It's a challenge, which is probably fairly obvious.
I go through this cycle sometimes, and it happened again today. I hear about a job, or in this case it was actually a volunteer position, and it really sparks my interest and I start thinking of all the reasons it's perfect for me and how much I would love to do it. And I start feeling this hopefulness and excitement and like my passion has been ignited in a way, and I feel it in my heart, my gut.
And then, along with that at a very slight delay, is the maelstrom of crappy feelings, all the worry that even if I get an interview, I'll never be picked, because of my disability, because even if I know I can do the job I won't be able to convince the person doing the hiring that I can. They'll have too many questions. And then there's the fact that deep down, I have my own worries that maybe they're right. So it starts to feel like this impossible wanting, like I really want the job or opportunity but I'll never be chosen. It sucks.
I've had some weird job interviews. I usually try to at least somewhat address my visual impairment because I know they are wondering about it. My eyes move. I don't really make eye contact. It's not like I can hide it. It's obvious. And if I bring it up, it usually makes the other person uncomfortable or they get quiet or a seemingly good interview seems to take a turn in the wrong direction. And sometimes I can tell that the moment the person realizes I'm visually-impaired, the door is closed. Living with something like this all your life, it gets so you can tell when a person is reacting to that, when they're uncomfortable, when they start talking to you like you might be mentally retarded, or fifteen years younger than you are. You can tell when they don't really believe you can do it.
It's grueling. I hate applying for jobs (doesn't everyone?) partly because I just don't want to deal with people's shitty attitudes and the uncomfortable situations and all the rejection.
The thing is, I've had a lot of jobs. In my life, I've worked in a kitchen, as an environmental education instructor, as a camp counselor at two very different camps, at a bookstore, a department store, a movie theater and for a short while, at a library. And I've worked as a self-employed editor/writing coach/transcriber and taught a writing class. It's not like I don't have a good track record. But none of that seems to matter, most of the time.
And the hardest part is knowing what to say and when. When I was younger, I basically just didn't address it. I didn't really even want to admit it to myself so I didn't talk about that with employers, but as I said, it is obvious, so, they knew. And as far as how that worked out - hard to say. I got some jobs, didn't get others, and some of my job experience was with the visually-impaired community, so maybe that made it easier.
As I got older I wanted to be more direct, as I've often found that not doing that is a disadvantage, leaves people with questions they feel they can't ask, etc. And that worked out...okayish. I mean, I got jobs, but it was often after months of looking.
And then I moved to Portland. Now, I was admittedly, out of practice. I'd had the same job for six years. I hadn't applied for a job in a long time. I decided to be even more open and usually mentioned my visual-impairment in my cover letter, in passing, assuring them that it would not affect my ability to do the job.
Well, I have not even gotten an interview. And yeah, it's hard to find jobs in Portland. Unemployment is at a real high, and you hear all kinds of stories about people with advanced degrees working at coffee shops with no benefits, that sort of thing. So, it's hard for everyone, and there is the factor that I am entering a different field (science) but I can't help wondering if my openness about my disability plays a part in the fact that I'm not getting asked to interviews.
70-75% of blind and visually-impaired people are unemployed. That number is STAGGERING, especially because there are so many gifted, brilliant and talented blind people who could do any number of jobs. A lot of the people who are employed are under-employed, or work in the visual-impairment field, which is great for those that are really into it, but it's not my personal calling.
I went to my school's career center a few months ago and this woman there looked over my resume and cover letter. She had almost no corrections. A little changing of this and that around, really like three comments in total. She didn't think that was the problem, at all. But she did tell me to take out everything that referenced my disability. Her advice was to leave no trace of that fact in my resume or cover letter (which feels a little...dishonest), and to wait until I get called for an interview and then mention it, somehow, after they ask but before I arrive. Because if I just show up all visually-impaired without giving them any indication they'll feel like I've tried to pull one over on them.
