Moving Right Along

Tomorrow will mark two weeks after my return from India, and it feels like life is moving pretty quickly and changes are happening fast.

I made a decision about which college to go to pretty quickly after returning home, and I think in many ways, I had already made the decision, deep down, beforehand. I'm going to Portland State, which is the same school that my India program went through, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm still a little sad that some of my top choice schools didn't work out, though I'm also seeing it in some ways as what Julia Cameron would call "Gain disguised as loss," because the more I move forward in this process, the more right PSU feels, so there's also a part of me that's glad some of the other schools didn't work out.

PSU is going to be a great place for me to explore all kinds of different academic interests, they offer so many classes and subjects it kind of boggles the mind. And that's good because I have an ongoing issue about being interested in too many things at once and wanting a really diverse schedule that feeds my left and right brain at the same time. Pouring over the class schedule for the last ten days or so made me feel like a kid at Christmas, like, oooh I could take this class, and that class, and oh boy! And PSU is known for having a lot of older students, so that's cool for me, being in classes and organizations and campus housing with people in my same age range. And they have a great disabilities department, and it seems like a lot of other students with disabilities, and a separate disabilities advocacy organization on campus, so it feels like there'll be lots of support. Oh yeah, and when I was visiting, I saw lots of hot boys on campus, that's always a plus.

I'm super excited about all of it. I've wanted to live in Portland for years. I remember the first time I went there, during spring break of my second year of college, and the first morning I was there, sitting in a cafe with my friend Kelly and a few other women, just soaking it up and feeling so strongly that I wanted to live there. That was over 8 years ago! And my good friend Elynn who used to live around the corner from me here on Orcas, who I miss terribly, is there. I've moved a fair number of times in my life, and I have to say it is comforting to know I'll have Kelly and Elynn as two really close friends in a new locale. I also have a few contacts to hopefully set up some tarot reading stuff down there, and also a few contacts to get involved in the literary world of Portland.

I applied for campus housing, which I was NOT going to do - I'm way too old to live in a dorm, and I wasn't crazy about it when I was the right age - but it turns out that PSU's on-campus housing includes a lot of buildings with studio apartments and the like. See, that's what I'm talking about, the benefits of having lots of older students around. So, the price was decent and location is great, and so I applied and put in my deposit, should be finding out which building I'm in fairly soon I hope. I'll be moving in mid-September, so trying to soak up the joys of having a one bedroom apartment with a back patio that overlooks woods for the rest of my time here. I will have to downsize for the move, and I'm sort of looking forward to that too. Already going through my apartment thinking what I want to keep or not. India was good preparation for that in a way, I mean, I lived out of a pack for three months, I stayed with a family of seven who lived in a house that was the size of my living room/kitchen (aka not very big), and these things make you think about what is or isn't necessary. It just helps in terms of shedding what's not needed.

So, for those on Orcas, I am sure there will be some sort of yard sale outside my place at some point this summer. Get ready.

This morning I registered for classes, and so now that that went through it feels really, truly official that I'm going there. I was so sure something would go wrong in terms of signing up, I just thought Murphy's Law would be in effect, but no, I got every class I wanted at every time I wanted, so I got my ideal schedule. It's still subject to change up until the beginning of the quarter, but for now it's set exactly as I wanted it. I planned it out over a week ago, taking a lot of time to examine different class choices, how they'd fit together, and how the profs rated at those sites to review professors. And that last one was a good thing, I was going to take a writing class with someone b/c she's an author I like (the particular subject was not so thrilling, kinda something I have already taken), but the reviews were pretty much across the board not that flattering, putting it tactfully, so I decided to go with something else.

I am just so psyched for my schedule though it is not going to be an easy courseload (which honestly is a big part of the reason I'm psyched, I've been craving intellectual stimulation). I'm taking two science classes - bio and chem - as I still haven't fully given up the idea of doing a double major in something sciency, and I have my basic Physics credits and then some done already (and none in the others), so that alone is going to be intense, and awesome b/c it's that part of my brain that has been more deprived these last few years. I'm of course taking some writing credits, in scriptwriting actually. I was going to do non-fiction and probably will at some point, but I was just a lot more excited about the scriptwriting class, and it's totally undiscovered territory so it'll be challenging and engaging. And the last class I'm taking may be surprising, I'm taking Arabic. I've always been interested in learning it (still want to go to egypt someday), and I've never taken any college level foreign language courses, and taking Hindi classes in India gave me a boost of confidence as far as studying a language that is more different from English than something like French, which I took in high school. Sooooo, those are my four main classes. It's not going to be an easy semester, but the truth is I wanted a difficult courseload, b/c I know myself and without that I will get bored and feel like I'm not being challenged and whenever school is too easy I start slacking off. So I feel like my schedule has the diversity in subject that I crave, and a difficulty level that will be just right.

Oh I'm also taking piano (for beginners) as a two-credit class in the mornings, which should add some extra fun and creativity to my days. I've been wanting to teach myself for so long, but I don't do all that well with it being completely unstructured, I just end up never doing it, so the class should be good to cure that.

So, all around, I'm excited to make the transition to go back to school. September can't come fast enough, though I am actually glad to have the time to make the transition over time.

In my last post I said I would not go back to my old job. That did not last. The reality is that even with financial aid, and with the fact that I'm feeling good financially right now (I only spent $250 the entire time I was in India, so it feels like I saved money), going to school and moving are expensive things and it just can't hurt to have the income. And I'll be here for four months, so I decided to go back, but only four days a week, and on morning shift, which means that I will have to leave my place at 5:15! That is going to be rough, but I'll be done at 2 and have the whole day ahead of me. Though I am not crazy about the job and though I hear things are not good over there, everyone is really happy to have me back, and I'm actually surprising even myself by feeling pretty positive about it. Camp is just so beautiful (on almost 300 acres of gorgeous woodsy forests, fields, waterfront) and I feel such a strong spiritual connection to the land there, that I'm looking forward to the long walk in the early morning. Okay I might regret saying that tomorrow when it's really fucking early, but I bet I'll get used to it fairly quickly. I'm also thinking some days instead of coming home right away, I'll wander around some of the less traveled paths in the backwoods of the camp and really love up my last summer here. So, we'll see how it goes when I'm actually there, but for now I'm thinking positive.

So, all in all, things feel like they're moving right along.


Currently Listening:
"Fidelity" - Regina Spektor - this may possibly be the song I listened to most in India, b/c it was on two people's iPod type things. I haven't listened to much of her other stuff, but this song is constantly stuck in my head. And yes, it's in an episode of Grey's (do I even need to say that anymore? I'm such an addict).

Fidelity

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

Stressed Out in McLeod Ganj

Hey everyone, how's it going out there???

Well, after Deer Park we took a taxi to McLeod Ganj, right by Dharamsala, which I touched on a little bit in the last post. A lot of people in my group are loving it and loving the homestays, I am definitely not. It's just stress central on soooo many levels. I decided not to stay on longer - for a lot of reasons, and so I'll be going home on the regularly scheduled group flight, which should be fun. It's kind of a bummer not to be staying but I am also so ready to be home, to not be around zillions of people all the time (that's one of the things that bugs me most about the homestays, barely a moment of privacy or time to myself at all, ever, it's making me crazy), and to chill out.

And then there is the college deal - I've heard from and been accepted at all the schools I applied to, except there is one more I have yet to hear from, and they all want deposits in like, ten days. YIKES! There are a lot of things complicating that, like one school hasn't told me if I got into my program (and that is really the only reason I want to go there, it'd be a definite deal-breaker), and I'm having a lot of trouble accessing financial aid package info from all of them. That is obviously a key factor in my decision and so I've just been spending hours each day emailing with schools and trying to see how I can get my fin aid info, but a lot of it is leading to dead ends and is just super frustrating. I feel like so much of my time and my energy this past month has been geared towards trying to figure this all out and work something out before these deposits are due, and it's just been an endless ring fo frustration that feels like it is really detracting, more and more, from my time here in India, and is a big part of why I decided not to stay longer. I don't want to lose my spot at any of these schools and it is hard to do any sort of ranking (like say, mail in deposits to a few top choices) b/c I just have no idea what the aid looks like! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It makes me want to scream most days.

It sucks too b/c I worked my ass off so hard to get everything done before I left, get every freakin' form and piece of paperwork done. Tons of forms and photocopies and scholarship applications and essays, so I guess it feels like I worked like hell to get all my ducks in a row so I wouldn't have to worry about this in India, and now it's like I'm spending hours every day in front of a computer screen, trying to find ways to access info and running in circles! I am goign to ask the schools for an extension so I can look at everything once I get home, and call during normal hours and all of that, so we'll see how that goes!

Updates of a MOre Personal Nature

All right, trying to give some drive by updates of my own, as quickly as possible, b/c time is soooo of the essence, as always.

First off, I found out yesterday that I got into two colleges - Western Washington University (Fairhaven College), and Suffolk University. Woo hoo! I'm only waiting to hear from two more schools, Reed and Emerson, and then it'll be decision making time. So that was pretty exciting.

