Well, my first reflection is that it flew by fast. I feel old. I'm not really, just approaching 28, but it feels old in a way. I remember having a discussion with friends about how people go through a major change around that age. Saturn return and all that. Oh, it's coming for sure. My other thought is that I think this past year was sort of boring in comparison to the one before. Last time I filled out one of these things I felt present and sparky, this year felt a little blah.
So anyway, here's my answers to the end of year survey, same one I did last year.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Went to Hawaii, and with that flew over the ocean, used a composting toilet, tried Brazilian food, drank out of a coconut, ate fresh coconut, papaya, guava fruit and other new foods. Got published, once in print, once online. Went to an artist residency, which was awesome in soooo many ways. Ate Ethiopian food (thanks Eileen), had parties at my apartment with friends from work, got set up on a blind date (which I didn't actually go on), got a lot of really bizarre dating approaches - getting approached at all was pretty new - (let's see, one of my ex's friends, who's probably 20 years older than me at least asked me out and months later when I was out with friends, he kept trying to grab me and hug me as I walked by; I got hit on by a much older woman one night; had a gay man telling me he loved me and flirting with me; then there was the blind date guy who was also quite a bit older, who lied to me in our first conversation (yeah, it went from him telling me he doesn't do any drugs to him telling me about this one time he did crack) and who, after our first conversation on the phone, asked if he could call me every day; and there were others I won't go into, some truly bizarre). Usually I get no approaches, so this year was, uh, flattering I suppose, nice to be noticed, but yeah, a little overdosed on strange.
Let's see, what else? It's the first year since I was seventeen that I didn't see any live music at all. That one's unforgivable and I must make amends for the coming year. I had friends visit from the east coast who never had before. I had a solo visit with Leo. And oh yeah, I visited western Canada (Victoria) with her which was years overdue and which also meant I took an international ferry, got my first stamp on my passport. I rode a horse - traded with the horseback riding instructor at camp, tarot for horse riding. It was great, we rode through all these trails, and then went to the arena and had the horse cantor. It was fun. My legs hurt for days after that! I added lots of guilty pleasure songs to my music collection (oh some of it is downright embarrassing). There are other things I'm too embarrassed to admit, at least here anyway.
I gained almost 30 pounds, which was definitely a first. I was at the same weight since eighth grade or so, steady for over a decade, then I suddenly lost weight a few years ago, no idea why (but it was really lovely when a doctor asked me if I had an eating disorder or if I was using heroin). So last year at this time I was at an all time low in body size, and this year I made up for it and then some. Funny thing is, I feel much happier at my current size than I used to at my old standard eighth grade size, even though my old size was more culturally desirable (a friend very tactfully said that I actually look like a real person now). When I think of my old size, it's like a breeze could've blown me over and I don't want to go back to it. I feel fuller now, substantial and stronger, more womanly and voluptuous, and surprisingly, I feel a lot sexier.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I ever did get around to making any last year and if I did I most certainly didn't keep them. I don't know if I'll make any this year, though I like to think I might. A friend and I always make three wishes for the year to come, and I remember two fo mine from last year, and neither happened. Hmmm.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, and it's starting to freak me out, expecially in the last few months. I mean, knock on freakin' wood, I haven't had to deal with that much death of anyone directly close to me. Whenever I read or hear things (or watch medical shows where people die), I start thinking about that and it's like, life can't and won't stay that way. I don't know, I suddenly feel very aware that every person I'm close to is someone who will one day die, and I also start worrying what if I haven't experienced that much death because I'm going to die young? I've been really worried about death lately. More than usual.
5. What countries did you visit? Hawaii, Canada, America.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?Dating approaches and flirtation from guys who are at least mildly appropriate. Romance, dates, hot sex. College acceptance letters, scholarships, an incredibly awesome financial aid package. Financial success for my writing (in 2008, I had some successes and none of them included that). A fling with Maynard from Tool (kidding). A girl can dream, can't she?
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This is where I feel that 2008 was a little blah - nothing stands out with searing joy or sorrow, like it did last time I filled this out, it's hard for me to remember specific dates (and I have a mind for numbers, so this is unusual for me). Feb 20-25 - Hawaii, March 7-14 artist residency, Oct 18 (last day of work, party), June 15-20 Leo's visit, Jan 19 found out I got published in The Sun and saw my name in print for the first time, Feb 26 found out I got a piece in Shark Reef, July 19, Oct 31, and I'm sure there's more
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Pulling together this India trip, for sure. Months in the making.
9. What was your biggest failure? I'd say the fact that I'm still on Orcas feels kinda failure-y, like I should be doing more with my life, but then again if I had left earlier, I probably wouldn't be going to India next month, so. It definitely wasn't a successful year for love. Or for doing actual writing, probably the year I've written the least in a loooong time.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Knock on wood, no.
11. What was the best thing you bought? A bed, that I love, that I will miss in India and that I will relish when I get back, it's freakin' awesome.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Everyone cool, I don't know? Nothing jumps to mind. In fact, with most of these, I have to really think, no pressing answers, again the blah.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Chris Cornell. My own.
14. Where did most of your money go? Rent, bills, savings, the aforementioned bed, clothes, the deposit for the India program.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? India. But also really, really, really terrified.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? ELECTRIC FEEL by MGMT, hands down.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Depends on the day, I don't have an overall answer.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter.
c) richer or poorer? Richer.
18. What do you with you'd done more of? Writing. Smiling. Reading. Being more authentic and saying what I feel. Making out.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Being a pushover. Being scared.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? (Or did.) You don't want to ask me that, because you really don't want to know.
21. What was your favorite TV program? Ohhhh can I have more than 1 vote? I want to say House for the medical mysteries and intellectual stimulation and the back and forth banter and witty sarcasm (and I like that House and Cuddy made out, and how screwed up they got over it afterwards). I want to pick The Office because of how hilarious it is, and how intricately woven the plot can be. I do have to say though, I think this season is a little lacking. It's like they keep dropping story lines (Holly arrives and a few episodes has to leave and nothing more w/her, Ryan leaves after a few episodes, Jan has baby and you never hear anything about it again, sort of nothing happened w/Pam in art school, just feels like they are sprinkling things in, then doing nothing with it, and it's bugging me, though the episodes are still great). I think though, that if I was forced to pick, I'd pick Grey's Anatomy. I just love it, love the characters, love the stories, love how it's funny and dramatic and sexy and medical and rich emotionally, and if we're going with current, I love Alex and he had some great storylines this year. Especially with everything that happened with Rebecca/Ava. I always rooted for him with Izzie and man did they have some scenes (the one where he tries, pretty idiotically, to tell her he wants to "go steady" with her, and then when he says he loves her before the solo surgery) that I've watched over and over. So, all in all, Grey's.
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't think I hated anyone either time.
23. What was the best book you read? The Kite Runner. The best book I re-read was The God of Small Things.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Damien Rice's 9 Crimes - never listened to it really before this year, and god I love it so much, even though I've played it to death. A few of his more rare songs too. I discovered (and in some cases re-discovered) some rare Jeff Buckley tracks. The one I'm stuck on now is "Alive" and also played the shit out of "Forget Her" earlier in the year. Also got pretty obsessed with Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" which I think is expertly written. And a bunch of songs from my favorite shows. Can't forget "Colors" by Amos Lee, love that song!
25. What did you want and get? A better social life. Some writing glory. Fun. A much better financial situation. Inner strength. Better credit.
26. What did you want and not get? Asked out/hit on by someone remotely appropriate - I swear if I wanted to go out with fifty year olds (or older), older women, gay men, married or otherwise unavailable, or guys who want to tell me about doing crack, and how it made them 50-60 times more turned on than usual, I'd be rolling in dates, but apparently single, male, into girls and remotely near my age is a lot too much to ask.
27. What was your favorite film of this year? The Secret Life of Bees.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 27, and if I remember, it was really, really low-key. A few people came over, we hung out, then went to the bar, and no one was there. Monday night on an island in the dead of winter isn't exactly the recipe for partying hard.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Romance, love, sex, or anything remotely resembling any of the above.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Out with the old, in with the good and sexy. I also ascribed to the "try on/buy/wear what you're most instinctually, irresistably attracted to" philosophy. Actually the only thing that does bother me about my recent weight gain is that I have to buy all new clothes, and I like getting hot new clothes as much as the next girl, what bugs me is that I bought a bunch of clothes last year, and I always buy clothes thinking I'll have them for years (I've seriously had some things for over ten years), so last year when I replaced soome old stuff and got some great clothes, I expected they'd last, and now they really don't fit, at all.
31. What kept you sane? Insanity.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Alex from Grey's - and I don't mean Justin Chambers the actor, though shit he's hot, I mean the fictional Alex. I've never, ever been so into an on-screen person, to the point where I rewind and watch all his hot scenes over and over (and he has a lot of hot scenes, omg) and feel like I'm melting inside. Yes, I'm ridiculous, but in the absence of anything else, it's cool. I'm fascinated by his dichotomies, and I'm drawn in. I like to analyze the males on that show, they're all really interesting, and Alex, to me, is the most complex by far, the most emotionally rich of the male characters in a lot of ways.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? The thought of Sarah Palin as VP was a little too much to stomach, but what really got me stirred is hard to name, I got very interested in international relief, refugee situations, esp in the middle east.
34. Who did you miss? Everyone.
35. Who was the best new person you met? I can't pick just one, I met sooooo many cool people this past season working at camp and they are all so awesome. Jenny, Heather, Tami, Shane, Travis and many, many more! What also springs to mind the most are two people I met in 07 and got to know a little bit but who I got to know better this past year - Maryam and Forest.
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I think this year I was too exhausted by all the enormous life lessons of previous years
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Anything else would just not cut it:
All along the western front
People line up to receive.
She got the power in her hand
To shock you like you won't believe.
Saw her in the amazon
With the voltage running through her skin
Standing there with nothing on
She gonna teach me how to swim
I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
Turn me on with your electric feel
I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
Turn me on with your electric feel
All along the eastern shore
Put your circuits in the sea
This is what the world is for
Making electricity
You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in and change the world
You are my electric girl.
I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
Turn me on with your electric feel
I said ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
Turn me on with your electric feel
Do what you feel now
Electric feel now
Do what you feel now
Electric feel now
Do what you feel now
Electric feel now
Do what you feel now
Electric feel now
Do what you feel now
Electric feel now
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I Am Going a Little Crazy
Slowly, but surely.
So, it's Christmas Eve and I'm awake and wired and have absolutely nothing to do.
It's been snowing like crazy for the last week and a half. When it started I was in Seattle at a Christmas party with friends, and the next morning we couldn't get through the road. The next day I came back to Orcas and had a semi (but not terribly exciting)-adventure returning. And then it snowed and snowed and snowed some more. It's the most snow I've seen in the northwest, and it's my sixth winter here. It's wild, and awesome.
I'm loving it. It makes me want to go make snow angels and snowmen and build forts and have wild snowball fights. The roads are a mess, I mean solid ice covered in inches of snow. Walking anywhere that's not a trodden path or shoveled walkway is deliriously fun, I sink in halfway up to my knees. I saw a drift the other day that's practically as tall as me. On a street corner, a bunch of kids made this snowman that is taller than me, with an orange traffic cone for a hat (though the snowman itself was taller than me, even w/o the hat). I wish I had a camera because I'd take zillions of pictures to immortalize this winter weather. Last year we got almost none and I was let down by that fact. So yeah, I'm loving it. It's been massively windy too, so sometimes I just stare out the sliding glass door to my little back porch and watched the snow blow around in these huge gusts. The shocking thing is that unlike other years, I haven't lost power, though I know those that have. I wouldn't mind it, briefly. I love storms, love them.
The only downside is, I have cabin fever like you wouldn't believe. Town seems pretty shut down, and the winter weather keeps on coming, which again, I'm all for, but I'm also a little bored. More than a little. I think I now know how my dog felt. The last few months I had her, the weather was awful and I was working a lot so I wasn't taking her out as much, and I could sense this feeling of frustration from her, like she wanted to go run eighteen thousand miles and instead she was cooped up in my apartment while I worked. Now I sort of feel the same way, a little shut in with all this delirious winter happy energy and nothing to do with it. Town seems totally dead. A lot of my friends have left the island over the last few months, and my friend Becky, who was the one person I was hanging out with during all these snowstorms, just left yesterday morning to visit family for the holidays. And my friend Elynn who I spent a lot of last winter hanging out with is living on the other side of the island now, and like I said, the roads are total shit. I won't be able to get to the Christmas concert that is a tradition on Orcas, given by Susan Osborn, who is such an amazing singer. It was a magical experience last year, but it is on the other side of the island as well. My phone keeps dying because I'm spending so much time talking, to connect, to kill time. I hope my ears don't fall off, lol. Even the mail is getting fucked up and delayed. I'm going a little crazy. I check my mail (which is by PO box, so I actually have to walk to the PO) twice a day, just for something to do, and an excuse to get budndled up and tromp through the drifts.
I finished watching Grey's and I'm resisting starting to watch it again from the beginning, because I ordered the DVDs and I don't want any chance of being sick of it by the time they arrive. Although there are some scenes I must've replayed a million times. Which is odd for me, I never even did that with House, not even the House/Cuddy makeout scene. I found a Grey's board game online, and I'm such a dork that I actually really want it, even though I don't know who I'd play it with, oh and I'm leaving for a third world country in less than two months, but still.
And I'm too hyper and stir crazy to read or write, I just can't sit still like that. It's been a difficult holiday season for reasons I will not go into in a public blog, but shit, it's been a tough one. Which surprised me, because last year was such a great holiday season for me, I was so into it, baking cookies, even listening to Xmas music and all that crap. I'm pretty sure I posted about that. It rocked. This year, I might as well be a female scrooge. It's not really that bad, but it is bad. At least I do have somewhere to go tomorrow, so the loneliness won't eat me alive or I won't kill myself out of boredom. But yeah, I can't seem to sit still. I haven't even sat still while writing this blog.
And the worst part is, now it's raining. It was snowing earlier, and I say, bring it on, but now it's raining, and I'm going to have to have a word with mother nature if all the snow melts so soon. Because that's at least giving me something to smile about. It complicates things, as bitched about above, but it also so rare here, and I don't want it to fade too quickly, even if it's making me stir crazy. I am a complicated woman.
Unfortunately I don't have a camera, but my computer does, so here is the view out my door:
Well, I think I'll go kill time by cleaning my kitchen, which is exactly every single girl in their late twenties dreams of spending Christmas Eve, lol.
Currently Listening:
"Criminal" - Fiona Apple - I've been on yet another Fiona Apple kick lately. In fact I just recently found these two songs that are "supposedly" by her, "Ugly Girl" and "If We Kissed." The lyric sites I've looked do attribute both to Miss Apple, but they just don't sound like her, especially "Ugly Girl" which I must say, I don't really like at all. Still trying to find out for sure if they are her. Anyway, Criminal, great song, I always sing this at Karaoke when I get the balls to sing, which hasn't happened in quite some time. I would love to sing Never Is a Promise instead, which they have at the local karaoke deal, but I don't think I could pull it off, so Criminal it is. It's deliciously fun to get up there and sing that first line, "I've been a bad, bad girl," LOL. And I totally relate to, "I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand, but I keep living this day like the next will never come." And I love, "What would an angel say, the devil wants to know..." I will leave you all with that thought.
So, it's Christmas Eve and I'm awake and wired and have absolutely nothing to do.
It's been snowing like crazy for the last week and a half. When it started I was in Seattle at a Christmas party with friends, and the next morning we couldn't get through the road. The next day I came back to Orcas and had a semi (but not terribly exciting)-adventure returning. And then it snowed and snowed and snowed some more. It's the most snow I've seen in the northwest, and it's my sixth winter here. It's wild, and awesome.
I'm loving it. It makes me want to go make snow angels and snowmen and build forts and have wild snowball fights. The roads are a mess, I mean solid ice covered in inches of snow. Walking anywhere that's not a trodden path or shoveled walkway is deliriously fun, I sink in halfway up to my knees. I saw a drift the other day that's practically as tall as me. On a street corner, a bunch of kids made this snowman that is taller than me, with an orange traffic cone for a hat (though the snowman itself was taller than me, even w/o the hat). I wish I had a camera because I'd take zillions of pictures to immortalize this winter weather. Last year we got almost none and I was let down by that fact. So yeah, I'm loving it. It's been massively windy too, so sometimes I just stare out the sliding glass door to my little back porch and watched the snow blow around in these huge gusts. The shocking thing is that unlike other years, I haven't lost power, though I know those that have. I wouldn't mind it, briefly. I love storms, love them.
