the day he ripped
the phones from the walls, and you want
to slap her back to sanity, remind her
of the truth: he was a leech, a fuckup,
a little shit, and you almost do
until she lifts her pale puffy face, her eyes
two craters and then you can’t help it
either, you know love when you see it,
you can feel its lunar strength, its brutal pull.

This poem really spoke to me. "Forget us. We don't deserve the moon."

Almost completely jumping tracks here, I have to talk about my favorite class - Anatomy & Physiology. I've been looking forward to this for a long time, and it is my one true biology course this term. I really love it. I love learning about the workings of the body. So far we have done a basic overview of the building blocks like proteins and lipids, the workings of the cell, and then all the different tissue types of the body. For the exam this past week, I was totally ready to identify things like pseudostratified columnar epithelium, the features of all the different types of connective tissue and to identify all the places in the body where all the tissue types can be found. It wasn't quite that in depth though. Now we are going on to skin, and soon to the physiology of bones and muscles.

The way it's set up, the lectures are mostly physiology and the labs are mostly anatomy. So, in lab, we started out the first week with learning the bones, first of the vertebral column, sternum and pelvic girdle, then limbs and shoulder girdle, and then lastly, the skull and face (and hyoid bone). On Friday there was a bone practical for which I had to know all the bones of the body, and all their bumps and ridges and lines and divets and smooth surfaces and HOLES (the skull has a lot of holes), be able to spell everything right, and also be able to identify bones as right or left. I originally thought this would be incredibly challenging because of my low vision, but it turned out not to be a big barrier at all. Most of this was done with plastic (or real) bones to handle while learning this stuff, and while taking the tests. I also got a skeleton, which is big help in practicing things. I was able to take his head off, take off the top part of his skull and examine all the bone structures. I also was describing this to a friend of mine (who's a naturopath and also had a skeleton for practice when she was going through school) while at a cafe on campus and was thinking, wow, anyone who overhears this conversation about me taking heads apart is going to think I'm one twisted sister.

For the quizzes and practicals in the class, what happens is we walk in and get quiz/practical sheets and have to start at a station with a bone. Then we have to identify the bone or the structure (and as I was saying, w/proper spelling, and also identifying right or left). We get a minute and then have to move on to the next station. And so on. For the practical we had FIFTY bone stations, and a bit more time per station because a lot of them had two questions, like name the structure and the overall bone, or name the structure and name what articulates with it. My lab TA kept asking me if I would need extra time and assuring me that if I did I could stay after, but I didn't. I like to take the tests like everyone else. Plus, I was really confident that I knew the bones inside and out. I felt really good about turning in my sheet, filled out, with everyone else.

I find the anatomy lab very soothing, at least so far. Going in there and spending time examining bones and learning all their structures just really soothed me. That is probably pretty weird, but hey whatever works, right? Learning all these things also means I have words like medial malleolus, foramen spinosum, greater occipital protuberance, linea aspera, subscapular fossa and distal phalanges running around my head all day. Another cool thing was that learning the skull in anatomy lab coincided with learning the gross anatomy of the brain in neuro class, so I got to kinda integrate the two. Now when I look at the sella turcica (translation: turkish saddle) of the sphenoid bone of the skull, I automatically think, that's where the pituitary gland sits. I love it.

Sella turcica: (looking at the inside of the skull from above - that big hole you can see near the bottom of the pic is the foramen magnum, basically the opening to the spinal cord)

Starting this week we will be working with human cadavers and I am both excited and a little freaked out about the idea. I mean I have not seen many dead people, knock on wood, at all, so I'm wondering how it will be emotionally. On the other hand, what a great way to REALLY see how the body works, what connects where, and so on and to learn, really learn. Definitely with these classes I am appreciating different learning methods, like how drawing the brain stuff helps make the learning more physical in your body, how the tactile learning of the bones adds a new dimension.

My last class is a one-credit class called the Art of Medicine, which I had to apply to get into. It's taught at the hospital near my apartment, by a doctor of family medicine. It's really interesting, we talk about things like professionalism, communication, how to take a patient history, and most recently, how medical billing works. That was particularly interesting because I really want to take some classes that get into the social justice aspect of healthcare, so it was good to get a crash course in how it works, though I know there is a lot more to learn. The class only meets five times, and there are two more left. On the last class we do some sort of fake thing on a mannequin and also take a fake patient history (on a med student) which I'm pretty excited and nervous for. I don't talk much in that class. I just have the feeling everyone else is further along in their studies and experience.

The only downside of the class is that on days that I have it I have to leave A&P early in order to catch a ride with a friend. One time I had to leave while my A&P prof was talking about Van Gogh and how he may have had blue vision, a side effect of digitalis and some of the supporting evidence and how this may have affected his art. It was really interesting!

Along with all that, I am working part-time, from home, for an accessibility project for SimBiotic Software and their Eco Beaker virtual labs. Right now I am doing a lot of investigating science accessibility stuff that's already out there, as well as accessible games.

Somehow I am managing to take all these classes, work, and still have a social life. Oh and still find time to do things like watch House, even during the craziest week of classes so far! I like the challenges, honestly, of fitting it all in but man have I been tired. In fact I may go take a little nap. It's perfect afternoon for that, with a steady rain going on outside. I'm still struggling a bit with time management and figuring out how to make best use of my studying time. All these classes say things like "for every hour you spend in class, you should spend three at home." Well if I did that I would never sleep or eat or leave the house or work, so it is all about how to be smart about it.

It is an insane amount at once but I am just loving it :) And now, time for a nap.

Currently listening:
"The Chain" - Ingrid Michaelson - love, love, love this song. Will be seeing her live on Saturday, very cool. REALLY hope she plays this song, by far my favorite of hers at the moment.

The Chain

The sky looks pissed
The wind talks back
My bones are shifting in my skin
And you, my love, are gone

My room seems wrong
The bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you, my love, are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take
The chain from off the door

I'll never say
I'll never love
But I don't say a lot of things
And you, my love, are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take the chain from off the door
So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take the chain from off the door

More About Medicine

2010-08-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

I announced on my facebook a week or so ago that I'm going pre-med in school, which is something I've been thinking about for a long time and want to say more about. I've been thinking of it as "my big secret" for awhile, but really it was more just something that was so new, and I was so uncertain of, that I had to keep it to myself for awhile.

And it really has been awhile. I first started thinking about it before my trip to India, back when I was visiting and applying to schools. I found myself really craving science, and really drawn towards medical this or that (and no, I don't just mean House and Grey's Anatomy, lol) in my reading and explorations. But I kinda thought I was crazy to even think about it. I mean, I'm old, or so it seemed, to make that sort of career choice. And I wasn't one of those kids who got in trouble for watching operations on TV and didn't people who wanted to go to medical school know it from the time they were born? It was such a difficult endeavor that I thought I was nuts to even consider it. Oh yeah, and then there's the low vision thing. Yeah.

So for awhile, I was in this weird state of thinking about it but not even wanting to admit to myself that I was thinking about it. I was sure I was just plain crazy. But it did factor in. When I chose what schools to apply to, I made sure I could do prereqs there (even at Emerson) and when I visited schools I took a little notebook with me to record impressions, and along with general info and gut feelings and coincidences, and experience sitting in on classes, I noted medical-related things in my little journal as well, like Evergreen giving out a list of what medical/law schools their grads got into, or how at Portland State the tour guide mentioned that there's a cadaver lab for pre-med students and that while walking around I heard students having a conversation about Rh factor. So it was somewhere in my consciousness enough to note those things down in the notebook.

And then I went to India, and came back, and started planning to move to Portland, and then thought about that program in Denver and at the last minute chose to start school, all the while with this on my mind, sorta kinda. But by the time I actually started school, it was more solidified. Even though it was kinda painful to do so, as it brought up all the feelings of, OMG I must be crazy, I signed up for a one-credit class called Intro Pre-Med which was pass/fail and just meant to give overall info on the process.

When I stayed w/a friend last August in Portland, I had mostly felt overwhelmed by how big the city was (after living on Orcas Portland seems like NYC) and kinda intimidated about getting around. I had taken one bus trip to Portland State and had gotten lost a few times along the way. So when I came back to actually move in, I stayed w/the same friend for a few days before my apartment became available, it was in the middle of Portland State's orientation week and they had sent me this list of activities and one of them was for people considering going pre-med. I wanted to go, yet I was afraid to go.

I don't know what it was, but the first morning back in Portland, I somehow felt on fire and got up early, jumped on the bus and went to my school and went to the seminar. I got a little lost on the way, and walked in late. And kinda spent the whole time waiting for someone to tell me I shouldn't be there. I felt the same way in that one-credit class, especially when I disclosed my disability to the professors. But you know what? No one ever said anything. The seminar and later the class provided lots of information, and the class required us to write reflections about different speakers who came to talk to us so it gave me a way to think and reflect more on this possibility. And I was, by far, not the oldest person in the class. There were people from all lifestyles and backgrounds, people with previous (or current careers) in something else, people with kids and family at home, people with all kind of lives that sort of broke open my restrictive feelings of why I couldn't do it.

And then, somewhere along the lines, I learned that there were some blind MDs out there, some that became blind later and continued to practice (with one anesthesiologist, he continued to practice after going blind, at the request of his patients) and some that went through med school blind. And then there is my good friend who is blind and a naturopathic physician. It's definitely not a common thing, and I'm sure when I'm applying, I'll have to deal with a lot of misconceptions and people thinking I can't do it, but it has been done, successfully. People have found all kinds of alternative ways of doing things. I also found out recently that there is a woman with my same condition who is working as a nurse.

What has really tipped the scales for me is how at home I feel in the biology classes. I have thoroughly loved them all so far, and feel like it somehow fits better than any other college major I tried out before. I am especially drawn to the medical aspects, and loved the little crash course we did in A&P in the spring, and keep reading medical-related books even while taking these classes. And going into medicine, to me, seems like a great way to combine my love for the science aspect of it with the human element, a way to settle, in some ways, the right brain/left brain tug-of-war that has always been at work in the past when I've been in school.

So it's been on my mind for awhile. It was on my mind in India and we visited free clinics (although of course the only time I had real digestion issues in all of India had to be while touring a free clinic in Bodhgaya). It was on my mind when I was at the NFB (National Federation of the Blind) convention last summer and my roommate had a medical emergency and I went w/her to the hospital. And at other times during the conference when people would say things like, "My blindness is due to sarcoidosis," and I had to restrain myself from asking all manner of socially inappropriate and prying questions about their medical conditions. But it was after this summer, especially after, and a bit during, my immunology class that I started to really get a more solid sense of yeah, this is what I want to do, and I can do it. And that's when I started being more public about it.

Of course, nothing is ever certain. Who knows what I might find along the way or what new path may open itself to me, or if I get some healthcare experience and decide, whoa, not my thing, but for now, I'm pretty sure this is the direction I'm headed. And I'm really psyched about it. I also feel like this coming year will be a bit of a test of that direction, as I'll be full-time, and will be taking a few different science classes at once, and will be doing a year's worth of Anatomy & Physiology (which I'm so amped for, I've already started looking at the book, yes I'm a dork). And I want to start bringing in some Health Studies classes as well, because those look at the social justice issues involved in medicine and healthcare, which gives me a way to get the social justice stuff in there, and still focusing on medicine. I think that'll help round me out. A friend of mine pointed out that there's a long tradition of physician writers (so true) and I was thinking, there's also a tradition of physician activists.

So, I guess that's all I have to say about it for now. In my job search, I'm trying to get a job that somehow relates to healthcare, at a hospital or a clinic or find a good volunteer opportunity that relates. The volunteer position I applied to (and talked about in my last post) was with cord blood donation, which would have been SO COOL on so many levels, esp as I find myself drawn towards things like immunology, fetal development/women's health, which all would have related to that program, but I did not get that opportunity, at least not this time around! So, onward to the next things.

I just found out, as of a few hrs ago, that I got into a class called The Art of medicine for the fall term! I am really excited about that. It takes place at a local hospital and is taught by physicians (and the hospital is right near where I live, too) and to get in, I had to apply, write some essays, etc, so I am thrilled that I got in and can't wait for the class.

To be honest, I don't quite know what to do w/myself now that I don't have class!

Anyway, I could go on and on about this sort of thing, b/c I'm really into it, but maybe that'll be it for now.

Currently listening:
"Winter Song" - Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson - yeah I must admit that my musical leanings seem to be more romantic and maybe a bit sappy or cheesy as of late, which is kinda funny considering my recent post that my poetry tastes are not. But whatever, I love this song.

Winter Song

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause youre not where you belong;
inside my arms

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause youre not where you belong;
inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Applying to Jobs with a Disability

2010-07-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

It's a challenge, which is probably fairly obvious.

I go through this cycle sometimes, and it happened again today. I hear about a job, or in this case it was actually a volunteer position, and it really sparks my interest and I start thinking of all the reasons it's perfect for me and how much I would love to do it. And I start feeling this hopefulness and excitement and like my passion has been ignited in a way, and I feel it in my heart, my gut.

And then, along with that at a very slight delay, is the maelstrom of crappy feelings, all the worry that even if I get an interview, I'll never be picked, because of my disability, because even if I know I can do the job I won't be able to convince the person doing the hiring that I can. They'll have too many questions. And then there's the fact that deep down, I have my own worries that maybe they're right. So it starts to feel like this impossible wanting, like I really want the job or opportunity but I'll never be chosen. It sucks.

I've had some weird job interviews. I usually try to at least somewhat address my visual impairment because I know they are wondering about it. My eyes move. I don't really make eye contact. It's not like I can hide it. It's obvious. And if I bring it up, it usually makes the other person uncomfortable or they get quiet or a seemingly good interview seems to take a turn in the wrong direction. And sometimes I can tell that the moment the person realizes I'm visually-impaired, the door is closed. Living with something like this all your life, it gets so you can tell when a person is reacting to that, when they're uncomfortable, when they start talking to you like you might be mentally retarded, or fifteen years younger than you are. You can tell when they don't really believe you can do it.

It's grueling. I hate applying for jobs (doesn't everyone?) partly because I just don't want to deal with people's shitty attitudes and the uncomfortable situations and all the rejection.

The thing is, I've had a lot of jobs. In my life, I've worked in a kitchen, as an environmental education instructor, as a camp counselor at two very different camps, at a bookstore, a department store, a movie theater and for a short while, at a library. And I've worked as a self-employed editor/writing coach/transcriber and taught a writing class. It's not like I don't have a good track record. But none of that seems to matter, most of the time.

And the hardest part is knowing what to say and when. When I was younger, I basically just didn't address it. I didn't really even want to admit it to myself so I didn't talk about that with employers, but as I said, it is obvious, so, they knew. And as far as how that worked out - hard to say. I got some jobs, didn't get others, and some of my job experience was with the visually-impaired community, so maybe that made it easier.

As I got older I wanted to be more direct, as I've often found that not doing that is a disadvantage, leaves people with questions they feel they can't ask, etc. And that worked out...okayish. I mean, I got jobs, but it was often after months of looking.

And then I moved to Portland. Now, I was admittedly, out of practice. I'd had the same job for six years. I hadn't applied for a job in a long time. I decided to be even more open and usually mentioned my visual-impairment in my cover letter, in passing, assuring them that it would not affect my ability to do the job.

Well, I have not even gotten an interview. And yeah, it's hard to find jobs in Portland. Unemployment is at a real high, and you hear all kinds of stories about people with advanced degrees working at coffee shops with no benefits, that sort of thing. So, it's hard for everyone, and there is the factor that I am entering a different field (science) but I can't help wondering if my openness about my disability plays a part in the fact that I'm not getting asked to interviews.

70-75% of blind and visually-impaired people are unemployed. That number is STAGGERING, especially because there are so many gifted, brilliant and talented blind people who could do any number of jobs. A lot of the people who are employed are under-employed, or work in the visual-impairment field, which is great for those that are really into it, but it's not my personal calling.

I went to my school's career center a few months ago and this woman there looked over my resume and cover letter. She had almost no corrections. A little changing of this and that around, really like three comments in total. She didn't think that was the problem, at all. But she did tell me to take out everything that referenced my disability. Her advice was to leave no trace of that fact in my resume or cover letter (which feels a little...dishonest), and to wait until I get called for an interview and then mention it, somehow, after they ask but before I arrive. Because if I just show up all visually-impaired without giving them any indication they'll feel like I've tried to pull one over on them.

In the last few months, I've heard the same advice from other people as well. Still, it feels weird and awkward to deal with. I think the fact that I am now not putting anything like that on my application materials makes me feel a little dishonest and guilty. I dread the thought of going to those interviews, with people who probably will wish, after they invite me to go to one and I tell them I'm visually-impaired, that they could take the invite back.

So I've put off applying to this one job I REALLY want for awhile. I just don't want to get rejected! It is a job I KNOW I could do, one that totally fits my skills and strengths and interests but I don't know, I get scared. I just kinda don't want to deal. And then today I found out about a volunteer opportunity that is also kinda perfect, totally related to two different things I'm interested in, is only two hours a week (so I could potentially do the job and the volunteer thing and school - I'm at my best when I have a lot going on) would be an amazing opportunity and I have such genuine interest. And it's really close to where I live. And it would just be so, so awesome, and I find myself wanting to put off applying for that too b/c of the same shit.

I realize at this point that I am standing in my own way! If I don't jump on this, others will. It just sucks so much sometimes to get all excited and then there's the let down. It is just hard sometimes to want to face dealing with all the rest of everything. I get all nervous and immobilized and that just isn't helping the situation any. It just sucks sometimes and it can be hard to feel motivated to face the suckiness and awkwardness and the dilemma of how much do I say or not say and what's right and what's not and dealing with the other person's discomfort. Ugh.

But if I really want these opportunities, I've gotta grab 'em. So I think that'll be my mission for this weekend - get some of this shit done. Get out of my personal molasses and give it my best shot. Not really feeling the motivation to do it but I think I'll try to push through that and do it anyway!

Currently listening:
"Duet" - Rachael Yamagata and Ray Lamontagne

(Rachael)
Oh Lover, hold on
'till I come back again
For these arms are growin' tired,
And my tales are wearing thin

If you're patient I will surprise,
When you wake up i'll have come

All the angerwill settle down
And we'll go do all the things we should have done

Yes I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll be here if you will only come back home

(Ray)
Oh lover, i'm lost
Because the road i've chosen beckens me away

Oh lover, don't you rome
Now i'm fighting words I never thought i'd say

But I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll forgive you oh
If you just come back home

Hmmm mmmm
Hmmmm mmmm

(Both)
Oh lover, I'm old
You'll be out there and be thinking just of me

And I will find you down the road
And will return back home to where we're meant to be

'cause I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
We'll be back soon as we make history.

Some interesting things from the crazy world of immunology (and summer classes)

2010-07-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

I just finished a four-week summer course in immunology, as part of my biology degree. Summer classes are INTENSE. Material that is usually spread out over an entire term is squished into four little weeks, and you have class four days a week, two and a half hours a day. And overall, you cover a huge, huge amount of material over a really short amount of time. There is lots of reading. It's intense.

To make it worse, Immunology is a 400-level biology class, meaning mostly seniors take it, who've had several years of bio already. I've had one. There are also two recommended prereq classes to take beforehand: cell biology and microbiology. Since all I've had is the first year (called "Principles" at my school), I haven't taken either. So, I knew I was getting into something a bit over my head. It was just, I really liked the immune system part of Principles, and I like a challenge and it sounded kind of badass to do something that difficult in a short amount of time, making it that much more difficult. And it just sounded soooo interesting. When I was first thinking about it, I asked my Principles prof if I would be crazy to try it. She said to me, "All our summer courses are intense but I think if someone could do it, it's you." And that felt really good. But I still thought it might be half-crazy to try. Anyway, the class was full. For awhile I checked, day after day, to see if there were any openings and when there weren't, I kinda gave up.

And then one night, less than a week before the start of summer session, I got drunk for the first time in months and was talking to a friend and realized that spaces were opening up in summer classes, and felt newly inspired and drunkenly decided to sign up for the class. It's just, I was signed up for what probably would have been a cupcake class, but the thought of taking immunology just got me excited and sometimes you gotta live your passions. So I drunkenly decided to sign up.

The last four weeks were a total whirlwind. And I learned some interesting things that I want to share on here, now that it's all over.

But let's start with the basics. I told someone yesterday what class I was taking and she paused for a minute and said, "Okay, what does that even mean?" So, basically what we learned about is how the immune system works and what happens when it doesn't. A lot of it would probably be boring to most people. There's a lot of really detailed learning about what different types of cells do, and there are SO many different kinds of cells in the immune system and sometimes what they do overlaps. We also learned about antibodies, and how our bodies make them to be specific for different foreign invaders, and about inflammation and later allergic reactions, and about how each different type of cell matures, and how it activates (which are long sequences of this protein in the cell does this to the next protein, which does this to the next protein, which splits the next protein and on and on until you get the turning on or off of genes). And then we learned about the little chemicals each type of cell puts out and had to learn what each of these things, oh and what's on the surface of all the different cell types and how that helps it act, and autoimmune disorders and the complement system (for anyone who is familiar with this type of thing, on my final today we had to draw the complete classical pathway of complement activated by IgG against a red blood cell, up through lysis of that rbc, which I had some fun with).

It would be hard to overstate the sheer amount of information we had to learn. There were so many charts and tables we pretty much had to memorize - antibody classes, cell surface molecules, complement molecules, cytokine molecules, all those steps of activation - where and how they're made, what they effect and how they do it. It was a whirlwind of information. There were probably close to 300 pages of lecture notes, not to mention the reading in the book, and all my own handwritten notes from lecture, with all the added things the prof talked about in addition to what was just on his formal notes. INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE. But I kinda loved it.

My favorite part, and I don't know why I am SO fascinated by this, maybe because it comes up a lot on things like Mystery Diagnosis, lol, is autoimmune disorders. I just find it so fascinating. There were only two questions about it on our final, two incredibly easy questions, which disappointed me because being so fascinated by it, I really knew that stuff fairly well. ANYWAY, here are some interesting things about autoimmune diseases:

Women are far, far more likely to get them than men, in most cases. In a lot, it's 2 or 3 to 1, but in some, it's as much as 10 or 20x more common in women! I mean, that is wild. Why the heck is that? Some are thinking it is related to estrogen or other female hormones. And that makes me wonder about all of the hormone-treated food we eat, and birth control pills and other types of contraception related to hormones, or hormone therapy during menopause. Women are also likely to get autoimmune conditions earlier than men. A really good example of that is myasthenia gravis, which will hit women in their 20s or 30s and men in their 50s or 60s or 70s.

Another thing our professor told us, more than once during the course of the class, was that autoimmune diseases are important because basically it will be very unlikely that anyone nowadays will make it to old age without getting one. A sobering thought, for sure. And a lot of things that I never even thought of as autoimmune conditions are, like diabetes type 1, chron's disease, inflammatory bowel syndrome, MS, celiac (which my doc thought I might have but thankfully, I do not). And then there were some I knew were, like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, and there were plenty I'd never heard of. I mean, ankylosing spondulitis (no idea if that's even spelled right) - that doesn't even sound like a real thing.

It does seem like these conditions are getting more common over time, and I think part of it is that testing is getting better, but still the thought that everyone's bound to end up with at least one is sobering.

Some have a high genetic correlation, like ankylosing (one of the highest, related to HLA-B27 gene), and some it's more iffy, like MS. And in MS, they're not even totally sure of what happens. Neurons get demyelinated (removal of the protective coating) but they're still not sure if it's by antibodies, or killer T cells, or some combination, or an upregulation of this thing called FAS which leads to cell death, or even how the invading antibodies and T cells cross the blood-brain barrier.

And some are related to infections. The two we learned about are an association between a certain (rare) strain of strep with later development of rheumatic fever, and kids who get coxsackie virus have a higher tendency to get diabetes type 1, and to a lesser extent, some autoimmune conditions, including MS, have been linked with infections of Epstein-Barr. And there are also types of drug-induced autoimmunities, including a form of lupus. It makes me wonder if there are any autoimmune conditions linked with vaccinations, b/c they cause the body to make antibodies and mount an immune response. It would be interesting to know more about that.

Maybe it's a bit twisted because some of these are really, really horrible conditions, but I am so fascinated!

We also learned about all types of allergies (known as hypersensitivities in the world of immunology) and boy did we speed through that part of the course, and how there are four different types and all the different pathologies that result. And we went a little bit into some immune deficiencies, such as hereditary angioedema, which apparently is fairly common.

An interesting thing about allergies is that the first type (the more immediate type) is thought to have evolved as a way to fight off parasitic infections because that particular system is very efficient at dealing with that, and it is possible that we have increases in allergies of this type because in the western world, we don't really encounter many parasites. Apparently there is a correlation between people who've had some low-grade helminthic parasite infection and a decrease in allergies.

We talked about the different blood types and how even if you've never been exposed to another type, your body still makes antibodies to it (scientists don't know why b/c usually you need to have exposure for antibody production to be activated in any significant way). And we talked about Rh (Rhesis) factor and how that affects moms and babies, which had some personal relevance because it affected my brother and sister both.

The parts we did not get into were more detailed looks at immune deficiencies, transplant rejections, tumor immunology and vaccination. Kinda thinking of reading some of it on my own b/c it all sounds interesting.

But a lot of it, yeah, would probably be dreadfully boring, chapters and chapters of cellular stuff, to anyone who's not really into it so I will try not to bore anyone any more than I already have. It's just hard to stop myself because I really love it. And the crazy thing is, in this class, as intense as it was, we really only scratched the surface. There would be so much more to learn and understand.

Sometimes I have these thoughts like, the immune system is so exquisitely put together, so detailed and nuanced and intricate, and so many different mechanisms have come about to deal with so many different things, it's amazing. And b/c it's so intricate, it's sometimes surprises me that more doesn't go wrong more often, that people live as long as they do.

Just today, my friend Wren posted this article on her facebook, about if birth control pills affect womens taste in men and it is all based on the MHC complex, which was a huge topic of the course.

MHC, or HLA in humans, is a set of genes that determine what molecules are expressed on (almost) all of our cells. It is how cells of the immune system recognize cells as self or non-self. It is why our bodies try to attack transplanted tissue. In the article it suggests that women can smell a man's MHC/HLA type (this was mentioned briefly in my textbook for Principles as well - crazy!) and seek out ones that are different than their own. It makes perfect sense in terms of evolution because if you mate with someone whose HLA is different than your own, your kid would theoretically have a better chance of survival and avoiding the genetic susceptibilities to diseases and autoimmune conditions. It's kind of like how pure-bred dogs are often at higher risk for diseases than mixes.

It was even suggested in our Principles book that people can smell whether people themselves are homozygous (got the same copy of the gene from both parents, aka themselves have less genetic diversity) or heterozygous (got different copies of the genes from each parents so have more genetic diversity themselves) and tend towards the latter.

Anyway, it's an interesting article!

All in all, I think I did pretty well in the class. We had two exams, and I did exceedingly well on the first one, a complete perfect score, but the final was a lot harder, covered a lot more, and more complex material and it was comprehensive, so, it was tough. I need to somehow stop myself from ever changing my answers, lol. I still felt okay, but man that exam was brutal! One of the hardest I have ever taken.

Regardless, it's over and I enjoyed it and learned a lot. I was mentally engaged and interested. But it is a relief to be done. And just when I think I'll have some big reprieve from all that work, on Monday I start genetics, which I honestly think, in comparison, will be a lot easier. There aren't any prerequisites beyond what I've already taken and it won't be so over my head, I hope, and I'll have people I know in my class. So, looking forward to that. And then, after those four weeks, I will have a real summer vacation.

Currently listening:
"Catalyst" - Anna Nalick - been on a Grey's music kick - especially Season Five, which I loved, but I'm actually not entirely sure where this song is from, oh well.

Catalyst

L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go?
'Cause something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home

So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see

So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst

You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the scar
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, on God
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the
Catalyst

These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go

Geese and Poetry

2010-07-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been awhile (though let me just say I have written and not posted several blogs, not that that's necessarily a good thing, just kinda wanting to say I haven't completely ignored the blog, just felt somewhat reticent about posting) and I guess I don't have much to share, but lately I keep thinking about posting poems I like, so that's what I'm gonna do.

It's funny to say this, as a writer and a person who LOVES lyrics, but I am not so big on poetry. Out of any form of writing, I know without question that it's my weakest area. And it takes a lot for me to really like a poem. In several instances, I like poems that friends have written more than those by established poets, but from going to several poetry gatherings on Orcas I have collected and cultivated some that I really love. I've been going through all my folders lately, so it's been nice to come acrosss some of these treasures. I want to read over the ones I've collected, and collect more. And I just feel like sharing.

So the one I have really been thinking about lately is "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver. I am not always a huge fan of hers, but it seems this one comes in and out of my life. I've read it at various writers circles and workshops, it's quoted in my friend Janet Thomas' book Day Breaks Over Dharamsala and it was on my mind a lot when I went and did the Snow Goose weekend over spring break in Montana. I was sort of leading the poetry and writing section of that weekend and one of the things I wanted to do was bring in poems about birds or geese (and just as an aside, one of the many conclusions I've come to after my first year of biology with the aid of that weekend in Montana, is that birds are AMAZING creatures). I didn't really think this poem was great to read to eight-year-olds, but it's been on my mind off and on, ever since.

"Wild Geese"
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

I love that line, "You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." And when she says, "the world offers itself to your imagination," I immediately think of the natural world, and I relate to that. And who can resist a poem that starts with, "You do not have to be good"? That opening line will make anyone feel a sense of relief!

I also found this one, "Snow Geese" which I wish I had found before the Snow Goose weekend because it's a bit more accessible I think, to kids. Mary Oliver writes a lot about nature, and animals, and sometimes it's just a little too sweet and soft for me. I think that a lot about a lot of poets, like they're just saying, I saw this beautiful scene, but don't give it a story, if that makes sense. I like poems that awaken me to something, that make me feel, or think, or give me chills, or won't get out of my head, or make me hold my breath the way she describes in this following poem. So with that said, I must say I like "Wild Geese" above better than what I'm about to post, but since we're on the topic of geese, and since I like it okay, especially the beginning, here it is:

"Snow Geese"
by Mary Oliver

Oh, to love what is lovely, and will not last!
What a task
to ask
of anything, or anyone,
yet it is ours,
and not by the century or the year, but by the hours.
One fall day I heard
above me, and above the sting of the wind, a sound
I did not know, and my look shot upward; it was
a flock of snow geese, winging it
faster than the ones we usually see,
and, being the color of snow, catching the sun
so they were, in part at least, golden. I
held my breath
as we do
sometimes
to stop time
when something wonderful
has touched us
as with a match,
which is lit, and bright,
but does not hurt
in the common way,
but delightfully,
as if delight
were the most serious thing
you ever felt.
The geese
flew on,
I have never seen them again.
Maybe I will, someday, somewhere.
Maybe I won't.
It doesn't matter.
What matters
is that, when I saw them,
I saw them
as through the veil, secretly, joyfully, clearly.

Experiencing migrating snow geese really is a rare, transient and pretty astonishing thing to witness.

What the fuck is wrong with people?!

2010-05-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

(Or, more simply, venting)

So, okay, awhile ago I signed up for this online dating site (OKCupid) kinda reluctantly at the suggestion of a friend. She had met some cool people on there so I kinda skeptically signed up and whatnot. After the first little bit where I got some really weirdo creepy interactions from some creepy dudes I pretty much stopped going, completely ignored the site and pretty much forgot about it. And then, sometime last week I got an email that some guy had msg'd me on there so I went and looked and he had a pretty cool profile. We seemed to be interested in a lot of the same things, he reads tarot, he likes Tori Amos which is a plus in my book, really seemed to be into good conversation, it was clear we were on the same page on a lot of topics, etc. So I was still feeling hesitant but I thought what the hell and wrote the guy back.

So he pretty much immediately gave me his number and asked to talk on the phone. I thought it was a bit odd only b/c we had barely communicated AT ALL. I'm new to dating sites but not to online interactions obviously (lots of time on a forum) and no one in all my experience has ever wanted to talk on the phone so immediately, not even the weird creepy dudes from OKC! And I wasn't really comfortable with it. I definitely, definitely can get a sense of people through writing, so I told the guy I'd like to chat on the site a time or two first. I wanted to get a basic sense of the guy. I do not think that's unreasonable.

Apparently he did. He wrote back that I needed to conquer my fear, he said something like, "identify the cause and fix it." That is total paraphrasing but you get the gist and then he said he'd call me today. It pissed me off. It made me feel like he wasn't listening at all, but I have also found that sometimes when I'm doing things like setting boundaries with people, I'm not as clear as I think I'm being, so I restated how I felt, and did it stronger, without being a jackass or aggressive, but firmly stating it. So anyway I had also told the guy I wasn't going to be around all weekend/yesterday because I had a huge exam last night I had to study for.

So I woke up this morning to this msg from him. He went off on this whole thing saying I don't know how to manage risk in interpersonal relationships and all this stuff about how he needs to see people in person ASAP and implying there's something wrong with me for not wanting that. I thought it was pretty rude. And he still said he is calling.

So my reaction is WTF?!?! I gave him a piece of my mind in return. I mean, really wtf??? I am so fucking pissed. Way to totally not respect my needs or boundaries, you know? The guy is acting like it would have killed him to not talk on the phone ASAP, to chat with me once or twice, and the fact that he twice said he's going to call me anyway when I've clearly said that I don't want him to?! WTF is wrong with people? I told him if he's this unwilling to do a simple thing or respect my boundaries, I have no time for that shit. I didn't say it quite like that, I wasn't rude or anything, but you know what, I was in a terrible situation a few years ago living w/someone and constantly catering to his needs and ignoring my own and maybe that situation did actually make me stronger, b/c I'll tell you, I'm not putting up with this shit.