Let's see what else? I got a tattoo in Calcutta, can't wait to show people at home. Was listening to some Greyl's music as I got it done. It really barely hurt, nothing at all like my first one.

GOt a major haircut in Calcutta as well, by WIlla Rose from my group, on the rooftop of the monastery where we stayed. IT was at a very spiritually poignant moment and felt really symbolic. THen my hair got colored pink during HOli, which is written about in a few of the group blog posts, and I can't get it out, it's still BRIGBHT pink, and yesterday I got another haircut, so I'm rockin' the short look. I'm happy to be going through so many physical changes b/c it feels like I'm going through so many internal changes.

Spent the last two weeks in Sikkim, a state in NOrthern INdia, in the HImalayas, at an awesome group homestay (and had my own room the whole time, which I couldn't be happier about), with great food. We also volunteered at a micro hydro-electric project, which I had some major, major moral concerns about, was wondering how I"d sleep at night b/c of environmental impact, but it was actually a cool experience, and had very, very minimal impact (I honestly would have refused to do it otherwise) and got to know a distant village. Then we went on a Himalayan Trek, which I thought was fucking awesome. IT was difficult, esp. for me, I was the slowest, hiking down narrow trails on the sides of cliffs at high elevation, in pouring rain and thunderstorms. It felt awesome at the end of it all!

Anyway, wrapping things up here tonight, cooking for our homestay family, and tomorrow we are taking off for Darjeeling!

And now from San Francisco

Hell yeah, so much has happened in the last week, I don't even know where to start.

My visit to Evergreen left me feeling mixed about the school. It's a definite possibility, but not a first choice. As with just about every school, there are pluses and minuses. I'm trying to take all of that into account with each school. And I'm still not sure I'm crazy about Olympia, but I did eat some of the best thai food ever there, a green curry dish with avocado, which was so delicious, but not enough to totally make me want to move there, I mean, there are other factors, lol.

THe next stop was Portland, which was OMG, a nonstop blast from the moment I got there to the moment I left. One of my best best friends from Orcas, Elynn, just moved there, and it was so great to see her, as well as my friend Kelly who I haven't seen since I went to Coachella in 2006. It was cool to bring friends together from different places. We went out to this totally cool place called THe Sapphire Hotel (which used to be a brothel, lol) for dinner, and had a blast. The next night I went to happy hour with Kelly and one of her friends and had another blast of an evening. The next night I met with the people who run the India program. WE've been in email communication since about July, so it was great to meet them. We went out to Thai food (second time in one week, god I love Thai food), and again, it was a total blast. On the way to drop me off back at Elynn's, they stopped at the training place so I could meet my trip leaders.

ANd here's where things get trippy. I have two trip leaders for India. THe trip leaders and participants are from all over the place, and somehow in a completely mind-blowing "small world" moment, one of my trip leaders already knows me. He used to work at camp, and for anyone from Orkila who follows my blog, his name is Andrew Bruck, and he worked with a bunc of people I know. I don't remember ever meeting him before, but it often happens that people I don't know, know me. I'm pretty recognizable. That was a cool moment. I really enjoyed meeting my trip leaders.

My school visits were great. Well, one was so-so and one was so mindblowingly awesome I think I will cry myself into oblivion if I don't get in. Really like dream college, like love at first sight. Being the happy and shiny optimist that I am, (sarcasm), I kept waiting for something to go wrong. Or something ot not be so awsome, but it never happened. I sat in on three classes. FIrst was a humanities lecture, which was cool (and really reminded me that I am lacking in background on the subjects of the classics, and greek/roman stuff, which is what the class was about). It was cool b/c it was obvious that the prof giving the lecture was just so knowledgable and excited about her topic. THen I went to a conference class based on the lecture, which was a great experience where everyone in the class spoke up and debated and argued and discussed. Then I actually went to a Latin class, which I had no background in - they set me up with a student host and I just went w/her to her morning classes - but it was cool. IN the class I ran into a girl who had given me directions earlier that morning, and she was super friendly and helpful. Another girl sitting next to me was also super welcoming, as was the prof. The girl sitting next to me, before the class started, told the class that she was having an intellectual identity crisis, b/c before college, she was always the smart one, and now that she's there, everyone is the smart one and it's kicking her ass and it's hard. I thought it was really brave of someone to stand up and admit that to their peers like that. And someone else in the class got up and went over and gave her a hug. It was very sweet. All around, the students were awesome, and all around in Portland in general, I think I got more hugs in those few days than the rest of the year combined!

The classes were great. THe classrooms were great, very conference style, interactive, with big windows. And the campus is fucking gorgeous. So is Evergreen's, maybe moreso. ANyway I met some students for lunch, and this school had the best food so far, also a plus, I ate with another student host and her punk rocker friend, and it was awesome. They were soooo psyched about the school, loved being students there, just couldn't stop talking about how much they loved it. THey gave me heads up on what profs to take and not take. One of them had just taken an english class in which she'd read The God of Small THings, which anyone who reads this blog knows is one of my favorite books ever, total desert island book, probably the best book I've ever read. So, another plus. THe other thing I noticed was that with every student I interacted with, I didn't feel like I was talking to 18 year olds, if you know w hat I mean, and no one seemed like freshman, I forgot about the age difference entirely. One of the students hugged me before we parted ways and I left for my info session, tour and interview, all of which were just fantastic. God that campus is gorgeous, and could easily ssatisfy my nature needs, maybe not quite as much as Evergreen's campus, but close.

I'm a little rushed, and overfloweing with things to say, so, anyway, after that and some other cool activities, and after that I had some time so decided to visit the office for students with disabilities, and again sort of thinking okay, here is where the other shoe might fall, but no. I got lost trying to find the building, then ran into a guy who works in admissions, and he walked me all the way over to the building, which was cool, and then I met with the director of disabled student services, and it honestly sounded better than most places I've looked at, which just blew me away. Everyone was just amazingly awesome. Think good thoughts for me to get in - it's a tough school, nad if I go it'll kick my ass intellectually, but I'm sort of looking for that. I want to be challenged, and to really have to rise to my potential.

I so want to go there. I so loved Portland. I had nonstop fun there, including the day after my visits, just chilling w/Elynn. We got desk chairs from this Habitat for Humanities store and went over to the esplanade and the planetarium, and we both agreed we had more fun in that day than we did in all our time on Orcas. I already feel like I don't even live on Orcas anymore, though I did keep my apartment. It's just like that world is behind me. One of the leaders of this program, actually the director, told me this morning that he thinks it's like I've been living in a cocoon for the last six years on Orcas, and now I'm coming out of the cocooon, it was really cool.

Anyway, I am about to leave to go eat dinner with my India group, then go to the airport to my group to catch my flight. So peace out, I guess. I'll be writing from the road I'm sure. THere is also a group blog anyone can read to see updates from all kinds of members of my group. I have met three of them already and am having a great time. Went out to Ethiopian food last night with the group, and they were playing TOOL and Alice in Chains in the restaurant, which just made my night.

Midnight tonight, I'll be headed to Hong Kong, then Delhi. I can't believe this is really real!

Here is the group blog:
India Group Blog

Check ya later, America!

Greetings from Olympia

I left Orcas yesterday morning, had a real nice ride w/my friend Trish to Mt. Vernon, where I caught the Greyhound (oh the hours upon hours of my life I have spent on Greyhound buses) and got into Olympia yesterday evening. I'm sitting in the computer lab at Evergreen, waiting for my campus visit to start in an hour.

The cool thing is, on Saturday, my last day to get mail on Orcas, I got a package from Evergreen that I thought was going to be a guidebook or catalog, and it was, but it also was an acceptance letter! And I got a small scholarship for academic achievement to help offset tuition. So, that is good news so far! That makes two colleges that have admitted me so far (the other being Portland State, and my India program is through them, and I had to apply to get in in order to get credit/financial aid for India, so I've been accepted there since August). Two yes's, four to go. I guess I'm off to a good start, and it was really nice to see some payoff from all that work I put in, before I left.

I had a great, great time doing tarot readigns and hanging out w/my friend Tracy last night. She is one of my favorite people ever. We used to share a house on camp for a magical winter, and now we see each other about once a year and it's always awesome.

Very first impressions of Olympia/Evergreen: It's woodsy, which is a major, major plus in my book. Coming into the city on the bus, we rode through miles of trees. I like that. And then this morning, taking the bus to campus was the same thing. Very green. Lots and lots of trees. There is also nearby ocean, right on, gotta love that. People seem friendly and aware.

I always notice what sort of things I overhear on public transit in a place. I guess that really started last year when I was on the east coast visiting schools. I noticed what sort of conversations were going on around me. A friend of mine who I visited went to a very good school, yet on the buses around campus, the talk was some of the most petty, shallow crap I have ever heard, I mean I would have thought I was in middle school. And it was consistent everytime we rode that bus, and students were rude (no one thanked the driver. As a contrast, when I was visiting Emerson, the conversations I overheard were about projects (film, art, writing, music), political discussions, intelligent conversation. People seemed animated and passionate about what they were doing, and they were much friendlier.

