I ganked this one from Tara. I also semi-co-opted a few of her answers.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Sang onstage in front of a whole bunch of people (Orcas Idol tryouts - this year's are coming up on Saturday), went to a writer's conference, took a trip to the east coast that didn't involve seeing family, took care of a dog by myself for seven months, put a dog on a plane, did karaoke by myself, went to the hot springs at Doe Bay (which are clothing optional, and I opted for clothing, then left my bathing suit in the bathroom there after I changed back into my clothes), got full-length critiques of my book, worked at camp while living at home, saw my name in print...online, got certified mail from a magazine where something I wrote may possibly show up, read poetry at an open mic that wasn't local, read part of my memoir in NYC, completely revamped my manuscript (including changing my title), kidnapped a stuffed gorilla, got professionally fitted for bras, shopped at Victoria's Secret, received a DVD with soft-core porn on it as a present (a playgirl DVD) and other unmentionables.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I honestly don't remember if I made any, New Year's last year was a pretty dark and desperate time, I was probably too stressed and depressed to even consider it. Yes I will make some this year, and the first will be to sit down and make resolutions. As you can see, I'm a bit behind.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? The East Coast.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? A healthy, loving, passionate romantic relationship with great sex. Better credit. College acceptance letters, scholarships, an incredibly awesome financial aid package. Financial success for my writing (in 2007, I had some successes and none of them included that). A fling with Maynard from Tool (kidding). Or Hugh Laurie or Jesse Spencer from House, in character (again, kidding). A literary agent, one who the best interests of me and my book at heart, shares my artistic vision, and gets me the best first-time author book deal ever. A girl can dream, can't she?
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Nov 6 - 28 - my trip.
Nov 24 - the reading in NYC.
Sept 30 - the target date for my revised manuscript.
April 11 - Mr. O left, I was very sad.
July 26-29 - PNWA writer's conference.
April 19 - my apartment inspection.
March 15 - the day I started working at Camp again.
and there are others I would mention, but since they don't just pertain to me alone, I'll keep my mouth shut. Of course though, those are the most poignant and emotionally charged and I'll just say dates - June 30-July 3, Jan 14, Feb 14, Dec 27, Sept 26 (dentist's appointment that morning was simply unforgettable, kidding), April 17 (Maynard's birthday, people).
June 3 - probably the single happiest day with the dog, we went to the staff appreciation barbecue at the camp. She ran around for something like eight hours straight, I went on a Giant Swing, and later went skinny-dipping, but no one knows about that.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I'd say the myriad of little writing successes.
9. What was your biggest failure? The way I handled (or didn't) my relationship (or lack of one) with Mr. O - I will NEVER put myself through that much extended, soul-wrenching unhappiness again, compounded by my failure to do anything about it whatsoever and my steadfast dedication to suffer quietly, having mini-explosions over mini-things instead of dealing with how I was really feeling. I'm hoping that the fact of recognizing and trying to change these patterns in some way makes it not a complete failure, but I don't know. I definitely had a failure of courage, a failure of communication, a failure of standing up for myself, a failure of authenticity. I also had times of knowing I was failing myself, times when I walked around with images and poems in my head of feeling like a frog in boiling water, times I felt I was losing my self, and I continued to let it happen. That is the biggest failure.
Derrick Jensen, my longtime author crush, who I would have included in the list of wishful (kidding) flings in '08 if his MySpace page didn't say he's "in a relationship," says, "Hope binds us to unlivable situations." I've seen it to be true in the past, and I wish I'd remembered that.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes. I was rearranging my room and my box spring fell on me, slammed into my lower back. That was extremely painful, and every now and then, it still hurts, though sadly it's not one of those injuries I could use to predict the next rain or a coming cold.
I also had a mysterious rash for the whole month of September that covered my entire torso and itched like you wouldn't believe. It made me want to writhe in the burning itchiness and scream, "I need Dr. House!" to solve the mystery of course, but instead I tried lotions, oatmeal baths, and walking around without underwear (b/c any clothing/pressure would only make the itching and burning a thousand times worse).
After a friend and I went through some internet self-diagnosing thingy, counting out scabies, rocky mountain spotted fever, ringworm, syphilis, lupus (it's never lupus) and a million other weird things, we narrowed it down to one, and my doctor (much nicer than House, might I add), eventually also diagnosed it as pityriasis rosea. She recommended an all-natural chamomile lotion to deal with the itch, which worked to some degree, and the rash eventually went away.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Cool new clothes that fit me, that I love. If I had to pick one thing, hmmm, I can't.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? All my friends. A lot of them are making huge moves. One bought a house with her husband and painted her living room a gorgeous red. Another is contemplating moving within her town, to have her own place unattached to her past. Another friend is maybe thinking of moving/changing jobs. Another is definitely doing both with her husband. Another friend is switching schools. Another is taking trips to the place she wants to live and making more time for her art. Another is reworking her manuscript. Another got a book deal and is currently writing her book. Another is starting a workshop that she's dreamed of forever. Others are moving forward with their creative projects and dreams. Anyone who's following their passions deserves celebration.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My family. Chris Cornell. Men I used to love. A woman I almost worked for. Oh and GWB and everyone in his cabinet, but that goes without saying. Judging by the debates in New Hampshire, there will be even more political people in this category for '08.
14. Where did most of your money go? I don't even want to think about this one, b/c it's quite the sore spot, pffft. On the other hand, I spent $ on rent, monthly bills, paying off old shit, my trip and clothes, probably in that order.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going back to school.
16. What song will always remind you of 2007? Anything from Fiona Apple's "Extraordinary Machine," I listened to it almost exclusively most of the summer, with the most played song being "Tymps (the Sick in the Head Song)."
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? No idea.
c) richer or poorer? Richer.
18. What do you with you'd done more of? Writing. Smiling. Reading. Being more authentic and saying what I feel.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Being a pushover. Going on AIM instead of writing. Gossiping. Putting up with shit. Being scared.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? (Or did.) Read all about that here.
21. What was your favorite TV program? Of what's on now - HOUSE!
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't think I hated anyone either time.
23. What was the best book you read? Paint it Black by Janet Fitch, The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Fiona's Tidal and Extraordinary Machine (already had When the Pawn...)
25. What did you want and get? A better social life. Some writing glory. Fun. A much better financial situation. Inner strength.
26. What did you want and not get? Asked out.
27. What was your favorite film of this year? I'm honestly not sure I saw anything that came out in 2007. Do House DVDs count? I'm trying to think what my favorite movie I saw in 07 was, Reno 911 Miami was pretty hilarious. I watched The Girl in the Cafe again, and I love that one. Oh, CARRIE. I loved that.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 26, it was the superbowl. Some people came over and one of them threw cheez-its at the dog. It was insaaaanely exciting.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Romance, love, sex, or anything remotely resembling any of the above.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Out with the old, in with the good and sexy. I also ascribed to the "try on/buy/wear what you're most instinctually, irresistably attracted to" philosophy.
31. What kept you sane? Heroin, lots of heroin. NO, I'm kidding, duh.
What really saved my sanity this past year was my fundamentalist devotion to Jesus and God and Pat Robertson. And, in said devotion, jumping on the righteous hatred bandwagon and the "only good atheist is a dead one" campaign. Oh and the "the original Bible was written in English so that's the only one that counts," brigade. NO, kidding again. Can't help myself. If you're wondering what the fuck I'm talking about, read this. As you'll see, the examples I chose to mildly cite in this sarcastic answer are among the least offensive and outrageous listed.
FOR REAL now, my answer is numbness, good friends, my job (it's hard to think about anything when you're washing 500 dishes at top speed, except dishes) TV and good old-fashioned denial and distraction when all else failed.
FOR REALER, who says I WAS sane this year? I don't always feel sane, think I spent half this last year tossing and turning when I should have been sleeping, crying, and avoiding things, like writing. I don't even feel sane right now. Look at the things I'm writing for fuck's sake. It's all I can do to hold back sometimes, like I could almost have Tourette's, but for the written word, probably coming from a long history of so much not-saying, so much suppression. So yeah, I don't know.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Hugh Laurie, Jesse Spencer, and of course, I will always have an inner fire burning for Maynard. Oh and Corey McCormick from CC's band, who looks excruciatingly similar to someone I know, and once adored.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? I kind of opted out of politics this past year, which is highly unusual for me. I think there's only so much disaster and horror a brain can take though. I will say, Linda's post that Republicans are across the board happier really yanked my chain and got me all stirred up. It's a good thing she figured out it's just because they smoke more pot.
34. Who did you miss? Everyone.
35. Who was the best new person you met? Sergio, Kali, Linda, Janna, Cindy/Liz, Emily, Tallie, and tons more. And then some.
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. I already did.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"There have been disappointments
These she knows all too well
But you losing you was not a part of this plan."
