This month I have made applying to colleges and scholarships my full-time job, and have actually spent more hours at it than at most jobs. I set myself a goal of 8 hours a day working on all of it, and I often went over and rarely took a day off. Yesterday I worked for fifteen hours with only a break for lunch. And now I feel totally fried.
In the last month, I've written 28 essays. If I have to write or look at another personal statement anytime soon I might spontaneously combust. I usually created each new essay by pulling from previous ones, and adjusting it for whatever particular purpose I needed, so it's not like they were all from scratch, but still. And many were, because the questions were specific and not covered elsewhere. I have reached the limit. This isn't even including all the short answer questions.
I don't even know how many forms I have filled out online and in print. I've been to the local office supply store almost every day, faxing transcript requests, copying required documents and letters of recommendation, which I coerced out of many sources, copying all my tax forms for financial aid offices and scholarship committees (I actually had my tax forms filled out before I got my W-2/etc in the mail). I don't even want to think how much paper I've gone through printing out application forms and required supplemental information. If the aforementioned office supply store was open right now Id probably be there b/ there's much I still need to copy today for the last batch of scholarship applications, and one of them needs everything scanned!
In the midst of all that I also planned and scheduled visits to three schools before I fly out, replete with interviews, sitting in on classes, campus tours and the like. All the other schools I'm applying to I've already visited. It's cool though, I'm sitting in on different types of classes at each place. At one, I'll sit in on a writing class, of course. The cool thing about that is that in conversing via email with the professor to set that up, one of the emails she sent me had a piece of a poem in it, a poem by Tony Hoagland. I don't consider myself very well-versed in poetry and I know that I don't know my poets all that well, so when I know one it says something, and I know Tony Hoagland. Not well, but his "Reasons to Survive November" is one of my favorite poems, so I thought that was a cool coincidence.
Speaking of, I'm taking a bit of a quick detour here to say I watched Into the Wild this weekend, and LOVED it. I got chills big-time when he started reciting Sharon Olds' poem "I Go Back to May, 1937" because that probably is my favorite poem. I first read it in Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird and have loved it ever since. It seems like now instead of music coincidences I'm having poetry coincidences. I can dig it.
Back on track. At another school I'm most likely sitting in on an interdisciplinary humanities course (yes!) and at another, a class on environmental health and social justice. I'm very glad that it'll be varied. I need variety.
But along with all of that came arranging all of it, arranging my travels, arranging whose couch to crash on at each place, getting bus tickets, etc, etc, etc. I actually thought I would also be able to plan a separate visit to Bellingham this month. I've visited Fairhaven before, twice actually (once in 2005, once in November) and had interviews and toured and all but I haven't gone to a class. So I wanted to try to squeeze that in, and some friends were considering going, but shit, I think I was crazy to even think I might be able to fit that in.
All of this while also doing everything to get ready for India - apply for India Visa, all the medical stuff, getting everything squared away with my apartment and with the person who will be watching it and doing my bookkeeping, getting supplies that I didn't have and probably more that I'm not even remembering anymore b/c I'm so fried. What I haven't done yet is pack.
Somehow I also did manage to have a pretty decent social life this month. I hung out a lot and had a surprise visit from my friend Heather in Seattle (though I also worked on stuff while she was here). I feel pretty good. I got everything done that I intended to. All my applications and their supplements are submitted. All the financial aid forms are filed (there were sooo many of those) and I applied to all the scholarships I originally set out to apply for. Except for the copying and scanning I mentioned, I am pretty much done. And that is a very good thing, b/c today's my last chance to mail stuff out before I take off on Monday morning. I just feel like everything is sort of squared away, like I made myself a goal and met it better than I might have thought.
That being said if I had to write another personal statement I might kill myself. And if I heard about another scholarship opportunity today, even if it sounded perfect and was for a million dollars, I might not bother. I am fried, completely and totally fried.
And so is my bank account - this shit is not cheap! Between all the application fees, the transcript requests (those get me every time, I've spent over $100 on that alone and luckily only one of my former schools charged for or I would be in the red), the College Board fees (for the financial aid profile and the sending of old SAT scores, which in most cases was optional and I opted for since my scores kicked major ass), all that copying and mailing and on and on and on, added up to over $600. Yikes.
And that is not to mention this is the same month as everything for India. I bought my plane ticket this month and paid a big chunk of the program fee, and paid for a domestic flight inside India as part of the itinerary, and then there were all the vaccinations, and the meds (!!!), and international insurance (funny I am insured overseas and not in America, go figure), and all my travel between here and San Fran where I'll fly out, and supplies. I think I have spent more money this month than in some (most?) years of my life. Seriously. The hope is that it will all be worth it.
Speaking of the meds, wow, what a trip. I was a bit worried about taking mefloquine for malaria - it's known to have serious emotional side effects and that's something I don't need, but the other option causes increased sun sensitivity, and I've already got that in spades. My doctor warned me that the Mef might cause weird dreams, and she wasn't kidding! I took my first one on Wednesday, and early that next morning I was in some weird state of lucid dreaming, I'm not entirely sure if I was asleep or awake, because I was dreaming, but also completely aware of my body. I think if I had ever tried acid, I would've been having acid flashbacks, it was totally weird. Kinda cool, but I'm glad it didn't happen again last night/this morning because there is just only so much I can take. If it happens once a week the night after taking the meds, I guess I'm cool with that. I don't think I'm having any emotional side effects, knock on wood. And with my current mental state of being totally fried, I feel I'd be ripe for those side effects if I was going to have them.
So that's that. My apartment is the messiest it's ever been, it looks like a hurricane hit my kitchen, and a tornado of paperwork laid waste to the living room, and another hurricane of boxes and packing material (from things I ordered) hit my bedroom. So I'd better get to cleaning that up, and to packing, at some point today after I finish my shit later this morning.
I'm leaving here in THREE DAYS. I can't believe it!
Currently listening:
"How to Save a Life" - The Fray - This song is on my computer b/c it's on the Grey's soundtrack. I don't really know The Fray, and not sure I really want to, but I do like this song a lot and play it often. I really like the piano, and the chorus. It's from the episode "Superstition" which I think is a really good one (I think Season 2 is just soooo good, probably my favorite) and during a pretty intense scene. Anyway while looking for the lyrics online, I found out this song is apparently written about a crack-addicted teen. I like that some of the songs on Grey's, like this one, have titles that could make sense in a medical sense too.
Here are the words:
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
India Itinerary
Check it out!
A lot of people have been exactly what I'm doing, so I thought I'd just post it up here. I'm going to include the day to day itinerary, as well as the more detailed descriptions that originally got me hooked, so all my readers have an idea what I'm getting into.
Program Itinerary
Date Description
Feb 12 Depart SFO at 1:40 AM for Hong Kong
Feb 13 Cross International Date Line; free day in Hong Kong. Approximately 15 hours of layover-fun!
Feb 14 Arrive into New Delhi at around 2 AM
Feb 14 - 16 Orientation at local hostel including scavenger hunts
Feb 16 - 17 Overnight Train to Varanasi, the "City of Lights"
Feb 17 - 24 VARANASI! Internships, Hindi study, Civic & Cultural Lectures - the sky's the limit!
Feb 24 - 25 Overnight Train to Gaya Junction; arrive early AM
Feb 25 - 28 Bodhgaya: temple stay, intro to Buddhism & meditation talks with local lama, Mahabodhi Temple experience
Feb 28 - March 1 Overnight train to Calcutta
March 1 Free day to get settled in Calcutta
March 2 Orientation at Mother Teresa Home for the Destitute
March 3 - 11 Volunteer in the AM's at MTH; afternoons and evenings for sightseeing, cricket games, temple visits
March 12 Overnight train to New Jalpaiguri (NJP) Station
March 13 Overland to Gangtok, Sikkim and get settled
March 14, 15 Rest days in Gangtok. Get settled, sightsee, watch the sun set over the Himalayas
March 16 - 23 Volunteer with environmental conservation project outside Gangtok. Homestays with local Nepali and Tibetan families
March 24 -28 Cultural trek in upper Sikkim with Quest Himalaya. Camping and homestays along the trail
March 29 Rest day after trek; laundry, internet catch-up, etc.