So this morning I paid attention on the bus, not just to the fact that we were passing through woodsy landscape, but also to what was going on in the bus around me. And people seemed friendly and talkative, and were having discussions about classes and programs, they seemed engaged, which is cool.

I do wonder if Olympia might be a bit too sleepy and small for me, not different enough from Orcas in a way, so that remains to be seen. Later today, I"m doing all sorts of school activities, including sitting in on a class on environmental health, public policy and social justice, taking a tour, and going to an info session. I hope it'll give me a good flavor of the school so I can get a relative feel for how I would fit in here, and whether it is a good fit academically.

I will try to blog often, on the road!

Currently Reading: The Biology of Belief - Bruce Lipton - interesting book, I just started it, about how our environments (and beliefs) affect our cells. Right up my alley - mind stuff, medical stuff, sort of new age stuff. I am only at the beginning, but I do wish it was a little more sciency in tone and content. I know this book is written for the lay person but it does at times feel like being talked down to, or dumbed down, which for me as a reader doesn't exactly help with credibility for a somewhat out there concept. The scientist in me wants more science, but I'll live.

I Am Fried

This month I have made applying to colleges and scholarships my full-time job, and have actually spent more hours at it than at most jobs. I set myself a goal of 8 hours a day working on all of it, and I often went over and rarely took a day off. Yesterday I worked for fifteen hours with only a break for lunch. And now I feel totally fried.

In the last month, I've written 28 essays. If I have to write or look at another personal statement anytime soon I might spontaneously combust. I usually created each new essay by pulling from previous ones, and adjusting it for whatever particular purpose I needed, so it's not like they were all from scratch, but still. And many were, because the questions were specific and not covered elsewhere. I have reached the limit. This isn't even including all the short answer questions.

I don't even know how many forms I have filled out online and in print. I've been to the local office supply store almost every day, faxing transcript requests, copying required documents and letters of recommendation, which I coerced out of many sources, copying all my tax forms for financial aid offices and scholarship committees (I actually had my tax forms filled out before I got my W-2/etc in the mail). I don't even want to think how much paper I've gone through printing out application forms and required supplemental information. If the aforementioned office supply store was open right now Id probably be there b/ there's much I still need to copy today for the last batch of scholarship applications, and one of them needs everything scanned!

In the midst of all that I also planned and scheduled visits to three schools before I fly out, replete with interviews, sitting in on classes, campus tours and the like. All the other schools I'm applying to I've already visited. It's cool though, I'm sitting in on different types of classes at each place. At one, I'll sit in on a writing class, of course. The cool thing about that is that in conversing via email with the professor to set that up, one of the emails she sent me had a piece of a poem in it, a poem by Tony Hoagland. I don't consider myself very well-versed in poetry and I know that I don't know my poets all that well, so when I know one it says something, and I know Tony Hoagland. Not well, but his "Reasons to Survive November" is one of my favorite poems, so I thought that was a cool coincidence.

Speaking of, I'm taking a bit of a quick detour here to say I watched Into the Wild this weekend, and LOVED it. I got chills big-time when he started reciting Sharon Olds' poem "I Go Back to May, 1937" because that probably is my favorite poem. I first read it in Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird and have loved it ever since. It seems like now instead of music coincidences I'm having poetry coincidences. I can dig it.

Back on track. At another school I'm most likely sitting in on an interdisciplinary humanities course (yes!) and at another, a class on environmental health and social justice. I'm very glad that it'll be varied. I need variety.

But along with all of that came arranging all of it, arranging my travels, arranging whose couch to crash on at each place, getting bus tickets, etc, etc, etc. I actually thought I would also be able to plan a separate visit to Bellingham this month. I've visited Fairhaven before, twice actually (once in 2005, once in November) and had interviews and toured and all but I haven't gone to a class. So I wanted to try to squeeze that in, and some friends were considering going, but shit, I think I was crazy to even think I might be able to fit that in.

All of this while also doing everything to get ready for India - apply for India Visa, all the medical stuff, getting everything squared away with my apartment and with the person who will be watching it and doing my bookkeeping, getting supplies that I didn't have and probably more that I'm not even remembering anymore b/c I'm so fried. What I haven't done yet is pack.

Somehow I also did manage to have a pretty decent social life this month. I hung out a lot and had a surprise visit from my friend Heather in Seattle (though I also worked on stuff while she was here). I feel pretty good. I got everything done that I intended to. All my applications and their supplements are submitted. All the financial aid forms are filed (there were sooo many of those) and I applied to all the scholarships I originally set out to apply for. Except for the copying and scanning I mentioned, I am pretty much done. And that is a very good thing, b/c today's my last chance to mail stuff out before I take off on Monday morning. I just feel like everything is sort of squared away, like I made myself a goal and met it better than I might have thought.

That being said if I had to write another personal statement I might kill myself. And if I heard about another scholarship opportunity today, even if it sounded perfect and was for a million dollars, I might not bother. I am fried, completely and totally fried.

And so is my bank account - this shit is not cheap! Between all the application fees, the transcript requests (those get me every time, I've spent over $100 on that alone and luckily only one of my former schools charged for or I would be in the red), the College Board fees (for the financial aid profile and the sending of old SAT scores, which in most cases was optional and I opted for since my scores kicked major ass), all that copying and mailing and on and on and on, added up to over $600. Yikes.

And that is not to mention this is the same month as everything for India. I bought my plane ticket this month and paid a big chunk of the program fee, and paid for a domestic flight inside India as part of the itinerary, and then there were all the vaccinations, and the meds (!!!), and international insurance (funny I am insured overseas and not in America, go figure), and all my travel between here and San Fran where I'll fly out, and supplies. I think I have spent more money this month than in some (most?) years of my life. Seriously. The hope is that it will all be worth it.

Speaking of the meds, wow, what a trip. I was a bit worried about taking mefloquine for malaria - it's known to have serious emotional side effects and that's something I don't need, but the other option causes increased sun sensitivity, and I've already got that in spades. My doctor warned me that the Mef might cause weird dreams, and she wasn't kidding! I took my first one on Wednesday, and early that next morning I was in some weird state of lucid dreaming, I'm not entirely sure if I was asleep or awake, because I was dreaming, but also completely aware of my body. I think if I had ever tried acid, I would've been having acid flashbacks, it was totally weird. Kinda cool, but I'm glad it didn't happen again last night/this morning because there is just only so much I can take. If it happens once a week the night after taking the meds, I guess I'm cool with that. I don't think I'm having any emotional side effects, knock on wood. And with my current mental state of being totally fried, I feel I'd be ripe for those side effects if I was going to have them.

So that's that. My apartment is the messiest it's ever been, it looks like a hurricane hit my kitchen, and a tornado of paperwork laid waste to the living room, and another hurricane of boxes and packing material (from things I ordered) hit my bedroom. So I'd better get to cleaning that up, and to packing, at some point today after I finish my shit later this morning.

I'm leaving here in THREE DAYS. I can't believe it!


Currently listening:
"How to Save a Life" - The Fray - This song is on my computer b/c it's on the Grey's soundtrack. I don't really know The Fray, and not sure I really want to, but I do like this song a lot and play it often. I really like the piano, and the chorus. It's from the episode "Superstition" which I think is a really good one (I think Season 2 is just soooo good, probably my favorite) and during a pretty intense scene. Anyway while looking for the lyrics online, I found out this song is apparently written about a crack-addicted teen. I like that some of the songs on Grey's, like this one, have titles that could make sense in a medical sense too.

Here are the words:

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Is it dangerous to feel this good?

Am I tempting the fates here?

A complete 180 from last month, but I only continue to feel better and better. Tonight I feel downright ecstatic, not for any good reason, but there's movement coming in my life, and it's overdue. I'm psyched for my trip to India, and psyched for my trip to SF to fly out - not only will I visit schools (and all my visits are totally all confirmed and lined up), but I will stay with my friend Tracy, who is one of my favorite people ever, then stay with Elynn, one of my best Orcas friends who's moving south (who I just had the best evening with), then hopefully see my friend Kelly, and then see Luke C (BTW Luke if you read this, I think House will be on while I'm there in SF and OMG that'd be fun to watch together, I never get to watch with anyone who's super into it, so, let's make that happen) and Maryam. It's going to be a wild adventure before I even get on a plane!

Tonight, Elynn and I were playing with the love card and destiny card books, which are really fun to play with, and again it said I am going to have lots of unexpected money rolling in, and lots of love. I can dig it. It's unusual for these sorts of predictions to be so freakin' positive, but like I said in the last post, whatever positive power of suggestion that plants in my head, right on.

And I'm just feeling stellar about this college application stuff. I mean, I am just rocking it. It's a ton of paperwork, but shit, I'm just working my butt off and getting it all done and sent off, and it feels like it's starting to come together, getting those recommendation letters and transcripts. The financial aid stuff was the most daunting, it can feel overwhelming with all the forms, but I pretty much rocked those all in two days (not even full days). Now it's on to scholarship applications. There's still tons to do. I am leaving in less than three weeks, but it really does feel like it's all coming together! I'm psyched about that. I'm just feeling great.