The only downside is, I have cabin fever like you wouldn't believe. Town seems pretty shut down, and the winter weather keeps on coming, which again, I'm all for, but I'm also a little bored. More than a little. I think I now know how my dog felt. The last few months I had her, the weather was awful and I was working a lot so I wasn't taking her out as much, and I could sense this feeling of frustration from her, like she wanted to go run eighteen thousand miles and instead she was cooped up in my apartment while I worked. Now I sort of feel the same way, a little shut in with all this delirious winter happy energy and nothing to do with it. Town seems totally dead. A lot of my friends have left the island over the last few months, and my friend Becky, who was the one person I was hanging out with during all these snowstorms, just left yesterday morning to visit family for the holidays. And my friend Elynn who I spent a lot of last winter hanging out with is living on the other side of the island now, and like I said, the roads are total shit. I won't be able to get to the Christmas concert that is a tradition on Orcas, given by Susan Osborn, who is such an amazing singer. It was a magical experience last year, but it is on the other side of the island as well. My phone keeps dying because I'm spending so much time talking, to connect, to kill time. I hope my ears don't fall off, lol. Even the mail is getting fucked up and delayed. I'm going a little crazy. I check my mail (which is by PO box, so I actually have to walk to the PO) twice a day, just for something to do, and an excuse to get budndled up and tromp through the drifts.
I finished watching Grey's and I'm resisting starting to watch it again from the beginning, because I ordered the DVDs and I don't want any chance of being sick of it by the time they arrive. Although there are some scenes I must've replayed a million times. Which is odd for me, I never even did that with House, not even the House/Cuddy makeout scene. I found a Grey's board game online, and I'm such a dork that I actually really want it, even though I don't know who I'd play it with, oh and I'm leaving for a third world country in less than two months, but still.
And I'm too hyper and stir crazy to read or write, I just can't sit still like that. It's been a difficult holiday season for reasons I will not go into in a public blog, but shit, it's been a tough one. Which surprised me, because last year was such a great holiday season for me, I was so into it, baking cookies, even listening to Xmas music and all that crap. I'm pretty sure I posted about that. It rocked. This year, I might as well be a female scrooge. It's not really that bad, but it is bad. At least I do have somewhere to go tomorrow, so the loneliness won't eat me alive or I won't kill myself out of boredom. But yeah, I can't seem to sit still. I haven't even sat still while writing this blog.
And the worst part is, now it's raining. It was snowing earlier, and I say, bring it on, but now it's raining, and I'm going to have to have a word with mother nature if all the snow melts so soon. Because that's at least giving me something to smile about. It complicates things, as bitched about above, but it also so rare here, and I don't want it to fade too quickly, even if it's making me stir crazy. I am a complicated woman.
Unfortunately I don't have a camera, but my computer does, so here is the view out my door:
Well, I think I'll go kill time by cleaning my kitchen, which is exactly every single girl in their late twenties dreams of spending Christmas Eve, lol.
Currently Listening:
"Criminal" - Fiona Apple - I've been on yet another Fiona Apple kick lately. In fact I just recently found these two songs that are "supposedly" by her, "Ugly Girl" and "If We Kissed." The lyric sites I've looked do attribute both to Miss Apple, but they just don't sound like her, especially "Ugly Girl" which I must say, I don't really like at all. Still trying to find out for sure if they are her. Anyway, Criminal, great song, I always sing this at Karaoke when I get the balls to sing, which hasn't happened in quite some time. I would love to sing Never Is a Promise instead, which they have at the local karaoke deal, but I don't think I could pull it off, so Criminal it is. It's deliciously fun to get up there and sing that first line, "I've been a bad, bad girl," LOL. And I totally relate to, "I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand, but I keep living this day like the next will never come." And I love, "What would an angel say, the devil wants to know..." I will leave you all with that thought.
Monday, December 22, 2008
House, Music and Coincidence
Three things I love very much.
So, I wouldn't exactly say that I believe in magical musical synchronicity, because t he skeptic in me doesn't believe in much of anything, but I sort of do. Sometimes I go through phases where I can predict what song will come on next, among tons of possibilities. Sometimes the perfect song comes on, for example, if I'm writing to someone or about to call them, and then somehow the one song that really makes me think of them comes up, (and just for a reference point, I have over 11,000 songs on iTunes). Or sometimes I'll be thinking about a song and it comes on. Or a song that just magically fits the situation. What I'm saying is, I don't know how it happens, maybe it's some sort of mind over matter thing, maybe it's completely random and I assign it meaning, but I do sort of believe in something there.
But I'm getting a little off track (though I must say that one of the songs I'm planning to write about in this post just came on), what I wanted to write about was music, House and coincidence intersecting. Oh and dreams, I've been dreaming partly in songs this past week.
I think I've clearly established the fact in this blog that I've seen every episode of House several times. So it shouldn't have come to a big surprise when last March, when I was at the writing residency (which just totally rocked my world), I came downstairs and a song was playing that I knew I knew, but couldn't place. As it played on, I suddenly realized, "Oh, that song's on an episode of House!" It was that song "Colors" that I included in my last post, by Amos Lee. That was the first time I ever heard a song from the show in the real world. It was pretty cool. I really love that song.
About two months after that, I was working at camp on Mother's Day Weekend, and who shows up as a guest at Camp but Dave Matthews and his family. I never met him (and honestly, didn't particularly care to). I'm not a big fan, but I do really love this one Dave Matthews song at the end of the House episode "Love Hurts." The song is called "Some Devil," and has this great line, "You said always and forever is such a long and lonely time." I don't know what it says about me that I'm drawn to that, but whatevs, I dig it. Anyway, so that whole weekend I couldn't get that song out of my head. Then one of my co-workers said that DM was in an episode of House. I'm not good at celebrity recognition (and really didn't even know what DM looked like), so I wasn't aware, and my friend went to go look it up, and came back and said, "His name on the show was Patrick--" I interrupted b/c I instantly knew what episode he was talking about, "Half-Wit," where the patient Patrick, is a guy who got in a bus accident at an early age, and was left mentally retarded but a musical savant. So then we joked around (we'd all been joking around about our celebrity guest all weekend), about going up to him and being like, "Hey, aren't you the guy who played a retarded guy on that show House?" and then these guys I work with were joking that they'd follow that up with, "Oh and weren't you in that band, Hootie and the Blowfish or something?" because we always used to listen to this 90s rock station on satellite radio and they'd always ask with any pop-ish song that came on (including DMB and other bands) if it was Hootie. We were sort of joiking about that, about pretending not to know who he was because DM was all anyone on staff was talking about all weekend. There was a lot of gushing, and we were too cool for that, of course, lol.
So, fast forward a few months to this past summer. I always listened to Democracy Now! on my iPod on my long walk to work, and I always paid attention to the music played during the breaks, because I always pat attention to music. A few times I heard songs by Rage Against the Machine, one time I heard Soundgarden's Hands All Over during a broadcast on global warming. One day I heard a song that I ikmmediately recognized as being from House, from the episode "Family," which I later looked up to find the name and artist, Brett Dennen's "Ain't No Reason." It totally excited me to have House and Democracy Now! coinciding somehow. For whatever reason that song, and a few others from the last half of Season 3 (like Josh Ritter's "Good Man") have always really stood out for me.
The next day or so, turning the corner from my road to head to work, again listening to Democracy Now! I heard a song I recognized, but couldn't tell from where. I just knew I'd heard it before, but when the break was over, Amy Goodman only announced the name of the song, "Time to Pretend," and never the artist. I didn't think much of it. Then the next day, still crazed over the song "Electric Feel" by MGMT, I decided to listen to the rest of the album. I put it on and went to the other room to straighten up my apartment, and as the first song played, I was like, "OMG, that's the song!" and I went and looked at my iTunes screen and it was indeed "Time to Pretend." I was just like, whoa. It's funny when the same songs keep cropping up. And I can't go anywhere or do anything without paying attention to what music is playing, whether I want to or not.
Then, a little over a month ago, some friends visited from NJ, and we went out to this pretty nice restaurant on the island during their last night here. Music was playing quietly in the background, to the point where I had to almost strain to hear it, but even in those cases, my attention is always drawn. A song came on that again I vaguely recognized but couldn't place. I was sort of singing along, I knew the words, I just couldn't place it. And then it hit me that this song, too, was from House. After coming home and doing some research I found it was "In the Waiting Line" by Zero 7. The wildest part was, I already had the song on my computer and didn't notice it. A friend gave me his whole music collection and it's so massive that months later, I still haven't listened to all of it, so that was a nice surprise.
By this point, I could pretty much sing along to any song from any episode, b/c I'd seen them all so many times, and I was starting to feel a real fondness for the music on the show.
After that was when I gave in to the obsession and started collecting the soundtracks from the various seasons of House. I found that the Zero 7 song wasn't the only one I already had. I also had a song by Gomez, and "Feel Good Inc" by Gorillaz, which plays during one of the very few scenes where House is running.
Just when my TV watching habit couldn't get any worse, I suddenly got into watching Grey's Anatomy. I had a lot of resistance to that show. A girl's not exactly apt to love a show that the guy she once lived with used to drool over and referred to as his "slutty hospital show." But because he had liked it so much, I had seen a lot of episodes (albeit oozing with jealousy all the while) and then last winter, some of my girl friends would come over and we'd watch it on Thursdays, but not enough to really keep up with the storylines fully.
So for whatever reason, I started watching all the old episodes on my computer. I think it's partly that I've exhausted House and I needed something medical to watch. When I had TV, I used to watch all these mystery diagnosis shows on the Discovery Health Channel, which were great. Sometimes, because of my prolific House-watching, I could solve the mysteries before the answer was revealed, or knew what specific diseases and their treatments were before it was discussed. So I had to fill that void, and started watching Grey's Anatomy, and LOVING IT way more than I thought I would. I'm a little obsessed. It's different than other shows I follow, namely House and The Office, because they're so witty and super intelligently clever, whereas Grey's is more emotional, but OMG I love it so much. And especially Dr. Alex Karev.
And the point is, of course I pay attention to the music there too. I've noticed some cross pollination between Grey's and House (and have recognized at least two people who appear in both shows - there's a woman who plays a freaked-out mom in an early episode of House who plays a woman who's dying of cancer who won't stop eating cake on Grey's, and a patient in the House episode "Fools for Love" plays Meredith and Derek's last clinical trial patient on Grey's. Damien Rice is in both show, twice in each. And Brett Dennen has songs in a few Grey's episodes. I also noticed in Grey's that during the first season, the makers of that sh ow must've been obsessed with Tegan & Sara - practically every song from So Jealous is on that first season, including my two favorites, "Fix You Up" and "Where Does the Good Go" and even in the first episode of Season 3, "Time Has Come Today," the one where Izzie is laying on the bathroom floor, there's a bunch of flashbacks, and a few of the flashbakcs are to a "mixer" that happened just before the first episode, and Tegan & Sara is playing in those flashbacks too! Weird.
But what really blew my mind was in the last episode I watched. I didn't watch the seasons in order, and actually got to season 2 last (a lot of which I had already seen, but it's amazing how much I didn't remember), and in the last episode of that season, what song comes on but "Colors" by Amos Lee! It came on during a "prom" they have at the hospital. It gave me chills. That's the only song that has actually been on both shows. It was a great way to end the viewing marathon with, it just seemed so synchronous, and so funny since that is the song I've been all hung up on, and included in my last post. It gave me chills when it came on.
So this is all obscure and kinda useless to anyone else, but it makes me happy, so I'm writing about it..
And here comes the dream part. A few nights ago, I had a dream that was very strange. It reminded me of the Orcas Island Writers Festival, there were all these tents set up with different workshops going on inside, and somehow Alex from Grey's was in this dream (and just for the record, I don't usually dream about fictional characters, but this time I did, and we were dating, and he had a baby daughter...???), and in one of the tents, the song "Hit the Ground" by Lizz Wright (which is a House song) was playing. What struck me was how clearly I heard the song in the dream, every word. That's unusual. It was really, really striking. Then last night I dreamt about Damien Rice's "Sleep, Don't Weep" which is not one of my favorite songs off of 9 Crimes, but is in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, in a three-parter that has to do with a ferry crash (I must say one of the things that draws me to the show is that it takes place in Seattle, and that they're always showing ferries, but I do NOT like the idea of them crashing being put into my head). Again, the song was very vividly in my dream. The rest of the dream was much stranger though, I mean just beyond bizarre, trying to escape some sort of haunted, evil house with a brother of some sort that seemed and looking nothing like my brother. Weird shit, I tell ya.
Again, this may be my strangest blog post. I realize no one is really oging to care about the intricacies of my favorite TV shows, but I don't care, it's all been in my head, some of it for months, and I need to get it out. So there.
Oh and I must say, about two weeks ago, I went to Seattle and saw my friend Eileen (also known as BlueShine), who's recently returned from Iraq, and we were just talking, shooting the shit, and she was telling me that there was one point when they couldn't really go anywhere, and she watched House for twelve hours. Oh, it warmed my heart and got me all excited to know she was into House too.
Anyway, I'm shutting up now.
Currently Listening:
"Hope for the Hopeless" - A Fine Frenzy - of course, a song from House, one I've been listening to a lot lately and lovin' it. I love this woman's voice. Here's the words:
Stitch, in your knitted brow
And you don't know how
You're going to get it out
Crushed, under heavy chest
Trying to catch your breath
But it always beats you by a step
All right now
Makin' the best of it
Playin' the hand you get
You're not alone in this
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope
Cold, in the summer breeze
Yet you're shivering
On your bended knee
Still, when your heart is sore
And the heavens pour
Like a willow bending with the storm
You'll make it
Runnin' against the wind
Playin' the cards you get
Something is bound to give
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope
There's hope
There's hope
There's hope
So, I wouldn't exactly say that I believe in magical musical synchronicity, because t he skeptic in me doesn't believe in much of anything, but I sort of do. Sometimes I go through phases where I can predict what song will come on next, among tons of possibilities. Sometimes the perfect song comes on, for example, if I'm writing to someone or about to call them, and then somehow the one song that really makes me think of them comes up, (and just for a reference point, I have over 11,000 songs on iTunes). Or sometimes I'll be thinking about a song and it comes on. Or a song that just magically fits the situation. What I'm saying is, I don't know how it happens, maybe it's some sort of mind over matter thing, maybe it's completely random and I assign it meaning, but I do sort of believe in something there.
But I'm getting a little off track (though I must say that one of the songs I'm planning to write about in this post just came on), what I wanted to write about was music, House and coincidence intersecting. Oh and dreams, I've been dreaming partly in songs this past week.
I think I've clearly established the fact in this blog that I've seen every episode of House several times. So it shouldn't have come to a big surprise when last March, when I was at the writing residency (which just totally rocked my world), I came downstairs and a song was playing that I knew I knew, but couldn't place. As it played on, I suddenly realized, "Oh, that song's on an episode of House!" It was that song "Colors" that I included in my last post, by Amos Lee. That was the first time I ever heard a song from the show in the real world. It was pretty cool. I really love that song.
About two months after that, I was working at camp on Mother's Day Weekend, and who shows up as a guest at Camp but Dave Matthews and his family. I never met him (and honestly, didn't particularly care to). I'm not a big fan, but I do really love this one Dave Matthews song at the end of the House episode "Love Hurts." The song is called "Some Devil," and has this great line, "You said always and forever is such a long and lonely time." I don't know what it says about me that I'm drawn to that, but whatevs, I dig it. Anyway, so that whole weekend I couldn't get that song out of my head. Then one of my co-workers said that DM was in an episode of House. I'm not good at celebrity recognition (and really didn't even know what DM looked like), so I wasn't aware, and my friend went to go look it up, and came back and said, "His name on the show was Patrick--" I interrupted b/c I instantly knew what episode he was talking about, "Half-Wit," where the patient Patrick, is a guy who got in a bus accident at an early age, and was left mentally retarded but a musical savant. So then we joked around (we'd all been joking around about our celebrity guest all weekend), about going up to him and being like, "Hey, aren't you the guy who played a retarded guy on that show House?" and then these guys I work with were joking that they'd follow that up with, "Oh and weren't you in that band, Hootie and the Blowfish or something?" because we always used to listen to this 90s rock station on satellite radio and they'd always ask with any pop-ish song that came on (including DMB and other bands) if it was Hootie. We were sort of joiking about that, about pretending not to know who he was because DM was all anyone on staff was talking about all weekend. There was a lot of gushing, and we were too cool for that, of course, lol.