In the last few months, I've heard the same advice from other people as well. Still, it feels weird and awkward to deal with. I think the fact that I am now not putting anything like that on my application materials makes me feel a little dishonest and guilty. I dread the thought of going to those interviews, with people who probably will wish, after they invite me to go to one and I tell them I'm visually-impaired, that they could take the invite back.
So I've put off applying to this one job I REALLY want for awhile. I just don't want to get rejected! It is a job I KNOW I could do, one that totally fits my skills and strengths and interests but I don't know, I get scared. I just kinda don't want to deal. And then today I found out about a volunteer opportunity that is also kinda perfect, totally related to two different things I'm interested in, is only two hours a week (so I could potentially do the job and the volunteer thing and school - I'm at my best when I have a lot going on) would be an amazing opportunity and I have such genuine interest. And it's really close to where I live. And it would just be so, so awesome, and I find myself wanting to put off applying for that too b/c of the same shit.
I realize at this point that I am standing in my own way! If I don't jump on this, others will. It just sucks so much sometimes to get all excited and then there's the let down. It is just hard sometimes to want to face dealing with all the rest of everything. I get all nervous and immobilized and that just isn't helping the situation any. It just sucks sometimes and it can be hard to feel motivated to face the suckiness and awkwardness and the dilemma of how much do I say or not say and what's right and what's not and dealing with the other person's discomfort. Ugh.
But if I really want these opportunities, I've gotta grab 'em. So I think that'll be my mission for this weekend - get some of this shit done. Get out of my personal molasses and give it my best shot. Not really feeling the motivation to do it but I think I'll try to push through that and do it anyway!
Currently listening:
"Duet" - Rachael Yamagata and Ray Lamontagne
(Rachael)
Oh Lover, hold on
'till I come back again
For these arms are growin' tired,
And my tales are wearing thin
If you're patient I will surprise,
When you wake up i'll have come
All the angerwill settle down
And we'll go do all the things we should have done
Yes I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll be here if you will only come back home
(Ray)
Oh lover, i'm lost
Because the road i've chosen beckens me away
Oh lover, don't you rome
Now i'm fighting words I never thought i'd say
But I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll forgive you oh
If you just come back home
Hmmm mmmm
Hmmmm mmmm
(Both)
Oh lover, I'm old
You'll be out there and be thinking just of me
And I will find you down the road
And will return back home to where we're meant to be
'cause I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
We'll be back soon as we make history.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Some interesting things from the crazy world of immunology (and summer classes)
I just finished a four-week summer course in immunology, as part of my biology degree. Summer classes are INTENSE. Material that is usually spread out over an entire term is squished into four little weeks, and you have class four days a week, two and a half hours a day. And overall, you cover a huge, huge amount of material over a really short amount of time. There is lots of reading. It's intense.
To make it worse, Immunology is a 400-level biology class, meaning mostly seniors take it, who've had several years of bio already. I've had one. There are also two recommended prereq classes to take beforehand: cell biology and microbiology. Since all I've had is the first year (called "Principles" at my school), I haven't taken either. So, I knew I was getting into something a bit over my head. It was just, I really liked the immune system part of Principles, and I like a challenge and it sounded kind of badass to do something that difficult in a short amount of time, making it that much more difficult. And it just sounded soooo interesting. When I was first thinking about it, I asked my Principles prof if I would be crazy to try it. She said to me, "All our summer courses are intense but I think if someone could do it, it's you." And that felt really good. But I still thought it might be half-crazy to try. Anyway, the class was full. For awhile I checked, day after day, to see if there were any openings and when there weren't, I kinda gave up.
And then one night, less than a week before the start of summer session, I got drunk for the first time in months and was talking to a friend and realized that spaces were opening up in summer classes, and felt newly inspired and drunkenly decided to sign up for the class. It's just, I was signed up for what probably would have been a cupcake class, but the thought of taking immunology just got me excited and sometimes you gotta live your passions. So I drunkenly decided to sign up.