March 30 Overland to Darjeeling, Upper West Bengal and settle
March 31 - April 2 Darjeeling town: visit fair trade tea plantation, Himalayan Mountaineering Institute, Himalayan zoo, Ghoom Monastery
April 3 Overland to Bagdogra for domestic flight back to Delhi and overnight
April 4 Overnight train to Amritsar
April 5 - 6 Amritsar: stay in the Golden Temple while learning about the Sikh religion
April 7 Overland to small mountain town of Bir and Deer Park Institute
April 7 - 13 Live in the intentional community of Deer Park Institute; study yoga, meditation, sustainable living practices, go for day hikes in the local mountains, and watch paragliders take off from the nearby hills
April 14 - 20 Overland to McLeod Ganj, home of the Dalai Lama and Tibetans in exile. Homestays, internships, and final student planning for free travel weeks
April 21 - May 3 Student-directed "FREE TRAVEL"! Must end in Delhi by May 4th PM
May 4 Free day for last-minute shopping and packing and farewell dinner
May 5 FLY HOME!
Super early AM flight home!
India is a vast subcontinent that is made even more vast by the sheer diversity of its coexisting cultures. To experience the true depth and breadth of this country would take a lifetime, however, a useful way to organize India is by way of dividing it into “plains” and “mountains,” as the geography greatly impacts the respective spiritualities and ways of life. Itineraries are designed with this in mind, seeking to “flow” in a manner that maximizes opportunity for exploration.
The Plains
Orientation
Your semester in India begins in the capital of Delhi, adjusting to jetlag and getting to know your groupmates with a couple days’ orientation in the backpacking district of Paharganj and the commercial district of Connaught Place. “Get your feet wet” at a reasonable pace within the safety of the group; see a Bollywood flick together or explore some of the sights while absorbing the cultural lessons around you. Learn how to negotiate rickshaw prices and wander the markets.
Varanasi
Varanasi (Benaras), the “city of lights,” is renowned as the very pulse and epicenter of Hindu India. The group redsides in hostel accommodations within walking distance to Assi Ghat. Extend your ‘orientation’ and take part in internships of your choice, including: yoga practice, Indian cooking, fire dancing, stone carving, jewelry making, tabla, sitar, flute, and the list goes on! Practice your Hindi when you go to the market. Cook together as a group, or enjoy any number of international cuisines in the area. Experience sunrise over the Ganges, the burning ghats, and just generally soak up the vast, rich scope of one of the oldest cities on the globe.
Hindu Temple
Bodhgaya
Bodhgaya is the spiritual epicenter and birthplace of Buddhism. Sit and meditate under a descendant of the same bodhi tree where Siddhartha reputedly attained enlightenment. Visit Buddhist temples built by almost every other Buddhist nation in honor of this holy place. Walk in pilgrimmage around the Mahabodhi temple with monks in robes of bright colors. Stay in one of the temples and experience how the true devotees live. Feel the unique flavor of this holy city as it resides within India's poorest state.
Calcutta
After the inward journey of Buddhism and Bodhgaya, move on by overnight train to Calcutta (Kolkata). Here we will turn our journey outward by giving of ourselves, working approximately 4 hours each morning as volunteers at the Mother Theresa Homes for the Destitute. Here you will have choices of what type of work you wish to perform: support services (i.e. laundry), helping to feed the poorest of the poor, or even holding the hands of those who are in the process of dying, bringing them honor and dignity in their last days. Spend afternoons in groups absorbing and exploring this unforgettable and politically pivotal city.
Amritsar
Spend a night or two as a guest on the grounds of the Sikhs’ Golden Temple. Experience the wonder of eating a free meal en masse with thousands of others. Feel truly unconditionally welcomed as a guest of this unique religious tradition in the home of its birth.
The Mountains
Kids at Mountain Retreat Center
McLeod Ganj
McLeod Ganj, home of the Tibetan government in exile and the Dalai Lama, is the site where you will be living with Tibetan families and welcomed as a true member of their extended family. In this plush, mountainous region you will learn first-hand the unique challenges faced by a culture forced from its homeland. During the day you will again have the opportunity to participate in internships such as thangka painting, music, meditation, teaching English to political refugees, and cooking, among many others. There is no shortage of activity to be had in McLeod, as well as no shortage of excellent food, starting with your homestays!
Playing with Indian Kids
Rishikesh
First made famous by the Beatles who wrote their album "Sergeant Pepper" while living in a Rishikesh ashram, it is one of the most beautiful lowland areas to experience the Ganges River as it emerges from the Himalayan highlands. As such, it is also a hub of adventure activity including whitewater rafting, trekking, and kayaking. Wander the marketed streets and traverse the suspension bridges, or just hang out on the white sanded beaches of the river. Rishikesh is saturated with ashrams of all types, and a "guru" can be found on every corner.
Himalayan Trek
Spend 4 to 5 days camping and hiking in either the far Northwestern or Northeastern Indian Himalayas. Breathe deep the crisp mountain air, taking only pictures and leaving only footprints, as you participate in a fully guided and professionally supported trekking experience with one of the most reputable Himalayan companies. Sit each night by a roaring campfire while robust meals are cooked for you, take time for yourself in the silence, or take well-earned naps in the supplied tents. Be sure to dress warmly!
Cycle Rickshaw
Haridwar
A short ride from Rishikesh, translated literally as “gate of the gods,” Haridwar is a holy place for Hindus as it exists at a confluence of the Ganga and its tributaries. Less touristed than nearby Rishikesh, here you will find small, earnest ashrams teaching practical spirituality and health practices on a consistent basis.
Free Travel
This is a time of student-directed group travel. For about two weeks, your group will decide where they want to go and what they want to see. You are given a budget to operate within, and are responsible for all logistical details. Your group leaders will be there to monitor and assist as needed, but essentially this is your opportunity to experience for yourself what it is like to plan and execute your own travel in the developing world. It will also give you the opportunity to experiment with ways to stretch your travel dollar safely and intelligently. End back in Delhi, planning to arrive approximately 1 1/2 days before your flight home. Spend the last days experiencing the markets, sights, and whatever else you feel you wish to accomplish before heading home with more stories than you dreamed possible.
So, there it is.
A lot of people have been exactly what I'm doing, so I thought I'd just post it up here. I'm going to include the day to day itinerary, as well as the more detailed descriptions that originally got me hooked, so all my readers have an idea what I'm getting into.
Program Itinerary
Date Description
Feb 12 Depart SFO at 1:40 AM for Hong Kong
Feb 13 Cross International Date Line; free day in Hong Kong. Approximately 15 hours of layover-fun!
Feb 14 Arrive into New Delhi at around 2 AM
Feb 14 - 16 Orientation at local hostel including scavenger hunts
Feb 16 - 17 Overnight Train to Varanasi, the "City of Lights"
Feb 17 - 24 VARANASI! Internships, Hindi study, Civic & Cultural Lectures - the sky's the limit!
Feb 24 - 25 Overnight Train to Gaya Junction; arrive early AM
Feb 25 - 28 Bodhgaya: temple stay, intro to Buddhism & meditation talks with local lama, Mahabodhi Temple experience
Feb 28 - March 1 Overnight train to Calcutta
March 1 Free day to get settled in Calcutta
March 2 Orientation at Mother Teresa Home for the Destitute
March 3 - 11 Volunteer in the AM's at MTH; afternoons and evenings for sightseeing, cricket games, temple visits
March 12 Overnight train to New Jalpaiguri (NJP) Station
March 13 Overland to Gangtok, Sikkim and get settled
March 14, 15 Rest days in Gangtok. Get settled, sightsee, watch the sun set over the Himalayas
March 16 - 23 Volunteer with environmental conservation project outside Gangtok. Homestays with local Nepali and Tibetan families
March 24 -28 Cultural trek in upper Sikkim with Quest Himalaya. Camping and homestays along the trail
March 29 Rest day after trek; laundry, internet catch-up, etc.