So, fast forward a few months to this past summer. I always listened to Democracy Now! on my iPod on my long walk to work, and I always paid attention to the music played during the breaks, because I always pat attention to music. A few times I heard songs by Rage Against the Machine, one time I heard Soundgarden's Hands All Over during a broadcast on global warming. One day I heard a song that I ikmmediately recognized as being from House, from the episode "Family," which I later looked up to find the name and artist, Brett Dennen's "Ain't No Reason." It totally excited me to have House and Democracy Now! coinciding somehow. For whatever reason that song, and a few others from the last half of Season 3 (like Josh Ritter's "Good Man") have always really stood out for me.
The next day or so, turning the corner from my road to head to work, again listening to Democracy Now! I heard a song I recognized, but couldn't tell from where. I just knew I'd heard it before, but when the break was over, Amy Goodman only announced the name of the song, "Time to Pretend," and never the artist. I didn't think much of it. Then the next day, still crazed over the song "Electric Feel" by MGMT, I decided to listen to the rest of the album. I put it on and went to the other room to straighten up my apartment, and as the first song played, I was like, "OMG, that's the song!" and I went and looked at my iTunes screen and it was indeed "Time to Pretend." I was just like, whoa. It's funny when the same songs keep cropping up. And I can't go anywhere or do anything without paying attention to what music is playing, whether I want to or not.
Then, a little over a month ago, some friends visited from NJ, and we went out to this pretty nice restaurant on the island during their last night here. Music was playing quietly in the background, to the point where I had to almost strain to hear it, but even in those cases, my attention is always drawn. A song came on that again I vaguely recognized but couldn't place. I was sort of singing along, I knew the words, I just couldn't place it. And then it hit me that this song, too, was from House. After coming home and doing some research I found it was "In the Waiting Line" by Zero 7. The wildest part was, I already had the song on my computer and didn't notice it. A friend gave me his whole music collection and it's so massive that months later, I still haven't listened to all of it, so that was a nice surprise.
By this point, I could pretty much sing along to any song from any episode, b/c I'd seen them all so many times, and I was starting to feel a real fondness for the music on the show.
After that was when I gave in to the obsession and started collecting the soundtracks from the various seasons of House. I found that the Zero 7 song wasn't the only one I already had. I also had a song by Gomez, and "Feel Good Inc" by Gorillaz, which plays during one of the very few scenes where House is running.
Just when my TV watching habit couldn't get any worse, I suddenly got into watching Grey's Anatomy. I had a lot of resistance to that show. A girl's not exactly apt to love a show that the guy she once lived with used to drool over and referred to as his "slutty hospital show." But because he had liked it so much, I had seen a lot of episodes (albeit oozing with jealousy all the while) and then last winter, some of my girl friends would come over and we'd watch it on Thursdays, but not enough to really keep up with the storylines fully.
So for whatever reason, I started watching all the old episodes on my computer. I think it's partly that I've exhausted House and I needed something medical to watch. When I had TV, I used to watch all these mystery diagnosis shows on the Discovery Health Channel, which were great. Sometimes, because of my prolific House-watching, I could solve the mysteries before the answer was revealed, or knew what specific diseases and their treatments were before it was discussed. So I had to fill that void, and started watching Grey's Anatomy, and LOVING IT way more than I thought I would. I'm a little obsessed. It's different than other shows I follow, namely House and The Office, because they're so witty and super intelligently clever, whereas Grey's is more emotional, but OMG I love it so much. And especially Dr. Alex Karev.
And the point is, of course I pay attention to the music there too. I've noticed some cross pollination between Grey's and House (and have recognized at least two people who appear in both shows - there's a woman who plays a freaked-out mom in an early episode of House who plays a woman who's dying of cancer who won't stop eating cake on Grey's, and a patient in the House episode "Fools for Love" plays Meredith and Derek's last clinical trial patient on Grey's. Damien Rice is in both show, twice in each. And Brett Dennen has songs in a few Grey's episodes. I also noticed in Grey's that during the first season, the makers of that sh ow must've been obsessed with Tegan & Sara - practically every song from So Jealous is on that first season, including my two favorites, "Fix You Up" and "Where Does the Good Go" and even in the first episode of Season 3, "Time Has Come Today," the one where Izzie is laying on the bathroom floor, there's a bunch of flashbacks, and a few of the flashbakcs are to a "mixer" that happened just before the first episode, and Tegan & Sara is playing in those flashbacks too! Weird.
But what really blew my mind was in the last episode I watched. I didn't watch the seasons in order, and actually got to season 2 last (a lot of which I had already seen, but it's amazing how much I didn't remember), and in the last episode of that season, what song comes on but "Colors" by Amos Lee! It came on during a "prom" they have at the hospital. It gave me chills. That's the only song that has actually been on both shows. It was a great way to end the viewing marathon with, it just seemed so synchronous, and so funny since that is the song I've been all hung up on, and included in my last post. It gave me chills when it came on.
So this is all obscure and kinda useless to anyone else, but it makes me happy, so I'm writing about it..
And here comes the dream part. A few nights ago, I had a dream that was very strange. It reminded me of the Orcas Island Writers Festival, there were all these tents set up with different workshops going on inside, and somehow Alex from Grey's was in this dream (and just for the record, I don't usually dream about fictional characters, but this time I did, and we were dating, and he had a baby daughter...???), and in one of the tents, the song "Hit the Ground" by Lizz Wright (which is a House song) was playing. What struck me was how clearly I heard the song in the dream, every word. That's unusual. It was really, really striking. Then last night I dreamt about Damien Rice's "Sleep, Don't Weep" which is not one of my favorite songs off of 9 Crimes, but is in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, in a three-parter that has to do with a ferry crash (I must say one of the things that draws me to the show is that it takes place in Seattle, and that they're always showing ferries, but I do NOT like the idea of them crashing being put into my head). Again, the song was very vividly in my dream. The rest of the dream was much stranger though, I mean just beyond bizarre, trying to escape some sort of haunted, evil house with a brother of some sort that seemed and looking nothing like my brother. Weird shit, I tell ya.
Again, this may be my strangest blog post. I realize no one is really oging to care about the intricacies of my favorite TV shows, but I don't care, it's all been in my head, some of it for months, and I need to get it out. So there.
Oh and I must say, about two weeks ago, I went to Seattle and saw my friend Eileen (also known as BlueShine), who's recently returned from Iraq, and we were just talking, shooting the shit, and she was telling me that there was one point when they couldn't really go anywhere, and she watched House for twelve hours. Oh, it warmed my heart and got me all excited to know she was into House too.
Anyway, I'm shutting up now.
Currently Listening:
"Hope for the Hopeless" - A Fine Frenzy - of course, a song from House, one I've been listening to a lot lately and lovin' it. I love this woman's voice. Here's the words:
Stitch, in your knitted brow
And you don't know how
You're going to get it out
Crushed, under heavy chest
Trying to catch your breath
But it always beats you by a step
All right now
Makin' the best of it
Playin' the hand you get
You're not alone in this
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope
Cold, in the summer breeze
Yet you're shivering
On your bended knee
Still, when your heart is sore
And the heavens pour
Like a willow bending with the storm
You'll make it
Runnin' against the wind
Playin' the cards you get
Something is bound to give
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope
There's hope
There's hope
There's hope
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Long Time, No Post
Yeah, I know, it's been like, two and a half months.
There's lots of news to report, I suppose. It's been an interesting few months. I lost internet connection for awhile, which drove me nuts. I don't have TV so I rely on the internet for my fix. It drove me crazy to miss House and The Office, but what drove me even crazier was not being able to be really connected around election time. I like to keep up on those things, and it was like being totally disconnected from the world. And that's not to mention all the people I fell out of touch with. It sucked. I spent hours and hours on the phone with CenturyTel, trying to figure out what was wrong. They were telling me I'd have to take my computer to an Apple store (not easy to do, since I live on an island). Then my friend Rachel visited, and fixed it in about two seconds. Now I'm trying to catch up.
In other news, I quit my job. It was a pretty big deal. There were some major management changes in the department I worked in, and my new boss was pretty downright weird about my visual impairment and it made me really uncomfortable working there. It was a difficult month, from mid-September to mid-October. After working the same job, this came out of the blue. I was already a little unhappy there, but for other reasons, I wanted to do something that was more mentally engaging and less physically demanding, my body was exhausted, and with the commute (I walked about 45 minutes each way), it took up a lot of time and I just hadn't found the space to write. But this was totally unexpected and I just couldn't stay under the circumstances. So I gave my notice, and worked another two and a half weeks.
The last day was, ummm, classic. My co-worker who usually leads the shift called in sick and there were three of us, and 450 guests. We had to work late. Just a classic last day. After though, wow was that a night to remember...except I don't remember most of it. I went to the bar to celebrate and everyone came out that night. It really blew my mind, that was the most people I'd seen from work (and all different departments of work) come out in one night. It was wildly fun. I was very lovey. I remember hugging lots of people and telling them I loved them. It was all true, what a great group of people. I was probably the drunkest I've ever been, which was not fun the next day. I haven't been able to drink cranberry & vodka since. I continued to hang out with the fall staff for the next few weeks (which was even more fun after I wasn't working there). And in the next few weeks, said goodbye to a lot of awesome people. It was a season to remember in many respects.
Before all that leaving, I went to Bellingham with some camp friends, and checked out Fairhaven College, part of Western Washington University. I've written about it before on here somewhere. I really liked it, though I will have more to elaborate on that later. We came back on the 4th, and upon getting off the ferry, a freind got a call that Obama won Pennsylvania and Ohio, so we knew we were in for a good night. We drove to the bar and watched the results, definitely the quickest since I've been eligible to vote. I have more to say on that too.
Though I was no longer a kitchen employee, I did work a Women's Wellness Weekend at camp reading tarot cards, always my biggest event, $-wise, of the year. I made more in that weekend than I did in some two-week paychecks.
My friends from New Jersey, Rachel and Vito, came to visit. It was their first time out this way. I think it was a bit of culture shock. Another friend, Tara, is coming for a visit in December.
I'm planning to go to India for three months, starting in February. I wrote about all those plans in the "Adventures, Quests and Foreign Sands" post, and narrowed it down a few months ago, to the Latitudes program, which would consist of the India semester, and then a solo internship (also international), to be determined before departure for India. I've been working full-force on that. Had my interviews and got into the program and paid my deposit (which was pretty scary). Applied for scholarships and financial aid all over the place. Now I'm just waiting to find out about all that.
I've been reading a lot. I think the last time I posted about books, I was reading Dave Eggers' What is the What? which is basically the true-life story of a Sudanese refugee. Very good. I highly recommend it. After that, I went back and read Reading Lolita in Tehran, also excellent. It made me actually want to go back and reread a lot of the books I was assigned but never read in high school (there were lots of those), because Azar Nafisi's class discussions on those classics were so engaging. And I am sure that at least one of my friends (Leo, this means you), will be proud to know I actually, finally, convinced by so many people, picked up a copy of Wuthering Heights, which I found totally boring in high school (but that might be somewhat affected by the fact that I skimmed and skipped and generally didn't really read), but am willing to give another try as an adult. I also read the book recommended by Silver Lining in my last blog post, Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose - another great read. It invigorated my writing, for sure, and give me a whole host of other books and stories I want to read. Now, partly because of a discussion with Kali Durga, I picked up A Natural History of the Senses, which I started earlier this year and then abandoned. I'm loving it.
I've been loving this fifth season of House. I realized I wanted to post more about my reactions to that show (if I don't, I'll be in danger of falling into another online forum, and I don't need that, but I do need an outlet). So, maybe no one cares or wants to read that (except Mr. Luke Chastain, of course), but I don't care.
I've been listening to a lot of the music from House lately. It's really different than the music I usually gravitate towards, but I'm liking it. Some of the songs from the show that top my playlists are "Colors" by Amos Lee, In the Waiting Line by Zero 7, In the Deep by Bird York, On Saturday Afternoon in 1963 by Ricky Lee Jones, Baba O'Reily by The Who (who I love), and lots more. I'm trying to find the unofficial soundtrack for season 4, so if anyone's got any tips on how a girl could find such a thing, I'm all ears. Other music currently topping my charts include "Electric Feel" by MGMT (for sure THE song of this past summer), "Forget Her" by Jeff Buckley, everything Damien Rice - I'm still obsessing on him, "Beast of Burden" by the Stones (this song always reminds me Emily C, Forest and Gigi), "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman and again, many more.
Speaking of music, I don't even really want to talk about the new Chris Cornell stuff, too disappointing to stomach. In fact I started a whole post about it well over a month ago, but it was too depressing to finish.
And the great news is, I've been writing! I'm taking some classes and that's been helping me stay on track. I've been setting aside about three hours a day. It's been soul-satisfying and heart-wrenching at the same time, and it's good. Real good. Feels good to be back into it again. I want to get tons more done before I go to India. I've been digging into some tough stuff though!
Well, that's all for now. I've got to go bake pumpkin bread!
Currently Listening:
"Colors" - Amos Lee - I am really obsessed with this song, can't stop playing it over and over. For any other House fanatics, this song can be found in Season 2, episode 7 "Hunting" (what a GREAT title, on at least three different levels, for that episode), at the end, when Stacey turns House away after realizing that he stole and read her therapist's files on her. Here's the words:
Yesterday I got lost in the circus
Felling like such a mess
Now I'm down I'm just hanging on the corner
I can't help but reminisce
When you're gone, all the colors fade
When you're gone, no New Year's Day parade
You're gone
Colors seem to fade
Your mama called she said that you're downstairs crying
Feeling like such a mess
Yeah I hear you you're in the background bawling
What happened to your sweet summertime dress
I know we all, we all got our faults
We get locked in our vaults and we stay
But when you're gone, all the colors fade
When you're gone, no New Year's Day parade
You're gone
Colors seem to fade
Colors seem to fade
Yeah
There's lots of news to report, I suppose. It's been an interesting few months. I lost internet connection for awhile, which drove me nuts. I don't have TV so I rely on the internet for my fix. It drove me crazy to miss House and The Office, but what drove me even crazier was not being able to be really connected around election time. I like to keep up on those things, and it was like being totally disconnected from the world. And that's not to mention all the people I fell out of touch with. It sucked. I spent hours and hours on the phone with CenturyTel, trying to figure out what was wrong. They were telling me I'd have to take my computer to an Apple store (not easy to do, since I live on an island). Then my friend Rachel visited, and fixed it in about two seconds. Now I'm trying to catch up.
In other news, I quit my job. It was a pretty big deal. There were some major management changes in the department I worked in, and my new boss was pretty downright weird about my visual impairment and it made me really uncomfortable working there. It was a difficult month, from mid-September to mid-October. After working the same job, this came out of the blue. I was already a little unhappy there, but for other reasons, I wanted to do something that was more mentally engaging and less physically demanding, my body was exhausted, and with the commute (I walked about 45 minutes each way), it took up a lot of time and I just hadn't found the space to write. But this was totally unexpected and I just couldn't stay under the circumstances. So I gave my notice, and worked another two and a half weeks.
The last day was, ummm, classic. My co-worker who usually leads the shift called in sick and there were three of us, and 450 guests. We had to work late. Just a classic last day. After though, wow was that a night to remember...except I don't remember most of it. I went to the bar to celebrate and everyone came out that night. It really blew my mind, that was the most people I'd seen from work (and all different departments of work) come out in one night. It was wildly fun. I was very lovey. I remember hugging lots of people and telling them I loved them. It was all true, what a great group of people. I was probably the drunkest I've ever been, which was not fun the next day. I haven't been able to drink cranberry & vodka since. I continued to hang out with the fall staff for the next few weeks (which was even more fun after I wasn't working there). And in the next few weeks, said goodbye to a lot of awesome people. It was a season to remember in many respects.
Before all that leaving, I went to Bellingham with some camp friends, and checked out Fairhaven College, part of Western Washington University. I've written about it before on here somewhere. I really liked it, though I will have more to elaborate on that later. We came back on the 4th, and upon getting off the ferry, a freind got a call that Obama won Pennsylvania and Ohio, so we knew we were in for a good night. We drove to the bar and watched the results, definitely the quickest since I've been eligible to vote. I have more to say on that too.