I don't know if I'm overreacting. I am really fucking pissed. I am also super irritable lately for health-related reasons and so that's not helping matters, but I really, really don't think I was being unreasonable in this situation. I guess a part of me is worried that maybe I am, that maybe he's right about my inability to manage risk in interpersonal relationships or something. That part of me that always feels guilty for asking for ANYTHING for myself is activated, and the part of me that is lonely thinks that I shouldn't turn guys down b/c it's not exactly I get asked out and so maybe I should just go along with it.

But I also don't want people in my life who are going to be judgy like that and who can't take the time or energy to do a simple thing to respect my needs. I do a LOT for other people, you know? And I think it says a lot that he won't do a simple thing for me. It's hard to not feel like I am asking too much b/c I always feel like I am when I ask for anything, but fuck. I'm proud of myself for holding my ground, for not just going along w/what he wanted, and for expressing it in a way that was strong but not assy and at the same time it is a little uncomfortable b/c I'm not so used to this.

The thing is though, a few months ago, I had another dating encounter, in real life, that did not go so well either. I don't want to say much b/c there is one person on my facebook that may know the guy, but it didn't go well, in my opinion. Again the guy was really pushy and totally didn't listen to me. He'd probably be fine as a casual friend but I ended up really not having any interest in dating him or spending too much time w/him. He told me once that I have really clear boundaries, which was, for sure, the first time anyone EVER said that about me, lol. I am usually more on the doormat side of things, but trying hard to change that.

But god it makes me feel like such a BITCH. And it's not a comfortable feeling. It makes me feel a little crappy about myself, like I "do not play well with others," as the saying goes. I'm sooo used to being accommodating and doing what everyone else wants that it's really kind of difficult to be doing something different. It feels awkward and unfamiliar and does make me feel like a raving bitch. I think I feel like a raving bitch even when I'm just barely, barely, being assertive but still I feel it. Ugh, I guess it's just something to get used to. I am almost thirty, I can't be letting people walk all over me. I just can't. And if that makes me a bitch and means I don't play well with others and makes me "uncoupleable" to steal a word that a friend used recently, so be it, right? Still, it is just not so comfortable being in such unfamiliar territory.

Currently listening:
"Nothing to Say" - Soundgarden

Nothing, nothing, nothing but the one thing

Someone said my words are out of balance
Nothing to say, you've got nothing to say
Dying words, I bury everyday
Nothing to say, I've got nothing to say
Nothing but the one thing

You've got nothing, nothing to say

Nothing but the one thing

Big bad word, spell it with four letters
Nothing to say, you've got nothing to say
Oh my god, your words are out of balance
Nothing to say, you've got nothing to say
Nothing but the one thing
Nothing, nothing

You've got nothing, nothing to say

Nothing but the one thing

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

Okay, it's been forever or whatever...

2010-05-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

...and I actually had a friend (who I don't get to talk to enough) email me asking if I was okay b/c my lack of blogging worried her. Really I have no good reason other than just being busy and pathologically inconsistent in some areas of life.

So, it's been over two months! Lots to update.

Travel:
Shortly after the last blog post, I went to this very impromptu weekend seminar in Salem. The seminar itself wasn't impromptu but my going was. I didn't even find out until the night before and just decided to go with it. It was for the NFB (National Federation of the Blind) of Oregon and I met some great people, learned some stuff and caused some trouble (talked three other blind people into finding a bar in a town that none of us were familiar with and ended up at this bar called The Pink Elephant with black&white checked floor and some drunk girl that gives really interesting dating advice in the bar bathroom - good times). I don't know what it is but sometimes I just have this irrepressible urge to cause trouble, stir up some mischief and this was a good outlet for that. And I will just leave it all at that...lol.

During Spring Break I went to Montana to take part in the Camp Eureka Snow Goose weekend. This was a weekend camp for blind kids to observe the migration of Snow Geese by sound. The geese stop very temporarily at an area called Freeze-Out Lake on their long migration north. They stop to rest and feed on nearby barley fields. When they take off from the lake to go to the fields, the sound they make is hard to describe. Underneath the snow goose chirpings, the beating of their wings as they prepare to fly almost sounds like a motor in the distance, and it ripples through the sky as if the geese are doing "the wave." It was a great experience to be part of, pretty magical, and so great to work with the kids. They were all girls, with varying degrees of interest in the topic. The youngest girl was a virtual expert on birds, especially geese. She could recognize so many bird calls! She pointed out the call of a trumpeter swan while we were trekking out to listen to the geese. Two of the campers had never spent the night away from their parents before. It was cool to be involved with working with them on independence skills as well. Also met some really great people that weekend.

And saving the best for last, I had an even more impromptu trip to Seattle a few weekends ago, to see SOUNDGARDEN at their first live show in over thirteen years (and my first SG show ever). I am still kinda shocked that that happened! I found out about it via a friend's facebook but wasn't sure the show was even real. This was the night before the show. I went to bed thinking, wow, I wish I could go to that and sure that there was no way. Then the next morning after I got home from class I was trying to find stuff online and it looked like the show would for sure go on that night. Then I got an email with a ticketmaster password and by some magic, actually got tickets. I texted my friend Kelly and asked if she wanted to go see Soundgarden that night. She was at work but her response was, "Hmmm let me think about it...YES" and she picked me up about an hour later. The show was AWESOME! I can't wait until they tour, and I may in fact be going to Lollapalooza in August again this year. I can't miss the Soundgarden/Chris Cornell party.

It was a total rockstar day because we drove there and back all in one day, and I had commitments throughout the rest of the weekend. Nothing like a rockstar trip like that to make you feel younger and more full of energy than you really are!

Moving:
When my lease ended at the apartment I moved into before school started, I looked for another place. The location was amazing - right downtown, two blocks from campus, but it was a tiny space that I felt like I was paying too much for, and there were a lot of maintenance problems. And living downtown was starting to get to me. There was just no relief from the noise, especailly at night when the #@#%$ street sweeper would be going at alllll freakin' hours of the night. Plus the rent was going to go up. So I found a new place. I now take the city bus to school (sometimes a few times a day) and live in this really nature-y area, just a few blocks from a nature trail. I have little back and front balconies (shared w/neighbors) and windows in every room, and I'm in a one-bedroom now. I am kind of in love w/my new apartment. There's a cute little dining area, hardwood floors in the living room and bedroom, lots of views of trees and it has a really good feel. The downside is it doesn't havemuch storage space (my old place did) so I find myself in desperate need of some furniture to deal with this. Overall though, I love it. I have a real kitchen now, instead of a closet (literally) at my old place. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot around my apartment except a hospital so I say I have traded nightlife for nature, and I am so glad I did.

School:
Lovin' it. Loving this term of biology. We're doing an overview of all the animal body systems, kind of like an Anatomy & Physiology crash course. It has definitely been the hardest material we've covered all year, but it is nice to be challenged. What can I say, I freakin' love it. I can't wait to take more bio classes and actually will be taking A&P next year. Since I will be full-time I can bring in the writing too and have signed up for a writing class in the fall. It's cool b/c the prof for it is the same prof whose class I sat in on when I visited PSU last year before my India trip, and I had all kinds of synchronicity with her and the class, all these little things that related to other things and I remember someone on here told me to pay attention to those things when making my college choice, so...coming full circle in a way.

I did sing "hold On' for my voice class, and it went okay but would've gone better if I hadn't been so nervous. What's cool is I am now taking voice lessons from the teacher, privately, now that the class is over, and her fee rate is so beyond reasonable! And we are now working on "China" by Tori Amos, which just totally floats my boat. I feel I am getting so much more out of this because it's one-on-one and all. I know I am getting better at pitch and clarity. It's still kinda nerve-wracking but oh well. If it doesnt' scare you at least a little, is it really worth doing??

This term for my "extra" class I am taking piano and loving that as well. I just love having my scientific, intellectual side and my musical, creative side fulfilled at the same time. The class got split into two groups - one that is going faster and one that is going slower - and I'm in the faster group which feels really good. I know I am keeping up and learning a lot, and my music-reading abilities are improving too. We have a recital in class on Friday, where we have to play in fornt of everyone. I am kinda psyched for it because I am doing this song called "Ocean Mist" which is in E minor (which the instructor described as the darkest) and I LOVE it. I am so much more drawn towards the minor chords and sounds. To me the song sounds like a dark northern ocean mist, not a California one at all. Love it.

There is a lot more I could talk about I'm sure, as it has been over two months, but I have to finish reading about the immune system (a chapter that has just raised sooo many questions in my mind) and go to bed. I've got that recital on Friday and a major exam on Monday to prepare for but I also had to stop in here and finally give some updates now that I am a bit more settled into my new apartment and finally have internet turned on there.

Currently listening:
"Mad World" - Alex Parks

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And the tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
Because I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Get to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher, what's my lesson?
She looked right through me, looked right through me

A nd I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
Because I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world

Is this some new form of torture?

2010-02-26T14:00:00.000-08:00

So, music class. I picked my song awhile ago, finally, practiced it, plunked out the notes on my piano so I could match them, even though I don't really know how to correctly play a song like this (it switches keys and both that the song is in have LOTS of flats and sharps and I'm not there yet in my very basic piano learning), and practiced some more.

Every day I go to class, sure I will sing my song that day, nervous as all fuck about it but prepared, and I STILL haven't gone yet! DAMNIT. I never, ever say this, I an not one for ripping off the bandaid, I'd much rather put it off indefinitely, but I am ready to just get it over with already! I can't take this stress of every Monday, Wednesday and Friday trying to rally the courage to sing in front of my class, only to not have it happen. Of course, part of me is always relieved in the moment but STILL. Enough already!

Monday had better be a for sure! I was so sure I would go today - I had even talked with my instructor and she said I would go first today, so, with performance in mind, I dressed up a little bit, put on a hot outfit (in fact had to put a little sweater over it b/c I decided the actual outfit was probably a little too showy to wear to school, lol, but the sweater only slightly took the edge off of that), put on some jewelry, made sure I felt all colorful and hot in anticipation of performing my song. GRRRRR. I was READY. Guess I will just practice some more until Monday, but shit!

It has been preoccupying me all week. On Wednesday I was sure I would go during that class, and I had a big exam in biology directly before that, and there were times while going through the exam, that I caught myself drifting off and mentally reviewing my song almost in the background of working through the questions.

Speaking of bio and exams, I'm rockin' it! On every test this term, I've only gotten one question wrong, and speaking of torture, lol, for the last two exams, I originally filled out the scantron exactly correct for a perfect score and then second guessed myself and changed an answer and got it wrong. Both times, a perfect score was soooo in my reach. Next time, I'm not freakin' changing any answers!

We have one more exam left and we get to drop our lowest one, so technically, if I wanted I could completely blow off the class from this point forward, not go to class again, not take the final at all. It's a tempting thought, but I'm not going to do it. For one thing, I'd be bored. I like having this challenging class to keep me mentally stimulated. I can't wait to have more classes than just two, and like I said before, I'm getting into the plant stuff. It is crazy to think how complex they are, and I'm very interested in something we are getting to soon, which is plant sensory systems. It's kind of wild to think they have sensory systems and how they might interact with their environments.

Also, I'm an overachiever, I think by nature, so I want to continue to rock it and I am determined to eventually get a perfect score on one of these exams this year! I'm always sooo close! School is my happy self-esteem place. My life is in some ways really screwed up. I struggle with a lot of things, with friendships and interpersonal relationships and sticking up for myself. My romantic life has been catastrophically unsuccessful. My writing life can be painful and it's a pursuit that is so infused with rejection letters and feeling not good enough. I still haven't found a job in Portland. But school, I can do and do well and it makes me feel good about myself when all those other things really don't. And yes this may sound crazy or masochistic, but sometimes I really love taking exams. I get in the zone (even while zoning out reviewing my song) and puzzling through questions and just being mentally engaged like that just gives me a feeling of satisfaction very similar to how I feel when I'm playing music or singing or writing. I was so deprived of intellectual stimulation for so long on Orcas (not that there was none, but just not much) that I am not going to give it up now that I have found it.

All that and I've asked my prof for a letter of recommendation, and I think it would not leave a good impression if I just blew off the last section of class just because I could. So I will continue to learn the crap out of plants, and then next term it's animal form and function (I think we go through the systems of the body or something) and ecology.

Before that starts, over spring break, I landed a pretty sweet job that I am really psyched about. I will be working with kids in Montana for a weekend, monitoring the migration of snow geese by sound. It will be really exciting to learn about that and work with kids and feel like I am doing something science-y and hands on (ears on?) and I look forward to that. The crazy thing is, I wasn't sure this job existed. I saw a brochure about this weekend camp and it looked so awesome but there was nothing about them looking for staff people. So I let it sit, but kept coming back to thinking how cool it would be to be part of that. So eventually I wrote to the contact person and asked if there were jobs and she said yes and sent me an application. I had read in the brochure that there is a writing component to the camp. The kids will be journaling and writing poetry about their experience. So I mentioned my writing experience in the application, along with all my camp experience, environmental ed experience, etc. So not only was I offered the job, but they want me to lead the writing portion of the camp and lead the kids in putting together a radio program from the writing and the recordings of the geese. It is a bit more than I bargained for but I am sure I'm up to the challenge!

But back to the topic at hand, DAMNIT I am ready to sing my freakin' song already and stop stressing about it! I have had a crazy thought lately though. I read recently that there is going to be a broadway adaptation of "Romeo and Juliet" with Jeff Buckley songs as the soundtrack, called "The Last Goodbye." It's coming out this year, and apparently has already debuted at some place called Joe's Pub. I am actually not a huge fan of the whole R&J story/whatever, but I think this idea is pretty COOL as long as it's done well, and hopefully it will be. ANYWAY it has made me wonder, what if I switched my song that I'm supposed to be dong for class and sang a JB song instead, since technically those songs in the Last Goodbye musical would technically be considered musical theater, right?

Here's an article about the upcoming musical: "The Last Goodbye" I have found several other articles and reviews (including some from JB fans) and they are raving about it. Now this is a show I would LOVE to see.

I might call up my prof and ask her. It would be a LOT harder to sing a JB song than my "Hold On" from The Secret Garden, there's no doubt of that. And JB is pretty passionately lovey lyrically and I had sworn not to sing anything gooey (sorry but the thought of singing some love crap in front of my class is mortifying). I mean the thought of singing lyrics like, "Kiss me, please kiss me, out of desire baby not consolation" or anything from "Lover, You Should've Come Over," makes me want to throw up. I LOVE the songs, I just can't imagine singing something like that in front of people. But, but, but, all of that also kind of makes me want to do it because I am a glutton for making myself do things that scare the bejeezus out of me. I have so much deep, heartfelt love for those songs that I kind of want to do it, as challenging and gooey as it may be. It's just so much more ME than anything else I have found.

Hmmmm. Maybe this prolonging of my song for days on end has a purpose after all? I didn't know about this Last Goodbye musical until a day or two ago, and didn't really start thinking of that as an opportunity to use a Jeff song for my class performance until today. Could there be some unseen synchronicity in the torture?

I think I'm going to find out, see what my instructor thinks about me doing that. Why not? You only live once. Might as well do something that reflects something you really love and something that scares the fuck out of you, something that you feel passionate about. I think it will be so much more rewarding, even if I sound terrible and totally bomb it. I think I will regret not doing it, and as my friend Desmond from my India trip always said, "Do the thing that you would regret not doing." So, I'm going to go find out. I feel like proactivity is sort of my thing lately. Like the spring break job - sometimes if you want something, you just have to go after it and pursue it even if it doesn't work out. Just sent an email to my teacher, asking her about making this switch. We'll see what she says, and then we'll see how well (or not) I do actually singing a song. I have always, always wanted to perform the song "Everybody Here Wants You," and if I can find out the song list of the musical and that's on there, I'm doing it. I've wanted to do that for like, ten years. It really might be a horrible performance but I almost don't care!

The main thing is living the dream, baby.

(Edited to Add: OMG HOLY SHIT I found the song list as well as lots of pics from the debut here (at a site called Music Slut, gotta love that). HOLY SHIT! I didn't even think of half the songs on here, like We Could Be So Happy Baby, FORGET HER (no freaking WAY, I didn't even think they'd include rares, I LOVE the shit out of that song), Opened Once, Morning Theft. OMG if my music teacher lets me do a song from this show, I will be dizzy with joy but how will I ever choose, and practice, by Monday??? SHE HAS TO LET ME DO A SONG FROM THIS MUSICAL!

I am flippin' out.

And just to tie everything together, musical theater and biology, there is another article at that Music Slut site about an upcoming opera about Darwin called Tomorrow, in a Year.

Currently Listening:
OMG this is TOO funny, the song that came up is "Lover, You Should've Come Over." How wild is that! My iTunes and I have a psychic connection, I swear.

(OMG the thought of singing words like this is mortifying, lol. Plus I will have to change the pronouns.)

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

When I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Just a Quickie

2010-02-16T08:02:00.000-08:00

Just felt like posting a little blog this morning. I'm feeling chatty. And writing something with "quickie" in the title :)

I think I have definitely come to a song decision for my music class and that is "Hold On" from The Secret Garden, which as I mentioned before, is a story that I just love to pieces. It's a song meant for the alto voice, and I'm headed to the library later today to get the sheet music so I can play it on my (digital) piano which always really helps me practice and really hear the notes.

Even though I'm still kind of terrified of singing it in front of my class (I would honestly rather sing in front of lots of people on a stage, because then you're more removed, as opposed to a class where you're seeing the people every day), I'm finally getting into it. And definitely getting an exposure to musical theater I never had before, both through looking for my song, and by other people performing their songs. So far in our class, we've had people singing, "This is the Moment" from Jekyll & Hyde, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from Wizard of Oz, "All that Jazz," (don't know what show that's from), "Edelweiss" from the Sound of Music, "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Phantom of the Opera and "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" from The Lion King. And through all of that exposure, I'm getting an appreciation.

I think I'm keeping some of the many songs I downloaded and listened to on my computer (Right at this very moment, another song I considered is playing, from Avenue Q, "There's a Fine, Fine Line.") And while I went looking for a movie version of The Secret Garden musical because it's pretty different (I could tell from the soundtrack) from the book, or the original movie based on the book, I found lots of other shows I might consider seeing. I found myself wanting to watch South Pacific again and check out other shows. There apparently is no movie to The Secret Garden musical though. I wanted to find it because our instructor asks people during our song workshops what the context of the song is, which I can mostly get from the soundtrack, and supplemented by finding a description of the musical online.

At least school-wise, I love how my life is kind of split between this challenging science class and music. I feel like I have this left brain/right brain balance that I sometimes have a hard time finding. Especially in school, it has often felt like I'm overdoing one and underdoing the other, but this right now, is working for me. I will have to keep that in mind next year when I will be a full-time student. I am so impatient for that time. I just signed up for spring classes and already I want to see the schedule for next fall, wondering when it will go online (probably sometime in May) and when I can register for a full load of classes. Who knows if I will still be feeling that eager at this point next year, but this year there have been times it has pained me to not sign up for classes that I really wanted to take. There was a Genes and Society class this term that I wanted to be in so badly I almost couldn't help myself. But I had to keep the big picture in mind, and the big picture is I'm trying to get Oregon residency so I can't take over 8 credits and if I had done it, it would have completely jeopardized that. But anyway, in a few months when I do sign up for my full load of classes for next year, I want to keep this balance in mind, and maybe continue to take these 2-credit music classes. I am psyched for piano in the spring term, and have been playing mine more and more recently.

Sometimes though I feel like this weird anomaly of a person who doesn't truly fit in anywhere, and it's frustrating. Sometimes I feel like it's kind of difficult for other people, if they know me one way, to see me in another. I'm a writer, and a lot of people know me in that way. I've met a lot of people in a writing context but then I'm also really into science, and I've met some people in that context, and then I also read tarot cards and do astrology charts and think about metaphysics and the paranormal and the spiritual, and then I'm a sort of atheist. Sometimes I just feel like one huge bundle of contradictions and it can be hard to deal with sometimes but I don't think I'd have it any other way.

With that being said, I am off for a very busy day running errands around town, picking up a field guide and the sheet music, and later today, collecting some plants for my plant press (aka playing in the dirt). And thankfully it's shaping up to be a sunny morning in the Pacific Northwest!

Currently Listening:
"Anna Begins" - Counting Crows - this is probably THE song that got me hooked on them, back in the very late 90s. I have such love for this song. I love when songs tell a story, and this one definitely does. There's a lot of shifting and changing. This just so easily transports me back in time to a time that is so long ago it hardly feels like it was my own life. I cannot overstate how much I love this song. I love all of August & Everything After, but for me, this song makes the album.

My friend assures me, it's all or nothing
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, for one time only
Make an exception, I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried
I am not overly concerned
With the status of my emotions
Oh, she says, you've changed
We're always changing

It does not bother me to say
This isn't love
Cuz if you don't want talk about it then
It isn't love
And I guess I'm gonna have to live without
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey
Or something in between
And I can always change my name if that's what you mean

My friend assures me, it's all or nothing
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself
The things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget
To make yourself forget
I am not worried

If it's love, she says,
Then we're gonna have to think about the consequences
But she can't stop shaking
And I can't stop touching her

And this time
When kindness falls like rain
It washes her away
And Anna begins to change her mind
The seconds when I'm shaking
Leave me shuddering for days, she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

But I'm not gonna break
And I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
I'm not gonna bend
And I'm not gonna break
I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
No, no, no, it seems like I should say
As long as this is love
But it's not all that easy
So maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
Cuz I've done this sort of thing before

But then I start to think about the consequences
And I don't get no sleep, in a quiet room

And this time
When kindness falls like rain
It washes me away
And Anna begins to change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe it's love
And oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

(Rain falls down)
She's talking in her sleep
(Rain falls down)
It's keeping me awake
(Rain falls down)
And Anna begins to toss and turn
(Rain falls down)
And every word is nonsense but I understand
(Rain falls down)
And oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along
And Anna begins to fade away
She's chasing me away
She disappears
And oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Getting Into Plants

2010-02-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in my last post, in my biology class we are moving away from studying evolution and animal diversification and moving into the world of plants. I was not sure what I would think of it because I'm much more drawn to the animal and human world - blood and guts and how they all work. Or on the other hand, I'm also fascinated by the microscopic world of bacteria and viruses because they are so endlessly fascinating. I just didn't know how I'd really feel about plants.

But I'm getting into it. I am such a treehugger at heart, and not just in a "we have to be good to the environment" sort of way (though I do, strongly, feel that way), but in more in the way that I just love trees. They make me happy in some inexplicable way that seems to be subconscious, below any surface of thought. When I am surrounded by trees, it's like something deeply ancient is just satisfied. Even looking at pictures of trees makes me happy. I love trees.

The trees I know best are the ones that live in places I have lived, and especially the ones on Orcas Island, partly because one of the classes I used to teach, way back when I did environmental education, was forest ecology and it involved tree identification. I know my alders and cedars especially well. In fact I was looking at a picture of tree needles in the textbook and then the notes and thinking how much it looked like the needles of the western redcedar. All it had as a label was the scientific name which was unfamiliar, but after too long the curiosity got the most of me. I just kept thinking, that picture has to be cedar, so I looked up the scientific name of western redcedar and sure enough it was Thuja plicata, the same name attached to that picture.

One thing I have noticed (and appreciated) about Portland that is different from Orcas is how there are so many more deciduous trees here. I think about it all the time when I'm walking to class or out on the Park Blocks, because though I love the evergreens of Orcas, I always missed everything that comes with deciduous trees - colored leaves in fall covering the ground, the bare branches in winter that make it feel like winter even when there's no snow. I grew up with that so I think it reminds me of winter in an early imprint sort of way, and so though it may sound a little off, I really like seeing the bare branches this time of year.

I've been reading that pines (and other conifers) tend to do better in colder temperatures, and it just drives home the temperature difference between my new and old places of residence. I don't think it's that different this time of year between the two, but summers are hugely different, with Orcas being considerably colder. There really is a big difference in the trees, but some similarities too. It will be interesting to see what I end up collecting for my plant press project. I am thinking of getting a local field guide. Time to start getting more familiar and versed in the new makeup of trees and plants.

I find myself having a million questions about plants and trees. Like, okay, if conifers are the trees that thrive in cold temperatures and high elevations and deciduous trees traditionally don't, why is that some cottonwoods and poplars cover high-elevation areas? That was definitely the case in Flagstaff, Arizona, though there are also huge Ponderosa Pine forests as well.

And why is it that so many plants that we use medicinally are poisonous plants (belladonna, foxglove, curare)? I guess it probably all has to do with amount and concentrations, but still it seems a little weird. And interesting.

Or, speaking of cedars, why does my book say that red and yellow cedars aren't "true cedars" and what is a true cedar?

The reproductive and life cycle habits of plants are a bit hard to get my mind around but I'm working on it.

They changed the name of the female parts of flowers from pistils to carpels, which I am not a fan of at all, but it's funny how going over these things quickly brought up something I had totally forgotten about from my childhood. I don't remember exactly what grade I was in, though if I had to guess I would guess fourth, and I had to do a presentation on the parts of the flower and I had made an overhead projection thingy of it, I can remember drawing the flower in blue and labeling it, but when it came time to stand up and talk in front of the class, I completely froze! It was like all my words dried up and I was so worried I didn't really know it that well (I had done the project a bit last minute) that I couldn't talk. And then it was so mortifying to freeze like that in front of the class that I just never got any words out. I felt so terrible. I've had an interesting relationship with public speaking over the years, that's for sure.

I am feeling a bit afraid the same thing could happen in music class now, which is probably also what made me think of this old incident. I am getting closer to finding a song, thinking I'll either go with "Defying Gravity" (thanks Silver Lining) or the song I had come up with from The Secret Garden, "Hold On." We are doing workshops in the class, meaning that we sing all or part of our song and the instructor gives us tips and feedback to help us gear up for the actual performance. My workshop is Friday, the last possible day. I will need to decide for sure soon. I think I'll go to the library tomorrow and try to find some sheet music.

I picked out my classes for next quarter - biology again, back to the night section which I miss, and this time for my other class I am taking piano. I am really looking forward to that! I have a digital piano and have been playing around on it lately and it will be great to have a class with some formal instruction because right now I just go off of a book, and intermittently play phrases from a "Tori Amos for Beginners" piano book, but really I don't know if I'm doing things right or not. And playing piano is so much less nerve-wracking than singing in front of people! So I look forward to that too, though I am thinking about looking into private voice lessons if I could find something affordable, because I really do want to improve my technique and all of that.

In other news, I applied for something that I think is going to be soooo cool. It's called Camp Eureka, and it's a weekend science camp for blind youth in Montana that will have the kids do some monitoring of snow geese migration. What is especially awesome (I mean really it's awesome enough already) is that poetry and journalling are incorporated into the experience. That is just so up my alley it's not even funny. And it's scheduled for one weekend with another as a backup in case of weather problems, and they just happen to be the two weekends of my spring break!

I'm looking into another similar program this summer called Junior Science Academy, and a few other things!

Life is good. I am eating candy hearts (can't remember the last time I had those for Valentine's Day) from my apartment management, remembering how last year at this time I was in Delhi eating banana pancakes, and yeah, life is good.

Oh! I also wanted to mention, I recently finished the book Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese. It was recommended by an instructor last quarter, and it is such a good read. I highly pass on the recommendation (though I will say it is not ideal for the reader who gets squeamish about medical details and procedures). It's about a set of twin boys born in Ethiopia whose mother (a nun) dies in childbirth and whose father (an English surgeon) flees. It's told by one of the twins and it's a rich journey through his life and the lives of those around him. I don't want to give anything away, so suffice to say it's very engrossing and takes on all kinds of landscapes and just sooooo good.

Currently Listening:
"Schism" - TOOL - I have been listening to more TOOL lately. This song is so good, and sometimes I feel like this song has weaved it's way in and out of my life in so many different ways over the last ten years or so, influenced my own writing, marked turning points in my life, that sort of thing. Lateralus is such an excellent album. I'm also realizing I'm way overdue to listen to 10,000 Days, which is also really excellent. I love Maynard's vocals and lyrics.

Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes, testing our communication

The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end, crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers
Between supposed lovers

I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit

Cool Stuff from the First Half of Winter Term

2010-02-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a while - almost two weeks, and so I have some catching up to do. I want to just hit the highlights.

Okay, the coolest thing in the last two weeks is probably the fact that I dissected a squid in my bio lab. I didn't know that much about squid, but have always been intrigued by them and the octopus. I'm not sure exactly what it is - the way they move, their colors, the ink, their arms, the fact that they are supposed to have such huge capacity for learning and memory, their huge brains or what. Maybe it goes back to that story I heard about a captured octopus at Camp Orkila, that made its way into my poem, "I Am Not Your Touch Tank Sea Star and how impressed I was by its struggle for escape and freedom, or maybe it was the (sometimes crazy) guests on Coast to Coast AM (a radio show that explores the paranormal) who claimed that giant squid are psychic. Or maybe it was the time in India when a few of us were talking about spirit animals, and Willa Rose was saying what she thought everyone's animal would be and said octopus for me and I had been about to say the same thing, though I wasn't quite sure why. Or maybe it was a combination of all of the above. Whatever it is, I feel drawn towards the cephalopods.

Little did I know cuttlefish, another type of cephalopod, is just amazingly cool. Check out Kings of Camoulflage on PBS for this episode of NOVA about what they call "the brainiest, most bizarre animals in the ocean." You can watch the full hour episode of NOVA from Hulu, here. They had me at three hearts and blue blood. SO WEIRDLY COOL. Check it out. They also have some quirky mating tricks and there is a part in the program where they do paternity tests on cuttlefish!

So, back to the squid - dissecting it was cool, although there is no color once its preserved. Inside it, I saw the stomach, the branchial hearts, the mouth and radula, the esophagus (which was kinda stringy to the touch). Then we had to dissect the eye. Now, I do not get squeamish about most things, but stuff done to eyes freaks me out. I can watch all kinds of fake surgery or disgusting medical conditions on TV, but I just can't watch stuff being done to eyes. So I was a little freaked out but also excited to examine the squid eye, and surprisingly wasn't really grossed out at all as I was worried I might be. My lab assistant totally rocks and she actually cut the eye out, and it was goopy, but just soooo cool to look at. I could really see the iris, the pupil with the lens underneath, and the optic ganglion was hanging off the back. Then we had to actually cut up the eye to see things clearer. At that point it was a bit too small for me to see certain parts of the eye, but I got to hold the lens (which was a very hard sphere) in my hand. THAT was cool.

That's another thing about cephalopods, they have what is called "camera eyes" like we do. It's said to be a trait with convergent evolution - an adaptation that rose independently in different lineages that was not shared by their common ancestor. We had to draw the squid eye and I cheated a little by using the diagram to aid my drawing, but I think that's okay because the point was I knew where the different parts of the eye were. I got a little carried away with the drawings in general. I drew an extra picture of the eye before dissection, b/c I could see some parts of that really well. And in the drawing of the body, I drew things we didn't need to because it was just soooo fascinating to look at. I drew the tentacles and the suckers.

One thing I have found is, even though I am not a good artist and really have no talent when it comes to drawing, it is satisfying to me and so even when labs are really frustrating to me, if they involve drawing that frustration is quelled.

Two days after that lab was my birthday party, which was awesome and included such a wide variety of people who I knew from different parts of life, and we ate calamari. Squid is tasty as well as an awesome animal.

I do have to say, I start to wonder if I'm some sort of sicko for enjoying dissection so much. Whatever gets you really interested in learning, right?

So, the first half of this quarter was dedicated to evolutionary processes and animal diversification. It wasn't as difficult as last quarter and we weren't covering as much material as quickly, so the pace for winter term is a lot less frenetic. I kinda missed first term - really enjoyed how challenging it was and the material itself. I miss the enzymes and the processes we had to learn about, and the genetic and DNA material, but I have also really enjoyed the weird, quirky things we learned the first half of this quarter as well.

It's not just the cephalopods. Nudibranchs (also, like the cephalopods, a type of mollusc), actually eat the poisonous part of jellies (and other cnidarians) without getting stung and incorporate it into themselves, making them toxic and brilliantly colored. And birds, contrary to what one might think, are most closely related to dinosaurs. And the mating dances of jumping spiders are complex and memorable. Of course, I loved learning about the echinoderms (the sea stars, sea cucumbers, urchins, etc). They have a cool water vascular system. And turtles are cool.

We also covered protists a little bit, mostly to discuss why that name doesn't work anymore with recent data, but in the reading I was just astounded. I had no idea so many diseases came from protists, including malaria and giardia, two things I definitely became more aware of by traveling in India, african sleeping sickness, red tide, chagas, dysentery, and the list goes on. It makes me want to learn more about protists.

That part of the quarter is over and now we are moving on to plants. I think it's going to be cool. No dissections for the next few weeks, but I like plants and love trees so I think it'll be interesting, and probably challenging as we really go into the form and function of plant life. We also have a plant press project to do where we have to collect six different types of plants and dry them out (not an easy task in the Pacific Northwest!) and then preserve them. Looking forward to it.

In music class we have moved on to musical theater, and I have to say I am not so thrilled with it. We have to come up with a song to sing, by next week, and honestly it makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I am just hating it right now. That is sooooo not the kind of music I listen to and I am having so much trouble finding a song. I mean I can find sheet music I'm sure, but to find a song I can actually do, shit, I'm getting nowhere.

We are supposed to really perform the song, at least sound and look sincere while doing it, so I am hoping to find a song I can relate to in some way, but am very skeptical that such a thing exists in musical theater - it is just so not my style, not the kind of stories I identify with, and a genre I'm just completely unfamiliar with. I'm beyond frustrated trying to find something. At least when I've performed or sang songs in front of people before - in a few different situations - I could always pick a song I loved and put some real feeling into it. I am so utterly lost and really beyond complete frustration at this point in the class and I have to perform next week! So I not only have to learn the words and the notes, but also find the sheet music and learn things like, where I come in, how to go along with the accompaniment, etc. I am so beyond frustrated!