On the other hand, I am having really freakin' bizarre dreams. Apparently my malaria meds for India can cause strange dreams, and I can only imagine, since they're already so weird (and currently really rich and vivid), once I start taking that stuff I'm going to feel like I'm on acid! Well, except I wouldn't really know.

The only thing I wonder is, with all this feeling awesome and hopeful and confident, am I tempting fate? The last time I felt this euphoric on life turned out to be the beginning of probably the most difficult year of my life, full of heartache and struggle and poverty and struggle, struggle, struggle. It was also at the start of adventure, much like now I am about to leave for India and embark on that journey as well as return to school. So it worries me a little. I want the euphoria to last, for things to pan out, to have shatteringly cool life-changing experiences in India. It was interesting, I went over to the big island for writing class today, and this writing teacher went to India four years ago (she was actually there during the tsunami, though not near that area), and I asked her, b/c I'm worried about the culture shock, which was harder, to get used to India, or to get re-adjusted to America after India? She chose the latter, and I would have put money down that she'd say that, which actually made me feel better about what I'm doing. It's going to be a huge adventure. And I do hope it turns my world upside down. I just hope it's not quite as challenging as the last time around when I chose adventure and really embodied The Fool in the tarot deck (which is a great card, but is also the start of the hero's journey, so to speak, and man it can be difficult). When I look back, that difficult time was so, so, so rich for me, in terms of growth, in terms of emotional richness, in terms of making me see my own strength in so many different situations, and in terms of feeling vibrantly alive.

But still, I'm worried about this euphoria. I don't want to crash. Funny how when things are good, it's like, oh don't get too happy, don't get your hopes up, it won't last, and it's hard to keep the same awareness of impermanence when things are all fucked up. In those dark places, it's easy to think I'll be there forever. So maybe I just want to ride the euphoria, enjoy it as long as it lasts, and realize that a lot of it comes from the fact that I've felt sort of stuck in my life here, much as I really do love the island, and that actually doing stuff to move things forward is making a huge difference. Taking action can be the best cure.

A friend today mentioned something about tipping points, how in any change there reaches a tipping point when you know the change will happen. In this case, she was talking about our local food bank (which she works with) moving buildings, saying that there's still some things to sort out, different ideas, but it's passed the tipping point, they know it will move (which is great, the way it is now, people have to wait in the freezing cold). I started thinking about how that applies to the story of my own life and reflecting on that. Because very few things are momentary decisions, and even the things that seem to be have usually built for a long time, perhaps burbling below the surface, before the actual change.

I've definitely passed the tipping point about leaving Orcas. That has definitely been brewing for a long, long time. I've thought about it off and on for years, especially starting in the summer of 2005, after I left camp for the first time, and more importantly, moved off the property. I loved that land so much, and the island wasn't the same for me once I lived somewhere else, and I knew it immediately and ever since. I've thought about going back to school for years too, and in many years, started applications, then got to a point where it just didn't feel right for one reason or another. I wasn't done here, I wasn't ready, I didn't totally have my heart in it, I couldn't get excited about it, I wanted to stay and save up money, and the like. A person has to be ready for the change to be right and meaningful, and now I feel like I am.

As for India, I don't know if there was a tipping point exactly, partly because I never fully believed it was real. I've been putting this together for probably close to five or six months now. I just did what I needed to apply, and then after I did, and got in, I sent in my deposit, but even then it didn't feel real. For the next two months, I was having serious second thoughts, to the point where I really thought I wouldn't go. Then one afternoon, I left to go to the post office, which is about a five minute walk each way. I had been checking my email all day, doing nothing, watching Grey's, and actually something on the show got me thinking (actually it was Meredith's shrink, hahahahaha) about being a quitter, b/c in some ways I feel I have been (in other ways maybe the extreme in the other direction), but then walking up to my apartment I said to myself, "I am not a quitter. I am not going to be a chicken. I am going to India." I opened my door, came inside and checked my email and that's when I found out about my scholarship, which just blew my mind. But it's interesting how those things happen, isn't it? I guess that speech to myself was my tipping point.

Which reminds me that a lot of times, a tipping point can be very subtle and internal. When I was living in Seattle and jobless and soon to be w/o a place to live (like in two days), it just was amazing the way that morning I made the decision that no matter what happened, I would not go home, no matter how dire my situation was, and within a few hours I had the job offer here on the island with the camp. I had been keeping a postcard of the camp in my room, afraid of how much I wanted the job, wanted to live in this beautiful place. All of this reminds me of that old famous quote:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manor of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man would have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."

~W.H. Murray

I retrieved this quote from Derrick Jensen's Walking on Water: Reading, Writing and Revolution, which is one of my favorite books. He uses it at the beginning of chapter on falling in love with writing. This is a book I treasure and something I want to reread while in school, because it always reminds me to go to the root of what my passions are, dig deep, dig into what's terrifying, into what's real, into what's the questions, who are you? Who are you, really? What do you love? What do you want? There's also such a different approach to education in this book, an approach I feel that all the schools I'm looking at are (to varying degrees), in alignment.

Anyway the larger point was the tipping points of change in our lives, and beyond that The Fool, the archetype of the fool. It is not about some naive idiot as some seem to think. Instead it's about a wise innocence. A mix of the hope and excitement that comes from the start of new ventures, and the wisdom that comes from having gone through them before. Think of it like a cultivated childlike state of mind, where wonder and awe are alive, but there is still maturity and knowing. It's all about taking the leaps that our inner voices whisper about, leaping and waiting for the net to appear. I always think that in so many cases in my life, if I really had any idea what something would entail, I wouldn't start it. Reflecting back to any sort of innocence always chokes me up, it' so tender looking back on the self that just had no idea what she was in for. But it was also totally necessary for her not to know, b/c again, then it never would have happened.

Okay now I'm going to divert, because this totally reminds me of a moment in a book I read as a teenager, which was called The Starlight Crystal by Christopher Pike. I was a huge fan of his books, and would probably still love them if I re-read them as an adult. This one though, was difficult. I wasn't so sure about it the first time around. It later came to be one of my absolute favorites. Some of his books, though they're YA, just have soooo much depth to them. It was about this girl Paige. At the very beginning of the book, she comes out of the library and has a strange moment with this stranger, who she thinks for a moment might pull out a gun and kill her, but doesn't. Almost immediately following that, she meets and falls in love with this boy Tem. They have this beautiful once-in-a-lifetime connection but she has to leave on this spaceship (it takes place in the 23rd century) that is traveling at near the speed of light, which means she'll experience time dilation (I love a book that incorporates relativity), so while only a small amount of time will pass for her, centuries will pass on earth, meaning he'll be dead. So she's on the ship, and all these things happen, and it's been about ten years so my memory's a little blurry, but she is a teenager in love and grieving, and then a lot of other stuff happens, I believe she and the spaceship crew watch the earth die as well. And if I'm not mistaken, I think it's her father or someone else on the ship, actually maybe everyone else on the ship, also dies. I remember there's this great part where she's between the death of the universe and the birth of a new one, and I just remember that part being gorgeous, but painful. I mean our heroine here has experienced loss the scale of which we can't really imagine. And she watches things circle back around, till she arrives again in that place in the 23rd century outside the library. Except this time, she's the stranger, and she's looking at her younger self, the innocent self, that has no idea she's about to meet Tem or the loss she's about to suffer, and she is thinking of pulling out a gun, sparing her younger self that pain. But she doesn't do it, she can't.

There's a lot more to the book, I'd even say it's got spiritual undertones, and it's really gorgeous in a melancholy way, but the point is, whenever I think of myself in a time of innocence, of not knowing what I was in for, and there are many, I get that feeling like the stranger outside the library in a way, like if I could go back and talk to myself before I moved to Seattle, before I first left for college, before, before, before, what might I say? Probably nothing. I just have to have a tenderness towards that sort of not-knowing, that Fool quality, wise yet so innocent, because without it, no great journeys would ever happen, and every journey in some way is a hero's journey. And in the end, I don't really regret them. Even the really hard ones. Even the ones I probably should regret a little. I can't, because the journey always has some value in itself. We each have several in our lives, I believe. And I think the key is to just be open to it, to realize you really can't prepare yourself, you just can't. That's what I came to today about India. My writing teacher Janet was showing me pictures from her trip. I was hoping to ready myself, to somehow brace myself against the culture shock I'll feel (come on I've never left the US except for brief visits to Canada, that if you ask me, don't really count), and I felt like as we looked through these pictures, we both realized there was no way for me to really do that, and in a way it might even be better not to, to just be open. And scared too, I can't help that. But also to embrace the Fool archetype energy, and leap.

So, be the fool. Have the grace to be a beginner. Cross those tipping points. Go for what has passion and meaning and juice - that's what I always focus on in writing critiques, which at least one of my readers can testify to, I'm always wanting the writing to go deeper, to find that lightning electricity, find what is really alive. Be bold, with all its genius and power and magic. Err on the side of audacity, because even when those journeys lead to the darkest depths, I think they also give us the most riches. And it's pretty much always worth it.

