"Ribbons Undone" - Tori Amos (Chapter One)

I'll just preface this by saying that there are two sections of my book. The first is called Eclipses, with four chapters about childhood and adolescence before I left for college. These are not named after songs. The next section, Waxing Crescent, is the main body of the book, and I still think of the first chapter in this section as chapter 1. This section (the bulk of the book) is where lyric-as-title comes into play.

In this post I decided to go through my chapters that are named after song lyrics and say why I picked the lyric with the chapter, because I picked them all for such varied reasons.

Chapter One is titled "She's A Girl Rising From A Shell" from the song "Ribbons Undone" by Tori Amos.

Some songs I picked because that's what I was listening to at the time I'm writing about. This was not the case this time. I titled this chapter about leaving for college with a line from a song that I didn't hear until six years after the fact.

Yet this is one of the chapter titles that to me is so perfect it gives me shivers. I thought the whole idea of a girl rising from a shell was such an apt image for my own transition to college from home. In fact, if I could design my own book cover, it would have some image of an albino girl rising from a shell, probably with some bluey ocean color in the background. And moon imagery, of course.

And why I love this song and chapter matching soooo much is partly because to me, the whole song really fits - not so much the song title or the album title, which is the case with other selections - but if I could name the chapter after the whole song, I would, because it just fits seamlessly.

Tori wrote "Ribbons Undone" for her daughter. And just as a side story, I heard this song in spring of 2005, when her album The Beekeeper came out. I was going through another kind of big transition at the time, and I was writing this chapter, and this song was always on my mind. Then that April, I went with a friend of mine to my first Tori concert, in Seattle. She played songs from her whole career, though it seemed namely from Boys For Pele, and I kept hoping she'd play this song. I did that thing where I was trying to send silent mental messages, thinking, "Tori, play it, play it, play it," over and over. The first set ends and she comes back out onstage for the encore and said something like her daughter had asked her to play "her song" for the people of Seattle, so she did. Seeing it live actually made me cry, and was one of those moments where it seems like everything converges. A gorgeous and profound moment just layered with meaning.

Anyway here are the words to the song:

She's a girl
Rising from a shell
Running to spring
It is her time it is her time
Watch her run with ribbons undone

She's a rose in a lily's cloak
She can hide her charms
It is her right there will be time
To chase the sun with ribbons undone

She runs like a fire does
Just picking up daises
Comes in for a landing
A pure flash of lightening
Past alice blue blossoms
You follow her laughter
And then she'll surprise you
Arms filled with lavender

Yes my little pony is growing up fast
She corrects me and says
"You mean a thoroughbred"
A look in her eyes says the battle's beginning
From school she comes home and cries
I don't want to grow up Mom at last not tonight

You're a girl
Rising from a shell
Running through spring
With summer's hand in reach now
It is your time
It is your time
So just run with ribbons undone
It is your time yes my angel
It is your time
So just run with ribbons undone

Run run darlin'
Ribbons undone


So the song is obviously for a much younger girl than I was leaving for school, but still it grabbed me, the whole sense of a girl going from one phase to another, spring to summer, coming into her own, rising, growing. It just encompasses a lot of the feelings I have when I look back at myself at that time. This part particularly tugs hard at my heartstrings:

"Yes my little pony is growing up fast
She corrects me and says
"You mean a thoroughbred"
A look in her eyes says the battle's beginning
From school she comes home and cries
I don't want to grow up Mom at last not tonight"

I still have a hard time hearing that part of the song without tearing up. I find it so poignant. I guess what I relate to is the innocence of it, looking back. It's hard for me to put it into words. That whole idea that the battle is beginning, I have this feeling of looking at her daughter, or any mother looking at their daughter as a little kid, as the battle called life starts up, and I feel the same way, at my age now, looking back at the younger me who left for college - ready as hell to leave, scared out of my mind, that whole push and pull of wanting to grow up and also not wanting to.

I also get a little lump in my throat just thinking of how fragile innocence is. I had NO idea what I was getting into when I left for college, no idea where the journey would take me and what roads I would travel down. It's like I could look at myself leaving for college and just say to her, "You have no idea what you're in for, no idea how fucking hard it will be at times, no idea what heights of heartache and happiness you'll have along the way." I feel that way looking back at a lot of beginnings, anything I started without really knowing the path (and I mean that in an internal and external way) it would take or where it would lead. There's something really precious about that setting out without knowing. Something that just kind of kills me, like, "if only you knew...but thank god you don't." I think sometimes, that it's the only way we start anything or embark on any adventure, is by the grace of not actually knowing what it will entail. Because I know for myself anyway, if I did sometimes know the real cost or impact or meaning of something ahead of time, I wouldn't be able to take that first step, and then there would be no great meaning or impact or experience. I have a lot of tender feelings around that whole concept, remembering innocence and not knowing. It's a blessing sometimes.