The last four weeks were a total whirlwind. And I learned some interesting things that I want to share on here, now that it's all over.
But let's start with the basics. I told someone yesterday what class I was taking and she paused for a minute and said, "Okay, what does that even mean?" So, basically what we learned about is how the immune system works and what happens when it doesn't. A lot of it would probably be boring to most people. There's a lot of really detailed learning about what different types of cells do, and there are SO many different kinds of cells in the immune system and sometimes what they do overlaps. We also learned about antibodies, and how our bodies make them to be specific for different foreign invaders, and about inflammation and later allergic reactions, and about how each different type of cell matures, and how it activates (which are long sequences of this protein in the cell does this to the next protein, which does this to the next protein, which splits the next protein and on and on until you get the turning on or off of genes). And then we learned about the little chemicals each type of cell puts out and had to learn what each of these things, oh and what's on the surface of all the different cell types and how that helps it act, and autoimmune disorders and the complement system (for anyone who is familiar with this type of thing, on my final today we had to draw the complete classical pathway of complement activated by IgG against a red blood cell, up through lysis of that rbc, which I had some fun with).
It would be hard to overstate the sheer amount of information we had to learn. There were so many charts and tables we pretty much had to memorize - antibody classes, cell surface molecules, complement molecules, cytokine molecules, all those steps of activation - where and how they're made, what they effect and how they do it. It was a whirlwind of information. There were probably close to 300 pages of lecture notes, not to mention the reading in the book, and all my own handwritten notes from lecture, with all the added things the prof talked about in addition to what was just on his formal notes. INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE. But I kinda loved it.
My favorite part, and I don't know why I am SO fascinated by this, maybe because it comes up a lot on things like Mystery Diagnosis, lol, is autoimmune disorders. I just find it so fascinating. There were only two questions about it on our final, two incredibly easy questions, which disappointed me because being so fascinated by it, I really knew that stuff fairly well. ANYWAY, here are some interesting things about autoimmune diseases:
Women are far, far more likely to get them than men, in most cases. In a lot, it's 2 or 3 to 1, but in some, it's as much as 10 or 20x more common in women! I mean, that is wild. Why the heck is that? Some are thinking it is related to estrogen or other female hormones. And that makes me wonder about all of the hormone-treated food we eat, and birth control pills and other types of contraception related to hormones, or hormone therapy during menopause. Women are also likely to get autoimmune conditions earlier than men. A really good example of that is myasthenia gravis, which will hit women in their 20s or 30s and men in their 50s or 60s or 70s.
Another thing our professor told us, more than once during the course of the class, was that autoimmune diseases are important because basically it will be very unlikely that anyone nowadays will make it to old age without getting one. A sobering thought, for sure. And a lot of things that I never even thought of as autoimmune conditions are, like diabetes type 1, chron's disease, inflammatory bowel syndrome, MS, celiac (which my doc thought I might have but thankfully, I do not). And then there were some I knew were, like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, and there were plenty I'd never heard of. I mean, ankylosing spondulitis (no idea if that's even spelled right) - that doesn't even sound like a real thing.
It does seem like these conditions are getting more common over time, and I think part of it is that testing is getting better, but still the thought that everyone's bound to end up with at least one is sobering.
Some have a high genetic correlation, like ankylosing (one of the highest, related to HLA-B27 gene), and some it's more iffy, like MS. And in MS, they're not even totally sure of what happens. Neurons get demyelinated (removal of the protective coating) but they're still not sure if it's by antibodies, or killer T cells, or some combination, or an upregulation of this thing called FAS which leads to cell death, or even how the invading antibodies and T cells cross the blood-brain barrier.
And some are related to infections. The two we learned about are an association between a certain (rare) strain of strep with later development of rheumatic fever, and kids who get coxsackie virus have a higher tendency to get diabetes type 1, and to a lesser extent, some autoimmune conditions, including MS, have been linked with infections of Epstein-Barr. And there are also types of drug-induced autoimmunities, including a form of lupus. It makes me wonder if there are any autoimmune conditions linked with vaccinations, b/c they cause the body to make antibodies and mount an immune response. It would be interesting to know more about that.