March 30 Overland to Darjeeling, Upper West Bengal and settle
March 31 - April 2 Darjeeling town: visit fair trade tea plantation, Himalayan Mountaineering Institute, Himalayan zoo, Ghoom Monastery
April 3 Overland to Bagdogra for domestic flight back to Delhi and overnight
April 4 Overnight train to Amritsar
April 5 - 6 Amritsar: stay in the Golden Temple while learning about the Sikh religion
April 7 Overland to small mountain town of Bir and Deer Park Institute
April 7 - 13 Live in the intentional community of Deer Park Institute; study yoga, meditation, sustainable living practices, go for day hikes in the local mountains, and watch paragliders take off from the nearby hills
April 14 - 20 Overland to McLeod Ganj, home of the Dalai Lama and Tibetans in exile. Homestays, internships, and final student planning for free travel weeks
April 21 - May 3 Student-directed "FREE TRAVEL"! Must end in Delhi by May 4th PM
May 4 Free day for last-minute shopping and packing and farewell dinner
May 5 FLY HOME!
Super early AM flight home!
India is a vast subcontinent that is made even more vast by the sheer diversity of its coexisting cultures. To experience the true depth and breadth of this country would take a lifetime, however, a useful way to organize India is by way of dividing it into “plains” and “mountains,” as the geography greatly impacts the respective spiritualities and ways of life. Itineraries are designed with this in mind, seeking to “flow” in a manner that maximizes opportunity for exploration.
The Plains
Orientation
Your semester in India begins in the capital of Delhi, adjusting to jetlag and getting to know your groupmates with a couple days’ orientation in the backpacking district of Paharganj and the commercial district of Connaught Place. “Get your feet wet” at a reasonable pace within the safety of the group; see a Bollywood flick together or explore some of the sights while absorbing the cultural lessons around you. Learn how to negotiate rickshaw prices and wander the markets.
Varanasi
Varanasi (Benaras), the “city of lights,” is renowned as the very pulse and epicenter of Hindu India. The group redsides in hostel accommodations within walking distance to Assi Ghat. Extend your ‘orientation’ and take part in internships of your choice, including: yoga practice, Indian cooking, fire dancing, stone carving, jewelry making, tabla, sitar, flute, and the list goes on! Practice your Hindi when you go to the market. Cook together as a group, or enjoy any number of international cuisines in the area. Experience sunrise over the Ganges, the burning ghats, and just generally soak up the vast, rich scope of one of the oldest cities on the globe.
Hindu Temple
Bodhgaya
Bodhgaya is the spiritual epicenter and birthplace of Buddhism. Sit and meditate under a descendant of the same bodhi tree where Siddhartha reputedly attained enlightenment. Visit Buddhist temples built by almost every other Buddhist nation in honor of this holy place. Walk in pilgrimmage around the Mahabodhi temple with monks in robes of bright colors. Stay in one of the temples and experience how the true devotees live. Feel the unique flavor of this holy city as it resides within India's poorest state.
Calcutta
After the inward journey of Buddhism and Bodhgaya, move on by overnight train to Calcutta (Kolkata). Here we will turn our journey outward by giving of ourselves, working approximately 4 hours each morning as volunteers at the Mother Theresa Homes for the Destitute. Here you will have choices of what type of work you wish to perform: support services (i.e. laundry), helping to feed the poorest of the poor, or even holding the hands of those who are in the process of dying, bringing them honor and dignity in their last days. Spend afternoons in groups absorbing and exploring this unforgettable and politically pivotal city.
Amritsar
Spend a night or two as a guest on the grounds of the Sikhs’ Golden Temple. Experience the wonder of eating a free meal en masse with thousands of others. Feel truly unconditionally welcomed as a guest of this unique religious tradition in the home of its birth.
The Mountains
Kids at Mountain Retreat Center
McLeod Ganj
McLeod Ganj, home of the Tibetan government in exile and the Dalai Lama, is the site where you will be living with Tibetan families and welcomed as a true member of their extended family. In this plush, mountainous region you will learn first-hand the unique challenges faced by a culture forced from its homeland. During the day you will again have the opportunity to participate in internships such as thangka painting, music, meditation, teaching English to political refugees, and cooking, among many others. There is no shortage of activity to be had in McLeod, as well as no shortage of excellent food, starting with your homestays!
Playing with Indian Kids
Rishikesh
First made famous by the Beatles who wrote their album "Sergeant Pepper" while living in a Rishikesh ashram, it is one of the most beautiful lowland areas to experience the Ganges River as it emerges from the Himalayan highlands. As such, it is also a hub of adventure activity including whitewater rafting, trekking, and kayaking. Wander the marketed streets and traverse the suspension bridges, or just hang out on the white sanded beaches of the river. Rishikesh is saturated with ashrams of all types, and a "guru" can be found on every corner.
Himalayan Trek
Spend 4 to 5 days camping and hiking in either the far Northwestern or Northeastern Indian Himalayas. Breathe deep the crisp mountain air, taking only pictures and leaving only footprints, as you participate in a fully guided and professionally supported trekking experience with one of the most reputable Himalayan companies. Sit each night by a roaring campfire while robust meals are cooked for you, take time for yourself in the silence, or take well-earned naps in the supplied tents. Be sure to dress warmly!
Cycle Rickshaw
Haridwar
A short ride from Rishikesh, translated literally as “gate of the gods,” Haridwar is a holy place for Hindus as it exists at a confluence of the Ganga and its tributaries. Less touristed than nearby Rishikesh, here you will find small, earnest ashrams teaching practical spirituality and health practices on a consistent basis.
Free Travel
This is a time of student-directed group travel. For about two weeks, your group will decide where they want to go and what they want to see. You are given a budget to operate within, and are responsible for all logistical details. Your group leaders will be there to monitor and assist as needed, but essentially this is your opportunity to experience for yourself what it is like to plan and execute your own travel in the developing world. It will also give you the opportunity to experiment with ways to stretch your travel dollar safely and intelligently. End back in Delhi, planning to arrive approximately 1 1/2 days before your flight home. Spend the last days experiencing the markets, sights, and whatever else you feel you wish to accomplish before heading home with more stories than you dreamed possible.
So, there it is.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Is it dangerous to feel this good?
Am I tempting the fates here?
A complete 180 from last month, but I only continue to feel better and better. Tonight I feel downright ecstatic, not for any good reason, but there's movement coming in my life, and it's overdue. I'm psyched for my trip to India, and psyched for my trip to SF to fly out - not only will I visit schools (and all my visits are totally all confirmed and lined up), but I will stay with my friend Tracy, who is one of my favorite people ever, then stay with Elynn, one of my best Orcas friends who's moving south (who I just had the best evening with), then hopefully see my friend Kelly, and then see Luke C (BTW Luke if you read this, I think House will be on while I'm there in SF and OMG that'd be fun to watch together, I never get to watch with anyone who's super into it, so, let's make that happen) and Maryam. It's going to be a wild adventure before I even get on a plane!
Tonight, Elynn and I were playing with the love card and destiny card books, which are really fun to play with, and again it said I am going to have lots of unexpected money rolling in, and lots of love. I can dig it. It's unusual for these sorts of predictions to be so freakin' positive, but like I said in the last post, whatever positive power of suggestion that plants in my head, right on.
And I'm just feeling stellar about this college application stuff. I mean, I am just rocking it. It's a ton of paperwork, but shit, I'm just working my butt off and getting it all done and sent off, and it feels like it's starting to come together, getting those recommendation letters and transcripts. The financial aid stuff was the most daunting, it can feel overwhelming with all the forms, but I pretty much rocked those all in two days (not even full days). Now it's on to scholarship applications. There's still tons to do. I am leaving in less than three weeks, but it really does feel like it's all coming together! I'm psyched about that. I'm just feeling great.
On the other hand, I am having really freakin' bizarre dreams. Apparently my malaria meds for India can cause strange dreams, and I can only imagine, since they're already so weird (and currently really rich and vivid), once I start taking that stuff I'm going to feel like I'm on acid! Well, except I wouldn't really know.