It feels like we have no time to find a song. It feels like every other person in our class is all gung ho about musical theater and talking about what shows they loved since they were two (okay it's an exaggeration, obviously) and I still don't know where to start and have no idea wtf I'm going to do and am getting pretty upset just thinking about it. I think the class is inadvertently fostering a deep hatred for musical theater.

I mean, this is the extent of my musical theater exposure: I watched The Sound of Music as a kid, so know (or did know once upon a time) the songs from that, and in high school I was in South Pacific and did stage crew for Wizard of Oz. So I probably could recall bits and pieces from those shows. And I've seen Phantom of the Opera but not so as to remember any of the music. And that's it. And I don't like Rent. So......yeah.

I did go and download The Secret Garden because though I've never seen the musical, I love that story. I remember reading once (in a book that explores the sacred feminine) that The Secret Garden is a great example of a story where the wounded feminine and masculine find healing in each other. I think that's pretty cool.

So yeah, I found a song from that as a possibility, but I think it is too high for my voice. I would say the same for "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," which is the only song I remember from Wizard of Oz, and well, everyone knows that song. I even thought about doing "Edelweis" (sp?) from Sound of Music b/c I so loved that song as a kid and b/c the fact that it's sung by a dude made me think it might actually be in my range but then my teacher played it for me and I don't know if it was some totally different version or what, but it was so high I just pretty much gave up. It's intimidating because so many people in the class can sing really well. And I know my nervousness gets me more than anything, b/c when I am by myself I can hit notes kind of okay but it's like when I get in front of the class, I just can't. At all.

I have a midterm in there tomorrow. A lot of it is anatomy - of the larynx, tongue, ribs and diaphragm, etc. It's funny how much I'd prefer to do that than any of this musical theater stuff. It's like, please give me an anatomy test, b/c that I can do.

And we're not even going to talk about my self-defense class that I started outside of the school one. I don't know if I'm going back or not. Fuck.

Thank god Biology is keeping me engaged and sane and doing something enjoyable! That reminds me I wanted to say a few words about the program I went to in Baltimore (right after my last post) for blind and visually-impaired college students. It was a very inspiring weekend, with interesting speakers and people telling their personal stories (something I love, love, love to no end). And so now I'm looking into how to get involved, most specifically in science-related ways. So I am exploring some programs for blind youth in the sciences and how to get involved with mentoring. I wish I had known about something like that when I was younger, because though I did find a lot of sources of inspiration and encouragement growing up, I never really felt that in the sciences, at all. And now they have blind students working for NASA. So empowering blind students in the sciences is something I really want to get involved in.

Currently Listening:
"School Night" - Ani DiFranco - I LOVE this song, though I do think it's kind of fucked-up that at one part she likens choosing between two lovers to a mother trying to choose which child to rescue from a burning house. That just seems...wrong. At first it turned me off from the song, but I got over it because I really, really love the song. I love her metaphors, the beginning of this song is just pure, classic Ani.

School Night

She went over to his apartment clutching her decision
He said, "Did you come here to tell me goodbye?"
So she built a skyscraper of procrastination
And then she leaned out the 25th floor window of her reply
And she felt like an actress just reading her lines
When finally she said, "Yes, it's really goodbye this time."

Far below was the blacktop and the tiny toy cars
And it all fell so fast and it all fell so far

And she said
You are a miracle but that is not all
You are also a stiff drink and I am on call
You are a party and I am a school night
And I'm looking for my door key but you are my porch light

And you'll never know, dear
Just much I loved you
You'll probably think
This was just my big excuse
But I stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is but one of my truths

What of the mother whose house is in flames
And both of her children are in their beds crying
And she loves them both with the whole of her heart
But she knows she can only carry one at a time
She's choking on the smoke of unthinkable choices
And she is haunted by the voices of so many desires
And she's bent over from the business of begging forgiveness
While frantically running around putting out fires

But then, what kind of scale
Compares the weight of two beauties
The gravity of duties
Or the ground speed of joy?
Tell me what kind of gauge
Can quantify elation
What kind of equation
Could I possibly employ?

And you'll never know, dear
Just much I loved you
You'll probably think
This was just my big excuse
But I stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is just one of my truths

And so I, I'm going home
To please the one I so love pleasing
And I don't expect he'll have much sympathy
For my grieving
But I guess this is the price that we pay
For the privilege of living for living for even a day
In a world with so many things worth believing
In

Skipping Out

2010-01-28T20:26:00.001-08:00

Sorry, but I'm going to have to pass on #FridayFlash this week!

I spent all day wrapping up the loose ends of my school's scholarship application, photocopying documents, turning them in. And then I spent hours tweaking my resume, filling out applications, writing cover letters - all for four jobs. All of them had upcoming deadlines. I'm crossing my fingers that something pans out because they all sounded rad.

Tomorrow I get up at an ungodly early hour to catch the train to the airport for an early morning flight to spend the weekend in Baltimore at a leadership training for the National Federation of the Blind. And I haven't even started packing!

It's going to be a crazy weekend with a lot of time spent on planes (I have a layover each way), and right after I get back, during music class on Monday, I have to do my first solo performance (standing in a group, but singing solo). LOTS going on!

So yeah, no flash this week, but after I get back I will cycle through and read others' flashes. I may have to skip next week too - Thursday is my 29th birthday so I might be occupied, or hungover or otherwise incapacitated!

Have a great weekend everyone. Linda, I hope to see you! People on Orcas: go to Janet Thomas' reading @ Darvill's on tomorrow, the 29th @ 7pm. I am so envious and wish I could be there, so GO! It'll be great. And people in Portland, there is a show tomorrow night on Belmont & 30th (maybe 31st) with five bands. It sounds really awesome, and it's at a place that is in danger of going out of business, so go and support! Also, a girl from my class is playing and backup singing at the show (and she has points in my book b/c during one of our classes, discussing different vocal techniques, she brought up Alice in Chains' "Rooster" and Layne Staley's voice as a perfect example).

Currently Listening:
"Get Home" - Sarah Slean - I FINALLY took my friend Leo's advice and checked this chick out, and I can't believe I waited this long. She's pretty awesome. Her voice is full and expressive and I like her words. I keep having the sense like I've heard her before, especially this song, but I don't know where or when, or if that's just a figment of my imagination. I've been stuck on this song, it grabs you right away. She's a powerful vocalist.

You can stay the night
You can look me in the eye
You can fake your way
To the finish line
But don't you dare profess to love me
When you're lying to another
That's not love, that's just wishin'
Wish and love are not the same thing, yeah

Get home, get home
Take a look at her
You know, you know
That you love her

Mr. Masquerade
Getting good at this charade
Go on fool yourself
With talk of poetry
Don't you dare pretend you're sorry
To me, you're just a tourist
You've gotta stand next to the real one
Cuz you know you'll never be one, yeah

Get home, get home
Nothing more to say
You know, you know
That you'll never change

Oh you'll never change
I don't play the game
With liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Like you

Get home, get home
Nothing more to say
You know, you know
That you'll never change
Oh you'll never change
I don't play the game
With liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Like you

Dog's Eye View

2010-01-25T23:43:00.000-08:00

I forgot how much I love this band. To most people, I think, they were mostly a one-hit wonder with the song, "Everything Falls Apart," and for awhile, that's what they were to me. Until my friend BlueShine came along. This was back in the Spring of 2000, when I spent most of my time at the Chris Cornell Fan Forum after the release of his "Euphoria Morning." When I wasn't posting at the forum, I was talking to people from the forum on chat. One night, Blue and I were talking about Counting Crows, who I'd just recently fallen in love with and she mentioned Dog's Eye View. It turns out that Adam Duritz from the Crows sings on one of their songs, and she piqued my curiosity.

Then the first time I met Blue, at a highway oasis outside Chicago while on a road trip with some friends from college, she gave me Dog's Eye View's album Daisy, and because she really loves their first album, Happy Nowhere, she also gave me something she'd written about it, giving me a few sentences about each song and snippets of lyrics. It's been almost ten years since then and I still think it is one of the coolest things anyone has ever given me, and of course I still have it. It was like this road map of how the album affected and touched her, filled with little stories, and LYRICS. It was just so awesome, to see music through someone else's eyes, before I had my own attachments or perceptions.

It still took me a bit of time to really start listening, but when I did, wow, did I ever listen! Tonight I was listening to them for the first time in a long time, and I thought I might give my own little roadmap.

DAISY

The first song, "Trouble With Love," is filled with all these wise, knowing, kinda cynical contradictions about love. Like this:

"If you say you need me
I will surely run away
But if you swear that you don't care
Then I'll stay until you do
And then I'll leave

I hate to admit it
But you know it's true
Others tell you differently but they're lying to you
Unless it's me
And then I've truly changed..."

I mean it's kind of fucked up, but it's also really real about what people do, and there is a real self-awareness in it that I really love. Some other favorites from this song:

"Love is blind baby, I did something stupid
If I ever find that little turd, I'm gonna kill cupid"

"1,2,3 let me count the ways
4,5,6 let me count the days
Since I thought about you
7,8,9 let me count the years
Lookin' for a heart to break tonight
I hope it's mine, I hope it's mine, I hope it's mine."

I always liked this song, but I remember one night in particular, I was terribly heartbroken, in a shattering sort of way (that had beauty to it too), I was kind of numb and being really funny b/c that's what I do when things are too much, and I played this song even though it's sort of light compared to what I was feeling at the time. I remember the room I was in was dark, and no one else was around and I just needed to sing something, something that had anything to do with love and how it can suck, and so this song was my refuge.

Another song on Daisy that has some history is "Falling in Place" - I used to send this song to a friend of mine on a somewhat regular basis, and I also meant it for myself in a way, because it just seemed like the music medicine she needed at the time. God that was so many years ago. I always left out the chorus, b/c it's a little too happy-lovey, and didn't seem quite as profound as the verses. So here it is, the way I used to post it to her:

"I put my toes on the floor this morning
Just like every other
For some reason today I was not scared
Through myself at the mercy of the wind
I don't know where I'm going
But I know where I've been and I am bored
I think there must be more

I spent 21 years in mourning
For someone I've never been
It's funny how everybody only sees
What they wanna see
Danger comes in all shapes and sizes
I'm tired of looking for it
If you spend your life avoiding surprises
Are you really living or just giving in?

Don't wanna wake up one day and realize
What I was dreaming of
Was right in front of my shut eyes
Don't want to spend my life
Afraid of saying hello
For fear of saying goodbye"

Powerful stuff. I think it's something that's hard NOT to relate to!

"Last Letter Home" is the song that Adam Duritz from Counting Crows sings on. I love the music to this song. It has a melancholy yet melodic feel. I also tend to like songs that refer to letters, b/c I'm a letter writer myself, and I think there is something really romantic and nostalgic and old-worldy and poetic and dreamerly about letters. So that theme in this song just pulls at my heart.

My favorite line is:

"Hopeless
Hope less and do more, say less and feel more this time."

I like how hopeless is kinda turned around. I also think that second line is something good to live by, and something it's easy to tell yourself, repeatedly, in situations that are stuck. It can be like a mantra.

But my favorite is the last song, Umbrella (funny, when I was trying to find the words to this song, I kept finding the Rihanna song instead, yikes). It's another sadder song, and I love, love, love the chorus, which is just one line that is just so perfect. This song also has the album title in it.

Did you like
Flowers I sent?
You could've called to thank me
Well, you could've called
When I tried to kiss you
On Brooklyn Avenue
But you got in your car
Before I could move

And I've been falling like the rain
But you've got your umbrella in my way

Fists and fingers
Tongues and teeths
I want to see you, I'm tired of my dreams
Nights of wishing I could open my mouth
When I finally did speak
You were nowhere to be found

Yeah I've been falling like the rain
But you've got your umbrella in my way

I had the sun in my hands
I had the sun in my hands
I had the sun, you said you liked the rain
Well I got it all in my hands
I had it all in my hands
but I gave it all away

Did I scare you off
By being honest?
How come we never see the end till it's right there upon us?
If you want, I can go away
But like the rain, I'll come again some other day

I've been falling like the rain
But you've got your umbrella in my way again

One of these days I'm gonna show up in the sunshine
Be a little sunshower
Fall upon you, make you rise up
Like a flower
You can be my little daisy
Be my daisy

Germs on the Playground (Or, Constant Eclipse - Flash Two)

2010-01-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

During recess on the playground, I played with my best friend Lisa, a quiet girl with the straightest, longest brown hair in our grade. We sat in a tunnel and played Outer Space, which meant we named ourselves after planets.

“Do you like New Kids on the Block?” she asked me.

“What’s that, Mercury?”

“A music group. Everyone loves them.”

I shook my head. “I never heard of it.” At my house we only listened to Sesame Street and Disney.

“Oh,” Lisa said. “Hey Jupiter, let’s go to the tower.” I liked being called Jupiter. I played it over and over in my head as we walked across the wooden playground. I wanted to be someone else.

“Ewww!” yelled Awful Andy as we passed by his group of boys on our way to the tower. “Everyone get away! We’ll get Chrys germs!” The boys scattered and shrieked. One of them stopped running, turned and asked, “How many fingers am I holding up?” in a taunting voice. I could see the blurry shape of his hand, but it was too far away for me to make out individual fingers. I would never admit that I couldn't see well enough to know. It would prove they were right in their teasing, and give them more to use against me. Instead of answering, I ran after the boys as they dove away in horror. “I do not have any germs!” I screamed.

They were too fast for me to chase. “You can't catch us, Grandma!” yelled Lance. I knew it was him by his voice, and because he always called me Grandma, for my white hair. “Grandma's too slow,” he said to one of the other boys in the group. They were about ten feet away, and it was hard for me to distinguish their faces, especially because they were boys. Girls were easier to tell from far away because their clothes, backpacks and hairstyles were more unique and distinct. The boys all wore dark colors and had similar short haircuts, so I would've had to be closer to discern the details and separate them by names.

Lisa caught up to me as I made mean faces at the boys in the distance. We could still hear them talking. “She's a ghost,” said one, and I cringed. I hated when they called me that. “It's good we didn't catch her germs,” said another, kicking at the gravel and stirring up clouds of dust I could see. “Did you ever notice,” asked yet another boy in the huddle, “that every time she sharpens a pencil, she puts it so close to her eye and stares at it?” That must've been Kurt, because he always laughed at me after I came away from the pencil sharpener in our classroom and studied the tip of my pencil to make sure it was sharp. “She's a freak,” he said.

“Come on, Jupiter,” Lisa said quietly. “Let's go to the tower and play Outer Space some more.” We walked back to the castle but I kept looking back at the boys, my mouth slightly open. I wanted to run after them, prove that I wasn't a freak or a grandma and it wasn't my fault I had to look close at things like pencils to see if they were sharp, or hands to see how many fingers they were holding up. And that I didn't have germs.

Deep down though, I felt like a ghost, a weirdo beyond weirdos, and even though I wanted to, I felt like I had no solid grounds to defend myself. I sat in the tower with Lisa, and felt more like a mealworm than a celestial body.

Lisa came over my house that afternoon. “Well, how was school?” Mom asked as we settled in with my brother Randy for an afternoon snack. It had to be healthy so we had peanut butter crackers. Mom sat down at the table with us.

“They did the ‘Chrys germs’ thing again,” I said and bit into my cracker.

“Did you provoke it?” She was across the table so it was hard for me to see her features, but her voice made it sound like they must be hard.

“No,” I said right away. “They’re mean, Mom.”

“It’s really stupid,” Lisa chimed in my defense. “I mean, they’re just so dumb. You don’t have germs. And even, let’s say you really did, it’s not like you catch them just like that.” She tapped me quick on the shoulder. “Boop!”

“Right,” I said. Even Randy, who was two years younger and probably didn’t know what germs were, nodded his head.

“Actually,” said Mom, “germs do jump that fast.”

I couldn’t finish my crackers. I was crushed. Sometimes it felt like she thought I had germs too. She didn't ever touch me. I had the strong feeling that she was ashamed of my albinism, of having a child who was such a freak. It was a topic we never touched. That shame seeped into me like osmosis.

*******

This is my second #FridayFlash - short pieces of writing posted every Friday, so keep reading! This is an excerpt from the very beginning of my memoir, Moonchild, a memoir about being a freshman in college with albinism.

Before the bulk of the book is a section called Eclipses, four chapters about my childhood and adolescence before college that really shaped that experience. This one is from the first chapter, Constant Eclipse, which is about my life when I was in elementary school.

Some names have been changed.

Another excerpt from the same area of the memoir:

Constant Eclipse - Flash One

Currently Listening:
"American Cowboy" - Jada - I can't believe I'm publicly admitting to listening to this song, b/c it's soooo not my style, and it's pretty stupid (and I'm not into cowboys, lol), but I blame House for getting me stuck on this song - for anyone who watched Season 5, it's the song from Chase's bachelor party. It's infuriatingly addicting and strangely, I like it, kind of a lot. So there!

Odds & Ends on a Perfectly Dreary Tuesday Morning

2010-01-19T08:25:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'm really glad I joined #FridayFlash - it has been really nice to post my work, to see that more people are reading and to read the work of other writers. They're all less than 1,000 words, so it's great to have quick reads like that. I encourage anyone who reads here to pop into the comments section on the #FridayFlash post below and read some of the other Flashers' work. Hmmm, that sounds pretty dirty; I love it.

I also want to direct you to Joy in Hope the organization that my good friend Stargazerleo's cousins are part of in Haiti. They have been living there for several years now. Also, at the end of J. M. Strother's #FridayFlash (he is the creator of FridayFlash) there are some links to aid organizations, including a cross-listing. I have been reading that small donations are really making a difference, so even though I am really not in a good spot financially at the moment, I gave to Doctors Without Borders this morning.

And! Just announced! The lovely Linda Simoni-Wastila is donating $1 for every comment on her Help Haiti post to Doctors Without Borders. If you link her post on your blog, she'll double it! And while you're over there, taking the time to make a simple comment so she can donate a dollar on your behalf, you should check out her writing too, because she's awesome.

For anyone in the Portland area and especially other Portland State students, there will be a blood drive on campus (SMSU 3rd Floor Ballroom):

Monday 2/1 11:00-4:00
Tuesday 2/2 11:00-4:00
Wednesday 2/3 11:00-4:00

You can make a donation appointment online by clicking the link below. You can also contact Gwyn Ashcom at gwyn@pdx.edu or at 503-725-5123 to schedule your donation appointment.

give blood

I'm going to do it if I can - I can't remember what the restrictions are regarding tattoos, but as long as they don't mind that I got one ten months ago, in a third world country, I'm going to give.

Speaking of doctors and international relief work, I came across Redundancy Redefined, a blog by Scott, a member of my study group. The most recent post, The Kurdish Surgeon is an interview with Mina Meman who is embarking on a journey to make a documentary about health care in Kurdistan, which I think is amazing, and the interview is really worth a read.

So many people are doing so many amazing things in the world.

And (maybe?) that brings us to my life which is not nearly so interesting or having such a profound impact on the world, at the moment anyway. It just feels like I'm overdue for some updates.

The first week back in class was really hard. Biology wasn't, but surprisingly, my singing class and my self-defense class both were difficult. In the singing class, we do a lot of movement, including lots of physical exercises to get us ready to sing, posture training, and some movement games, and all of that is really hard for me to follow visually. I felt like quitting after the first day I was so frustrated. I just can't see the nuances of posture or the intricacy of movements so I often can't keep up and it felt humiliating because while others were following perfectly, I just couldn't and felt like I looked like an idiot. So it has been challenging. Add to that that while reading the syllabus I realized we have to do three solo performances that are graded, and there is a whole section on musical theater, which means a lot more movement. I was more worried that this class might bring down my GPA than I ever worried about Biology! Eeeeeeek! But I decided to stick with it. I've always wanted to learn to sing, and the instructor is being really helpful and encouraging, so I decided to keep going. It's gotten easier, now that I'm more used to the movements that we do, and it's gotten more fun and less stressful. Still, the performances seem scary and I'm sure I'll be a nervous wreck.

We also will have a midterm in the singing class, and a lot of that will actually be a test on anatomy. We are spending a lot of time going over the anatomy of the throat, the larynx, the tongue, the ribs and intercostal muscles, etc. And I am loving that part of things.

Self-defense was even harder. The class was in a big room, and there were a LOT of students. I really couldn't follow just about anything in the first class, and felt so frustrated I wanted to cry. The things we were learning in that class, like how to be assertive, yell strongly, etc, are really not my strong point too. I felt like I was one of the shyest people in the class, which only made me feel worse about not being able to keep up. There were some other things that made the class even harder, and I decided not to stay with that class. Since I think I really do need those skills, though, I found something else, which I think will be even better. I found a class offered through the Portland police department's WomensStrength Program. It's free (rather than paying tuition for a credit hour), and they are on the up and up about accommodations, and they said I will have someone working with me individually during the class, that's what they do for visually-impaired students. Right on! And the place is really easy to get to on public transit. The first class is on my birthday.

And then I have Biology. It's been great. This quarter goes at a slower pace than last term, and the material seems a lot easier. Evolution is pretty straightforward. There's been a lot of vocabulary, and new concepts, and I'm enjoying the class, but it's just not as hard, or as frenetically paced as last term. And part of me misses that, because it was so challenging. I notice I'm not quite as motivated this time around because it just really, so far, isn't that difficult. Lab has been interesting, too. They re-structured it a bit from last term. Tomorrow for the first time ever in my life, I will be doing a dissection (of a perch). I feel like I should be grossed out, or have some ethical concerns, but the honest truth is that I'm kind of really psyched, like how fucking cool is that?! I want to see innards. I'll get to see the heart and the intestines and the liver and the gills and the stomach and the pyloric ceca (whatever that is). The thing that worries me most is how bad it's all going to smell. Before lab, I have my first Bio exam for the quarter tomorrow, so it'll be an exciting day. After all of that, I'll be helping a friend of mine from Orcas who moved to Portland awhile ago to go to midwifery school celebrate her 30th birthday, so tomorrow is a loaded day, and I probably should be studying, and reading up on my dissection, but procrastination prevails.

In other news, I'm going to Baltimore for a weekend at the end of the month, for a training program with the National Federation of the Blind's College Leadership Program. I don't know what to expect, but should be interesting. It will be one hell of a whirlwind trip, flying out on a Friday, flying back earlyish on Sunday, and hopefully it'll be worth the time and effort! After the leadership program, the NFB heads to DC for their annual Washington Seminar where lots of blind and visually-impaired people gather to talk to their Congressional representatives about issues that effect the blind community. It goes on through most of the week that follows that weekend, and I'm a little sad I can't go and experience the whole thing, but I have class, performance in music, and my second exam in bio coming up. So I'll just be at the Baltimore part of it, and hopefully that will be really great.

Want to hear something that just makes my day? So, every episode of Grey's Anatomy is named after a song, and there have been some good ones so far - the ones I've appreciated have mostly been classic rock or REM and one Nine Inch Nails - but nothing from any band that I really love. We're on Season 6 here, so I was sort of giving up hope but always really wanting to have an episode named after a song I love, especially since I love to name chapters and pieces of writing after songs or song references. Well I just found out that the episode that comes out on my birthday is called "State of Love and Trust" which for anyone who doesn't know, is a song by Pearl Jam from the "Singles" soundtrack. I love that song! It's quirky but that just totally made my day. I can't wait!

Currently listening:
"Famous Blue Raincoat" - Tori Amos (cover) - probably one of my favorite covers she's done. The song is originally by Leonard Cohen, and if you pay attention to the lyrics, they're like a letter. From what I remember reading, Tori wanted to cover the song, vocally, as if she was Jane, who had stolen the letter and was reading it out loud. I just love the words, the music, the atmosphere of the song, and her voice. It's full of emotion, and has a melancholy feel to it.

It's 4 in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now to see if you're better
New York is cold but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening

I hear that you're building your little house, deep in the desert
I hear you're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
On the night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Last time I saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat torn at the shoulder
Been to the station to meet every train
You came home alone without lili marlene

You treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife

Well, I see you there with a rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well, I see Jane's awake

She sends her regards

What can I tell you my brother, my killer?
What can I possibly say?
Hey, I guess that I miss you
I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way

If you ever come by here
For Jane
No, for me
Your enemy is sleeping
And his woman is free

Well, thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
On the night that you planned to go clear

Sincerely, L. Cohen

Constant Eclipse - Flash One

2010-01-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

I was scared that Mom or Dad would kill me in my sleep. Dad was an FBI agent and he had a gun that he sometimes kept in the house. I thought even he was afraid of Mom, who screamed all the time, got hysterically mad and spanked me when I was little. It was her I listened for as I laid in bed in my thin yellow nightgown, reading Nancy Drew by the light of my night-light, while I tried not to think about getting murdered.

My parents' bedroom door opened and I heard Mom’s sharp footsteps in the hallway. They sounded mad. I waited curled on my side with the book under the covers and screamed No, Mom, No! inside my head. If either of them came for me tonight, I’d jump out the window. I didn’t care that my room was upstairs. I’d jump anyway, land mangled on the driveway and run across our yard as fast as I could. I’d pound on our next-door neighbor’s door. If she answered, I’d tell her my parents were chasing me and beg her to protect me. If she didn’t believe me, I’d run faster and pound harder at the next house and go through the neighborhood with wild desperation until I found someone who would keep me safe. It might not last. My parents might follow me, shoot into the distance or use the authorities to take me back, but that was like the second story window and the driveway; if I wanted to survive, I'd have to think about it later.

The bathroom door opened and Mom went in. I kept freezing. She finally stalked back to her room and I breathed. The quiet lasted a few full chapters.

I got up and went to my window. It faced the driveway and our front yard with its giant tree. The moon was out, maybe full, I couldn’t tell. It was big and white and round and it cast shadows through the branches onto the grass. I had a huge feeling of dark and mysterious magic in my chest. If I could touch it, it would be like touching my soul. It would make me huge too, and magic. I stood watching the moon, the tree, and the shadows until I was finally tired.

I woke up early for school. I woke up alive. I went downstairs and talked to my dad about the weather as I got ready for school. I talked to him as cheerfully as possible and asked a million questions in hopes of hearing his usual cheerfulness back. It was reassurance that I would be okay. He was a good way to gauge if anyone was mad at me, because Dad agreed with everything Mom thought. Being downstairs helped me eavesdrop and figure out where everyone was and put me in a much better position to run if I had to. When I walked out the front door, I felt like I could finally fully breathe, and drank in deep breaths of fresh air.

*******

This is my first #FridayFlash - short pieces of writing posted every Friday, so keep reading! This is an excerpt from the very beginning of my memoir, Moonchild, a memoir about being a freshman in college with albinism.

Before the bulk of the book is a section called Eclipses, four chapters about my childhood and adolescence before college that really shaped that experience. This one is from the first chapter, Constant Eclipse, which is about my life when I was in elementary school. It's a pretty intense piece, I admit, but I figure, why not just dive right in?

~Chrys

Currently Listening:
"I Believe in a Thing Called Love" - The Darkness - something about the music to this song really reminds me of The Cars, which is just sort of...funny or something. It's an addicting song.

Albino

2010-01-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

Since I am going to be posting some of my writing here, and a lot of my writing is memoir, I thought I'd preface all that with a brief discussion of the condition that I have, which is called albinism, as it obviously colors my story and who I am. I thought it would be a good reference point for future stories. I also thought it would be good for any new readers (and I always want those, and want to make this place as user-friendly as possible) and also for long-time readers because I am still working on being more comfortable talking about it. And I want to welcome discussion, if anyone has questions or comments.

Here it is:

I am albino. Albinism is a recessive genetic condition characterized by lack of pigment and legal blindness. My skin and hair are paler than pale, and my eyes are a translucent blue that sometimes looks red in the light. Since albinism is recessive and fairly rare, I'm the only one in my family with the condition.

As an albino, I'm sensitive to light. Outside I wear sunscreen, and either dark glasses with UV protection or hats with dark brims. Bright light hurts my eyes and makes my eyesight worse, blotting out everything else around me so all I see is blinding brightness.

My eyes move all the time. It's another part of albinism called nystagmus. Even if I'm staring at a fixed point, my eyes jiggle. I don't notice it myself and often feel like I'm looking in a steady direction, but the constant eye movement makes my vision loss visible to everyone else. I live in the murky territory of visual impairment: legally blind, technically classified as disabled, but not totally blind. I rely on my limited vision, a heightened sense of sound and a lot of guessing to get along in the world.

So, there you have it, in a nutshell.

Currently Listening:
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows - oddly sort of almost appropriate to the post, but not really. Hmmm. Some people might know this song from the "Cruel Intentions" soundtrack of oh-so-many years ago, but I know it from their third album, This Desert Life, which is such a good album, and one I haven't listened to all the way through in years. It always reminds me of the spring of my freshman year of college (as does their debut, August and Everything After) - there is something really atmospheric about their songs, even though they don't really come out with atmospheric music. It's hard to explain, it's like I get a feeling I can't really name or hold onto that almost feels like a memory of a past life in a different place when I listen to them. Somewhere hot and humid with warm wind as early as March, with a certain feeling in the air that I really can't grasp. Time to go listen more fully.

I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded
and unfolding, I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready, I am
fine
I am fine

A Fun, Flash Fiction Contest You Can Vote In!

2010-01-14T22:08:00.000-08:00

Want to read some very cool and short fiction? You can vote for your favorite, and the winner gets published in an anthology. I think it's really cool. This whole thing is centered around #FridayFlash, a writers phenomenon thatstarted on the internet and has really taken off. I think it's just awesome to support grassroots writing communities like this.

So go to the #FridayFlash contest site, read the entries, and vote!

I also have to add my own persuasion in here and especially urge you to vote for the gifted and brilliant writer, Linda Simoni-Wastila and her piece, SILVER BULLET. It's excellent. Any readers who may be or ever have been involved in academia might especially enjoy it. Or anyone who's just had a real asshole for a teacher at some point. And that has to apply to just about everyone! So go read it, and don't forget to vote to see your favorite piece get some publication.

I just think the whole thing really rocks.

In other news, I am going to be joining #FridayFlash myself, so look for some memoir writing, fiction writing, maybe another splash or two of poetry, here on Fridays. Some people on here, even those I've known for years, haven't ever seen my writing, so here is your chance. I'll still do other blogs about life and all that during the week. I hope you will read along and check in on Fridays.

In other, less-related news, it is Thursday night and I can't help myself (even though I am a little embarrassed about my over-the-top fandom) from saying how freakin' happy I am that Grey's Anatomy finally came back tonight! My world has been a little dark ever since New Year's Eve adn I can't seem to shake that darkness, and today was definitely a dark day and somehow, dorky as this may be, watching Grey's tonight brought a little light to my smile and brightened my day. And I can't wait until next week, when The Office will also be back. Just loving having that to look forward to on Thursdays and House on Mondays.

But don't forget! Go read the flash fiction and vote!

Currently listening:
"Independence Day" - Ani DiFranco - so weird, this song just came up twice, not quite right in a row, but close, on my iTunes. I've been in an Ani sort of mood lately, and I really love this song. I love sassy Ani, but I also love her softer, dark and brooding like this. And I love the lines about trying to make molehills out of mountains. Just love her way with words.

we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp
on the 4th of july
we sat out on the hood with a couple of warm beers and watched the fireworks
explode in the sky
and there was an exodus of birds from the trees
but they didnt know, we were only pretending
and the people all looked up, and were pleased
and the birds flew around like the whole world was ending

and i don't think war is noble
and i don't like to think that love is like war
and i gotta big hot cherry bomb, and i want to slip it through the mail slot
of your front door

don't leave me here
i've got your back now
you'd better have mine
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal
and did i tell you how i stopped eating?
when you stopped calling me
and i was cramped up shitting rivers for weeks
and pretending that i was finally free

don't leave me here
now that your back
you'd better stay this time
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp,
on the 4th of july
and i planted my dusty boots on the bumper and sat out on the hood,
and looked up at the sky

I Am Not Your Touch Tank Sea Star

2010-01-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

So, for whatever reason, I've been feeling like putting some of my writing up, so here is a poem I wrote that I really love.

I Am Not Your Touch Tank Sea Star

When I’m a sea star
I hold the sea’s mystery in my purple
Yet I live at the tips of my spines
Erected like walls to protect
My soft center from being hurt or feeling
The hurt I’ve already been.
As I scavenge along the bottom
For bull kelp and sea lettuce
I cling to any steady surface
With tube feel like a miser who knows
I don’t deserve the water
And I don’t let anyone touch me

Sometimes I’m a sea cucumber
Spikes only ward my demons off for show
I let them go tender
And as I lay exposed
My past creeps up behind me
Slithering inside my open sores
Carrying their torches of truth
I feel them settle in my gut
So I twist it around them, bunch it up
With a hurl I eviscerate my organs
And scramble to grow new insides

Once I was an octopus
Used eight arms to lift the top of the holding tank
Squeezed out, dropped to the floor and crawled
Through the crack under the door
Famished on the sand, inching forward
Telling myself I will not let them
Make me let myself die
If I can give me a little slack and a lot of love
I might make it
Back to the deeper seas I knew before captivity
Where they can’t coax me back
To put me in the big tank, captive
For their audience
I am free

On a blue moon I’m a blue dolphin
On waves with deeper frequency
Intelligence unfocused on rational thought
Feel no shame for stranding myself
To help a member of my pod in need
Sensed out with echolocation
Weathered harsh, howling storms
By surrendering to their windblown frenzy
I know the patterns of Earth’s turning
I have been to blue depths

Today I just want to be
Myself
Deep down
I am
The sea.