Maybe it's a bit twisted because some of these are really, really horrible conditions, but I am so fascinated!
We also learned about all types of allergies (known as hypersensitivities in the world of immunology) and boy did we speed through that part of the course, and how there are four different types and all the different pathologies that result. And we went a little bit into some immune deficiencies, such as hereditary angioedema, which apparently is fairly common.
An interesting thing about allergies is that the first type (the more immediate type) is thought to have evolved as a way to fight off parasitic infections because that particular system is very efficient at dealing with that, and it is possible that we have increases in allergies of this type because in the western world, we don't really encounter many parasites. Apparently there is a correlation between people who've had some low-grade helminthic parasite infection and a decrease in allergies.
We talked about the different blood types and how even if you've never been exposed to another type, your body still makes antibodies to it (scientists don't know why b/c usually you need to have exposure for antibody production to be activated in any significant way). And we talked about Rh (Rhesis) factor and how that affects moms and babies, which had some personal relevance because it affected my brother and sister both.
The parts we did not get into were more detailed looks at immune deficiencies, transplant rejections, tumor immunology and vaccination. Kinda thinking of reading some of it on my own b/c it all sounds interesting.
But a lot of it, yeah, would probably be dreadfully boring, chapters and chapters of cellular stuff, to anyone who's not really into it so I will try not to bore anyone any more than I already have. It's just hard to stop myself because I really love it. And the crazy thing is, in this class, as intense as it was, we really only scratched the surface. There would be so much more to learn and understand.
Sometimes I have these thoughts like, the immune system is so exquisitely put together, so detailed and nuanced and intricate, and so many different mechanisms have come about to deal with so many different things, it's amazing. And b/c it's so intricate, it's sometimes surprises me that more doesn't go wrong more often, that people live as long as they do.
Just today, my friend Wren posted this article on her facebook, about if birth control pills affect womens taste in men and it is all based on the MHC complex, which was a huge topic of the course.
MHC, or HLA in humans, is a set of genes that determine what molecules are expressed on (almost) all of our cells. It is how cells of the immune system recognize cells as self or non-self. It is why our bodies try to attack transplanted tissue. In the article it suggests that women can smell a man's MHC/HLA type (this was mentioned briefly in my textbook for Principles as well - crazy!) and seek out ones that are different than their own. It makes perfect sense in terms of evolution because if you mate with someone whose HLA is different than your own, your kid would theoretically have a better chance of survival and avoiding the genetic susceptibilities to diseases and autoimmune conditions. It's kind of like how pure-bred dogs are often at higher risk for diseases than mixes.
It was even suggested in our Principles book that people can smell whether people themselves are homozygous (got the same copy of the gene from both parents, aka themselves have less genetic diversity) or heterozygous (got different copies of the genes from each parents so have more genetic diversity themselves) and tend towards the latter.
Anyway, it's an interesting article!
All in all, I think I did pretty well in the class. We had two exams, and I did exceedingly well on the first one, a complete perfect score, but the final was a lot harder, covered a lot more, and more complex material and it was comprehensive, so, it was tough. I need to somehow stop myself from ever changing my answers, lol. I still felt okay, but man that exam was brutal! One of the hardest I have ever taken.
Regardless, it's over and I enjoyed it and learned a lot. I was mentally engaged and interested. But it is a relief to be done. And just when I think I'll have some big reprieve from all that work, on Monday I start genetics, which I honestly think, in comparison, will be a lot easier. There aren't any prerequisites beyond what I've already taken and it won't be so over my head, I hope, and I'll have people I know in my class. So, looking forward to that. And then, after those four weeks, I will have a real summer vacation.
Currently listening:
"Catalyst" - Anna Nalick - been on a Grey's music kick - especially Season Five, which I loved, but I'm actually not entirely sure where this song is from, oh well.