The only thing I wonder is, with all this feeling awesome and hopeful and confident, am I tempting fate? The last time I felt this euphoric on life turned out to be the beginning of probably the most difficult year of my life, full of heartache and struggle and poverty and struggle, struggle, struggle. It was also at the start of adventure, much like now I am about to leave for India and embark on that journey as well as return to school. So it worries me a little. I want the euphoria to last, for things to pan out, to have shatteringly cool life-changing experiences in India. It was interesting, I went over to the big island for writing class today, and this writing teacher went to India four years ago (she was actually there during the tsunami, though not near that area), and I asked her, b/c I'm worried about the culture shock, which was harder, to get used to India, or to get re-adjusted to America after India? She chose the latter, and I would have put money down that she'd say that, which actually made me feel better about what I'm doing. It's going to be a huge adventure. And I do hope it turns my world upside down. I just hope it's not quite as challenging as the last time around when I chose adventure and really embodied The Fool in the tarot deck (which is a great card, but is also the start of the hero's journey, so to speak, and man it can be difficult). When I look back, that difficult time was so, so, so rich for me, in terms of growth, in terms of emotional richness, in terms of making me see my own strength in so many different situations, and in terms of feeling vibrantly alive.
But still, I'm worried about this euphoria. I don't want to crash. Funny how when things are good, it's like, oh don't get too happy, don't get your hopes up, it won't last, and it's hard to keep the same awareness of impermanence when things are all fucked up. In those dark places, it's easy to think I'll be there forever. So maybe I just want to ride the euphoria, enjoy it as long as it lasts, and realize that a lot of it comes from the fact that I've felt sort of stuck in my life here, much as I really do love the island, and that actually doing stuff to move things forward is making a huge difference. Taking action can be the best cure.
A friend today mentioned something about tipping points, how in any change there reaches a tipping point when you know the change will happen. In this case, she was talking about our local food bank (which she works with) moving buildings, saying that there's still some things to sort out, different ideas, but it's passed the tipping point, they know it will move (which is great, the way it is now, people have to wait in the freezing cold). I started thinking about how that applies to the story of my own life and reflecting on that. Because very few things are momentary decisions, and even the things that seem to be have usually built for a long time, perhaps burbling below the surface, before the actual change.
I've definitely passed the tipping point about leaving Orcas. That has definitely been brewing for a long, long time. I've thought about it off and on for years, especially starting in the summer of 2005, after I left camp for the first time, and more importantly, moved off the property. I loved that land so much, and the island wasn't the same for me once I lived somewhere else, and I knew it immediately and ever since. I've thought about going back to school for years too, and in many years, started applications, then got to a point where it just didn't feel right for one reason or another. I wasn't done here, I wasn't ready, I didn't totally have my heart in it, I couldn't get excited about it, I wanted to stay and save up money, and the like. A person has to be ready for the change to be right and meaningful, and now I feel like I am.
As for India, I don't know if there was a tipping point exactly, partly because I never fully believed it was real. I've been putting this together for probably close to five or six months now. I just did what I needed to apply, and then after I did, and got in, I sent in my deposit, but even then it didn't feel real. For the next two months, I was having serious second thoughts, to the point where I really thought I wouldn't go. Then one afternoon, I left to go to the post office, which is about a five minute walk each way. I had been checking my email all day, doing nothing, watching Grey's, and actually something on the show got me thinking (actually it was Meredith's shrink, hahahahaha) about being a quitter, b/c in some ways I feel I have been (in other ways maybe the extreme in the other direction), but then walking up to my apartment I said to myself, "I am not a quitter. I am not going to be a chicken. I am going to India." I opened my door, came inside and checked my email and that's when I found out about my scholarship, which just blew my mind. But it's interesting how those things happen, isn't it? I guess that speech to myself was my tipping point.
Which reminds me that a lot of times, a tipping point can be very subtle and internal. When I was living in Seattle and jobless and soon to be w/o a place to live (like in two days), it just was amazing the way that morning I made the decision that no matter what happened, I would not go home, no matter how dire my situation was, and within a few hours I had the job offer here on the island with the camp. I had been keeping a postcard of the camp in my room, afraid of how much I wanted the job, wanted to live in this beautiful place. All of this reminds me of that old famous quote:
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manor of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man would have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."
~W.H. Murray
I retrieved this quote from Derrick Jensen's Walking on Water: Reading, Writing and Revolution, which is one of my favorite books. He uses it at the beginning of chapter on falling in love with writing. This is a book I treasure and something I want to reread while in school, because it always reminds me to go to the root of what my passions are, dig deep, dig into what's terrifying, into what's real, into what's the questions, who are you? Who are you, really? What do you love? What do you want? There's also such a different approach to education in this book, an approach I feel that all the schools I'm looking at are (to varying degrees), in alignment.
Anyway the larger point was the tipping points of change in our lives, and beyond that The Fool, the archetype of the fool. It is not about some naive idiot as some seem to think. Instead it's about a wise innocence. A mix of the hope and excitement that comes from the start of new ventures, and the wisdom that comes from having gone through them before. Think of it like a cultivated childlike state of mind, where wonder and awe are alive, but there is still maturity and knowing. It's all about taking the leaps that our inner voices whisper about, leaping and waiting for the net to appear. I always think that in so many cases in my life, if I really had any idea what something would entail, I wouldn't start it. Reflecting back to any sort of innocence always chokes me up, it' so tender looking back on the self that just had no idea what she was in for. But it was also totally necessary for her not to know, b/c again, then it never would have happened.
Okay now I'm going to divert, because this totally reminds me of a moment in a book I read as a teenager, which was called The Starlight Crystal by Christopher Pike. I was a huge fan of his books, and would probably still love them if I re-read them as an adult. This one though, was difficult. I wasn't so sure about it the first time around. It later came to be one of my absolute favorites. Some of his books, though they're YA, just have soooo much depth to them. It was about this girl Paige. At the very beginning of the book, she comes out of the library and has a strange moment with this stranger, who she thinks for a moment might pull out a gun and kill her, but doesn't. Almost immediately following that, she meets and falls in love with this boy Tem. They have this beautiful once-in-a-lifetime connection but she has to leave on this spaceship (it takes place in the 23rd century) that is traveling at near the speed of light, which means she'll experience time dilation (I love a book that incorporates relativity), so while only a small amount of time will pass for her, centuries will pass on earth, meaning he'll be dead. So she's on the ship, and all these things happen, and it's been about ten years so my memory's a little blurry, but she is a teenager in love and grieving, and then a lot of other stuff happens, I believe she and the spaceship crew watch the earth die as well. And if I'm not mistaken, I think it's her father or someone else on the ship, actually maybe everyone else on the ship, also dies. I remember there's this great part where she's between the death of the universe and the birth of a new one, and I just remember that part being gorgeous, but painful. I mean our heroine here has experienced loss the scale of which we can't really imagine. And she watches things circle back around, till she arrives again in that place in the 23rd century outside the library. Except this time, she's the stranger, and she's looking at her younger self, the innocent self, that has no idea she's about to meet Tem or the loss she's about to suffer, and she is thinking of pulling out a gun, sparing her younger self that pain. But she doesn't do it, she can't.
There's a lot more to the book, I'd even say it's got spiritual undertones, and it's really gorgeous in a melancholy way, but the point is, whenever I think of myself in a time of innocence, of not knowing what I was in for, and there are many, I get that feeling like the stranger outside the library in a way, like if I could go back and talk to myself before I moved to Seattle, before I first left for college, before, before, before, what might I say? Probably nothing. I just have to have a tenderness towards that sort of not-knowing, that Fool quality, wise yet so innocent, because without it, no great journeys would ever happen, and every journey in some way is a hero's journey. And in the end, I don't really regret them. Even the really hard ones. Even the ones I probably should regret a little. I can't, because the journey always has some value in itself. We each have several in our lives, I believe. And I think the key is to just be open to it, to realize you really can't prepare yourself, you just can't. That's what I came to today about India. My writing teacher Janet was showing me pictures from her trip. I was hoping to ready myself, to somehow brace myself against the culture shock I'll feel (come on I've never left the US except for brief visits to Canada, that if you ask me, don't really count), and I felt like as we looked through these pictures, we both realized there was no way for me to really do that, and in a way it might even be better not to, to just be open. And scared too, I can't help that. But also to embrace the Fool archetype energy, and leap.