Says the tarot reader.

Another little story about this song and my book: This was one of the first chapters I named, and it was written in stone for me, cemented immediately. At one point, about two years ago, I was thinking of self-publishing rather than seeking traditional publishing, and so I tried to obtain permission to use some of the lyrics that are in my book, and mailed a request to use the line from this song to Tori's publishing company. Well maybe a week or two later, I woke up with a ringing phone at 6am or something, and it was someone who called himself "Dr Amos" wanting to talk to me about the copyright permission. I had been in a dead sleep and tried to get my wits about me, while at the same time wondering, Dr. Amos? Am I talking to Tori's father or something? I did get the permission (and he even gave me some advice on changing the title of my book, lol). He was on the east coast, which was the reason for the earliness of the call. Anyway, I thought that was cool.

Know what else is kind of cool? It's snowing.

My Table of Contents Looks More Like the Song List on a Soundtrack...or Something

So, all my chapters (except for the first four that cover childhood), are named after song lyrics. In fact, I'll just put the list of songs on here, to give an idea, and then I want to talk about the general motivations. I'll just give song title and artist.

"Ribbons Undone" - Tori Amos
"Until the Ocean..." - Malfunkshun
"Down in a Hole" - Alice in Chains
"Moonchild" - Chris Cornell
"Miss World" - Hole
"Paper Bag" - Fiona Apple
"Call Me a Dog" - Temple of the Dog
"Coming Down" - Eleven
"Zero Chance" - Soundgarden
"Moonchild" - Chris Cornell
"Moonchild" - Chris Cornell
"A Murder of One" - Counting Crows
"Jimmy" - Tool
"Unforgiving Hours" - Drain S.T.H.
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows
"I Wish I Was Here" - Dog's Eye View
"Sunshower" - Chris Cornell
"Crazy Baby" - Joan Osborn
"Now Is Mine" - K's Choice
"Prison Sex" - Tool
"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley
"Toast" - Tori Amos
"Rain King" - Counting Crows
"Moonchild" - Chris Cornell


Some of them, I'm not crazy about. The one I'm least crazy about is Hallelujah. I mean, I LOVE the song, it's just the one that I feel least sure that it fits right.

I had a strong urge to go with songs that really, to me, symbolized that time, like songs I listened to a lot at the time, or the song from a particular artist that I like best, or feel most deeply about, and sometimes that just didn't work out.

For example, to go back to Mr. JB, I would have LOVED to use "Lover, You Should've Comoe Over" or "Mojo Pin," because those are the songs of his that get me on the deepest level. "Mojo Pin" espeically reminds me of that time in my life. The way Jeff sings the "ooohs" at hte beginning and the opening notes, it just does something to me, and that part in particular really seems to symbolize a sort of pulling out of myself that happened during the sprign of that year, but I'm just not sure there's any line in that song that fits with any particular chapter I have.

I also wanted to use the song "Breakable" by Fisher, from the Great Expectations Soundtrack, because that too was a song I listened to a lot back then, and it reminds me of that time, but again it didnt' quite fit, I don't think.

Likewise, I might've preferred a different K's Choice song, and at a different place (chronologically). And as for Temple of the Dog, I'd prefer to use the song "All Night Thing," because that's a song I write about in the text of the chapter, and one that I just love. Since it comes up in the text, I'd love to use it as the chapter heading, but there's just no lines in it that fit, at all.

And I actually split what was once one chapter to make room for the Joan Osborn song, because that song was so symbolic at the time, and the lyrics SO fit my life and what I wrote about.

Actually, writing this, I'm struck again how I sometimes feel like the table of contents woudl more deeply fit the book, or feel more right, somehow, to me, if I DID use the songs I really want to and maybe I can rethink that some. Maybe I should try harder to see if there's a way to make those songs fit as I go through the manuscript again.

On the other hand, there was one chapter that I completely discarded (I think of it as a B-side, since I think of everything in music terms) that I thought had a freakin' perfect lyrical title. It was a chapter about in which I talked with some friends during that first year of college about a breakup the year before, and was really searching for the reason WHY the relationship ended, since I really had no idea, and looking back now, I kind of think that at that time, as a freshman in college, I perhaps drew some wrong conclusions, or at least, conclusions that I carried with me for years afterwards, whether they were accurate or not, that really affected the way I saw myself. I eventually decided the chapter itself wasn't really necessary to the story, but I loved the title. It was a Soundgarden lyric - "Looking for a paradigm so I can pass it on," because in a way, that's exactly what I was doing, and the other reason I loved it was that the name of the song that line is from is called "Searching With My Good Eye Closed," which I thought was just soooo appropriate. Plus it could sort of relate to the whole legal blindness thing. So, I was sorry to let that chapter go.

