Or, what I did over my winter vacation.
I've actually been dying to blog about this but wanted to get some other things out of the way first. Like revamping it and updating it, for instance.
A few years ago, I wrote this post about my favorite winter memory, the second winter I spent living in the dispensary, a perfect cabin at Camp Orkila and how blissful that winter was, revelling in my connectedness to the natural world. I sometimes feel there aren't words for how satisfying in a soul way living there was to me. And it wasn't just the proximity to the ocean, the way I heard the owls and the creaking of cedar trees at night, or the thick woods I could walk through or even the months I lived there while having very little work, or all the great books I read, or the great company I had in my friend Tracy, or the walks by the coast.
Some of it was the house itself. I have lived a lot of places. I could romanticize a lot of them in memory. I'm a nostalgic kind of girl. But the dispensary was different. To me, it was perfect. It's really a cabin, all wood walls, and I just love the coloring and the light, it just really strikes something deep inside me and when I'm there, I feel like I'm sort of spiritually home. And it is not something that is only in retrospective nostalgia. I felt it the moment I first walked in, in late 2003. I remember it so clearly. The regular season at camp was over, there were only a few of us left and this girl who I didn't know too well was living there and she invited me to come over and so I went. When I got there she was on the phone and kept telling me she would be off soon and kept talking and I was just soaking up the surroundings, instantly struck with an affinity for the house, the adorable way the curtains hung on the windows, reminding me of some old camping trip or something. While I waited for her to get off the phone, I had a little notebook w/me and I took it out and wrote a poem about the house. If there is love at first sight, well maybe it felt a little like that. I am a place-lover anyway.
So all that to say, it's been years since I spent any extended time there, until a few weeks ago. I still don't know quite how it happened. I was planning on going to Orcas for the holidays, but was having some struggles arranging it, knowing where to stay, how to get there, and somehow it all fell into place. I took the train to Seattle, met with my buddy and writer friend/mentor Janet who drove to the islands, and some friends who are at camp this winter suggested staying in the dispensary. So I did.
It was blissful. In my heart of hearts it was exactly, EXACTLY what I wanted out of my winter vacation. It was like my own private writing retreat, and I desperately needed something to get me started. Something felt so comfortable there. I sat on the couch where I once read Mists of Avalon for a month, and wrote for three days. I slept in my old room, in my old bed and just tried to soak up every moment of being there. It looks a lot different, with different people's stuff there. In the summer, the house is the "health hut" so there were all these doctorly things in there, which just rocked my world of course, lol. In my bathroom there were all these anatomy charts on the walls. It was perfect.
My first night there, I got in late at night, dropped my stuff off and immediately walked by the ocean. I have missed the ocean. I have missed that stretch of ocean, even during all the years living on Orcas but off of camp, I have missed it. I have missed walking it alone. It had been probably close to five years since the last time I did that. It was weird. I used to do it all the time. I used to know all the trees and major logs and rocks. I used to walk there all the time. That got me through the early winter of 2004, which was my first winter on Orcas, and really hard, and really, really rewarding. I had so many insights and realizations and aha moments walking that shore. I walked in when I was sad, when I was working things out in my own mind, when I was caught up in grief, when I was inspired, when I was happy, and mostly when I was most deeply, really me. That shore, with its cold, softer Puget Sound waves, its inky dark water, its curved shoreline shape, its distant, unreal horizon, its other islands, its sky, became like a real, good, true friend to me and I loved it unequivocally. And knew it. There are so many experiences I could recount that took place there, like the time I went skinny-dipping in the middle of February and how gorgeously cold the water was, but most of the experiences were more internal, personally meaningful, subtle and intangible but palpable.
So it was weird to be back. Really weird. Disconcertingly weird at first. It made me think of that phrase, "you can't step in the same river twice." It was beautiful and somber as always. It was the same. I wasn't. I felt so viscerally the difference between me visiting and walking this ocean now from me who had walked and loved that ocean years ago. I don't know if this makes any sense, or even what it means, but the main feeling I got (aside from being a visitor now, rather than a regular part of that landscape as I felt before), was that I felt taller.
What? I don't know what that means. My actual height hasn't changed. If I felt heavier or bigger it would make at least some sense, but I just kept getting this unshakable feeling that I was taller than the last time I'd been there, alone, at night. It was such a strong, distinct and precise feeling, so unmistakable, but also so not actually true in reality. So I thought it might be symbolic, but of what? I don't know. I do think it meant something though.
I also felt like I couldn't re-enter that old self that used to walk that sea. Sometimes, I sort of do this thing, if I'm really hit w/nostalgia, where I can almost re-enter an older time. The almost part is painful, like it's just within my grasp, so almost there, but always not quite, just almost. In this state I can conjure up the old feelings like body memories and capture a sense or a "feeling" about the older time, something I never would have quite felt when I was in it because it's a sense or feeling colored in by memory. It's hard to explain. But I couldn't do it. I was so not the same person as I once was.
The distance felt so undeniable, an inarguable fact. I felt the distance and I felt like I was somehow more detached, more cynical maybe, though that doesn't quite describe it. Distant is really the word. The tide was out and I climbed up a huge rock that I always used to sit on. I sat there for awhile, thinking about what happened between back then and then. It made me feel sad, and I felt like I should have felt more profoundly sad, and on some level I did, but it felt like things were only getting to that level, and not to anything deeper.
It just got me contemplating, and thinking about how I haven't been writing much, for years. Not really. Not the way I used to. Not anything other than blogs or journal entries. No poetry. No stories. No memoir. When I start, I write for a few days and then I turn away and just don't want to go back to it. Something I've been sort of circling around for months now suddenly became crystallized.
I write because I don't want to feel.
And if I write, I will feel. And if I write, I will write about a particular situation and I don't want to feel one sliver of it. I don't. It was awful. I was in a horrible relationship - that is not to say the guy was horrible, I want to make that clear, and I was no saint either, not by far - but somehow the mixture of the two of us was destructive, to me anyway, in ways I couldn't see until after he left. What kills me, the part I have the hardest time with, is my part in it all, the fact that I betrayed myself. I betrayed myself every day, day in and day out, every day we lived together. I did it so much it became invisible and I stopped even seeing it. For whatever reason, of all the things that happened, THAT is the part I have trouble accepting and facing, that betrayal of self. I shut my mouth about what I thought. I didn't say anything when he would make these outrageously sexist comments that seriously offended me. I didn't say anything when he ridiculed things I believed in politically, I just stopped saying them, or pretended to agree, to keep the peace. And then there were the things that were actually directed at me, that I still would never want to say b/c I feel so awful that I didn't say anything. And those are just the surface-y things. It went so much deeper. I wasn't myself. I wasn't free to be myself. I've gone through a lot in my life, a lot of horrible shit in one way or another, and always I felt like there was some intrinsic, spiritual core inside me that survived, that sometimes was even enriched and deepened by loss in the right context, an inner guide of sort of led me through, and when things got really awful I would often have calming or sacred or healing experiences around nature. It always felt like that part of me didn't survive that relationship. Maybe because I suppressed it and abandoned it at every turn. I've felt really lost. Really afraid to feel. Ever since. It's been awhile now. I don't want to keep feeling that way.
And, sitting on that rock, I realized that continuing to not write is, in a way, just a continued betrayal. There are a million reasons not to write, but that, and the fact that it could be hard doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. All I know is, I feel like that story is inside me, screaming, clamoring louder and louder every day to be let out, to be put on paper so it can be real, so I can look at it and maybe see things I never saw, so I can write into truth that goes beyond what I consciously know, because that's what happens when I write, other ways of knowing surface, some sort of healing alchemy stirs into motion. And I always feel better after. Not always during writing difficult things, but I always feel better after. And a lot of times it's funny. I mean what can you do sometimes when things are really, really dark, how can you face that darkness without a way to laugh? So a lot of times it ends up funny in ways that surprise me, dark ways, ironic ways, funny ways that aren't really funny, not really because they're heartbreaking, but they're also funny. And laughter, like crying, is release. But most of all, when I'm writing, I am really, distinctly myself with all my complexities and not the face I put on for anyone else, or the self I put on in this shitty situation, but wholly myself. And it is terrifying! But also rewarding. So I decided for 2010 I am going to write. I am carving out the time. I don't know where it will take me, and I am really just writing for myself, longhand, but the point is, I am writing. At the moment I'm writing about writing, but still.
As I got off that rock and walked the sea back to the dock, I started thinking about an experience I had when I was living in the dispensary. One morning I woke up really early, just around dawn, and it was one of the most glorious mornings ever. I was in the middle of Mists of Avalon (which I will tell anyone, is a great book to read in winter, it just is). I was at this part where Morgaine, the main character who was trained as a priestess in goddess worship, who has sort of left behind her training to live in the world. Then, much later, at the point where I was reading that morning, she was reconnecting with her roots, rediscovering ley lines and the old ways. Something about the feeling and that morning was so infectious and filled me with this magical feeling like I too was waking up to something. It was winter, right before solstice, but there were some brilliant sunrise colors. I went on a walk through the woods to a place called Chapel Rock in the early light and just felt so inspired and connected to the natural world and like I was coming undone and blossoming inside myself.
Awhile later, when I left camp the first time and stopped living there, I was pretty heartbroken to leave. I feel like people never fully understand this because people are so used to loving people (which of course I do too) but I loved that land. Leaving felt like tearing a part of my heart out. I had never had a relationship with land quite like that and it really, really broke my heart to leave. I had my reasons, and I think they were good and wise, but really, really difficult. I was in mourning in the days leading up to my departure. And I remember my last day of work that time around, being there in the morning, and being really caught up in the mourning, thinking of all the things I was leaving, remembering fall mornings washing the lodge windows and seeing the brilliant colors of the trees, revisiting a tree I had once leaned on in a time of great sorrow, knowing my life wouldn't be quite the same after I left. And it wasn't. I always missed living there in fall and winter with a yearning that could cut through me, and years later, I still sometimes do. I was afraid I wouldn't be my true, in touch, soul-satisfied and whole self that I was while living there.