So, be the fool. Have the grace to be a beginner. Cross those tipping points. Go for what has passion and meaning and juice - that's what I always focus on in writing critiques, which at least one of my readers can testify to, I'm always wanting the writing to go deeper, to find that lightning electricity, find what is really alive. Be bold, with all its genius and power and magic. Err on the side of audacity, because even when those journeys lead to the darkest depths, I think they also give us the most riches. And it's pretty much always worth it.
I did not expect to end up here at all in this post. I didn't expect to talk about the fool, and definitely not about a Christopher Pike book. But that's the other thing about starting things, and leaving yourself open, you end up in unexpected places.
Currently Listening:
"Alive" - Jeff Buckley - His voice is sooooo good on this song, and I can't stop playing it to death. It's a live track, and in the beginning, he talks about how 96 is going to be a great year, how we'll have Newt Gingrich's head on a plate and put the fear of God into Bob Dole. And then he says, "Freaks of America unite." Sweet. I must play this a hundred times a week, it's pretty poignant. Here are the words:
I feel the time is coming
I walk into the night
Oh, I don't mind if the clock is turning
Cuz I'm going to the other side
You either die or you keep on burning alive
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
I walked a long, long distance
I'm feeling sore inside
Oh, I don't care if the sky is falling
Cuz I'll never get to see the light
You either die or you keep on burning alive
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
You either die or you keep on burning alive
A complete 180 from last month, but I only continue to feel better and better. Tonight I feel downright ecstatic, not for any good reason, but there's movement coming in my life, and it's overdue. I'm psyched for my trip to India, and psyched for my trip to SF to fly out - not only will I visit schools (and all my visits are totally all confirmed and lined up), but I will stay with my friend Tracy, who is one of my favorite people ever, then stay with Elynn, one of my best Orcas friends who's moving south (who I just had the best evening with), then hopefully see my friend Kelly, and then see Luke C (BTW Luke if you read this, I think House will be on while I'm there in SF and OMG that'd be fun to watch together, I never get to watch with anyone who's super into it, so, let's make that happen) and Maryam. It's going to be a wild adventure before I even get on a plane!
Tonight, Elynn and I were playing with the love card and destiny card books, which are really fun to play with, and again it said I am going to have lots of unexpected money rolling in, and lots of love. I can dig it. It's unusual for these sorts of predictions to be so freakin' positive, but like I said in the last post, whatever positive power of suggestion that plants in my head, right on.
And I'm just feeling stellar about this college application stuff. I mean, I am just rocking it. It's a ton of paperwork, but shit, I'm just working my butt off and getting it all done and sent off, and it feels like it's starting to come together, getting those recommendation letters and transcripts. The financial aid stuff was the most daunting, it can feel overwhelming with all the forms, but I pretty much rocked those all in two days (not even full days). Now it's on to scholarship applications. There's still tons to do. I am leaving in less than three weeks, but it really does feel like it's all coming together! I'm psyched about that. I'm just feeling great.
On the other hand, I am having really freakin' bizarre dreams. Apparently my malaria meds for India can cause strange dreams, and I can only imagine, since they're already so weird (and currently really rich and vivid), once I start taking that stuff I'm going to feel like I'm on acid! Well, except I wouldn't really know.
The only thing I wonder is, with all this feeling awesome and hopeful and confident, am I tempting fate? The last time I felt this euphoric on life turned out to be the beginning of probably the most difficult year of my life, full of heartache and struggle and poverty and struggle, struggle, struggle. It was also at the start of adventure, much like now I am about to leave for India and embark on that journey as well as return to school. So it worries me a little. I want the euphoria to last, for things to pan out, to have shatteringly cool life-changing experiences in India. It was interesting, I went over to the big island for writing class today, and this writing teacher went to India four years ago (she was actually there during the tsunami, though not near that area), and I asked her, b/c I'm worried about the culture shock, which was harder, to get used to India, or to get re-adjusted to America after India? She chose the latter, and I would have put money down that she'd say that, which actually made me feel better about what I'm doing. It's going to be a huge adventure. And I do hope it turns my world upside down. I just hope it's not quite as challenging as the last time around when I chose adventure and really embodied The Fool in the tarot deck (which is a great card, but is also the start of the hero's journey, so to speak, and man it can be difficult). When I look back, that difficult time was so, so, so rich for me, in terms of growth, in terms of emotional richness, in terms of making me see my own strength in so many different situations, and in terms of feeling vibrantly alive.
But still, I'm worried about this euphoria. I don't want to crash. Funny how when things are good, it's like, oh don't get too happy, don't get your hopes up, it won't last, and it's hard to keep the same awareness of impermanence when things are all fucked up. In those dark places, it's easy to think I'll be there forever. So maybe I just want to ride the euphoria, enjoy it as long as it lasts, and realize that a lot of it comes from the fact that I've felt sort of stuck in my life here, much as I really do love the island, and that actually doing stuff to move things forward is making a huge difference. Taking action can be the best cure.
A friend today mentioned something about tipping points, how in any change there reaches a tipping point when you know the change will happen. In this case, she was talking about our local food bank (which she works with) moving buildings, saying that there's still some things to sort out, different ideas, but it's passed the tipping point, they know it will move (which is great, the way it is now, people have to wait in the freezing cold). I started thinking about how that applies to the story of my own life and reflecting on that. Because very few things are momentary decisions, and even the things that seem to be have usually built for a long time, perhaps burbling below the surface, before the actual change.
I've definitely passed the tipping point about leaving Orcas. That has definitely been brewing for a long, long time. I've thought about it off and on for years, especially starting in the summer of 2005, after I left camp for the first time, and more importantly, moved off the property. I loved that land so much, and the island wasn't the same for me once I lived somewhere else, and I knew it immediately and ever since. I've thought about going back to school for years too, and in many years, started applications, then got to a point where it just didn't feel right for one reason or another. I wasn't done here, I wasn't ready, I didn't totally have my heart in it, I couldn't get excited about it, I wanted to stay and save up money, and the like. A person has to be ready for the change to be right and meaningful, and now I feel like I am.
As for India, I don't know if there was a tipping point exactly, partly because I never fully believed it was real. I've been putting this together for probably close to five or six months now. I just did what I needed to apply, and then after I did, and got in, I sent in my deposit, but even then it didn't feel real. For the next two months, I was having serious second thoughts, to the point where I really thought I wouldn't go. Then one afternoon, I left to go to the post office, which is about a five minute walk each way. I had been checking my email all day, doing nothing, watching Grey's, and actually something on the show got me thinking (actually it was Meredith's shrink, hahahahaha) about being a quitter, b/c in some ways I feel I have been (in other ways maybe the extreme in the other direction), but then walking up to my apartment I said to myself, "I am not a quitter. I am not going to be a chicken. I am going to India." I opened my door, came inside and checked my email and that's when I found out about my scholarship, which just blew my mind. But it's interesting how those things happen, isn't it? I guess that speech to myself was my tipping point.
Which reminds me that a lot of times, a tipping point can be very subtle and internal. When I was living in Seattle and jobless and soon to be w/o a place to live (like in two days), it just was amazing the way that morning I made the decision that no matter what happened, I would not go home, no matter how dire my situation was, and within a few hours I had the job offer here on the island with the camp. I had been keeping a postcard of the camp in my room, afraid of how much I wanted the job, wanted to live in this beautiful place. All of this reminds me of that old famous quote:
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manor of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man would have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."
~W.H. Murray
I retrieved this quote from Derrick Jensen's Walking on Water: Reading, Writing and Revolution, which is one of my favorite books. He uses it at the beginning of chapter on falling in love with writing. This is a book I treasure and something I want to reread while in school, because it always reminds me to go to the root of what my passions are, dig deep, dig into what's terrifying, into what's real, into what's the questions, who are you? Who are you, really? What do you love? What do you want? There's also such a different approach to education in this book, an approach I feel that all the schools I'm looking at are (to varying degrees), in alignment.