So, what I'm thinking now is that I really want to write more about how I arrived at lyrics as chapter titles, because they're all so different. Some I picked for the meaning of the whole song, some for a snippet, some because the song and album names also enhance the meanings. Some have layers of meaning, and others are simpler. Some have things no one else would probably ever pick up on without listening to the whole song, and in other cases, the rest of the song aside from chosen lyric is totally irrelevant and even inappropriate to the chapter. So I think what I'll do is write a post about each one, because the process is so different for each one.

Word.


Currently listening:
"Kingdom of Rain" - The The (with Sinead O'Connor) - This is such a sad and poignant song, about a relationship gone stale and passionless. I think it's a song that's really full of aching, and probably (sadly) a feeling or circumstance that's not that uncommon. I remember being very affected by the words the first time I heard it, even though I'd hardly been in any relationships or experienced this sort of thing. Here's a lyrical snippet, I like the imagery, even though the song itself is so sad: "And as silent as the car lights that move across this room/And as cold as our bodies silhoutted by the moon/And I would lie awake and wonder, is it just me/Or is this the way that love's supposed to be?"

Pausing to Say...

Before I get into the subject at hand, I just want to say that I know my posts here have been pretty sporadic. Sadly, that's probably going to continue for awhile, possibly through October. This is the busy season at work, and I'm working full-time, and working on my book (reading it through again), polishing the manuscript and the proposal in preparation to send to agents, taking a yoga class, going to a writers group, going to therapy, and oh yeah, having fun.

I feel like I'm enjoying a better social life than I have in ages, possibly ever. Not having that dog makes a huge difference (though I do miss her). I'm having a visitor this weekend, and another in May, and then in June my friend Leo's coming out here. In a week and a half I'm going to Seattle with a friend on my days off. I've been going out to karaoke nights, having movie dates with a good friend of mine, lunch dates with others, tons of tarot appointments. In a way, I feel like I'm coming out of my shell. I don't even know what precipitated this change exactly, but it's like all of a sudden at work, I can't shut up. That's not exactly new, I can never shut up, but my more twisted, sarcastic, sometimes dirty mind is coming out a lot more, and I find myself talking more to people I don't know so well and just generally being a lot more open. It's awesome. I love it. I'm enjoying it all to the max, and only wish that I could also include making out in that list of activities, lol.

There is SO much I want to blog about. I want to write about movies I've seen recently. I want to write a post about the book The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy, which is probably one of my favorite books ever written. I reread it on my trip to Hawaii and have been meaning to write about it ever since. I want to do a full length blog post in response to Tara's response to my post about living in the dispensary. I want to post about the politics of comedy, and other social/political topics that interest me. I want to write about songs. I want to post about other books I'm reading. I want to post about writing. I want to finish my "Why I Love House" series because there are a few more installments coming. I want to write in detail about the writing residency I went to a month ago. And it goes on and on and on.

I just find it hard to keep up. In most cases, I'm months behind even on emails. I'm trying to work out a schedule that allows time for EVERYTHING because I want to be able to do everything, but it's hard, I'm working on it, and still tweaking it all. So my posts may be sparser than usual, but I am trying to get in a rhythm somehow or other. ONe part that makes it hard is that by my nature, I say a lot (kinda what I meant by not being able to shut up, and good lord, lol) so my posts always come out long. I can't help it.

I've never been a woman of few words, just ask any guy I've ever loved, or anyone who's ever seen me really drunk.

But anyway, I just wanted to say I'm not intentionally ignoring the blog or anything, I'll keep writing, I promise (threaten?)

And now back to your regularly scheduled blogging...


Currently listening:

"Pet" - A Perfect Circle - one of my favorite songs by this group, headed by Maynard from Tool. I just melt at that first line, when he sings, "Don't fret precious I'm here," in this ominous and incredibly sexy way. I'm a pretty big fan of dry humor and sarcasm (as a fan of H ouse, that's probably already apparent) and Maynard does sarcasm so intelligently and well. I've always thought of Tool's song "Opiate" (one of my absolute favorites) as kind of playing an evil religious leader ("Choices always were a problem for you/What you need is someone strong to guide you...deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow...) which sort of points out the dangers of it all. And APC's Pet I think of in a similar vein, but playing an evil new world order type of leader ("Safe from pain, and truth, and choice and other poison devils...just stay with me, safe and ignorant, go back to sleep...I'll be the one to protect you from, a will to survive and a voice of reason). Ah, the song is just brilliant. I know I'm not doing it justice.