Catalyst
L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go?
'Cause something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home
So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst
When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see
So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the scar
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, on God
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the
Catalyst
These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go
To make it worse, Immunology is a 400-level biology class, meaning mostly seniors take it, who've had several years of bio already. I've had one. There are also two recommended prereq classes to take beforehand: cell biology and microbiology. Since all I've had is the first year (called "Principles" at my school), I haven't taken either. So, I knew I was getting into something a bit over my head. It was just, I really liked the immune system part of Principles, and I like a challenge and it sounded kind of badass to do something that difficult in a short amount of time, making it that much more difficult. And it just sounded soooo interesting. When I was first thinking about it, I asked my Principles prof if I would be crazy to try it. She said to me, "All our summer courses are intense but I think if someone could do it, it's you." And that felt really good. But I still thought it might be half-crazy to try. Anyway, the class was full. For awhile I checked, day after day, to see if there were any openings and when there weren't, I kinda gave up.
And then one night, less than a week before the start of summer session, I got drunk for the first time in months and was talking to a friend and realized that spaces were opening up in summer classes, and felt newly inspired and drunkenly decided to sign up for the class. It's just, I was signed up for what probably would have been a cupcake class, but the thought of taking immunology just got me excited and sometimes you gotta live your passions. So I drunkenly decided to sign up.
The last four weeks were a total whirlwind. And I learned some interesting things that I want to share on here, now that it's all over.
But let's start with the basics. I told someone yesterday what class I was taking and she paused for a minute and said, "Okay, what does that even mean?" So, basically what we learned about is how the immune system works and what happens when it doesn't. A lot of it would probably be boring to most people. There's a lot of really detailed learning about what different types of cells do, and there are SO many different kinds of cells in the immune system and sometimes what they do overlaps. We also learned about antibodies, and how our bodies make them to be specific for different foreign invaders, and about inflammation and later allergic reactions, and about how each different type of cell matures, and how it activates (which are long sequences of this protein in the cell does this to the next protein, which does this to the next protein, which splits the next protein and on and on until you get the turning on or off of genes). And then we learned about the little chemicals each type of cell puts out and had to learn what each of these things, oh and what's on the surface of all the different cell types and how that helps it act, and autoimmune disorders and the complement system (for anyone who is familiar with this type of thing, on my final today we had to draw the complete classical pathway of complement activated by IgG against a red blood cell, up through lysis of that rbc, which I had some fun with).
It would be hard to overstate the sheer amount of information we had to learn. There were so many charts and tables we pretty much had to memorize - antibody classes, cell surface molecules, complement molecules, cytokine molecules, all those steps of activation - where and how they're made, what they effect and how they do it. It was a whirlwind of information. There were probably close to 300 pages of lecture notes, not to mention the reading in the book, and all my own handwritten notes from lecture, with all the added things the prof talked about in addition to what was just on his formal notes. INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE. But I kinda loved it.
My favorite part, and I don't know why I am SO fascinated by this, maybe because it comes up a lot on things like Mystery Diagnosis, lol, is autoimmune disorders. I just find it so fascinating. There were only two questions about it on our final, two incredibly easy questions, which disappointed me because being so fascinated by it, I really knew that stuff fairly well. ANYWAY, here are some interesting things about autoimmune diseases:
Women are far, far more likely to get them than men, in most cases. In a lot, it's 2 or 3 to 1, but in some, it's as much as 10 or 20x more common in women! I mean, that is wild. Why the heck is that? Some are thinking it is related to estrogen or other female hormones. And that makes me wonder about all of the hormone-treated food we eat, and birth control pills and other types of contraception related to hormones, or hormone therapy during menopause. Women are also likely to get autoimmune conditions earlier than men. A really good example of that is myasthenia gravis, which will hit women in their 20s or 30s and men in their 50s or 60s or 70s.