Anyway the larger point was the tipping points of change in our lives, and beyond that The Fool, the archetype of the fool. It is not about some naive idiot as some seem to think. Instead it's about a wise innocence. A mix of the hope and excitement that comes from the start of new ventures, and the wisdom that comes from having gone through them before. Think of it like a cultivated childlike state of mind, where wonder and awe are alive, but there is still maturity and knowing. It's all about taking the leaps that our inner voices whisper about, leaping and waiting for the net to appear. I always think that in so many cases in my life, if I really had any idea what something would entail, I wouldn't start it. Reflecting back to any sort of innocence always chokes me up, it' so tender looking back on the self that just had no idea what she was in for. But it was also totally necessary for her not to know, b/c again, then it never would have happened.
Okay now I'm going to divert, because this totally reminds me of a moment in a book I read as a teenager, which was called The Starlight Crystal by Christopher Pike. I was a huge fan of his books, and would probably still love them if I re-read them as an adult. This one though, was difficult. I wasn't so sure about it the first time around. It later came to be one of my absolute favorites. Some of his books, though they're YA, just have soooo much depth to them. It was about this girl Paige. At the very beginning of the book, she comes out of the library and has a strange moment with this stranger, who she thinks for a moment might pull out a gun and kill her, but doesn't. Almost immediately following that, she meets and falls in love with this boy Tem. They have this beautiful once-in-a-lifetime connection but she has to leave on this spaceship (it takes place in the 23rd century) that is traveling at near the speed of light, which means she'll experience time dilation (I love a book that incorporates relativity), so while only a small amount of time will pass for her, centuries will pass on earth, meaning he'll be dead. So she's on the ship, and all these things happen, and it's been about ten years so my memory's a little blurry, but she is a teenager in love and grieving, and then a lot of other stuff happens, I believe she and the spaceship crew watch the earth die as well. And if I'm not mistaken, I think it's her father or someone else on the ship, actually maybe everyone else on the ship, also dies. I remember there's this great part where she's between the death of the universe and the birth of a new one, and I just remember that part being gorgeous, but painful. I mean our heroine here has experienced loss the scale of which we can't really imagine. And she watches things circle back around, till she arrives again in that place in the 23rd century outside the library. Except this time, she's the stranger, and she's looking at her younger self, the innocent self, that has no idea she's about to meet Tem or the loss she's about to suffer, and she is thinking of pulling out a gun, sparing her younger self that pain. But she doesn't do it, she can't.
There's a lot more to the book, I'd even say it's got spiritual undertones, and it's really gorgeous in a melancholy way, but the point is, whenever I think of myself in a time of innocence, of not knowing what I was in for, and there are many, I get that feeling like the stranger outside the library in a way, like if I could go back and talk to myself before I moved to Seattle, before I first left for college, before, before, before, what might I say? Probably nothing. I just have to have a tenderness towards that sort of not-knowing, that Fool quality, wise yet so innocent, because without it, no great journeys would ever happen, and every journey in some way is a hero's journey. And in the end, I don't really regret them. Even the really hard ones. Even the ones I probably should regret a little. I can't, because the journey always has some value in itself. We each have several in our lives, I believe. And I think the key is to just be open to it, to realize you really can't prepare yourself, you just can't. That's what I came to today about India. My writing teacher Janet was showing me pictures from her trip. I was hoping to ready myself, to somehow brace myself against the culture shock I'll feel (come on I've never left the US except for brief visits to Canada, that if you ask me, don't really count), and I felt like as we looked through these pictures, we both realized there was no way for me to really do that, and in a way it might even be better not to, to just be open. And scared too, I can't help that. But also to embrace the Fool archetype energy, and leap.
So, be the fool. Have the grace to be a beginner. Cross those tipping points. Go for what has passion and meaning and juice - that's what I always focus on in writing critiques, which at least one of my readers can testify to, I'm always wanting the writing to go deeper, to find that lightning electricity, find what is really alive. Be bold, with all its genius and power and magic. Err on the side of audacity, because even when those journeys lead to the darkest depths, I think they also give us the most riches. And it's pretty much always worth it.
I did not expect to end up here at all in this post. I didn't expect to talk about the fool, and definitely not about a Christopher Pike book. But that's the other thing about starting things, and leaving yourself open, you end up in unexpected places.
Currently Listening:
"Alive" - Jeff Buckley - His voice is sooooo good on this song, and I can't stop playing it to death. It's a live track, and in the beginning, he talks about how 96 is going to be a great year, how we'll have Newt Gingrich's head on a plate and put the fear of God into Bob Dole. And then he says, "Freaks of America unite." Sweet. I must play this a hundred times a week, it's pretty poignant. Here are the words:
I feel the time is coming
I walk into the night
Oh, I don't mind if the clock is turning
Cuz I'm going to the other side
You either die or you keep on burning alive
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
I walked a long, long distance
I'm feeling sore inside
Oh, I don't care if the sky is falling
Cuz I'll never get to see the light
You either die or you keep on burning alive
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
You either die or you keep on burning alive
Friday, January 9, 2009
Begin the Begin
So, it's 2009, and I've gotta say I'm pretty glad. I put some stock into the theory of the numerological year, that we go through these nine-year cycles. At least, I've found my years to fit this pattern pretty consistently. Last year I was in a 7 year - the lowest energy in the cycle, and have now entered the 8 year. A numerologist once told a friend of mine, when she was entering her 8 year, that she'd feel like she'd "been shot out of a cannon!" It's supposed to be the highest energy year, and very auspicious for success. As if that wasn't enough positive power of suggestion right there, all the astrology books point to this being a great year for Aquarians. Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion, has entered my sign, suggesting a golden year. I'm surely ready for that.
And the thing is, I feel it. I definitely feel the energy shift. I mean I sort of do feel shot out of a cannon. I was totally in the dumps all through December, and worse after Xmas, but then in the week leading up to New Year's, something just changed, and I'm not going to question it one bit. I'm all about riding the wave.
So, as for India, I got my ass in gear about that, and I'm definitely going. It's so funny how once I started, everything sort of fell into place. I have my plane ticket. I finished all my vaccinations yesterday, which I'm still in some pretty serious burning and intense muscle pain from, fuck. I got permission to be gone from my apartment for longer than my lease allows, so I'm squared away there. I got someone to check in on my place and take care of my mail while I'm gone. I found out I could set up automatic bill pay to take care of most of my recurring financial concerns. I sent off my India Visa application today. Not to jinx anything, but a lot of loose ends that just two weeks ago seemed enormously overwhelming and impossible, are, well, pretty close to taken care of.
And as for college, I'm kicking even more ass on that front. I don't know if it was that last post (which I did take down, for my own reasons) or what, but I decided it was worth honoring the fact that I have real concerns about whether I'll like living in Bellingham. I can't shake the feeling that it's just too similar to where I live now, and Orcas is a place that I have loved, that my life wouldn't be the same without, a place that has been very close to my heart, in some ways more than any other place I've lived, but I've stayed too long and it's at the point where I feel so claustrophobic and caged living here that it's hard to remember that I have loved this place. And for whatever reason, Bellingham just doesn't feel different enough - it's a pretty small town, and I have this feeling that I might still feel a bit caged and cut off there too. And I don't really know how to put this into words, b/c I honestly do like Bellingham, but it doesn't feel all that alive to me, or that diverse, and I'm afraid I won't find people to hang with, that I'll be real lonely. A friend who went to school there as an older student (she was 24 I think, so older than a lot of undergrads but still younger than I am) said she had a hard time with that. I have this feeling like I'd drown in bluegrass music while craving rock. I could be totally off-base with this feeling, and it could stem from being so past done with living on Orcas (and hearing so many people say how comparable the two places are), but I do feel it's at least worth honoring that feeling enough to explore other options.
I still love Fairhaven and their program, all the classes they offer, the alternative, interdisciplinary structure, the exchanges they have with other schools, and something called the Adventure Learning Grant, which is another awesome study abroad opportunity. I get excited reading the course descriptions, so it's still on the table big-time. I'm also hoping to visit Bellingham again, sometime this month, to get more of a feel for it. I've been there a few times, but it's usually been pretty brief, and another visit couldn't hurt.
I just feel so much better that I've decided to consider other options. I had the best freaking time last year when I visited Emerson, and so I decided to go ahead and apply there, as well as another school in Boston. The cool thing is that they are part of the same consortium exchange thing, where students at one can take classes at the other, which makes me feel better, because there are things I like about both, and it widens the possibilities for classes to take.