And I remember thinking that morning, as the hours slipped away, time feeling so unreal, that maybe it would be okay. Maybe we have to lose ourselves or just lose sometimes, so that we can have a morning of awakening like the one I'd had that winter morning, reading about Morgaine's. I even wrote something about it, because years ago, I wrote about that day. Let me go find it.
I’m a little worried still that I might just be numb, but then I think again, so what? Maybe it’s not so bad that we lose ourselves now and again, just so we can experience awakening. Maybe I will indeed have another day like that one in winter when I woke up so early with Mists of Avalon and couldn’t even contain my yearning for life in the wild early hours, when I felt acute and alive like the most divine lust. It’s never a straight path, there are so many spirals and levels that i’m sure there will be more euphoria mornings.
Okay, I must say, reading this years later, I am embarrassed by that last line, b/c it's a reference to Chris Cornell and it's kind of corny, and he sucks so bad now, but the words are perfect for the feeling.
So anyway, a few weeks ago, on the solstice and at night, walking back along the ocean, I was thinking kind of similar thoughts. Maybe it's okay if parts of us go underground for awhile. Maybe we need that for survival, even if it's surviving something that shouldn't be the way it is, something that needs to be changed. Survival always comes first. Sometimes those parts go underground because we need to live in the world, like Morgaine, and maybe that's okay because there is eventually if we allow it, the joy of rediscovery, awakening, coming home to ourselves. And it's somehow richer because there's some mettle behind it, if that makes sense. There's wisdom. There's life lived. Morgaine would have been pretty boring to read about if she had just stayed on Avalon, never joining the struggles of the world and living a human life.
It felt like that is what my journey to Orcas for the holidays was about. It was an inkling. It wasn't as vibrant or as innocent as the morning years ago, but it was a glimpse of how to dig up the buried parts, and for me, it's always primarily through writing and nature. So I'm writing.
I spent the next few days walking around, writing, soaking up the feeling of the dispensary, trying not to forget that thawing out and coming home may not be easy, but they are worth it. And now I'm back home in my new home, and I'm still writing. So, that's something. I guess I got what I wanted for the holidays, and I think I'd take this more difficult gift which might require some wrestling with over anything I could find in a store, any day, and especially in winter.
Speaking of, the lyric I used to title this blog is from a song that Tori does on "Midwinter Graces." And what shocked me is when I came home and had my own little holiday thing in my apartment, drinking hot chocolate and watching (yes, here we go again) the Christmas episode of Grey's (and I love, love, love, love it, one of my all-time favorite episodes, it's sooooo good) and another version of this same song was on there! Love it.
Currently Listening:
"Abnormally Attracted to Sin" - Tori Amos
mpeccable peccadillo
You are off your guard
Pussy will calls there by the church
"don't go in if you are
abnormally attracted to sin"
Abnormally attracted to sin
She may be dead to you
But her hips sway a natural kind of faith
That could give your lost heart
A warm chapel
You'll sleep in her bell tower
And you will simply wake
Abnormally attracted to sin
Abnormally attracted to sin
Impeccable peccadillo
I know who you are
Tales of longing sway
Lost without a verse
Hymns of swing lay low
there by the church
"don't go in if you are
abnormally attracted to sin"
Abnormally attracted to sin
She may be dead to you
Kind of faith that could give
Attracted to sin
To sin
To sin
Monday, January 4, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Gearing up for Winter 2010
Classes start on Monday! In one sense it feels like I've been on break forever, and in another it feels like it's all starting up again so soon.
My main class will be the continuation of the biology class I took last quarter. This time though, the focus will be on evolution for the first half of the term and plant form and function for the second half of the term. I'm excited for both, though I read somewhere that in the evolution section the students have to memorize phylogenetic trees (basically these charts with branches showing how closely or distantly different species are related based on their rRNA sequences) and that sounds a bit tedious. Still, I'm sure it will be interesting. And I'm psyched for plants, even though last quarter I felt like the chapter on photosynthesis was the one I had the hardest time really committing to memory and understanding. I just think it'll be really fascinating to learn more about how plants, trees, flowers, etc. work. The class will be split between a professor I never had before for the first half, and my professor from last quarter for the second half.
And lab should be really interesting too. I heard from a study partner who took this class last year that the labs are a lot more fun for this quarter of the yearlong class. And I heard from my prof. from last quarter that they are trying some new labs and that sounds like it'll be exciting and fun. I will have my lab assistant again this coming quarter, and a different TA. I'm glad I have it during the week this time around, instead of Saturday afternoons, b/c it meant I could never take off for the weekend or anything, but I did get used to it, and hope I'll get used to having my Wednesday afternoons spent in lab instead.
For anyone who read this post about a course sign-up dilemma that led me to consider taking a singing class, I signed up for it! So I will be taking voice right after Bio lets out, and must say that I'm really looking forward to it. I have wanted to do this for soooo long, and always had trouble finding a way to make it happen, so I am going to soak it up!
At that point I was at 7 credits, and I have to stay at 8 (or under, but not above), so I had one more spot left for a one-credit class, and I decided to take another leap into something I've been wanting to do for awhile - I signed up for a self-defense class. I actually had to go out and find some workout clothes because the only thing I had was from when I was much smaller and definitely no longer fit. It's definitely the class I'm most nervous about. Traditionally, gym classes have been pretty hard for me visually. The human body is an intricate thing and it's just hard for me to see the exact movements that the teacher is modeling, and I'm not too well coordinated or adept at phys ed stuff. It's just not my forte. In fact sometimes in the past taking this kind of class has been downright traumatic and just incredibly difficult and painful.
So I am nervous about it, and trying not to indulge an urge to opt out before I even experience the first class. I'm trying to remind myself that I have taken yoga classes on Orcas, and did gymnastics as a kid and dance lessons in India, so, there is hope. And I've contacted the instructor ahead of time, hoping to find a time to meet and just touch base about my disability. I think it will be a good class, and definitely an important skill to have. I mean I'm a visually-impaired girl walking around downtown in a city by myself a lot. And I like to feel free to do whatever I want, and sometimes that includes going to visit people or places that aren't so close to me and drinking and then coming home on the bus and walking late at night. I mean, I do this anyway, but I would like to feel like I have some skills to protect myself if I ever encounter a scary situation. Especially since I am no longer so into the idea of getting a guide dog.
All in all, I'm looking forward to the new quarter.
Currently Reading:
Day Breaks Over Dharamsala - Janet Thomas - will definitely have more to say about this book as I go along, and as its author begins marketing. It will soon be widely available but for now I think is only at Griffin Bay Books in Friday Harbor, WA, or available directly from the author. So I am going to wait to say more until I can help promote it, because this is a total brilliant masterpiece of real human life.
The Real Grey's Anatomy - Andrew Holtz - I don't know how I happened upon this book, but I guess that is the magic of Powell's Books. This book also isn't out yet, the copyright says 2010 and what I have is a copy that says "Uncorrected Proofs for Limited Distribution/NOT FOR SALE," yet I found it for sale at a discounted price. In the book, the author, a medical journalist, follows the real lives of surgical interns, and has millions of references to lines and scenes from the show, which just tickles me. The coolest part is the surgical interns and residents he follows are here in Portland at OHSU, so it has a local flavor (also cool since Grey's takes place in Seattle, so both have the Pacific Northwest in common). The book doesn't even have a real cover, just a yellow dummy cover. I think it's cool. And it is true that it's uncorrected, I've found errors and I've only read the first few pages so far. This author also wrote a book called The Medical Science Behind House, M.D. but (maybe surprisingly) I haven't read that yet.
Currently Listening:
"Life is Short" - Butterfly Boucher - love this song, from the Pilot episode of Grey's.
When it doesn't rain, it snows
Yeah the cookie crumbles, but in whose hands?
All things said and all things done
Life is short
Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Life's too short
Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, Could this be
The day I've waited for?
Another door to peak in through
The floor is filthy but the couch is clean
At the end of the day, it's another day gone
Life is short
Oooh, life is short
Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, could this be
The day I've waited for?
Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Oh I am young but I have a past
Travelled far to find the start
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt
But life is short
Oh, oh could this be
Oh, oh could this be
The day I've waited for?
My main class will be the continuation of the biology class I took last quarter. This time though, the focus will be on evolution for the first half of the term and plant form and function for the second half of the term. I'm excited for both, though I read somewhere that in the evolution section the students have to memorize phylogenetic trees (basically these charts with branches showing how closely or distantly different species are related based on their rRNA sequences) and that sounds a bit tedious. Still, I'm sure it will be interesting. And I'm psyched for plants, even though last quarter I felt like the chapter on photosynthesis was the one I had the hardest time really committing to memory and understanding. I just think it'll be really fascinating to learn more about how plants, trees, flowers, etc. work. The class will be split between a professor I never had before for the first half, and my professor from last quarter for the second half.
And lab should be really interesting too. I heard from a study partner who took this class last year that the labs are a lot more fun for this quarter of the yearlong class. And I heard from my prof. from last quarter that they are trying some new labs and that sounds like it'll be exciting and fun. I will have my lab assistant again this coming quarter, and a different TA. I'm glad I have it during the week this time around, instead of Saturday afternoons, b/c it meant I could never take off for the weekend or anything, but I did get used to it, and hope I'll get used to having my Wednesday afternoons spent in lab instead.
For anyone who read this post about a course sign-up dilemma that led me to consider taking a singing class, I signed up for it! So I will be taking voice right after Bio lets out, and must say that I'm really looking forward to it. I have wanted to do this for soooo long, and always had trouble finding a way to make it happen, so I am going to soak it up!
At that point I was at 7 credits, and I have to stay at 8 (or under, but not above), so I had one more spot left for a one-credit class, and I decided to take another leap into something I've been wanting to do for awhile - I signed up for a self-defense class. I actually had to go out and find some workout clothes because the only thing I had was from when I was much smaller and definitely no longer fit. It's definitely the class I'm most nervous about. Traditionally, gym classes have been pretty hard for me visually. The human body is an intricate thing and it's just hard for me to see the exact movements that the teacher is modeling, and I'm not too well coordinated or adept at phys ed stuff. It's just not my forte. In fact sometimes in the past taking this kind of class has been downright traumatic and just incredibly difficult and painful.