Though I was no longer a kitchen employee, I did work a Women's Wellness Weekend at camp reading tarot cards, always my biggest event, $-wise, of the year. I made more in that weekend than I did in some two-week paychecks.
My friends from New Jersey, Rachel and Vito, came to visit. It was their first time out this way. I think it was a bit of culture shock. Another friend, Tara, is coming for a visit in December.
I'm planning to go to India for three months, starting in February. I wrote about all those plans in the "Adventures, Quests and Foreign Sands" post, and narrowed it down a few months ago, to the Latitudes program, which would consist of the India semester, and then a solo internship (also international), to be determined before departure for India. I've been working full-force on that. Had my interviews and got into the program and paid my deposit (which was pretty scary). Applied for scholarships and financial aid all over the place. Now I'm just waiting to find out about all that.
I've been reading a lot. I think the last time I posted about books, I was reading Dave Eggers' What is the What? which is basically the true-life story of a Sudanese refugee. Very good. I highly recommend it. After that, I went back and read Reading Lolita in Tehran, also excellent. It made me actually want to go back and reread a lot of the books I was assigned but never read in high school (there were lots of those), because Azar Nafisi's class discussions on those classics were so engaging. And I am sure that at least one of my friends (Leo, this means you), will be proud to know I actually, finally, convinced by so many people, picked up a copy of Wuthering Heights, which I found totally boring in high school (but that might be somewhat affected by the fact that I skimmed and skipped and generally didn't really read), but am willing to give another try as an adult. I also read the book recommended by Silver Lining in my last blog post, Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose - another great read. It invigorated my writing, for sure, and give me a whole host of other books and stories I want to read. Now, partly because of a discussion with Kali Durga, I picked up A Natural History of the Senses, which I started earlier this year and then abandoned. I'm loving it.
I've been loving this fifth season of House. I realized I wanted to post more about my reactions to that show (if I don't, I'll be in danger of falling into another online forum, and I don't need that, but I do need an outlet). So, maybe no one cares or wants to read that (except Mr. Luke Chastain, of course), but I don't care.
I've been listening to a lot of the music from House lately. It's really different than the music I usually gravitate towards, but I'm liking it. Some of the songs from the show that top my playlists are "Colors" by Amos Lee, In the Waiting Line by Zero 7, In the Deep by Bird York, On Saturday Afternoon in 1963 by Ricky Lee Jones, Baba O'Reily by The Who (who I love), and lots more. I'm trying to find the unofficial soundtrack for season 4, so if anyone's got any tips on how a girl could find such a thing, I'm all ears. Other music currently topping my charts include "Electric Feel" by MGMT (for sure THE song of this past summer), "Forget Her" by Jeff Buckley, everything Damien Rice - I'm still obsessing on him, "Beast of Burden" by the Stones (this song always reminds me Emily C, Forest and Gigi), "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman and again, many more.
Speaking of music, I don't even really want to talk about the new Chris Cornell stuff, too disappointing to stomach. In fact I started a whole post about it well over a month ago, but it was too depressing to finish.
And the great news is, I've been writing! I'm taking some classes and that's been helping me stay on track. I've been setting aside about three hours a day. It's been soul-satisfying and heart-wrenching at the same time, and it's good. Real good. Feels good to be back into it again. I want to get tons more done before I go to India. I've been digging into some tough stuff though!
Well, that's all for now. I've got to go bake pumpkin bread!
Currently Listening:
"Colors" - Amos Lee - I am really obsessed with this song, can't stop playing it over and over. For any other House fanatics, this song can be found in Season 2, episode 7 "Hunting" (what a GREAT title, on at least three different levels, for that episode), at the end, when Stacey turns House away after realizing that he stole and read her therapist's files on her. Here's the words:
Yesterday I got lost in the circus
Felling like such a mess
Now I'm down I'm just hanging on the corner
I can't help but reminisce
When you're gone, all the colors fade
When you're gone, no New Year's Day parade
You're gone
Colors seem to fade
Your mama called she said that you're downstairs crying
Feeling like such a mess
Yeah I hear you you're in the background bawling
What happened to your sweet summertime dress
I know we all, we all got our faults
We get locked in our vaults and we stay
But when you're gone, all the colors fade
When you're gone, no New Year's Day parade
You're gone
Colors seem to fade
Colors seem to fade
Yeah
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Things Don't Go Back to the Way They Were
It's definitely one of the hardest lessons, one I never seem to quite grasp fully, and it's been on my mind lately, as there have been a lot of changes at work in the last few weeks.
But today it home even harder. I was sitting at my computer, working on a scholarship essay, fiddling with iTunes and the new "genius" part of it (which for whatever reason, could make me playlists yesterday but can't today), and I clicked on an old favorite song by Chris Cornell. Then on this sidebar thing, it listed all these similar songs (of course in hopes I'd buy them), and I realized that he has some new music out.
I listened to it, barely. Wow, was it ever terrible. I mean just beyond my worst expectations (which were pretty low after Carry On). If I'd ever heard that crap on the radio, I would've changed the station in a second. I got all the way through one song (Long Gone), or should I say, it was the first one I played so I forced myself to sit through it. It was a very, very long five and a half minutes.
It's just incomprehensible to me. It was bad enough with Carry On (and the last two Audioslave albums, and to some extent, the first). I just couldn't reconcile that sort of fluffy, insubstantial music with no depth or soul with the Chris Cornell in the days of Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog and Euphoria Morning. Hearing this newest incarnation of the man is just too much. I felt sick to my stomach.
Chris Cornell, probably more than any other musical artist (except maybe Maynard and Tori), has touched my life with his music. It's hard to put it in words that don't come off as tired cliches, but Chris' music reached me at a difficult time and accompanied me through so many years. I owe a lot of my most treasured friendships to that man - because of an online forum I started going to in early 2000, based on talking about his music. There was so much raw emotion in his words, so much fucking poetry in the way that man wrote lyrics. His songs were so rich and meaningful and unique and gorgeous and deep.
Some of my very favorite snippets as examples:
"You say that midnight opens its arms to me"
from "When I'm Down," Euphoria Morning
But today it home even harder. I was sitting at my computer, working on a scholarship essay, fiddling with iTunes and the new "genius" part of it (which for whatever reason, could make me playlists yesterday but can't today), and I clicked on an old favorite song by Chris Cornell. Then on this sidebar thing, it listed all these similar songs (of course in hopes I'd buy them), and I realized that he has some new music out.
I listened to it, barely. Wow, was it ever terrible. I mean just beyond my worst expectations (which were pretty low after Carry On). If I'd ever heard that crap on the radio, I would've changed the station in a second. I got all the way through one song (Long Gone), or should I say, it was the first one I played so I forced myself to sit through it. It was a very, very long five and a half minutes.
It's just incomprehensible to me. It was bad enough with Carry On (and the last two Audioslave albums, and to some extent, the first). I just couldn't reconcile that sort of fluffy, insubstantial music with no depth or soul with the Chris Cornell in the days of Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog and Euphoria Morning. Hearing this newest incarnation of the man is just too much. I felt sick to my stomach.
Chris Cornell, probably more than any other musical artist (except maybe Maynard and Tori), has touched my life with his music. It's hard to put it in words that don't come off as tired cliches, but Chris' music reached me at a difficult time and accompanied me through so many years. I owe a lot of my most treasured friendships to that man - because of an online forum I started going to in early 2000, based on talking about his music. There was so much raw emotion in his words, so much fucking poetry in the way that man wrote lyrics. His songs were so rich and meaningful and unique and gorgeous and deep.
Some of my very favorite snippets as examples:
"You say that midnight opens its arms to me"
from "When I'm Down," Euphoria Morning
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Orcas Island Writers Festival
The first annual Orcas Island Writers Festival ended a few days ago. It was awesome. I'm already looking forward to the next one.
I'm so glad I went, too. I almost didn't. I haven't really written much in awhile, and have felt like work takes over my life. But I had put in for the time off back in April or something, so I said what the hell and signed up. I thought if nothing else, at least I'd have a few days away. The festival was held at Moran State Park which is a good drive from my place, so I stayed overnight in one of the cabins during the festival.
The festival blew my expectations out of the water! The instructors were EXCELLENT! A lot of them teach at Vermont College of Fine Arts which has a low-residency MFA writing program. In the mornings, we had small workshop groups. I chose the non-fiction track, and so each morning, our small group gathered to very thoroughly discuss our work. Each of us had to submit a ten-page sample of our writing before the festival, so we spent considerable time each morning, working with a few people's work each day. It was great. I forgot how great it is, not only to get feedback on your own work, but to work as a group on others' stories. You learn so much. I felt so engaged, like my inner artist was engaged in a way it hasn't been in so long. I was exercising my writing muscles. It was great even to go over some of the basics of story arc and point of view. I didn't realize I was so hungry for this sort of thing. But oh was I ever! It fed my soul, and my soul has been a bit starving as of late.
So our group looked at my piece on the last workshop day. I submitted the first chapter of my book, which I've worked on extensively. I have to say (and I think I've said before), that for the last, well, year or so, I've felt kinda flat, numb, disinterested feelings about my manuscript. It doesn't really excite me anymore. So I thought, what the hell? I also picked the non-fiction track (as opposed to another workshop which was for memoir/fiction), partly because the instructor and some of the people in the group were male (in the mem/fiction group, it was all females). It may seem silly or even arbitrary, but almost all of the places where I've shared my work - other writing circles, friends, classes I've been in - have been all women. I feel like I have a pretty diverse sampling of female responses to this particular piece of work, and I wanted to see a more mixed-gender reaction. I'm glad I did. I left feeling more confident that my story could have a more universal appeal, which was good. I also got great feedback on what worked in my piece, what was effective.
And I got some great ideas for how to change it. I've actually been thinking recently of reshaping and re-visioning the whole project in a major, major way, and this workshop pretty much confirmed that for me. I felt like I got a real sense of where the real juice of the story is, what needs to come in and be included and what I can draw out and yeah, I would just sit there at different points during the weekend with all these thoughts, ideas and inspirations coursing through me.
I also got to rethink another book idea I had in mind. I realized the starting point was a totally different place, and really saw how perfectly that would work. It was like reframing the whole thing. And because of that, I had passages just swirling in me throughout the whole time.
I thought a lot about story structure. In our workshop group we talked about the typical pyramid of a story - the introduction, rising action, climax, denouement, ending. I kept thinking of The Kite Runner, because it's such a perfect book in that way, it has all those elements so clearly. And because I just love thinking about that book anyway. With my other favorite, The God of Small Things, it's so much more murky (and that story weaves in out of time, so if I think about, in chronological order the events of the book probably do follow that arc, but the telling doesn't, not really).
Then in one of the afternoon sessions (these were lectures and mini-classes), Karen Fisher, author of A Sudden Country, said she thinks of story structure in another way. She thinks of it as the story starting out in stability, you enter the world of the story, then there's a destabilizing event, either by ambition, wanting something, or by some sort of loss. Then follows a period of resistance - either a character is resisting something, or the world is resisting them. Then they face the inevitable, or the bottom, etc (analogous to the climax in the other structure system), and then a period of acceptance. Well this description of story structure also perfectly fit The Kite Runner. I just got such a clear picture of it, using that book as a tangible example. And from there could clearly extrapolate to a book I want to write. It just makes a lot of sense.
Another thing we talked about a lot in workshops and afternoon sessions was about reading like a writer, which is something I think I sort of do, but have never been taught to do, looking at good writing and really looking at it, getting into what makes it so good, what the author did to make it so effective. I think I do some of that just by nature of being a writer and reading a lot. I mean, my LENGTHY post on here about The Kite Runner isn't really a review, not really, it's more a writer's appreciation and noticings. I want to go back to the passages from that book that I quoted in my post (there were several), or to the passages I've makred in White Oleander. I want to re-read The God of Small Things again, even though I just reread it a few months ago when I was in Hawaii, because it's just so good. The writing is so fucking good it's unbelievable. And there are so many just mindblowing things about the story structure. Oh God, I'm getting all jazzed up just thinking about it I'm getting up, walking around, thinking about it. That book is SO FREAKIN' GOOD I can hardly stand it. Some of the most gorgeous prose ever. All these great little things that Arundhati Roy does with the writing. And the end, oh the end. Yes, I want to reread it, specifically to read it like a writer, really dig into it and analyze what makes it so good, learn from it.
I'm still DYING to post about that book. I especially want to discuss the end, the choices she made in writing it that way, in the name of the last chapter (which still, years after my first reading of the book, gives me full body shivers), and on what note she chooses to end it and all the implications. I lent it to a friend actually, who was leaving to work on a six month cruise and needed some reading material. I wish I hadn't. I love my friend Holly, and I'm glad someone else will read the book, but I realize I wish I hadn't parted with it. And it hasn't even been two months yet! So, someday, I will post about it. I just feel I couldn't really do it justice without the book here. Anyway I am anxious to dig into that book again and read it in a slightly different way.
I've gotten a bit off-track, as usual. I'm taking a screenwriting class starting in a week or two. I'm going to base it on a short story I wrote a bit ago, which was based on a dream I had about writing this story (now that I think about it, the dream might have also involved it being for a screenwriting class, I just put that together, weird). I'm a little nervous about the fact that my two main characters are on acid during part of the story, since I don't know how that'll fly in some of the writing circles of the island, but after one of the readings at the festival (each night a handful of authors/instructors read their work), I'm inspired to NEVER hold back. So that should be an interesting class. On an un-writing note, I'm also taking an anthropology class this fall, on comparative Islamic cultures. I'm really looking forward to that too. My mind is just craving something like that.
Currently Reading:
Dave Eggers' What is the What? - I'm only a few chapters in. It's very good, harrowing in many places, immediately draws me in.
Currently Listening:
"Fast Car" - Tracy Chapman - this is not a random iTunes pick like usual in this section. I am sort of obsessed with this song. In some other post, I totally want to write about this song the way I want to write about books. There are so many great lyrical things she does in this song. It's also heartbreaking.
I'm so glad I went, too. I almost didn't. I haven't really written much in awhile, and have felt like work takes over my life. But I had put in for the time off back in April or something, so I said what the hell and signed up. I thought if nothing else, at least I'd have a few days away. The festival was held at Moran State Park which is a good drive from my place, so I stayed overnight in one of the cabins during the festival.
The festival blew my expectations out of the water! The instructors were EXCELLENT! A lot of them teach at Vermont College of Fine Arts which has a low-residency MFA writing program. In the mornings, we had small workshop groups. I chose the non-fiction track, and so each morning, our small group gathered to very thoroughly discuss our work. Each of us had to submit a ten-page sample of our writing before the festival, so we spent considerable time each morning, working with a few people's work each day. It was great. I forgot how great it is, not only to get feedback on your own work, but to work as a group on others' stories. You learn so much. I felt so engaged, like my inner artist was engaged in a way it hasn't been in so long. I was exercising my writing muscles. It was great even to go over some of the basics of story arc and point of view. I didn't realize I was so hungry for this sort of thing. But oh was I ever! It fed my soul, and my soul has been a bit starving as of late.
So our group looked at my piece on the last workshop day. I submitted the first chapter of my book, which I've worked on extensively. I have to say (and I think I've said before), that for the last, well, year or so, I've felt kinda flat, numb, disinterested feelings about my manuscript. It doesn't really excite me anymore. So I thought, what the hell? I also picked the non-fiction track (as opposed to another workshop which was for memoir/fiction), partly because the instructor and some of the people in the group were male (in the mem/fiction group, it was all females). It may seem silly or even arbitrary, but almost all of the places where I've shared my work - other writing circles, friends, classes I've been in - have been all women. I feel like I have a pretty diverse sampling of female responses to this particular piece of work, and I wanted to see a more mixed-gender reaction. I'm glad I did. I left feeling more confident that my story could have a more universal appeal, which was good. I also got great feedback on what worked in my piece, what was effective.
And I got some great ideas for how to change it. I've actually been thinking recently of reshaping and re-visioning the whole project in a major, major way, and this workshop pretty much confirmed that for me. I felt like I got a real sense of where the real juice of the story is, what needs to come in and be included and what I can draw out and yeah, I would just sit there at different points during the weekend with all these thoughts, ideas and inspirations coursing through me.
I also got to rethink another book idea I had in mind. I realized the starting point was a totally different place, and really saw how perfectly that would work. It was like reframing the whole thing. And because of that, I had passages just swirling in me throughout the whole time.