I wrote this in the summer of 2003 so it's several years old now. That spring I worked OEE (Outdoor Environmental Education) on Orcas Island. During that season, I had to teach challenge and science classes to groups of kids, mostly in fifth or sixth grade (but there were a few groups younger and older). Some of the science classes included pond ecology, forest ecology, the water cycle, microforest, "Super Salmon" and most notably related to this post, marine invertebrates and marine mammals.

I had a rough time for a lot of reasons, one being that I was not so familiar with this material before I worked there. I had taken some basic environmental science class but nothing in depth on marine life. And a lot of these creatures we were looking at and studying were soooo small I could barely see them, much less make distinctions and identifications. So I was learning as I was teaching, and learning by teaching. At the same time I was going through some intense personal stuff, and felt stressed out always having to be so "on" for the kids. There were a lot of fourteen-hour days and I remember walking around, going from class to class at different locations around camp with this poem in my head, the words coming together around my own personal struggle and what I was learning about marine life.

And just FYI the octopus part is based on a real story that happened that spring. An octopus really did escape a holding tank by somehow lifting the lid and slithering out. I can't remember all the details, I want to say it died trying to get back to the water, but am just not sure if I'm recalling that accurately. I remember feeling so inspired by that octopus' instinct for freedom.

All in all, I am not absolutely satisfied with the poem - to me it feels too prose-y. And that is always my issue. I don't think poetry comes naturally to me. I don't read a lot of it, and blasphemous as this may sound, I don't like much of it. When I find a poem or a poet I like, it is a big deal. In fact, I honestly prefer some of the poetry written by friends and people I know (in a blows everything else out of the water sort of way) to most of what I'd find in anthologies, literary journals or acclaimed chapbooks. A huge percent of it just doesn't speak to me. I like the idea of poets and poetry, and even the word poetry, more than I actually like it. All this to say, I am well aware that poetry is not my forte.

I want to say this too, for anyone who isn't familiar, the title and the last line are a play on a song by Audioslave called "I Am the Highway." It's on their first, self-titled album and though I was not a huge fan of that album, there were a handful of songs I really loved, and this one was particularly fitting for my life at the time, especially the winter immediately before that spring working OEE on Orcas Island. I had moved out of my parents' house, which felt more like an escape than a moving out, and was struggling through life in Seattle, and this song just embodied a lot of my sentiments at the time. No wonder some of the rhythm and the music seeped into my own attempt at poetry.

Currently Listening:
"I Am the Highway" - Audioslave - well, duh. It relates to the post so I put it on (and actually realized I had never transferred this album to my computer, though I did have a few songs). Crazy how you can go so many years without hearing a song and how seamlessly the words come back to mind.

Pearls and swine, bereft of me
Long and weary, my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity
For leaving, I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me
Cuz I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close
To you, I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

"All in the Cold Midwinter and at the Midnight Hour"

2010-01-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

Or, what I did over my winter vacation.

I've actually been dying to blog about this but wanted to get some other things out of the way first. Like revamping it and updating it, for instance.

A few years ago, I wrote this post about my favorite winter memory, the second winter I spent living in the dispensary, a perfect cabin at Camp Orkila and how blissful that winter was, revelling in my connectedness to the natural world. I sometimes feel there aren't words for how satisfying in a soul way living there was to me. And it wasn't just the proximity to the ocean, the way I heard the owls and the creaking of cedar trees at night, or the thick woods I could walk through or even the months I lived there while having very little work, or all the great books I read, or the great company I had in my friend Tracy, or the walks by the coast.

Some of it was the house itself. I have lived a lot of places. I could romanticize a lot of them in memory. I'm a nostalgic kind of girl. But the dispensary was different. To me, it was perfect. It's really a cabin, all wood walls, and I just love the coloring and the light, it just really strikes something deep inside me and when I'm there, I feel like I'm sort of spiritually home. And it is not something that is only in retrospective nostalgia. I felt it the moment I first walked in, in late 2003. I remember it so clearly. The regular season at camp was over, there were only a few of us left and this girl who I didn't know too well was living there and she invited me to come over and so I went. When I got there she was on the phone and kept telling me she would be off soon and kept talking and I was just soaking up the surroundings, instantly struck with an affinity for the house, the adorable way the curtains hung on the windows, reminding me of some old camping trip or something. While I waited for her to get off the phone, I had a little notebook w/me and I took it out and wrote a poem about the house. If there is love at first sight, well maybe it felt a little like that. I am a place-lover anyway.

So all that to say, it's been years since I spent any extended time there, until a few weeks ago. I still don't know quite how it happened. I was planning on going to Orcas for the holidays, but was having some struggles arranging it, knowing where to stay, how to get there, and somehow it all fell into place. I took the train to Seattle, met with my buddy and writer friend/mentor Janet who drove to the islands, and some friends who are at camp this winter suggested staying in the dispensary. So I did.

It was blissful. In my heart of hearts it was exactly, EXACTLY what I wanted out of my winter vacation. It was like my own private writing retreat, and I desperately needed something to get me started. Something felt so comfortable there. I sat on the couch where I once read Mists of Avalon for a month, and wrote for three days. I slept in my old room, in my old bed and just tried to soak up every moment of being there. It looks a lot different, with different people's stuff there. In the summer, the house is the "health hut" so there were all these doctorly things in there, which just rocked my world of course, lol. In my bathroom there were all these anatomy charts on the walls. It was perfect.

My first night there, I got in late at night, dropped my stuff off and immediately walked by the ocean. I have missed the ocean. I have missed that stretch of ocean, even during all the years living on Orcas but off of camp, I have missed it. I have missed walking it alone. It had been probably close to five years since the last time I did that. It was weird. I used to do it all the time. I used to know all the trees and major logs and rocks. I used to walk there all the time. That got me through the early winter of 2004, which was my first winter on Orcas, and really hard, and really, really rewarding. I had so many insights and realizations and aha moments walking that shore. I walked in when I was sad, when I was working things out in my own mind, when I was caught up in grief, when I was inspired, when I was happy, and mostly when I was most deeply, really me. That shore, with its cold, softer Puget Sound waves, its inky dark water, its curved shoreline shape, its distant, unreal horizon, its other islands, its sky, became like a real, good, true friend to me and I loved it unequivocally. And knew it. There are so many experiences I could recount that took place there, like the time I went skinny-dipping in the middle of February and how gorgeously cold the water was, but most of the experiences were more internal, personally meaningful, subtle and intangible but palpable.

So it was weird to be back. Really weird. Disconcertingly weird at first. It made me think of that phrase, "you can't step in the same river twice." It was beautiful and somber as always. It was the same. I wasn't. I felt so viscerally the difference between me visiting and walking this ocean now from me who had walked and loved that ocean years ago. I don't know if this makes any sense, or even what it means, but the main feeling I got (aside from being a visitor now, rather than a regular part of that landscape as I felt before), was that I felt taller.

What? I don't know what that means. My actual height hasn't changed. If I felt heavier or bigger it would make at least some sense, but I just kept getting this unshakable feeling that I was taller than the last time I'd been there, alone, at night. It was such a strong, distinct and precise feeling, so unmistakable, but also so not actually true in reality. So I thought it might be symbolic, but of what? I don't know. I do think it meant something though.

I also felt like I couldn't re-enter that old self that used to walk that sea. Sometimes, I sort of do this thing, if I'm really hit w/nostalgia, where I can almost re-enter an older time. The almost part is painful, like it's just within my grasp, so almost there, but always not quite, just almost. In this state I can conjure up the old feelings like body memories and capture a sense or a "feeling" about the older time, something I never would have quite felt when I was in it because it's a sense or feeling colored in by memory. It's hard to explain. But I couldn't do it. I was so not the same person as I once was.

The distance felt so undeniable, an inarguable fact. I felt the distance and I felt like I was somehow more detached, more cynical maybe, though that doesn't quite describe it. Distant is really the word. The tide was out and I climbed up a huge rock that I always used to sit on. I sat there for awhile, thinking about what happened between back then and then. It made me feel sad, and I felt like I should have felt more profoundly sad, and on some level I did, but it felt like things were only getting to that level, and not to anything deeper.

It just got me contemplating, and thinking about how I haven't been writing much, for years. Not really. Not the way I used to. Not anything other than blogs or journal entries. No poetry. No stories. No memoir. When I start, I write for a few days and then I turn away and just don't want to go back to it. Something I've been sort of circling around for months now suddenly became crystallized.

I write because I don't want to feel.

And if I write, I will feel. And if I write, I will write about a particular situation and I don't want to feel one sliver of it. I don't. It was awful. I was in a horrible relationship - that is not to say the guy was horrible, I want to make that clear, and I was no saint either, not by far - but somehow the mixture of the two of us was destructive, to me anyway, in ways I couldn't see until after he left. What kills me, the part I have the hardest time with, is my part in it all, the fact that I betrayed myself. I betrayed myself every day, day in and day out, every day we lived together. I did it so much it became invisible and I stopped even seeing it. For whatever reason, of all the things that happened, THAT is the part I have trouble accepting and facing, that betrayal of self. I shut my mouth about what I thought. I didn't say anything when he would make these outrageously sexist comments that seriously offended me. I didn't say anything when he ridiculed things I believed in politically, I just stopped saying them, or pretended to agree, to keep the peace. And then there were the things that were actually directed at me, that I still would never want to say b/c I feel so awful that I didn't say anything. And those are just the surface-y things. It went so much deeper. I wasn't myself. I wasn't free to be myself. I've gone through a lot in my life, a lot of horrible shit in one way or another, and always I felt like there was some intrinsic, spiritual core inside me that survived, that sometimes was even enriched and deepened by loss in the right context, an inner guide of sort of led me through, and when things got really awful I would often have calming or sacred or healing experiences around nature. It always felt like that part of me didn't survive that relationship. Maybe because I suppressed it and abandoned it at every turn. I've felt really lost. Really afraid to feel. Ever since. It's been awhile now. I don't want to keep feeling that way.

And, sitting on that rock, I realized that continuing to not write is, in a way, just a continued betrayal. There are a million reasons not to write, but that, and the fact that it could be hard doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. All I know is, I feel like that story is inside me, screaming, clamoring louder and louder every day to be let out, to be put on paper so it can be real, so I can look at it and maybe see things I never saw, so I can write into truth that goes beyond what I consciously know, because that's what happens when I write, other ways of knowing surface, some sort of healing alchemy stirs into motion. And I always feel better after. Not always during writing difficult things, but I always feel better after. And a lot of times it's funny. I mean what can you do sometimes when things are really, really dark, how can you face that darkness without a way to laugh? So a lot of times it ends up funny in ways that surprise me, dark ways, ironic ways, funny ways that aren't really funny, not really because they're heartbreaking, but they're also funny. And laughter, like crying, is release. But most of all, when I'm writing, I am really, distinctly myself with all my complexities and not the face I put on for anyone else, or the self I put on in this shitty situation, but wholly myself. And it is terrifying! But also rewarding. So I decided for 2010 I am going to write. I am carving out the time. I don't know where it will take me, and I am really just writing for myself, longhand, but the point is, I am writing. At the moment I'm writing about writing, but still.

As I got off that rock and walked the sea back to the dock, I started thinking about an experience I had when I was living in the dispensary. One morning I woke up really early, just around dawn, and it was one of the most glorious mornings ever. I was in the middle of Mists of Avalon (which I will tell anyone, is a great book to read in winter, it just is). I was at this part where Morgaine, the main character who was trained as a priestess in goddess worship, who has sort of left behind her training to live in the world. Then, much later, at the point where I was reading that morning, she was reconnecting with her roots, rediscovering ley lines and the old ways. Something about the feeling and that morning was so infectious and filled me with this magical feeling like I too was waking up to something. It was winter, right before solstice, but there were some brilliant sunrise colors. I went on a walk through the woods to a place called Chapel Rock in the early light and just felt so inspired and connected to the natural world and like I was coming undone and blossoming inside myself.

Awhile later, when I left camp the first time and stopped living there, I was pretty heartbroken to leave. I feel like people never fully understand this because people are so used to loving people (which of course I do too) but I loved that land. Leaving felt like tearing a part of my heart out. I had never had a relationship with land quite like that and it really, really broke my heart to leave. I had my reasons, and I think they were good and wise, but really, really difficult. I was in mourning in the days leading up to my departure. And I remember my last day of work that time around, being there in the morning, and being really caught up in the mourning, thinking of all the things I was leaving, remembering fall mornings washing the lodge windows and seeing the brilliant colors of the trees, revisiting a tree I had once leaned on in a time of great sorrow, knowing my life wouldn't be quite the same after I left. And it wasn't. I always missed living there in fall and winter with a yearning that could cut through me, and years later, I still sometimes do. I was afraid I wouldn't be my true, in touch, soul-satisfied and whole self that I was while living there.

And I remember thinking that morning, as the hours slipped away, time feeling so unreal, that maybe it would be okay. Maybe we have to lose ourselves or just lose sometimes, so that we can have a morning of awakening like the one I'd had that winter morning, reading about Morgaine's. I even wrote something about it, because years ago, I wrote about that day. Let me go find it.

I’m a little worried still that I might just be numb, but then I think again, so what? Maybe it’s not so bad that we lose ourselves now and again, just so we can experience awakening. Maybe I will indeed have another day like that one in winter when I woke up so early with Mists of Avalon and couldn’t even contain my yearning for life in the wild early hours, when I felt acute and alive like the most divine lust. It’s never a straight path, there are so many spirals and levels that i’m sure there will be more euphoria mornings.

Okay, I must say, reading this years later, I am embarrassed by that last line, b/c it's a reference to Chris Cornell and it's kind of corny, and he sucks so bad now, but the words are perfect for the feeling.

So anyway, a few weeks ago, on the solstice and at night, walking back along the ocean, I was thinking kind of similar thoughts. Maybe it's okay if parts of us go underground for awhile. Maybe we need that for survival, even if it's surviving something that shouldn't be the way it is, something that needs to be changed. Survival always comes first. Sometimes those parts go underground because we need to live in the world, like Morgaine, and maybe that's okay because there is eventually if we allow it, the joy of rediscovery, awakening, coming home to ourselves. And it's somehow richer because there's some mettle behind it, if that makes sense. There's wisdom. There's life lived. Morgaine would have been pretty boring to read about if she had just stayed on Avalon, never joining the struggles of the world and living a human life.

It felt like that is what my journey to Orcas for the holidays was about. It was an inkling. It wasn't as vibrant or as innocent as the morning years ago, but it was a glimpse of how to dig up the buried parts, and for me, it's always primarily through writing and nature. So I'm writing.

I spent the next few days walking around, writing, soaking up the feeling of the dispensary, trying not to forget that thawing out and coming home may not be easy, but they are worth it. And now I'm back home in my new home, and I'm still writing. So, that's something. I guess I got what I wanted for the holidays, and I think I'd take this more difficult gift which might require some wrestling with over anything I could find in a store, any day, and especially in winter.

Speaking of, the lyric I used to title this blog is from a song that Tori does on "Midwinter Graces." And what shocked me is when I came home and had my own little holiday thing in my apartment, drinking hot chocolate and watching (yes, here we go again) the Christmas episode of Grey's (and I love, love, love, love it, one of my all-time favorite episodes, it's sooooo good) and another version of this same song was on there! Love it.

Currently Listening:
"Abnormally Attracted to Sin" - Tori Amos

mpeccable peccadillo
You are off your guard
Pussy will calls there by the church
"don't go in if you are
abnormally attracted to sin"
Abnormally attracted to sin

She may be dead to you
But her hips sway a natural kind of faith
That could give your lost heart
A warm chapel
You'll sleep in her bell tower
And you will simply wake
Abnormally attracted to sin
Abnormally attracted to sin

Impeccable peccadillo
I know who you are
Tales of longing sway
Lost without a verse
Hymns of swing lay low
there by the church
"don't go in if you are
abnormally attracted to sin"
Abnormally attracted to sin

She may be dead to you
Kind of faith that could give
Attracted to sin
To sin
To sin

Gearing up for Winter 2010

2010-01-02T11:06:00.001-08:00

Classes start on Monday! In one sense it feels like I've been on break forever, and in another it feels like it's all starting up again so soon.

My main class will be the continuation of the biology class I took last quarter. This time though, the focus will be on evolution for the first half of the term and plant form and function for the second half of the term. I'm excited for both, though I read somewhere that in the evolution section the students have to memorize phylogenetic trees (basically these charts with branches showing how closely or distantly different species are related based on their rRNA sequences) and that sounds a bit tedious. Still, I'm sure it will be interesting. And I'm psyched for plants, even though last quarter I felt like the chapter on photosynthesis was the one I had the hardest time really committing to memory and understanding. I just think it'll be really fascinating to learn more about how plants, trees, flowers, etc. work. The class will be split between a professor I never had before for the first half, and my professor from last quarter for the second half.

And lab should be really interesting too. I heard from a study partner who took this class last year that the labs are a lot more fun for this quarter of the yearlong class. And I heard from my prof. from last quarter that they are trying some new labs and that sounds like it'll be exciting and fun. I will have my lab assistant again this coming quarter, and a different TA. I'm glad I have it during the week this time around, instead of Saturday afternoons, b/c it meant I could never take off for the weekend or anything, but I did get used to it, and hope I'll get used to having my Wednesday afternoons spent in lab instead.

For anyone who read this post about a course sign-up dilemma that led me to consider taking a singing class, I signed up for it! So I will be taking voice right after Bio lets out, and must say that I'm really looking forward to it. I have wanted to do this for soooo long, and always had trouble finding a way to make it happen, so I am going to soak it up!

At that point I was at 7 credits, and I have to stay at 8 (or under, but not above), so I had one more spot left for a one-credit class, and I decided to take another leap into something I've been wanting to do for awhile - I signed up for a self-defense class. I actually had to go out and find some workout clothes because the only thing I had was from when I was much smaller and definitely no longer fit. It's definitely the class I'm most nervous about. Traditionally, gym classes have been pretty hard for me visually. The human body is an intricate thing and it's just hard for me to see the exact movements that the teacher is modeling, and I'm not too well coordinated or adept at phys ed stuff. It's just not my forte. In fact sometimes in the past taking this kind of class has been downright traumatic and just incredibly difficult and painful.

So I am nervous about it, and trying not to indulge an urge to opt out before I even experience the first class. I'm trying to remind myself that I have taken yoga classes on Orcas, and did gymnastics as a kid and dance lessons in India, so, there is hope. And I've contacted the instructor ahead of time, hoping to find a time to meet and just touch base about my disability. I think it will be a good class, and definitely an important skill to have. I mean I'm a visually-impaired girl walking around downtown in a city by myself a lot. And I like to feel free to do whatever I want, and sometimes that includes going to visit people or places that aren't so close to me and drinking and then coming home on the bus and walking late at night. I mean, I do this anyway, but I would like to feel like I have some skills to protect myself if I ever encounter a scary situation. Especially since I am no longer so into the idea of getting a guide dog.

All in all, I'm looking forward to the new quarter.

Currently Reading:
Day Breaks Over Dharamsala - Janet Thomas - will definitely have more to say about this book as I go along, and as its author begins marketing. It will soon be widely available but for now I think is only at Griffin Bay Books in Friday Harbor, WA, or available directly from the author. So I am going to wait to say more until I can help promote it, because this is a total brilliant masterpiece of real human life.

The Real Grey's Anatomy - Andrew Holtz - I don't know how I happened upon this book, but I guess that is the magic of Powell's Books. This book also isn't out yet, the copyright says 2010 and what I have is a copy that says "Uncorrected Proofs for Limited Distribution/NOT FOR SALE," yet I found it for sale at a discounted price. In the book, the author, a medical journalist, follows the real lives of surgical interns, and has millions of references to lines and scenes from the show, which just tickles me. The coolest part is the surgical interns and residents he follows are here in Portland at OHSU, so it has a local flavor (also cool since Grey's takes place in Seattle, so both have the Pacific Northwest in common). The book doesn't even have a real cover, just a yellow dummy cover. I think it's cool. And it is true that it's uncorrected, I've found errors and I've only read the first few pages so far. This author also wrote a book called The Medical Science Behind House, M.D. but (maybe surprisingly) I haven't read that yet.

Currently Listening:
"Life is Short" - Butterfly Boucher - love this song, from the Pilot episode of Grey's.

When it doesn't rain, it snows
Yeah the cookie crumbles, but in whose hands?
All things said and all things done
Life is short

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Life's too short

Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, Could this be
The day I've waited for?

Another door to peak in through
The floor is filthy but the couch is clean
At the end of the day, it's another day gone
Life is short
Oooh, life is short

Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, could this be
The day I've waited for?

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Oh I am young but I have a past
Travelled far to find the start
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt
But life is short

Oh, oh could this be
Oh, oh could this be
The day I've waited for?

"Nothing Changes, On New Year's Day"

2010-01-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

Okay actually, though I like that U2 lyric and think it's true, I also believe it's not. I just wanted to say that before plunging into my 2009 Year in Review. The numerologist in me believes in the cycle of the personal years. For a brief overview of what that's about by a numerologist I really appreciate, check out Angelwood Consulting because it rocks and gives a brief overview of the years and how to figure out which one you're in. I'm now in the 9 year (the last of the cycle) and have known about this since the last time I was in a 9 year, and it has been remarkably accurate, in a tenuous, not quite tangible way that these sorts of things often are. So I do believe there are shifts with the new year, and I am a big believer in setting intentions, and that doing so can be amplified by these more esoteric forces. So the fact that new year falls on a full moon, blue moon, lunar eclipse, makes it seem especially auspicious for setting clear intentions. I think these energies are worth tuning into.

Also, since we're on the metaphysical subject, if you want to read a really detailed (and in my opinion a bit too verbose - and coming from the queen of long-windedness, that says something) prediction for January with some attention to the rest of the year, check out Susan Miller's AstrologyZone. Her predictions are so in-depth, and the few I've read (or had read to me by friends) for this coming month, are INTENSE! What a transformational time, between two eclipses. So check it out and milk whatever cosmic connections are headed your way.

And I just must say one more thing briefly before going into this survey, which is wtf has happened to the world since NYE? I mean, I thought it was just me, or my street or neighborhood. It's been ridiculously loud at night ever since NYE. I mean at first it was kind of expected, the screaming and the fireworks and all that, but it's still going on (well not the fireworks but the screaming). That and people driving by with really loud music just BLASTING. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it one bit. I lived too long on a quiet island. I love being in the throes of the energy. But something is definitely up. And aside from the noise issue, I haven't been sleeping well at all. Then today (Jan 4), I saw a post from my friend Trish on Bainbridge Island that no one is sleeping there either, and others replied saying they were having the same experience. 2010 is not coming in quietly.

And as for 2009, here goes: (Side note to Samsara/Leo: just because I'm late with my survey doesn't mean you're getting out of it. Start answering.)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Since I spent three months in India, it seems the list to answer this question is endless: left the continent, traveled overseas, had rice beer, traveled with a group of people I'd never met before, hiked in the Himalayas, experienced Holi, had pink hair accidentally, took dance lessons, hung out on Indian rooftops, saw monkeys, experienced the border ceremony between India & Pakistan, rode rickshaws (cycle and auto), rode in vehicles that drive on the left side of the road, went three months without wearing a seatbelt in the craziest driving conditions ever, was bitten by a dog, had my shoes stolen, ate in a rotating restaurant, got a tattoo (in a group) in a foreign country, on impulse in Calcutta no less, ate street food, walked down "gnarly street," went three months without my music, visited monasteries, went on road passes that were 14, and then 18,000+ feet in elevation, went to a rest stop where I was literally peeing on frozen pee (at the pass), had another person (KAREN) ask me to take a picture of her peeing on frozen pee, told my life story in a group, saw someone (BEN) kill a chicken, visited remote villages, rode a toy train which included standing for six hours and at one point during that time sitting on my daypack and falling asleep leaning on a stranger's leg, ate food cooked over cow patties, drank butter tea, used "eastern" toilets, visited hindu temples, sikh temples, mosques, went to Hindi class, drank a bhang lassi (and later told my former college RA who's traveling in India where to get bhang lassis and got her hooked), saw pot growing outside the Taj Mahal, saw the Taj Mahal, and the GOLDEN TEMPLE, went on a jeep trip at 4 in the morning to see a sunrise that didn't really happen, listening to Peacock (or really, Smokey) on the way there, fell asleep on an airport floor and on my pack in a train station, gave away hiking boots for a flute for someone else (WILLA), ate nutella, watched someone run right into a pole (HILARY) during a scavenger hunt in Delhi, had black boogers from so much smog in the more urban parts of India, went to massage class, took Reiki lessons, ate mediterranean food, met Mr. Jordan and Mr. Sikkim, had a driver who people said looked like Snoop Dogg who drove our group through treacherous terrain and weather and was ultra sexy when he drove, saw cows, goats, dogs, cats and lots of other animals just chilling in the street, ate paneer, used a digital camera, was bitten up by leeches!

I'm sure there is so much I'm not even thinking about at the moment. The places and the people of that trip will always hold such a huge piece of my heart. By far the best thing I could have done. It's one of those things that if I had known, really known how hard it would be, I probably wouldn't have gone, so it's a really good thing I didn't know, because I'm so, so glad I went.

Now, there are some other new experiences unrelated to India that I should also include: lived in a friend's basement for two weeks, met a long-time internet friend after knowing for years and not meeting, took out student loans, went to school part time, took biology in a college setting, went to school totally on my own promptings and desires, lived in a studio apartment, had a 4.0 for a term, read every word of assigned reading (that is a big-time first, lol), put together a couch (it came in two boxes as 45 pieces of wood, tools, directions, gloves and a sander, and it was awesome to "build" it), went to a strip club, went to the rodeo, saw yellowstone and mount rushmore and crazy horse and south dakota's black hills (not to mention Wall Drug), took a camping road trip, rode a streetcar, lived in a downtown setting, went out for a drink before class, went a whole term without skipping a single class, watched all of My So-Called Life. And again, I'm sure there are lots more firsts I'm not thinking of at the moment.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really do regular "resolutions" because when I think of those, they're usually restrictive ("I won't eat chocolate," "I'll exercise every day") that are just impossible and no fun to fulfill. Instead I like to think about goals or wishes. So in looking at what I wrote down last year, I stuck to a good percent of it - applying to school and starting this year, getting new glasses (my old ones were a shitpile), and writing Morning Pages (from Artist's Way). I wasn't perfect on that one, but a lot more consistent than in previous years, and was very daily about it for a large portion of my time in India. Another goal I set was to be more in touch with my spirituality, which still feels lacking, but I felt in touch in India, and at other times throughout the year. As for the wishes, one was for clarity and ease in transitioning to school and moving, and I think that's been good, one was for romance (always) which was completely 100% non-existent for me in 2009. The other wish I made was I guess somewhat fulfilled.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one really close, but my friend and roommate Jeri from the NFB convention is due soon, I believe.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Knock on wood. It really, really freaks me out that I've been spared in terms of having people close to me die. Other than my grandmother, it's just something I haven't dealt with much, not for me personally anyway, and it always makes me feel like at any moment that is going to change, like all this time going without experiencing that kind of loss is going to build up so the universe can deliver some huge wollops. Either that or I'll die young or something. Yeah, it scares me.

5. What countries did you visit?
India and the Hong Kong airport.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Romance (always). A hot lover. A part-time job I love. Oh and a different apartment where I can actually control the heat and don't feel like I'm living in a fucking sauna and wasting energy by the bucketful by keeping my windows open (I'd suffocate if I didn't) and don't wake up feeling like all the water has been leeched from my body. (Aside from that, I'm really happy with my place). Yeah I definitely want to move when my lease is up. My location is AWESOME but my rent price is too high and my place is too small, but the heat thing is what gets me more than those other issues, big time.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
In random order:
Feb 12th - flight to India.
May 7th - return from India.
Sept 26th - signed my lease & saw Pearl Jam.
August 7-9 - Lollapalooza.
Sept 28 - school began.
Dec 7 - school ended (well, the day of my final).
Aug 25 - a nice walk in a park w/a friend.
Sept 23 - the day I left Orcas.
July 2-9 - NFB convention in Detroit.
July 4 - my roommate at the convention (who was also pregnant) had a major diabetic emergency and I went w/her to the hospital (she and the baby were fine, thank god, but it was very scary - at first the paramedics couldn't get her to respond at all and the way they were talking I thought I might actually watch someone die - second time in my life I've had that fear - it was at a point where, "either this is going to work or nothing will - so fucking scary). After we got back we had to switch rooms b/c they had such trouble putting in her IV that there was blood and needles all over the floor.
Dec 21-24 - stayed at my old favorite home, the dispensary at Camp Orkila, walked my old beaches, stayed in my old room and for three days felt reconnected to a very happy time in my memory.
June 19 - last day of work at Camp Orkila kitchen for good.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving India, rocking biology. Making the decision to go to school even after obstacles arose and other opportunities seduced me into having such serious second thoughts that I really thought I would put it off for another year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not speaking up for myself, not being real with people out of fear, keeping secrets and hiding and running away from anything of intensity (and a few things that were just awkward) out of fear. I really want to change these things about myself. I drive myself fucking crazy, I swear. Not writing memoir.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Anything bad?
No. Knock on wood again for this one, I was remarkably healthy this year, which is surprising considering I spent a part of it in a third world country where lots of people get sick. My only real complaint was constipation, and getting bitten by a dog.

11. What were the best things you bought?
I'm going to mimic Tara's answer (I copied this survey from her) and say, does my tuition count? Also, plane ticket to India, for sure. And my couch. Also, a desk! I bought it very synchronistically from a friend from Orcas who's also living in Portland. I was in desperate need of a desk for school and when I went to her house for dinner, found she was really trying to get rid of one and having no luck on Craigslist. I love when life works out like that. Some cool clothes, including some dresses (which will make some people reading this fall over with shock, I'm sure). Some AWESOME lamps. Oh and Grey's Season 5 DVD - I freaking LOVED season 5. And lots of great books.

But probably the thing that has made the biggest impact (and wow I'm a dork), is a dock for my iPod for my bathroom. It's so small, the sound isn't great, but it has made such an impact on my daily life. I feel so much happier while getting ready for the day and sometimes I sit in the bath, reading and listening to music and thinking that life is almost momentarily perfect.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Stealing from Tara again: I feel like I say the same thing every year, but my friends are always doing such amazing things and making such amazing strides, I can't help but celebrate them. More specifically (this is me now): Willa and Maryam for sticking through tough situations at their job or program through to the end and making sure to get something better once their situations were over, all my study group people for being awesome and making studying for biology even more fun with their humor, funny stories, great minds, disgusting medical stories and references to The Office, Mandy my lab assistant, Clarkie for livin' the dream, Edie for taking all the necessary steps to venture out there and make the world a better place at the same time. Janet, for not only writing a brilliant, heartfelt, ironic, wise, deep, activist, fierce, loving memoir, but also for really respecting the writing and the book in a way that I admire in her path to making it complete and published. Linda for writing the crap out of her new novel PURE, which to me feels important and precise and masterful.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people.

14. Where did most of your money go?
OMG rent ($$$!) and tuition ($$$!) and cell phone and other bills and my textbook, bus pass, etc. And the India trip (though I barely spent anything while there).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
INDIA, going to school, Portland.

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2009?
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A. (and it's playing right now!), whatever that "clouds above" song is that Willa and Graham were always playing in India, Joshua Radin, and I'm sure tehre's more but it's hard to really know until time has passed, and you hear a song and it gives you that nostalgia feeling.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Probably happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! For sure! Going from working, even if it wasn't quite year-round, to taking out student loans, well, the math is pretty simple.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, blogging, flirting, reading, playing my (digital) piano, being in nature, being more authentic. Mostly writing.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hedging, letting fear paralyze me, suppressing how I really feel, trying to please everyone else at my own expense, watching TV to avoid things.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Friday Harbor with Janet and a great group of her neighbors and friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.

22. How many one-night stands?
None

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, House and The Office. This summer was torture on all three fronts. Oh and My So-Called Life was so great to watch all the way through - what a smart, real and in a lot of ways brave show. I also found this old show from a few years ago that only lasted one season called Medical Investigations, which is all right, though I must say that House makes a MUCH better genius asshole than MI's main character and makes a much more likable character.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Kind of. Not really hate though, just pissy.

26. What was the best book you read?
Snow Falling on Cedars - so, so good, and about a fictional place that in reality is so close to where I called home. Wuthering Heights was surprisingly great to finally read. Oh, and someone from my study group recommended a book called What I Learned in Medical School, which is a collection of personal memoir essays from non-traditional medical students (single moms, refugees, a descendent of holocaust survivors, students with Tourette's, sickle-cell anemia, OCD, etc). It was a perfect mixture of things I like to read about - the real life stories of real people, medical stuff, and had a huge social justice element. On Friday I'm passing it on to my blind naturopathic physician friend. I devoured that book and read the first half on my recent train to Seattle on my way to Orcas. I have just started a book that I know will make this list for 2010 - Day Breaks Over Dharamsala by Janet Thomas.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am disgustingly hooked on the Grey's soundtracks. Some favorites include Joshua Radin, Butterfly Boucher, Kendall Payne, Rilo Kiley, Psapp, Regina Spektor, Jem, Snow Patrol. Also want to include the songs that my friend Kelly's daughter got me hooked on during our cross country camping travels by Rise Against and The Darkness. Also, this is so NOT new b/c I've loved Tori since just after Christmas 2002, but I really LOVE her new albums Abnormally Attracted to Sin (and freaking love that title) and Midwinter Graces (love that title too, makes me think of Mists of Avalon).

28. What did you want and get?
Again, stealing Tara's answer because it's true: A sense of purpose and intellectual fulfillment. I guess the former I sort of had, but the latter was sorely lacking. (Okay, me again): A decent living situation very close to campus, the excitement and anonymity and pulse of living in Portland, a visit to the ocean, a stay in the dispensary.

29. What did you want and not get?
Boys. A guide dog (though I am honestly still really on the fence on whether or not I want one).