"So I will keep a deliberate pace, let the damn breeze dry my face."
Fiona
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Reflections on '07
Better late than never?
2007 is a year that for me is really hard to classify. In some ways it was incredibly hard. I started the year in pretty bad shape financially and romantically. Then by February, both seemed to get a little better, and then in April I said goodbye to Mr. O, which was really hard, and had a whole slew of financial setbacks. In November I said goodbye to the dog, which was also hard in its own way. I also had some difficulties with family and friends. This year was rife with trouble and turmoil. Numerologically, I was in a 6 personal year, which often is linked with extra responsibilities and burdens, and that was a gross understatement for how the year actually turned out. There were definitely times I felt like so much shit was hitting me at once I couldn't see straight. There was a lot I crawled out from underneath.
Yet, when I look back at it, my feelings about the year are more positive than negative. In some ways, I feel like I really came into my own. I feel stronger than I did at this point last year, that's for sure. I also feel like I sort of blossomed in a way, especially in terms of clothing, if that makes sense. I got rid of a lot of old clothes that had never fit well, that I'd worn for ages because they were there, things I didn't feel comfortable in but wore anyway, clothes people gave me as hand-me-downs or that I'd found at free clothing drives that were five sizes too big, or just totally not me, things that made me feel frumpy and homely. So I did a lot of clearing out, and then during my trip, got some new clothes that I felt supremely attracted to in terms of color and style.
I've always had this thing about looking at clothes with an artist's eye, looking at outfits almost like a painting. It's hard to explain, and it's something I've done all my life, so it's so integral to how I am that it's hard to nail down and describe. I am totally drawn to color, so I'm always looking at how my clothes look together color-wise, and going for an aesthetic satisfaction that may not make sense or even be noticeable to anyone else. And in recent years, in a lot of clothes I felt so blah and so unsatisfied artistically that I almost stopped thinking about it, but that just felt like dulling myself down. That's not to say nothing was good. This move towards my truer artistic compass and better fitting in dressing is something I've made steps toward in the last few years, slowly and surely, and then this year it was like, okay, I'm completely ready to take this on, and also to embrace being sexy. All of that has felt really good.
I've also worked hard to change my financial situation in the last year, and I feel great about that. I have savings, not a ton, but some to build on. I have paid off a lot of bills, not all, but pretty damn close. In fact, most months, I'm ready to go online and pay bills before they're even issued, which feels sooo awesome. I feel on top of things, secure, able to support myself. I also have been able to afford things, like my trip, without dipping into those savings. I don't feel completely poor, and I absolutely did when 2007 started and my account was severely overdrawn. It has taken a lot of hard work, and hopefully this trend will only continue into 2008, especially with college coming up!
I definitely feel like it's been a year for seeing my won strengths, my own ability ot take care of myself financially, emotionally and beyond, and it's been great. It hasn't been without the support of friends and others. I see a therapist, I get regular bodywork from my friend who gives the best massages ever. I have some of the best friends in the world. And I'm also learning how to do it for myself. I'm working on changing relationships that haven't felt good to me, ones in which I feel at the wrong end of power plays, because that has too often been the case. I'm working hard on learning to stand up for myself, be assertive without being aggressive, and being more honest about how I feel and who I am, being authentic and listening to my own authority.
I reconnected with some old friends, strengthened friendships that were budding last year, like Linda, my writing friend extraordinaire, and a local friend who I meet for lunch every month or so. She has been great to talk to and she's helped me sexify my life, meaning mostly she's helped me work on fixing up my apartment in a way that really suits me. In a way, a lot of this year has been about investing in quality things that I really love, whether they're from thrift stores or malls, whether it's in clothes or curtains or friendships or college decisions.
My friend found me matching lamps for my bedroom that were perfect colors, a painting to hang up that fits perfectly, and helped me rearrange the furniture in there, and now I just love being in there. Call it feng shui or whatever, but my bedroom now feels so much more inviting, peaceful, satisfying, sexy, instead of some sort of chaotic throwaway place. This same friend also found me a set of dishes and some other odds and ends, and I know I'll take these things with me when I move, and keep for years to come. It's a trend I'd like to continue.
I also met some new friends this year, like Janna and others at the PNWA writing conference, Kali who I met through an online forum, and then met in real life twice during my trip. It's funny, when I went back to work at camp this year, I was part-time, and I didn't live there, but somehow I feel like I've made more connections this year than in years past. Especially after the season ended, I got to spend a lot of quality time with quality people who stuck around, but even before that, I felt like I got to know the staff pretty well, and had some great times going out with them. I'm finally hanging with people my own age, which is really incredible. That's yet another thing I want to continue and increase in this new year.
Writing also went well for me in 2007. In January or February, I got the first full critique of my book, which was followed by Linda's, and I used those to completely rework my book, to take it deeper, to address albinism more, to focus the story, to brave the darker parts, enter them and put them on paper. I completely rewrote the first section, which was hard. Originally I had an essayish narrative a tthe beginning,a nd that grew and morphed and changed some more into now four distinct chapters with vivid scenes, most of which were pretty difficult to write, and I'm very happy with it now. In October I finished my most recent draft, and sent it to Linda again, and received her full critique a few weeks ago.
Also in writing news, I went to some open mic readings, locally and in Seattle, went to a writing conference and pitched to agents, had two pieces selected as finalists in I'm From Rolling Stone, got some personalized rejection letters from agents, got an agent referral after an open mic reading (that agent subsequently sent me a personalized rejection too, lol), entered a lot of contests in which I didn't place, got accepted for the Orcas ArtSmith Residency and was invited to read at The Best Memoirists Pageant Ever. So all in all, it's been a successful year for my writing.
I'll also say there was one other little writing thing I found out about in early December, that may or may not make it to print, I'll know very soon, but until then I don't want to say anything.
So overall, my feelings towards this past year, are largely positive.
Currently Listening:
"Shine" - Dog's Eye View - this song deserves its own post, it has quite the history for me, and has some really profound lines. Probably my favorite DEV song out there. This would be one of those quality songs that I will take with me forever, thanks to a friend, almost eight years ago, who used to call herself BlueShine.
2007 is a year that for me is really hard to classify. In some ways it was incredibly hard. I started the year in pretty bad shape financially and romantically. Then by February, both seemed to get a little better, and then in April I said goodbye to Mr. O, which was really hard, and had a whole slew of financial setbacks. In November I said goodbye to the dog, which was also hard in its own way. I also had some difficulties with family and friends. This year was rife with trouble and turmoil. Numerologically, I was in a 6 personal year, which often is linked with extra responsibilities and burdens, and that was a gross understatement for how the year actually turned out. There were definitely times I felt like so much shit was hitting me at once I couldn't see straight. There was a lot I crawled out from underneath.
Yet, when I look back at it, my feelings about the year are more positive than negative. In some ways, I feel like I really came into my own. I feel stronger than I did at this point last year, that's for sure. I also feel like I sort of blossomed in a way, especially in terms of clothing, if that makes sense. I got rid of a lot of old clothes that had never fit well, that I'd worn for ages because they were there, things I didn't feel comfortable in but wore anyway, clothes people gave me as hand-me-downs or that I'd found at free clothing drives that were five sizes too big, or just totally not me, things that made me feel frumpy and homely. So I did a lot of clearing out, and then during my trip, got some new clothes that I felt supremely attracted to in terms of color and style.
I've always had this thing about looking at clothes with an artist's eye, looking at outfits almost like a painting. It's hard to explain, and it's something I've done all my life, so it's so integral to how I am that it's hard to nail down and describe. I am totally drawn to color, so I'm always looking at how my clothes look together color-wise, and going for an aesthetic satisfaction that may not make sense or even be noticeable to anyone else. And in recent years, in a lot of clothes I felt so blah and so unsatisfied artistically that I almost stopped thinking about it, but that just felt like dulling myself down. That's not to say nothing was good. This move towards my truer artistic compass and better fitting in dressing is something I've made steps toward in the last few years, slowly and surely, and then this year it was like, okay, I'm completely ready to take this on, and also to embrace being sexy. All of that has felt really good.
I've also worked hard to change my financial situation in the last year, and I feel great about that. I have savings, not a ton, but some to build on. I have paid off a lot of bills, not all, but pretty damn close. In fact, most months, I'm ready to go online and pay bills before they're even issued, which feels sooo awesome. I feel on top of things, secure, able to support myself. I also have been able to afford things, like my trip, without dipping into those savings. I don't feel completely poor, and I absolutely did when 2007 started and my account was severely overdrawn. It has taken a lot of hard work, and hopefully this trend will only continue into 2008, especially with college coming up!