Another thing our professor told us, more than once during the course of the class, was that autoimmune diseases are important because basically it will be very unlikely that anyone nowadays will make it to old age without getting one. A sobering thought, for sure. And a lot of things that I never even thought of as autoimmune conditions are, like diabetes type 1, chron's disease, inflammatory bowel syndrome, MS, celiac (which my doc thought I might have but thankfully, I do not). And then there were some I knew were, like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, and there were plenty I'd never heard of. I mean, ankylosing spondulitis (no idea if that's even spelled right) - that doesn't even sound like a real thing.
It does seem like these conditions are getting more common over time, and I think part of it is that testing is getting better, but still the thought that everyone's bound to end up with at least one is sobering.
Some have a high genetic correlation, like ankylosing (one of the highest, related to HLA-B27 gene), and some it's more iffy, like MS. And in MS, they're not even totally sure of what happens. Neurons get demyelinated (removal of the protective coating) but they're still not sure if it's by antibodies, or killer T cells, or some combination, or an upregulation of this thing called FAS which leads to cell death, or even how the invading antibodies and T cells cross the blood-brain barrier.
And some are related to infections. The two we learned about are an association between a certain (rare) strain of strep with later development of rheumatic fever, and kids who get coxsackie virus have a higher tendency to get diabetes type 1, and to a lesser extent, some autoimmune conditions, including MS, have been linked with infections of Epstein-Barr. And there are also types of drug-induced autoimmunities, including a form of lupus. It makes me wonder if there are any autoimmune conditions linked with vaccinations, b/c they cause the body to make antibodies and mount an immune response. It would be interesting to know more about that.
Maybe it's a bit twisted because some of these are really, really horrible conditions, but I am so fascinated!
We also learned about all types of allergies (known as hypersensitivities in the world of immunology) and boy did we speed through that part of the course, and how there are four different types and all the different pathologies that result. And we went a little bit into some immune deficiencies, such as hereditary angioedema, which apparently is fairly common.
An interesting thing about allergies is that the first type (the more immediate type) is thought to have evolved as a way to fight off parasitic infections because that particular system is very efficient at dealing with that, and it is possible that we have increases in allergies of this type because in the western world, we don't really encounter many parasites. Apparently there is a correlation between people who've had some low-grade helminthic parasite infection and a decrease in allergies.
We talked about the different blood types and how even if you've never been exposed to another type, your body still makes antibodies to it (scientists don't know why b/c usually you need to have exposure for antibody production to be activated in any significant way). And we talked about Rh (Rhesis) factor and how that affects moms and babies, which had some personal relevance because it affected my brother and sister both.
The parts we did not get into were more detailed looks at immune deficiencies, transplant rejections, tumor immunology and vaccination. Kinda thinking of reading some of it on my own b/c it all sounds interesting.
But a lot of it, yeah, would probably be dreadfully boring, chapters and chapters of cellular stuff, to anyone who's not really into it so I will try not to bore anyone any more than I already have. It's just hard to stop myself because I really love it. And the crazy thing is, in this class, as intense as it was, we really only scratched the surface. There would be so much more to learn and understand.
Sometimes I have these thoughts like, the immune system is so exquisitely put together, so detailed and nuanced and intricate, and so many different mechanisms have come about to deal with so many different things, it's amazing. And b/c it's so intricate, it's sometimes surprises me that more doesn't go wrong more often, that people live as long as they do.
Just today, my friend Wren posted this article on her facebook, about if birth control pills affect womens taste in men and it is all based on the MHC complex, which was a huge topic of the course.
MHC, or HLA in humans, is a set of genes that determine what molecules are expressed on (almost) all of our cells. It is how cells of the immune system recognize cells as self or non-self. It is why our bodies try to attack transplanted tissue. In the article it suggests that women can smell a man's MHC/HLA type (this was mentioned briefly in my textbook for Principles as well - crazy!) and seek out ones that are different than their own. It makes perfect sense in terms of evolution because if you mate with someone whose HLA is different than your own, your kid would theoretically have a better chance of survival and avoiding the genetic susceptibilities to diseases and autoimmune conditions. It's kind of like how pure-bred dogs are often at higher risk for diseases than mixes.
