What the fuck is wrong with people?!

(Or, more simply, venting)

So, okay, awhile ago I signed up for this online dating site (OKCupid) kinda reluctantly at the suggestion of a friend. She had met some cool people on there so I kinda skeptically signed up and whatnot. After the first little bit where I got some really weirdo creepy interactions from some creepy dudes I pretty much stopped going, completely ignored the site and pretty much forgot about it. And then, sometime last week I got an email that some guy had msg'd me on there so I went and looked and he had a pretty cool profile. We seemed to be interested in a lot of the same things, he reads tarot, he likes Tori Amos which is a plus in my book, really seemed to be into good conversation, it was clear we were on the same page on a lot of topics, etc. So I was still feeling hesitant but I thought what the hell and wrote the guy back.

So he pretty much immediately gave me his number and asked to talk on the phone. I thought it was a bit odd only b/c we had barely communicated AT ALL. I'm new to dating sites but not to online interactions obviously (lots of time on a forum) and no one in all my experience has ever wanted to talk on the phone so immediately, not even the weird creepy dudes from OKC! And I wasn't really comfortable with it. I definitely, definitely can get a sense of people through writing, so I told the guy I'd like to chat on the site a time or two first. I wanted to get a basic sense of the guy. I do not think that's unreasonable.

Apparently he did. He wrote back that I needed to conquer my fear, he said something like, "identify the cause and fix it." That is total paraphrasing but you get the gist and then he said he'd call me today. It pissed me off. It made me feel like he wasn't listening at all, but I have also found that sometimes when I'm doing things like setting boundaries with people, I'm not as clear as I think I'm being, so I restated how I felt, and did it stronger, without being a jackass or aggressive, but firmly stating it. So anyway I had also told the guy I wasn't going to be around all weekend/yesterday because I had a huge exam last night I had to study for.

So I woke up this morning to this msg from him. He went off on this whole thing saying I don't know how to manage risk in interpersonal relationships and all this stuff about how he needs to see people in person ASAP and implying there's something wrong with me for not wanting that. I thought it was pretty rude. And he still said he is calling.

So my reaction is WTF?!?! I gave him a piece of my mind in return. I mean, really wtf??? I am so fucking pissed. Way to totally not respect my needs or boundaries, you know? The guy is acting like it would have killed him to not talk on the phone ASAP, to chat with me once or twice, and the fact that he twice said he's going to call me anyway when I've clearly said that I don't want him to?! WTF is wrong with people? I told him if he's this unwilling to do a simple thing or respect my boundaries, I have no time for that shit. I didn't say it quite like that, I wasn't rude or anything, but you know what, I was in a terrible situation a few years ago living w/someone and constantly catering to his needs and ignoring my own and maybe that situation did actually make me stronger, b/c I'll tell you, I'm not putting up with this shit.

I don't know if I'm overreacting. I am really fucking pissed. I am also super irritable lately for health-related reasons and so that's not helping matters, but I really, really don't think I was being unreasonable in this situation. I guess a part of me is worried that maybe I am, that maybe he's right about my inability to manage risk in interpersonal relationships or something. That part of me that always feels guilty for asking for ANYTHING for myself is activated, and the part of me that is lonely thinks that I shouldn't turn guys down b/c it's not exactly I get asked out and so maybe I should just go along with it.

But I also don't want people in my life who are going to be judgy like that and who can't take the time or energy to do a simple thing to respect my needs. I do a LOT for other people, you know? And I think it says a lot that he won't do a simple thing for me. It's hard to not feel like I am asking too much b/c I always feel like I am when I ask for anything, but fuck. I'm proud of myself for holding my ground, for not just going along w/what he wanted, and for expressing it in a way that was strong but not assy and at the same time it is a little uncomfortable b/c I'm not so used to this.