I definitely feel like it's been a year for seeing my won strengths, my own ability ot take care of myself financially, emotionally and beyond, and it's been great. It hasn't been without the support of friends and others. I see a therapist, I get regular bodywork from my friend who gives the best massages ever. I have some of the best friends in the world. And I'm also learning how to do it for myself. I'm working on changing relationships that haven't felt good to me, ones in which I feel at the wrong end of power plays, because that has too often been the case. I'm working hard on learning to stand up for myself, be assertive without being aggressive, and being more honest about how I feel and who I am, being authentic and listening to my own authority.
I reconnected with some old friends, strengthened friendships that were budding last year, like Linda, my writing friend extraordinaire, and a local friend who I meet for lunch every month or so. She has been great to talk to and she's helped me sexify my life, meaning mostly she's helped me work on fixing up my apartment in a way that really suits me. In a way, a lot of this year has been about investing in quality things that I really love, whether they're from thrift stores or malls, whether it's in clothes or curtains or friendships or college decisions.
My friend found me matching lamps for my bedroom that were perfect colors, a painting to hang up that fits perfectly, and helped me rearrange the furniture in there, and now I just love being in there. Call it feng shui or whatever, but my bedroom now feels so much more inviting, peaceful, satisfying, sexy, instead of some sort of chaotic throwaway place. This same friend also found me a set of dishes and some other odds and ends, and I know I'll take these things with me when I move, and keep for years to come. It's a trend I'd like to continue.
I also met some new friends this year, like Janna and others at the PNWA writing conference, Kali who I met through an online forum, and then met in real life twice during my trip. It's funny, when I went back to work at camp this year, I was part-time, and I didn't live there, but somehow I feel like I've made more connections this year than in years past. Especially after the season ended, I got to spend a lot of quality time with quality people who stuck around, but even before that, I felt like I got to know the staff pretty well, and had some great times going out with them. I'm finally hanging with people my own age, which is really incredible. That's yet another thing I want to continue and increase in this new year.
Writing also went well for me in 2007. In January or February, I got the first full critique of my book, which was followed by Linda's, and I used those to completely rework my book, to take it deeper, to address albinism more, to focus the story, to brave the darker parts, enter them and put them on paper. I completely rewrote the first section, which was hard. Originally I had an essayish narrative a tthe beginning,a nd that grew and morphed and changed some more into now four distinct chapters with vivid scenes, most of which were pretty difficult to write, and I'm very happy with it now. In October I finished my most recent draft, and sent it to Linda again, and received her full critique a few weeks ago.
Also in writing news, I went to some open mic readings, locally and in Seattle, went to a writing conference and pitched to agents, had two pieces selected as finalists in I'm From Rolling Stone, got some personalized rejection letters from agents, got an agent referral after an open mic reading (that agent subsequently sent me a personalized rejection too, lol), entered a lot of contests in which I didn't place, got accepted for the Orcas ArtSmith Residency and was invited to read at The Best Memoirists Pageant Ever. So all in all, it's been a successful year for my writing.
I'll also say there was one other little writing thing I found out about in early December, that may or may not make it to print, I'll know very soon, but until then I don't want to say anything.
So overall, my feelings towards this past year, are largely positive.
Currently Listening:
"Shine" - Dog's Eye View - this song deserves its own post, it has quite the history for me, and has some really profound lines. Probably my favorite DEV song out there. This would be one of those quality songs that I will take with me forever, thanks to a friend, almost eight years ago, who used to call herself BlueShine.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Why Do I Love House? - Part One, Intellectual Stimulation
Let me count the ways.
I have confessed before to my obsessive, undying love for this show, and being an analytical person, I have given a lot of thought to why the show appeals to me so much.
First, it's really intelligent, probably the smartest, funniest drama on TV. I guess in some ways, it's not all that different from a crime type show. There's just as much lying and investigating. Somehow though, House engages my mind more than any CSI type show, partly because the human body, and the psychology, are so infinitely fascinating. And I've learned a lot about medical conditions from watching the show. In fact, when I watch Jeopardy! which isn't that often, I have noticed myself answering questions right based on knowledge I gleamed from watching House. I have a real interest in diseases, and no idea why, so there is some satisfaction there. I love learning about auto-immune conditions, drugs and how they work (or don't), infections and cancers interacting, the really, really weird viruses and infections, testing and how in a lot of cases, they're not looking for an actual disease, but its fingerprints.
In fact I have a friend who audits health insurance claims, and I just recently found out t hat she gets to see all the diagnoses of all the claims she works on, and I actually got kind of jealous of her job. I love that she gets to see diseases and diagnoses from a distance, without actually working with people, lol, kinda like House. For awhile I've wanted to read Love In the Time of Cholera because it has cholera in the title. No idea WHY this fascinates me so, just that it does. What does it say about me, that I'm slightly more grabbed by "cholera" than "love"? Hmmm. I have got to read it that way.
The other reason the show appeals to my intellect is that all the dialogue between the characters is clever, witty, and takes some mind power to sometimes keep up with all the reasonings and get the "ah ha!" moments. I like that, the hilarious sarcasm, the cleverness in the interactions, the way things are always turning around, the analysis of behavior, the studying of what people say and what that really means, all the observations and deductive reasoning. I love the instances where they have a limited amount of samples so they can only do a few tests and they have to really use that deductive reasoning to decide what to test for. I love House's split-second realizations where he pieces everything together, where one thing sparks the revelation. Something about it is sooo mentally-engaging that even though it's over my head, I feel invigorated. I love the differentials. I love the witty conversations that have nothing to do with the medicine. In essence, watching House is like studying genius, and I guess I'd like to think by immersing myself in it, I'll get a little on me.
The show feeds my mind, and my mind is very hungry. In my current life, in a lot of ways, I'm intellectually frustrated. Sure, I can read books and all of that, but I guess I'm intellectually frustrated more in a way that relates to other people. I can read, but I don't have people to share the ideas with other than myself really. Or at least, not in my present, in-person life, and I crave it so much. I crave discussion and analysis that isn't just in my own mind. It's one of the reasons I want to go back to school. Living on an island the way I do, I don't get enough mental stimulation, enough input. There are some incredibly intelligent people here, but I am a bit insatiable and I would love a bigger pool. Sometimes I even avoid reading too-engaging books because I know I'll have no one to discuss it with, and that just leads to more frustration.
Even with House, I wish I had people to discuss it with. I'd love to get into conversations about what makes certain episodes shine, or even just why I love certain episodes, with people who have also seen them and can share their own insights and opinions. I'd love to have laughfests talking about some of the best clinic scenes. I would love to discuss how the show sometimes plays against stereotypes. I'd love to talk to other avid fans about the gender roles on the show, how sometimes they are reversed (and how that sometimes can create its own trend on the show - like for example, it seems that the few teenage girl patients who've had sex at really young ages are always the initiators - and what the implications of that). Or about how relationships are generally portrayed on the show, whether it's a romantic relationship or a parent-child one.
Why is it so often that in the romantic relationship, the woman is the one lying about her past? Is it because it might be more typical to suspect the man of lying, cheating, having previous kids he hasn't told the wife about, and they want to play against that, be more unexpected? Why is it that in almost every relationship involving a couple that a viewer might, at first, perceive as happy, there is some major darkness and lies underneath the surface? And the one couple that actually does seem to love each other turns out to be related? Do certain trends on the show reflect societal norms, or do they attempt to twist them? Are there political or social implications sometimes made in the show, subtle and perhaps unintentional or not? I'd even like to discuss certain inconsistencies, like why is Wilson's wife named Julie in the first two seasons, and then in season 3, the only time we actually see her, she's named Bonnie? Why does it seem, halfway through the show, that House went to Hopkins, while in earlier seasons it was Foreman who went there? And in "Humpty Dumpty," Cameron asks Cuddy about she and House going to Michigan? Where did he really go? And how long was he working at the hospital anyway - some episodes make it seem like it was before his infarction, and others make it seem sooner, and I'd love to have a clear timeline, sit down with other obsessive viewers and work that timeline out, or figure out if it's just plain inconsistencies.
I love wondering about how the writers come up with the ideas. I wonder what part in an episode came first, what sketch of an idea did they start with, and how did that develop from there, and how did they think up all the twists and turns, did they start with the solution and create it from there? How did they fit the perfect background, character interactions to coincide with the medical cases? Sometimes they come up with the best metaphors, and the best titles, that work on so many levels if you give it some thought. One that jumps to mind is "Cane and Able," the second episode in Season 3. It has so many implications. On the Season 2 DVD, there are two episodes that you can watch with director commentary, and I love those, because they point out things I wouldn't even notice, again stretching the mind even further. I was so glad they did that for the episode, "No Reason," in which House gets shot and goes in and out of hallucination (I won't say more in case anyone watches it, don't want to give anything away). It's one of the most complex episodes. Really though, I'd be thrilled to watch commentary on every episode, gain more insight into the process that creates these layered episodes, again wanting to get a little of that through osmosis.