Another place I'm looking at is Portland. I've loved that place every time I've been there, and of all the places I'm considering, I've visited there the most, which actually isn't saying all that much. And lately I keep hearing what an awesome literary scene they've got going on there. To me it feels vibrant and alive. They've got some great schools that are totally up on the interdisciplinary studies deal like Fairhaven is, and have some really strong writing programs to boot. I can't even count how many times I hear that Bellingham is Portland-lite, similar in some ways, but lacking in others, and without the same sort of diversity and vibrance, and it's like, why go lite without at least considering the real deal? So I'm looking into two schools there.
And then there's Olympia, which is also on the smaller side, but I figure it's good to have another in-state WA choice in mind, and Evergreen has got to be one of the most interdisciplinary schools out there. I visited once, almost five years ago, and it was pretty cool. I like that they really have a holistic approach to any subject, and they have some programs that look awesome, and one includes a trip to Egypt, which of course caught my eye. I also read that the whole school is completely energy-efficient, which is way cool.
All in all, I'm considering six schools, and let me just say, just the idea of considering more places than just Fairhaven has me feeling tremendously better. I thought that being set on Fairhaven was good for peace of mind, in the way that it left no uncertainty, it was settled, but I think that that settling wasn't quite honest with myself. I could easily end up choosing that school, and I could just as easily choose somewhere else. The point is, it's like a huge gust of fresh air to my spirit, the fact that it's more open now. In the end it'll come down to where I get accepted, what my financial aid packages look like, scholarships, where my credits transfer, and where each college ranks on my own personal preference list (which is TBD as of now, pending more visits to the ones I can visit before I leave).
In the last week, I've rocked my applications to all six - the apps are all in, the transcripts and recommendations are requested, forms are faxed, and many essays are written. I just have one supplemental essay left to write. One school also required a graded paper, and the coolest thing is, I checked with admissions, and I get to use a writing piece that was workshopped at the Orcas Island Writers Festival! I figured it would count, because the workshop leader who evaluated it (they wanted a paper with instructor's comments on it) usually teaches grad students, and that just had to count for something, and it did. I'm psyched, because I think it's a good piece, and the comments on there are great and extremely thorough, with a balance of praise and suggestions for improvement.
For some of this stuff, I've had to dig through the bowels of my memory to contact former teachers and advisors. In one case there was someone I had to find, and I could only remember the first name (I mean, it's been like, nine years here), and they didn't even work at the school I used to go to anymore, so, google has been my friend in finding old profs and the like to fill out forms. It was kind of cool, searching that stuff out. I found that one of my favorite professors, who I had in my first semester of college for intro astronomy, is getting all these grants for really cool studies (that honestly I don't entirely understand exactly what these studies are). It's just cool because that was one of the best classes I ever took, it really got me excited about learning, and that's the best feeling (and can be rare sometimes) to have in school, so it was just nice to see successes for that prof.
So yes, I am kicking ass on these applications. By Sunday I should be done with that one last essay (if not tomorrow), and then I move on to doing everything I can to apply for scholarships, and then financial aid. It's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. I've sort of thought of the fact that I don't have New Year's resolutions, but very ambitious January goals. If all goes as planned, I'll be leaving Orcas on Feb 2nd. I'm trying to set myself a schedule in the meantime, since I'm currently unemployed, to work at this stuff 8 hours a day, more or less, because there's so much and so little time, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far.
And then I get to unwind with Grey's, which I think I become more obsessed with every time I watch it, I see more layers. It's not quite the same sort of intellectual stimulation as House is with all its mysteries, but it's not exactly lacking in that either, and it has emotional drama that sometimes I think is a bit absent in House.
There are some things that I think the writers of Grey's do really well, and one thing I noticed immediately is that every character is likable, even the ones you hate at first. Alex (my personal favorite of the dudes) is an ass in season 1 (didn't really like him at all then), but you very quickly get to see the other sides of him. I love him and Izzie together. Another example, probably the most obvious, is Addison. You want to hate her, because she comes in takes Derek away from Meredith, but even in the very next episode when they work together and Addison defends Meredith, well that's big, and the more she becomes a regular character, the more you sympathize with her and like her. And she's one of the wittiest. I think the same is true with Mark. He sort of comes in as a sort of bad guy, the manwhore, the guy who Addison cheated on Derek with, the guy who totally harasses interns, but before long, you see other sides of him too. And then the same is true of Lexie, Hahn, Rose, Sadie. What I'm saying is, every single character is complex, with different sides and ultimately in some way, very likable, and not in a love to hate way, but in a really likable human way. That's sort of unique in TV.
I feel a little ridiculous, but I so love this show, love the character development. And, like with all shows I like (though I do have to say that I think character development, speaking for the cast as a whole and not just main character, is much better in The Office and Grey's than in House) I get very curious about the writing, like how do they do it? Each character's story slowly builds, and they intertwine in these amazing ways. It just intrigues me as a writer, b/c it boggles my mind a little, how much it seems everything comes together seamlessly to create this great and complex story, how some things build and build and build for episodes, and just how it all comes together. I love listening to the commentaries too because it gives me even more insight, and intricacies and layers I might not have noticed.
I also LOVE that the episodes are named after songs, and I think that's pretty much without exception (there's some question about "The Self-Destruct Button" but still). I didn't think they all were, I was like, there's no way there's actually a song called "The Deterioration of the Flight or Fight Response" but there is, by Flaming Lips. I am just waiting for an episode to be named after a TOOL song, that'll be the day. I think it's possible. My world will be complete. Tori, Fiona, Soundgarden, Jeff Buckley and some others would be cool to see as episode titles too, but one named after a Tool song would just rock my world.
Well, not really, but if everything goes as swimmingly this year as my astrology suggests, and I'm swimming in unexpected fortunes and soulmates and financial windfalls and being showered with luck (obviously exaggerating here) that would just be the icing on a great 2009, lol.
Currently Reading:
"Musicophilia" - Oliver Sachs - this book is great. I mean how could I not love it, when it's about music, and about really obscure medical (mostly brain) stuff? Music and seizures, musical hallucinations, music's affect on all kinds of disorders. Ahhhh I love it.
Currently Listening:
"Cannonball" - Damien Rice - an old favorite. I have a strange relationship with this song. I love it, yet there was always a bugging quality about it, it just felt too catchy and generic, in music and lyrics and that always bothered me, but then the last time he gets to the chorus, he changes up the words, so among these lines like "Life taught me to die/Love taught me to lie..." which just doesn't have a real spark to it, he almost yells, "Come on courage, teach me to be shy," and that kinda stops me, like, what exactly does that mean? I like it, it's unusual, and he sings it with more feeling. So for me, that line makes the song.
And the thing is, I feel it. I definitely feel the energy shift. I mean I sort of do feel shot out of a cannon. I was totally in the dumps all through December, and worse after Xmas, but then in the week leading up to New Year's, something just changed, and I'm not going to question it one bit. I'm all about riding the wave.
So, as for India, I got my ass in gear about that, and I'm definitely going. It's so funny how once I started, everything sort of fell into place. I have my plane ticket. I finished all my vaccinations yesterday, which I'm still in some pretty serious burning and intense muscle pain from, fuck. I got permission to be gone from my apartment for longer than my lease allows, so I'm squared away there. I got someone to check in on my place and take care of my mail while I'm gone. I found out I could set up automatic bill pay to take care of most of my recurring financial concerns. I sent off my India Visa application today. Not to jinx anything, but a lot of loose ends that just two weeks ago seemed enormously overwhelming and impossible, are, well, pretty close to taken care of.