The thing is though, a few months ago, I had another dating encounter, in real life, that did not go so well either. I don't want to say much b/c there is one person on my facebook that may know the guy, but it didn't go well, in my opinion. Again the guy was really pushy and totally didn't listen to me. He'd probably be fine as a casual friend but I ended up really not having any interest in dating him or spending too much time w/him. He told me once that I have really clear boundaries, which was, for sure, the first time anyone EVER said that about me, lol. I am usually more on the doormat side of things, but trying hard to change that.

But god it makes me feel like such a BITCH. And it's not a comfortable feeling. It makes me feel a little crappy about myself, like I "do not play well with others," as the saying goes. I'm sooo used to being accommodating and doing what everyone else wants that it's really kind of difficult to be doing something different. It feels awkward and unfamiliar and does make me feel like a raving bitch. I think I feel like a raving bitch even when I'm just barely, barely, being assertive but still I feel it. Ugh, I guess it's just something to get used to. I am almost thirty, I can't be letting people walk all over me. I just can't. And if that makes me a bitch and means I don't play well with others and makes me "uncoupleable" to steal a word that a friend used recently, so be it, right? Still, it is just not so comfortable being in such unfamiliar territory.


Currently listening:
"Nothing to Say" - Soundgarden

Nothing, nothing, nothing but the one thing

Someone said my words are out of balance
Nothing to say, you've got nothing to say
Dying words, I bury everyday
Nothing to say, I've got nothing to say
Nothing but the one thing

You've got nothing, nothing to say

Nothing but the one thing

Big bad word, spell it with four letters
Nothing to say, you've got nothing to say
Oh my god, your words are out of balance
Nothing to say, you've got nothing to say
Nothing but the one thing
Nothing, nothing

You've got nothing, nothing to say

Nothing but the one thing

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

Okay, it's been forever or whatever...

...and I actually had a friend (who I don't get to talk to enough) email me asking if I was okay b/c my lack of blogging worried her. Really I have no good reason other than just being busy and pathologically inconsistent in some areas of life.

So, it's been over two months! Lots to update.

Travel:
Shortly after the last blog post, I went to this very impromptu weekend seminar in Salem. The seminar itself wasn't impromptu but my going was. I didn't even find out until the night before and just decided to go with it. It was for the NFB (National Federation of the Blind) of Oregon and I met some great people, learned some stuff and caused some trouble (talked three other blind people into finding a bar in a town that none of us were familiar with and ended up at this bar called The Pink Elephant with black&white checked floor and some drunk girl that gives really interesting dating advice in the bar bathroom - good times). I don't know what it is but sometimes I just have this irrepressible urge to cause trouble, stir up some mischief and this was a good outlet for that. And I will just leave it all at that...lol.

During Spring Break I went to Montana to take part in the Camp Eureka Snow Goose weekend. This was a weekend camp for blind kids to observe the migration of Snow Geese by sound. The geese stop very temporarily at an area called Freeze-Out Lake on their long migration north. They stop to rest and feed on nearby barley fields. When they take off from the lake to go to the fields, the sound they make is hard to describe. Underneath the snow goose chirpings, the beating of their wings as they prepare to fly almost sounds like a motor in the distance, and it ripples through the sky as if the geese are doing "the wave." It was a great experience to be part of, pretty magical, and so great to work with the kids. They were all girls, with varying degrees of interest in the topic. The youngest girl was a virtual expert on birds, especially geese. She could recognize so many bird calls! She pointed out the call of a trumpeter swan while we were trekking out to listen to the geese. Two of the campers had never spent the night away from their parents before. It was cool to be involved with working with them on independence skills as well. Also met some really great people that weekend.

And saving the best for last, I had an even more impromptu trip to Seattle a few weekends ago, to see SOUNDGARDEN at their first live show in over thirteen years (and my first SG show ever). I am still kinda shocked that that happened! I found out about it via a friend's facebook but wasn't sure the show was even real. This was the night before the show. I went to bed thinking, wow, I wish I could go to that and sure that there was no way. Then the next morning after I got home from class I was trying to find stuff online and it looked like the show would for sure go on that night. Then I got an email with a ticketmaster password and by some magic, actually got tickets. I texted my friend Kelly and asked if she wanted to go see Soundgarden that night. She was at work but her response was, "Hmmm let me think about it...YES" and she picked me up about an hour later. The show was AWESOME! I can't wait until they tour, and I may in fact be going to Lollapalooza in August again this year. I can't miss the Soundgarden/Chris Cornell party.