Even without having other fanatic viewers to discuss these things with, the show really does satisfy some of my intellectual frustrations. The case is always solved at the end. And even if I've watched an episode a whole bunch of times, I feel I still learn more by watching it again, nuances of the medical stuff, a witticism, a superbly clever line I didn't quite catch before, a visual thing I may not have seen because I had it on while doing dishes and listened more than watched. The cleverness and the humor of that show, in my opinion is totally unmatched. I love that a lot of it, I don't understand, because that makes it more challenging to me. What I would LOVE to do is write my own episode for the show, I mean just for my own enjoyment, I know it wouldn't ever actually make it to the show (unless maybe if I become a super famous author, perhaps I'd best best get on that). Writing one just for fun may never be possible without extensive medical training, but I'll put it out there as a goal. Emerson offers classes on writing for TV, and my tour guide when I was there talked about taking a science class on infectious diseases, which I hope they'll offer again next year. Yeah, it's high time for me to go back to college.
So until then, I'll keep watching House, for these and many other reasons to come.
Currently Listening:
"The Professor" - Damien Rice - probably my favorite song at the moment, oh his voice is so smooth and rich and passionate, and I love the lyrics. My favorite line of the song is, "Loving is fine if you've plenty of time/for walking on stilts at the edge of your mind."
I have confessed before to my obsessive, undying love for this show, and being an analytical person, I have given a lot of thought to why the show appeals to me so much.
First, it's really intelligent, probably the smartest, funniest drama on TV. I guess in some ways, it's not all that different from a crime type show. There's just as much lying and investigating. Somehow though, House engages my mind more than any CSI type show, partly because the human body, and the psychology, are so infinitely fascinating. And I've learned a lot about medical conditions from watching the show. In fact, when I watch Jeopardy! which isn't that often, I have noticed myself answering questions right based on knowledge I gleamed from watching House. I have a real interest in diseases, and no idea why, so there is some satisfaction there. I love learning about auto-immune conditions, drugs and how they work (or don't), infections and cancers interacting, the really, really weird viruses and infections, testing and how in a lot of cases, they're not looking for an actual disease, but its fingerprints.
In fact I have a friend who audits health insurance claims, and I just recently found out t hat she gets to see all the diagnoses of all the claims she works on, and I actually got kind of jealous of her job. I love that she gets to see diseases and diagnoses from a distance, without actually working with people, lol, kinda like House. For awhile I've wanted to read Love In the Time of Cholera because it has cholera in the title. No idea WHY this fascinates me so, just that it does. What does it say about me, that I'm slightly more grabbed by "cholera" than "love"? Hmmm. I have got to read it that way.
The other reason the show appeals to my intellect is that all the dialogue between the characters is clever, witty, and takes some mind power to sometimes keep up with all the reasonings and get the "ah ha!" moments. I like that, the hilarious sarcasm, the cleverness in the interactions, the way things are always turning around, the analysis of behavior, the studying of what people say and what that really means, all the observations and deductive reasoning. I love the instances where they have a limited amount of samples so they can only do a few tests and they have to really use that deductive reasoning to decide what to test for. I love House's split-second realizations where he pieces everything together, where one thing sparks the revelation. Something about it is sooo mentally-engaging that even though it's over my head, I feel invigorated. I love the differentials. I love the witty conversations that have nothing to do with the medicine. In essence, watching House is like studying genius, and I guess I'd like to think by immersing myself in it, I'll get a little on me.
The show feeds my mind, and my mind is very hungry. In my current life, in a lot of ways, I'm intellectually frustrated. Sure, I can read books and all of that, but I guess I'm intellectually frustrated more in a way that relates to other people. I can read, but I don't have people to share the ideas with other than myself really. Or at least, not in my present, in-person life, and I crave it so much. I crave discussion and analysis that isn't just in my own mind. It's one of the reasons I want to go back to school. Living on an island the way I do, I don't get enough mental stimulation, enough input. There are some incredibly intelligent people here, but I am a bit insatiable and I would love a bigger pool. Sometimes I even avoid reading too-engaging books because I know I'll have no one to discuss it with, and that just leads to more frustration.
Even with House, I wish I had people to discuss it with. I'd love to get into conversations about what makes certain episodes shine, or even just why I love certain episodes, with people who have also seen them and can share their own insights and opinions. I'd love to have laughfests talking about some of the best clinic scenes. I would love to discuss how the show sometimes plays against stereotypes. I'd love to talk to other avid fans about the gender roles on the show, how sometimes they are reversed (and how that sometimes can create its own trend on the show - like for example, it seems that the few teenage girl patients who've had sex at really young ages are always the initiators - and what the implications of that). Or about how relationships are generally portrayed on the show, whether it's a romantic relationship or a parent-child one.
Why is it so often that in the romantic relationship, the woman is the one lying about her past? Is it because it might be more typical to suspect the man of lying, cheating, having previous kids he hasn't told the wife about, and they want to play against that, be more unexpected? Why is it that in almost every relationship involving a couple that a viewer might, at first, perceive as happy, there is some major darkness and lies underneath the surface? And the one couple that actually does seem to love each other turns out to be related? Do certain trends on the show reflect societal norms, or do they attempt to twist them? Are there political or social implications sometimes made in the show, subtle and perhaps unintentional or not? I'd even like to discuss certain inconsistencies, like why is Wilson's wife named Julie in the first two seasons, and then in season 3, the only time we actually see her, she's named Bonnie? Why does it seem, halfway through the show, that House went to Hopkins, while in earlier seasons it was Foreman who went there? And in "Humpty Dumpty," Cameron asks Cuddy about she and House going to Michigan? Where did he really go? And how long was he working at the hospital anyway - some episodes make it seem like it was before his infarction, and others make it seem sooner, and I'd love to have a clear timeline, sit down with other obsessive viewers and work that timeline out, or figure out if it's just plain inconsistencies.
I love wondering about how the writers come up with the ideas. I wonder what part in an episode came first, what sketch of an idea did they start with, and how did that develop from there, and how did they think up all the twists and turns, did they start with the solution and create it from there? How did they fit the perfect background, character interactions to coincide with the medical cases? Sometimes they come up with the best metaphors, and the best titles, that work on so many levels if you give it some thought. One that jumps to mind is "Cane and Able," the second episode in Season 3. It has so many implications. On the Season 2 DVD, there are two episodes that you can watch with director commentary, and I love those, because they point out things I wouldn't even notice, again stretching the mind even further. I was so glad they did that for the episode, "No Reason," in which House gets shot and goes in and out of hallucination (I won't say more in case anyone watches it, don't want to give anything away). It's one of the most complex episodes. Really though, I'd be thrilled to watch commentary on every episode, gain more insight into the process that creates these layered episodes, again wanting to get a little of that through osmosis.
Even without having other fanatic viewers to discuss these things with, the show really does satisfy some of my intellectual frustrations. The case is always solved at the end. And even if I've watched an episode a whole bunch of times, I feel I still learn more by watching it again, nuances of the medical stuff, a witticism, a superbly clever line I didn't quite catch before, a visual thing I may not have seen because I had it on while doing dishes and listened more than watched. The cleverness and the humor of that show, in my opinion is totally unmatched. I love that a lot of it, I don't understand, because that makes it more challenging to me. What I would LOVE to do is write my own episode for the show, I mean just for my own enjoyment, I know it wouldn't ever actually make it to the show (unless maybe if I become a super famous author, perhaps I'd best best get on that). Writing one just for fun may never be possible without extensive medical training, but I'll put it out there as a goal. Emerson offers classes on writing for TV, and my tour guide when I was there talked about taking a science class on infectious diseases, which I hope they'll offer again next year. Yeah, it's high time for me to go back to college.
So until then, I'll keep watching House, for these and many other reasons to come.
Currently Listening:
"The Professor" - Damien Rice - probably my favorite song at the moment, oh his voice is so smooth and rich and passionate, and I love the lyrics. My favorite line of the song is, "Loving is fine if you've plenty of time/for walking on stilts at the edge of your mind."
Monday, December 24, 2007
Having Myself a Merry Little Christmas
This holiday season had the potential to be pretty depressing and lonely, as it's the first one I've spent alone. Most years, I went back and saw my family, and last year I was here with Mr. O and the doggie, and we barely acknowledged the existence of the holidays. And in the past, since I wasn't here, I never decorated or did anything for the holidays myself. This year, for some reason, I got it in my head that I needed a little Christmas.