So I am nervous about it, and trying not to indulge an urge to opt out before I even experience the first class. I'm trying to remind myself that I have taken yoga classes on Orcas, and did gymnastics as a kid and dance lessons in India, so, there is hope. And I've contacted the instructor ahead of time, hoping to find a time to meet and just touch base about my disability. I think it will be a good class, and definitely an important skill to have. I mean I'm a visually-impaired girl walking around downtown in a city by myself a lot. And I like to feel free to do whatever I want, and sometimes that includes going to visit people or places that aren't so close to me and drinking and then coming home on the bus and walking late at night. I mean, I do this anyway, but I would like to feel like I have some skills to protect myself if I ever encounter a scary situation. Especially since I am no longer so into the idea of getting a guide dog.
All in all, I'm looking forward to the new quarter.
Currently Reading:
Day Breaks Over Dharamsala - Janet Thomas - will definitely have more to say about this book as I go along, and as its author begins marketing. It will soon be widely available but for now I think is only at Griffin Bay Books in Friday Harbor, WA, or available directly from the author. So I am going to wait to say more until I can help promote it, because this is a total brilliant masterpiece of real human life.
The Real Grey's Anatomy - Andrew Holtz - I don't know how I happened upon this book, but I guess that is the magic of Powell's Books. This book also isn't out yet, the copyright says 2010 and what I have is a copy that says "Uncorrected Proofs for Limited Distribution/NOT FOR SALE," yet I found it for sale at a discounted price. In the book, the author, a medical journalist, follows the real lives of surgical interns, and has millions of references to lines and scenes from the show, which just tickles me. The coolest part is the surgical interns and residents he follows are here in Portland at OHSU, so it has a local flavor (also cool since Grey's takes place in Seattle, so both have the Pacific Northwest in common). The book doesn't even have a real cover, just a yellow dummy cover. I think it's cool. And it is true that it's uncorrected, I've found errors and I've only read the first few pages so far. This author also wrote a book called The Medical Science Behind House, M.D. but (maybe surprisingly) I haven't read that yet.
Currently Listening:
"Life is Short" - Butterfly Boucher - love this song, from the Pilot episode of Grey's.
When it doesn't rain, it snows
Yeah the cookie crumbles, but in whose hands?
All things said and all things done
Life is short
Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Life's too short
Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, Could this be
The day I've waited for?
Another door to peak in through
The floor is filthy but the couch is clean
At the end of the day, it's another day gone
Life is short
Oooh, life is short
Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, could this be
The day I've waited for?
Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Oh I am young but I have a past
Travelled far to find the start
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt
But life is short
Oh, oh could this be
Oh, oh could this be
The day I've waited for?
Friday, January 1, 2010
"Nothing Changes, On New Year's Day"
Okay actually, though I like that U2 lyric and think it's true, I also believe it's not. I just wanted to say that before plunging into my 2009 Year in Review. The numerologist in me believes in the cycle of the personal years. For a brief overview of what that's about by a numerologist I really appreciate, check out Angelwood Consulting because it rocks and gives a brief overview of the years and how to figure out which one you're in. I'm now in the 9 year (the last of the cycle) and have known about this since the last time I was in a 9 year, and it has been remarkably accurate, in a tenuous, not quite tangible way that these sorts of things often are. So I do believe there are shifts with the new year, and I am a big believer in setting intentions, and that doing so can be amplified by these more esoteric forces. So the fact that new year falls on a full moon, blue moon, lunar eclipse, makes it seem especially auspicious for setting clear intentions. I think these energies are worth tuning into.
Also, since we're on the metaphysical subject, if you want to read a really detailed (and in my opinion a bit too verbose - and coming from the queen of long-windedness, that says something) prediction for January with some attention to the rest of the year, check out Susan Miller's AstrologyZone. Her predictions are so in-depth, and the few I've read (or had read to me by friends) for this coming month, are INTENSE! What a transformational time, between two eclipses. So check it out and milk whatever cosmic connections are headed your way.
And I just must say one more thing briefly before going into this survey, which is wtf has happened to the world since NYE? I mean, I thought it was just me, or my street or neighborhood. It's been ridiculously loud at night ever since NYE. I mean at first it was kind of expected, the screaming and the fireworks and all that, but it's still going on (well not the fireworks but the screaming). That and people driving by with really loud music just BLASTING. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it one bit. I lived too long on a quiet island. I love being in the throes of the energy. But something is definitely up. And aside from the noise issue, I haven't been sleeping well at all. Then today (Jan 4), I saw a post from my friend Trish on Bainbridge Island that no one is sleeping there either, and others replied saying they were having the same experience. 2010 is not coming in quietly.
And as for 2009, here goes: (Side note to Samsara/Leo: just because I'm late with my survey doesn't mean you're getting out of it. Start answering.)
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Since I spent three months in India, it seems the list to answer this question is endless: left the continent, traveled overseas, had rice beer, traveled with a group of people I'd never met before, hiked in the Himalayas, experienced Holi, had pink hair accidentally, took dance lessons, hung out on Indian rooftops, saw monkeys, experienced the border ceremony between India & Pakistan, rode rickshaws (cycle and auto), rode in vehicles that drive on the left side of the road, went three months without wearing a seatbelt in the craziest driving conditions ever, was bitten by a dog, had my shoes stolen, ate in a rotating restaurant, got a tattoo (in a group) in a foreign country, on impulse in Calcutta no less, ate street food, walked down "gnarly street," went three months without my music, visited monasteries, went on road passes that were 14, and then 18,000+ feet in elevation, went to a rest stop where I was literally peeing on frozen pee (at the pass), had another person (KAREN) ask me to take a picture of her peeing on frozen pee, told my life story in a group, saw someone (BEN) kill a chicken, visited remote villages, rode a toy train which included standing for six hours and at one point during that time sitting on my daypack and falling asleep leaning on a stranger's leg, ate food cooked over cow patties, drank butter tea, used "eastern" toilets, visited hindu temples, sikh temples, mosques, went to Hindi class, drank a bhang lassi (and later told my former college RA who's traveling in India where to get bhang lassis and got her hooked), saw pot growing outside the Taj Mahal, saw the Taj Mahal, and the GOLDEN TEMPLE, went on a jeep trip at 4 in the morning to see a sunrise that didn't really happen, listening to Peacock (or really, Smokey) on the way there, fell asleep on an airport floor and on my pack in a train station, gave away hiking boots for a flute for someone else (WILLA), ate nutella, watched someone run right into a pole (HILARY) during a scavenger hunt in Delhi, had black boogers from so much smog in the more urban parts of India, went to massage class, took Reiki lessons, ate mediterranean food, met Mr. Jordan and Mr. Sikkim, had a driver who people said looked like Snoop Dogg who drove our group through treacherous terrain and weather and was ultra sexy when he drove, saw cows, goats, dogs, cats and lots of other animals just chilling in the street, ate paneer, used a digital camera, was bitten up by leeches!
I'm sure there is so much I'm not even thinking about at the moment. The places and the people of that trip will always hold such a huge piece of my heart. By far the best thing I could have done. It's one of those things that if I had known, really known how hard it would be, I probably wouldn't have gone, so it's a really good thing I didn't know, because I'm so, so glad I went.
Now, there are some other new experiences unrelated to India that I should also include: lived in a friend's basement for two weeks, met a long-time internet friend after knowing for years and not meeting, took out student loans, went to school part time, took biology in a college setting, went to school totally on my own promptings and desires, lived in a studio apartment, had a 4.0 for a term, read every word of assigned reading (that is a big-time first, lol), put together a couch (it came in two boxes as 45 pieces of wood, tools, directions, gloves and a sander, and it was awesome to "build" it), went to a strip club, went to the rodeo, saw yellowstone and mount rushmore and crazy horse and south dakota's black hills (not to mention Wall Drug), took a camping road trip, rode a streetcar, lived in a downtown setting, went out for a drink before class, went a whole term without skipping a single class, watched all of My So-Called Life. And again, I'm sure there are lots more firsts I'm not thinking of at the moment.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really do regular "resolutions" because when I think of those, they're usually restrictive ("I won't eat chocolate," "I'll exercise every day") that are just impossible and no fun to fulfill. Instead I like to think about goals or wishes. So in looking at what I wrote down last year, I stuck to a good percent of it - applying to school and starting this year, getting new glasses (my old ones were a shitpile), and writing Morning Pages (from Artist's Way). I wasn't perfect on that one, but a lot more consistent than in previous years, and was very daily about it for a large portion of my time in India. Another goal I set was to be more in touch with my spirituality, which still feels lacking, but I felt in touch in India, and at other times throughout the year. As for the wishes, one was for clarity and ease in transitioning to school and moving, and I think that's been good, one was for romance (always) which was completely 100% non-existent for me in 2009. The other wish I made was I guess somewhat fulfilled.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one really close, but my friend and roommate Jeri from the NFB convention is due soon, I believe.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Knock on wood. It really, really freaks me out that I've been spared in terms of having people close to me die. Other than my grandmother, it's just something I haven't dealt with much, not for me personally anyway, and it always makes me feel like at any moment that is going to change, like all this time going without experiencing that kind of loss is going to build up so the universe can deliver some huge wollops. Either that or I'll die young or something. Yeah, it scares me.
5. What countries did you visit?
India and the Hong Kong airport.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Romance (always). A hot lover. A part-time job I love. Oh and a different apartment where I can actually control the heat and don't feel like I'm living in a fucking sauna and wasting energy by the bucketful by keeping my windows open (I'd suffocate if I didn't) and don't wake up feeling like all the water has been leeched from my body. (Aside from that, I'm really happy with my place). Yeah I definitely want to move when my lease is up. My location is AWESOME but my rent price is too high and my place is too small, but the heat thing is what gets me more than those other issues, big time.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
In random order:
Feb 12th - flight to India.
May 7th - return from India.
Sept 26th - signed my lease & saw Pearl Jam.
August 7-9 - Lollapalooza.
Sept 28 - school began.
Dec 7 - school ended (well, the day of my final).
Aug 25 - a nice walk in a park w/a friend.
Sept 23 - the day I left Orcas.
July 2-9 - NFB convention in Detroit.