It was even suggested in our Principles book that people can smell whether people themselves are homozygous (got the same copy of the gene from both parents, aka themselves have less genetic diversity) or heterozygous (got different copies of the genes from each parents so have more genetic diversity themselves) and tend towards the latter.
Anyway, it's an interesting article!
All in all, I think I did pretty well in the class. We had two exams, and I did exceedingly well on the first one, a complete perfect score, but the final was a lot harder, covered a lot more, and more complex material and it was comprehensive, so, it was tough. I need to somehow stop myself from ever changing my answers, lol. I still felt okay, but man that exam was brutal! One of the hardest I have ever taken.
Regardless, it's over and I enjoyed it and learned a lot. I was mentally engaged and interested. But it is a relief to be done. And just when I think I'll have some big reprieve from all that work, on Monday I start genetics, which I honestly think, in comparison, will be a lot easier. There aren't any prerequisites beyond what I've already taken and it won't be so over my head, I hope, and I'll have people I know in my class. So, looking forward to that. And then, after those four weeks, I will have a real summer vacation.
Currently listening:
"Catalyst" - Anna Nalick - been on a Grey's music kick - especially Season Five, which I loved, but I'm actually not entirely sure where this song is from, oh well.
Catalyst
L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go?
'Cause something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home
So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst
When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see
So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the scar
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, on God
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the
Catalyst
These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go
Friday, July 2, 2010
Geese and Poetry
Well, it has been awhile (though let me just say I have written and not posted several blogs, not that that's necessarily a good thing, just kinda wanting to say I haven't completely ignored the blog, just felt somewhat reticent about posting) and I guess I don't have much to share, but lately I keep thinking about posting poems I like, so that's what I'm gonna do.
It's funny to say this, as a writer and a person who LOVES lyrics, but I am not so big on poetry. Out of any form of writing, I know without question that it's my weakest area. And it takes a lot for me to really like a poem. In several instances, I like poems that friends have written more than those by established poets, but from going to several poetry gatherings on Orcas I have collected and cultivated some that I really love. I've been going through all my folders lately, so it's been nice to come acrosss some of these treasures. I want to read over the ones I've collected, and collect more. And I just feel like sharing.
So the one I have really been thinking about lately is "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver. I am not always a huge fan of hers, but it seems this one comes in and out of my life. I've read it at various writers circles and workshops, it's quoted in my friend Janet Thomas' book Day Breaks Over Dharamsala and it was on my mind a lot when I went and did the Snow Goose weekend over spring break in Montana. I was sort of leading the poetry and writing section of that weekend and one of the things I wanted to do was bring in poems about birds or geese (and just as an aside, one of the many conclusions I've come to after my first year of biology with the aid of that weekend in Montana, is that birds are AMAZING creatures). I didn't really think this poem was great to read to eight-year-olds, but it's been on my mind off and on, ever since.
"Wild Geese"
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
I love that line, "You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." And when she says, "the world offers itself to your imagination," I immediately think of the natural world, and I relate to that. And who can resist a poem that starts with, "You do not have to be good"? That opening line will make anyone feel a sense of relief!
I also found this one, "Snow Geese" which I wish I had found before the Snow Goose weekend because it's a bit more accessible I think, to kids. Mary Oliver writes a lot about nature, and animals, and sometimes it's just a little too sweet and soft for me. I think that a lot about a lot of poets, like they're just saying, I saw this beautiful scene, but don't give it a story, if that makes sense. I like poems that awaken me to something, that make me feel, or think, or give me chills, or won't get out of my head, or make me hold my breath the way she describes in this following poem. So with that said, I must say I like "Wild Geese" above better than what I'm about to post, but since we're on the topic of geese, and since I like it okay, especially the beginning, here it is:
"Snow Geese"
by Mary Oliver
Oh, to love what is lovely, and will not last!