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Slumdog Millionaire, Where the Wild Things Are (just saw it two nights ago).

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28 (in fact, about two weeks ago, someone said to me for the first time, "You're pushing thirty." Aaaah!) I was here in Portland, visiting schools, and spent my birthday evening with Kelly and Elynn at the Sapphire Hotel and it had all this cool lighting and we had to use little flashlights to see the menu and ate some kind of dish with squash in it which made the whole thing just about perfect. Kelly & family gave me a pretty funny card that somehow ended up in my tarot bag and came with me to India, and when I needed a connection to my world back home, I would pull it out. Overall, it was a very cool birthday and not too out of control. Will have to get crazier for 29 :) which is barely a month away (again, aaaaah!). I'm gettin' old.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More courage.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
"If it's not colorful and artistic and pleasing to my own unique sense of aesthetics and expressive and also really hot, I'm not interested." I wore a lot of purple, pink, red and green and a lot of outfits that would inspire comments like House's towards Cuddy. You know, I've gained weight, in interesting proportions and as a friend of mine says when you have bigger boobs there are really only two options, dress real frumpy to cover yourself or show it off, and I vote for the latter so my attire borders on the "come fuck me" side of things. I jokingly told a friend yesterday that my goal is to be a hardcore science nerd who dresses like a tramp, lol. I'm exaggerating of course, but still. Just doing my part to debunk the whole notion that girls are either smart or sexy and not both.

34. What kept you sane?
Good friends, music, long baths in my awesomely deep tub in my new apartment, good books, having a few days to be in the dispensary, on the Orkila beach and in the woods. Nature plays a big part in keeping me sane, if sanity is really what this is. It disturbs me a little that that always seems to be a question.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I always have a thing for Maynard, and always have the hots for Derrick Jensen's writing, so those two always have a place in my answer. Oh and I wanted to take reeeeally inappropriate pictures with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Obama at an inauguration party on Orcas last January, LOL just because it would be so wrong. Mostly instead of celebrities I just lust after fictional characters, like Alex from Grey's.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Universal health care.

37. Who did you miss?
It would be a much shorter list to ask who I don't miss. So many of my friends are long-distance. Special shout out to Tracy, Leo, Caren, my India peeps, Maryam, Clarkie, Edie, Claire, Forest, Elynn, all the people I didn't get to see on my recent trip to Orcas, and many, many, many more.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My study group - Alicia, Ryan & Scott. My India group - Hilary, Willa, Desmond, Nina, Ben, Andrew, Karen, Graham. Though not exactly "new" in terms of knowing a person, meeting Aaron was very awesome. Also have to include Katie O, Donna and Gaza - probably the coolest people I met at Orkila this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Doing what scares the fucking daylights out of you is one of the most valuable things you can do, and it is a LOT easier said or contemplated than done. Also, it is good to keep the wild part of you alive and well, the reckless childlike part that wants to run across the streets or roll down hills or have pillow fights - it's good to indulge that sometimes, keep yourself young and vital and alive the way children are - passionately, intensely, vibrantly and full of awe.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Gotta go with this one, this song was in my head so much during my trip.
"I have ended up in India, ohhhh
With no map to guide me home'
The strangest place I think I've ever been."
~Kendall Payne, from "Scratch"

Currently Listening:
"Always in My Head" - Psapp - I must say I have no idea what this song is supposed to be about, has almost a disjointed, almost psychedelic but in a subdued way sort of feel.

One step just behind me
One stretches out ahead
Some walk just beside me
Some already dead

I fumble with time, keep walking
Just beside me
I want to watch the tread
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

Pace that quickens now to breaking point
I sprint across and here we are
I'm running up ahead and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

So step just behind me
You're stretching out ahead
We walk just beside and
We're already dead
I'm dancing in the light and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

New Year, New Blog Look, New Blog Address for 2010

2010-01-01T17:07:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling the urge to overhaul this place for awhile now, so familiar readers will notice a completely different look, and lots of updates. For the first time since 2007, I put some new pictures on here, updated my profile, started a section where I can post any writing credits and updated my writing resume (which was about two years overdue).

So, I hope you enjoy!

I hope to be blogging more in 2010. It's funny, I was looking at my old stats, and it seems I've increased by 5 posts a year, steadily, since I started this blog in the summer of 2007. I'll see if I can really amp that up in 2010! I'd love to get on some sort of weekly schedule.

I also changed my URL - I just felt funny about having my full real name on there. It made me feel like I didn't really have any privacy, and of course a blog isn't really private, but still, changing it up a little makes me feel a little freer to post more candidly. And that's important to me. So, the new address is http://chrysanthymum.blogspot.com. The Chrysanthemum part comes from my India trip - Willa Rose named me Chrysanthemum and I loved it. It's probably a good thing I didn't go with my other India nickname (sex pot)!

So Chrysanthymum it is for now.

Also, in light of the new year, I don't exactly believe in resolutions, which are usually all about self-restraint, but I totally believe in goal setting and intention setting, I'm kind of hooked on it, you might even say. And along with writing, blogging more and kicking ass in school, I want to set an intention to be more honest and authentic. For anyone who watches The Office, think Pam in "Cocktails" from Season 3 (love that episode).

Authenticity can be an issue for me in blogging. I have no idea who does or doesn't read this, and because of that I can tend to tread too lightly for my own likely, and it's my freakin' blog, so it matters if I like it.

So, I feel I should issue a bit of a warning to the feint of heart: I'm going to tread less lightly. If you are offended by sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, cursing, atheism, political thought on the left side of liberal, metaphysics, you might want to avert your eyes! I would rather be real, even if people don't like it, than to sit here, not blogging b/c I'm so worried what this or that person will think of me. It's no way to live, so, yeah, I'm going to try less knee-jerk self-censorship. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Currently Listening:
"Elepant" - Damien Rice - Listening to 9 Crimes - such a great album. LOVE his voice in this song, holy shit.

This has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down
Someone else on top

You can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why d'you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
It's easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
And do you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I'm lately horny
So why would she take me thorny?

What's the point of this song?
Or even singing?
You've already gone
Why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it on, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie

Killing Time Waiting for my Final

2009-12-07T22:14:00.000-08:00

And my brain is full, I don't think there is any point in trying to stuff in any more details about biology. Anyway we had a practice final and I got 78 out of 80, so I'm probably fine, I hope.

So, today is the last day of my first term. Overall, it's been really good. Really loving the biology class, and my lab group started studying together. That's been great! We're all contributing, splitting up tasks like writing up vocabulary, going through practice tests, teaching each other things the others don't get so well. I know it has been a huge benefit on both ends. It's great to have people to clarify things you don't quite get, and it's also very helpful to teach something to someone else. I feel like my knowledge of how to solve genetics problems really solidified when I wrote it out to show another girl in my group. And studying with these guys is fun! Our ages range from 22 to 39 and a lot of times we take our study sessions to the bar, or go grab a beer before class or after a test. It's been really fun, and it's kinda cool to have people to talk with about this stuff b/c most people I know aren't really into biology.

Apparently our study group is pretty effective, we kind of have a study group stalker (this guy who really, really wants to be in our study group next term, which is fine as long as there is some contribution).

It's been a LOT of information though! In these 9 weeks we covered the very basics of evolution, basic biological chemistry (mostly involving carbon and water), proteins, DNA & RNA, lipids, the cell and alllll its components, cell communication and signaling, aerobic respiration, photosynthesis, cell division, cell division in gametes, genetics, DNA replication, how genes work, transcription and translation, gene expression in bacteria, gene expression in eukaryotes, genetic engineering, genomics, bacteria, and viruses.

It's like holy shit that's a lot of material! And a lot of it is pretty detailed. I am enjoying the challenge, and learning a LOT. One of the things I love is that our book is very well illustrated. The artist who drew them has a Ph.D in biology and really tried to draw things as they really look. I am learning that I am a very visual learner. Whenever we're going over something in study group, I'm always, "Oh yeah, it's that picture with the purple enzyme..." The enzymes are definitely the coolest looking things in the book. My favorites so far are phophofructokinase (plus that name is so cool), the spliceosome and the basil transcription complex. A lot of the enzymes look like these blobby monsters. They're kind of adorable (or "cute" as I'm told is the "in" word here in Portland).

One of my favorite things is called dideoxy sequencing, which is just a really, really cool and innovative way to determine the sequences of smaller stretches of DNA. The guy who thought that up, Sanger, just had to be soooo fucking brilliant to put that together and that sort of genius just kind of turns me on, lol. I am hot for dideoxy sequencing (although actually doing it now is not quite as cool as the original way, and probably really doing that kind of sequencing would be tedious and boring, I just think the invention is sooooo cool).

It's also really interesting to have a working knowledge of what genetic engineering is and how it's done. I'm sure what is in our book is very cursory, but still I know a lot more now, about things and concepts that are sort of tossed about a lot and how they are done. Our book brings up some ethical concerns about it, but what I thought was cool was that our prof really went into a lot more of that, including things I had never thought about and lots of things I had. In fact there is a class next term called Genes and Society which is all about the ethics of genetic stuff, by this woman who's gone all over the world studying the effects of genetic engineering. I really wish I could take it but I am half time so I can't or it will put me over my financial aid bracket which would be no good at all. I might see if it's going to be offered again next year, and if not maybe I will see if I can sit in. Gotta say, a lot of this stuff is soooo fascinating! In our study group, I was the one who wrote up the genetic engineering chapter so feel very familiar with it (I also had the sex/cell division in gametes chapter, lol).

All right, well just stopping by b/c it's been awhile. I think I am actually going to go review viruses one more time, eat some dinner and then head over to the classroom. Almost wish the test was earlier in the day, feeling pretty antsy just sitting here killing time.

Currently listening:
"500 Miles" - Tori Amos - really getting into this album (abnormally attracted to sin, and must say I love that title), and this is probably my favorite so far. I'm just digging it, loving the lyrics, singing it all the time. I am definitely on yet another Tori kick.

He walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring me bread
His body like a sculpture
almost decorated

And I’ll wake him as the dawn does
and we’re breaking on the bus
saying this was made for us
and now

In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will we break even break

step it up
grab your phone, get your suitcase
there’s no time to waste
a big adventure awaits

Sad news
France suffered a late snow
The blooms break through the ice
And San Francisco,
Her guitar man finally confessed
He loved that actress
With hearts touched by frost
We fought in the land of a midnight sun
I lost myself
I lost myself

I walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring him bread
In love some gifts are simple
Others I underrated

So I wake him as the dawn does
and we’ll face what any lovers must
blueness pales within a flame’s lust

In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, even break
will we break, even break
Break, even break
Don’t slide, don’t weep
my life even
break

Okay, this is NUTS - right as I was about to hit post, the power in my building went out. I had to forgo the rereading of notes and get ready in complete darkness! The hardest part was finding my glasses in the dark, lol, and then I also had to find my scantron form. On my way out my apt manager told me I shouldn't leave (our door has this electrical key thing to open) b/c she was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back in, but I was like sorry lady gotta take my exam. So I did, and it went well. It was pretty straightforward. No real hard thinking/puzzling through questions like usual. Just straight up do you know your shit. Hopefully I did.

I Just Had the Coolest Afternoon!

2009-11-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

Wow.

Okay, I just had an awesome afternoon. Today I met with a woman who works as a naturopathic physician who is totally blind. I mean, WOW. Totally inspiring. It's one of those times that reminds me that my visual impairment is NOT an excuse to not do things! I mean this woman is a doctor! She went through classes like gross anatomy and diagnostic imaging with no eyesight at all. How amazing is that?!?! It makes me feel like, yes, I can do science stuff, and there are all kinds of alternative techniques to do visually-intense things, in school and in life.

She also invited me to a group of blind and visually-impaired knitters and I'm going to do it. I'm good with my hands, and that is something that I've always felt that if I were taught how to do, I could really do by feel. So I am going to go get my knit on and be a stitchin' bitch! It'll be really nice to get connected with the visually-impaired community too. I'm psyched about that!

I came away from that appointment feeling really fired up and inspired. I also felt SO affirmed in my decision to attend school rather than that program in CO. She had some insight about that and the organization that totally backed up the feelings I was getting about things. I still want to make a post about that someday, about groups and organizations and their "central dogma" to use a bio term, but feel I need to really carefully consider my words b/c I am worried about the response. Anyway I felt like I learned SO much from her today about what I can do to succeed in science classes. She keyed me in to some really great strategies and techniques, and she's local so I feel like she's someone I could talk to if anything came up. WOW.

Not to mention, if I haven't already that there is a visually-impaired chemistry prof. at my school, who just happens to be the brother in law of a good friend of mine from Orcas. He helped me move in even! So I just have to say, it's yet another thing that makes me feel like I am SO GLAD I am here. I feel like Portland is just teeming with resources. And I was kind of in a funk, so this inspiring afternoon was just what the doctor ordered! It really is good to remember that whatever I choose to do in life, the eyesight is not a good enough excuse not to. I mean hell now they have blind people working for NASA, and there is a woman in WA who is working hard to be an FBI investigator even though she is blind. So it's like, fuck yeah!

The coolest part was, this was a chance meeting in a way. One of the presenters for my one-credit class a few weeks ago said something that made me want to ask her a follow-up question. The class is huge, so I waited at the end of the line to talk to her and when we met, she asked me about my eyesight and I said yeah I am visually-impaired, and she said, "Oh I have to connect you with this person I know, she's brilliant..." and so she called me a few hours later with this woman's contact info, and we talked and decided to meet this afternoon. It was just awesome! This seems to be the place of chance encounters, let me tell you. There is a crazy story about how a girl who used to live on Orcas randomly met the director of the company that put on my India program, and they bonded over the fact that they both knew me, and then there were some other WILD coincidences with that. Just makes me feel like I am in the right place!

Okay well, I have to get ready for class. We have our second exam on Monday, on much harder material but still I am going to fucking ROCK IT!

Currently Listening:
"Someone Else's Life" - Joshua Radin - I still don't know what to think of this guy. It's like I can't tell if he's really emotionally sincere, or a real tool. I mean, I like him a lot but I do get a feeling that something is lacking somehow, some element of rawness or depth or intensity or something. Still, I like. A lot. And he worked with Tori, a major point in his favor in my book!

Somehow
I'm leading someone else's life
I cut a star down with my knife

And right now
I still see the way the moon
Plays this tune
Though our lights died.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

And somehow
I'll make tonight our own
I'll show you every way I've grown
Since I met you

And right now
I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along
If you let me.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

If you let me,
I'll show the world to you.
Yes, if you let me,
I'll know just what to do.

Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.

When I'm lost
In your eyes
I see a way for me

Class Sign-Up Predicament (A Blessing in Disguise?)

2009-11-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

So I have a bit of a predicament for signing up for classes.

I have to take between 6-8 credit hours each term this year. If I take less than six, I don't get financial aid. If I take more than eight, then it's more than half-time, and I simply can't afford it even with the financial aid. Also if I take eight or less all year, then next year I can be considered an Oregon resident for the rest of my schooling, which will make all the difference in the world. I will seriously be paying less going full-time next year as a state resident, than I am this year at half-time. By a pretty significant amount!

So pretty straightforward, right? 6-8 credits shouldn't be too hard to manage. Most classes are 4, so it should be easy.

Except that the Biology class I'm taking is a 5-credit class b/c it includes the lab. So that alone is not enough, and if I add any regular class, that puts me at 9 and I'm over my limit. So what it basically means I have to do is take some more unusual classes.

This quarter it was fine, there was an easy 1-credit class to add, kind of a career exploration class for science people. We see presentations every week, and have to turn in assignments answering questions based on the presentation and have a final essay to write at the end. It's just pass/fail, no real grade, but I am loving the class, and the assignments are pretty easy, just some self-reflection basically.

It's funny, I took a similar class in the physics department when I was in school before, and it was a lot easier, there were no assignments, no final essay, all you really had to do was show up. And at that time, it really turned me off to physics, because other than teaching, all the careers we heard about were related to defense. And anyone who knows me knows that there is absolutely no way I would EVER do that. So that class was a real bummer even though it was a lot less work. I'm glad I'm liking my current class a lot better!

But the point is, there are no classes like that next term. There are still some cool options, though they took some digging in the class schedule to find. There's a handful of PE classes I might be interested in - self-defense, swimming, yoga, belly dancing - as well as some potential music classes - voice, piano, guitar - aimed for beginners who are not music majors, like myself. I am really thinking about signing up for voice for next term.

I have wanted voice lessons my whole life so bad. As a kid, anytime I asked, my mom said I didn't have enough natural talent, which just crushed me every time. I remember the summer before my junior year of high school, I was writing a lot of poems and songs, and I kind of strategized all summer, preparing my case to ask again. There was a program for music lessons for visually-impaired people that made lessons super affordable, and I could cover the rest out of allowance. I thought that might help my case. And then after the second day back in school I finally worked up the courage to ask again, and got the same response. It was the perfect start to probably the worst year with some of my darkest days. I never asked again, and though I always thought about signing up for something like that in college, I never had the guts b/c I knew what kind of response I would get from my family. It's like, how many times are you going to let someone punch you in the face? So I never went near that topic again. As an adult I could never really afford it, though I never really stopped thinking about it, through the years. When I was in India, there were a few times where it really came to me how much I wanted to be musical, and how I've sort of given up, and how I don't want to give up b/c it means too much to me. I promised myself I would look into it upon my return to the US.

So now, the opportunity is there, it would be part of my tuition, and it fits my schedule (could go to that right after bio class) and the prof gets good reviews. It's a little scary b/c it's been so emotionally loaded a topic for me, and I've felt a lot of hurt around the topic. I think if I take a class like that, it's going to stir some stuff, shake me up some. Maybe that's a good thing. It feels like it could open up a can of worms of feelings that have been kinda stuck and lodged inside. Maybe the possibility of not shaking stuff up is a lot worse. I think when you grow up in a situation that feels oppressive and gives you certain beliefs about yourself, it is all too easy as you get older, to take over the oppression yourself and keep holding onto those beliefs. I don't want to live like that. I know I don't have any kind of stunning voice, but still I think I am okay, and if I take the class, it can only get better, right? I love to sing and I want to do it better, better express myself through music.

So I think I'm going to sign up for the class for winter quarter. It scares me, a lot, but sometimes those are the things that are really worth doing. And then in spring I might take the piano class. Sometimes, even (or especially) in school, you just have to follow your heart.

I never would have found this class if I wasn't in the predicament of needing to dig to find classes that are 1-3 credits, so even though at first I was like fuck, how am I going to stay within my credit range, I think it definitely turned out to be a blessing in disguise!

Currently Listening:
"The Good Left Undone" - Rise Against (who I saw at Lolla). Okay I must say that I completely misunderstood the chorus of this song the first time I heard it. I thought he was saying, "All because of you/I haven't slept in so long/When I do I dream/Of running in the ocean/reaching for the shore/Where I can let my hair down/I forgot your voice..." Not so terribly terribly off, but, definitely different.

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....

So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...

Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

All because of you.
All because of you.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Survived My First Exam

2009-10-21T21:27:00.001-07:00

I had my first exam today. I was nervous, but I had studied hard for it. It went really well! If anything I was overprepared. I really took the time to make sure I understood everything. There were a few things I was struggling with and I looked them up online or later in my textbook b/c I didn't want to get tripped up.

The exam covered a lot of material, especially the last chapter of the book that was on the test, which was an overview of all the parts of the cell, and was by far the longest chapter we'd covered, and was really dense, chock full of parts and processes and terms and tons of information that was different than the previous material (we basically went from some basic biochemistry stuff, building blocks, lots and lots of chemistry, to cell biology and there were just so many processes to understand).

And really, when I sat down to take it, it was easy. I didn't have to know half of what I had roaming in my brain from the material. I could have gotten away with studying a lot less, but hey, now I really understand some shit that will probably come back later on, so it's all good.

There were a few questions that were a bit tricky, maybe three out of the fifty, that I'm not totally sure I got right, but overall it was a lot easier than I expected.

I have to say I am feeling pretty good. I am not in the concurrent chemistry class that most people are taking, b/c I can't afford to, and even so they are thinking of making the chemistry class a prerequisite for our class, so I was worried about not having that background, but hey, I'm doing fine.

And best of all, I'm enjoying it! I really enjoy the prof. She gives sooo many relatable examples. I always used to think of myself as a physics person when it came to science, and it's like, oh shit, this is way more interesting and feels more, just relatable I guess, more earthly. I am loving it. My prof is funny and always throws jokes in and the only downside is she talks really fast so it can be hard to catch things, but all the notes are on blackboard, so it works out. Today's lecture (after the exame was over) involved erections, LOL. And viagra! But that is exactly what I mean, it's easy to pay attention and stay engaged in the class when you use examples like that. She mentioned tonight that she will be teaching the winter term of the class (up until now, it seemed to be up in the air), so I'm psyched to be able to continue with her as my prof.

I do sometimes wish class wasn't so huge. We have almost 300 people (a lot more of them were there today, since it was test day), so it is a bit hard to get to know people, except the ones in my lab group. I mean the class is just huge. I am taking another one-credit class (needed that to get financial aid) and that ended up being really huge too.

Gotta say, it is so nice to be in school as an adult. I am thrilled to be at PSU, b/c there are tons of other adult students, I am nowhere near oldest in my class, and that is nice. It makes me glad I made the decision for this school. And as I've said before, there are other disabled students (a few others in my class even). It's just nice to feel like I'm not outside of the student body. It also helps that my class is a night class. But yeah, it's great to be in such a different situation as last time I was in school. It's nice that I can come home to my studio apartment, that there isn't the whole feel of college being a big extension of high school with all its social bullshit. It just has a totally different feel to it this time around.

Last weekend in lab (yes I have a lab on the weekend, Saturday afternoon actually), we looked at e. coli and baker's yeast and some other things under the microscope, looked at some pond creatures and fossils as well. It kinda freaked me out, I've had bad experiences with lab classes before, and always kind of dread the microscope because of it, but it went well. I have my lab assistant now, which is a help, but I also did a lot of it myself. She's there to help if I need it, show me things that the TA is demonstrating in the front of the class, stuff like that. And she gets paid by the school. It is a pretty cool system.

Anyway I'm off for a good night's rest so that I can get up and do homework for my one-credit class and my lab, and make sure I don't fall behind on reading for the next test.

Life is good.

Student Life

2009-10-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

Some general observations:

Things have changed A LOT since the last time I was in school, which was only seven years ago! I had to learn how to use Blackboard (online class program thing) for all my classes. It has its own separate email for each class, as well as discussion boards, review material, lecture notes, posted grades and assignments (some of which are completed solely via the web). Also, for my first lab class we had to make charts and graphs on Excel, which I've never used (luckily one of my lab partners is proficient).

It's not only the technology, but the material. Back when I was in high school, we had to memorize these classification groups for biology, you know, Kingdom, Phyllum, Order...all the way to Species. It turns out that is a bit outdated. Now they are mapping species similarity using genetics and it turns out that fungi are more similar in genetic makeup to humans and animals than they are to plants or algae. The mapping ends up looking like a tree-ish sort of thing.

I am really, really glad I chose school over the Denver Center. My mind feels engaged for the first time in ages, in real challenging material. I haven't taken bio or chem (and there is a lot of chemistry involved in this first term of bio) since I was in my first two years of high school. I remember parts of it from back then, which helps (and chem hasn't changed), so it's stirring up old knowledge but really expanding it. And we are covering material FAST. This is the start of my third week, and we're already on chapter seven of a huge book, and having our first exam next week. So it's been a lot of material, and challenging material, but I feel like I am keeping up.

And! I have learned some cool things:
My friend loves this one: In the human liver there are two enzymes that break down alcohol, one that does it fast and one that takes more time. Some people don't have the faster one, so their bodies have a harder time handling drinking, and the person gets super flushed (and pretty drunk) like immediately and just in general can't handle much of anything to drink. So if you are ever in need of an excuse to not drink and feeling peer pressure, you can blame it on your enzymes (or lack thereof).

Red blood cells look like donuts with a dimple instead of a hole.

I don't know if other things I've learned will interest anyone (and are a bit complex), but I've also learned about how snake venom works, how detergent (as in laundry soap) works, the basic gist of what causes mad cow disease, and lots of other fun things. Now when I get out of the shower, I think about Hydrogen bonds (water adheres to the body via H bonds, hair is more malleable and less stiff, also due to H bonds). I have to say, it's early, only had five lecture classes so far, but I am loving it. And I really like my prof. She brings in these really practical examples of the processes we're learning about and she takes time to answer questions in class and discuss things, while still moving through the material quickly.

And I feel like I'm keeping up. I'm staying on top of the reading (which is a LOT), getting practice questions right at the ends of chapters, getting questions in class right (it's a huge lecture, almost 300 students, and so we have multiple choice questions in class and we have to hold up our answers, it's not for grading, more for us to check ourselves and how well we're following). The upcoming exam feels intimidating, but I think I'll do well. I'm expecting a lot out of myself, hopefully not unrealistically. I definitely expect straight A's.

Lab is a bit more challenging, mostly for me visually but I should be getting an assistant soon. The first week we played with plant pigments from red cabbage (which luckily had already been distilled and all, so there was no smell), and this past week we extracted our DNA and put it through the same process as you would to do a PCR test (which is what is used for crime scene investigation, paternity testing, testing for genetic conditions, etc) and also got to really visualize and play with the rules of protein folding by playing with big foam noodles!

I am only taking six credits - that was the perfect balance where I could still get financial aid and enroll, and have enough aid/student loans left over to cover living expenses in case it takes me a bit to find a job (apparently the job market here in Portland really blows) - but it certainly feels like a full load of classes. There is a lot of reading for lab which is separate from the reading for lecture and we have quizzes every week (pretty sure I aced the first one, if anything I was overprepared). And then I have a one-credit class on Fridays that requires a lot of thoughtful, written responses, even though it's only one-credit and is pass/fail only.

So yeah, school is great!

For my Orcas peeps - hate to say this but I'm not coming up for Women's Wellness Weekend. I have my one-credit class on Fri, my lab on Sat, and assignments due for both that weekend, and my second exam is the day after the weekend ends, soooo not this time. Hopefully my schedule will be different next term and I can make it for the Spring one and read the shit out of some tarot cards for all the ladies! This time around though, school's gotta come first. It looks different, being older, and paying for school myself, and I feel committed to making it my first priority.

Anyway that's the quick update about classes. Still loving my place and my location, so happy I chose PSU as my school, and really scored on apartment location. My friend Holly is visiting, which has been really nice to have a friend around. We've done some shopping and arranging for my new studio apartment and exploring some of the local places to eat and areas of Portland. It's been fun and after she leaves tomorrow I will have to buckle down for some hard core studying for next week's exam.

Going to a few more upcoming shows too - Ani DiFranco, who I've always wanted to see, and the week after that, Joshua Radin, who I've posted here before. I can't decide if he's a real genuine songwriter, or kind of a tool, LOL, but maybe the live show will help me figure that out. Can't believe I'm actually going to see someone live who I discovered via Grey's Anatomy. What is this world coming to??

Albinism Special on 20/20 Tomorrow (Friday)

2009-10-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Well I've been a bit out of the loop - heard about this awhile ago but didn't know it was coming up until a friend forwarded me an email. Here it is:

UPDATE: 20/20 Special: Overcoming Social Stigma of Albinism
Scheduled to air Friday, October 2nd at 10pm Eastern/9pm Central

Albinism
ABC News has added web articles and video clips to its site promoting the planned hour-long albinism special, scheduled to air on 20/20 this Friday evening. Visit the 20/20site for the latest information.

In support of tomorrow's 20/20 broadcast about albinism, NOAH invites members to contact their local ABC news station to offer to do an interview on the topics of living with albinism and/or living with a child with albinism to bring greater awareness to albinism in your community.

Here is the NOAH site: www.albinism.org.

I don't have TV and it probably won't be surfacing where I usually get my TV shows, so would be curious to hear what others think - I know I have at least a handful of readers who also have albinism. There really are some social stigmas that go aong with albinism - about the eyesight and the paleness. I personally a very glad that NOAH exists. I remember going to conferences when I was a kid, and feeling like those times, along with going to blind camp, were the only times I didn't feel like a complete outcast freak. So, I am glad the condition is getting some more positive exposure. I hope this show will also help clear up some common misconceptions that can still be prevalent.

I encourage everyone who can to watch!

On a side note, when I first got the email about this, I wasn't thinking of the show 20/20 and was just thinking eyesight, lol.

I'll be doing my own part, in a personal revolution sort of way (though a really subtle one) to overcome some stigma (more about visual impairment in general I guess) by starting to maybe take on something. And no, you don't get to know what it is, not unless or until it develops further. Cryptic enough?

Anyway, watch the show!

Currently Listening:
"No Surprises" - Radiohead - it's been in my head since the House premiere. I'm not hugely into Radiohead, and this song has kind of caught me off guard.

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.

You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.

I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silence, silence.

This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.

No alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises, please.

The Big Move

2009-09-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

So, the last week or two was like a whirlwind, but I am here, live, writing to you from my campus computer lab. Should get internet hooked up at home tomorrow.

Speaking of home, I moved into my new apartment on Saturday and it is cool. It is small, definitely smaller than my apartment on Orcas (and way more expensive), but it will totally work. I am on the top floor, which means it's pretty warm, but I can leave my windows open without worry, and there's a fan, and I never have to hear anyone else's noise, just inflict mine on others, lol.

The kitchen is a closet literally, it folds out and there is a lot of shelf room, and the fridge is a mini and the oven looks like it was built for a midget, but I'm going to make it work for me. I am such a natural nester that I've already set it up and organized things. I have TONS of closet space. As one of the people who helpmed move me in siad, I have more closets in my apartment than he does in his house! So that is helping with organization and all that. And one of the closets has a full length mirror on the door! That is cool.

Aside from that, it's a cool place. The building is pretty old, the elevator is literally the same kind they have in India - very old, which made moving in kinda interesting. It is nice to have a new home though, and to not have to worry about sharing with a stranger. I am loving setting it up and have almost everything unpacked already. My friend HOlly is visiting in a few days and she will help me decorate and set up more. I have to say, I am really, really psyched about my place.

Also the location is AWESOME. I am so close to campus that my building is within the campus map. It's two blocks from where I will have my lab class. I'm within walking distance of Powell's bookstore, about a block from the main Portland library, close to the farmer's market (which is actually on campus) and feel really centrally located. It is definitely downtown living, very different from Orcas life. The noise outside never stops, but I can sleep through anything, so it's cool. The best part is that even though I am down town I actually have a great tree-filled view! That just makes my heart happy.

I am very thankful to everyone who helped me move - to Heather for arranging it, Joe for driving and getting helpers, Heather, Rob, Eli, Ezekiel and Trish for helping load the car, Trish for getting the rest of stuff out of my storage, Joe for getting help unloading, Kelly for letting me crash in her basement again for the few nights after I arrived and before I could move in, Joe, Harry, Tracy and David for helping move all the stuff in on the rustic elevator. I could not have done it alone.

In other news, classes start today. I will have my first class in a few hours. I'm excited and intimidated by it all, but in the last few days I have gotten so much done, aside from moving. I went to several new student seminars, navigated around campus, registered and got set up with the Disabily Resource Center, got my bus pass and student ID, paid tuition with student loans, bought my textbook (which if I haven't said already, is 1300 pages! The study guide alone is over 400), set up my student online account. It feels like the opposite of last time I was here, where for the first few days I was overwhelmed and freaked out, having that off-island culture shock. I felt none of that this time. I woke up the first morning I was here and got myself on a bus to school to go attend a seminar of great personal academic interest. I just felt like I was rockin' it. I guess I was very ready to leave Orcas.

Somehow in the middle of that I also managed to see David Cross and Pearl Jam. Know what else I have seen? A lot of blind and disabled people. It's awesome. I swear I have hardly ridden the bus without that experience. And the other day I was walking from campus to a bus stop and was walking behind this guy and I suddenly saw he was walking with a cane, as in the blind long white cane. And on the bus the other day I met someone else with albinism. I also saw a girl today in the Disability Resource Center who is taking Anatomy & Physiology, which was very inspiring to see. I need to believe that I can do science stuff despite my eyesight, b/c I get scared and have doubts sometimes.

There is a lot of diversity here in general - people speaking other languages, from all kinds of cultures, and I'm psyched by the wide array of student clubs. There are so many that just reflect a hugely diverse student body. There is even an Atheists and Agnostics Forum! Right on!

Well I am off to go find my way to my classes so I don't get lost later and get to class late. Just wanted to give everyone the update! Will update my contact info on Facebook in a minute.

Yes, this is my Final Answer

2009-09-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

for the million dollar question in the game of What the Fuck Am I Doing with My Life?

Anyone who's been following my blog this summer knows that I've had some back and forth thoughts about whether to start school in the fall or to attend a training center for the visually-impaired in Denver. But what you don't know unless you're one of the unfortunate people to have spent a lot of time with me in recent months is how intense and unending this indecision has been. I thought for sure I would go to school no matter what. Then I was unsure. Then I was certain about the center. Then indecision. Then school. Then the center. Then back and forth again and again, ad nauseam. And each time, I was SURE that I had come to a final decision.

And I mean really, I feel sorry for those who have been around me most. I was telling my friend Holly she should shoot me (she declined of course but I think she secretly wanted to, she's heard every nuance of every rethinking of the decision process and all my worries and calculations and meanderings). I can't overstate how freaking crazy I drove myself and those around me. I feel bad that every time my friend Willa from India called me this summer, it was always when I was reconsidering and in indecision, and every time we talked I was like, "My head just hurts, I want this all to stop!" And I feel bad for my friend Kelly, who got revised emails of my plans every week or so. But for all my friends who I drove crazy, I guarantee I drove myself CRAZIER!