July 4 - my roommate at the convention (who was also pregnant) had a major diabetic emergency and I went w/her to the hospital (she and the baby were fine, thank god, but it was very scary - at first the paramedics couldn't get her to respond at all and the way they were talking I thought I might actually watch someone die - second time in my life I've had that fear - it was at a point where, "either this is going to work or nothing will - so fucking scary). After we got back we had to switch rooms b/c they had such trouble putting in her IV that there was blood and needles all over the floor.
Dec 21-24 - stayed at my old favorite home, the dispensary at Camp Orkila, walked my old beaches, stayed in my old room and for three days felt reconnected to a very happy time in my memory.
June 19 - last day of work at Camp Orkila kitchen for good.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving India, rocking biology. Making the decision to go to school even after obstacles arose and other opportunities seduced me into having such serious second thoughts that I really thought I would put it off for another year.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not speaking up for myself, not being real with people out of fear, keeping secrets and hiding and running away from anything of intensity (and a few things that were just awkward) out of fear. I really want to change these things about myself. I drive myself fucking crazy, I swear. Not writing memoir.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Anything bad?
No. Knock on wood again for this one, I was remarkably healthy this year, which is surprising considering I spent a part of it in a third world country where lots of people get sick. My only real complaint was constipation, and getting bitten by a dog.
11. What were the best things you bought?
I'm going to mimic Tara's answer (I copied this survey from her) and say, does my tuition count? Also, plane ticket to India, for sure. And my couch. Also, a desk! I bought it very synchronistically from a friend from Orcas who's also living in Portland. I was in desperate need of a desk for school and when I went to her house for dinner, found she was really trying to get rid of one and having no luck on Craigslist. I love when life works out like that. Some cool clothes, including some dresses (which will make some people reading this fall over with shock, I'm sure). Some AWESOME lamps. Oh and Grey's Season 5 DVD - I freaking LOVED season 5. And lots of great books.
But probably the thing that has made the biggest impact (and wow I'm a dork), is a dock for my iPod for my bathroom. It's so small, the sound isn't great, but it has made such an impact on my daily life. I feel so much happier while getting ready for the day and sometimes I sit in the bath, reading and listening to music and thinking that life is almost momentarily perfect.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Stealing from Tara again: I feel like I say the same thing every year, but my friends are always doing such amazing things and making such amazing strides, I can't help but celebrate them. More specifically (this is me now): Willa and Maryam for sticking through tough situations at their job or program through to the end and making sure to get something better once their situations were over, all my study group people for being awesome and making studying for biology even more fun with their humor, funny stories, great minds, disgusting medical stories and references to The Office, Mandy my lab assistant, Clarkie for livin' the dream, Edie for taking all the necessary steps to venture out there and make the world a better place at the same time. Janet, for not only writing a brilliant, heartfelt, ironic, wise, deep, activist, fierce, loving memoir, but also for really respecting the writing and the book in a way that I admire in her path to making it complete and published. Linda for writing the crap out of her new novel PURE, which to me feels important and precise and masterful.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people.
14. Where did most of your money go?
OMG rent ($$$!) and tuition ($$$!) and cell phone and other bills and my textbook, bus pass, etc. And the India trip (though I barely spent anything while there).
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
INDIA, going to school, Portland.
16. What song/s will always remind you of 2009?
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A. (and it's playing right now!), whatever that "clouds above" song is that Willa and Graham were always playing in India, Joshua Radin, and I'm sure tehre's more but it's hard to really know until time has passed, and you hear a song and it gives you that nostalgia feeling.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Probably happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! For sure! Going from working, even if it wasn't quite year-round, to taking out student loans, well, the math is pretty simple.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, blogging, flirting, reading, playing my (digital) piano, being in nature, being more authentic. Mostly writing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hedging, letting fear paralyze me, suppressing how I really feel, trying to please everyone else at my own expense, watching TV to avoid things.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Friday Harbor with Janet and a great group of her neighbors and friends.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.
22. How many one-night stands?
None
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, House and The Office. This summer was torture on all three fronts. Oh and My So-Called Life was so great to watch all the way through - what a smart, real and in a lot of ways brave show. I also found this old show from a few years ago that only lasted one season called Medical Investigations, which is all right, though I must say that House makes a MUCH better genius asshole than MI's main character and makes a much more likable character.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Kind of. Not really hate though, just pissy.
26. What was the best book you read?
Snow Falling on Cedars - so, so good, and about a fictional place that in reality is so close to where I called home. Wuthering Heights was surprisingly great to finally read. Oh, and someone from my study group recommended a book called What I Learned in Medical School, which is a collection of personal memoir essays from non-traditional medical students (single moms, refugees, a descendent of holocaust survivors, students with Tourette's, sickle-cell anemia, OCD, etc). It was a perfect mixture of things I like to read about - the real life stories of real people, medical stuff, and had a huge social justice element. On Friday I'm passing it on to my blind naturopathic physician friend. I devoured that book and read the first half on my recent train to Seattle on my way to Orcas. I have just started a book that I know will make this list for 2010 - Day Breaks Over Dharamsala by Janet Thomas.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am disgustingly hooked on the Grey's soundtracks. Some favorites include Joshua Radin, Butterfly Boucher, Kendall Payne, Rilo Kiley, Psapp, Regina Spektor, Jem, Snow Patrol. Also want to include the songs that my friend Kelly's daughter got me hooked on during our cross country camping travels by Rise Against and The Darkness. Also, this is so NOT new b/c I've loved Tori since just after Christmas 2002, but I really LOVE her new albums Abnormally Attracted to Sin (and freaking love that title) and Midwinter Graces (love that title too, makes me think of Mists of Avalon).
28. What did you want and get?
Again, stealing Tara's answer because it's true: A sense of purpose and intellectual fulfillment. I guess the former I sort of had, but the latter was sorely lacking. (Okay, me again): A decent living situation very close to campus, the excitement and anonymity and pulse of living in Portland, a visit to the ocean, a stay in the dispensary.
29. What did you want and not get?
Boys. A guide dog (though I am honestly still really on the fence on whether or not I want one).
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Slumdog Millionaire, Where the Wild Things Are (just saw it two nights ago).
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28 (in fact, about two weeks ago, someone said to me for the first time, "You're pushing thirty." Aaaah!) I was here in Portland, visiting schools, and spent my birthday evening with Kelly and Elynn at the Sapphire Hotel and it had all this cool lighting and we had to use little flashlights to see the menu and ate some kind of dish with squash in it which made the whole thing just about perfect. Kelly & family gave me a pretty funny card that somehow ended up in my tarot bag and came with me to India, and when I needed a connection to my world back home, I would pull it out. Overall, it was a very cool birthday and not too out of control. Will have to get crazier for 29 :) which is barely a month away (again, aaaaah!). I'm gettin' old.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More courage.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
"If it's not colorful and artistic and pleasing to my own unique sense of aesthetics and expressive and also really hot, I'm not interested." I wore a lot of purple, pink, red and green and a lot of outfits that would inspire comments like House's towards Cuddy. You know, I've gained weight, in interesting proportions and as a friend of mine says when you have bigger boobs there are really only two options, dress real frumpy to cover yourself or show it off, and I vote for the latter so my attire borders on the "come fuck me" side of things. I jokingly told a friend yesterday that my goal is to be a hardcore science nerd who dresses like a tramp, lol. I'm exaggerating of course, but still. Just doing my part to debunk the whole notion that girls are either smart or sexy and not both.
34. What kept you sane?
Good friends, music, long baths in my awesomely deep tub in my new apartment, good books, having a few days to be in the dispensary, on the Orkila beach and in the woods. Nature plays a big part in keeping me sane, if sanity is really what this is. It disturbs me a little that that always seems to be a question.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I always have a thing for Maynard, and always have the hots for Derrick Jensen's writing, so those two always have a place in my answer. Oh and I wanted to take reeeeally inappropriate pictures with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Obama at an inauguration party on Orcas last January, LOL just because it would be so wrong. Mostly instead of celebrities I just lust after fictional characters, like Alex from Grey's.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Universal health care.
37. Who did you miss?
It would be a much shorter list to ask who I don't miss. So many of my friends are long-distance. Special shout out to Tracy, Leo, Caren, my India peeps, Maryam, Clarkie, Edie, Claire, Forest, Elynn, all the people I didn't get to see on my recent trip to Orcas, and many, many, many more.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My study group - Alicia, Ryan & Scott. My India group - Hilary, Willa, Desmond, Nina, Ben, Andrew, Karen, Graham. Though not exactly "new" in terms of knowing a person, meeting Aaron was very awesome. Also have to include Katie O, Donna and Gaza - probably the coolest people I met at Orkila this year.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Doing what scares the fucking daylights out of you is one of the most valuable things you can do, and it is a LOT easier said or contemplated than done. Also, it is good to keep the wild part of you alive and well, the reckless childlike part that wants to run across the streets or roll down hills or have pillow fights - it's good to indulge that sometimes, keep yourself young and vital and alive the way children are - passionately, intensely, vibrantly and full of awe.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Gotta go with this one, this song was in my head so much during my trip.
"I have ended up in India, ohhhh
With no map to guide me home'
The strangest place I think I've ever been."
~Kendall Payne, from "Scratch"
Currently Listening:
"Always in My Head" - Psapp - I must say I have no idea what this song is supposed to be about, has almost a disjointed, almost psychedelic but in a subdued way sort of feel.
One step just behind me
One stretches out ahead
Some walk just beside me
Some already dead
I fumble with time, keep walking
Just beside me
I want to watch the tread
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Pace that quickens now to breaking point
I sprint across and here we are
I'm running up ahead and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
So step just behind me
You're stretching out ahead
We walk just beside and
We're already dead
I'm dancing in the light and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Also, since we're on the metaphysical subject, if you want to read a really detailed (and in my opinion a bit too verbose - and coming from the queen of long-windedness, that says something) prediction for January with some attention to the rest of the year, check out Susan Miller's AstrologyZone. Her predictions are so in-depth, and the few I've read (or had read to me by friends) for this coming month, are INTENSE! What a transformational time, between two eclipses. So check it out and milk whatever cosmic connections are headed your way.