What a task
to ask
of anything, or anyone,
yet it is ours,
and not by the century or the year, but by the hours.
One fall day I heard
above me, and above the sting of the wind, a sound
I did not know, and my look shot upward; it was
a flock of snow geese, winging it
faster than the ones we usually see,
and, being the color of snow, catching the sun
so they were, in part at least, golden. I
held my breath
as we do
sometimes
to stop time
when something wonderful
has touched us
as with a match,
which is lit, and bright,
but does not hurt
in the common way,
but delightfully,
as if delight
were the most serious thing
you ever felt.
The geese
flew on,
I have never seen them again.
Maybe I will, someday, somewhere.
Maybe I won't.
It doesn't matter.
What matters
is that, when I saw them,
I saw them
as through the veil, secretly, joyfully, clearly.
Experiencing migrating snow geese really is a rare, transient and pretty astonishing thing to witness.
It's funny to say this, as a writer and a person who LOVES lyrics, but I am not so big on poetry. Out of any form of writing, I know without question that it's my weakest area. And it takes a lot for me to really like a poem. In several instances, I like poems that friends have written more than those by established poets, but from going to several poetry gatherings on Orcas I have collected and cultivated some that I really love. I've been going through all my folders lately, so it's been nice to come acrosss some of these treasures. I want to read over the ones I've collected, and collect more. And I just feel like sharing.
So the one I have really been thinking about lately is "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver. I am not always a huge fan of hers, but it seems this one comes in and out of my life. I've read it at various writers circles and workshops, it's quoted in my friend Janet Thomas' book Day Breaks Over Dharamsala and it was on my mind a lot when I went and did the Snow Goose weekend over spring break in Montana. I was sort of leading the poetry and writing section of that weekend and one of the things I wanted to do was bring in poems about birds or geese (and just as an aside, one of the many conclusions I've come to after my first year of biology with the aid of that weekend in Montana, is that birds are AMAZING creatures). I didn't really think this poem was great to read to eight-year-olds, but it's been on my mind off and on, ever since.
"Wild Geese"
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
I love that line, "You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." And when she says, "the world offers itself to your imagination," I immediately think of the natural world, and I relate to that. And who can resist a poem that starts with, "You do not have to be good"? That opening line will make anyone feel a sense of relief!
I also found this one, "Snow Geese" which I wish I had found before the Snow Goose weekend because it's a bit more accessible I think, to kids. Mary Oliver writes a lot about nature, and animals, and sometimes it's just a little too sweet and soft for me. I think that a lot about a lot of poets, like they're just saying, I saw this beautiful scene, but don't give it a story, if that makes sense. I like poems that awaken me to something, that make me feel, or think, or give me chills, or won't get out of my head, or make me hold my breath the way she describes in this following poem. So with that said, I must say I like "Wild Geese" above better than what I'm about to post, but since we're on the topic of geese, and since I like it okay, especially the beginning, here it is:
"Snow Geese"
by Mary Oliver
Oh, to love what is lovely, and will not last!
What a task
to ask
of anything, or anyone,
yet it is ours,
and not by the century or the year, but by the hours.
One fall day I heard
above me, and above the sting of the wind, a sound
I did not know, and my look shot upward; it was
a flock of snow geese, winging it
faster than the ones we usually see,
and, being the color of snow, catching the sun
so they were, in part at least, golden. I
held my breath
as we do
sometimes
to stop time
when something wonderful
has touched us
as with a match,
which is lit, and bright,
but does not hurt
in the common way,
but delightfully,
as if delight
were the most serious thing
you ever felt.
The geese
flew on,
I have never seen them again.
Maybe I will, someday, somewhere.
Maybe I won't.
It doesn't matter.
What matters
is that, when I saw them,
I saw them
as through the veil, secretly, joyfully, clearly.
Experiencing migrating snow geese really is a rare, transient and pretty astonishing thing to witness.
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