I did not expect to end up here at all in this post. I didn't expect to talk about the fool, and definitely not about a Christopher Pike book. But that's the other thing about starting things, and leaving yourself open, you end up in unexpected places.


Currently Listening:
"Alive" - Jeff Buckley - His voice is sooooo good on this song, and I can't stop playing it to death. It's a live track, and in the beginning, he talks about how 96 is going to be a great year, how we'll have Newt Gingrich's head on a plate and put the fear of God into Bob Dole. And then he says, "Freaks of America unite." Sweet. I must play this a hundred times a week, it's pretty poignant. Here are the words:

I feel the time is coming
I walk into the night
Oh, I don't mind if the clock is turning
Cuz I'm going to the other side
You either die or you keep on burning alive

And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning

I walked a long, long distance
I'm feeling sore inside
Oh, I don't care if the sky is falling
Cuz I'll never get to see the light
You either die or you keep on burning alive

And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning
And I am burning

You either die or you keep on burning alive

Begin the Begin

So, it's 2009, and I've gotta say I'm pretty glad. I put some stock into the theory of the numerological year, that we go through these nine-year cycles. At least, I've found my years to fit this pattern pretty consistently. Last year I was in a 7 year - the lowest energy in the cycle, and have now entered the 8 year. A numerologist once told a friend of mine, when she was entering her 8 year, that she'd feel like she'd "been shot out of a cannon!" It's supposed to be the highest energy year, and very auspicious for success. As if that wasn't enough positive power of suggestion right there, all the astrology books point to this being a great year for Aquarians. Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion, has entered my sign, suggesting a golden year. I'm surely ready for that.

And the thing is, I feel it. I definitely feel the energy shift. I mean I sort of do feel shot out of a cannon. I was totally in the dumps all through December, and worse after Xmas, but then in the week leading up to New Year's, something just changed, and I'm not going to question it one bit. I'm all about riding the wave.

So, as for India, I got my ass in gear about that, and I'm definitely going. It's so funny how once I started, everything sort of fell into place. I have my plane ticket. I finished all my vaccinations yesterday, which I'm still in some pretty serious burning and intense muscle pain from, fuck. I got permission to be gone from my apartment for longer than my lease allows, so I'm squared away there. I got someone to check in on my place and take care of my mail while I'm gone. I found out I could set up automatic bill pay to take care of most of my recurring financial concerns. I sent off my India Visa application today. Not to jinx anything, but a lot of loose ends that just two weeks ago seemed enormously overwhelming and impossible, are, well, pretty close to taken care of.

And as for college, I'm kicking even more ass on that front. I don't know if it was that last post (which I did take down, for my own reasons) or what, but I decided it was worth honoring the fact that I have real concerns about whether I'll like living in Bellingham. I can't shake the feeling that it's just too similar to where I live now, and Orcas is a place that I have loved, that my life wouldn't be the same without, a place that has been very close to my heart, in some ways more than any other place I've lived, but I've stayed too long and it's at the point where I feel so claustrophobic and caged living here that it's hard to remember that I have loved this place. And for whatever reason, Bellingham just doesn't feel different enough - it's a pretty small town, and I have this feeling that I might still feel a bit caged and cut off there too. And I don't really know how to put this into words, b/c I honestly do like Bellingham, but it doesn't feel all that alive to me, or that diverse, and I'm afraid I won't find people to hang with, that I'll be real lonely. A friend who went to school there as an older student (she was 24 I think, so older than a lot of undergrads but still younger than I am) said she had a hard time with that. I have this feeling like I'd drown in bluegrass music while craving rock. I could be totally off-base with this feeling, and it could stem from being so past done with living on Orcas (and hearing so many people say how comparable the two places are), but I do feel it's at least worth honoring that feeling enough to explore other options.

I still love Fairhaven and their program, all the classes they offer, the alternative, interdisciplinary structure, the exchanges they have with other schools, and something called the Adventure Learning Grant, which is another awesome study abroad opportunity. I get excited reading the course descriptions, so it's still on the table big-time. I'm also hoping to visit Bellingham again, sometime this month, to get more of a feel for it. I've been there a few times, but it's usually been pretty brief, and another visit couldn't hurt.

I just feel so much better that I've decided to consider other options. I had the best freaking time last year when I visited Emerson, and so I decided to go ahead and apply there, as well as another school in Boston. The cool thing is that they are part of the same consortium exchange thing, where students at one can take classes at the other, which makes me feel better, because there are things I like about both, and it widens the possibilities for classes to take.

Another place I'm looking at is Portland. I've loved that place every time I've been there, and of all the places I'm considering, I've visited there the most, which actually isn't saying all that much. And lately I keep hearing what an awesome literary scene they've got going on there. To me it feels vibrant and alive. They've got some great schools that are totally up on the interdisciplinary studies deal like Fairhaven is, and have some really strong writing programs to boot. I can't even count how many times I hear that Bellingham is Portland-lite, similar in some ways, but lacking in others, and without the same sort of diversity and vibrance, and it's like, why go lite without at least considering the real deal? So I'm looking into two schools there.

And then there's Olympia, which is also on the smaller side, but I figure it's good to have another in-state WA choice in mind, and Evergreen has got to be one of the most interdisciplinary schools out there. I visited once, almost five years ago, and it was pretty cool. I like that they really have a holistic approach to any subject, and they have some programs that look awesome, and one includes a trip to Egypt, which of course caught my eye. I also read that the whole school is completely energy-efficient, which is way cool.

All in all, I'm considering six schools, and let me just say, just the idea of considering more places than just Fairhaven has me feeling tremendously better. I thought that being set on Fairhaven was good for peace of mind, in the way that it left no uncertainty, it was settled, but I think that that settling wasn't quite honest with myself. I could easily end up choosing that school, and I could just as easily choose somewhere else. The point is, it's like a huge gust of fresh air to my spirit, the fact that it's more open now. In the end it'll come down to where I get accepted, what my financial aid packages look like, scholarships, where my credits transfer, and where each college ranks on my own personal preference list (which is TBD as of now, pending more visits to the ones I can visit before I leave).

In the last week, I've rocked my applications to all six - the apps are all in, the transcripts and recommendations are requested, forms are faxed, and many essays are written. I just have one supplemental essay left to write. One school also required a graded paper, and the coolest thing is, I checked with admissions, and I get to use a writing piece that was workshopped at the Orcas Island Writers Festival! I figured it would count, because the workshop leader who evaluated it (they wanted a paper with instructor's comments on it) usually teaches grad students, and that just had to count for something, and it did. I'm psyched, because I think it's a good piece, and the comments on there are great and extremely thorough, with a balance of praise and suggestions for improvement.

For some of this stuff, I've had to dig through the bowels of my memory to contact former teachers and advisors. In one case there was someone I had to find, and I could only remember the first name (I mean, it's been like, nine years here), and they didn't even work at the school I used to go to anymore, so, google has been my friend in finding old profs and the like to fill out forms. It was kind of cool, searching that stuff out. I found that one of my favorite professors, who I had in my first semester of college for intro astronomy, is getting all these grants for really cool studies (that honestly I don't entirely understand exactly what these studies are). It's just cool because that was one of the best classes I ever took, it really got me excited about learning, and that's the best feeling (and can be rare sometimes) to have in school, so it was just nice to see successes for that prof.

So yes, I am kicking ass on these applications. By Sunday I should be done with that one last essay (if not tomorrow), and then I move on to doing everything I can to apply for scholarships, and then financial aid. It's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. I've sort of thought of the fact that I don't have New Year's resolutions, but very ambitious January goals. If all goes as planned, I'll be leaving Orcas on Feb 2nd. I'm trying to set myself a schedule in the meantime, since I'm currently unemployed, to work at this stuff 8 hours a day, more or less, because there's so much and so little time, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far.

And then I get to unwind with Grey's, which I think I become more obsessed with every time I watch it, I see more layers. It's not quite the same sort of intellectual stimulation as House is with all its mysteries, but it's not exactly lacking in that either, and it has emotional drama that sometimes I think is a bit absent in House.

There are some things that I think the writers of Grey's do really well, and one thing I noticed immediately is that every character is likable, even the ones you hate at first. Alex (my personal favorite of the dudes) is an ass in season 1 (didn't really like him at all then), but you very quickly get to see the other sides of him. I love him and Izzie together. Another example, probably the most obvious, is Addison. You want to hate her, because she comes in takes Derek away from Meredith, but even in the very next episode when they work together and Addison defends Meredith, well that's big, and the more she becomes a regular character, the more you sympathize with her and like her. And she's one of the wittiest. I think the same is true with Mark. He sort of comes in as a sort of bad guy, the manwhore, the guy who Addison cheated on Derek with, the guy who totally harasses interns, but before long, you see other sides of him too. And then the same is true of Lexie, Hahn, Rose, Sadie. What I'm saying is, every single character is complex, with different sides and ultimately in some way, very likable, and not in a love to hate way, but in a really likable human way. That's sort of unique in TV.