And I just must say one more thing briefly before going into this survey, which is wtf has happened to the world since NYE? I mean, I thought it was just me, or my street or neighborhood. It's been ridiculously loud at night ever since NYE. I mean at first it was kind of expected, the screaming and the fireworks and all that, but it's still going on (well not the fireworks but the screaming). That and people driving by with really loud music just BLASTING. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it one bit. I lived too long on a quiet island. I love being in the throes of the energy. But something is definitely up. And aside from the noise issue, I haven't been sleeping well at all. Then today (Jan 4), I saw a post from my friend Trish on Bainbridge Island that no one is sleeping there either, and others replied saying they were having the same experience. 2010 is not coming in quietly.
And as for 2009, here goes: (Side note to Samsara/Leo: just because I'm late with my survey doesn't mean you're getting out of it. Start answering.)
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Since I spent three months in India, it seems the list to answer this question is endless: left the continent, traveled overseas, had rice beer, traveled with a group of people I'd never met before, hiked in the Himalayas, experienced Holi, had pink hair accidentally, took dance lessons, hung out on Indian rooftops, saw monkeys, experienced the border ceremony between India & Pakistan, rode rickshaws (cycle and auto), rode in vehicles that drive on the left side of the road, went three months without wearing a seatbelt in the craziest driving conditions ever, was bitten by a dog, had my shoes stolen, ate in a rotating restaurant, got a tattoo (in a group) in a foreign country, on impulse in Calcutta no less, ate street food, walked down "gnarly street," went three months without my music, visited monasteries, went on road passes that were 14, and then 18,000+ feet in elevation, went to a rest stop where I was literally peeing on frozen pee (at the pass), had another person (KAREN) ask me to take a picture of her peeing on frozen pee, told my life story in a group, saw someone (BEN) kill a chicken, visited remote villages, rode a toy train which included standing for six hours and at one point during that time sitting on my daypack and falling asleep leaning on a stranger's leg, ate food cooked over cow patties, drank butter tea, used "eastern" toilets, visited hindu temples, sikh temples, mosques, went to Hindi class, drank a bhang lassi (and later told my former college RA who's traveling in India where to get bhang lassis and got her hooked), saw pot growing outside the Taj Mahal, saw the Taj Mahal, and the GOLDEN TEMPLE, went on a jeep trip at 4 in the morning to see a sunrise that didn't really happen, listening to Peacock (or really, Smokey) on the way there, fell asleep on an airport floor and on my pack in a train station, gave away hiking boots for a flute for someone else (WILLA), ate nutella, watched someone run right into a pole (HILARY) during a scavenger hunt in Delhi, had black boogers from so much smog in the more urban parts of India, went to massage class, took Reiki lessons, ate mediterranean food, met Mr. Jordan and Mr. Sikkim, had a driver who people said looked like Snoop Dogg who drove our group through treacherous terrain and weather and was ultra sexy when he drove, saw cows, goats, dogs, cats and lots of other animals just chilling in the street, ate paneer, used a digital camera, was bitten up by leeches!
I'm sure there is so much I'm not even thinking about at the moment. The places and the people of that trip will always hold such a huge piece of my heart. By far the best thing I could have done. It's one of those things that if I had known, really known how hard it would be, I probably wouldn't have gone, so it's a really good thing I didn't know, because I'm so, so glad I went.
Now, there are some other new experiences unrelated to India that I should also include: lived in a friend's basement for two weeks, met a long-time internet friend after knowing for years and not meeting, took out student loans, went to school part time, took biology in a college setting, went to school totally on my own promptings and desires, lived in a studio apartment, had a 4.0 for a term, read every word of assigned reading (that is a big-time first, lol), put together a couch (it came in two boxes as 45 pieces of wood, tools, directions, gloves and a sander, and it was awesome to "build" it), went to a strip club, went to the rodeo, saw yellowstone and mount rushmore and crazy horse and south dakota's black hills (not to mention Wall Drug), took a camping road trip, rode a streetcar, lived in a downtown setting, went out for a drink before class, went a whole term without skipping a single class, watched all of My So-Called Life. And again, I'm sure there are lots more firsts I'm not thinking of at the moment.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really do regular "resolutions" because when I think of those, they're usually restrictive ("I won't eat chocolate," "I'll exercise every day") that are just impossible and no fun to fulfill. Instead I like to think about goals or wishes. So in looking at what I wrote down last year, I stuck to a good percent of it - applying to school and starting this year, getting new glasses (my old ones were a shitpile), and writing Morning Pages (from Artist's Way). I wasn't perfect on that one, but a lot more consistent than in previous years, and was very daily about it for a large portion of my time in India. Another goal I set was to be more in touch with my spirituality, which still feels lacking, but I felt in touch in India, and at other times throughout the year. As for the wishes, one was for clarity and ease in transitioning to school and moving, and I think that's been good, one was for romance (always) which was completely 100% non-existent for me in 2009. The other wish I made was I guess somewhat fulfilled.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one really close, but my friend and roommate Jeri from the NFB convention is due soon, I believe.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Knock on wood. It really, really freaks me out that I've been spared in terms of having people close to me die. Other than my grandmother, it's just something I haven't dealt with much, not for me personally anyway, and it always makes me feel like at any moment that is going to change, like all this time going without experiencing that kind of loss is going to build up so the universe can deliver some huge wollops. Either that or I'll die young or something. Yeah, it scares me.
5. What countries did you visit?
India and the Hong Kong airport.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Romance (always). A hot lover. A part-time job I love. Oh and a different apartment where I can actually control the heat and don't feel like I'm living in a fucking sauna and wasting energy by the bucketful by keeping my windows open (I'd suffocate if I didn't) and don't wake up feeling like all the water has been leeched from my body. (Aside from that, I'm really happy with my place). Yeah I definitely want to move when my lease is up. My location is AWESOME but my rent price is too high and my place is too small, but the heat thing is what gets me more than those other issues, big time.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
In random order:
Feb 12th - flight to India.
May 7th - return from India.
Sept 26th - signed my lease & saw Pearl Jam.
August 7-9 - Lollapalooza.
Sept 28 - school began.
Dec 7 - school ended (well, the day of my final).
Aug 25 - a nice walk in a park w/a friend.
Sept 23 - the day I left Orcas.
July 2-9 - NFB convention in Detroit.
July 4 - my roommate at the convention (who was also pregnant) had a major diabetic emergency and I went w/her to the hospital (she and the baby were fine, thank god, but it was very scary - at first the paramedics couldn't get her to respond at all and the way they were talking I thought I might actually watch someone die - second time in my life I've had that fear - it was at a point where, "either this is going to work or nothing will - so fucking scary). After we got back we had to switch rooms b/c they had such trouble putting in her IV that there was blood and needles all over the floor.
Dec 21-24 - stayed at my old favorite home, the dispensary at Camp Orkila, walked my old beaches, stayed in my old room and for three days felt reconnected to a very happy time in my memory.
June 19 - last day of work at Camp Orkila kitchen for good.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving India, rocking biology. Making the decision to go to school even after obstacles arose and other opportunities seduced me into having such serious second thoughts that I really thought I would put it off for another year.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not speaking up for myself, not being real with people out of fear, keeping secrets and hiding and running away from anything of intensity (and a few things that were just awkward) out of fear. I really want to change these things about myself. I drive myself fucking crazy, I swear. Not writing memoir.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Anything bad?
No. Knock on wood again for this one, I was remarkably healthy this year, which is surprising considering I spent a part of it in a third world country where lots of people get sick. My only real complaint was constipation, and getting bitten by a dog.
11. What were the best things you bought?
I'm going to mimic Tara's answer (I copied this survey from her) and say, does my tuition count? Also, plane ticket to India, for sure. And my couch. Also, a desk! I bought it very synchronistically from a friend from Orcas who's also living in Portland. I was in desperate need of a desk for school and when I went to her house for dinner, found she was really trying to get rid of one and having no luck on Craigslist. I love when life works out like that. Some cool clothes, including some dresses (which will make some people reading this fall over with shock, I'm sure). Some AWESOME lamps. Oh and Grey's Season 5 DVD - I freaking LOVED season 5. And lots of great books.
But probably the thing that has made the biggest impact (and wow I'm a dork), is a dock for my iPod for my bathroom. It's so small, the sound isn't great, but it has made such an impact on my daily life. I feel so much happier while getting ready for the day and sometimes I sit in the bath, reading and listening to music and thinking that life is almost momentarily perfect.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Stealing from Tara again: I feel like I say the same thing every year, but my friends are always doing such amazing things and making such amazing strides, I can't help but celebrate them. More specifically (this is me now): Willa and Maryam for sticking through tough situations at their job or program through to the end and making sure to get something better once their situations were over, all my study group people for being awesome and making studying for biology even more fun with their humor, funny stories, great minds, disgusting medical stories and references to The Office, Mandy my lab assistant, Clarkie for livin' the dream, Edie for taking all the necessary steps to venture out there and make the world a better place at the same time. Janet, for not only writing a brilliant, heartfelt, ironic, wise, deep, activist, fierce, loving memoir, but also for really respecting the writing and the book in a way that I admire in her path to making it complete and published. Linda for writing the crap out of her new novel PURE, which to me feels important and precise and masterful.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people.
14. Where did most of your money go?
OMG rent ($$$!) and tuition ($$$!) and cell phone and other bills and my textbook, bus pass, etc. And the India trip (though I barely spent anything while there).
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
INDIA, going to school, Portland.
16. What song/s will always remind you of 2009?
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A. (and it's playing right now!), whatever that "clouds above" song is that Willa and Graham were always playing in India, Joshua Radin, and I'm sure tehre's more but it's hard to really know until time has passed, and you hear a song and it gives you that nostalgia feeling.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Probably happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! For sure! Going from working, even if it wasn't quite year-round, to taking out student loans, well, the math is pretty simple.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, blogging, flirting, reading, playing my (digital) piano, being in nature, being more authentic. Mostly writing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hedging, letting fear paralyze me, suppressing how I really feel, trying to please everyone else at my own expense, watching TV to avoid things.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Friday Harbor with Janet and a great group of her neighbors and friends.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.
22. How many one-night stands?
None
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, House and The Office. This summer was torture on all three fronts. Oh and My So-Called Life was so great to watch all the way through - what a smart, real and in a lot of ways brave show. I also found this old show from a few years ago that only lasted one season called Medical Investigations, which is all right, though I must say that House makes a MUCH better genius asshole than MI's main character and makes a much more likable character.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Kind of. Not really hate though, just pissy.