And as for college, I'm kicking even more ass on that front. I don't know if it was that last post (which I did take down, for my own reasons) or what, but I decided it was worth honoring the fact that I have real concerns about whether I'll like living in Bellingham. I can't shake the feeling that it's just too similar to where I live now, and Orcas is a place that I have loved, that my life wouldn't be the same without, a place that has been very close to my heart, in some ways more than any other place I've lived, but I've stayed too long and it's at the point where I feel so claustrophobic and caged living here that it's hard to remember that I have loved this place. And for whatever reason, Bellingham just doesn't feel different enough - it's a pretty small town, and I have this feeling that I might still feel a bit caged and cut off there too. And I don't really know how to put this into words, b/c I honestly do like Bellingham, but it doesn't feel all that alive to me, or that diverse, and I'm afraid I won't find people to hang with, that I'll be real lonely. A friend who went to school there as an older student (she was 24 I think, so older than a lot of undergrads but still younger than I am) said she had a hard time with that. I have this feeling like I'd drown in bluegrass music while craving rock. I could be totally off-base with this feeling, and it could stem from being so past done with living on Orcas (and hearing so many people say how comparable the two places are), but I do feel it's at least worth honoring that feeling enough to explore other options.
I still love Fairhaven and their program, all the classes they offer, the alternative, interdisciplinary structure, the exchanges they have with other schools, and something called the Adventure Learning Grant, which is another awesome study abroad opportunity. I get excited reading the course descriptions, so it's still on the table big-time. I'm also hoping to visit Bellingham again, sometime this month, to get more of a feel for it. I've been there a few times, but it's usually been pretty brief, and another visit couldn't hurt.
I just feel so much better that I've decided to consider other options. I had the best freaking time last year when I visited Emerson, and so I decided to go ahead and apply there, as well as another school in Boston. The cool thing is that they are part of the same consortium exchange thing, where students at one can take classes at the other, which makes me feel better, because there are things I like about both, and it widens the possibilities for classes to take.
Another place I'm looking at is Portland. I've loved that place every time I've been there, and of all the places I'm considering, I've visited there the most, which actually isn't saying all that much. And lately I keep hearing what an awesome literary scene they've got going on there. To me it feels vibrant and alive. They've got some great schools that are totally up on the interdisciplinary studies deal like Fairhaven is, and have some really strong writing programs to boot. I can't even count how many times I hear that Bellingham is Portland-lite, similar in some ways, but lacking in others, and without the same sort of diversity and vibrance, and it's like, why go lite without at least considering the real deal? So I'm looking into two schools there.
And then there's Olympia, which is also on the smaller side, but I figure it's good to have another in-state WA choice in mind, and Evergreen has got to be one of the most interdisciplinary schools out there. I visited once, almost five years ago, and it was pretty cool. I like that they really have a holistic approach to any subject, and they have some programs that look awesome, and one includes a trip to Egypt, which of course caught my eye. I also read that the whole school is completely energy-efficient, which is way cool.
All in all, I'm considering six schools, and let me just say, just the idea of considering more places than just Fairhaven has me feeling tremendously better. I thought that being set on Fairhaven was good for peace of mind, in the way that it left no uncertainty, it was settled, but I think that that settling wasn't quite honest with myself. I could easily end up choosing that school, and I could just as easily choose somewhere else. The point is, it's like a huge gust of fresh air to my spirit, the fact that it's more open now. In the end it'll come down to where I get accepted, what my financial aid packages look like, scholarships, where my credits transfer, and where each college ranks on my own personal preference list (which is TBD as of now, pending more visits to the ones I can visit before I leave).
In the last week, I've rocked my applications to all six - the apps are all in, the transcripts and recommendations are requested, forms are faxed, and many essays are written. I just have one supplemental essay left to write. One school also required a graded paper, and the coolest thing is, I checked with admissions, and I get to use a writing piece that was workshopped at the Orcas Island Writers Festival! I figured it would count, because the workshop leader who evaluated it (they wanted a paper with instructor's comments on it) usually teaches grad students, and that just had to count for something, and it did. I'm psyched, because I think it's a good piece, and the comments on there are great and extremely thorough, with a balance of praise and suggestions for improvement.
For some of this stuff, I've had to dig through the bowels of my memory to contact former teachers and advisors. In one case there was someone I had to find, and I could only remember the first name (I mean, it's been like, nine years here), and they didn't even work at the school I used to go to anymore, so, google has been my friend in finding old profs and the like to fill out forms. It was kind of cool, searching that stuff out. I found that one of my favorite professors, who I had in my first semester of college for intro astronomy, is getting all these grants for really cool studies (that honestly I don't entirely understand exactly what these studies are). It's just cool because that was one of the best classes I ever took, it really got me excited about learning, and that's the best feeling (and can be rare sometimes) to have in school, so it was just nice to see successes for that prof.
So yes, I am kicking ass on these applications. By Sunday I should be done with that one last essay (if not tomorrow), and then I move on to doing everything I can to apply for scholarships, and then financial aid. It's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. I've sort of thought of the fact that I don't have New Year's resolutions, but very ambitious January goals. If all goes as planned, I'll be leaving Orcas on Feb 2nd. I'm trying to set myself a schedule in the meantime, since I'm currently unemployed, to work at this stuff 8 hours a day, more or less, because there's so much and so little time, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far.
And then I get to unwind with Grey's, which I think I become more obsessed with every time I watch it, I see more layers. It's not quite the same sort of intellectual stimulation as House is with all its mysteries, but it's not exactly lacking in that either, and it has emotional drama that sometimes I think is a bit absent in House.
There are some things that I think the writers of Grey's do really well, and one thing I noticed immediately is that every character is likable, even the ones you hate at first. Alex (my personal favorite of the dudes) is an ass in season 1 (didn't really like him at all then), but you very quickly get to see the other sides of him. I love him and Izzie together. Another example, probably the most obvious, is Addison. You want to hate her, because she comes in takes Derek away from Meredith, but even in the very next episode when they work together and Addison defends Meredith, well that's big, and the more she becomes a regular character, the more you sympathize with her and like her. And she's one of the wittiest. I think the same is true with Mark. He sort of comes in as a sort of bad guy, the manwhore, the guy who Addison cheated on Derek with, the guy who totally harasses interns, but before long, you see other sides of him too. And then the same is true of Lexie, Hahn, Rose, Sadie. What I'm saying is, every single character is complex, with different sides and ultimately in some way, very likable, and not in a love to hate way, but in a really likable human way. That's sort of unique in TV.
I feel a little ridiculous, but I so love this show, love the character development. And, like with all shows I like (though I do have to say that I think character development, speaking for the cast as a whole and not just main character, is much better in The Office and Grey's than in House) I get very curious about the writing, like how do they do it? Each character's story slowly builds, and they intertwine in these amazing ways. It just intrigues me as a writer, b/c it boggles my mind a little, how much it seems everything comes together seamlessly to create this great and complex story, how some things build and build and build for episodes, and just how it all comes together. I love listening to the commentaries too because it gives me even more insight, and intricacies and layers I might not have noticed.
I also LOVE that the episodes are named after songs, and I think that's pretty much without exception (there's some question about "The Self-Destruct Button" but still). I didn't think they all were, I was like, there's no way there's actually a song called "The Deterioration of the Flight or Fight Response" but there is, by Flaming Lips. I am just waiting for an episode to be named after a TOOL song, that'll be the day. I think it's possible. My world will be complete. Tori, Fiona, Soundgarden, Jeff Buckley and some others would be cool to see as episode titles too, but one named after a Tool song would just rock my world.
Well, not really, but if everything goes as swimmingly this year as my astrology suggests, and I'm swimming in unexpected fortunes and soulmates and financial windfalls and being showered with luck (obviously exaggerating here) that would just be the icing on a great 2009, lol.
Currently Reading:
"Musicophilia" - Oliver Sachs - this book is great. I mean how could I not love it, when it's about music, and about really obscure medical (mostly brain) stuff? Music and seizures, musical hallucinations, music's affect on all kinds of disorders. Ahhhh I love it.
Currently Listening:
"Cannonball" - Damien Rice - an old favorite. I have a strange relationship with this song. I love it, yet there was always a bugging quality about it, it just felt too catchy and generic, in music and lyrics and that always bothered me, but then the last time he gets to the chorus, he changes up the words, so among these lines like "Life taught me to die/Love taught me to lie..." which just doesn't have a real spark to it, he almost yells, "Come on courage, teach me to be shy," and that kinda stops me, like, what exactly does that mean? I like it, it's unusual, and he sings it with more feeling. So for me, that line makes the song.
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