I feel a little ridiculous, but I so love this show, love the character development. And, like with all shows I like (though I do have to say that I think character development, speaking for the cast as a whole and not just main character, is much better in The Office and Grey's than in House) I get very curious about the writing, like how do they do it? Each character's story slowly builds, and they intertwine in these amazing ways. It just intrigues me as a writer, b/c it boggles my mind a little, how much it seems everything comes together seamlessly to create this great and complex story, how some things build and build and build for episodes, and just how it all comes together. I love listening to the commentaries too because it gives me even more insight, and intricacies and layers I might not have noticed.

I also LOVE that the episodes are named after songs, and I think that's pretty much without exception (there's some question about "The Self-Destruct Button" but still). I didn't think they all were, I was like, there's no way there's actually a song called "The Deterioration of the Flight or Fight Response" but there is, by Flaming Lips. I am just waiting for an episode to be named after a TOOL song, that'll be the day. I think it's possible. My world will be complete. Tori, Fiona, Soundgarden, Jeff Buckley and some others would be cool to see as episode titles too, but one named after a Tool song would just rock my world.

Well, not really, but if everything goes as swimmingly this year as my astrology suggests, and I'm swimming in unexpected fortunes and soulmates and financial windfalls and being showered with luck (obviously exaggerating here) that would just be the icing on a great 2009, lol.


Currently Reading:
"Musicophilia" - Oliver Sachs - this book is great. I mean how could I not love it, when it's about music, and about really obscure medical (mostly brain) stuff? Music and seizures, musical hallucinations, music's affect on all kinds of disorders. Ahhhh I love it.

Currently Listening:
"Cannonball" - Damien Rice - an old favorite. I have a strange relationship with this song. I love it, yet there was always a bugging quality about it, it just felt too catchy and generic, in music and lyrics and that always bothered me, but then the last time he gets to the chorus, he changes up the words, so among these lines like "Life taught me to die/Love taught me to lie..." which just doesn't have a real spark to it, he almost yells, "Come on courage, teach me to be shy," and that kinda stops me, like, what exactly does that mean? I like it, it's unusual, and he sings it with more feeling. So for me, that line makes the song.

Coming Out of the Closet about College

I am nervous making this post, might as well get that out of the way from the very beginning.

As I've talked about in previous blogs, I'm planning on returning to school next fall to finish my undergrad degree. I'm looking at some WA state schools, and also, as described in I Can't Seem to Stop Stretching, widening my circles of where I'm looking. I'm not sure I want to stay in WA. I am sure it would be easier, especially financially, and that if I go somewhere else, everything will depend on financial aid. Still, that hasn't stopped me from looking. I dream big, always. And I'm determined as shit, so if I want to make something happen that's more of a stretch, I'll find a way. Of that, I have no doubt.

*

On a different note, up until April, I was living with this guy. He doesn't want to be written about (and almost definitely hasn't seen my blog), and I want to respect that, but also be able to give bare bones background stuff when necessary, so I'm taking a cue from Janna, (whose blog you should really read, btw - when I went to go retreive the addy to make the linkey, I got distracted by reading her latest post - she's great). She calls her husband "the dreadfully charming Mr. Right," or "Mr. R" for short. So, in that vein, I'm going to call this guy who was living with me, Mr. Orestes, b/c the song "Orestes" by A Perfect Circle reminds me of him. We'll make that Mr. O for short.

Wow, that's pretty weird, calling someone I lived with a nickname like that, but anyway, so yes, Mr. O and I were living together in my apartment with a big brown puppy. It was never really clear whether Mr. O and I were roommates, friends, or more than friends (and that ambiguity drove me absolutely batty). It definitely started as more than friends, and that's definitely what I wanted, but I can't say either of us would win any gold stars for communication (read: that is the understatement of the millenium) so, things were unclear. And then he had to return to Boston to take care of some things. Who knows what'll happen when he's done taking care of things, in the next month or two. It's been so long since April that I'm a little unsure what I want at this point, definitely unsure what he wants, but I am sure, definitely, that I love the guy. I promise you need to know this for the rest of the story to make sense, or at least for some of the dilemma to be clear.

*

Three weeks ago, I was talking to my friend Edie on the phone. Edie used to work at the YMCA camp with me and is now a grad student at Suffolk. We were having a grand discussion about schools I might look at, with the whole vast vista of the US open with possibility before me. We talked about schools out west, in the midwest, back east, schools we'd gone to, schools we visited, and so on. Then the following conversation ensued:

Edie: Chrys, you should look at schools in Boston.

Me: I can't. Mr. O's there. That'd be like, wrong, like invading his territory or something.

Edie: But there's so many schools here, and there's like 250,000 college studens here. You'd probably never even run into him.

Me: I don't know.

Edie: You can live in my tiny studio with me for free. Think about it.

Some idle daydreaming and joking about what it would be like to live in a small box together and rock the Northeast ensued.

Edie: Seriously, you should at least look into it. There's so many schools here. There's Suffolk, Boston College, Boston U... (she goes on to list a whole bunch and I brush them all off, having no particular inclination towards any) ... There's Emerson.

Emerson.

Oh, Emerson. I even love the name. But more importantly, I almost went there. Ten years ago, Emerson was THE school I wanted to go to. They have an amazingly awesome writing program. I met my high school boyfriend the summer before senior year at a blind kids' program, and that's how we started talking, we both wanted to go to Emerson. He went. I didn't. Oh, I got in. I even got accepted into their Honors program, which is highly competitive and hard to get into. But I didn't go. I didn't go partly because my parents had a lot of reservations about Emerson, and I won't go so far as to say they talked me out of it, but their concerns augmented my own.

And what concerns were those? I'm sure you're dying to know. First was that Emerson focuses mostly on communications, performing arts and writing. What if, as sure as I felt that writing was my passion, I decided I wanted to major in something else? Psychology, philosophy, a foreign language, science? I was a well-rounded student, generally doing well in and enjoying many different areas of academics. I even loved math (still do). It seemed a valid concern. The bigger concern, however, was that it was in a city. As my mom always liked to say, "It just worries me that there isn't any campus."

It scared the shit out of me. I'd always lived in suburbia. My life was extremely sheltered and overprotected, almost comically so. Even in my small NJ town, I had a very limited adolescent experience. The only places I ever felt like I'd been a real teenager were at blind camp, and among my neighbors, who stopped hanging out with me in my early years of high school. I was pretty socially retarded, partly because of being teased and ostracized by the other kids at school, and partly because I wasn't allowed to do anything. It seemed I was always in trouble, on some restriction for some report card indiscretion. My bedtime was earlier than anyone else's that I knew, and even my pop culture intake (movies and TV mostly) was very restricted. In a lot of ways, socially, I was a lot younger than my peers.

Even though I totally wanted to get out of high school and my house, the thought of going to college, anywhere, with kids who'd been real teenagers and who might party, drink, do drugs, have sex, go on dates, talk about all the pop culture things I'd missed and treat me like an alien for missing them, flirt, and so on, scared me, a lot. Then add in the city factor, and I was downright quivering with fear. I didn't know how to navigate a city. I'd never taken public transit alone in my life. I'd taken it a few times, with people who knew what they were doing, and it seemed confusing and scary and impossible to figure out. I was afraid of walking around my own hometown by myself b/c I'd been harassed while walking home from school before. I would never survive in a city.

So I didn't go to Emerson. I went to a small school with less than a thousand students in a tiny town with no public transit and felt suffocated by its smallness. Adventures to get to concerts made me take seriously the idea that I *could* possibly travel, fly, etc. I started to want something else, something far. I transferred to school in Flagstaff, which did give me some experience with travel, flying, taking buses from the airport to the school, but was still a small town. I still felt stifled. I wanted to really, truly, irrevocably be independent. So I left school and traveled to organic farms all over the west coast, by greyhound bus. I got straned twice in Portland, OR, where, by virtue of necessity, I took public buses. I almost slept on the floor in the bathroom of the greyhound station. I got asked for drugs (repeatedly, actually, that stands out as one of my largest Portland memories, the number of people who asked me for drugs). I even survived being asked for sex on a street corner by some guy who offered me $200 to come home with him, lol. And I had fun. I went to the Rose Festival, explored the city, spent a day in Powell's bookstore, stayed at hostels and generally made the most of my crazy circumstances. It was one of the most stressful times in my life, but I learned so much. In the end I had to go home (by Greyhound of course).

Four months later I moved to Seattle, and that was THE most stressful four months in my life, ever. I was poor as shit, so were my roommates, and we lived in a seedy section of south Seattle where people asked us if we wanted to buy crack. We were all jobless. Our house had no heat. We ate food from the Food Bank for months. And looked for work. I walked around Seattle all the time. I took the buses to get to job interviews or fill out applications, or to attempt to donate plasma for money. I learned the city fast. I took buses all over the neighborhoods. I remember walking around Seattle well after midnight, after a Pearl Jam concert (I got tix way before I realized how hard it would be to find a job). I walked from the Key Arena by the Space Needle, to my bus stop, which was so many blocks away I couldn't even count it. The whole walk through Seattle, I was alert but not afraid, and I realized I was really getting the hang of this city thing.