26. What was the best book you read?
Snow Falling on Cedars - so, so good, and about a fictional place that in reality is so close to where I called home. Wuthering Heights was surprisingly great to finally read. Oh, and someone from my study group recommended a book called What I Learned in Medical School, which is a collection of personal memoir essays from non-traditional medical students (single moms, refugees, a descendent of holocaust survivors, students with Tourette's, sickle-cell anemia, OCD, etc). It was a perfect mixture of things I like to read about - the real life stories of real people, medical stuff, and had a huge social justice element. On Friday I'm passing it on to my blind naturopathic physician friend. I devoured that book and read the first half on my recent train to Seattle on my way to Orcas. I have just started a book that I know will make this list for 2010 - Day Breaks Over Dharamsala by Janet Thomas.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am disgustingly hooked on the Grey's soundtracks. Some favorites include Joshua Radin, Butterfly Boucher, Kendall Payne, Rilo Kiley, Psapp, Regina Spektor, Jem, Snow Patrol. Also want to include the songs that my friend Kelly's daughter got me hooked on during our cross country camping travels by Rise Against and The Darkness. Also, this is so NOT new b/c I've loved Tori since just after Christmas 2002, but I really LOVE her new albums Abnormally Attracted to Sin (and freaking love that title) and Midwinter Graces (love that title too, makes me think of Mists of Avalon).
28. What did you want and get?
Again, stealing Tara's answer because it's true: A sense of purpose and intellectual fulfillment. I guess the former I sort of had, but the latter was sorely lacking. (Okay, me again): A decent living situation very close to campus, the excitement and anonymity and pulse of living in Portland, a visit to the ocean, a stay in the dispensary.
29. What did you want and not get?
Boys. A guide dog (though I am honestly still really on the fence on whether or not I want one).
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Slumdog Millionaire, Where the Wild Things Are (just saw it two nights ago).
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28 (in fact, about two weeks ago, someone said to me for the first time, "You're pushing thirty." Aaaah!) I was here in Portland, visiting schools, and spent my birthday evening with Kelly and Elynn at the Sapphire Hotel and it had all this cool lighting and we had to use little flashlights to see the menu and ate some kind of dish with squash in it which made the whole thing just about perfect. Kelly & family gave me a pretty funny card that somehow ended up in my tarot bag and came with me to India, and when I needed a connection to my world back home, I would pull it out. Overall, it was a very cool birthday and not too out of control. Will have to get crazier for 29 :) which is barely a month away (again, aaaaah!). I'm gettin' old.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More courage.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
"If it's not colorful and artistic and pleasing to my own unique sense of aesthetics and expressive and also really hot, I'm not interested." I wore a lot of purple, pink, red and green and a lot of outfits that would inspire comments like House's towards Cuddy. You know, I've gained weight, in interesting proportions and as a friend of mine says when you have bigger boobs there are really only two options, dress real frumpy to cover yourself or show it off, and I vote for the latter so my attire borders on the "come fuck me" side of things. I jokingly told a friend yesterday that my goal is to be a hardcore science nerd who dresses like a tramp, lol. I'm exaggerating of course, but still. Just doing my part to debunk the whole notion that girls are either smart or sexy and not both.
34. What kept you sane?
Good friends, music, long baths in my awesomely deep tub in my new apartment, good books, having a few days to be in the dispensary, on the Orkila beach and in the woods. Nature plays a big part in keeping me sane, if sanity is really what this is. It disturbs me a little that that always seems to be a question.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I always have a thing for Maynard, and always have the hots for Derrick Jensen's writing, so those two always have a place in my answer. Oh and I wanted to take reeeeally inappropriate pictures with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Obama at an inauguration party on Orcas last January, LOL just because it would be so wrong. Mostly instead of celebrities I just lust after fictional characters, like Alex from Grey's.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Universal health care.
37. Who did you miss?
It would be a much shorter list to ask who I don't miss. So many of my friends are long-distance. Special shout out to Tracy, Leo, Caren, my India peeps, Maryam, Clarkie, Edie, Claire, Forest, Elynn, all the people I didn't get to see on my recent trip to Orcas, and many, many, many more.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My study group - Alicia, Ryan & Scott. My India group - Hilary, Willa, Desmond, Nina, Ben, Andrew, Karen, Graham. Though not exactly "new" in terms of knowing a person, meeting Aaron was very awesome. Also have to include Katie O, Donna and Gaza - probably the coolest people I met at Orkila this year.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Doing what scares the fucking daylights out of you is one of the most valuable things you can do, and it is a LOT easier said or contemplated than done. Also, it is good to keep the wild part of you alive and well, the reckless childlike part that wants to run across the streets or roll down hills or have pillow fights - it's good to indulge that sometimes, keep yourself young and vital and alive the way children are - passionately, intensely, vibrantly and full of awe.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Gotta go with this one, this song was in my head so much during my trip.
"I have ended up in India, ohhhh
With no map to guide me home'
The strangest place I think I've ever been."
~Kendall Payne, from "Scratch"
Currently Listening:
"Always in My Head" - Psapp - I must say I have no idea what this song is supposed to be about, has almost a disjointed, almost psychedelic but in a subdued way sort of feel.
One step just behind me
One stretches out ahead
Some walk just beside me
Some already dead
I fumble with time, keep walking
Just beside me
I want to watch the tread
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Pace that quickens now to breaking point
I sprint across and here we are
I'm running up ahead and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
So step just behind me
You're stretching out ahead
We walk just beside and
We're already dead
I'm dancing in the light and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
New Year, New Blog Look, New Blog Address for 2010
I've been feeling the urge to overhaul this place for awhile now, so familiar readers will notice a completely different look, and lots of updates. For the first time since 2007, I put some new pictures on here, updated my profile, started a section where I can post any writing credits and updated my writing resume (which was about two years overdue).
So, I hope you enjoy!
I hope to be blogging more in 2010. It's funny, I was looking at my old stats, and it seems I've increased by 5 posts a year, steadily, since I started this blog in the summer of 2007. I'll see if I can really amp that up in 2010! I'd love to get on some sort of weekly schedule.
I also changed my URL - I just felt funny about having my full real name on there. It made me feel like I didn't really have any privacy, and of course a blog isn't really private, but still, changing it up a little makes me feel a little freer to post more candidly. And that's important to me. So, the new address is http://chrysanthymum.blogspot.com. The Chrysanthemum part comes from my India trip - Willa Rose named me Chrysanthemum and I loved it. It's probably a good thing I didn't go with my other India nickname (sex pot)!
So Chrysanthymum it is for now.
Also, in light of the new year, I don't exactly believe in resolutions, which are usually all about self-restraint, but I totally believe in goal setting and intention setting, I'm kind of hooked on it, you might even say. And along with writing, blogging more and kicking ass in school, I want to set an intention to be more honest and authentic. For anyone who watches The Office, think Pam in "Cocktails" from Season 3 (love that episode).
Authenticity can be an issue for me in blogging. I have no idea who does or doesn't read this, and because of that I can tend to tread too lightly for my own likely, and it's my freakin' blog, so it matters if I like it.
So, I feel I should issue a bit of a warning to the feint of heart: I'm going to tread less lightly. If you are offended by sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, cursing, atheism, political thought on the left side of liberal, metaphysics, you might want to avert your eyes! I would rather be real, even if people don't like it, than to sit here, not blogging b/c I'm so worried what this or that person will think of me. It's no way to live, so, yeah, I'm going to try less knee-jerk self-censorship. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Currently Listening:
"Elepant" - Damien Rice - Listening to 9 Crimes - such a great album. LOVE his voice in this song, holy shit.
This has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down
Someone else on top
You can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she
And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely
So why d'you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
It's easier to touch
And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
And do you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?
And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I'm lately horny
So why would she take me thorny?
What's the point of this song?
Or even singing?
You've already gone
Why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it on, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top
You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me
Well you know that's a lie
So, I hope you enjoy!
I hope to be blogging more in 2010. It's funny, I was looking at my old stats, and it seems I've increased by 5 posts a year, steadily, since I started this blog in the summer of 2007. I'll see if I can really amp that up in 2010! I'd love to get on some sort of weekly schedule.
I also changed my URL - I just felt funny about having my full real name on there. It made me feel like I didn't really have any privacy, and of course a blog isn't really private, but still, changing it up a little makes me feel a little freer to post more candidly. And that's important to me. So, the new address is http://chrysanthymum.blogspot.com. The Chrysanthemum part comes from my India trip - Willa Rose named me Chrysanthemum and I loved it. It's probably a good thing I didn't go with my other India nickname (sex pot)!
So Chrysanthymum it is for now.
Also, in light of the new year, I don't exactly believe in resolutions, which are usually all about self-restraint, but I totally believe in goal setting and intention setting, I'm kind of hooked on it, you might even say. And along with writing, blogging more and kicking ass in school, I want to set an intention to be more honest and authentic. For anyone who watches The Office, think Pam in "Cocktails" from Season 3 (love that episode).
Authenticity can be an issue for me in blogging. I have no idea who does or doesn't read this, and because of that I can tend to tread too lightly for my own likely, and it's my freakin' blog, so it matters if I like it.
So, I feel I should issue a bit of a warning to the feint of heart: I'm going to tread less lightly. If you are offended by sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, cursing, atheism, political thought on the left side of liberal, metaphysics, you might want to avert your eyes! I would rather be real, even if people don't like it, than to sit here, not blogging b/c I'm so worried what this or that person will think of me. It's no way to live, so, yeah, I'm going to try less knee-jerk self-censorship. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Currently Listening:
"Elepant" - Damien Rice - Listening to 9 Crimes - such a great album. LOVE his voice in this song, holy shit.
This has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down
Someone else on top
You can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she
And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely
So why d'you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
It's easier to touch
And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
And do you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?
And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I'm lately horny
So why would she take me thorny?
What's the point of this song?
Or even singing?
You've already gone
Why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it on, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top
You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me
Well you know that's a lie
Monday, December 7, 2009
Killing Time Waiting for my Final
And my brain is full, I don't think there is any point in trying to stuff in any more details about biology. Anyway we had a practice final and I got 78 out of 80, so I'm probably fine, I hope.