There have literally been times I've avoided going places on Orcas b/c I didn't want to deal with people asking me how my plans had changed and I got tired of explaining myself and going back and forth. I can't remember ever feeling quite so mentally exhausted. And I'm happy to say (and how truly do I hope I'm really for real this time). I have finally come to a real decision that I don't think I will go back on.

I am going to school!

A few major factors affected this decision. First was a DVD I watched the weekend before last about the Colorado Center - it turned me off. There wasn't a single thing about the science training (which would be the main reason that I would be going), and as part of the program students have to wear sleepshades (aka blindfolds) so that they learn to rely on other senses to learn the skills, which makes sense but also bothers me some (also it was one thing to know about it, but seeing it in the video was pretty unsettling). That and a lot of the skills taught don't really apply to me. I mean, yes my vision sucks, but it's also stable. My condition is not degenerative at all, and so my eyesight is not likely to change much, and so I will probably never need to know how to do things like put together an outfit by identifying my clothes with braille, b/c I can see my clothes, see the colors and all that. Watching the DVD really made it clear that this and other similar things are a huge part of the program. So all in all it felt like, the more I learned about the center, the more it felt like I would go through a lot of training I don't really need, just to get some science skills and I began to doubt if the investment of time and energy would be worth the payoff, especially as I've been anxious to go back to school and have been trying to make that work out for the last few years now and feel reluctant to put it off.

There were a lot of other little things in the DVD that also bugged. Individually, they're nothing, but taken together, there was an effect. One of them is that there's an NFB (National Federation of the Blind) philosophy class that students have to take, so that they will "fully believe in the NFB's philosophy of blindness." Okay, that sounds a bit creepy in itself, but add to that that I'm fairly familiar with the NFB's beliefs, and being a critical thinker, there are parts I agree with (and I definitely appreciate what the NFB does), I don't agree with all of it. I have felt at times that members and events of the organization aren't very welcoming to people with partial sight. And a friend of mine had a friend who had a horrible time at the Denver center because of it, which sad to say, doesn't terribly surprise me. I also got the feeling from the DVD and some of the literature that was sent with it that there are a lot of rules and a lot of emphasis on students looking super professional at all times. And that stuff just got all my individualistic, expressive and rebellious tendencies all riled up. I mean physically I was getting all tense. I could already imagine myself getting in all kinds of trouble. I don't even know what they'd make of me, a girl with purple hair and a visible tattoo (if I'm wearing short sleeves). And there were a string of other little things that all left me feeling pretty uneasy after watching the DVD. Little things.

Oh, plus, my astrocartography told me I would get fat if I went to Denver. For those who aren't astrology geeks, astrocartography is basically looking at maps based on your birth chart. It's pretty complicated with lines everywhere, and I don't know how to actually calculate it (even the thought seems daunting) but you can look it up for free at astro.com. I don't put real stock into it, but I did out of curiosity look it up for me in Denver, and while most aspects seem to relate to more esoteric intangible energies, my astrocartography for Denver literally did say I would gain weight and that if I didn't want to, I should move somewhere else, which made me laugh, like, seriously?? Too funny.

But what actually is a much bigger deal and dealbreaker for me than any of the above put together, is the uncertainty about the center. To be able to go, I have to go through a process with the local low-vision agency, to justify my need to go to the center and then get approval, and it was very uncertain how long that would take, and if by the time it did, the center would still have openings and I would have enough time to complete the program before classes start next fall. And there was no way in hell I was waiting past that time to start school (plus it would have messed with my admission/student status/and on and on if I took off any more than a year). The uncertainty was eating me alive, the not knowing when I would go, or if I would get to go and not really being able to make any plans in the meantime. I mean how could I get a job if I might be leaving soon for Denver? But then again it could be months. And it might not happen. Same thing with my apartment, I didn't know what to tell my manager, especially after having worked everything out with her (or so I thought) over the phone while I was in Portland, then I came home to find lots of not so nice letters from her on several topics, and one of them being she has a new tenant waiting for my place. I felt totally locked in limbo, unable to make any kind of concrete plans of any sort when this whole process was so up in the air and I had no idea if or when I'd get to go to the center. I felt trapped. And that feeling, especially after getting back to the island, was only adding to my mental craziness. All I wanted was a sense of security in knowing what was going on, and that felt so elusive.

After watching the DVD, I felt like the uncertainty and all that bs just really might not be worth it and started looking into school again. I crunched some numbers and realized I could do it if I took a more minimal amount of credits (basically my intro biology class, plus one other credit, and I'd still get financial aid and feel fairly comfortable with my money situation even if it takes me a bit to find a job. It could be doable. And there were still spots left in the bio class.

I started reading the class descriptions again, and professor reviews and anything I read just got me so pumped to be in class and be learning this stuff. I got animated and excited and so wanted to be there. I have felt that way any time I have done that sort of stuff. Months ago, before the financial aid curveball came up, I had my classes all planned out and scheduled and felt super excited for them, long before I could even sign up. And each time I've been on the school side of this debate, I have felt this way. I was reading reviews of classes with such longing in my heart. I really don't want to put off school another year is what it comes down to. And I am really, really attracted to the idea of starting part time this year, to ease back into the whole idea of school and studying and classes, and then going full time next year, and being able to take more advanced classes sooner. I'm almost afraid that if I do put it off, I'll lose my drive some, when it's so potent right now. It's hard to describe exactly, I just can't wait to be really immersed in everything, feeling like I am progressing towards something, learning, intellectually stimulated, and the desire is so strong that EVERY time I read anything like these class descriptions or prof reviews, I feel overwhelmed with wanting to be in class and learning. In my incessant indecision, I feel my heart has always been on the side of going back to school. That is what I really want to do.

So I did more research, and found out that my school, Portland State, a school that is known for their disabled student services being awesome (actually when I was touring campus last winter I saw a few people there with guide dogs and when I took the bus there last month I saw a blind guy, always good signs as I've been to schools where I feel like the only person w/a disability, so this was a marked improvement on that) offers lab assistants if needed for disabled students taking lab science classes. That is amazing! I feel like with that option, and with taking the intro class, I'll really be able to see if I'm going to struggle with science stuff b/c of my eyesight, and if I do maybe I'll reconsider the center, but I also came up with all kinds of other resources and possibilities, at the school, through the NFB (they have a science division, and a student division, and the woman who is president of the student division majored in biology and is totally blind), and more. So I feel better about things having done that research. And I'm a determined kind of girl so I'm sure I'll figure out a way to rock it.

So, all this is to say, I've come to my final answer, I'm going to school. I accepted my student loans, signed up for my bio class, did entrance counseling for my student loans (definitely made me think how different this is from last time I went to school, and how all the responsibility is on me in a whole new way that I welcome), and just landed a studio apartment near campus. I'll be leaving in a few days.

It definitely scares me. Moving scares me. Leaving Orcas scares me. Being in class again scares me. I want all of these things, but they also really freak me out. I haven't been in a college class in over seven years! Oh yeah and my textbook for this year for bio is 1300 pages! Talk about daunting! I have never really learned how to study. I was always one of those annoying people who did real well in school without studying at all, so I never had any discipline. And I'm sure I could still be that way, just go to class and pay attention and ace classes without opening a book, but, I don't want to half-ass it. Also, I am definitely out of practice at this point, and have no doubt gotten rusty. So yeah, going to school, studying, taking exams, having homework, trying to get into a more disciplined student mindset that I have really never had, really, really scares me. It's one of the reasons that the idea of easing back into school by going barely part time so appeals to me.

Scary as it is, it feels right, and I'm excited, and I really mean my decision this time. Sometimes you just gotta go with that.

I also want to say I am very thankful to have good friends to bounce ideas off of. I am super grateful to my friend Claire, aka Silver Lining, b/c she is a very grounded, balanced person who could offer an objective opinion. I talked ALL of these factors out with her and that was really the turning point. I get so lost in my head sometimes I lose perspective and have a hard tie sorting things out, especially when there are so many factors. She was so great to talk to and really helped me with the sorting out. And after that I felt so much more clear. And ever since I decided, friends have come out and told me they felt like all along, this is what was really the right decision, and what I truly wanted. It felt so affirming, b/c like I said, I get all jumbled up. And now that I've let the decision settle for a bit, I feel very sure. Now the thought of not starting school for another year is kind of unthinkable. But what felt the most affirming to me was when the person I work with from the local low-vision agency, the same person I would have worked with to make the Denver center happen, told me she really felt this was clearly the right decision for me. And for the first time in months, it really feels like everything is coming together (FINALLY). During Mercury retrograde no less! I better not totally count my chickens yet...

All right, gotta get back to packing.

Currently Listening:
Okay, I'm listening to a cover Tori Amos recently did of "Baby One More Time" yes, the Britney Spears song! Tori can really pull off some covers I tell you. This one is sort of hysterical, I have to say I never in a million years ever would have thought I'd be putting this song on my "currently listening, but when Tori sings it, it's hot and kinda sultry and almost ironic. She puts in some ad-lib too.

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Oh baby baby the reason I breathe is you
Is you, yes it is you
Oh the reason I know is not a reason for living
But I'm living for you
The reason that I breathe, is for you
And boy you'e got me blinded
Oh pretty baby, there's nothin that I wouldn't do
Thats not the way I planned it

Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby
You always do
Hit me baby one more time!

Like I said, hysterical! I still can't get over finding this, like, seriously??? Wow. Hahahaha. Oh I had another song competing for this spot on my blog but I may be too embarrassed to fess up to it. I will just say, it's all House's fault.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Orcas Island

2009-09-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

(Originally written on September 6th, but I forgot to finish and post)

So, I'm back on the rock. Some might call it Orcatraz and these days, I might be among them.

What I've been wondering a lot lately is if there is a danger in staying somewhere that is too small and safe too long? I feel like I'm living out some negative consequences of having done just that. It's like staying in the womb too long and then not knowing how to breathe in wide open spaces or something.

When I first moved here, life on a small Pacific Northwest island was exactly what I needed. It felt like a port in the storm that was my life. It's also one of the lushest, most beautiful places I have ever encountered. And not in a "oh look at that honey, isn't it pretty?" sort of cheesy way, but in a deep, sacred sort of way, with thick forested areas, fog, and the ocean. Perfectly contemplative. Before I got here, while living in Seattle unable to find work and stressed out all the time, I had this constant daydream that somehow, someday I would be living somewhere where I could see the ocean, somewhere quiet and dreary and maybe even a little melancholy.

And somehow, that incessant daydream that felt like an impossible imagining came true when I came up here (which was six and a half years ago). I lived on the camp property and could see the ocean from my window. I'd wake up to go to work early and see the moon reflecting on the water, or look up and see constellations, and take walks through thick trees. I wrote in detail about this once before in this post. So yeah, for awhile, Orcas was an idyllic haven.

But then I moved off of camp, and started to feel a little suffocated by the smallness of the island, the difficulty and time-consuming complications of getting off the rock while not being able to drive, started to feel extremely intellectually frustrated, and wished there were more people my age, and missed seeing live music more frequently, and (shit I really hope I don't offend anyone by saying this) felt frustrated about writing on Orcas, in terms of, I felt I always had to censor myself, b/c I was always the youngest in any local writing circle I've been in on the island and while some people really welcome the kind of irreverance I would bring to the table, some people really don't. A lot of times it felt like people were writing about flowers and sunlight and sweet memories and so I'd ask them to skip over me as we all read aloud in a circle, b/c I'd written about something less delicate, like say, porn. I started to feel like I had to watch my language in these circles, and my topics, and just felt uncomfortable being myself. I felt like I had to suppress my fire.

Last winter I had cabin fever so bad I thought I would explode, and then I went to India, and when I first came back to my apartment I felt the realization as clearly as if it had been painted on my walls, I was done with Orcas. It was too small. I spent most of my summer thinking of how to get out of here sooner. But it also was a nice respite. I mean India was so intense and overwhelming all the time, sensory overload at every moment, and sometimes it felt really fucking scary. And even after getting used to that and not feeling as afraid, there was still the intensity. So it was nice to be somewhere totally safe, somewhere where I would never think twice about walking home at all hours of the night, sometimes more than a mile walk, sometimes completed while drunk or high or both and feeling totally safe while doing so. It really was nice to come back and just rest a bit, be in familiar surroundings.

And then I went to Chicago and Portland and was kinda freakin' out. I mean this usually happens when I've been on the island a while, whenever I first go to the mainland, it's overwhelming, and big stores and getting around by myself seem insurmountable. Actually I usually get cranky when first off-island as a reaction to feeling a bit out of my comfort zone. It's like clockwork. But I've noticed that it's definitely gotten worse over the years, not better. I feel more overwhelmed and more rusty on travel skills every time I leave the island.

So yeah, Chicago, I was mostly with a group for the whole time, but when I split off to meet up with two girls from my India trip, I was freaking out, terrified I wouldn't meet back up with my group. It ended up being fine, though we did get lost trying to find the right metro station and train track. Still the whole time I was there I was just like, this city is fucking huge and it made me feel kind of lost. And then when we got to Portland after the road trip I felt the same way. I was just so out of practice of living in a city of any size, and didn't know my way around, and felt really overwhelmed. For the first few days, I just wanted to be back on my safe little Orcas. I didn't REALLY want to, but was craving safety, familiar territory, only three main streets to navigate, relief. My friend Elynn had to talk some sense into me. As someone who'd recently left Orcas herself, she knew what I was going through and that it would pass. She gave me a stern little talking to, something like, "Chrys, on Orcas you have no prospects for getting laid and you only have two people to hang out with year round." And I thanked her for the reminder, b/c I needed that, and then all the reasons I was sick of Orcas came flooding back.

After that I decided to venture out and go take the bus to my school, which was a complicated venture. The internet where I was staying wasn't working that morning, so my friend Rachel helped me out. She worked hard looking up bus routes and a local bank b/c I was trying to open an account. It ended up being a really unsuccessful mission at the time. I wasn't able to open one (though later in my second week in the city, everything totally came together swimmingly), and it turned out that where I had to catch the bus to go back wasn't all that near where I'd been dropped off, and I got kind of lost, and had to call Rachel again and work it out. The weird thing was, after that bus adventure, after I got back to my friend's place and all, it's not exactly that I stopped feeling overwhelmed, but it lessened immensely, and I had zero more thoughts about wanting to be on Orcas. I stopped freaking out, like somehow crossing that hurdle made all the difference. And from then on I had a blast.

But it did make me really feel that staying on the island for as long as I have has had some detrimental effects. I can't imagine I ever would have felt all overwhelmed and shit like that before I lived here. I moved to Seattle not knowing one thing about how to get around the city, and not really knowing anyone either, and yeah it was kind of scary at first, but after a few weeks I was answering other people's questions about which buses to take to go where. So it's like, I know I can do it, I just have been horribly out of practice. And that brings me back to my original point, that staying somewhere that's too safe and small for too long has its dangers.

And I must say, I'm hoping not to be here too long. I have been back for not even 48 hours and I feel the same way I did when I first got back from India, I am done with this place. There are lots of people I love, and lots of things I love about the island, but I am just done. I am afraid of being pulled back in to the nest so to speak. I want to be free and Orcas feels like Orcatraz right now. I hate saying that b/c there are sooo many great things about the island, I've just had enough. So I'm keeping myself busy.

I spent a day in Seattle on my way back up North and it was a good reminder that I can be fine in a city, b/c I felt pretty at home there, partly b/c I know its layout and it's familiar. It just reminded me that even if I go somewhere where I don't know anyone or where anything is, it will eventually feel totally navigable.

Currently Listening:
"Paper Planes" - MIA - already did this song once before so I won't bore anyone w/reposting the lyrics. Am loving it though! Love the very beginning the most, "I fly like paper and get high like planes/If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name..." She's cool in a badass way.

Time to Geek Out

2009-09-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

This is really fucking cool:

SnakesOnACane. And according to what I read they are real snakes. And it's the caduceus symbol, which is cool b/c it's a medical thing, and because of Maynard's wine.

Love it, and cannot wait to see this coming season. Last year was great (except the episode about the environmental protesters, I can barely stomach that one it makes me so angry and definitely reminds me that House is a show on Fox). I like things about crazy people so I enjoyed the last few of last season very much, with House losing his mind and hallucinating. And now he's in the loony bin, sweet. I wonder where it will go next!

Okay, just had to geek out on that snakes on a cane thing, too cool. My friend Leo said she saw it flash during commercials, like subliminal messages, which is disturbing, but forgivable because it's House.

After the Ecstacy, the Laundry

2009-08-31T08:18:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, I went to this amazing writers retreat weekend put on by The Sun magazine in Big Sur, CA, and during the last morning we were all gathered and talking about what we felt about the end of the workshop, and a lot of people expressed some degree of sorrow at having to go back to their real lives, and someone brought up the quote that is the title of this blog, which I think was originally said by some spiritual teacher or something. Ever since that workshop, I think of this quote anytime I'm saying goodbye to any kind of supercool experience and going back to my regular life, and that is the case this morning.

I'm leaving Portland in a few hours, and I have a heavy heart, and I'm glad the sky is dreary and overcast, not just because I always like that, but also b/c it fits. I had too much fun this month, coming to stay w/my friend so we could take a trip to Lollapalooza in Chicago together, meet up with a bunch of friends for the festival, take an awesome road trip back to the west, and after that were my two weeks in Portland trying to start up OR residency so school can be somewhat more reasonable next year.

Where to even start? There is so much to say. The Lolla/road trip has been in the works since April. My friend emailed me about the possibility while I was in India and I remember it feeling like a beacon of light in a way, an adventure to look forward to after getting home. India was also an adventure of course, but it was a really difficult one, so it was really nice to have something to look forward to that would be a little more smooth and simple, yet still would cover new territory.

Lolla was awesome. I saw TOOL for the 4th time and they are fucking AMAZING live as usual. But those guys really, really need to shake up their freakin' setlist. I mean, really now. They have such a great catalog of songs, and I am craving more of it. Also saw Rise Against, The Killers (very excited and into it audience for them) and Snoop Dogg. Left the show for awhile on Friday night and had a random kinda crazy meetup with two of the girls from my India trip. It later involved literally running through the streets of Chicago trying to meet back up w/my group to catch a train. And the friend I was running with was barefoot and muddy. It rained like crazy that day, and two of my friends used plastic tablecloths as ponchos, of which I have photo evidence that I probably should refrain from posting :) And one friend Leo got hair dye in her eye b/c of the rain and it stained her contacts! The best part of the whole weekend, even better than Tool and Maynard was getting to hang out with some great people who I don't get to see nearly often enough.

I was definitely feeling overwhelmed by the crowds at the festival, not exactly my thing. When I was trying to get around Chicago with Nina from my India trip I told her that I was out of my element and she laughed and said, "I've seen you much more outside of your element," and I agreed, b/c crazy as some of it was, it was not India.

So the deal with the road trip was that we flew to Chicago and then met up with Kelly's neighbor as she was driving cross country back to Oregon. She had her dog with her, a fluffy, teddy-bear looking australian shepherd that got nonstop attention wherever we went. We piled into the car and headed west, making camp the first night in Wisconsin. From there we drove through Minnesota and into South Dakota, where it took us forever to try to see the sculptures in Sioux Falls (never mind trying to see the Falls). That night our campsite was RIGHT on the time zone line from Central to Mountain time - if we went from one part of the area to another, our cell phones would switch back and forth.

The next day we drove all through SD and had the hardest time finding a campsite in the Black Hills area, which I have to say was a really gorgeous area, really lush, really adorable little towns, and we drove through a rainshower and I always think everything looks beautiful in the rain. We drove into this one park and had to pay an admissions fee to even go look for a campsite, then drove through this loooong and winding road called the Needles Highway, which had these amazing rock formations, just incredibly cool, but when we finally got to the camp area, everything was full and we had to find somewhere else. We set up camp and went to an evening program at Mt. Rushmore. Oh this was after driving to Crazy Horse, but we didn't really go in there b/c they wanted to charge so much to basically look a bit closer at what we could already see. So fuck that. Mt. Rushmore was...interesting, as my friend Rachel would say. I mean it was definitely mind-boggling to think about how they made it, but the whole thing was way too sickeningly patriotic for me. I think especially after coming back from India, and this is probably true of any foreign experience, (and not even that, b/c I felt this way beforehand, it's just been strengthened by India).

We got up and the next morning and went to the Badlands which are also really cool. I must say I hugely prefer the naturally made phenomena like that to the manmade ones like Mt. Rushmore. I will have to post pictures because the Badlands are hard to describe, but amazing to witness. I felt like we got to see some really incredible parts of the country while driving and camping through them, and that was fucking cool. There is some really amazing landscape. And animals! We saw bison, donkeys, prairie dogs in the distance, heard coyotes, saw a bear while driving at one point, and I don't even remember what else. Lots of bison, which is cool b/c I didn't think there were really still that many out there.

And then there was the rodeo. In Cody, Wyoming, a memorable experience that I never ever need to re-experience. I couldn't see most of what happened for the actual rodeo and honestly, I am thankful. And unfortunately I could hear the announcer, who was this radio clown telling really, really offensive racist and sexist jokes, yelling out how proud he was to be a redneck, and just incessant blather. Afterwards, I felt just kind of all around grossed out and disgusted. During parts of our camping trip we were in really conservative territory, holy shit for sure. We drove past a billboard that said, "Manage your wildlife: Wear Fur." I mean, wtf?

We spent the next day in Yellowstone, which is just a massive, massive park. We didn't even see parts of it that we had meant to, like the Boiling River. There are just so many amazing things to look at, like a lake so huge (and with waves) that looks like the ocean, and all kinds of geysers, and pools of this orange mineral stuff. Really vibrant colors. I wish I knew more about what caused and formed all of these things. That night we had to search for firewood on the side of the road, around dusk, and piled into the back of the car on top the dog. Oh and we got a free campsite that night - someone who had already paid had decided to leave and so that was one of those awesome, cool experiences that comes with travel.

After that we drove through Idaho and into eastern Oregon and stayed at this beautiful lake. The stars were incredible. A few different times we just had amazing skies during the trip, and we were able to see the dipper and the milky way, and some shooting stars. Our last day we spent in the Painted Hills, which really are amazing looking with red and tons of green. We took hikes and stopped at a local museum to learn about the nearby fossil beds and history of the area. From there we drove back to Portland through the lushness of Mt. Hood.

It was a great trip full of awesome music and good times. It was nice though to get back and sleep in a real bed and not have to set up and take down camp every day.

All during the trip I was going through an internal indecisive struggle. It's a common thing I wrestle with. While in Chicago I got a call from my school saying I would most likely get housing, even though I had been wait-listed three times at that point. And that little flicker of hope made me want to say screw the center in Denver, I'm starting school. But I couldn't decide. I really, really wanted to start school. I have been putting it off awhile, I have been thinking about it for years, and seriously looking into it for the last two. I felt so beyond ready, and desperate for intellectual stimulation. I felt really gung ho about doing some science shit. I was going to go part-time b/c doing that, I could sort of afford, sort of, and at the end of the year, I'd be considered an in-state resident.

I kept going back and forth in my mind. I wanted to go to school, I knew that, but I also kept remembering what Desmond from my India trip always said, b/c I think it's a good motto to live by: "Make the choice that you would regret not making." I knew that if I didn't choose the Colorado Center, I'd probably always wonder what skills I could have gained or what it could have been like and how it could have enriched my life, but still, I was going to try to make school work. So I set about calling and doing paperwork crap only to get denied for a loan and wait listed again for housing. I still wanted to try but I sort of came to my senses and was like, okay, obviously the thing to do here is go to the Colorado Center. And that started to really feel right. But I spent my first week after the road trip dealing with that.

The second week, I had fun. I got to see a good friend of mine who used to live on Orcas who I rarely get to see anymore. I got to hang out with a long time internet friend. That was really freakin' cool. And things started to get busier at my friend's house during that second week. We had people over. We went out - to wine tasting, to exploring the Hawthorne area of Portland, to a movie showing about mental health, to an art street fair (at which I got of the car feeling strongly that I would run into someone I knew from Orcas, which turned out to be a very accurate prediction as I ran into the boat captain for the camp I used to work at), and one night we actually went to a strip club - not my idea. So there were four of us women who I think all consider ourselves like mostly straight, watching some naked girls. I was iffy about going, but it turned out to not feel seedy really, and also was pretty impressive - fire dancing and all. Yet another new experience I suppose.

We also had one sort of somber but beautiful morning, all four of us girls just sitting around and talking. It was a bit heavy b/c some of them were going through some tough stuff, but at the same time it was kind of cool to just talk and share insights and listen to kinda brooding music (Elliot Smith, Into the Wild soundtrack, Chris Cornell's Euphoria Morning, Jeff Buckley, Pearl Jam) and contemplate life, and incorporate tarot readings into it. Actually we had two weird music/tarot coincidences. I was giving this girl a reading about her love life and right before I turned over the first card the PJ song "Love Boat Captain" came on and someone remarked about that. Then later once I'd read for everyone else I did my own reading and I turned over The Tower (which is kind of a scary card honestly, was not thrilled to have that show up in the center of my reading), and just as I turned it over, the PJ song "You Are" came on, but I couldn't think of the name of the song or anything, just that it had lines about towers, and it was like whoa, weird.

Anyway on the last full day it was kind of cool b/c we went to this place called Cup & Saucer, which was actually the first place I ever went in Portland, I think it was over 8 years ago, the first time I met Kelly, and I love stuff like that, when things feel symmetrical in some way. While we were there I kept noticing this woman with this really unique purple and pink dyed hair, and there had been a lot of hair dying at the house, and I felt inspired and impulsive, so that last night, Kelly's daughter and her friend dyed my hair purple with pink streaks. It came out a rich deep purply pink and I LOVE it.

And now I'm headed back north. Feel like I did more in the last month than I do in some years (trips to India not included). It is hard to imagine being back on Orcas. I'm all packed up, and doing laundry before I start the long journey and trying to think positively about things I can look forward to about going back to my place, like sleeping in my own bed, seeing Orcas friends, remembering that fall is my favorite season on Orcas, and trying not to obsessively count the days until I can leave the island again. Already planning a possible off-island day trip with a friend, and looking forward to seeing Pearl Jam and David Cross in a few weeks, and getting my shit together for Denver.

In the meantime I'll probably go back to watching House, Grey's Anatomy and the Office while going through my stuff and making preparations so that I can be ready to move out when it's time to go to the Colorado Center. And of course, counting the days until those three shows premiere. I mean, come on, House is committed, Pam's pregnant and George and Izzie might be dead. That's some excitement to look forward to!

Blogging About Blindness

2009-07-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I wrote a post about the convention I just went to for the National Federation of the Blind, and about the Colorado training center for the blind that I want to attend. That post was inspired in part by the fact that I just started reading the book Freedom for the Blind by Jim Omvig. It was recommended to me by my friend Jedi from my state affiliate.

It is an online book which can be read here, Freedom for the Blind. I am only on the second chapter and already it is stirring many thoughts, feelings, insights and internal discussions, and I can already tell that it's worth reading. I would highly encourage my blog readers to check it out, especially those that are my friends, or those that have other blind and visually-impaired people in their lives.

My visual impairment is a topic that figures prominently in my life but one I have not talked about much, so I think I'm going to do some blogging about it. Already there are several posts swimming around in my mind. Here are some of them:

-The word "blind"

-The "hierarchy of Sight" as the NFB puts it

-Normalcy and Blindness

And lots, lots more. Stay tuned, it's going to be interesting and exploratory and thought-provoking and awesome.

Currently Listening:
"Less Than Strangers" - Tracy Chapman - sad song, and I've been kinda sad lately, so I guess I'm okay that it makes me sad. I freakin' love her voice. She captures so much feeling.

You and me
Had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

Oh it hurts to lose in love
Let anger and cruelty win
It's unfair that you doubt your feelings
And that you'll ever love again
I know that hearts can change
Like the seasons and the wind
But when I said forever
I thought that we'd always be friends

You and me had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

I thought I saw you yesterday
I thought I passed you on the street
I swear I saw your face
I was not imagining
That you stole a glance my way
You walked away from me
My heart it may be broken
But my eyes are dry to see

You and me had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

2009-07-21T00:21:00.000-07:00

It's after midnight and I can't sleep so I'm up, pouring over some reading material, distracting myself and thinking things over, and I thought it might be a good time to (finally) post.

At the beginning of this month, I went to a convention for the National Federation of the Blind. It was almost an accident - I hadn't really given much thought to attending. Years ago, I went to a state meeting with a local friend, and had a kind of hard time at the meeting and hadn't gone back. This year, I applied to their scholarship program (and every other scholarship program I could think of or find) before I left for India. Then, about a month before the national convention, I got a call from the president of my state affiliate. He told me I hadn't gotten a scholarship, but offered for me to go to the convention. They were doing this College Leadership Program, for a handful of students who didn't get a scholarship, trying to get more young people involved in the organization, and so they would cover everything - airfare, hotel, registration, even a food stipend. Did I want to go?

At the time, I had been back for barely a month, and already ready for another adventure, so I said sure, I'd go. The conference was in Detroit, and I learned I'd be rooming with a few other people in the program. Sounded cool.

And for the most part, it was really cool. It was also incredibly overwhelming. There were almost 3,000 people there, which is a lot of people to be around for a week-long conference. Plus the hotel didn't have a lot of elevators, so anytime a session was about to start or just let out, or at mealtimes, the wait time, and the crowding at the elevators was intense. The hotel was set up in concentric circles, so you can just imagine a whole bunch of blind people trying to find their way around. There were guide dogs everywhere, and there was a lot of "caning" as we came to call it, especially at the beginning, from people navigating with long white canes.

One of the things I most took away from the whole experience was a feeling of inspiration, seeing so many blind people in so many walks of life and jobs and roles. There were blind lawyers, parents, teachers, workers at state agencies, computer people, scientists and on and on and on. There were blind people working and interning for NASA, which as a former astronomy major, just warmed my heart. I mean, wow, that's so freakin' awesome.

My favorite part of the convention was when I "test drove" a guide dog. I want one so bad, but am still having doubts if I am really ready to take on the responsibility of a dog again. I mean, they sort of tie you down, and I am a free, adventurous girl who likes to go on wild rides, so, I don't know. I talked to the people there about it, like, what about when I want to go on road trips to go to music festivals? What about the next time I go overseas, what about when I go back to the third world? The answers? Well if you are going to a concert, leave the dog home. If you are going on a road trip, you can either take with you or have someone watch. If you are going overseas you can probably take it as long as it is safe for the dog, and if it's not you can board the dog at the school and they will keep up its training. Someone said to me, "Well, if you get a job in Kabul you probably can't take the dog with you, but most places are fine." So I'm thinking about it. My "test drive" was only ten or fifteen minutes and it was a total joy of my time there. And the school I would go through to get one, should I decide to do it, is right outside Portland, so, very convenient.

Another interesting thing I learned about while at the convention is that the NFB has training centers where they teach blindness skills. There are so many classes, like Braille and cane travel (both of which I have zero experience with), home management stuff, cooking, shop (you use power tools in this class - which is COOL - and really learn how to fix and build things, and for a final project you have to build something, complete a project from start to finish, and the examples I heard sound incredible. There's also an adaptive tech class where you learn to use screen readers (also have no experience with that either), and there is a job skills class, that addresses job hunting, career stuff, job shadowing and how to address the disability issue with jobs. And then there is my favorite class, which is called the college prep class, where they teach you alternative skills to deal with highly visual classes like anatomy and statistics. Well I want to double major in English and Bio, so in the Bio realm, I'd probably be taking both of those. I just get all tickled thinking of the possibility to learn skills to fully participate in those kinds of classes. Oh and then the other best part about the program is that you do all kinds of outdoor adventure stuff - river rafting, rock climbing, hiking, skydiving, ropes course stuff with belaying. That just totally rocks my world.

I kept putting off the thought of that center for two reasons, but both reasons didn't last all that long . The first is that I feel a bit ambivalent about whether I need the Braille and cane travel (which is blasphemy to say around the NFB it seems). I read print and I read it fast, even compared with fully sighted folks. I feel almost guilty saying that b/c it seems that is not at all a universal experience with others who were there, but that's what's true for me. I have to look really, really close, which can be a bit socially awkward, but has never been difficult. What I did notice though, is that most of the speakers at the convention used Braille for their presentations, and that was a pretty amazing thing to see - they were making eye contact with the audience, looking very professional, and that struck me as one reason I would want to learn it, so that in the future I'm doing a spoken word performance or going to an open mic or doing any sort of presentation, that would be a great tool to have, instead of having the paper in front of my face. It certainly could be an asset, and wouldn't hurt to have the skills.

As for cane use, I still resist it. I get around okay. I've been so fiercely independent in my life. I went to school in two unfamiliar places, moved across country to Seattle not knowing anyone, never having lived in a city before. I ride buses all over the country by myself, ride the NYC subway (and get my friend Leo and I on the wrong one, winding up in Brooklyn and then figure out how to get us back where we want to go), navigate unfamiliar places, walk around cities at night, fly frequently. I do stuff that some of my fully sighted friends get nervous and uneasy about. And sure, I miss steps, trip over shit sometimes, misjudge edges (my depth perception is off), fall down sometimes (I'm suddenly reminded of our last group meeting in India where we did this thing where we had to say stuff about other members in the group and Willa, starting to feel the effect of her bhang lassi, was hilariously trying to describe how I fall over rocks). So part of me feels like I don't need it. I mastered those concentric circles of that hotel. On the other hand, I really struggled in India, where streets were uneven. I seriously could have used a cane in that situation, and it can never hurt to have additional skills. Also, at the guide dog skills they all say that before you get a dog you should be up on your cane skills. So, again, it definitely couldn't hurt.