I thought a lot about story structure. In our workshop group we talked about the typical pyramid of a story - the introduction, rising action, climax, denouement, ending. I kept thinking of The Kite Runner, because it's such a perfect book in that way, it has all those elements so clearly. And because I just love thinking about that book anyway. With my other favorite, The God of Small Things, it's so much more murky (and that story weaves in out of time, so if I think about, in chronological order the events of the book probably do follow that arc, but the telling doesn't, not really).
Then in one of the afternoon sessions (these were lectures and mini-classes), Karen Fisher, author of A Sudden Country, said she thinks of story structure in another way. She thinks of it as the story starting out in stability, you enter the world of the story, then there's a destabilizing event, either by ambition, wanting something, or by some sort of loss. Then follows a period of resistance - either a character is resisting something, or the world is resisting them. Then they face the inevitable, or the bottom, etc (analogous to the climax in the other structure system), and then a period of acceptance. Well this description of story structure also perfectly fit The Kite Runner. I just got such a clear picture of it, using that book as a tangible example. And from there could clearly extrapolate to a book I want to write. It just makes a lot of sense.
Another thing we talked about a lot in workshops and afternoon sessions was about reading like a writer, which is something I think I sort of do, but have never been taught to do, looking at good writing and really looking at it, getting into what makes it so good, what the author did to make it so effective. I think I do some of that just by nature of being a writer and reading a lot. I mean, my LENGTHY post on here about The Kite Runner isn't really a review, not really, it's more a writer's appreciation and noticings. I want to go back to the passages from that book that I quoted in my post (there were several), or to the passages I've makred in White Oleander. I want to re-read The God of Small Things again, even though I just reread it a few months ago when I was in Hawaii, because it's just so good. The writing is so fucking good it's unbelievable. And there are so many just mindblowing things about the story structure. Oh God, I'm getting all jazzed up just thinking about it I'm getting up, walking around, thinking about it. That book is SO FREAKIN' GOOD I can hardly stand it. Some of the most gorgeous prose ever. All these great little things that Arundhati Roy does with the writing. And the end, oh the end. Yes, I want to reread it, specifically to read it like a writer, really dig into it and analyze what makes it so good, learn from it.
I'm still DYING to post about that book. I especially want to discuss the end, the choices she made in writing it that way, in the name of the last chapter (which still, years after my first reading of the book, gives me full body shivers), and on what note she chooses to end it and all the implications. I lent it to a friend actually, who was leaving to work on a six month cruise and needed some reading material. I wish I hadn't. I love my friend Holly, and I'm glad someone else will read the book, but I realize I wish I hadn't parted with it. And it hasn't even been two months yet! So, someday, I will post about it. I just feel I couldn't really do it justice without the book here. Anyway I am anxious to dig into that book again and read it in a slightly different way.
I've gotten a bit off-track, as usual. I'm taking a screenwriting class starting in a week or two. I'm going to base it on a short story I wrote a bit ago, which was based on a dream I had about writing this story (now that I think about it, the dream might have also involved it being for a screenwriting class, I just put that together, weird). I'm a little nervous about the fact that my two main characters are on acid during part of the story, since I don't know how that'll fly in some of the writing circles of the island, but after one of the readings at the festival (each night a handful of authors/instructors read their work), I'm inspired to NEVER hold back. So that should be an interesting class. On an un-writing note, I'm also taking an anthropology class this fall, on comparative Islamic cultures. I'm really looking forward to that too. My mind is just craving something like that.
Currently Reading:
Dave Eggers' What is the What? - I'm only a few chapters in. It's very good, harrowing in many places, immediately draws me in.
Currently Listening:
"Fast Car" - Tracy Chapman - this is not a random iTunes pick like usual in this section. I am sort of obsessed with this song. In some other post, I totally want to write about this song the way I want to write about books. There are so many great lyrical things she does in this song. It's also heartbreaking.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Our World is a Sad, Sad Circus
Sometimes it's just hard to really fathom that things that are going on in the world are actually real and not some twisted circus. I'm going to get political here, which I've tried in some ways to abstain from because I hate conflict, but fuck, I just can't help myself.
First off, I have wanted to say something about impeachment for awhile now. I know Congressman Dennis Kucinich is introducing articles of impeachment every month, and I support that. I don't understand why so many leading democrats are against it, but they are. I've heard Obama, Nancy Pelosi and others speak out against impeachment, and the reason I seem to hear the most is that they don't want to engage in a payback sort of game (presumably for Clinton's deal), and that they want to focus on getting Obama elected and faring well in all the coming elections.
Fair enough, I suppose, on the last account, but it all basically boils down to, they're afraid of how it will make them look. It's such ridiculous, near-sighted and faulty reasoning to me. I mean, Bush and his administration are committing war crimes. Innocent people are dying. Just today I heard about NATO troops accidentally killing children in Kabul. This comes only weeks after the biggest civilian killing in Afghanistan since the war began. And then there's the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who've died, who are living as refugees, or who've had their homes and families destroyed. And the American soldiers dying unnecessarily, for a war that was never warranted in the first place. Oh and then there's the interrogation torture, the suspension of the bill of rights for prisoners who are mostly probably innocent. The outing of Valerie Plame's identity. The forged Habbush letter. The litany of lies and deception that led us into this occupation of a sovereign nation. The Iraq veterans and conscientious objectors saying they were forced repeatedly to violate the Geneva convention. The lies, corruption and crime are rampant. People are DYING because of this administration. LOTS of people. There are clear crimes. If this doesn't warrant impeachment, what the fuck does? These crooks are running amok and obviously feel accountable to no one, definitely not to Congress or to the public, and I think it's the job and the duty of Congress to press a lot harder for more serious investigations, and to take action. It makes me as a citizen feel (again) like the Congress is failing their duty.
And on account of wanting to look good, secure elections? That's bullshit. How can this shit, which is pretty superficial, outweigh the lives lost and the crimes committed? How could anyone (but a politician of course) think it's more important? It's beyond my realm of understanding, and I'm glad, because I'm pretty sure it means I'm still human. As far as looking or feeling bad, I think the idiots who thought it was worthwhile to try to impeach someone over lying about a blow job should feel like petty, vindictive idiots, because it's so, so immaterial compared to the real tragedies that are going on now.
And the circus continues.
Now, another thing that's gotten me riled up is Mr. McCain's VP choice. It's funny, I was walking home from work the day he was supposed to announce his choice, and I kept thinking that he would probably pick a black man (to compete with everything historic that's happening with Obama, perhaps), and instead he picked a woman, maybe trying to get some of the Hillary supporters. I already think she's a nutjob, just as full of circus-like contradictions as much as anyone. She calls herself a pro-life feminist for one thing, and if that's not oxymoronic, what is? Also, I have to ask this: How can someone be so pro-life, and believe in the sacredness of all life, be so anti-life at the same time? She has fought to keep polar bears off the endangered species list, and supports drilling in ANWR - aren't the polar bears' lives sacred? And the caribou? And all the ecosystems in ANWR? I just don't understand how someone could be so blatantly contradictory.
I suppose it comes from a feeling of human life being supremely superior to all other life, which is just self-centered and short-sighted anyway. I mean, even if I was going to be completely human-centered here, thinking our existence is so much more warranted and important than all of the lives of all the organisms that came before us, human life, even from that perspective, take it down the line a century or two - we can't sustain human life if we destroy our landbases, the food, ecosystems, water, etc we depend on to survive. Even from a "humans only matter" viewpoint, it's better, for our species, in the long run, to conserve and protect our environment and to live sustainably. It's also better to not over-populate the planet as massive rates like we are, a problem that is not helped by people who oppose abortion and also oppose sex education.
Are there no politicians out there who think beyond their next election? Who actually look at the bigger picture and into the future?
The third completely contradictory and crazy thing that's got me just dumbfounded is the crazy police shit going on in MN for the RNC. Of course, I wouldn't really expect anything different, but still, it's disgusting. There are all these raids on peace groups, planning peaceful activities (including one group doing a peace picnic, wow, that really sounds like terrorist activities to me). It's crazy that some of the people targeted are police watch groups (which given the state of things these days, and the fact that a handcuffed and restrained man was tasered to death not too long ago, are pretty necessary). So the people documenting and watching out for police brutality are getting brutalized by police. Oh, and journalists. Several journalists have been arrested and detained. I was listening to Democracy Now! this morning, and two of their producers and their host, Amy Goodman, had been arrested. One of the producers, Nicole Salizar, had a camera on while she was being arrested. I was listening to the audio broadcast and couldn't see it, but hearing it was enough to rattle me. It sounded brutal, there was some serious screaming. Why are the police targeting journalists?
Our country is out of control. It's like some circus gone so horribly wrong that no one seems able to stop. And the ones who actually could possibly do something about it, continually fail to do anything meaningful. Sometimes it's just hard to believe this is really reality, but it is. Sometimes I just can't wait to visit other countries and experience something different, just see what it's like somewhere else, get out of the bubble and really connect with other cultures.
I'm reading Dave Eggers' What is the What? which only fuels this feeling.
Currently listening:
The only song really appropriate for this post is probably Tool's "Aenema"
First off, I have wanted to say something about impeachment for awhile now. I know Congressman Dennis Kucinich is introducing articles of impeachment every month, and I support that. I don't understand why so many leading democrats are against it, but they are. I've heard Obama, Nancy Pelosi and others speak out against impeachment, and the reason I seem to hear the most is that they don't want to engage in a payback sort of game (presumably for Clinton's deal), and that they want to focus on getting Obama elected and faring well in all the coming elections.
Fair enough, I suppose, on the last account, but it all basically boils down to, they're afraid of how it will make them look. It's such ridiculous, near-sighted and faulty reasoning to me. I mean, Bush and his administration are committing war crimes. Innocent people are dying. Just today I heard about NATO troops accidentally killing children in Kabul. This comes only weeks after the biggest civilian killing in Afghanistan since the war began. And then there's the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who've died, who are living as refugees, or who've had their homes and families destroyed. And the American soldiers dying unnecessarily, for a war that was never warranted in the first place. Oh and then there's the interrogation torture, the suspension of the bill of rights for prisoners who are mostly probably innocent. The outing of Valerie Plame's identity. The forged Habbush letter. The litany of lies and deception that led us into this occupation of a sovereign nation. The Iraq veterans and conscientious objectors saying they were forced repeatedly to violate the Geneva convention. The lies, corruption and crime are rampant. People are DYING because of this administration. LOTS of people. There are clear crimes. If this doesn't warrant impeachment, what the fuck does? These crooks are running amok and obviously feel accountable to no one, definitely not to Congress or to the public, and I think it's the job and the duty of Congress to press a lot harder for more serious investigations, and to take action. It makes me as a citizen feel (again) like the Congress is failing their duty.
And on account of wanting to look good, secure elections? That's bullshit. How can this shit, which is pretty superficial, outweigh the lives lost and the crimes committed? How could anyone (but a politician of course) think it's more important? It's beyond my realm of understanding, and I'm glad, because I'm pretty sure it means I'm still human. As far as looking or feeling bad, I think the idiots who thought it was worthwhile to try to impeach someone over lying about a blow job should feel like petty, vindictive idiots, because it's so, so immaterial compared to the real tragedies that are going on now.
And the circus continues.
Now, another thing that's gotten me riled up is Mr. McCain's VP choice. It's funny, I was walking home from work the day he was supposed to announce his choice, and I kept thinking that he would probably pick a black man (to compete with everything historic that's happening with Obama, perhaps), and instead he picked a woman, maybe trying to get some of the Hillary supporters. I already think she's a nutjob, just as full of circus-like contradictions as much as anyone. She calls herself a pro-life feminist for one thing, and if that's not oxymoronic, what is? Also, I have to ask this: How can someone be so pro-life, and believe in the sacredness of all life, be so anti-life at the same time? She has fought to keep polar bears off the endangered species list, and supports drilling in ANWR - aren't the polar bears' lives sacred? And the caribou? And all the ecosystems in ANWR? I just don't understand how someone could be so blatantly contradictory.
I suppose it comes from a feeling of human life being supremely superior to all other life, which is just self-centered and short-sighted anyway. I mean, even if I was going to be completely human-centered here, thinking our existence is so much more warranted and important than all of the lives of all the organisms that came before us, human life, even from that perspective, take it down the line a century or two - we can't sustain human life if we destroy our landbases, the food, ecosystems, water, etc we depend on to survive. Even from a "humans only matter" viewpoint, it's better, for our species, in the long run, to conserve and protect our environment and to live sustainably. It's also better to not over-populate the planet as massive rates like we are, a problem that is not helped by people who oppose abortion and also oppose sex education.
Are there no politicians out there who think beyond their next election? Who actually look at the bigger picture and into the future?
The third completely contradictory and crazy thing that's got me just dumbfounded is the crazy police shit going on in MN for the RNC. Of course, I wouldn't really expect anything different, but still, it's disgusting. There are all these raids on peace groups, planning peaceful activities (including one group doing a peace picnic, wow, that really sounds like terrorist activities to me). It's crazy that some of the people targeted are police watch groups (which given the state of things these days, and the fact that a handcuffed and restrained man was tasered to death not too long ago, are pretty necessary). So the people documenting and watching out for police brutality are getting brutalized by police. Oh, and journalists. Several journalists have been arrested and detained. I was listening to Democracy Now! this morning, and two of their producers and their host, Amy Goodman, had been arrested. One of the producers, Nicole Salizar, had a camera on while she was being arrested. I was listening to the audio broadcast and couldn't see it, but hearing it was enough to rattle me. It sounded brutal, there was some serious screaming. Why are the police targeting journalists?
Our country is out of control. It's like some circus gone so horribly wrong that no one seems able to stop. And the ones who actually could possibly do something about it, continually fail to do anything meaningful. Sometimes it's just hard to believe this is really reality, but it is. Sometimes I just can't wait to visit other countries and experience something different, just see what it's like somewhere else, get out of the bubble and really connect with other cultures.
I'm reading Dave Eggers' What is the What? which only fuels this feeling.
Currently listening:
The only song really appropriate for this post is probably Tool's "Aenema"
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Adventures, Quests & Foreign Sands
So, I'm a pretty chronic intention-setter. To me, that means just taking some moments of silence to focus on what I'd like to manifest in life, a la The Secret, What the Bleep and my friend Caren's "soul wishing." A pretty weird practice for an atheist I suppose, but so is reading tarot cards and counseling friends astrologically about what to expect with the new guy they're seeing. So I just try to be okay with being contradictory.
Anyway, so for the past few months, I've been setting the same three intentions. The first is about adventure. I want to go back to school next fall, I've felt decided on that for awhile. The meantime is the issue. I decided a few months ago that I'm not going to stay here for that time. I feel too stagnant and stuck, like I haven't put myself out there in awhile, taken any big risks like I did back when I traveled to organic farms or moved to Seattle with no money. Those were difficult experiences, but also some of the deepest, most rewarding times I've lived through, really showed me what I was made of, challenged me and made me grow as a person. I miss it, the spirit of adventure, of seeing the world.
In aforementioned intention setting, I've just been putting it out there, daily, that I'd like the opportunity to do something wild, enriching and interesting. I crave meaningful, soul-enriching experience, to stretch myself far beyond my comfort zone, and so I've been trying to phrase it that way when I take those moments to put my desires out there. I have just over a year, and I want to have the experience that will be the best for my soul, for my personal growth, and hopefully will also have a humanitarian bent as well. Hence why one of my first thoughts was the Peace Corps, and then when that didn't work, AmeriCorps. I'm still involved in several interviews for that option, and will see where that goes.
But in the last two weeks or so, I think I've found an option that totally fits the bill even better, but could be harder to pull off. I've only told a few people, because I wanted to get it a little more secure in my own mind, and let a bit of time lapse so I could make sure I wasn't just temporarily crazy. Actually though, most of the best times of my life come from wild schemes that make me question my sanity, so it's probably a good sign. So time has passed, and I'm still stuck on it, and ready to share it publicly.
So here is the deal: In the next year, I want to do two programs that involve international travel. The first is in Alexandria, Egypt. I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Egypt. I mean, really, who hasn't? It's got a lot that I'm interested in. The program there is a ten-week course and internship in Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL), which would be such a great skill to have in terms of further foreign travel as life progresses. It also includes some cultural immersion, language classes (and learning languages is another thing I've definitely missed), and trips to the Pyramids and the Sphinx! This is like a long-time dream come true, and I've already applied and been accepted to the program that starts in late fall. Read more about it here. And that would just be the beginning.