In time, I knew how to get just about anywhere on the metro system, knew how to orient myself if I was lost (which was somewhat common for me, at least in the beginning), and found myself telling strangers at bus stops how to get where and which bus to take. I got a seasonal job at Barnes and Noble and had to make a connecting bus under a bridge at First & Spokane, a lonely bus stop, often late at night. My bus only came once an hour, so I spent a large portion of time, waiting at that lonely stop, again alert but not afraid. By the time my four months were up and I was offered a job on this cozy island where I live now, I knew that I could handle urban survival.

But I learned that by doing, and didn't know that back then when I was deciding between schools, and probably honestly wasn't at all ready to handle soemthing like that at the time. But now, years later, I'm not so worried about any of those old concerns.

Suffice to say, Edie had piqued my interest.

Me: But I couldn't really go there. I mean, what if Mr. O thought I was doing it to chase him or something? My pride couldn't handle that.

Edie: I think you're thinking about that way too much. I mean why let it influence you one way or the other?

Me: Yeah.

Edie: But I do have to tell you, Chrys, (giggles), if you do meet up with Mr. O, and you do live in my tiny box with me (more giggles), you guys are not allowed to do it in my studio. I will not be sexiled!

We both laughed. Then we daydreamed some more about what fun we'd have going to school in the same city, revisited old inside jokes and memories from our days working together at camp, and talked about our futures. When we hung up, I told her I'd think about Emerson.

And I did. In fact, I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since. I went to the college's website, and nearly salivated over the writing classes. Fiction, poetry, non-fiction, screenwriting, magazine writing, humor writing, even writing for stand-up comedy (which sounds totally fun), book publishing, magazine publishing, layout and design classes. A lot of these classes are offered at all levels (intro, intermediate, advanced), which means there's even more of them. I have looked at a lot of schools' websites, and Emerson definitely offers the best-looking classes. They also talk about links with numerous for-credit internship possibilities in publishing, magazines, etc. Another plus is that one of the things I want to do with my writing is readings, spoken word performance, and Emerson is strong in the performing arts. I'm sure I could take a class or two to amp my abilities in that department and take part in some student readings. I also like that though its majors are in communication and the arts, the curriculum there includes a solid liberal arts base. I might even be able to take a math class if I really felt like it. So, yes, I have been thinking about Emerson.

But I don't want to admit it. What will my friends think? What will Mr. O think if he finds out? How nicely coincidental is it that the school I'm thinking the most about just happens to be in his city? It seems a little too convenient, doesn't it? It shouldn't matter, really. For all I know, I may never hear from Mr. O again. And there are hundreds of thousands of college students in Boston. And I was interested in this school before I knew Mr. O existed. And it's a great school with a program I'm looking for, a philosophy I can get behind, and a good rep, as far as if I want to go to grad school (which I strongly believe I do - If I could I'd go straight to grad school for writing). And if I do this, I won't be going there until almost a full year from now, at which point, the Mr. O issue could be completely null and void.

But still, there is a small but extremely strong-willed, prideful part of me that says no, I can't go there, on principle. I can't go anywhere that might, even in the slightest way, be motivated by a boy. I am afraid of him finding out I'm even considering this. I hate ever doing anything that could make it seem like I might want someone who might not want me back. I am an independent, strong woman and that would look pathetic. And there may be a small, tiny, miniscule iota of truth in it. I'm not even sure, so I say there may be. As much as intellectually I'm sort of distancing myself from him, because I'm unsure where things are with us, like I said, I love the guy and when I'm being disgustingly dreamy I sometimes do picture us together still and hope that things could end up that way for us, if I'm being completely honest. So maybe that is part of the motivation.

On the other hand, when I'm not in daydreamy land, I'm not even sure I want to be with Mr. O anyway, even if we were in the same place. Our relationship was stressed, and his impending departure put pressure on it that both of us (and I have to say I was probably worse here, or more openly displaying it) didn't handle it well. We very well may not be right for each other. I would like to work some things out and maintain the friendship we had at the least, b/c I thought that was always strong, but I think a lot would have to change, for both of us, for a real romantic relationship to even work between us. And I don't know that he wants that and a lot times I'm no longer sure myself. Plus, with everything up in the air for so long between us, I keep thinking, well, if opportunity knocked in boyland, I just might answer the door. Lately I've even thought about actually, like, dating, wherever I end up going to school. I've always just hung out with people and ended up interested in someone or whatever, but I keep thinking, maybe I'd like to sample the dating scene, try to get past some of my shyness. So, I'm ambivalent now about Mr. O myself, and that ambivalence is what makes me say that I'm not even sure that he does factor into this picture at all. I mean, when I was writing up there all the things that make Emerson so enticing to me, it's like the Mr. O issue felt so....well, like a non-issue.

Another more clear-cut motivation that might be just as daydreamy and not down-to-earth is my childhood love of the Northeast and how I long for harsh winters, humid summers, fireflies, thunderstorms and the idea of New England (I was born in CT).

So, how does a person sort all this out? Might it be just as pathetic to not go somewhere b/c I'm afraid of how it would look? I'm sure it would.

So, I'm still thinking about it. Things have neatly fallen in place for me to visit the school. I got invited to possibly be part of a memoirists reading in NYC in November. It just happens that the big November weekend where I work (which most years, would be the same weekend as this NYC event) is the weekend before, leaving me free to go back east. It just happens that Edie has an extra day off that weekend I'll be in NYC, and says we can go back up to her place that Monday, to check out the city, and so I can visit the school. It just happens that Emerson has an Open House a few days later. It's all close enough to Thanksgiving that I could combine the NYC event and the school visit with a holiday with the family. Oh and yesterday, my boss said it'd be absolutely fine if I took all that time off, as we have almost no work at all while I'll be gone. Plane tickets back east are even disgustingly reasonable.

This could all really happen. I would like it to. I just wish, for convenience sake, that Mr. O was somewhere like Florida or Chicago, so his location woudln't enter into the equation and I wouldn't have to worry about my pride.

*

Note: Emerson, to my utter, astonishingly great surprise, was not discussed at all in Choosing the RIght College. Go figure.

Note #2: For anyone hoping for something a little more juicy from the title of this blog, a little girls gone wild or something, just you wait! If I do get into Emerson, I'll have to finance it somehow! Hahahaha, kidding. Sometimes I think if I wasn't so freakin' socially retarted still, I'd be a total flirt. Someday, someday.

As Chef on South Park would say, there's a time for everything, and it's called college.


Currently Listening:
"Like A Prayer" - Tori Amos' version

A Mishmosh of Other Notes

So, after further investigating UW's English department, I realized they really don't offer the array of writing classes I want. I'd spend most of my time there taking literature classes, which isn't necessarily terrible, but I want to be writing, and not just analytical, critical essays. I have three semesters left if all my credits transfer, and I don't want to have to put writing on hold for that long while I get my degree. What irks me to no end is that UW offers these "extension" programs aimed at the working adult, and they have extension classes in everything I want to take - memoir, creative non-fiction (as in articles and essays), screenwriting, genre fiction, literary fiction. Such a delectable selection! But of course, when I asked the English department, I found out that in no way can any of the extension classes be taken for credit.

The school isn't out of the question. I mean, they are well-respected academically, and tuition might be doable because I'm a state resident and I could get help from the Services for the Blind (for those unfamiliar, these blind-people agencies are state-run and vary considerably from state to state). It's also in a city, which is something I want, and to boot, a city I know pretty well. So, like I said, not out of the question, but I am looking elsewhere. I decided I'm going to aim to transfer next fall, which'll give me almost a year to thoroughly investigate schools, apply, save up money, prepare to move.

And the search continues. I think one of the best things is that I pretty clearly know what I want. I want to be somewhere with an array of writing classes in different styles and genres. I want to be somewhere with internship possibilities in publishing or teaching. I want to be somewhere urban. For one thing, living on my little island is making me a bit stir-crazy, emphasis on the crazy, but more importantly, since I don't drive, I want available public transit. I'm also way too old to live in a dorm (hated it when I was the right age), so somewhere where I can realistically commute to school. So, I'm continuing to look, do college searches, read up, and so on.


In the meantime, there's a screenwriting class being offered on the island. It runs from the end of Sept through the end of March, with a scene reading in April. The class is based on adapting Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods for the screen. I've never done screenwriting before, but have contemplated it for awhile. It scares me because it's so visual, and I'm visually-impaired, but then again, when I get story and book ideas, I always sort of see them like movies anyway. I think it could be challenging and great. It'll definitely be somethign to add to my writing resume, put on college applications, etc. This class is also supposed to be very rigorous, so it should give me a taste of what I'll be getting into with school.