The other reason I kept dismissing thoughts of going to a training center is that I am so eager to start college this fall. But then I got my finalized financial aid package and it's awful and after talking to the school it seems there is no way for that to change. And then I didn't get housing either. Both things were delayed (in different ways) because I was away in India. So now it's looking a lot less exciting to go to school in a few months - if I do I will be in mounds of debt, and yeah that is going to happen anyway with school, but the amount scares me. I have lived a pretty debt-free life so far, and I'd like to keep it as minimal as possible.

What I'm thinking now is that what I'll do is go to the training center - the Colorado Center for the Blind (there are two others; I chose this one because it's in a more urban environment that most resembles what it'll be like when I go to school in Portland and also because they have the most outdoor adventure stuff and they are the one that seems to have the most geared towards alternative techniques for science classes). It's a six to nine month program, so I'll do it during this school year, and I seriously think of it as a long-term investment in my life, my school career and future career prospects. And while I'm there I'll be able to get my financial aid and housing applications in super early for the next school year. It's still disappointing to have to push that back by a year, and it's hard for me to let go of that, but like I said, I think going to the center is a long-term investment and will ultimately make school a better experience for me.

So that's my plan for now. Ooooh and there may possibly be an addition to this plan, but it's still so in the works and so uncertain that I'm not going to say anything yet. Just keep reading and if it happens I'll post about it. It's adventurous. Would you expect anything less?

There is a part of me that is sad that I didn't do this sooner. I mean, I get by all right, but in some ways my world is kinda limited and I'd like to do more than just "get by." The way I understand it, all the classes at the center are geared towards very high functionality. In the cooking class, for a final exam, you have to make a meal for 40-80ish people, and I keep thinking that I wish I had been trained in these skills earlier. I spent the last six years working in a kitchen, and I just think how I might have been able to be a lot more efficient, and because of that, able to do more and assigned more leadership roles at work. I know I am pretty slow at cooking stuff, b/c I don't know the alternative techniques and I rely on the eyesight I have, which is limited. And the outdoor adventure stuff, belaying, all of that, if I had known how to do that it could have greatly enhanced my time working as an outdoor environmental education instructor, because part of that job was facilitating high ropes challenge classes for kids. Another part was teaching ecology classes, and I was always so on edge, b/c I wasn't sure what to do about my eyesight, how to work around it when teaching those classes. My eyesight is also a major reason why I haven't applied for other jobs, because it complicates things, it makes things hard, and when I was job hunting in Seattle several years ago, it was so freakin' hard and I never know what exactly to say or how to deal with it in job interview situations.

My disability definitely keeps me stunted in some ways, or rather my fears about it. A lot of things scare me, like applying for jobs, meeting new people, being in crowded social situations. Anytime I am meeting new people, not only in the situation of a job interviewer, but also say, whenever the new staff arrives at camp each season, or I'm being introduced to new people, or meeting someone for the first time, or last year when a friend wanted to set me up on a (pretty ill-conceived) blind date, or on that job as an env. ed instructor, whenever I was getting a new group of students (which was typically at least once or twice a week), I get so nervous and panicky about what they're going to think about my low vision, my pale appearance, and I don't exactly try to hide my blindness, but don't address it, hope they don't really notice until after they get to know me and just generally feel extremely insecure about it. I want that to change. It has a pretty big impact on my life, this insecurity. I am told that at the center you learn how to deal with all kinds of different social situations (I seriously wonder if dating is included in that, hope so, of course b/c I am a boy crazy girl who needs to get her freak on and I know that this insecurity has a huge impact on my dating life as well). One thing that I heard universally said at the convention by anyone who went to one of the three centers was that what they gained most from their experience was self-confidence, and even a little of that, would I'm sure, go a really long way.

So I'm going to do my absolute best to make this happen. I meet with my state counselor on Thursday and we're going to talk about it. I'm psyched. I think going to the center will drastically improve my quality of life. And then I can go to school and kick some ass!

Currently listening:
"Rattlesnakes" - Tori Amos - Lovin' it.

jodie wears a hat although it hasn't rained for six days
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of those rattlesnakes
on account of those rattlesnakes

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront
she reads simone de beauvoir
in her american circumstance
hey..

she's less than sure if her heart has come to stay in san jose
and her neverborn child haunts her now
as she speeds down the freeway
as she tries her luck with the traffic police
out of boredom more than spite
she never finds no trouble, she tries too hard
she's oblivious despite herself
hey..

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront, she says
all she needs is therapy
all you need is love is all you need
ah-ahh

jodie never sleeps 'cause there are always needles in the hay, hey
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront
she reads simone de beauvoir
in her american circumstance
her heart's like crazy paving
upside down and back to front, she says
ooh, it's so hard to love when
love was your great disappointment

oooo
on account of those rattlesnakes
she says a girl needs a gun these days, hey
uh..uh..hhmmmmm
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes
hey, on account of those rattlesnakes

Can't get these songs out of my head

2009-06-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

The Fear You Won't Fall
Joshua Radin

Diggin a hole and the walls are cavin' in
Behind me, air's gettin' thin
But I'm trying, I'm breathin' it
Come find me

Hasn't felt like this before
Hasn't felt like home
Before you
I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way
I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of fallin' in love with you
Is the fear you won't fall

Hasn't felt like this before
Hasn't felt like home
Before you
I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way
I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd call
Thought bein' alone
Was better than, better than

And I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way

And now for something COMPLETELY different, the other song I can't get out of my head is "Paper Planes" by MIA, which totally reminds me of India. I had never heard this song before going there, but people played it fairly often while we were there, and then on the way home, watching movies on the plane, it was in Slumdog Millionaire, only solidifying the connection to India further. I am still catching up on Podcasts from when I was gone (just listened to an awesome and free one of Derrick Jensen with PM Press which you can also listen to here) and I see there is one waiting for me with MIA on Bill Maher's show, and I am psyched for that. So here's the song, I am always singing this at work, which is a little funny.

Paper Planes
MIA

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make 'em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make 'em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

Sometimes I feel sitting on trains
Every stop I get to, I'm clocking that game
Everyone's a winner, we're making the fame
Bona fide hustler making my name

Sometimes I feel sitting on trains
Every stop I get to, I'm clocking that game
Everyone's a winner now we're making the fame
Bona fide hustler making my name

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bombs
Running when we hit 'em
Lethal poison through their system

Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bombs
Running when we hit 'em
Lethal poison through their system

No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my burner, prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell, just pumping that gas

No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my burner, prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell, just pumping that gas

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

M.I.A., third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the KGB
So, uh, no funny business, are you already?

Some, some, some I, some I murder
Some I, some I let go
Some, some, some I, some I murder
Some I, some I let go

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is

I want to check out more of her stuff.
And a, and take your money

The Sun Connections

2009-05-31T21:32:00.000-07:00

So, this is kinda trippy. I'm in the midst of what feels like the enormously overwhelming task of sorting through my apartment and deciding what I want to keep, what to sell at a yard sale, what to give away. It is mind-blowing and incredible how much crap I've accumulated. Before I moved to this apartment, I was always on the move, so this never happened. Now I feel like I'm drowning in stuff.

Anyway, just now I was sorting through a stack of back issues of The Sun magazine. I tend to hang on to things so I have them going back for years. There are a lot I haven't read in awhile. What was kind of a trippy experience is looking back through the table of contents of previous issues and realizing I've met a lot of the featured people in the interviews and articles. Some of it's not surprising - I went to a writer's retreat put on by The Sun in 2005, so those connections aren't surprising, but some of the other ones are.

The one I just looked through had a feature article by Reza Aslan, who was here on Orcas last fall for a lecture and reception. Another feature article was by Diane Lefer, who taught at the Orcas Island Writers Festival last fall. She was fabulous, her writing practice comes from a deeply passionate social and political conviction adn she was a real inspiration in that way. And then there was another issue with an interview with Andrew Harvey, who was also recently on Orcas doing a workshop.

Moving Right Along

2009-05-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will mark two weeks after my return from India, and it feels like life is moving pretty quickly and changes are happening fast.

I made a decision about which college to go to pretty quickly after returning home, and I think in many ways, I had already made the decision, deep down, beforehand. I'm going to Portland State, which is the same school that my India program went through, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm still a little sad that some of my top choice schools didn't work out, though I'm also seeing it in some ways as what Julia Cameron would call "Gain disguised as loss," because the more I move forward in this process, the more right PSU feels, so there's also a part of me that's glad some of the other schools didn't work out.

PSU is going to be a great place for me to explore all kinds of different academic interests, they offer so many classes and subjects it kind of boggles the mind. And that's good because I have an ongoing issue about being interested in too many things at once and wanting a really diverse schedule that feeds my left and right brain at the same time. Pouring over the class schedule for the last ten days or so made me feel like a kid at Christmas, like, oooh I could take this class, and that class, and oh boy! And PSU is known for having a lot of older students, so that's cool for me, being in classes and organizations and campus housing with people in my same age range. And they have a great disabilities department, and it seems like a lot of other students with disabilities, and a separate disabilities advocacy organization on campus, so it feels like there'll be lots of support. Oh yeah, and when I was visiting, I saw lots of hot boys on campus, that's always a plus.

I'm super excited about all of it. I've wanted to live in Portland for years. I remember the first time I went there, during spring break of my second year of college, and the first morning I was there, sitting in a cafe with my friend Kelly and a few other women, just soaking it up and feeling so strongly that I wanted to live there. That was over 8 years ago! And my good friend Elynn who used to live around the corner from me here on Orcas, who I miss terribly, is there. I've moved a fair number of times in my life, and I have to say it is comforting to know I'll have Kelly and Elynn as two really close friends in a new locale. I also have a few contacts to hopefully set up some tarot reading stuff down there, and also a few contacts to get involved in the literary world of Portland.

I applied for campus housing, which I was NOT going to do - I'm way too old to live in a dorm, and I wasn't crazy about it when I was the right age - but it turns out that PSU's on-campus housing includes a lot of buildings with studio apartments and the like. See, that's what I'm talking about, the benefits of having lots of older students around. So, the price was decent and location is great, and so I applied and put in my deposit, should be finding out which building I'm in fairly soon I hope. I'll be moving in mid-September, so trying to soak up the joys of having a one bedroom apartment with a back patio that overlooks woods for the rest of my time here. I will have to downsize for the move, and I'm sort of looking forward to that too. Already going through my apartment thinking what I want to keep or not. India was good preparation for that in a way, I mean, I lived out of a pack for three months, I stayed with a family of seven who lived in a house that was the size of my living room/kitchen (aka not very big), and these things make you think about what is or isn't necessary. It just helps in terms of shedding what's not needed.

So, for those on Orcas, I am sure there will be some sort of yard sale outside my place at some point this summer. Get ready.

This morning I registered for classes, and so now that that went through it feels really, truly official that I'm going there. I was so sure something would go wrong in terms of signing up, I just thought Murphy's Law would be in effect, but no, I got every class I wanted at every time I wanted, so I got my ideal schedule. It's still subject to change up until the beginning of the quarter, but for now it's set exactly as I wanted it. I planned it out over a week ago, taking a lot of time to examine different class choices, how they'd fit together, and how the profs rated at those sites to review professors. And that last one was a good thing, I was going to take a writing class with someone b/c she's an author I like (the particular subject was not so thrilling, kinda something I have already taken), but the reviews were pretty much across the board not that flattering, putting it tactfully, so I decided to go with something else.

I am just so psyched for my schedule though it is not going to be an easy courseload (which honestly is a big part of the reason I'm psyched, I've been craving intellectual stimulation). I'm taking two science classes - bio and chem - as I still haven't fully given up the idea of doing a double major in something sciency, and I have my basic Physics credits and then some done already (and none in the others), so that alone is going to be intense, and awesome b/c it's that part of my brain that has been more deprived these last few years. I'm of course taking some writing credits, in scriptwriting actually. I was going to do non-fiction and probably will at some point, but I was just a lot more excited about the scriptwriting class, and it's totally undiscovered territory so it'll be challenging and engaging. And the last class I'm taking may be surprising, I'm taking Arabic. I've always been interested in learning it (still want to go to egypt someday), and I've never taken any college level foreign language courses, and taking Hindi classes in India gave me a boost of confidence as far as studying a language that is more different from English than something like French, which I took in high school. Sooooo, those are my four main classes. It's not going to be an easy semester, but the truth is I wanted a difficult courseload, b/c I know myself and without that I will get bored and feel like I'm not being challenged and whenever school is too easy I start slacking off. So I feel like my schedule has the diversity in subject that I crave, and a difficulty level that will be just right.

Oh I'm also taking piano (for beginners) as a two-credit class in the mornings, which should add some extra fun and creativity to my days. I've been wanting to teach myself for so long, but I don't do all that well with it being completely unstructured, I just end up never doing it, so the class should be good to cure that.

So, all around, I'm excited to make the transition to go back to school. September can't come fast enough, though I am actually glad to have the time to make the transition over time.

In my last post I said I would not go back to my old job. That did not last. The reality is that even with financial aid, and with the fact that I'm feeling good financially right now (I only spent $250 the entire time I was in India, so it feels like I saved money), going to school and moving are expensive things and it just can't hurt to have the income. And I'll be here for four months, so I decided to go back, but only four days a week, and on morning shift, which means that I will have to leave my place at 5:15! That is going to be rough, but I'll be done at 2 and have the whole day ahead of me. Though I am not crazy about the job and though I hear things are not good over there, everyone is really happy to have me back, and I'm actually surprising even myself by feeling pretty positive about it. Camp is just so beautiful (on almost 300 acres of gorgeous woodsy forests, fields, waterfront) and I feel such a strong spiritual connection to the land there, that I'm looking forward to the long walk in the early morning. Okay I might regret saying that tomorrow when it's really fucking early, but I bet I'll get used to it fairly quickly. I'm also thinking some days instead of coming home right away, I'll wander around some of the less traveled paths in the backwoods of the camp and really love up my last summer here. So, we'll see how it goes when I'm actually there, but for now I'm thinking positive.

So, all in all, things feel like they're moving right along.

Currently Listening:
"Fidelity" - Regina Spektor - this may possibly be the song I listened to most in India, b/c it was on two people's iPod type things. I haven't listened to much of her other stuff, but this song is constantly stuck in my head. And yes, it's in an episode of Grey's (do I even need to say that anymore? I'm such an addict).

Fidelity

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

Can You Ever Go Home Again?

2009-05-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know.

I woke up twice in the middle of the night completely disoriented, not knowing where I was and both times it took a few minutes to figure out where I was. It was weird, b/c I had something a little similar about halfway through the trip, when we had been moving around so much and slept in so many different places that as I drifted off to sleep, in that semi-lucid in between state I'd find myself momentarily thinking I was still in Calcutta or something. It happened for a few days in a row, but what happened last night was a lot stronger and felt so much more disorienting, like it really took awhile for it to register where I was and get my mind around it. Guess that could be expected for the first night sleeping at home in over three months.

I can't get over how weird it feels to be back. I honestly feel a bit uncomfortable with it. As I was saying at the end of the last post, a lot of things are the same as when I left. Some minor things have changed, like the local supermarket has totally changed their setup, and apparently my old job is just a clusterfuck of absurdities and people quitting and all kinds of trouble. And maybe that's good b/c it solidifies my resolution not to go back. Overall though, a lot seems the same, and it's sort of hard to reconcile that, b/c I am not the same.

I was wondering how that would feel. Everyone told me before I left that I would come back changed. My friend Becky told me she thinks of her life in terms of before a big trip she took to Jamaica and after. It's kind of a huge cliche, go to a foreign country, especially one like India, and come home forever changed, but it's also so true. What's hard to anticipate is how to integrate it all and how hard that can be.

I don't think I ever elaborated on the tattoo I got in Calcutta. For awhile three of the girls in the group, who I bonded with early on in Varanasi in week two of the trip, were talking about getting tattoos in India. At first, though I wanted to join in, I was skeptical - when I got my first tattoo I knew for over a year what I wanted to get before I had it done, and this time I had no idea. By the time we got to Calcutta, I had a strong feeling that the theme of the trip (and by this point I knew I wasn't coming home the same person I had been) was courage. I actually thought about getting something Durga related but decided against it. One morning while volunteering at the Mother Theresa home, doing laundry on the rooftop with the Willa and Graham, I kept thinking about it, thinking maybe I'd get "courage" in Hindi or something. I later looked it up online, and just didn't really like any of the translations I found for different Hindi words that meant courage or something similar, the definitions were all too warlike for me, more about power and dominance and I was looking for something more inner. So another morning I was again doing laundry on the roof and thinking about it, and was thinking that I wanted a song lyric that symbolized courage, and was going over Tool lyrics in my head, mainly the song "Lateralus" for whatever reason. And then I picked up this tiny t-shirt (there were some interesting ones with all kinds of logos and sayings) to hang up to dry and looked at it and it said, "Learn to Swim" on the shirt.

It was perfect. It's a Tool lyric that to me has everything to do with courage and finding one's own way, the courage to swim against the current. In fact, for awhile I was going to call my book Learning to Swim, and there's just been a lot of swimming and drowning symbolism in my life and I've had a lot of spiritual experiences involving swimming and water. So that's what I got, on my left upper arm (I knew for years that's where I'd get my second tattoo so that was a no-brainer). I got it in purple, in a style called Goddess Script, and felt good about it being on my left side, which is the side of the body that's traditionally related to moon energy, to the subconscious, the intuitive, the heart, the inner, deeper, the feminine, and these things all symbolized the more inner courage I was trying to get at.

What was really cool was that Graham got "water" in Hindi, Willa got an anchor and "deep" in Hindi (and a spiral), Hilary got "beauty" in Hindi, and we figured out that if you put our tattoos together, it's "Learn to swim in deep, beautiful water." And that was completely unintentionally awesome. It was such a bonding experience.

Anyway, the point, if there is one, is that the tattoo to me sort of symbolizes some of the whole bit about feeling like I'm not the same person I was when I left the country. What was cool was that both of the trip leaders referenced my "learn to swim" as we were leaving. Karen mentioned it in my "exit interview" thingy that I was writing about yesterday, and both of the leaders wrote us each cards and Andrew referenced it in my card. It just feels like the symbolic phrase signifying the inner changes.

But I also look really different. I've never really had short hair, and when it's been semi-short I've never liked it, but it looks different this time, and I do like it, and it's way shorter than ever before, and still pink. It really changes the way I look big time. And I think I carry myself differently too. Actually my sense of my body has probably changed more than my appearance. I was sick a lot as a kid, and always had the feeling I had a pretty weak constitution, below par immune system, susceptible to being blown about by the wind. Well, I was in the land of foreign diseases (one person in our group got e. coli and another got giardia) and was remarkably not sick. I think I was actually the least sick of anyone in the group, which I never in a million years would've suspected. And I never really felt jetlag. Even though my sleep schedule's been off and I felt tired from traveling, I really never felt anything yesterday and got up at a normal hour today. I never got carsick or even close to it, and trust me when I say we were on some carsick inducing bus/train/especially jeep rides (we also pretty much never wore seatbelts as most vehicles in India don't have them) and was just totally fine, even thoroughly enjoying the bumps and sharp turns and rockin' and rollin'. And I had zero trouble with the high altitude of Ladakh, and never felt lightheaded when we were on the really high passes or any of that. I knew the moment I stepped off the plane in Leh that I'd have no problem with the altitude (I'd been worried). Overall, I felt like I was a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, which expanded things for me in a way.

It's definitely more inner change, which is almost harder to integrate. I just don't feel the same inside, and coming back here, I'm afraid of losing that, of getting small, shrinking back, because things here do feel smaller. I do feel more courageous, more outspoken, less willing to take shit. I felt at times in the group that I drifted away in some ways from the ones I felt closest to, which felt sad at times, but I also think rather than a separation it was more me finding my own way and following my own path and following it. I think that's important, and something I was really looking for. Authenticity was another big goal for me, and I feel like I clearly made progress on that. I did a lot of journaling and inner work on the trip, and I feel like I covered some major ground and was in a really good place and able to see some things and have a lot of insights and realizations that were tremendously meaningful.

I thought a lot about myself in relationships, how though I've been single a lot, there's always somebody that I'm super into or someone I'm getting over, and I always have these intense crushes (at one point I went back to starting when I was like thirteen and went chronologically through my life and basically realized there was no time without this sort of intense feeling for an ever-changing someone else) and focus all my energy, practically live my life with someone else at the center, and usually that other person is like, the most unlikely person in whatever situation I'm in (including famous people and fictional characters, hahaha, I'm only sort of joking about the last one) so it's pretty much always unrequited, almost like on some unconscious level I'm seeking validation or love in places or people that won't or can't give it, so perpetuating a cycle of feeling rejected and unlovable and all kinds of bullshit. And in the meanwhile, always throwing my energy away. It's an incredibly unhealthy pattern and I realized that what I constantly seek for in others, I really have to find within. It's obvious, and it's something I've always known and thought about, but never really embraced, b/c it's easy to keep overlooking that when you're feeding yourself a constant stream of crushes on unavailable people and giving all your energy to trying to make them love you. That was the big picture, and I also had a lot of supporting realizations and observations about myself in love.

All that said, I have to say I do miss seeing lots of gorgeous exotic looking foreign men.

I also had a lot of insights and clarity about other areas of my life, and observations about how I operate and what I do and don't want to continue doing. I had a lot of ceremonial letting go of different things (my group knows I'm a big fan of ceremonial fire). A big unspoken goal of the trip was to re-awaken my spiritual side, which had felt a bit dead for some time. I felt beyond cynical, almost like I had an allergy to the idea of, and even the word spirituality for awhile there. I wasn't writing. I was avoiding everything, wouldn't even journal, didn't want to be alone with myself ever and my thoughts and had no belief in anything. This was all so unlike me, for my whole life no matter what I was going through, even when I was young, I always felt like I had an eye towards the spiritual (albeit in an earth-nature-sky-water loving way, and never a religious way), towards depth, towards self-awareness, personal growth, communing with the unseen, mystery, and all of that. So being without that made me feel a bit dead inside, but I couldn't seem to get out of the rut. That quickly changed in India, and part of that is because of Willa, who embodies spirituality and has so much wisdom. I found myself having profound experiences on rooftops under moonlight, or having spiritual revelations while rushing through the streets of Calcutta and felt that side of me re-awakened. I was writing like a madwoman during most of the trip, was seeking out and spending time in solitude, sometimes in nature, or just outside by myself on rooftops and felt a connection that had felt lost forever. It was amazing.

All in all, I feel bigger, stronger, and like I want different things out of life than when I left, and Orcas, though distance has made my heart feel fonder for the island and the nature here is nourishing to my soul in a way it was craving, just feels too small for me. And that really is factoring into what I'm thinking as far as school. It became really clear to me that what I'm looking for when I go back to school is not just academics or a degree, but to be somewhere where my spiritual and creative artistic sides feel nurtured and supported, somewhere that really fits me, and that it's a lot more important than the name of the school or anything like that.

Speaking of schools, I got rejected from my first choice school, which was a hard pill to swallow. As I told Nina at some point during the trip, I'm not used to academic rejection, at all. I only got turned down from one school when I applied as a senior in high school and by that point I didn't want to go there so it didn't really register. This did. I have to say a part of me felt relieved in a weird way, maybe just to know, or maybe it really wouldn't have been a good match - I think that's possible even though I had the most incredible experience there. But most of me felt sad. I only found out a few days ago, in Agra, soon after visiting the Taj. It's a loss for sure, but sometimes, as Julia Cameron would say, gain is disguised as lost. I do trust that, that it's probably a blessing in disguise. To add to that, my second choice school totally lost my financial aid papers (which I filed in January) and it's now way past the deadline and aid has been distributed and I'd need a considerable amount of aid to be able to go there, so, yeah, maybe another blessing in disguise as well. At least, it feels that way, like internally even though both of these things were big disappointments, I can't shake the feeling that they are also somehow right, and so I trust that feeling.

It leaves me with four major choices (and possibly trying to renegotiate my financial aid situation with the fifth), which all have strong pros and cons that are hard to weigh out. I know where I'm leaning, strongly, and I'm pretty sure that's where my ultimate decision will take me, but still questioning as well, b/c it has its cons and a few months ago I did not think I'd think this way, but again, times have changed. I'm also paying attention to signs and synchronicities, and the fact that an author I love and have blogged about is teaching a class there next semester. So we'll see, I have exactly a week to figure my shit out.

It's just sort of hard, being back here, sorting through the piles of mail from colleges, being in the same apartment I left, in a way going through the motions of my old life, to know where the newer self fits in. I don't want it to feel like I never went to India, which in a really surreal way I did sort of feel yesterday. It's just so strange being back to the place I was before with everything pretty much the same. I don't want to fall into the same patterns, go back to the spiritual deadness or other crappy habits. I'm not going back to my old job, I can't, it would be too much self-betrayal. I don't know who said it, but I'm thinking it's really true that you can never go home again. I feel really out of place. A part of me doesn't even want to stay on Orcas for the summer, but I also made a list of goals while here so maybe the integration is worth it and not something to flee from, and resting before rallying for the next big change. It just feels like this life doesn't really fit anymore, and I don't want it to, and that's okay.

Currently Listening:
"Chasing Cars" - Snow Patrol - another Grey's song that was stuck in my head a lot while in India. It randomly popped into my head during the first time I walked around Calcutta at night on my own, and was the one song that played twice while I was getting my tattoo. Graham and I were saying how this song comes up at such a crucial point in Grey's (she's my Grey's buddy) and how much we wanted to be able to watch the show together. What is interesting though is we were thinking of two different storylines that are going on when this song plays (she was thinking of Meredith and Derek, I was thinking of Alex and Izzie). Speaking of Grey's, I can't wait to catch up, though I've heard rumors that things are going pretty downhill. Anyway, the song.

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Home Sweet Home?

2009-05-07T23:49:00.000-07:00

I miss India.

I've been home for less than twelve hours, and let me tell you, it feels fuckin' weird. Let me back up first though, because there was a lot in the last few days of the trip that I'd love to recount.

So, Ladakh was the shit, totally one of the most gorgeous places I've ever been, in so many ways. And it was kind of cool being in a smaller group (though I definitely missed the others) b/c we got to meet up and travel with other people traveling from other countries, like Erez from Israel who was hilarious and loud and talked a bit like Borat and wore these lime green pants all the time and was always making dirty jokes. The pronunciation lesson I couldn't share on the group blog (see link in previous post) was the difference between "fact" and "fucked." It was awesome.

On another funny note, we traveled with a German woman named Astrid who told us about some sex ashram in Pune called the Osho ashram (and strangely enough, I used to have an Osho tarot deck, which wasn't at all a sex oriented deck, unfortunately), and Desmond was having her translate Rammstein (a german metal band) lyrics, which was hysterical, b/c she had headphones in, so was talking really loud in the back of the jeep, on our way through Nubra Valley, yelling out translations like, "I don't want to masturbate!" and a whole slew of other crazy lyrics.

We also traveled with Ambre from France, and it was really fun sharing a room with her. She really bonded with Karen, and might actually end up working on an art abroad project with her.

I was not overstating in that last post about the military presence in Ladakh - it was everywhere. The first night in Hundar (in the nubra valley) the only place to eat at all was some army "restaurant." And there were Indian army vehicles everywhere. Coming back from the Valley, we had to cross the pass by a certain time b/c after that it was all the green army trucks. One of the days that we were in the Valley we heard something that really sounded like gunfire, though we never heard anything about it on the news or from our host family back in Leh. Our host said she thought maybe what we'd heard was from within Pakistan but I don't think we were really close enough. Who knows? Anyway Ben tried to tell me when we were hearing the gunfire, that it was nuclear war, and then he and Desmond made fun of me for how much I would freak out if it really was (who wouldn't???). Even in the city of Leh, walking around, you'd see tons of military dudes. I guess th at is what happens when you are traveling within Kashmir.

I also definitely didn't overstate the amazingness of Ladakh - just wait until I figure out how to load pictures onto the computer. I took over 600 on the trip and I think over 100 of those were from the nine days in Ladakh. I'm definitely going back someday, and also want to explore other areas of India as well, like Kerala and other parts of the southern regions.

So we flew from Leh back to Delhi and then took a train to Agra to meet the other half of our group and see the Taj Mahal, which like a lot of things in India, has lots of pot plants growing right around it. Okay I have to say, I was not that impressed by the Taj - it doesn't BEGIN to compare to the awesomeness of the Golden Temple, in looks, vibe, people, anything. And I didn't like Agra. I don't think there is any other city in India I can say that about, but omg we got hassled there way more than anywhere else. It felt like we got swamped anytime we ventured outside, just hounded left and right! And at one point, I was walking with Karen and Andrew to go to some sunset boat ride by the Taj which we never actually did and some monkey kept coming at us, mostly at Karen (it seemed to be reacting to her camera or something), which was pretty scary for a moment there!

I got my hair cut a final time in Agra, the shortest cut yet, almost a bob. I am loving it. It feels so different.

Then we took an "express train" back to Delhi, and we got some other sort of tickets, last minute, like standby tickets, which basically meant we could ride the train but had no assigned seats. So all those other times we took trains where random people would be sitting in our seats and we had to ask them to move, well this time we were those people. So a lot of us ended up having to get out of the seats we found and standing or cramming into seats. And to make it that much more pleasant, the train barely moved for the first, oh I don't know, four hours maybe (the whole trip was supposed to be three), just inched along. We got in sooooo late back to our home base in Delhi, the Shelton. The next morning, Willa and I were so conked out it took us like half an hour to realize our leaders were knocking on our door to wake us up.

Then began all the ending stuff that goes along with a trip like this. We each had a closing meeting with each of the leaders, which made me a little nervous, but actually both went really well. Karen told me she felt like I was the glue that held the group together, and we talked a lot about different parts of the trip, especially the trek, which felt like a real turning point in the trip for me. I think it was after that that I stopped wanting to go home. Andrew told me he was sure I would have been fine traveling in India by myself if I had decided to stay longer. That was cool to hear, b/c there's still that part of me that has doubts.

That night we had our last dinner, a fancy dinner in a rotating restaurant on the 24th floor of a building. It was cool. Since it was the last night, and no one could get in trouble for breaking the "group agreements" we (almost) all ordered drinks. I walked into a glass wall on our way out which everyone said is because I was tipsy but I've done that sober, and think it's more a vision thing. This was definitely not the first time I drank in India. There were a few "cultural exchange" instances when we were allowed to drink, like when we were on the trek and the villagers served us millet beer and rice wine, or when I kind of accidentally ended up going to dinner with Des and Andrew to the house of Mr. Sikkim, where we were also served millet beer, which I think actually tastes great and wish I could have some right now. Something about it was earthy and hearty. And then I got drunk twice in ways that weren't allowed - I went to a bar with a group member in Darjeeling (my idea) and got drunk with three others one night in McLeod Ganj, like obnoxiously obviously drunk, right before one of the leaders was coming over to have dinner with my homestay family! It was a close call, but somehow, to the amazement to everyone in the group who saw me wasted, rallied myself and played sober and pulled it off. It was incredibly fun, and I think part of it was b/c the experience was so rare. In the end of the trip, we all fessed up to whatever we had done during the trip, which was fun too.

Speaking of debauchery, during our last day, we were leaving at night, so in the afternoon were having a group meeting on the roof of our hotel, where there's a restaurant, and most of the group members, myself included ordered the infamous bhang lassi - how can you leave India not at least having that experience? So we ordered "magic lassi" and mine was especially loaded. It still sort of blows my mind that we could just order it like that, that it was on the menu, and that it cost about $1.20. Only in India. So yeah, we were riiiiiidiculous. I was still feeling it when we got on the plane, like eight hours later.

We said goodbye to Karen outside the Shelton Hotel, as she's staying to travel further, and is probably in Nepal with her boyfriend right now, doing some awesome trekking. I slept through the first flight (to Hong Kong) completely, and then when we got to the HK airport, we found a spot and all conked out. I passed out on the floor for hours. Then we drank champagne, ate lunch (time was just sooooo fucked at that point it was pretty much irrelevant), and boarded our cross-Pacific flight. THat's when I started to get really sad about saying goodbye and leaving India. I watched The Reader, Revolutionary Road and Slumdog Millionaire (finally) on the way home. Graham and I sync'd it so we were watching Slumdog exactly together on our personal screens. It made me miss India terribly, just seeing the trains and the people and the images of India.

At SFO, we started to trickle out one by one, Hilary and I being the last to leave. I had to get a hotel room b/c my flight was early morning and they wouldn't let me check in during the evening (I'd planned on sleeping at the airport) so Hill and I hung out and raved over the pleasures of using a REAL western toilet with toilet paper and other modern conveniences, and the whole room felt so luxurious it was almost disorienting. After Hilary left, I passed out, at like six in the evening, woke up four hours later, slept for a while later and then slept another few hours. I took a bath and felt the cleanest I had in three months (bucket showers and quick showers in freezing water, or hot water that could turn ice cold at any moment, just aren't the same). And oh yeah, drank some tap water, which felt really weird after being so vigilant about not getting tap water in me under any circumstances, it just felt weird to brush my teeth with tap water. It was nice to not be thinking about giardia (sp?) or dysentery.

I woke up at some point during that night, feeling really sad and out of place to be back in America, and really wishing I was still in India. The chaos starts to make sense after awhile, and I have definitely been having some reverse culture shock.

This morning I got up early, went to the airport, flew to Seattle and back to Orcas. THe lovely Jan picked me up at the airport. It feels so surreal to be back. My apartment is so tidy and wonderful and welcoming and the island was a really welcome sight - just the amount of trees and greenery was a comfort to my soul. Still it just feels so weird. I mean in one sense it feels like I never left, like the whole trip to India was just a dream. I'm coming back to the same place, which looks the same, with the same people, listening to the same music, and on and on. On the other hand, nothing is the same. I have more to say about all of this, but it's getting late and I want to get on a semi-normal sleep schedule.

Currently Listening:
"A Bitter Song" - Butterfly Boucher - I had this song stuck in my head a LOT during my trip, it was a random song that consistently I'd find myself absently singing, and once I had a dream about it.