After that, there's another program I want to do. It's called Latitudes (and I found it through looking at Leap Year, which I'm too old for, but anyone in late teens and early twenties should check out) and it involves a 12-week semester in India (or other countries if participants so choose) and then a solo internship anywhere in the world. India is another place I've always wanted to go, and the program just looks perfect. There are language lessons, humanitarian work, trekking in the Himilayas, and exposure to all the different spiritual practices in India. It also seems to me like a really well-structured program, group travel, sort of a really safe way to go somewhere really new, experience something really different and travel the world. Then there's the solo internship, which is also somewhat guided, and I just think it'd all be rad. Not to mention I can get college credit for it all! Latitudes is a program through Carpe Diem International, loosely associated with Portland State University, and you can read about it here. I've already talked to people about the program and about financial aid opportunities.
I just think all of this is an opportunity of a lifetime that I might not have in a few years, and I don't think I can pass it up. Everything I wrote about in those posts about artistic integrity, I believe also extends itself to life in general, and I'm going to take the leap. I think the experience would be invaluable, priceless, and also a huge help with my college application process.
So, I'm going to do my damnedest to make it happen.
It will mean saving money, applying for aid and fundraising aggressively. It will be difficult to pull off. But the longer people have known me, the more they know how much I like a good quest (to concerts I can't possibly get to, writing retreats I can't possibly afford, and the like). Sometimes I think I'm at my best when I'm trying to make something happen that seems completely impossible at its outset; it makes me brainstorm, push myself and take risks. This will definitely be the biggest of all the quests I've undertaken in the past, but hey I was looking for challenge. I needed a quixotic goal. I'm going to make it happen, through doggedly fierce determination, force of will, and some good old intention setting just in case that helps any.
As for the other two intentions, well, they're not really fit for public consumption.
Just kidding.
Currently Listening:
"Ticks & Leeches" - TOOL - let me just say, though this song doesn't perfectly fit this post at all. I LOVE to blast this song at full volume, and am psyched that this is the song that came up randomly. Here's the words:
Ticks & Leeches
Suck and suck.
Suckin up all you can, suckin up all you can suck.
Workin up under my patience like a little tick.
Fat little parasite.
Suck me dry.
My blood is bruised and borrowed. You thieving bastards.
You have turned my blood cold and bitter,
beat my compassion black and blue.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cuz this is what you're getting.
I hope you're choking. I hope you choke on this.
Taken all I can, taken all I can, we(?) can take.
Taken all you can, taken all you can fuckin' take
Got nothing left to give to you.
Blood suckin parasitic little tick/blood suckin parasitic little tick
Take what you want and then go.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cuz this is what you're getting.
Suck me dry.
Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you had in mind?
Cuz this this is what you're getting.
I hope you choke.
Anyway, so for the past few months, I've been setting the same three intentions. The first is about adventure. I want to go back to school next fall, I've felt decided on that for awhile. The meantime is the issue. I decided a few months ago that I'm not going to stay here for that time. I feel too stagnant and stuck, like I haven't put myself out there in awhile, taken any big risks like I did back when I traveled to organic farms or moved to Seattle with no money. Those were difficult experiences, but also some of the deepest, most rewarding times I've lived through, really showed me what I was made of, challenged me and made me grow as a person. I miss it, the spirit of adventure, of seeing the world.
In aforementioned intention setting, I've just been putting it out there, daily, that I'd like the opportunity to do something wild, enriching and interesting. I crave meaningful, soul-enriching experience, to stretch myself far beyond my comfort zone, and so I've been trying to phrase it that way when I take those moments to put my desires out there. I have just over a year, and I want to have the experience that will be the best for my soul, for my personal growth, and hopefully will also have a humanitarian bent as well. Hence why one of my first thoughts was the Peace Corps, and then when that didn't work, AmeriCorps. I'm still involved in several interviews for that option, and will see where that goes.
But in the last two weeks or so, I think I've found an option that totally fits the bill even better, but could be harder to pull off. I've only told a few people, because I wanted to get it a little more secure in my own mind, and let a bit of time lapse so I could make sure I wasn't just temporarily crazy. Actually though, most of the best times of my life come from wild schemes that make me question my sanity, so it's probably a good sign. So time has passed, and I'm still stuck on it, and ready to share it publicly.
So here is the deal: In the next year, I want to do two programs that involve international travel. The first is in Alexandria, Egypt. I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Egypt. I mean, really, who hasn't? It's got a lot that I'm interested in. The program there is a ten-week course and internship in Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL), which would be such a great skill to have in terms of further foreign travel as life progresses. It also includes some cultural immersion, language classes (and learning languages is another thing I've definitely missed), and trips to the Pyramids and the Sphinx! This is like a long-time dream come true, and I've already applied and been accepted to the program that starts in late fall. Read more about it here. And that would just be the beginning.
After that, there's another program I want to do. It's called Latitudes (and I found it through looking at Leap Year, which I'm too old for, but anyone in late teens and early twenties should check out) and it involves a 12-week semester in India (or other countries if participants so choose) and then a solo internship anywhere in the world. India is another place I've always wanted to go, and the program just looks perfect. There are language lessons, humanitarian work, trekking in the Himilayas, and exposure to all the different spiritual practices in India. It also seems to me like a really well-structured program, group travel, sort of a really safe way to go somewhere really new, experience something really different and travel the world. Then there's the solo internship, which is also somewhat guided, and I just think it'd all be rad. Not to mention I can get college credit for it all! Latitudes is a program through Carpe Diem International, loosely associated with Portland State University, and you can read about it here. I've already talked to people about the program and about financial aid opportunities.
I just think all of this is an opportunity of a lifetime that I might not have in a few years, and I don't think I can pass it up. Everything I wrote about in those posts about artistic integrity, I believe also extends itself to life in general, and I'm going to take the leap. I think the experience would be invaluable, priceless, and also a huge help with my college application process.
So, I'm going to do my damnedest to make it happen.
It will mean saving money, applying for aid and fundraising aggressively. It will be difficult to pull off. But the longer people have known me, the more they know how much I like a good quest (to concerts I can't possibly get to, writing retreats I can't possibly afford, and the like). Sometimes I think I'm at my best when I'm trying to make something happen that seems completely impossible at its outset; it makes me brainstorm, push myself and take risks. This will definitely be the biggest of all the quests I've undertaken in the past, but hey I was looking for challenge. I needed a quixotic goal. I'm going to make it happen, through doggedly fierce determination, force of will, and some good old intention setting just in case that helps any.
As for the other two intentions, well, they're not really fit for public consumption.
Just kidding.
Currently Listening:
"Ticks & Leeches" - TOOL - let me just say, though this song doesn't perfectly fit this post at all. I LOVE to blast this song at full volume, and am psyched that this is the song that came up randomly. Here's the words:
Ticks & Leeches
Suck and suck.
Suckin up all you can, suckin up all you can suck.
Workin up under my patience like a little tick.
Fat little parasite.
Suck me dry.
My blood is bruised and borrowed. You thieving bastards.
You have turned my blood cold and bitter,
beat my compassion black and blue.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cuz this is what you're getting.
I hope you're choking. I hope you choke on this.
Taken all I can, taken all I can, we(?) can take.
Taken all you can, taken all you can fuckin' take
Got nothing left to give to you.
Blood suckin parasitic little tick/blood suckin parasitic little tick
Take what you want and then go.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cuz this is what you're getting.
Suck me dry.
Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you had in mind?
Cuz this this is what you're getting.
I hope you choke.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Further Thoughts on Writing and Artistic Integrity
So in my last post, KaliDurga gave this link, "Writing is in my blood...".
And in that article, I found this little gem:
"One also writes as a spiritual practice and a mode of self-discovery. One writes in order to see. One writes in order to remember. Writing is like a sixth sense used to apprehend a reality not detected by the other five. It is the memory-sense, or the feeling-sense, the organ through which we make known to each other a rich world not otherwise knowable. It is also the medium through which we make known history and the soul of our culture. It keeps something alive that otherwise might die."
I whole-heartedly agree here. I'm immediately reminded of my favorite story I've ever read in The Sun, of all the years of reading the magazine. I dug up the issue so I could quote it. The story is called "The View From Here" by Mithran Somasundrum. It starts like this:
"I was born in the house my father built, a wooden house of two stories with broad eaves. There was an avocado tree in the front garden, and from my bedroom window at night its ragged black branches seemed to reach for the moon..."
It then chronicles the story of a woman growing up and living amidst the racial fighting of the Hutus and Tutsis, and an escape at night to another town, far away, and tiny government housing. And it's also the story of changing times - the granddaughter ends up singing songs in a different language, and it's almost like history or tradition evaporating. And then the story ends with this:
"This, then, is my life: the box room and the market and the stairs that hurt my knees and my granddaughter singing strange songs. But I was born in the house my father built. It had broad eaves and an avocado tree in the front garden, and in the mornings you could see to the opposite side of the valley. After I am gone, who will remember these things?"
That ending always makes me tear up. It's true. For everyone. I mean, our lives are so individual that we live things that will never be lived again, especially in our rapidly changing world. I am a lover of memory, so things like this compel me to want to write, to capture, to re-enter and re-experience moments, places, periods, feelings. And sometimes it's hard to get there consciously, but in writing, there really is another dimension.
One time I wanted to write about the two weeks I spent at summer camp when I was 14. I was inspired by a woman in my writing group who wrote about a summer camp experience. It was an intense two weeks, especially because a girl in my cabin and three other kids ran away and went missing (and were later found lost in the woods). In preparing to write about it, I was bothered because I couldn't remember how I had found out about them missing. I was actually going to make something up, just pulling together other memories from that summer, and other things we did that day, and using probable circumstances, but it bugged me. I'm sort of a stickler for accuracy and I usually have an excellent memory. But it just escaped me. So I went on writing and suddenly, as I was about to write the probable scene, it all came back. I remembered we were having a free swim. I remembered where I was in the pool. I remembered the staffperson who came up to me and exactly how she asked me if I knew where my friend might go if she wanted to get away. I don't think if I sat there for days and days trying to conjure the memory, that I would have. I think there is some magic in writing and reliving something, because some part of me really was re-inhabiting that experience on some level. Call it accessing the unconscious or what you will, there's something to it.
So that quote really spoke to me. I also remember a writer friend saying that sometimes she's more herself in her writing than she is anywhere else, and I think there's something to that too. It's that sixth sense part of it all, the way all the different layers coexist without contradiction.
The weird thing is, for all my feeling excited about life and back to myself and all that jazz, I haven't really been writing lately. It bothers me. I know it has something to do with fear - sometimes writing takes me into some pretty dark territory.
And the weird thing is, I love that. Sometimes the dark and the intense and the writing that is packed with feeling, even if it's not the most pleasant, is the richest. The writing where I dig deepest into the recesses of memory and forgotten, forlorn territory, enter the abysses of existence or dredge up the most secret things I would almost never dare to say, is the most satisfying. Afterward, of course, there is catharsis, and insight. And I almost always find humor in the strangest places. It's really weird actually. Awhile ago, I was going to write about Mr. O - which from reading this blog anyone could see was a really miserable experience for me. I have been very afraid to even go near the topic in writing, because it was such prolonged and profound unhappiness. So one day I went back and read some stuff I had written on the subject. I thought if anything it would make me sad or mad at myself, but instead, rereading, I was in hysterics, finding so many funny things. I NEVER would have expected that. Another time, at the artist residency back in March (which was a week of laughing so hard I cried at least once a day), I was again writing about something really difficult, something I thought might be good to exorcise from my system and get on paper, something I expected to be joyless, and again in writing, I was remembering things I had totally forgotten, and I was laughing. So it's like, writing is always good in that way, always release, and usually has me L O L.
But it's not only afterwards, it's also during the actual writing. I can remember a few winters ago, the winter I lived in the dispensary, sitting in the living room by myself, writing the most difficult thing I've ever written (as of yet). I went into some territory that was so taboo to me that for years I hadn't even let myself think about it. It took hours to write this piece. Some of it made me cry. But it also made me laugh at parts, and feel compassion and perspective, and it felt really good to write it, even during the worst parts.
And still, still, the idea of writing scares me. And I avoid it. And then I get frustrated with myself for avoiding it and feel vaguely dissatisfied and irritable because writing is sort of like my version of meditation - it centers me. Even knowing that intellectually and certainly, and thoroughly believing that though it's difficult sometimes, it's always worthwhile, and that sometimes the difficult things are the most worthwhile, it doesn't always get me over the hurdle of fear. It's easy to get in the habit of not writing. Sitting my ass in the chair with pen and paper really is the biggest challenge. If I can do that, I'm fine. I think that I want to get back in the habit of doing it anyway, even though it scares me. Reading all these writing quotes and ruminating on them has definitely stirred me up. And really, what is life if you dohn't do what scares you? I'm contemplating some bigger, scarier things in life, so I might as well get in practice with the daily stuff.
I think I'm going to go write.
Currently Listening:
"Hurt You" - The Sounds - great song that a friend just put on my computer, kind of addicting. Here's a great line from the song, "Should we start over or should I leave you behind/Give me an answer but please don't tell me the truth." LOL.
And in that article, I found this little gem:
"One also writes as a spiritual practice and a mode of self-discovery. One writes in order to see. One writes in order to remember. Writing is like a sixth sense used to apprehend a reality not detected by the other five. It is the memory-sense, or the feeling-sense, the organ through which we make known to each other a rich world not otherwise knowable. It is also the medium through which we make known history and the soul of our culture. It keeps something alive that otherwise might die."
I whole-heartedly agree here. I'm immediately reminded of my favorite story I've ever read in The Sun, of all the years of reading the magazine. I dug up the issue so I could quote it. The story is called "The View From Here" by Mithran Somasundrum. It starts like this:
"I was born in the house my father built, a wooden house of two stories with broad eaves. There was an avocado tree in the front garden, and from my bedroom window at night its ragged black branches seemed to reach for the moon..."
It then chronicles the story of a woman growing up and living amidst the racial fighting of the Hutus and Tutsis, and an escape at night to another town, far away, and tiny government housing. And it's also the story of changing times - the granddaughter ends up singing songs in a different language, and it's almost like history or tradition evaporating. And then the story ends with this:
"This, then, is my life: the box room and the market and the stairs that hurt my knees and my granddaughter singing strange songs. But I was born in the house my father built. It had broad eaves and an avocado tree in the front garden, and in the mornings you could see to the opposite side of the valley. After I am gone, who will remember these things?"
That ending always makes me tear up. It's true. For everyone. I mean, our lives are so individual that we live things that will never be lived again, especially in our rapidly changing world. I am a lover of memory, so things like this compel me to want to write, to capture, to re-enter and re-experience moments, places, periods, feelings. And sometimes it's hard to get there consciously, but in writing, there really is another dimension.
One time I wanted to write about the two weeks I spent at summer camp when I was 14. I was inspired by a woman in my writing group who wrote about a summer camp experience. It was an intense two weeks, especially because a girl in my cabin and three other kids ran away and went missing (and were later found lost in the woods). In preparing to write about it, I was bothered because I couldn't remember how I had found out about them missing. I was actually going to make something up, just pulling together other memories from that summer, and other things we did that day, and using probable circumstances, but it bugged me. I'm sort of a stickler for accuracy and I usually have an excellent memory. But it just escaped me. So I went on writing and suddenly, as I was about to write the probable scene, it all came back. I remembered we were having a free swim. I remembered where I was in the pool. I remembered the staffperson who came up to me and exactly how she asked me if I knew where my friend might go if she wanted to get away. I don't think if I sat there for days and days trying to conjure the memory, that I would have. I think there is some magic in writing and reliving something, because some part of me really was re-inhabiting that experience on some level. Call it accessing the unconscious or what you will, there's something to it.
So that quote really spoke to me. I also remember a writer friend saying that sometimes she's more herself in her writing than she is anywhere else, and I think there's something to that too. It's that sixth sense part of it all, the way all the different layers coexist without contradiction.
The weird thing is, for all my feeling excited about life and back to myself and all that jazz, I haven't really been writing lately. It bothers me. I know it has something to do with fear - sometimes writing takes me into some pretty dark territory.