So, today is the last day of my first term. Overall, it's been really good. Really loving the biology class, and my lab group started studying together. That's been great! We're all contributing, splitting up tasks like writing up vocabulary, going through practice tests, teaching each other things the others don't get so well. I know it has been a huge benefit on both ends. It's great to have people to clarify things you don't quite get, and it's also very helpful to teach something to someone else. I feel like my knowledge of how to solve genetics problems really solidified when I wrote it out to show another girl in my group. And studying with these guys is fun! Our ages range from 22 to 39 and a lot of times we take our study sessions to the bar, or go grab a beer before class or after a test. It's been really fun, and it's kinda cool to have people to talk with about this stuff b/c most people I know aren't really into biology.
Apparently our study group is pretty effective, we kind of have a study group stalker (this guy who really, really wants to be in our study group next term, which is fine as long as there is some contribution).
It's been a LOT of information though! In these 9 weeks we covered the very basics of evolution, basic biological chemistry (mostly involving carbon and water), proteins, DNA & RNA, lipids, the cell and alllll its components, cell communication and signaling, aerobic respiration, photosynthesis, cell division, cell division in gametes, genetics, DNA replication, how genes work, transcription and translation, gene expression in bacteria, gene expression in eukaryotes, genetic engineering, genomics, bacteria, and viruses.
It's like holy shit that's a lot of material! And a lot of it is pretty detailed. I am enjoying the challenge, and learning a LOT. One of the things I love is that our book is very well illustrated. The artist who drew them has a Ph.D in biology and really tried to draw things as they really look. I am learning that I am a very visual learner. Whenever we're going over something in study group, I'm always, "Oh yeah, it's that picture with the purple enzyme..." The enzymes are definitely the coolest looking things in the book. My favorites so far are phophofructokinase (plus that name is so cool), the spliceosome and the basil transcription complex. A lot of the enzymes look like these blobby monsters. They're kind of adorable (or "cute" as I'm told is the "in" word here in Portland).
One of my favorite things is called dideoxy sequencing, which is just a really, really cool and innovative way to determine the sequences of smaller stretches of DNA. The guy who thought that up, Sanger, just had to be soooo fucking brilliant to put that together and that sort of genius just kind of turns me on, lol. I am hot for dideoxy sequencing (although actually doing it now is not quite as cool as the original way, and probably really doing that kind of sequencing would be tedious and boring, I just think the invention is sooooo cool).
It's also really interesting to have a working knowledge of what genetic engineering is and how it's done. I'm sure what is in our book is very cursory, but still I know a lot more now, about things and concepts that are sort of tossed about a lot and how they are done. Our book brings up some ethical concerns about it, but what I thought was cool was that our prof really went into a lot more of that, including things I had never thought about and lots of things I had. In fact there is a class next term called Genes and Society which is all about the ethics of genetic stuff, by this woman who's gone all over the world studying the effects of genetic engineering. I really wish I could take it but I am half time so I can't or it will put me over my financial aid bracket which would be no good at all. I might see if it's going to be offered again next year, and if not maybe I will see if I can sit in. Gotta say, a lot of this stuff is soooo fascinating! In our study group, I was the one who wrote up the genetic engineering chapter so feel very familiar with it (I also had the sex/cell division in gametes chapter, lol).
All right, well just stopping by b/c it's been awhile. I think I am actually going to go review viruses one more time, eat some dinner and then head over to the classroom. Almost wish the test was earlier in the day, feeling pretty antsy just sitting here killing time.
Currently listening:
"500 Miles" - Tori Amos - really getting into this album (abnormally attracted to sin, and must say I love that title), and this is probably my favorite so far. I'm just digging it, loving the lyrics, singing it all the time. I am definitely on yet another Tori kick.
He walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring me bread
His body like a sculpture
almost decorated
And I’ll wake him as the dawn does
and we’re breaking on the bus
saying this was made for us
and now
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will we break even break
step it up
grab your phone, get your suitcase
there’s no time to waste
a big adventure awaits
Sad news
France suffered a late snow
The blooms break through the ice
And San Francisco,
Her guitar man finally confessed
He loved that actress
With hearts touched by frost
We fought in the land of a midnight sun
I lost myself
I lost myself
I walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring him bread
In love some gifts are simple
Others I underrated
So I wake him as the dawn does
and we’ll face what any lovers must
blueness pales within a flame’s lust
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, even break
will we break, even break
Break, even break
Don’t slide, don’t weep
my life even
break
Okay, this is NUTS - right as I was about to hit post, the power in my building went out. I had to forgo the rereading of notes and get ready in complete darkness! The hardest part was finding my glasses in the dark, lol, and then I also had to find my scantron form. On my way out my apt manager told me I shouldn't leave (our door has this electrical key thing to open) b/c she was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back in, but I was like sorry lady gotta take my exam. So I did, and it went well. It was pretty straightforward. No real hard thinking/puzzling through questions like usual. Just straight up do you know your shit. Hopefully I did.
So, today is the last day of my first term. Overall, it's been really good. Really loving the biology class, and my lab group started studying together. That's been great! We're all contributing, splitting up tasks like writing up vocabulary, going through practice tests, teaching each other things the others don't get so well. I know it has been a huge benefit on both ends. It's great to have people to clarify things you don't quite get, and it's also very helpful to teach something to someone else. I feel like my knowledge of how to solve genetics problems really solidified when I wrote it out to show another girl in my group. And studying with these guys is fun! Our ages range from 22 to 39 and a lot of times we take our study sessions to the bar, or go grab a beer before class or after a test. It's been really fun, and it's kinda cool to have people to talk with about this stuff b/c most people I know aren't really into biology.
Apparently our study group is pretty effective, we kind of have a study group stalker (this guy who really, really wants to be in our study group next term, which is fine as long as there is some contribution).
It's been a LOT of information though! In these 9 weeks we covered the very basics of evolution, basic biological chemistry (mostly involving carbon and water), proteins, DNA & RNA, lipids, the cell and alllll its components, cell communication and signaling, aerobic respiration, photosynthesis, cell division, cell division in gametes, genetics, DNA replication, how genes work, transcription and translation, gene expression in bacteria, gene expression in eukaryotes, genetic engineering, genomics, bacteria, and viruses.
It's like holy shit that's a lot of material! And a lot of it is pretty detailed. I am enjoying the challenge, and learning a LOT. One of the things I love is that our book is very well illustrated. The artist who drew them has a Ph.D in biology and really tried to draw things as they really look. I am learning that I am a very visual learner. Whenever we're going over something in study group, I'm always, "Oh yeah, it's that picture with the purple enzyme..." The enzymes are definitely the coolest looking things in the book. My favorites so far are phophofructokinase (plus that name is so cool), the spliceosome and the basil transcription complex. A lot of the enzymes look like these blobby monsters. They're kind of adorable (or "cute" as I'm told is the "in" word here in Portland).
One of my favorite things is called dideoxy sequencing, which is just a really, really cool and innovative way to determine the sequences of smaller stretches of DNA. The guy who thought that up, Sanger, just had to be soooo fucking brilliant to put that together and that sort of genius just kind of turns me on, lol. I am hot for dideoxy sequencing (although actually doing it now is not quite as cool as the original way, and probably really doing that kind of sequencing would be tedious and boring, I just think the invention is sooooo cool).
It's also really interesting to have a working knowledge of what genetic engineering is and how it's done. I'm sure what is in our book is very cursory, but still I know a lot more now, about things and concepts that are sort of tossed about a lot and how they are done. Our book brings up some ethical concerns about it, but what I thought was cool was that our prof really went into a lot more of that, including things I had never thought about and lots of things I had. In fact there is a class next term called Genes and Society which is all about the ethics of genetic stuff, by this woman who's gone all over the world studying the effects of genetic engineering. I really wish I could take it but I am half time so I can't or it will put me over my financial aid bracket which would be no good at all. I might see if it's going to be offered again next year, and if not maybe I will see if I can sit in. Gotta say, a lot of this stuff is soooo fascinating! In our study group, I was the one who wrote up the genetic engineering chapter so feel very familiar with it (I also had the sex/cell division in gametes chapter, lol).
All right, well just stopping by b/c it's been awhile. I think I am actually going to go review viruses one more time, eat some dinner and then head over to the classroom. Almost wish the test was earlier in the day, feeling pretty antsy just sitting here killing time.
Currently listening:
"500 Miles" - Tori Amos - really getting into this album (abnormally attracted to sin, and must say I love that title), and this is probably my favorite so far. I'm just digging it, loving the lyrics, singing it all the time. I am definitely on yet another Tori kick.
He walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring me bread
His body like a sculpture
almost decorated
And I’ll wake him as the dawn does
and we’re breaking on the bus
saying this was made for us
and now
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will we break even break
step it up
grab your phone, get your suitcase
there’s no time to waste
a big adventure awaits
Sad news
France suffered a late snow
The blooms break through the ice
And San Francisco,
Her guitar man finally confessed
He loved that actress
With hearts touched by frost
We fought in the land of a midnight sun
I lost myself
I lost myself
I walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring him bread
In love some gifts are simple
Others I underrated
So I wake him as the dawn does
and we’ll face what any lovers must
blueness pales within a flame’s lust
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, even break
will we break, even break
Break, even break
Don’t slide, don’t weep
my life even
break
Okay, this is NUTS - right as I was about to hit post, the power in my building went out. I had to forgo the rereading of notes and get ready in complete darkness! The hardest part was finding my glasses in the dark, lol, and then I also had to find my scantron form. On my way out my apt manager told me I shouldn't leave (our door has this electrical key thing to open) b/c she was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back in, but I was like sorry lady gotta take my exam. So I did, and it went well. It was pretty straightforward. No real hard thinking/puzzling through questions like usual. Just straight up do you know your shit. Hopefully I did.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I Just Had the Coolest Afternoon!
Wow.