It started with some garland I got at the drugstore, just some red sparkly thing that I put around my staircase banister outside my apartment. Then I found a tree skirt and some used ornaments at the Exchange, a local place where people drop off stuff they don't want and forage for new stuff. We were headed out, and I saw some purple ball ornaments, then some silver and green, and I got a box of each. While looking through the pile of boxes, I said to my friend, in a low voice, as we were talking about, here's some green balls and some silver balls, I go, "At least there's no blue balls," and the lady working there heard me and started laughing. Caught in the act of being perverted, what can I say? Anyway I had some ornament balls but no tree. Then a friend of mine went off-island and brought me back a little 4 ft artificial tree.
I was surprised how delighted the little tree made me. It was the weekend and I had all my presents I was going to mail that Monday sitting under the tree. I had fun wrapping them, writing cards, mailing the presents and just generally having a tree with little lights. I even listened to some Christmas music.
So, somewhere along the way I decided to celebrate the holiday, try to make my own traditions and my own Christmas, and the funny thing is, I've had a great Christmas season, I feel pretty happy with it, satisfied being on my own, a lot of the pressure's off, and it feels like yet another one of those "coming into my own as an adult" things. I even decided to get myself a few presents, just a few things I ordered online, that will make me happy. Plus for awhile there I was afraid I'd have nothing to open on Christmas and I wanted to have something.
A friend gave me some (real) holly which helped decorate the apartment some more, and I made the sugar cookies my family always makes. Later today I'll make more and bake some pumpkin bread. I'm going three different places tomorrow and had to turn down an invitation to go to a friend's parents' place off-island. So I'll have time with friends, my friends, people I want to spend the holiday with. I also went to a Christmas concert put on by an amazingly gifted island woman and some amazingly gifted island musicians.
Overall, I think this is like, my best Christmas season. I woke up super-early today so I'm going to go back to sleep for awhile, run some errands, mail some cards (yeah, they'll be late), and then plan my day so it's full of baking, maybe some reading, maybe a long walk, some episodes of House, and make it nice & cozy & fun.
Merry Christmas and everything else, everyone!
Currently Listening:
"Extraordinary Machine" - Fiona Apple
It started with some garland I got at the drugstore, just some red sparkly thing that I put around my staircase banister outside my apartment. Then I found a tree skirt and some used ornaments at the Exchange, a local place where people drop off stuff they don't want and forage for new stuff. We were headed out, and I saw some purple ball ornaments, then some silver and green, and I got a box of each. While looking through the pile of boxes, I said to my friend, in a low voice, as we were talking about, here's some green balls and some silver balls, I go, "At least there's no blue balls," and the lady working there heard me and started laughing. Caught in the act of being perverted, what can I say? Anyway I had some ornament balls but no tree. Then a friend of mine went off-island and brought me back a little 4 ft artificial tree.
I was surprised how delighted the little tree made me. It was the weekend and I had all my presents I was going to mail that Monday sitting under the tree. I had fun wrapping them, writing cards, mailing the presents and just generally having a tree with little lights. I even listened to some Christmas music.
So, somewhere along the way I decided to celebrate the holiday, try to make my own traditions and my own Christmas, and the funny thing is, I've had a great Christmas season, I feel pretty happy with it, satisfied being on my own, a lot of the pressure's off, and it feels like yet another one of those "coming into my own as an adult" things. I even decided to get myself a few presents, just a few things I ordered online, that will make me happy. Plus for awhile there I was afraid I'd have nothing to open on Christmas and I wanted to have something.
A friend gave me some (real) holly which helped decorate the apartment some more, and I made the sugar cookies my family always makes. Later today I'll make more and bake some pumpkin bread. I'm going three different places tomorrow and had to turn down an invitation to go to a friend's parents' place off-island. So I'll have time with friends, my friends, people I want to spend the holiday with. I also went to a Christmas concert put on by an amazingly gifted island woman and some amazingly gifted island musicians.
Overall, I think this is like, my best Christmas season. I woke up super-early today so I'm going to go back to sleep for awhile, run some errands, mail some cards (yeah, they'll be late), and then plan my day so it's full of baking, maybe some reading, maybe a long walk, some episodes of House, and make it nice & cozy & fun.
Merry Christmas and everything else, everyone!
Currently Listening:
"Extraordinary Machine" - Fiona Apple
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
"Toast" by Tori Amos (and thoughts about Leaving)
TOAST
I thought it was Easter time
The way the light rose
Rose that morning
Lately you've been on my mind
You showed me the ropes
Ropes to climb
Over mountains, and to pull myself
Out of a landslide
Of a landslide
I thought it was harvest time
You always loved the
Smell of the wood burning
She with her honey hair
Dallhousie castle
She would meet you there
In the winter, butter yellow
The flames you stirred
Yes, you could stir
I raise a glass, make a toast
A toast in your honor
I hear you laugh and beg me not to dance
Cuz on your right, standing by
Is Mr. Bojangles, with a toast
He's telling me it's time
To raise a glass, make a toast
A toast in your honor
I hear you laugh and beg me not to dance
Cuz on your righ;t, standing by
is Mr. Bojangles, with a toast
He's telling me it's time
To let you go
Let you go
I thought I"d see you again
You say you might do
Maybe in a carving
In a cathedral
Somewhere
In Barcelona
Just now, surfing through iTunes, I was inspired to write about this song. Like all the songs I love, it has very layered and personal meanings to me. It's even in my book, I'll get to that.
The song is the last track on Tori's album The Beekeeper, which came out in early 2005. It was all I listened to for weeks on end. I loved it immediately. It had all these references to the divine feminine, a whole song structure based on a hexagon garden pattern, song titles like Goodbye to Pisces, Mother Revolution, Marys of the Sea, Martha's Foolish Ginger, Sleeps With Butterflies, and The Beekeeper and I had a huge crush on an author who was a beekeeper at one point. It was all perfect, and perfect timing, and I loved all the songs. A little softer than some of Tori's work, and still insightful and powerful.
Consequently, I think I should add that I love Tori's latest, American Doll Posse, for almost opposite reason. It's way more sassy, with the song Big Wheel, in which she calls herself a MILF, and other song titles such as Fat Slut and Teenage Hustling. I love it.
So, back on track here, that spring, I decided to quit my job at a camp, and move off the camp property and rent a room. Sometimes my life feels like a continuous process of moving somewhere a little less constrictive, until that new place feels a little constrictive, and moving on again. I'd done a l0ot of leaving at that point in my life. And this was yet another move, and it felt really big. I wasn't leaving one school for another, or moving cross country, in fact I was hardly moving two miles away, but mentally, it was a big jump, into real adulthood, rent bills, more independence.
At the time, I thought of this song Toast all the time. I loved the camp, loved living there, just knew it was time to move on. Sometimes, as they say, love just ain' enough. Actually, as cynical as this sounds, I've found that to be true a lot of times in my life, but maybe that's a post for another time. I thought of the camp as having given me ropes to climb, and definitely a place that helped me get on my feet, get o ut of a landslide. So, this song spoke to me.
The truth is though, this song applies to a lot of situations. I've felt the same way when leaving anywhere that's meant something to me, and with any significant departure. I get very attached to places, houses, weather and seasonal patterns in places I'ved lived. Sometimes I think I get more attached to place than I do to people, but I probably get equally attached to both. It feels like every place I go, I learn something from, have some sentimental attachment to and nostalgia for. Which gets hard, because the more places I go, the more places there are that I miss. One of the places I miss most is Chestertown, MD, where I spent my freshman year of college, the year my book is about. I have never fully stopped missing the people and the place. Again, I knew I had to move on to something else, I had my reasons. I don't know that I could have done it differently. And I still wonder, not as often as I used to, what might've happened if I'd stayed. I'll never kneow. When I think about leaving that place, it still makes me sad. I still can't read the chapter I wrote about leaving there (and I wrote said chapter three years ago) without crying. And I think that's okay. It means the place was meaningful, you know?
But anyway, since all my chapter titles are named after lyrics, I grabbed a lyric from this one for that chapter. I love, love, love things that are layered, have double entendres, hidden meanings, or reference other things. So one reason I especially chose a line from this song was because the song (though not the line I chose) references Mr. Bojangles. One of my favorite memories from that freshman year was an afternoon I spent with friends, playing in the snow and building a snoman who we named Mr. Bojangles, so the song always brought me back to that, which to me, made it an even better pick, sentimental-wise, for t he chapter about leaving the place. Probably no one who would read the book would ever pick up on that, it's too subtle I think, but it makes me smile.
That's Mr. Bojangles and friends above.
But the song itself is so perfect. That year was like the first time a place/experience gave me ropes to climb, and boy did it stir some flames, and it's also a place/experience I'll never see again, never in the same way. Even if I went back there, which wouldn't make sense for my life in any way, it wouldn't be the same place, the same people, the same experience.
It's part of what appeals to me about the song, that last verse. To me it says, there is no going back, no returning, just maybe some personal monument (that's what I get from the whole carving in a cathedral bit, some small reminder). I can relate to that.