And the weird thing is, I love that. Sometimes the dark and the intense and the writing that is packed with feeling, even if it's not the most pleasant, is the richest. The writing where I dig deepest into the recesses of memory and forgotten, forlorn territory, enter the abysses of existence or dredge up the most secret things I would almost never dare to say, is the most satisfying. Afterward, of course, there is catharsis, and insight. And I almost always find humor in the strangest places. It's really weird actually. Awhile ago, I was going to write about Mr. O - which from reading this blog anyone could see was a really miserable experience for me. I have been very afraid to even go near the topic in writing, because it was such prolonged and profound unhappiness. So one day I went back and read some stuff I had written on the subject. I thought if anything it would make me sad or mad at myself, but instead, rereading, I was in hysterics, finding so many funny things. I NEVER would have expected that. Another time, at the artist residency back in March (which was a week of laughing so hard I cried at least once a day), I was again writing about something really difficult, something I thought might be good to exorcise from my system and get on paper, something I expected to be joyless, and again in writing, I was remembering things I had totally forgotten, and I was laughing. So it's like, writing is always good in that way, always release, and usually has me L O L.
But it's not only afterwards, it's also during the actual writing. I can remember a few winters ago, the winter I lived in the dispensary, sitting in the living room by myself, writing the most difficult thing I've ever written (as of yet). I went into some territory that was so taboo to me that for years I hadn't even let myself think about it. It took hours to write this piece. Some of it made me cry. But it also made me laugh at parts, and feel compassion and perspective, and it felt really good to write it, even during the worst parts.
And still, still, the idea of writing scares me. And I avoid it. And then I get frustrated with myself for avoiding it and feel vaguely dissatisfied and irritable because writing is sort of like my version of meditation - it centers me. Even knowing that intellectually and certainly, and thoroughly believing that though it's difficult sometimes, it's always worthwhile, and that sometimes the difficult things are the most worthwhile, it doesn't always get me over the hurdle of fear. It's easy to get in the habit of not writing. Sitting my ass in the chair with pen and paper really is the biggest challenge. If I can do that, I'm fine. I think that I want to get back in the habit of doing it anyway, even though it scares me. Reading all these writing quotes and ruminating on them has definitely stirred me up. And really, what is life if you dohn't do what scares you? I'm contemplating some bigger, scarier things in life, so I might as well get in practice with the daily stuff.
I think I'm going to go write.
Currently Listening:
"Hurt You" - The Sounds - great song that a friend just put on my computer, kind of addicting. Here's a great line from the song, "Should we start over or should I leave you behind/Give me an answer but please don't tell me the truth." LOL.
Musings on Artistic Integrity
This morning, I read this quote on writer friend Linda's blog:
"You practice an art to make your soul grow, not to make money or to become famous. And this would include singing in the shower or dancing to the radio or also drawing a caricature of your best friend, or whatever—all this makes your soul grow. And you meet a person who's done that, whether successfully or not, and you sense a larger soul." —Vonnegut
Linda and I have been discussing the importance of artistic integrity in recent emails, as we both go through the process of pursuing publication for our book manuscripts. So this quote, about how the deeper purpose is to make your soul grow, just absolutely hit the spot.
I think that writers, possibly more than other types of artists, are confronted with a lot of other people's opinions before, during and after working on any piece of writing. Critique groups, workshops, classes, readers (as in those who read first drafts and offer commentary), feedback from contests, agents and editors making editorial suggestions, and so on. It seems endless.
And a lot of the time, this is good. You get a different perspective, are shown things you might be blind to, gain insight and new, sometimes ingenious ideas.
But it also can be overwhelming. For one thing, I think it's important to choose readers/critiquers/etc wisely when possible, people who will help you realize your vision of the piece, rather than those who want to impose their own. And it's important to discern what suggestions feel right and which don't.
And that can be a lot harder than it seems. Especially when there's all this input coming from everywhere. And so many rules, whether in these groups and workshops, classes, or in writing books and magazines. You might read this or that is harder to sell (whether it's which point of view the story's in, a stylistic thing, word count, chapter length, subject matter that is or is not a hot topic). It can be daunting. It can be like trying to follow ever-changing fashion rules (which personally has always disgusted me to an extent). It can also steamroll right over that individual spark that fuels creativity in the first place. And when it comes from "authority figures" such as agents or editors, it can be even harder to sort out.
But I think ultimately, the artist or the writer has to be their own authority. I think sometimes compromise is the kiss of death. Yeah, that sounds a little drastic and probably is, but life is short, and it's way, way too easy to get caught up in what others will think, and I think that doing that is a sort of soul-denial on some level.
I've definitely fallen prey to it myself. Who hasn't? I find myself re-thinking some changes I made to my memoir. Some I absolutely think were right on, insightful suggestions. I think there were things I orginally sort of skirted around, that got deeper with each revision. And more clearly and succinctly described. Strangely, with editing, some parts got more raw, and I like that. There were a lot of non-essentials and extraneous bits in the first version, almost fluff, and I'm glad I axed it out. On the other hand, there are some things I'm not satisfied with, some things I took out that I loved, that I feel the story isn't complete without. It's been awhile too, so if I add them back in now, and re-read it over, I might have a clearer take on what truly adds to the story, and what doesn't.
I guess what I'm saying is I want to make my book the absolute best I can make it, in my vision, what intuitively in my guts feels like the truest and deepest expression of the story I most want to tell, not necessarily the story someone else wants to hear. I think THAT is where the soul growth comes from, a dedication to the real inner truth.
It got me thinking about who we write for. A writing teacher I love used to say, "We write to be read," which I think is true. For two amazing years I was part of the best writing group. Oh I could write volumes on how funny and deep and awesome those times were, one of my best memories ever, and something that I think changed everyone who was part of it, in a beautiful way. I was so prolific during those years, writing two hours every day, and I was definitely partly writing for them, which was great because this group welcomed everything real. It helped me get over a fear of being truthful about difficult things. It helped me get over a fear of reading difficult things. In that group, we laughed and cried and shared. That group was a great big permission slip to be as candid as humanly possible. It was sort of like unconditional artistic love, that group. And so yeah, I wrote for them. There was one woman who had the hugest, heartiest, loudest laugh. And I often felt like I wrote with her laugh in the back of my mind. Which was great - and that was great, because I let my humor come through, dark or otherwise and sort of helped that blossom in my writing, and helped me find irony and humor in lots of things, and be free to express.
I think we do write (or create) to be read or seen or heard or understood, so in a sense we write for others, but I also do think that we have to write for ourselves first. So I really liked that Vonnegut quote, the whole soul growth thing, I think that is possibly the only important rule to follow as a writer. I also like that the quote pays attention to small, daily acts of art and creativity as well. The playful things. The things that aren't for any serious project or pursuit, like singing in the shower. I think I'd say that anything done with passion falls into that soul growth category, and is a good thing to remember.
So, those are some thoughts for this Friday morning, all relevant to figuring out my next move in life...more on that in later blogs.
Currently Listening:
"Haven't You Heard?" - Jeff Buckley. Funny, this song always reminds me of a great moment in that writing group I mentioned. This song, which I love, during probably the most poignant, passionately heartbroken, difficult and rich summer of my life, started a fight between my sister and I, and later the next day, a huge fight with my mom. I wrote about that summer, this song and the fight and read it to said group, and one of the other writers told me that I had inspired her to feel great heights of lust and then rage in a matter of paragraphs, and that was exactly the sort of thing that made me write with those ladies in mind, that inspired me to write most passionately from the core of the soul.
"You practice an art to make your soul grow, not to make money or to become famous. And this would include singing in the shower or dancing to the radio or also drawing a caricature of your best friend, or whatever—all this makes your soul grow. And you meet a person who's done that, whether successfully or not, and you sense a larger soul." —Vonnegut
Linda and I have been discussing the importance of artistic integrity in recent emails, as we both go through the process of pursuing publication for our book manuscripts. So this quote, about how the deeper purpose is to make your soul grow, just absolutely hit the spot.
I think that writers, possibly more than other types of artists, are confronted with a lot of other people's opinions before, during and after working on any piece of writing. Critique groups, workshops, classes, readers (as in those who read first drafts and offer commentary), feedback from contests, agents and editors making editorial suggestions, and so on. It seems endless.
And a lot of the time, this is good. You get a different perspective, are shown things you might be blind to, gain insight and new, sometimes ingenious ideas.
But it also can be overwhelming. For one thing, I think it's important to choose readers/critiquers/etc wisely when possible, people who will help you realize your vision of the piece, rather than those who want to impose their own. And it's important to discern what suggestions feel right and which don't.
And that can be a lot harder than it seems. Especially when there's all this input coming from everywhere. And so many rules, whether in these groups and workshops, classes, or in writing books and magazines. You might read this or that is harder to sell (whether it's which point of view the story's in, a stylistic thing, word count, chapter length, subject matter that is or is not a hot topic). It can be daunting. It can be like trying to follow ever-changing fashion rules (which personally has always disgusted me to an extent). It can also steamroll right over that individual spark that fuels creativity in the first place. And when it comes from "authority figures" such as agents or editors, it can be even harder to sort out.
But I think ultimately, the artist or the writer has to be their own authority. I think sometimes compromise is the kiss of death. Yeah, that sounds a little drastic and probably is, but life is short, and it's way, way too easy to get caught up in what others will think, and I think that doing that is a sort of soul-denial on some level.
I've definitely fallen prey to it myself. Who hasn't? I find myself re-thinking some changes I made to my memoir. Some I absolutely think were right on, insightful suggestions. I think there were things I orginally sort of skirted around, that got deeper with each revision. And more clearly and succinctly described. Strangely, with editing, some parts got more raw, and I like that. There were a lot of non-essentials and extraneous bits in the first version, almost fluff, and I'm glad I axed it out. On the other hand, there are some things I'm not satisfied with, some things I took out that I loved, that I feel the story isn't complete without. It's been awhile too, so if I add them back in now, and re-read it over, I might have a clearer take on what truly adds to the story, and what doesn't.
I guess what I'm saying is I want to make my book the absolute best I can make it, in my vision, what intuitively in my guts feels like the truest and deepest expression of the story I most want to tell, not necessarily the story someone else wants to hear. I think THAT is where the soul growth comes from, a dedication to the real inner truth.
It got me thinking about who we write for. A writing teacher I love used to say, "We write to be read," which I think is true. For two amazing years I was part of the best writing group. Oh I could write volumes on how funny and deep and awesome those times were, one of my best memories ever, and something that I think changed everyone who was part of it, in a beautiful way. I was so prolific during those years, writing two hours every day, and I was definitely partly writing for them, which was great because this group welcomed everything real. It helped me get over a fear of being truthful about difficult things. It helped me get over a fear of reading difficult things. In that group, we laughed and cried and shared. That group was a great big permission slip to be as candid as humanly possible. It was sort of like unconditional artistic love, that group. And so yeah, I wrote for them. There was one woman who had the hugest, heartiest, loudest laugh. And I often felt like I wrote with her laugh in the back of my mind. Which was great - and that was great, because I let my humor come through, dark or otherwise and sort of helped that blossom in my writing, and helped me find irony and humor in lots of things, and be free to express.
I think we do write (or create) to be read or seen or heard or understood, so in a sense we write for others, but I also do think that we have to write for ourselves first. So I really liked that Vonnegut quote, the whole soul growth thing, I think that is possibly the only important rule to follow as a writer. I also like that the quote pays attention to small, daily acts of art and creativity as well. The playful things. The things that aren't for any serious project or pursuit, like singing in the shower. I think I'd say that anything done with passion falls into that soul growth category, and is a good thing to remember.
So, those are some thoughts for this Friday morning, all relevant to figuring out my next move in life...more on that in later blogs.
Currently Listening:
"Haven't You Heard?" - Jeff Buckley. Funny, this song always reminds me of a great moment in that writing group I mentioned. This song, which I love, during probably the most poignant, passionately heartbroken, difficult and rich summer of my life, started a fight between my sister and I, and later the next day, a huge fight with my mom. I wrote about that summer, this song and the fight and read it to said group, and one of the other writers told me that I had inspired her to feel great heights of lust and then rage in a matter of paragraphs, and that was exactly the sort of thing that made me write with those ladies in mind, that inspired me to write most passionately from the core of the soul.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
AmeriCorps and Other Possible Adventures
Wow, I'm exhausted. It's been awhile since I posted. I've been working a lot and also having a blast. I am just loving the group of people I'm working with this summer. I've also been busy researching every possible avenue for an adventure between now and next fall when I plan to go back to school. I've spent countless hours combing through AmeriCorps options, as well as any possibility I can find that could involve going abroad. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I feel like I have a lot of irons in the fire as the saying goes, and more would be even better.
Between last night and this morning, I did my (hopefully) last round of AmeriCorps combing. All told I looked through about 2000 listings. And narrowed it down to 20 to apply to. I'm feeling kind of adventurous, so none of the ones I picked are in WA. I think I've got a great array - some in CA (Bay Area/San Jose mostly), a few in Alaska, one in MD (for you, Linda), a few in New England, a few on other parts of the eastern seaboard, one in OR, one in New Orleans, one in Texas, one in AZ and one in West Virginia.
And I picked programs doing all sorts of different things. Some focus on volunteer recruitment, grantwriting and other things typically involved with running and fundraising for non-profit agencies. A few deal are aimed at alleviating poverty, a handful of others involve domestic violence/sexual assault prevention, a few positions are about mentoring at-risk youth or children with incarcerated parents, one is an agency for people with disabilities, one (and one of my favorites I must admit though it's not so social justice oriented) is working in a planetarium in Alaska. Since astronomy was my major for awhile in college, and a lifelong interest, that one jumped out at me immediately. That'd be so fucking cool. A few others are enironmental ed positions in cool places, like the coast of Maine, the mountains of WV, San Jose and New Orleans. And the biggest percentage of positions I applied for involve working with refugees and I think that rated so highly on my list because I really wish I could be working abroad, doing something with Peace Corps or a relief organization of some sort.
All I can say is things are set in motion. It's exciting to have all these options and I really want to pick something that will be adventurous, new, challenging, inspiring, and just a great experience with lots of opportunity for personal growth. Something good for my soul, I suppose.
So that's where I'm at at the moment, and still searching. So if anyone knows of any other cool opportunities or suggestions of what to do for a year, I'm interested.
Currently listening:
"Love Ridden" - Fiona Apple - Funny, I used to think of this song as a bad omen. It's a really sad song, lyrically and musically. I remember the first time I heard it - it was on my 25th birthday (which is interesting given the lyrics, which I'll include), and I wish I had paid more attention, instead of trying to fend off bad omens, because you can't really fend off the truth in a situation. That night is really clear in my mind, living in a room in a house full of people and drama, noticing the lyrics, relating in a way that, momentarily, because I identified, was really joyous. It's always great when someone puts your feelings into words. I'll highlight the lines that most struck chords with me. Maybe it was too accurate. For MONTHS I skipped this song whenever it came up. I just wish I had listened more closely. Strange how things evolve - now I love the song and appreciate it even more. Live and Learn, eh?
Anyway, here's the words:
Love Ridden
Fiona Apple
Love Ridden I will look at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lyin' in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm but it will only make me colder
when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not baby anymore
If I need you I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
Now I'm giving up...on...you
No, not baby anymore
If I need you I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while we'll only have to wave
Between last night and this morning, I did my (hopefully) last round of AmeriCorps combing. All told I looked through about 2000 listings. And narrowed it down to 20 to apply to. I'm feeling kind of adventurous, so none of the ones I picked are in WA. I think I've got a great array - some in CA (Bay Area/San Jose mostly), a few in Alaska, one in MD (for you, Linda), a few in New England, a few on other parts of the eastern seaboard, one in OR, one in New Orleans, one in Texas, one in AZ and one in West Virginia.
And I picked programs doing all sorts of different things. Some focus on volunteer recruitment, grantwriting and other things typically involved with running and fundraising for non-profit agencies. A few deal are aimed at alleviating poverty, a handful of others involve domestic violence/sexual assault prevention, a few positions are about mentoring at-risk youth or children with incarcerated parents, one is an agency for people with disabilities, one (and one of my favorites I must admit though it's not so social justice oriented) is working in a planetarium in Alaska. Since astronomy was my major for awhile in college, and a lifelong interest, that one jumped out at me immediately. That'd be so fucking cool. A few others are enironmental ed positions in cool places, like the coast of Maine, the mountains of WV, San Jose and New Orleans. And the biggest percentage of positions I applied for involve working with refugees and I think that rated so highly on my list because I really wish I could be working abroad, doing something with Peace Corps or a relief organization of some sort.
All I can say is things are set in motion. It's exciting to have all these options and I really want to pick something that will be adventurous, new, challenging, inspiring, and just a great experience with lots of opportunity for personal growth. Something good for my soul, I suppose.