All in all, my goals for the coming six-eight months or so:
-Write a screenplay based on A Walk in the Woods
-Research schools, apply, figure out where I want to be next year at this time
-Save money (I have about a grand now, which is about the most I've ever had, and this time I don't owe any outstanding phone bills or anything else I'm aware of). Gotta build on that as much as humanly possible, especially considering I live in a remote place that gets dead in the winter, and already my work hours are declining. Must brainstorm. Note to self: Topic for another blog.
-Finish revising my book and send it out to agents. Linda and I have changed our target date from the 15th of this month to the 30th. We each want to finish the next draft of our manuscripts by then, then exchange, read each other's, comment, return, make any changes (with some time in between there to get some fresh perspective), and then send out. I have those leads from the PNWA conference to start with.

And while I'm being ambitious, let me just say that this weekend I plan to:
-Clean my house
-Do laundry
-Make a big dinner (I often make big meals over the weekend, so I can heat 'em up quickly during the coming week when I'm working)
-Write up a proposal with different ideas for columns I could write for local newspapers
-Do a friend's astrological birthchart

As for today, I have a counseling appointment, a reunion with an old writing group that no longer meets, and work.

I'd better get going. I have a big chocolate lab who is going to be very pissed if I don't walk her soon!

Currently listening:
"The Song is Over" - The Who (God, I love this song, and the whole album, Who's Next?)

Choosing the Right College - Wrong for Me!

So, early this week I went to the local library to take out some books on colleges. I wanted books that had student perspectives. After all, you can only learn so much from a college's own website, where of course they only say all the good things about the school. I wanted something more in-depth and down to earth.

Well, there were only two college guides in the whole library and I checked them both out. One of them was Choosing the Right College. It was the 2006 edition, which has the word "Right" in red letters, which is apt.

I immediately flipped to the back of the book, expecting an index, so I could look up some of the schools I'm interested in. Instead of an index, there was a discussion of questions for students to ask while visiting colleges. At first it seemed inocuous - questions about what percent of classes are taught by TAs, and questions academic advising.

The next question struck me as a bit off. It was about asking whether there's a core curriculum - a list of courses that all students are required to take, or instead distribution requirements (meaning students must take, for example, two humanities classes, two social science classes, and so on, but are free to choose which classes within that area of study). In the explanation of the question, the book says, "Many colleges falsely state that they have a core curriculum when that is not at all the case. If [they say they do have a core curric], ask them how many choices exist within each disiplinary requirement. If the answer is more than one or two, there is no core curriculum worthy of the name."

That struck me as strange. I mean, why do they care? I'd much rather have the distribution requirements myself. I ALWAYS like choice. My thought was, well don't different approaches suit different students? I started to think the authors (not listed anywhere on the cover), might have some sort of agenda or slant.

I kept reading. There were questions about whether American history is a required class, because if not "it does reveal an administration lacking a commitment to foster in its students an understanding of our nation's past." Again, a bit here nor there. Maybe patriotic, but I think most people think American history is important.

Then I got to the section in this questions guide on "political atmosphere," which I thought was strange, to be included with much more typical, broader topics like Academics and Student Life. Here's where things got really wonky, and where I started to get pissed.

The first issue they bring up is, "Speech codes operating under the guise of sexual harassment codes." Now, let me tell you, I'm a pretty thorough person, there is a lot I want to know when looking into a school, but this is definitely NOT on the list! Never even ocurred to me. In the explanation of the issue, they talk about that in the 90s a lot of colleges instated "speech codes" to make sure people were politically correct. Then these codes were challenged, colleges lost court cases, so now may put these old speech codes into their sexual harassment policy, thus keeping the politically correct codes.

So, let's look at this a little bit. The FIRST issue in one of three major sections (political atmosphere) of inquiry into a college, is making sure it's okay to be politically incorrect? I mean, what the fuck? I just imagine prospective parents and teachers at an info session at a college, trying to make sure they can say "gaylord" and "bitch" or something, without getting in trouble. THAT's supposed to be a big concern?!

A sidenote here: I don't always agree with political correctness, because I think in a lot of cases, though it gives nicer phrases, a lot of times it shoves still-existing prejudices under the rug, and may not address those underlying prejudices. At the same time, it can give people a false sense that we are evolved and prejudice is taken care of, a thing of the past, and I don't believe that's true for a second. So, I think PC-ness can be a bandaid of sorts, but at least people are trying to be less hurtful, and aware of how words affect people. I think that is important. The fact that someone could think it's a major issue to make sure their kids don't have to be PC at college, is just completely absurd. What, they want to be sure it's okay for their kids to harass people, use racial slurs and commit hate crimes? I don't get it. And sorry, but I'd be a lot more concerned about what the actual policy is on sexual harassment (which if you ask me is a MUCH more serious issue than whether someone can open say faggot or something) and whether that is prevalent.

It got worse.

The next issue in this section was, "Ostracizing or punishing students for speakign their minds when they disagree with received acadmic opinion."

Now, in general, I'd agree that this is pretty important. I like to think for myself and think that, along with general critical thinking, are important skills students should develop in college. I think it's awesome when students learn to effectively communicate their viewpoint, even truly discover their viewpoint, watch it evolve, and assert themselves when necessary. So, on principle. I agree.

But then I read the explanation for thisi issue. Get a load of this: "Numerous examples exist of official harassment of students who voice dissenting opininions on matters ranging from the importance of feminist scholarship or the morality of affirmative action to questions of religious beliefs and sexual propriety. Beliefs associated with traditional virtues are sometimes ridiculed and even banned." Ehhhh, does that seem a little one-sided to anyone else? Again, it seems to me they want people to be free to speak their racist, sexist points of view. I guess college can be a pretty liberal place, and conservative students want to make sure they're not excluded, but I honestly think things at most schools are pretty moderate. When I went to school, there was a huge right-wing Christian influence, to the point where in one dorm, I felt ostracized for not being Christian - I got tricked into going to Campus Crusade for Christ open mic nights, had people at my door all the time, questions, confrontations. Anyway, my gripe with this whole part of the book is that it's so one-sided, there's no concern that students won't be ostracized for speaking their mind on the other side of these issues.

The next issue is about "literature courses that focus on topics other than great works of literature, such as...marginalized voices..."

Now that just outright pissed me off, because why do we always assume that the books by old, dead, white men are more important, and better, than those by women, blacks, asians, contemporary writers, and so on and so on and so on? Why should those old things have more literary value? I think that's bullshit. I went through and actually looked through the sections on some specific colleges and found even more of this kind of talk within discussions of particular schools. There were repetitious complaints about this and that school having classes on women writers, african-american lit, (referred to as "silly, grievance-inspired courses") and so on. There was one school I was reading about (and I wish I could remember the exact one so I could quote it here), and there was something about a tendency to focus on lower-quality minority literature and less on great works. Okay, author guy, your prejudice is really showing now.

For every school, there's a suggest core curriculum, because we all know now how horrible it is that schools don't have exact, choiceless core curricula anymore. A lot of them have things listed like, "No suitable course." The classes they do list usually include some greek philosophy, religion classes, and Bible as Literature/Bible as Scripture. Again, agenda showing, buddy! I think reading sacred texts is fine (honestly, I'd actually really like to take a Bible as Lit class, though I am not at all religious), but why ONLY the Bible? Why not the Koran? The Baghavad-Gita?

I guess even rigorous academics aren't great. Here's what they say about Princeton: "Academics at Princeton are quite rigorous. Talk to a student for ten minutes and he'll bore you with how many tests he has this week, how productive he was last night, and so forth." In other school descriptions, rigorous academics are applauded, so I sort of think this was just an attempt to make a dig at Princeton.

Another gem included this introduction to the part on NYU: "If going to a college nestled between gay bars and drug dealers bothers you, NYU is not your school." LOL!!! I mean, maybe it's true, the school IS in the Village, but really, that made me laugh. At another part in the NYU section, taking about its endowment and how other schools invested theirs in high-flying stocks in the 90s and NYU didn't, the book reads, "NYU followed a boring bond strategy..." Okay, like, what they did WORKED, and was successful, as the next sentence says, but they still have to put it down. THAT's what bothers me about this book, that everything is so slanted, that there are always qualifiers, opinions, derision, thrown in, instead of just the facts. Talk about Spin.

But here is my FAVORITE part. In that questions section in the back, there's a Student Life section, mostly full of questions about are bathrooms or dorm rooms coed, I found this question that people are supposed to ask prospective schools, "Is there any mandatory student orientation that exposes students to sexually explicit material or graphic explanations of sexual practices?" The explanation says that porn is "often shown" during orientation. WHAT?! I apparently missed out on the best part of orientation!!! Kidding, but seriously, I have NEVER heard of this. I think it's a scare tactic, another way to make students and parents think they're going to be marginalized for their so-called sexual propriety.

I mean, WHAT?!?!?! Were they at some frat party that they thought was orientation? Has ANYONE ever experienced this at mandatory orientation?! If on the off-chance this actually does happen somewhere, they can send me a list of these schools at...no, kidding again (sort of)! It's just toooooo absurd.

So, in conclusion, Choosing the Right (which I think they meant as opposed to left, instead of as opposed to wrong) College is totally wrong for me. I prefer much more straightforward information about schools, so I can make my own decisions. Luckily the other book they had at the library was The Insider's Guide to the Colleges, which is a lot more normal.

Currently Listening:
"The Grudge" - Tool