They say that you can't step in the same river twice, and sometimes I think that's one of the thigns I have the hardest time grappling with. There are so many places and people and times I'd love to step back into, re-enter, experience again, even with the low points. Maybe that's part of why I love writing memoir, a way to go back, l live some things twice, with all their layered, complicated meanings, their vibrance, whether it's h eartache or relief or triumph. . Still it kills me that I can't return to things. I have a hard time really wrapping my mind around the fact that sometimes a person or a place can be in my life and be good, intense, a huge learning experience, give and share so much, and not be forever.
I'm looking futureward to the next eight or so months, getting ready to leave this place. Even though I've been in different houses, I've lived on this island for almost five years, and I wonder how I'll feel about it all as I leave. I have a feeling I'll be listening to Toast a lot.
I thought it was Easter time
The way the light rose
Rose that morning
Lately you've been on my mind
You showed me the ropes
Ropes to climb
Over mountains, and to pull myself
Out of a landslide
Of a landslide
I thought it was harvest time
You always loved the
Smell of the wood burning
She with her honey hair
Dallhousie castle
She would meet you there
In the winter, butter yellow
The flames you stirred
Yes, you could stir
I raise a glass, make a toast
A toast in your honor
I hear you laugh and beg me not to dance
Cuz on your right, standing by
Is Mr. Bojangles, with a toast
He's telling me it's time
To raise a glass, make a toast
A toast in your honor
I hear you laugh and beg me not to dance
Cuz on your righ;t, standing by
is Mr. Bojangles, with a toast
He's telling me it's time
To let you go
Let you go
I thought I"d see you again
You say you might do
Maybe in a carving
In a cathedral
Somewhere
In Barcelona
Just now, surfing through iTunes, I was inspired to write about this song. Like all the songs I love, it has very layered and personal meanings to me. It's even in my book, I'll get to that.
The song is the last track on Tori's album The Beekeeper, which came out in early 2005. It was all I listened to for weeks on end. I loved it immediately. It had all these references to the divine feminine, a whole song structure based on a hexagon garden pattern, song titles like Goodbye to Pisces, Mother Revolution, Marys of the Sea, Martha's Foolish Ginger, Sleeps With Butterflies, and The Beekeeper and I had a huge crush on an author who was a beekeeper at one point. It was all perfect, and perfect timing, and I loved all the songs. A little softer than some of Tori's work, and still insightful and powerful.
Consequently, I think I should add that I love Tori's latest, American Doll Posse, for almost opposite reason. It's way more sassy, with the song Big Wheel, in which she calls herself a MILF, and other song titles such as Fat Slut and Teenage Hustling. I love it.
So, back on track here, that spring, I decided to quit my job at a camp, and move off the camp property and rent a room. Sometimes my life feels like a continuous process of moving somewhere a little less constrictive, until that new place feels a little constrictive, and moving on again. I'd done a l0ot of leaving at that point in my life. And this was yet another move, and it felt really big. I wasn't leaving one school for another, or moving cross country, in fact I was hardly moving two miles away, but mentally, it was a big jump, into real adulthood, rent bills, more independence.
At the time, I thought of this song Toast all the time. I loved the camp, loved living there, just knew it was time to move on. Sometimes, as they say, love just ain' enough. Actually, as cynical as this sounds, I've found that to be true a lot of times in my life, but maybe that's a post for another time. I thought of the camp as having given me ropes to climb, and definitely a place that helped me get on my feet, get o ut of a landslide. So, this song spoke to me.
The truth is though, this song applies to a lot of situations. I've felt the same way when leaving anywhere that's meant something to me, and with any significant departure. I get very attached to places, houses, weather and seasonal patterns in places I'ved lived. Sometimes I think I get more attached to place than I do to people, but I probably get equally attached to both. It feels like every place I go, I learn something from, have some sentimental attachment to and nostalgia for. Which gets hard, because the more places I go, the more places there are that I miss. One of the places I miss most is Chestertown, MD, where I spent my freshman year of college, the year my book is about. I have never fully stopped missing the people and the place. Again, I knew I had to move on to something else, I had my reasons. I don't know that I could have done it differently. And I still wonder, not as often as I used to, what might've happened if I'd stayed. I'll never kneow. When I think about leaving that place, it still makes me sad. I still can't read the chapter I wrote about leaving there (and I wrote said chapter three years ago) without crying. And I think that's okay. It means the place was meaningful, you know?
But anyway, since all my chapter titles are named after lyrics, I grabbed a lyric from this one for that chapter. I love, love, love things that are layered, have double entendres, hidden meanings, or reference other things. So one reason I especially chose a line from this song was because the song (though not the line I chose) references Mr. Bojangles. One of my favorite memories from that freshman year was an afternoon I spent with friends, playing in the snow and building a snoman who we named Mr. Bojangles, so the song always brought me back to that, which to me, made it an even better pick, sentimental-wise, for t he chapter about leaving the place. Probably no one who would read the book would ever pick up on that, it's too subtle I think, but it makes me smile.
That's Mr. Bojangles and friends above.
But the song itself is so perfect. That year was like the first time a place/experience gave me ropes to climb, and boy did it stir some flames, and it's also a place/experience I'll never see again, never in the same way. Even if I went back there, which wouldn't make sense for my life in any way, it wouldn't be the same place, the same people, the same experience.
It's part of what appeals to me about the song, that last verse. To me it says, there is no going back, no returning, just maybe some personal monument (that's what I get from the whole carving in a cathedral bit, some small reminder). I can relate to that.
They say that you can't step in the same river twice, and sometimes I think that's one of the thigns I have the hardest time grappling with. There are so many places and people and times I'd love to step back into, re-enter, experience again, even with the low points. Maybe that's part of why I love writing memoir, a way to go back, l live some things twice, with all their layered, complicated meanings, their vibrance, whether it's h eartache or relief or triumph. . Still it kills me that I can't return to things. I have a hard time really wrapping my mind around the fact that sometimes a person or a place can be in my life and be good, intense, a huge learning experience, give and share so much, and not be forever.
I'm looking futureward to the next eight or so months, getting ready to leave this place. Even though I've been in different houses, I've lived on this island for almost five years, and I wonder how I'll feel about it all as I leave. I have a feeling I'll be listening to Toast a lot.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Home, Home Again
and I can definitely say, to quote another band, "what a loooooooong, strange trip it's been."
Three weeks and a day of traveling all over the east coast. I went from Philly to Allentown, PA, from there a quick trip up to Albany for a concert, then back to Allentown, then Boston, then Baltimore, then back to Allentown, then to NYC, then to Philly (with a trip from NYC out to Long Island to meet my ride back to Philly). Then yesterday morning, I left Philly for my trek back to Orcas Island, which, all told, took 18 hours.
In a way it was a rock star kind of trip, waking up in all these different cities. So many nights, I had the sensation of coming in or out of sleep and being disoriented, wondering where I was. It was great. Throughout the trip, I slept on couches, in two hotels, in a basement spare room, in a shared twin bed in a dorm room and on a pullout couch. I saw so many friends it was amazing. Not just the ones I stayed with, but friends I saw at concerts, friends who came to my reading in New York City, a friend who I rarely get to see and who is going to Iraq in January. We met for two hours, went out to eat at a brewery, it was the fourth time I've seen in the last seven years. I get a little choked up sometimes, just thinking about how precious it is to have these short encounters with people who matter.
The crazy part was how much of this trip and the people I saw centered around the internet. I met the aforementioned friend years ago online, as well as most of the people I stayed with. I hung out with Linda in Baltimore, and we met in an online writing class. We'd never met in real life before my trip. The connection was so there, it was incredible. It always amazes me how accurate the internet connections are. I met some online friends at shows, people I'd never met before, and felt instantly comfortable. Also met one friend while about to leave Philly, another great connection. The person I stayed with for the most amount of time was Diane. She's a photographer who does a lot of work at rock shows, including the Chris Cornell shows we saw. Her pictures rock, definitely click on that link and check her pics out. We also met online.
I also saw friends I've had forever, especially in NYC at my reading. Afterwards, a bunch of us went out to eat, and even though it was bringing together different groups of friends from varied locations, backgrounds, ages, and from different places or periods in my life, it all went smoothly.
