I Just Had the Coolest Afternoon!

Wow.

Okay, I just had an awesome afternoon. Today I met with a woman who works as a naturopathic physician who is totally blind. I mean, WOW. Totally inspiring. It's one of those times that reminds me that my visual impairment is NOT an excuse to not do things! I mean this woman is a doctor! She went through classes like gross anatomy and diagnostic imaging with no eyesight at all. How amazing is that?!?! It makes me feel like, yes, I can do science stuff, and there are all kinds of alternative techniques to do visually-intense things, in school and in life.

She also invited me to a group of blind and visually-impaired knitters and I'm going to do it. I'm good with my hands, and that is something that I've always felt that if I were taught how to do, I could really do by feel. So I am going to go get my knit on and be a stitchin' bitch! It'll be really nice to get connected with the visually-impaired community too. I'm psyched about that!

I came away from that appointment feeling really fired up and inspired. I also felt SO affirmed in my decision to attend school rather than that program in CO. She had some insight about that and the organization that totally backed up the feelings I was getting about things. I still want to make a post about that someday, about groups and organizations and their "central dogma" to use a bio term, but feel I need to really carefully consider my words b/c I am worried about the response. Anyway I felt like I learned SO much from her today about what I can do to succeed in science classes. She keyed me in to some really great strategies and techniques, and she's local so I feel like she's someone I could talk to if anything came up. WOW.

Not to mention, if I haven't already that there is a visually-impaired chemistry prof. at my school, who just happens to be the brother in law of a good friend of mine from Orcas. He helped me move in even! So I just have to say, it's yet another thing that makes me feel like I am SO GLAD I am here. I feel like Portland is just teeming with resources. And I was kind of in a funk, so this inspiring afternoon was just what the doctor ordered! It really is good to remember that whatever I choose to do in life, the eyesight is not a good enough excuse not to. I mean hell now they have blind people working for NASA, and there is a woman in WA who is working hard to be an FBI investigator even though she is blind. So it's like, fuck yeah!

The coolest part was, this was a chance meeting in a way. One of the presenters for my one-credit class a few weeks ago said something that made me want to ask her a follow-up question. The class is huge, so I waited at the end of the line to talk to her and when we met, she asked me about my eyesight and I said yeah I am visually-impaired, and she said, "Oh I have to connect you with this person I know, she's brilliant..." and so she called me a few hours later with this woman's contact info, and we talked and decided to meet this afternoon. It was just awesome! This seems to be the place of chance encounters, let me tell you. There is a crazy story about how a girl who used to live on Orcas randomly met the director of the company that put on my India program, and they bonded over the fact that they both knew me, and then there were some other WILD coincidences with that. Just makes me feel like I am in the right place!

Okay well, I have to get ready for class. We have our second exam on Monday, on much harder material but still I am going to fucking ROCK IT!

Currently Listening:
"Someone Else's Life" - Joshua Radin - I still don't know what to think of this guy. It's like I can't tell if he's really emotionally sincere, or a real tool. I mean, I like him a lot but I do get a feeling that something is lacking somehow, some element of rawness or depth or intensity or something. Still, I like. A lot. And he worked with Tori, a major point in his favor in my book!

Somehow
I'm leading someone else's life
I cut a star down with my knife

And right now
I still see the way the moon
Plays this tune
Though our lights died.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

And somehow
I'll make tonight our own
I'll show you every way I've grown
Since I met you

And right now
I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along
If you let me.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

If you let me,
I'll show the world to you.
Yes, if you let me,
I'll know just what to do.

Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.

When I'm lost
In your eyes
I see a way for me

Class Sign-Up Predicament (A Blessing in Disguise?)

So I have a bit of a predicament for signing up for classes.

I have to take between 6-8 credit hours each term this year. If I take less than six, I don't get financial aid. If I take more than eight, then it's more than half-time, and I simply can't afford it even with the financial aid. Also if I take eight or less all year, then next year I can be considered an Oregon resident for the rest of my schooling, which will make all the difference in the world. I will seriously be paying less going full-time next year as a state resident, than I am this year at half-time. By a pretty significant amount!