So that's where I'm at at the moment, and still searching. So if anyone knows of any other cool opportunities or suggestions of what to do for a year, I'm interested.
Currently listening:
"Love Ridden" - Fiona Apple - Funny, I used to think of this song as a bad omen. It's a really sad song, lyrically and musically. I remember the first time I heard it - it was on my 25th birthday (which is interesting given the lyrics, which I'll include), and I wish I had paid more attention, instead of trying to fend off bad omens, because you can't really fend off the truth in a situation. That night is really clear in my mind, living in a room in a house full of people and drama, noticing the lyrics, relating in a way that, momentarily, because I identified, was really joyous. It's always great when someone puts your feelings into words. I'll highlight the lines that most struck chords with me. Maybe it was too accurate. For MONTHS I skipped this song whenever it came up. I just wish I had listened more closely. Strange how things evolve - now I love the song and appreciate it even more. Live and Learn, eh?
Anyway, here's the words:
Love Ridden
Fiona Apple
Love Ridden I will look at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lyin' in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm but it will only make me colder
when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not baby anymore
If I need you I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
Now I'm giving up...on...you
No, not baby anymore
If I need you I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while we'll only have to wave
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Switch is On
A few months ago, I wrote this post about how I felt sort of distanced from myself, and a time years ago when I felt more myself than ever, and how much I missed those times.
Well, I feel like I'm back.
First off, it's like some switch totally flipped for me at some point, when I suddenly, acutely felt my intellectual frustration so strongly that I couldn't ignore it or somehow make it okay. I'm not sure how it started - with all these personal changes, it's hard to pinpoint an exact start to things. They creep. Shift underneath the surface like tectonic plates until they're erupting and lava is everywhere. And that's a good thing, at least for me, because it's like re-awakening, rekindling the inner fire. It's passion. It's aliveness. So, even though sometimes it makes present circumstances a little difficult or uncomfortable (because aliveness sometimes makes you aware of where your soul is dying), any day I'll take it.
In fact I remember one morning early that magical winter, waking up early and reading Mists of Avalon for hours. I was a part where the main character Morgaine reconnects with her priestess self and is reawakening to that side of her. I felt so invigorated. I got up at dawn and took a long walk all over camp, infused with that reawakening energy myself. It was one of those low light winter day, the Madrona trees looked golden in the growing light. It was gorgeous and exhilarating, and I remember thinking that maybe losing yourself every once in awhile might be okay, just for the joy of waking back up.
This time, I think it somehow started in all that compulsive House-watching and analyzing every episode, engaging my mind, and then eventually, that wasn't enough. Then I started really reading again, which also helped. And then I went to that artist residency in March, which was just fucking heaven in that regard. There were ten of us total there, including the couple that runs the B&B, and we had great talks, hilarious (x infinity) moments that had me laughing so hard I was crying at least once a day, and long, contemplative intellectual discussions about writing, about politics, about life, about Atonement, which was playing that weekend. It was so great to have that. It made me realize how much I missed and craved it.
I also feel like my politically passionate self woke back up around the same time. For awhile, I just couldn't go there. And again, I'm not sure exactly when that shift started, but definitely reading Beloved and rereading The God of Small Things helped get it all started. I think they opened me back up to my own feelings of empathy for the world. And of course the primaries and caucuses stirred things up too. And having cool friends who actually wanted to talk about these things and care.
But I think it was reading The Kite Runner that sealed the deal for me. I feel like that book just broke my heart wide open. After finishing the book, I went on Khaled Hosseini's site and paged through all "ways to aid Afghanistan" links and videos on there, explored a lot of the linked sites (most of which I added to my link list), printed out the Amnesty International study guide for the movie (which was 64 pages). I started listening to Democracy Now! again, and do so on all my walks to work. I went to a talk by Gerri Haynes, who has gone to the Middle East several times with Physicians for Social Responsibility, and who's worked with Iraqi refugees. It was heartbreaking. I cried through most of the talk (it's funny, I used to NEVER EVER EVER cry in front of anyone, at all costs, especially publicly, but a lot of things in the last seven years or so have changed that some. I still felt slightly uncomfortable, but then I thought to myself, I should be crying over this. It's horrible and devastating and crying is a more than appropriate response).
In other re-awakening news, I think it's obvious that my insatiable love for reading has resurfaced. I didn't read much while with Mr. O or in the aftermath as I was just sort of trying to recover (which in some ways I feel is still going on, but at least I've started reading again). And my music obsession self has also come back full force, which is awesome. A lot of that had sort of faded a bit too, but no more.
So, not many people know this. I think only two. One is the person who suggested it and the other is Leo: I was seriously considering joining the Peace Corps before returning to school. This was about a month ago. I just feel so compelled to actually go out there, and inspired by some people I know and some who worked as environmental educators at work this spring who've done it. My friend Francie, whose known me for probably four years now, suggested it and was really encouraging. She did it many years ago, and I think that if she could she'd drop everything and do it again in a heartbeat. So I did some research into it and unfortunately, you pretty much have to have a college degree. I was disappointed; it's the first time that not having one has really been a hindrance for me. I went on and researched some comparable organizations, and then started looking at AmeriCorps, which I'd wanted to do years ago.
I'd thought about it earlier, but kept thinking it'd be impossible to find a year-long program that would start and end between now and when I plan to start school in Sept '09. Still I went ot the website and checked, and I was wrong. Most programs seem to start and end in late August/early September. So I'm going to apply. I'm hoping to finish my application today. I already told my supervisor that I might be leaving at the end of summer if this works out. So I'm going for it, and I'll just see what happens. I think I'm more than qualified. I have some favorite programs, one in particular that is so up my alley and exactly what I want to do, but for whatever reason, I don't want to say more because I don't want to jinx anything! So just think good thoughts for me : )
I guess my wild, adventurous spirit is also back, in full force. That may have been sleeping the longest. I think I was pretty traumatized by my time in Seattle many years ago, and since then I've been very focused on survival, which is important, too. Now that I'm in a better place in my life, by leaps and bounds, I'm ready to venture out into the world again. It's about time!
Currently listening:
"O Sailor" - Fiona Apple - I love this woman, she is a genius, and I don't think there's much more to say. So many lyrics to possibly highlight, I'll settle on these:
"And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake, appeared the touch and call
Of a different breed
One who set to get me wise, and got me there
And then, got me"
Well, I feel like I'm back.
First off, it's like some switch totally flipped for me at some point, when I suddenly, acutely felt my intellectual frustration so strongly that I couldn't ignore it or somehow make it okay. I'm not sure how it started - with all these personal changes, it's hard to pinpoint an exact start to things. They creep. Shift underneath the surface like tectonic plates until they're erupting and lava is everywhere. And that's a good thing, at least for me, because it's like re-awakening, rekindling the inner fire. It's passion. It's aliveness. So, even though sometimes it makes present circumstances a little difficult or uncomfortable (because aliveness sometimes makes you aware of where your soul is dying), any day I'll take it.
In fact I remember one morning early that magical winter, waking up early and reading Mists of Avalon for hours. I was a part where the main character Morgaine reconnects with her priestess self and is reawakening to that side of her. I felt so invigorated. I got up at dawn and took a long walk all over camp, infused with that reawakening energy myself. It was one of those low light winter day, the Madrona trees looked golden in the growing light. It was gorgeous and exhilarating, and I remember thinking that maybe losing yourself every once in awhile might be okay, just for the joy of waking back up.
This time, I think it somehow started in all that compulsive House-watching and analyzing every episode, engaging my mind, and then eventually, that wasn't enough. Then I started really reading again, which also helped. And then I went to that artist residency in March, which was just fucking heaven in that regard. There were ten of us total there, including the couple that runs the B&B, and we had great talks, hilarious (x infinity) moments that had me laughing so hard I was crying at least once a day, and long, contemplative intellectual discussions about writing, about politics, about life, about Atonement, which was playing that weekend. It was so great to have that. It made me realize how much I missed and craved it.
I also feel like my politically passionate self woke back up around the same time. For awhile, I just couldn't go there. And again, I'm not sure exactly when that shift started, but definitely reading Beloved and rereading The God of Small Things helped get it all started. I think they opened me back up to my own feelings of empathy for the world. And of course the primaries and caucuses stirred things up too. And having cool friends who actually wanted to talk about these things and care.
But I think it was reading The Kite Runner that sealed the deal for me. I feel like that book just broke my heart wide open. After finishing the book, I went on Khaled Hosseini's site and paged through all "ways to aid Afghanistan" links and videos on there, explored a lot of the linked sites (most of which I added to my link list), printed out the Amnesty International study guide for the movie (which was 64 pages). I started listening to Democracy Now! again, and do so on all my walks to work. I went to a talk by Gerri Haynes, who has gone to the Middle East several times with Physicians for Social Responsibility, and who's worked with Iraqi refugees. It was heartbreaking. I cried through most of the talk (it's funny, I used to NEVER EVER EVER cry in front of anyone, at all costs, especially publicly, but a lot of things in the last seven years or so have changed that some. I still felt slightly uncomfortable, but then I thought to myself, I should be crying over this. It's horrible and devastating and crying is a more than appropriate response).
In other re-awakening news, I think it's obvious that my insatiable love for reading has resurfaced. I didn't read much while with Mr. O or in the aftermath as I was just sort of trying to recover (which in some ways I feel is still going on, but at least I've started reading again). And my music obsession self has also come back full force, which is awesome. A lot of that had sort of faded a bit too, but no more.
So, not many people know this. I think only two. One is the person who suggested it and the other is Leo: I was seriously considering joining the Peace Corps before returning to school. This was about a month ago. I just feel so compelled to actually go out there, and inspired by some people I know and some who worked as environmental educators at work this spring who've done it. My friend Francie, whose known me for probably four years now, suggested it and was really encouraging. She did it many years ago, and I think that if she could she'd drop everything and do it again in a heartbeat. So I did some research into it and unfortunately, you pretty much have to have a college degree. I was disappointed; it's the first time that not having one has really been a hindrance for me. I went on and researched some comparable organizations, and then started looking at AmeriCorps, which I'd wanted to do years ago.
I'd thought about it earlier, but kept thinking it'd be impossible to find a year-long program that would start and end between now and when I plan to start school in Sept '09. Still I went ot the website and checked, and I was wrong. Most programs seem to start and end in late August/early September. So I'm going to apply. I'm hoping to finish my application today. I already told my supervisor that I might be leaving at the end of summer if this works out. So I'm going for it, and I'll just see what happens. I think I'm more than qualified. I have some favorite programs, one in particular that is so up my alley and exactly what I want to do, but for whatever reason, I don't want to say more because I don't want to jinx anything! So just think good thoughts for me : )
I guess my wild, adventurous spirit is also back, in full force. That may have been sleeping the longest. I think I was pretty traumatized by my time in Seattle many years ago, and since then I've been very focused on survival, which is important, too. Now that I'm in a better place in my life, by leaps and bounds, I'm ready to venture out into the world again. It's about time!
Currently listening:
"O Sailor" - Fiona Apple - I love this woman, she is a genius, and I don't think there's much more to say. So many lyrics to possibly highlight, I'll settle on these:
"And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake, appeared the touch and call
Of a different breed
One who set to get me wise, and got me there
And then, got me"
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The Big Read
I stole this from Tara.
The Big Read thinks the average adult has only read six of the top 100 books they've printed below.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE. (Well, I can't figure out how to underline on here, so I'm going to star the ones I LOVE).
4) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - was supposed to in high school, but didn't.
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
*5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (I want to read all the major books of the world's religions).
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - ehhh, same as #1. I couldn't get into it, which I KNOW is blasphemy among many people I know, but there were like a few pages that I really dug, but yeah, it was high school, I blew it off and read something else instead I'm sure.
*8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare - another sin of blasphemy, I'm not a big fan.
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (the first one)
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (isn't this redundant after #33??)
*****37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (this book just rocks my fucking world it's so good)
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
*42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (the first one)
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
*58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
*64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
*73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
*76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
*83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert - again, see #1, though this one, the parts I read I actively vehemently disliked. I remember reading every other chapter, then every third, then skimming and eventually just saying, fuck it).
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
So, there you have it. I'd also like to make a little addendum, adding some books I think should be on there:
The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
Angela's Ashes - Frank McCourt
A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle
Beloved - Toni Morrison
The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
White Oleander - Janet Fitch
I hereby bold these and award them all multitudes of stars.
So, people, pass it on, make your lists!
Currently Listening:
"Here, In My Head" - Tori Amos - she says it's one of her favorite B-sides, and it's also one of mine. I LOVE that the "album" it's on in my iTunes is Forgotten Earthquakes, because that is soooo appropriate, though sometimes I can't believe it was from the Little Earthquakes era, it seems somehow wiser, like it's from an older Tori. I love it so much that it's hard to pick out specific lines like usual, so I'm giving the whole song here:
Here, In My Head
Tori Amos
In my head
I found you there and
Running around and following me
But you don't, oh, dare, now
But I find that I have now
More than I ever wanted to
So maybe Thomas Jefferson wasn't born in your backyard
Like you have said, and
Maybe I'm just the horizon you run to when
She has left
You there
You are
Here in my head
And running around and calling me,
"Come back, I'll show you the roses
and brush off the snow
And open their petals again and again"
You know that apple green ice cream can melt in your hands
I can't, so...
I held your hand at the fair and
Even forgot what time it was
And even Thomas Jefferson wasn't born in your backyard
Like you have said, and
Maybe I'm just the horizon you run to when
She has left you and me here
Alone on the floor
You're counting my feathers as the bells toll
You see the bow and the belt
And the girl from the South
All favorites of mine
You know them all well
Spring brings fresh little puddles
That makes it all clear
Makes it all...
Hey, do you know?
Hey, do you know?
Mmmm, what this is doing to me?
Oh, here...
Here...
Here...
Here in my head
The Big Read thinks the average adult has only read six of the top 100 books they've printed below.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE. (Well, I can't figure out how to underline on here, so I'm going to star the ones I LOVE).
4) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - was supposed to in high school, but didn't.
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
*5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (I want to read all the major books of the world's religions).
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - ehhh, same as #1. I couldn't get into it, which I KNOW is blasphemy among many people I know, but there were like a few pages that I really dug, but yeah, it was high school, I blew it off and read something else instead I'm sure.
*8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare - another sin of blasphemy, I'm not a big fan.
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (the first one)
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (isn't this redundant after #33??)
*****37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (this book just rocks my fucking world it's so good)
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
*42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (the first one)
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
*58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
*64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
*73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
*76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
*83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert - again, see #1, though this one, the parts I read I actively vehemently disliked. I remember reading every other chapter, then every third, then skimming and eventually just saying, fuck it).
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
So, there you have it. I'd also like to make a little addendum, adding some books I think should be on there:
The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
Angela's Ashes - Frank McCourt
A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle
Beloved - Toni Morrison
The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
White Oleander - Janet Fitch
I hereby bold these and award them all multitudes of stars.
So, people, pass it on, make your lists!
Currently Listening:
"Here, In My Head" - Tori Amos - she says it's one of her favorite B-sides, and it's also one of mine. I LOVE that the "album" it's on in my iTunes is Forgotten Earthquakes, because that is soooo appropriate, though sometimes I can't believe it was from the Little Earthquakes era, it seems somehow wiser, like it's from an older Tori. I love it so much that it's hard to pick out specific lines like usual, so I'm giving the whole song here:
Here, In My Head
Tori Amos
In my head
I found you there and
Running around and following me
But you don't, oh, dare, now
But I find that I have now
More than I ever wanted to
So maybe Thomas Jefferson wasn't born in your backyard
Like you have said, and
Maybe I'm just the horizon you run to when
She has left
You there
You are
Here in my head
And running around and calling me,
"Come back, I'll show you the roses
and brush off the snow
And open their petals again and again"
You know that apple green ice cream can melt in your hands
I can't, so...
I held your hand at the fair and
Even forgot what time it was
And even Thomas Jefferson wasn't born in your backyard
Like you have said, and
Maybe I'm just the horizon you run to when
She has left you and me here
Alone on the floor
You're counting my feathers as the bells toll
You see the bow and the belt
And the girl from the South
All favorites of mine
You know them all well
Spring brings fresh little puddles
That makes it all clear
Makes it all...
Hey, do you know?
Hey, do you know?
Mmmm, what this is doing to me?
Oh, here...
Here...
Here...
Here in my head
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