Even more amazingly, so did all the transportation. The trip was like a marathon of getting up at god-awful early hours to travel from one city to another. I rode all kinds of buses, made all kinds of connections, took the T in Boston, the subway in NYC and the Baltimore metro (whatever they call it), the LIRR, Greyhound, shuttles, and probably modes of transportation I can't remember at this point. It's all sort of a blur. And somehow, I always made my connection and got where I was going. Really, if I think about it, it seems like a miracle. I can't believe it all fit, it all worked how it was supposed to. I didn't want to say it at thanksgiving because I was afraid I would jinx it, but man, I am so thankful for TIMING, above all. Even last night, my flight was a little late, and then on the shuttle to the ferry, there was traffic. I was really worried I wouldn't make the ferry, and I had to make that ferry because I was meeting a friend on the boat and we were riding home together. Somehow, the shuttle got there just in time, the ferry left the dock about five seconds after I stepped on board. We had to have someone else take my suitcase because it wouldn't fit in my friend's car, and just as she dropped me off at my apartment, the car with my suitcase arrived, like it had been choreographed or something. Really, I feel blessed in the timing department.
Basically what I'm trying to say is, my trip was incredibly awesome. Great timing, great friends, great food, great music, great shopping excursions, great wine, great conversations. Hugged some good-looking guys, too. I even got hit on during my trip home, and loved the ego boost. I couldn't have asked for a better trip, really. From start to finish, it was great. When I first landed in Philly, on a shuttle from there to my friend Leo's, (which got me to my stop just in time for Leo to take me to her house on her lunch break, like I said, timing was like, divinely ordained here or something), during the ride, as I gushed inside over the foliage, something clicked. It felt immediately and undeniably SO RIGHT to be on the east coast.
It's funny, when I first moved out to WA, I used to get really internally confused by the water. I'd see it on buses through Seattle out to my left and it felt like we were going South. I kept having to correct myself. It's strange b/c mosto f my time on the east coast, pretty much all of it, was spent without water in seeing distance, but I guess intrinsically, my sense of direction and where the ocean was, was instinctual. It used to mess me up constantly in Seattle, because I relied a lot on cardinal directions to determine where I was going. On the island, it's a bit irrelevant, since water's in every direction. On that shuttle ride from the airport to Leo's house, though, it was like that internal sense of direction and water fell back into place completely, even though, again, I couldn't see the water. Somehow though, I knew we were going North. I can't explain it, sort of like a biological compass had clicked back into place.
And the verdict about the college thing is....
I LOVED Emerson. To me, it's a done deal that I'll be going there this Fall. Before I went to my visit, I told myself, okay, don't expect too much, don't expect that any school will feel like the absolute and only school, basically, the most likely result would be that no one place would be the be-all end-all perfect place. I'd never felt that about any school I'd visited before, including Emerson the first time when I was seventeen, and I've visited a lot of schools over the years. Well, it totally did feel terribly, disgustingly, amazingly pefect. I have no doubt I'll go there. That's assuming I get in, I guess, but I do assume that.
So I've got about nine months to save up as much money as possible, look for scholarships every day, and get ready to move my life from one coast to another.
In the meantime, I gotta go make some pasta for dinner.
Currently listening:
"Peeping Tommi" - Tori Amos
Three weeks and a day of traveling all over the east coast. I went from Philly to Allentown, PA, from there a quick trip up to Albany for a concert, then back to Allentown, then Boston, then Baltimore, then back to Allentown, then to NYC, then to Philly (with a trip from NYC out to Long Island to meet my ride back to Philly). Then yesterday morning, I left Philly for my trek back to Orcas Island, which, all told, took 18 hours.
In a way it was a rock star kind of trip, waking up in all these different cities. So many nights, I had the sensation of coming in or out of sleep and being disoriented, wondering where I was. It was great. Throughout the trip, I slept on couches, in two hotels, in a basement spare room, in a shared twin bed in a dorm room and on a pullout couch. I saw so many friends it was amazing. Not just the ones I stayed with, but friends I saw at concerts, friends who came to my reading in New York City, a friend who I rarely get to see and who is going to Iraq in January. We met for two hours, went out to eat at a brewery, it was the fourth time I've seen in the last seven years. I get a little choked up sometimes, just thinking about how precious it is to have these short encounters with people who matter.
The crazy part was how much of this trip and the people I saw centered around the internet. I met the aforementioned friend years ago online, as well as most of the people I stayed with. I hung out with Linda in Baltimore, and we met in an online writing class. We'd never met in real life before my trip. The connection was so there, it was incredible. It always amazes me how accurate the internet connections are. I met some online friends at shows, people I'd never met before, and felt instantly comfortable. Also met one friend while about to leave Philly, another great connection. The person I stayed with for the most amount of time was Diane. She's a photographer who does a lot of work at rock shows, including the Chris Cornell shows we saw. Her pictures rock, definitely click on that link and check her pics out. We also met online.
I also saw friends I've had forever, especially in NYC at my reading. Afterwards, a bunch of us went out to eat, and even though it was bringing together different groups of friends from varied locations, backgrounds, ages, and from different places or periods in my life, it all went smoothly.
Even more amazingly, so did all the transportation. The trip was like a marathon of getting up at god-awful early hours to travel from one city to another. I rode all kinds of buses, made all kinds of connections, took the T in Boston, the subway in NYC and the Baltimore metro (whatever they call it), the LIRR, Greyhound, shuttles, and probably modes of transportation I can't remember at this point. It's all sort of a blur. And somehow, I always made my connection and got where I was going. Really, if I think about it, it seems like a miracle. I can't believe it all fit, it all worked how it was supposed to. I didn't want to say it at thanksgiving because I was afraid I would jinx it, but man, I am so thankful for TIMING, above all. Even last night, my flight was a little late, and then on the shuttle to the ferry, there was traffic. I was really worried I wouldn't make the ferry, and I had to make that ferry because I was meeting a friend on the boat and we were riding home together. Somehow, the shuttle got there just in time, the ferry left the dock about five seconds after I stepped on board. We had to have someone else take my suitcase because it wouldn't fit in my friend's car, and just as she dropped me off at my apartment, the car with my suitcase arrived, like it had been choreographed or something. Really, I feel blessed in the timing department.
Basically what I'm trying to say is, my trip was incredibly awesome. Great timing, great friends, great food, great music, great shopping excursions, great wine, great conversations. Hugged some good-looking guys, too. I even got hit on during my trip home, and loved the ego boost. I couldn't have asked for a better trip, really. From start to finish, it was great. When I first landed in Philly, on a shuttle from there to my friend Leo's, (which got me to my stop just in time for Leo to take me to her house on her lunch break, like I said, timing was like, divinely ordained here or something), during the ride, as I gushed inside over the foliage, something clicked. It felt immediately and undeniably SO RIGHT to be on the east coast.
It's funny, when I first moved out to WA, I used to get really internally confused by the water. I'd see it on buses through Seattle out to my left and it felt like we were going South. I kept having to correct myself. It's strange b/c mosto f my time on the east coast, pretty much all of it, was spent without water in seeing distance, but I guess intrinsically, my sense of direction and where the ocean was, was instinctual. It used to mess me up constantly in Seattle, because I relied a lot on cardinal directions to determine where I was going. On the island, it's a bit irrelevant, since water's in every direction. On that shuttle ride from the airport to Leo's house, though, it was like that internal sense of direction and water fell back into place completely, even though, again, I couldn't see the water. Somehow though, I knew we were going North. I can't explain it, sort of like a biological compass had clicked back into place.
And the verdict about the college thing is....
I LOVED Emerson. To me, it's a done deal that I'll be going there this Fall. Before I went to my visit, I told myself, okay, don't expect too much, don't expect that any school will feel like the absolute and only school, basically, the most likely result would be that no one place would be the be-all end-all perfect place. I'd never felt that about any school I'd visited before, including Emerson the first time when I was seventeen, and I've visited a lot of schools over the years. Well, it totally did feel terribly, disgustingly, amazingly pefect. I have no doubt I'll go there. That's assuming I get in, I guess, but I do assume that.
So I've got about nine months to save up as much money as possible, look for scholarships every day, and get ready to move my life from one coast to another.
In the meantime, I gotta go make some pasta for dinner.
Currently listening:
"Peeping Tommi" - Tori Amos
Monday, November 12, 2007
Writing from the road - Allentown, PA
It's been a long time since I wrote anything of substance here on my blog. No, I didn't fall off the face off th e face of the Earth, but let me tell you guys, the latest Mercury Retrograde hit hard. I can't blame it all on that though, as it started before, and lasted until after. I will be honest, I spent most of late September and October lounging around my hourse, cleaning, organizing and rearranging my house, and watching HOUSE.
I will digress to say, I've watched the entire series THREE TIMES. Yes, I'm sure that sounds pathetic to anyone who isn't me, and I'm sure it probably is, but here's the thing. First of all, I went through every part of my house - kitchen drawers, closets, the chest that the TV sits on, the shelves in my bedroom closet and the cabinets under my bathroom sink. I totally reorganized everything. When I first moved into my apartment, a year and a half ago, I was seeing Mr. O and he soon moved in with doggie, and it was all haphazard, with some organization as we went along (he was actually very clean and liked to arrange the house, which was great because at the time, I was pretty much a slob). For months I've felt like I wanted to re=organize, really make things mine, that sort of thing, but never got around to it. Until I downloaded all the seasons of House. I put on the pilot episode and wandered over to the kitchen.