So pretty straightforward, right? 6-8 credits shouldn't be too hard to manage. Most classes are 4, so it should be easy.

Except that the Biology class I'm taking is a 5-credit class b/c it includes the lab. So that alone is not enough, and if I add any regular class, that puts me at 9 and I'm over my limit. So what it basically means I have to do is take some more unusual classes.

This quarter it was fine, there was an easy 1-credit class to add, kind of a career exploration class for science people. We see presentations every week, and have to turn in assignments answering questions based on the presentation and have a final essay to write at the end. It's just pass/fail, no real grade, but I am loving the class, and the assignments are pretty easy, just some self-reflection basically.

It's funny, I took a similar class in the physics department when I was in school before, and it was a lot easier, there were no assignments, no final essay, all you really had to do was show up. And at that time, it really turned me off to physics, because other than teaching, all the careers we heard about were related to defense. And anyone who knows me knows that there is absolutely no way I would EVER do that. So that class was a real bummer even though it was a lot less work. I'm glad I'm liking my current class a lot better!

But the point is, there are no classes like that next term. There are still some cool options, though they took some digging in the class schedule to find. There's a handful of PE classes I might be interested in - self-defense, swimming, yoga, belly dancing - as well as some potential music classes - voice, piano, guitar - aimed for beginners who are not music majors, like myself. I am really thinking about signing up for voice for next term.

I have wanted voice lessons my whole life so bad. As a kid, anytime I asked, my mom said I didn't have enough natural talent, which just crushed me every time. I remember the summer before my junior year of high school, I was writing a lot of poems and songs, and I kind of strategized all summer, preparing my case to ask again. There was a program for music lessons for visually-impaired people that made lessons super affordable, and I could cover the rest out of allowance. I thought that might help my case. And then after the second day back in school I finally worked up the courage to ask again, and got the same response. It was the perfect start to probably the worst year with some of my darkest days. I never asked again, and though I always thought about signing up for something like that in college, I never had the guts b/c I knew what kind of response I would get from my family. It's like, how many times are you going to let someone punch you in the face? So I never went near that topic again. As an adult I could never really afford it, though I never really stopped thinking about it, through the years. When I was in India, there were a few times where it really came to me how much I wanted to be musical, and how I've sort of given up, and how I don't want to give up b/c it means too much to me. I promised myself I would look into it upon my return to the US.

So now, the opportunity is there, it would be part of my tuition, and it fits my schedule (could go to that right after bio class) and the prof gets good reviews. It's a little scary b/c it's been so emotionally loaded a topic for me, and I've felt a lot of hurt around the topic. I think if I take a class like that, it's going to stir some stuff, shake me up some. Maybe that's a good thing. It feels like it could open up a can of worms of feelings that have been kinda stuck and lodged inside. Maybe the possibility of not shaking stuff up is a lot worse. I think when you grow up in a situation that feels oppressive and gives you certain beliefs about yourself, it is all too easy as you get older, to take over the oppression yourself and keep holding onto those beliefs. I don't want to live like that. I know I don't have any kind of stunning voice, but still I think I am okay, and if I take the class, it can only get better, right? I love to sing and I want to do it better, better express myself through music.

So I think I'm going to sign up for the class for winter quarter. It scares me, a lot, but sometimes those are the things that are really worth doing. And then in spring I might take the piano class. Sometimes, even (or especially) in school, you just have to follow your heart.

I never would have found this class if I wasn't in the predicament of needing to dig to find classes that are 1-3 credits, so even though at first I was like fuck, how am I going to stay within my credit range, I think it definitely turned out to be a blessing in disguise!


Currently Listening:
"The Good Left Undone" - Rise Against (who I saw at Lolla). Okay I must say that I completely misunderstood the chorus of this song the first time I heard it. I thought he was saying, "All because of you/I haven't slept in so long/When I do I dream/Of running in the ocean/reaching for the shore/Where I can let my hair down/I forgot your voice..." Not so terribly terribly off, but, definitely different.

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....

So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...

Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

All because of you.
All because of you.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!