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
I feel better
I feel better

Catching up

2009-05-01T03:53:00.000-07:00

So, a handful of group blogs to catch you all up on, as much has happened in the last few weeks.

Right now I'm in Ladakh, which is part of Kashmir, and it is the coolest place I have been so far. It's unbelievably gorgeous, and the stars here MIGHT rival those you can see from Orcas. The mountains are amazing and the trees here are awesome. The air is fresh (and thin, it's pretty high elevation) and the sky is soooo blue. The only thing it comes close to reminding me of is the time I lived in Flagstaff, AZ, which is also high elevation, but not nearly as high (we're at 11,500 ft right now). I am definitely coming back here someday.

There is definitely a military presence here, which makes sense given the region. We went right up to the border of Tibet (which really was not even marked in any way at the Pangong Lake) and as far north as foreigners can go, about 100km from the border of Pakistan, in the Nubra Valley. On the pass there and back there were a lot of military vehicles and all of that.

Anyway here are recent group blog posts, in order

Rogue Travel Begins - Nina's post

Varanasi, One Billion Degrees - Hilary's post

Sitting On Top of the World - my post

And stay tuned, Ben is posting an update from our Ladakh crew to the group blog as I type, so it should be there shortly!

Stressed Out in McLeod Ganj

2009-04-19T23:13:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, how's it going out there???

Well, after Deer Park we took a taxi to McLeod Ganj, right by Dharamsala, which I touched on a little bit in the last post. A lot of people in my group are loving it and loving the homestays, I am definitely not. It's just stress central on soooo many levels. I decided not to stay on longer - for a lot of reasons, and so I'll be going home on the regularly scheduled group flight, which should be fun. It's kind of a bummer not to be staying but I am also so ready to be home, to not be around zillions of people all the time (that's one of the things that bugs me most about the homestays, barely a moment of privacy or time to myself at all, ever, it's making me crazy), and to chill out.

And then there is the college deal - I've heard from and been accepted at all the schools I applied to, except there is one more I have yet to hear from, and they all want deposits in like, ten days. YIKES! There are a lot of things complicating that, like one school hasn't told me if I got into my program (and that is really the only reason I want to go there, it'd be a definite deal-breaker), and I'm having a lot of trouble accessing financial aid package info from all of them. That is obviously a key factor in my decision and so I've just been spending hours each day emailing with schools and trying to see how I can get my fin aid info, but a lot of it is leading to dead ends and is just super frustrating. I feel like so much of my time and my energy this past month has been geared towards trying to figure this all out and work something out before these deposits are due, and it's just been an endless ring fo frustration that feels like it is really detracting, more and more, from my time here in India, and is a big part of why I decided not to stay longer. I don't want to lose my spot at any of these schools and it is hard to do any sort of ranking (like say, mail in deposits to a few top choices) b/c I just have no idea what the aid looks like! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It makes me want to scream most days.

It sucks too b/c I worked my ass off so hard to get everything done before I left, get every freakin' form and piece of paperwork done. Tons of forms and photocopies and scholarship applications and essays, so I guess it feels like I worked like hell to get all my ducks in a row so I wouldn't have to worry about this in India, and now it's like I'm spending hours every day in front of a computer screen, trying to find ways to access info and running in circles! I am goign to ask the schools for an extension so I can look at everything once I get home, and call during normal hours and all of that, so we'll see how that goes!

Deer Park - Graham's post on the group blog

2009-04-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

Check it out:

Deer Park

We're now in McLeod Ganj, home of the Dalai Llama and tibetans in exile from CHina, staying with individual families. It's a trip. The family I'm staying with is pretty much all men except for my homestay Amala (mom). There is the Pala (dad) and three of his brothers and two of his sons, one of whom is now twenty days old!

We're doing internships here, in all kinds of stuff. This place is sort of hippie town central. I'm doing my internship in Reiki - a bunch of us tried to do one in astrology but we just aren't here long enough, and we are all at really different levels. It's pretty open-ended here.

Amritsar and the Border

2009-04-06T06:09:00.000-07:00

Another quickie blog here from Amritsar, not far from the Golden Temple.

Gotta talk about the border first b/c that was one wild adventure. Our group went to the India-Pakistan border yesterday to watch the closing ceremony they have every day (there is also an opening ceremony every morning). I forget wh at the exact place is called but it is the only place where people can actually cross the border from one country to another (we couldn't do that, you need Visas and all that, we were just there for the show). It was wild. First off, we saw tons of marijuana growing along the road on the way there, just humungous pot plants. I tried to get pictures but failed. The other thing we saw lots of were trucks full of sacks of potatoes.

So at the actual border, the gates weren't even open until 4pm. Before that we hung out at this little rest stop sort of area where people kept trying to sell us CDs, DVDs and Indian flags, as well as tried to get us to buy shnhacks, drins and beer (which we couldn't, this trip is alcohol and drug free), so then the gates to go to the border opened and it was like a total stampede moshpit. At one point I pulled WIlla Rose out of the way of a moving car. It was mayhem. We got separated by gender and searched twice. Ben got us somehow to be able to go in to sections of bleachers closer to the border. There was recorded Indian music playing and on our way to the bleachers, passing super super close to the border we got good earshot of the music playing on the Pakistani side as well. So basically for awhile it felt like a huge outdoor concert with people in bleachers, music blaring on both sides, kids dancing down at the bottom of bleachers near the border, people walking by our section with huge Indian flags, etc. At other points, more as the cermeony got underway, it felt like a national rally, with chanting and call and repeats about India (Hindustan) that I mostly couldn't understand. I also couldn't see a lot of what went on, and my camera's zoom feature was how I caught what I did catch. Took lots of video and my camera battery died midway through. Anyway there was a lowering of flags on both sides, and I was told there were handshakes between people of the two countries. I definitely saw lots of guys in army uniform down by the border, and throughout the procession to the bleachers, as well as guys in fatigues. it was wild. On one hand, for a pretty hostile border in the world, it felt way more festive than I would have imagined, and on the other hand, there was lots and lots of India pride going on, and the chanting stuff was a little intimidating. It was so wild to think the whole process happens twice a day. We were on the bleachers for a good two and a half hours. It was a pretty unique and memorable experience.

On the way out we were again accosted by people trying to sell us stuff, and the smell of jasmine flowers. It was so overpowering, and is one of my favorite smells in the world. It felt like, on the way back out to the taxi, I was walking th rough fields of jasmine tea, the smell was so strong and delicious.

After that we went to the Golden Temple -- we went the evening before as well -- which was awesome. That place is amazing. It's pretty open, and we ate dinner there in mass feeding, which was awesome to experience, and delicious. THen we slept there. We were part of a handlful of westerners (at both places that day), so we had a lot of people staring at us, taking pics of us, taking pictures with us, asking us questions. I had a lot of guys come up to me and tell me my pink hair is beautiful, which was cool. One guy was like, "I have seen everything in my life, but not hair like that." We talked to a lot of cool people. THen we slept in the temple, outside under the moon, with chanting at all hours. It was incredible. At one point I was asleep and some guys came by and picked up two water bottles of group membrs that were near me (I was watching a lot of stuff as others were wandering around) and I was immediately awake and alert, thinking they were trying to steal our stuff. Instead they put the water bottles under an unoccupied sleeping bag, so as to hide them, told me to be careful of our luggage, and asked me to put my hand through a loop on my backpack to make sure it'd be secure. It was wild how many helpful and cool people we met.

Also gotta say that the per capita amount of hot dudes in Amritsar is awesome, there are beautiful men everywhere (but none I'm quite as fond of as Snoop the driver from Sikkim), which is just one of the many reasons I am really liking Amritsar and the state of Punjab.

Today went to the Silver Temple, a Hindu temple with a lot of silver amazing doors, and a small shrine to Durga, as well as statues and paintings of other Hindu deities. It was cool, I am developing a stronger and stronger affinity for Durga all the time, but it was also in the pouring rain. Half of our group went on to the next location, but I stayed with a few others in order to experience the temple, sri Durgiana, and also to experience the Golden Temple some more, eat there again, maybe hlep out with the feeding. FOr those that don't know, the GT is the holy place for Sikhs, and it has a pool of holy water in the middle, which is awesome, and also does mass feeding of anyone. It's all systematic, you go in and get plates and spoons and sit on the floor in rows (in a huge hall with mass amounts of people), and people come by with rice pudding, some curried stuff, dhal and chipatti bread) and then you eat and clean up and then go get chai in same fashion. ASpparently the GT feeds anywhere from 10,000 to 40,000 people a day! It is really incredible to see in operation! Feeding and inclusiveness of all peoples are supposed to be features of all Sikh temples.

Oh, I cannot forget, I have to talk about Delhi! TO get to Amritsar, we had to take a long ride from Darjeeling to fly to Delhi, where we stayed overnight to get up early and catch a train to Amritsar. So we stayed at the same hotel we originally stayed at when we first got to India, almost two months ago. SO this was like Delhi: Revisited, and it was a compltetely different expereince. The driving and traffic from the airport didn't phase me at all, or anyone else in the group. We barely got approached by beggars in Pahar Ganj (the area where the h otel is), I think partly b/c we're accostomed to the country by now, and with time here, our postures and b ody language have changed. I felt like a different person that I did when I firt arrived in Delhi. It didn't feel overwhelming at all, and it actually flet good to be in more typi8cal India with crazy traffic, lots of noise and activities, massive people, etc. I was loving it! It felt like a good measuring stick in a way, to see how far we've come in the last almost two months. I even walked around by myself at night for a short while (when we first arrived, I was terrified walking around in a group in broad daylight), so it felt awesome. THere was also a massive parade going on, which was cool to see.

I have been going back and forth about this for awhile now, and thought up until recently that I would end up going home with the group on May 5th, but as of a few days ago, after the trek and after the experience in Delhi, I've decided I want to stay longer, just by about two and a half weeks or so, probably with another girl in my group and travel around. We aren't sure yet what we want to do, but the airline allows one free change on the return flight so it feels like it'd be a crime not to take advantage of that and be in the country a bit longer. So that'll be early to late May. And as of now, it's wide open as far as where to go and w hat to do. We've got lots of ideas running around. My friend wants to visit Amma, a guru I don't know much about, I'm thinking about meditation courses, but mostly just feeling open and wanting to travel and experience the world more. We are going to party though, since we kinda can't now. So....suggestions? Story Teller? I'm up for an adventure! I feel like my thrill seeking side has dfeinitely been ignited a bit as of late.

Further Itinerary

2009-04-02T01:55:00.000-07:00

This was originally a reply I wrote to Story Teller on the last post, but it got kind of lengthy and seemed more like a post, so here it is:

Hey story teller, where in India are you located exactly???

It seems the droughts have been a pretty big problem in Sikkim.

So, not on my way home yet. In Darjeeling now, and tomorrow flying to Delhi so we can take a train to Amritsar (and I think we'll also visit Lahore, right on the Pakistani border while in Amritsar, I'm certainly hoping to. From there we go to Bir and McLeod Ganj, and after that, our group has two weeks of free travel, and we're pretty sure that what we'll do with our free travel time is go to Ladakh, it was a pretty clear consensus.

It's interesting because, seven years ago when I was in school, taking a class called Environmental Humanities, we watched a movie called Learning from Ladakh (which is also a book, which I was psyched to see cited in my good friend Janet Thomas' bibliography to her book The Battle in Seattle, about the WTO Demonstrations). The video was about how Ladakh was for a long time untouched by western civilization, partly because of how remote and how high altitude it is.

The movie went on to show how drastically the place changed once they were in touch with modern civilization, and how it had a devastating effect (despite some advanced medicine and other more positive things) on cultural tradition and preservation, and how disrupted and polluted it got. I brought this up during our free travel talk, and someone else mentioned that yeah, tourism can have pretty bad side effects in that region, so we're looking into low impact ecologically sound travel.

It sounds like there'll be some really cool things to do there, it's a spiritually rich place, and there's also some trekking and rafting, and camel trips that involve camping under the stars, way high in the Himalayas. I'm interested in all of the above. THere's supposed to be one intense 6,000 meter (I think?) hike that goes to really high altitude, but is supposed to be a pretty easy hike. If there is ANY way I can do it, I'm all fucking for it! It'd be such an amazing and rare experience to be there and experience that.

After that we're going back to Delhi for our flight home, but getting back there a day or two before our flight so we can go to Agra and see the Taj Mahal before leaving the country.

So there's still over a month left!

Current Music:
Well, via others' iPods I have recently heard Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, Tool, Damien Rice and a few others to feed my need for music I love. It struck me the other day, and struck me as symbolic, that I haven't thought of the song "Scratch" that I mentioned in the very beginning of my India journey. It was stuck in my head immediately upon landing in Delhi, mainly the lines, "I have ended up in India, with no lamp to guide me home, the strangest place I think I've ever been..." but I haven't really thought of it since sometime in Varanasi, and that seemed so fitting. I don't know if there's anything in particular I'm craving at the moment, but I will be happy to be reunited with my music soemtime next month!

Trekkin' - my post on the group blog

2009-03-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

Check it out:

Trekkin'

Also, keep checking the blog, I think Andrew's going to post some articles and websites that are about some of the issues, like dams/etc, we learned about while in Sikkim, and about some of the organizations regarding those issues that our host family members are involved in.

Updates of a MOre Personal Nature

2009-03-29T03:53:00.000-07:00

All right, trying to give some drive by updates of my own, as quickly as possible, b/c time is soooo of the essence, as always.

First off, I found out yesterday that I got into two colleges - Western Washington University (Fairhaven College), and Suffolk University. Woo hoo! I'm only waiting to hear from two more schools, Reed and Emerson, and then it'll be decision making time. So that was pretty exciting.

Let's see what else? I got a tattoo in Calcutta, can't wait to show people at home. Was listening to some Greyl's music as I got it done. It really barely hurt, nothing at all like my first one.

GOt a major haircut in Calcutta as well, by WIlla Rose from my group, on the rooftop of the monastery where we stayed. IT was at a very spiritually poignant moment and felt really symbolic. THen my hair got colored pink during HOli, which is written about in a few of the group blog posts, and I can't get it out, it's still BRIGBHT pink, and yesterday I got another haircut, so I'm rockin' the short look. I'm happy to be going through so many physical changes b/c it feels like I'm going through so many internal changes.

Spent the last two weeks in Sikkim, a state in NOrthern INdia, in the HImalayas, at an awesome group homestay (and had my own room the whole time, which I couldn't be happier about), with great food. We also volunteered at a micro hydro-electric project, which I had some major, major moral concerns about, was wondering how I"d sleep at night b/c of environmental impact, but it was actually a cool experience, and had very, very minimal impact (I honestly would have refused to do it otherwise) and got to know a distant village. Then we went on a Himalayan Trek, which I thought was fucking awesome. IT was difficult, esp. for me, I was the slowest, hiking down narrow trails on the sides of cliffs at high elevation, in pouring rain and thunderstorms. It felt awesome at the end of it all!

Anyway, wrapping things up here tonight, cooking for our homestay family, and tomorrow we are taking off for Darjeeling!

Updates

2009-03-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

Time is limited so group blog posts will have to suffice. I'm waaaaay behind ;and there's sooooo much I'd love to include, but for now:

Hilary's post: Holi Heck!

Nina's post: Feelings: India

Ben and Willa Rose's post: ROCKIN IN SIKKIM

And I think I'm up for the next group blog post, about the Himalayan trek, so, stay tuned!

This Is India (T.I.I.) - Desmond's post on the group blog

2009-03-10T01:18:00.000-07:00

Still in Calcutta. Sooooo much to say, and soooo little time, so this will have to suffice for now. On Thursday we leave for Sikkim, which we are all pretty excited for. Tomorrow is Holi, and we're all excited for that too!

Desmond's post

Day Two in Kolkata

2009-03-01T00:32:00.000-08:00

We arrived here in Kolkata on Saturday morning, but not without some adventure or misadventure. We took an overnight train from Bodhgaya, and a group member had her purse stolen as she was sleeping. It's freaky b/c she was sleeping on her purse, and someone reached in the window (on a moving train!) pushed her head out of the way and grabbed it. She was almost able to get it in time, but couldn't. She had a lot of personal items in there, including a diary. So that was a bit of a sobering experience. She and I were both on the bottom seats of the sleeper car on the train and I barely slept all night because thre were so many people congregating and staring at us and making noise. I kept drifting off to wake up to find people sitting on the edges of our seats. At one point I woke up to see someone walk down our aisle, looking official and with a paper in hand, so I thought it was a train worker, but now I think it was someone scoping out the scene as far as what they could steal.

Then we arrived at our hotel in Kolkata, and it's been creepville! Some of the hotel workers themselves seem to be creeps, one followed a group member onto an elevator, others have been staring at us, trying to talk to/touch us, or just being general creepers. One room of two girls in our group had their door/lock rattled in the middle f the night. We are getting out of there as soon as possible - a few group members are scoping out places so we can secure a better place to stay. The whole area we are in is pretty much the same asthe hotel, just creep central, and chaotic.

Tomorrow we have our orientation at the Mother Theresa Home for the Destitute, which should be a difficult but rewarding experience. I'm a little nervous about it, I have heard there will be seriously malnourished and dying children, which is going to be hard to witness, but also I think there is something to be said for witnessing that side of human life and suffering. I am sure it will be an emotional experience. We'll be here in Kolkata and volunteering for a week and a half. We may also take a side trip to Diamond Harbor where the Ganga meets the Bay of Bengal, and to some wild wildlife preserves, where there are tigers and crocodiles and dolphins. I'm psyched for that.

As a city, Kolkata reminds me a lot of Delhi, the same kind of craziness, lots of beggars, lots of people just everywhere, and it feels like a lot are trying to rip us off. Wehre we are, Sudder Street, is sort of the backpackers district (comparable to Pahar Ganj where we were in Delhi), so full of people trying to get money or other things from us, and lots of staring. Haven't seen nearly as many animals, or animal poo here, but it's super crowded and the streets are nuts! And also the streets are really uneven and rocky and that can make navigation a challenge. I'm still in search of new shoes, and haven't found anything quite yet, though a shoe salesmen kissed me on the cheek and tried to feel me up! GROSS! The sketch/creep factor is through the roof here!

Last night, walking to dinner was an adventure. Some guy tried to feel the asses of the girls in our group (these people here are always trying to cop a feel, or undress and violate you with their eyes, and there are men EVERYWHERE, it is making us all a bit uncomfortable. Plus it was just sort of treacherous territory, very bumpy roads, mostly broken, with stuff all over the place. I actually held on to two people's hands b/c it was so nuts adn uneven and crazy. PLus we didn't really know where we were going, and to cross the street we literally walked amidst oncoming traffic, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. There is something thrilling about it too though.

There is a part of me that sort of likes the chaos (not the creepiness, just the masses of people and the general insanity). We will be here in Kolkata for Holi which I have heard is just nuts. Storyteller, is there anything you can tell me about Holi that I should be aware of?

Some things left out from Bodhgaya - that was also a place just full of beggars. Especially near the restaurants. We'd be eating and have people come up and ask us for our food. The first night I had ordered samosas which were just too spicy for me to handle and this little boy kept asking for t hem, and I didn't give it to him b/c I thought if I did they would just swarm our table. I was going to give it to him when we were done but by the time we finished eating, he was gone, and there was no one else around. I felt so horrible. I mean, I can understand not gibing money, b/c we've heard that a lot of tit doesn't even go to the people begging, but to a "master" instead, but food, esp food that I wasn't going to finish, it seems to me sort of unforgiveable not to share it, so I felt really, really horrible about it. Those samosas went to waste, and they could have fed this really skinny young kid. A lot of the kids and babies and women begging are soooo tiny. Anyway the next day, I did give some extra food, mostly fruit, to beggars, and someone in my group gave a whole bag of food.

THere were also tons of dogs in Bodhgaya. At the monastary we were tsaying at, adn the Rot Institute where we had lectures and meditations, dogs would just wander around. The dogs too are very skinny for the most part. It is sad, I think a lot of the people and animals around here are pretty malnourished, and then to think about how much fucking food we waste in America, it's pretty unconcionable. Oh, at the ROot Institute, we also toured their free clinic, which was col and sad to see. There were soooo many people waiting for medical care. A doctor took us around the clinic (which some of our tuition money for this India program goes to) adn showed us everything. THey mix allopathic and homeopathic medicine, and it's almost all by donation if I understood correctly, and they do a lot of community outreach, with HIV/AIDS awareness programs, and they also go out into the surrounding areas and give medical care. I don't remember the numbers exactly, but it seems they work with just massive amounts of people.

The bugs in BOdhgaya were insane, I am just covered in bites, which actually seem to be getting better here in Kolkata. I was convinced that the mosquitos were actually attracted to my bug repellant.

It's at a point in the journey that I do sort o really miss hom. NOt in the way I did in the vry beginning, it's just sort of a dull ache, I feel like I hit a fresh wave of adjustment, and some crankiness since arriving in Kolkata. It's also really fucking hot here. But I am used to such cold summers at this point, that it's probably not really all that hot. Actually I just checked it out and it's in the upper 80s. I'm hoping it'll get cooler as we travel to the mountains, and I'm sure my body will also adjust over time. It is hard to imagine what kind of weather is going on on Orcas right now. We have barely seen clouds since we got here.

So I guess that is the run down for now. I feel like there is more I should say, but I can't think of what to say. Still reading "This Is Your Brain On Music" and loving it.

As for currently listening, there is someone in this cyber cafe playing a bunch of cheesy ass pop songs, like enrique inglasies (sp?), Bryan Adams' Summer of 69, and some super super cheesy boy bandish songs that I recognize but don't really know. OMG they just started playing "Goodbye My Lover" by James BLunt, which I like, and now just switched it to "QUit PLaying Games with my Heart" by the Backstreet Boys, eeeeek! It's going to get stuck in my head!

If I could hear any album right now, I would pick...LIttle Earthquakes by Tori Amos, I think. I haven't heard any Tori since I left, and one of the trip leaders brought up "Crucify," which made me totally want to hear it.

Bodhgaya - and my turn to post on the group blog

2009-02-27T03:20:00.000-08:00

Time is of the essence, so here is the link to what I just posted on the group blog. I am sure I will have more later!

India Group Blog Post

Headed to Kolkata/Calcutta tonight.

As for music, I got to borrow one of the trip leaders' iPods the last few days adn heard SO many songs I"ve been craving, including "Colors" mentioned in an earlier blog, some of my fave Jeff Buckley songs, "Svave ME" by Jem, "Sesaons" by Chris COnrell and "All NIght THing" by Temple of the DOg, some Pearl Jam, AIC and a bunch more, so not craving anything right now. Though I do really wish I could hear Damien RIce. And more Tool.

WIlla & Ben's post on India Group Blog

2009-02-23T00:59:00.000-08:00

India Group Blog

A Few Random THings Before Leaving Varanasi

2009-02-23T00:41:00.000-08:00

I had my shoes stolen outside a temple this morning. We were only there such a short while, and some of the guys in our group were joking about shoes getting stolen before we went in. I guess it's just something I've got to roll with, but it's definitely disappointing. They were great shoes, totally equipped for our Himalayan trek, waterproof and sturdy, and I'm feeling a little naked without them, but what can ya do?

We also saw an elephant walking through a street today, which almost made it all worthwhile. It was pretty cool to see.

I also feel like being here is going to help me be more assertive in life in general, b/c i feel like I have to be, with just about everythying. It should also help me learn to say no in a clear, strong way, b/c I constantly have to. Everywhere we go, there are people asking us to buy postcards or candles, or give them money, or go this place or that place, and on and on. And with things like crossing th e street, now that I"m going around on my own a few time s a day, you just have to be aggressive and there is no two ways about it, or you would just never cross the street ever. It's not something I'm confortable with, but again, part of being here on this trip is pushing my comfort zone, and learning, growing stretching, and I think it's great that part of an aspect of this journey might be me exercising assertiveness and boundaries.

There was a huge festival in honor of Shiva last night, and we had to stay in our guest house. Everyone from our local host to people at the local chai stand were telling us how dangerous it was, expecially for women. So we stayed in, and traveled as a group when we went to dinner.

Tomorrow morning, we are leaving for Bodhgaya, birthplace of BUddhism. We think we'll be staying at a temple, but not sure yet. We learned a bit about the place yesterday, and it is in the poorest state in India, where apparently there is a presence of leprosy. Oh and it is also a communist state. I wish I knew a lot more about the politics of India and hope to learn more as we go along our journey.

Another interesting note on the subject of politics is that our squatting toilets got clogged yesterday (our group used too much toilet paper for what those toilets can handle), and the people they had come and fix it were untouchables. I am pretty sure the caste system was outlawed awhile ago, maybe mid=century, but like a lot of inequal things in society with long histories of prejudice, it still exists.

TOday I got a book of Arundhati Roy's political writings, which should help me wise up a little bit . TO get credit for this trip I will have to write a few papers, so I'm hopin gto soak up all I can. I'm also wanting to take in as much as I can about eastern philosophyies and viewpoints. There is no end to what I want to learn in this life, let me tell you!

After Bodhgaya, we're headed on to Calcutta, which is the place I'm the most nervous about, but also the place I expect might be the most rewarding. There we will be volunteering at an orphanage, the Mother Theresa Home for the Destitute. It will be an journey, I'm sure.

All right, peace out.

Song I really wish I could hear right now:
"Colors" - Amos Lee

NY Times Article - pretty wild idea

2009-02-22T00:03:00.000-08:00

Passing on another article from the leaders, this one is from the NY TImes....

India Climate Solutions

Wild and Crazy Ideas - NY Times Article

So I am attending the Energy and Resources Institute climate conference in New Delhi, and during the afternoon session two young American women — along with one of their mothers — proposition me.

“Hey, Mr. Friedman,” they say, “would you like to take a little spin around New Delhi in our car?”

Oh, I say, I’ve heard that line before. Ah, they say, but you haven’t seen this car before. It’s a plug-in electric car that is also powered by rooftop solar panels — and the two young women, recent Yale grads, had just driven it all over India in a “climate caravan” to highlight the solutions to global warming being developed by Indian companies, communities, campuses and innovators, as well as to inspire others to take action.

They ask me if I want to drive, but I have visions of being stopped by the cops and ending up in a New Delhi jail. Not to worry, they tell me. Indian cops have been stopping them all across India. First, they ask to see driver’s licenses, then they inquire about how the green car’s solar roof manages to provide 10 percent of its mileage — and then they try to buy the car.

We head off down Panchsheel Marg, one of New Delhi’s main streets. The ladies want to show me something. The U.S. Embassy and the Chinese Embassy are both located on Panchsheel, directly across from each other. They asked me to check out the rooftops of each embassy. What do I notice? Let’s see .... The U.S. Embassy’s roof is loaded with antennae and listening gear. The Chinese Embassy’s roof is loaded with ... new Chinese-made solar hot-water heaters.

You couldn’t make this up.

But trying to do something about it was just one of many reasons my hosts, Caroline Howe, 23, a mechanical engineer on leave from the Yale School of Forestry and Environmental Studies, and Alexis Ringwald, a Fulbright scholar in India and now a solar entrepreneur, joined with Kartikeya Singh, who was starting the Indian Youth Climate Network, or IYCN, to connect young climate leaders in India, a country coming under increasing global pressure to manage its carbon footprint.

“India is full of climate innovators, so spread out across this huge country that many people don’t get to see that these solutions are working right now,” said Howe. “We wanted to find a way to bring people together around existing solutions to inspire more action and more innovation. There’s no time left to just talk about the problem.”

Howe and Ringwald thought the best way to do that might be a climate solutions road tour, using modified electric cars from India’s Reva Electric Car Company, whose C.E.O. Ringwald knew. They persuaded him to donate three of his cars and to retrofit them with longer-life batteries that could travel 90 miles on a single six-hour charge — and to lay on a solar roof that would extend them farther.

Between Jan. 1 and Feb. 5, they drove the cars on a 2,100-mile trip from Chennai to New Delhi, stopping in 15 cities and dozens of villages, training Indian students to start their own climate action programs and filming 20 videos of India’s top home-grown energy innovations. They also brought along a solar-powered band, plus a luggage truck that ran on plant oil extracted from jatropha and pongamia, plants locally grown on wasteland. A Bollywood dance group joined at different stops and a Czech who learned about their trip on YouTube hopped on with his truck that ran on vegetable-oil waste.

Deepa Gupta, 21, a co-founder of IYCN, told The Hindustan Times that the trip opened her eyes to just how many indigenous energy solutions were budding in India — “like organic farming in Andhra Pradesh, or using neem and garlic as pesticides, or the kind of recycling in slums, such as Dharavi. We saw things already in place, like the Gadhia solar plant in Valsad, Gujarat, where steam is used for cooking and you can feed almost 50,000 people in one go.” (See: www.indiaclimatesolutions.com.)

At Rajpipla, in Gujarat, when they stopped at a local prince’s palace to recharge their cars, they discovered that his business was cultivating worms and selling them as eco-friendly alternatives to chemical fertilizers.

I met Howe and Ringwald after a tiring day, but I have to admit that as soon as they started telling me their story it really made me smile. After a year of watching adults engage in devastating recklessness in the financial markets and depressing fecklessness in the global climate talks, it’s refreshing to know that the world keeps minting idealistic young people who are not waiting for governments to act, but are starting their own projects and driving innovation.
“Why did this tour happen?” asked Ringwald. “Why this mad, insane plan to travel across India in a caravan of solar electric cars and jatropha trucks with solar music, art, dance and a potent message for climate solutions? Well ... the world needs crazy ideas to change things, because the conventional way of thinking is not working anymore.”

Al GOre Editorial

2009-02-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

Our group leaders have been spamming us with India related articles, and I thought I'd pass them along for reader enjoyment and interest.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Editorial/COMMENT--Lets-Go-Green/articleshow/4162513.cms>Al Gore Editorial

Economic stimulus is the order of the day. This is as it must be, as governments around the world struggle to jump-start the global economy. But
even as leaders address the immediate need to stimulate the economy, so too must they act jointly to ensure that the new de facto economic model being developed is sustainable for the planet and our future on it.

What we need is both stimulus and long-term investments that accomplish two objectives simultaneously with one global economic policy response a policy that addresses our urgent and immediate economic and social needs and that launches a new green global economy. In short, we need to make 'growing green' our mantra.

First, a synchronised global recession requires a synchronised global response. We need stimulus and intense coordination of economic policy among all main economies. We must avoid the beggar-thy-neighbour policies that contributed to the Great Depression. Coordination is also vital for reducing financial volatility, runs on currencies and rampant inflation as well as for instilling consumer and investor confidence. In Washington last November, G20 leaders expressed their determination to enhance cooperation and work together to restore global growth and achieve needed reforms in the world's financial systems. This needs to happen urgently.

Stimulus is intended to jump-start the economy, but if properly conceived and executed it can also launch us on a new, low-carbon path to green growth. Some $2,250 billion of stimulus has already been announced by 34 nations. This stimulus, along with new initiatives by other countries, must help catapult the world economy into the 21st century, not perpetuate the dying industries and bad habits of yesteryear. Indeed, continuing to pour trillions of dollars into carbon-based infrastructure and fossil-fuel subsidies would be like investing in subprime real estate all over again.

Eliminating the $300 billion in annual global fossil fuel subsidies would reduce greenhouse gas emissions by as much as 6 per cent and would add to global gross domestic product. Developing renewable energy will help where we need it most. Already, developing economies account for 40 per cent of existing global renewable resources as well as 70 per cent of solar water heating capacity.

Leaders everywhere, notably in the US and China, are realising that green is not an option but a necessity for recharging their economies and creating jobs. Globally, with 2.3 million people employed in the renewable energy sector, there are already more jobs there than directly in the oil and gas industries. In the US, there are now more jobs in the wind industry than in the entire coal industry. President Barack Obama's and China's stimulus packages are a critical step in the right direction and their green components must be followed through urgently. We urge all governments to expand green stimulus elements, including energy efficiency, renewables, mass transit, new smart electricity grids and reforestation, and to coordinate their efforts for rapid results.

Second, we need 'pro-poor' policies now. In much of the developing world, governments do not have the option to borrow or print money to cushion the devastating economic blows. Therefore, governments in industrialised countries must reach beyond their borders and invest immediately in those cost-effective programmes that boost the productivity of the poorest. Last year, food riots and unrest swept more than 30 countries. Ominously, this was even before September's financial implosion, which sparked the global recession that has driven a further 100 million people deeper into poverty. We must act now to prevent further suffering and potential widespread political instability.

This means increasing overseas development assistance this year. It means strengthening social safety nets. It means investing in agriculture in developing countries by getting seeds, tools, sustainable agricultural practices and credit to smallholder farmers so they can produce more food and get it to local and regional markets. Pro-poor policy also means increasing investments in better land use, water conservation and drought-resistant crops to help farmers adapt to a changing climate, which if not addressed could usher in chronic hunger and malnutrition across large swathes of the developing world.

Third, we need a robust climate deal in Copenhagen in December. Not next year. This year. The climate negotiations must be dramatically accelerated and given attention at the highest levels, starting today. A successful deal in Copenhagen offers the most potent global stimulus package possible. With a new climate framework in hand, business and governments will finally have the carbon price signal businesses have been clamouring for, one that can unleash a wave of innovation and investment in clean energy. Copenhagen will provide the green light for green growth. This is the basis for a truly sustainable economic recovery that will benefit us and our children's children for decades to come.

For millions of people from Detroit to Delhi these are the worst of times. Families have lost jobs, homes, health care and even the prospect of their next meal. With so much at stake, governments must be strategic in their choices. We must not let the urgent undermine the essential. Investing in the green economy is not an optional expense. It is a smart investment for a more equitable, prosperous future.

Ban Ki-moon is UN secretary-general; Al Gore is a former US vice-president.