The first day I watched nine episodes in a row, but watched is a very loose term. I turned the episodes on then got up and went into the kitchen. I cleared up all the dirty dishes and spent the whole day after doing the basic cleaning, sorting through the kitchen drawers. I decided clearly what each would be for. THe next day I watched nine more episodes, just as loosely, and completely reorganized all the kitchen cabinets. I had some new dishes and I put them in a new place and just loved the way th ey looked together and with my mugs. I made myself a tea shelf, easily reachable. I even organized my canned goods so that I liked the way they looked together, and they were also arranged with a scheme, a thought-out arrangement, soups with soups, that sort of thing.
Surprisingly, for being legally blind, I'm very visual. Call it my Venus in the Second House, or call it an artistic eye, whatever it is, I made every cabinet in my kitchen aesthetically pleasing to me, so that I felt satisfied looking at it, and also knew where everything was. I got rid of so much, huge amounts of food for the food bank, and trash. It works so much better now, thnough. The pots and pans all comfortably fit in one cabinet. Everything is just perfect. Along with that, I listened to shows about african sleeping sickness, leprosy, termite poisoning, rabies, and so on. Medical mysteries, weird diseases, I loved it.
As the weeks went on, I went through the every other orifice of my house, every nook and cranny. I got rid of so much old clothing, old papers. I put stuff I wanted to get rid of, and Mr. O's stuff, into my storage unit, always with House in the background. WHen I went through the whole series, I started at the beginning, and then again, and actually I was on my fourth round when I left for my trip.
As time went on though, I was less motivated. Instead of cleaning all the time, I spent a lot of episodes laying on the couch. Life had started to suck. There were three situations in my life that to me felt really unresolved - something with my family, stuff with Mr. O, and a situation with a friend that was bringing me down. In all three, I didn't know what to say, so I mostly didn't say anything. I finally said something to the friend, and it didn't go well. The other two are still semi up in the air, dont' know where I stand. All three just seemed to escalate at the same time, and I retreated into the world of medical mysteries and House. I am so attracted to him. Slower and slower I went through the house, still getting it done, but at about a tenth of the original pace.
There was so much on m y mind - saying goodbye to my doggie, getting ready to send her across the country to her dad, all the finagling that came along with that, trying to find a ride and a crate, dealing with all the airline regulations, I hardly even thought about packing or making my own travel arrangements. Right before I left, I re-cleaned the kitchen. Though I'd cleaned my house (and spent one Sunday afternoon and many House episodes painstakingly removing dog hair from the tubing of my vaccuum cleaner), dishes had piled up. By the time I got everything done, it was 2am. I was so tired, and it was my last night in the house with puppy, I never even made it to the bed, I crashed on my couch watching an episode of House about a woman with Munchasn's (sp?), one of the diseases or conditions that fascinates me most. THe dog fell asleep on the couch with me, then got down and slept on the floor next to the couch. WHen I woke up at 5 she was sleeping on her pillow in her crate, like a little angel dog that she was.
I left my house before 6am, my boss drove me to Seattle. We took so many stops, to get the crate, to eat, to let the dog go potty. We took her to a park near the airport and let her run around for a long time, gave her a meal, lots of water, time and space on a long leash. A few hours later, we finally dropped her off for her flight, which went off without a hitch. I met a friend for dinner, then went for my flight.
The next day I landed in Philly, mid morning Eastern time. I took a shuttle from the airport to a hotel where my friend picked me up. The whole ride from the airport ot htat hotel, it was like something clicked. I felt like myself again. Things were in place. I felt happier than I had in weeks, even with my situations still feeling unresolved, not knowing what my trip will bring, what I'll think of the colleges I'm visiting. It just felt in a way, like coming home.
It felt great. I have been in PA for five days. Tomorrow I leave for the next leg of my trip. Woo hoo!
Currently listening:
"All Night Thing" - Chris Cornell live, which btw, my next post has to be about. I just saw him twice, for the first time in years.
I will digress to say, I've watched the entire series THREE TIMES. Yes, I'm sure that sounds pathetic to anyone who isn't me, and I'm sure it probably is, but here's the thing. First of all, I went through every part of my house - kitchen drawers, closets, the chest that the TV sits on, the shelves in my bedroom closet and the cabinets under my bathroom sink. I totally reorganized everything. When I first moved into my apartment, a year and a half ago, I was seeing Mr. O and he soon moved in with doggie, and it was all haphazard, with some organization as we went along (he was actually very clean and liked to arrange the house, which was great because at the time, I was pretty much a slob). For months I've felt like I wanted to re=organize, really make things mine, that sort of thing, but never got around to it. Until I downloaded all the seasons of House. I put on the pilot episode and wandered over to the kitchen.
The first day I watched nine episodes in a row, but watched is a very loose term. I turned the episodes on then got up and went into the kitchen. I cleared up all the dirty dishes and spent the whole day after doing the basic cleaning, sorting through the kitchen drawers. I decided clearly what each would be for. THe next day I watched nine more episodes, just as loosely, and completely reorganized all the kitchen cabinets. I had some new dishes and I put them in a new place and just loved the way th ey looked together and with my mugs. I made myself a tea shelf, easily reachable. I even organized my canned goods so that I liked the way they looked together, and they were also arranged with a scheme, a thought-out arrangement, soups with soups, that sort of thing.
Surprisingly, for being legally blind, I'm very visual. Call it my Venus in the Second House, or call it an artistic eye, whatever it is, I made every cabinet in my kitchen aesthetically pleasing to me, so that I felt satisfied looking at it, and also knew where everything was. I got rid of so much, huge amounts of food for the food bank, and trash. It works so much better now, thnough. The pots and pans all comfortably fit in one cabinet. Everything is just perfect. Along with that, I listened to shows about african sleeping sickness, leprosy, termite poisoning, rabies, and so on. Medical mysteries, weird diseases, I loved it.
As the weeks went on, I went through the every other orifice of my house, every nook and cranny. I got rid of so much old clothing, old papers. I put stuff I wanted to get rid of, and Mr. O's stuff, into my storage unit, always with House in the background. WHen I went through the whole series, I started at the beginning, and then again, and actually I was on my fourth round when I left for my trip.
As time went on though, I was less motivated. Instead of cleaning all the time, I spent a lot of episodes laying on the couch. Life had started to suck. There were three situations in my life that to me felt really unresolved - something with my family, stuff with Mr. O, and a situation with a friend that was bringing me down. In all three, I didn't know what to say, so I mostly didn't say anything. I finally said something to the friend, and it didn't go well. The other two are still semi up in the air, dont' know where I stand. All three just seemed to escalate at the same time, and I retreated into the world of medical mysteries and House. I am so attracted to him. Slower and slower I went through the house, still getting it done, but at about a tenth of the original pace.
There was so much on m y mind - saying goodbye to my doggie, getting ready to send her across the country to her dad, all the finagling that came along with that, trying to find a ride and a crate, dealing with all the airline regulations, I hardly even thought about packing or making my own travel arrangements. Right before I left, I re-cleaned the kitchen. Though I'd cleaned my house (and spent one Sunday afternoon and many House episodes painstakingly removing dog hair from the tubing of my vaccuum cleaner), dishes had piled up. By the time I got everything done, it was 2am. I was so tired, and it was my last night in the house with puppy, I never even made it to the bed, I crashed on my couch watching an episode of House about a woman with Munchasn's (sp?), one of the diseases or conditions that fascinates me most. THe dog fell asleep on the couch with me, then got down and slept on the floor next to the couch. WHen I woke up at 5 she was sleeping on her pillow in her crate, like a little angel dog that she was.
I left my house before 6am, my boss drove me to Seattle. We took so many stops, to get the crate, to eat, to let the dog go potty. We took her to a park near the airport and let her run around for a long time, gave her a meal, lots of water, time and space on a long leash. A few hours later, we finally dropped her off for her flight, which went off without a hitch. I met a friend for dinner, then went for my flight.
The next day I landed in Philly, mid morning Eastern time. I took a shuttle from the airport to a hotel where my friend picked me up. The whole ride from the airport ot htat hotel, it was like something clicked. I felt like myself again. Things were in place. I felt happier than I had in weeks, even with my situations still feeling unresolved, not knowing what my trip will bring, what I'll think of the colleges I'm visiting. It just felt in a way, like coming home.
It felt great. I have been in PA for five days. Tomorrow I leave for the next leg of my trip. Woo hoo!
Currently listening:
"All Night Thing" - Chris Cornell live, which btw, my next post has to be about. I just saw him twice, for the first time in years.
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