It was a total rockstar day because we drove there and back all in one day, and I had commitments throughout the rest of the weekend. Nothing like a rockstar trip like that to make you feel younger and more full of energy than you really are!

Moving:
When my lease ended at the apartment I moved into before school started, I looked for another place. The location was amazing - right downtown, two blocks from campus, but it was a tiny space that I felt like I was paying too much for, and there were a lot of maintenance problems. And living downtown was starting to get to me. There was just no relief from the noise, especailly at night when the #@#%$ street sweeper would be going at alllll freakin' hours of the night. Plus the rent was going to go up. So I found a new place. I now take the city bus to school (sometimes a few times a day) and live in this really nature-y area, just a few blocks from a nature trail. I have little back and front balconies (shared w/neighbors) and windows in every room, and I'm in a one-bedroom now. I am kind of in love w/my new apartment. There's a cute little dining area, hardwood floors in the living room and bedroom, lots of views of trees and it has a really good feel. The downside is it doesn't havemuch storage space (my old place did) so I find myself in desperate need of some furniture to deal with this. Overall though, I love it. I have a real kitchen now, instead of a closet (literally) at my old place. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot around my apartment except a hospital so I say I have traded nightlife for nature, and I am so glad I did.

School:
Lovin' it. Loving this term of biology. We're doing an overview of all the animal body systems, kind of like an Anatomy & Physiology crash course. It has definitely been the hardest material we've covered all year, but it is nice to be challenged. What can I say, I freakin' love it. I can't wait to take more bio classes and actually will be taking A&P next year. Since I will be full-time I can bring in the writing too and have signed up for a writing class in the fall. It's cool b/c the prof for it is the same prof whose class I sat in on when I visited PSU last year before my India trip, and I had all kinds of synchronicity with her and the class, all these little things that related to other things and I remember someone on here told me to pay attention to those things when making my college choice, so...coming full circle in a way.

I did sing "hold On' for my voice class, and it went okay but would've gone better if I hadn't been so nervous. What's cool is I am now taking voice lessons from the teacher, privately, now that the class is over, and her fee rate is so beyond reasonable! And we are now working on "China" by Tori Amos, which just totally floats my boat. I feel I am getting so much more out of this because it's one-on-one and all. I know I am getting better at pitch and clarity. It's still kinda nerve-wracking but oh well. If it doesnt' scare you at least a little, is it really worth doing??

This term for my "extra" class I am taking piano and loving that as well. I just love having my scientific, intellectual side and my musical, creative side fulfilled at the same time. The class got split into two groups - one that is going faster and one that is going slower - and I'm in the faster group which feels really good. I know I am keeping up and learning a lot, and my music-reading abilities are improving too. We have a recital in class on Friday, where we have to play in fornt of everyone. I am kinda psyched for it because I am doing this song called "Ocean Mist" which is in E minor (which the instructor described as the darkest) and I LOVE it. I am so much more drawn towards the minor chords and sounds. To me the song sounds like a dark northern ocean mist, not a California one at all. Love it.

There is a lot more I could talk about I'm sure, as it has been over two months, but I have to finish reading about the immune system (a chapter that has just raised sooo many questions in my mind) and go to bed. I've got that recital on Friday and a major exam on Monday to prepare for but I also had to stop in here and finally give some updates now that I am a bit more settled into my new apartment and finally have internet turned on there.

Currently listening:
"Mad World" - Alex Parks

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And the tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
Because I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Get to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher, what's my lesson?
She looked right through me, looked right through me

A nd I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
Because I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world