Okay, I just had an awesome afternoon. Today I met with a woman who works as a naturopathic physician who is totally blind. I mean, WOW. Totally inspiring. It's one of those times that reminds me that my visual impairment is NOT an excuse to not do things! I mean this woman is a doctor! She went through classes like gross anatomy and diagnostic imaging with no eyesight at all. How amazing is that?!?! It makes me feel like, yes, I can do science stuff, and there are all kinds of alternative techniques to do visually-intense things, in school and in life.
She also invited me to a group of blind and visually-impaired knitters and I'm going to do it. I'm good with my hands, and that is something that I've always felt that if I were taught how to do, I could really do by feel. So I am going to go get my knit on and be a stitchin' bitch! It'll be really nice to get connected with the visually-impaired community too. I'm psyched about that!
I came away from that appointment feeling really fired up and inspired. I also felt SO affirmed in my decision to attend school rather than that program in CO. She had some insight about that and the organization that totally backed up the feelings I was getting about things. I still want to make a post about that someday, about groups and organizations and their "central dogma" to use a bio term, but feel I need to really carefully consider my words b/c I am worried about the response. Anyway I felt like I learned SO much from her today about what I can do to succeed in science classes. She keyed me in to some really great strategies and techniques, and she's local so I feel like she's someone I could talk to if anything came up. WOW.
Not to mention, if I haven't already that there is a visually-impaired chemistry prof. at my school, who just happens to be the brother in law of a good friend of mine from Orcas. He helped me move in even! So I just have to say, it's yet another thing that makes me feel like I am SO GLAD I am here. I feel like Portland is just teeming with resources. And I was kind of in a funk, so this inspiring afternoon was just what the doctor ordered! It really is good to remember that whatever I choose to do in life, the eyesight is not a good enough excuse not to. I mean hell now they have blind people working for NASA, and there is a woman in WA who is working hard to be an FBI investigator even though she is blind. So it's like, fuck yeah!
The coolest part was, this was a chance meeting in a way. One of the presenters for my one-credit class a few weeks ago said something that made me want to ask her a follow-up question. The class is huge, so I waited at the end of the line to talk to her and when we met, she asked me about my eyesight and I said yeah I am visually-impaired, and she said, "Oh I have to connect you with this person I know, she's brilliant..." and so she called me a few hours later with this woman's contact info, and we talked and decided to meet this afternoon. It was just awesome! This seems to be the place of chance encounters, let me tell you. There is a crazy story about how a girl who used to live on Orcas randomly met the director of the company that put on my India program, and they bonded over the fact that they both knew me, and then there were some other WILD coincidences with that. Just makes me feel like I am in the right place!
Okay well, I have to get ready for class. We have our second exam on Monday, on much harder material but still I am going to fucking ROCK IT!
Currently Listening:
"Someone Else's Life" - Joshua Radin - I still don't know what to think of this guy. It's like I can't tell if he's really emotionally sincere, or a real tool. I mean, I like him a lot but I do get a feeling that something is lacking somehow, some element of rawness or depth or intensity or something. Still, I like. A lot. And he worked with Tori, a major point in his favor in my book!
Somehow
I'm leading someone else's life
I cut a star down with my knife
And right now
I still see the way the moon
Plays this tune
Though our lights died.
My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.
And somehow
I'll make tonight our own
I'll show you every way I've grown
Since I met you
And right now
I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along
If you let me.
My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.
If you let me,
I'll show the world to you.
Yes, if you let me,
I'll know just what to do.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
When I'm lost
In your eyes
I see a way for me
Okay, I just had an awesome afternoon. Today I met with a woman who works as a naturopathic physician who is totally blind. I mean, WOW. Totally inspiring. It's one of those times that reminds me that my visual impairment is NOT an excuse to not do things! I mean this woman is a doctor! She went through classes like gross anatomy and diagnostic imaging with no eyesight at all. How amazing is that?!?! It makes me feel like, yes, I can do science stuff, and there are all kinds of alternative techniques to do visually-intense things, in school and in life.
She also invited me to a group of blind and visually-impaired knitters and I'm going to do it. I'm good with my hands, and that is something that I've always felt that if I were taught how to do, I could really do by feel. So I am going to go get my knit on and be a stitchin' bitch! It'll be really nice to get connected with the visually-impaired community too. I'm psyched about that!
I came away from that appointment feeling really fired up and inspired. I also felt SO affirmed in my decision to attend school rather than that program in CO. She had some insight about that and the organization that totally backed up the feelings I was getting about things. I still want to make a post about that someday, about groups and organizations and their "central dogma" to use a bio term, but feel I need to really carefully consider my words b/c I am worried about the response. Anyway I felt like I learned SO much from her today about what I can do to succeed in science classes. She keyed me in to some really great strategies and techniques, and she's local so I feel like she's someone I could talk to if anything came up. WOW.
Not to mention, if I haven't already that there is a visually-impaired chemistry prof. at my school, who just happens to be the brother in law of a good friend of mine from Orcas. He helped me move in even! So I just have to say, it's yet another thing that makes me feel like I am SO GLAD I am here. I feel like Portland is just teeming with resources. And I was kind of in a funk, so this inspiring afternoon was just what the doctor ordered! It really is good to remember that whatever I choose to do in life, the eyesight is not a good enough excuse not to. I mean hell now they have blind people working for NASA, and there is a woman in WA who is working hard to be an FBI investigator even though she is blind. So it's like, fuck yeah!
The coolest part was, this was a chance meeting in a way. One of the presenters for my one-credit class a few weeks ago said something that made me want to ask her a follow-up question. The class is huge, so I waited at the end of the line to talk to her and when we met, she asked me about my eyesight and I said yeah I am visually-impaired, and she said, "Oh I have to connect you with this person I know, she's brilliant..." and so she called me a few hours later with this woman's contact info, and we talked and decided to meet this afternoon. It was just awesome! This seems to be the place of chance encounters, let me tell you. There is a crazy story about how a girl who used to live on Orcas randomly met the director of the company that put on my India program, and they bonded over the fact that they both knew me, and then there were some other WILD coincidences with that. Just makes me feel like I am in the right place!
Okay well, I have to get ready for class. We have our second exam on Monday, on much harder material but still I am going to fucking ROCK IT!
Currently Listening:
"Someone Else's Life" - Joshua Radin - I still don't know what to think of this guy. It's like I can't tell if he's really emotionally sincere, or a real tool. I mean, I like him a lot but I do get a feeling that something is lacking somehow, some element of rawness or depth or intensity or something. Still, I like. A lot. And he worked with Tori, a major point in his favor in my book!
Somehow
I'm leading someone else's life
I cut a star down with my knife
And right now
I still see the way the moon
Plays this tune
Though our lights died.
My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.
And somehow
I'll make tonight our own
I'll show you every way I've grown
Since I met you
And right now
I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along
If you let me.
My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.
If you let me,
I'll show the world to you.
Yes, if you let me,
I'll know just what to do.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
When I'm lost
In your eyes
I see a way for me
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Class Sign-Up Predicament (A Blessing in Disguise?)
So I have a bit of a predicament for signing up for classes.
I have to take between 6-8 credit hours each term this year. If I take less than six, I don't get financial aid. If I take more than eight, then it's more than half-time, and I simply can't afford it even with the financial aid. Also if I take eight or less all year, then next year I can be considered an Oregon resident for the rest of my schooling, which will make all the difference in the world. I will seriously be paying less going full-time next year as a state resident, than I am this year at half-time. By a pretty significant amount!
So pretty straightforward, right? 6-8 credits shouldn't be too hard to manage. Most classes are 4, so it should be easy.
Except that the Biology class I'm taking is a 5-credit class b/c it includes the lab. So that alone is not enough, and if I add any regular class, that puts me at 9 and I'm over my limit. So what it basically means I have to do is take some more unusual classes.
This quarter it was fine, there was an easy 1-credit class to add, kind of a career exploration class for science people. We see presentations every week, and have to turn in assignments answering questions based on the presentation and have a final essay to write at the end. It's just pass/fail, no real grade, but I am loving the class, and the assignments are pretty easy, just some self-reflection basically.
It's funny, I took a similar class in the physics department when I was in school before, and it was a lot easier, there were no assignments, no final essay, all you really had to do was show up. And at that time, it really turned me off to physics, because other than teaching, all the careers we heard about were related to defense. And anyone who knows me knows that there is absolutely no way I would EVER do that. So that class was a real bummer even though it was a lot less work. I'm glad I'm liking my current class a lot better!
But the point is, there are no classes like that next term. There are still some cool options, though they took some digging in the class schedule to find. There's a handful of PE classes I might be interested in - self-defense, swimming, yoga, belly dancing - as well as some potential music classes - voice, piano, guitar - aimed for beginners who are not music majors, like myself. I am really thinking about signing up for voice for next term.
I have wanted voice lessons my whole life so bad. As a kid, anytime I asked, my mom said I didn't have enough natural talent, which just crushed me every time. I remember the summer before my junior year of high school, I was writing a lot of poems and songs, and I kind of strategized all summer, preparing my case to ask again. There was a program for music lessons for visually-impaired people that made lessons super affordable, and I could cover the rest out of allowance. I thought that might help my case. And then after the second day back in school I finally worked up the courage to ask again, and got the same response. It was the perfect start to probably the worst year with some of my darkest days. I never asked again, and though I always thought about signing up for something like that in college, I never had the guts b/c I knew what kind of response I would get from my family. It's like, how many times are you going to let someone punch you in the face? So I never went near that topic again. As an adult I could never really afford it, though I never really stopped thinking about it, through the years. When I was in India, there were a few times where it really came to me how much I wanted to be musical, and how I've sort of given up, and how I don't want to give up b/c it means too much to me. I promised myself I would look into it upon my return to the US.
So now, the opportunity is there, it would be part of my tuition, and it fits my schedule (could go to that right after bio class) and the prof gets good reviews. It's a little scary b/c it's been so emotionally loaded a topic for me, and I've felt a lot of hurt around the topic. I think if I take a class like that, it's going to stir some stuff, shake me up some. Maybe that's a good thing. It feels like it could open up a can of worms of feelings that have been kinda stuck and lodged inside. Maybe the possibility of not shaking stuff up is a lot worse. I think when you grow up in a situation that feels oppressive and gives you certain beliefs about yourself, it is all too easy as you get older, to take over the oppression yourself and keep holding onto those beliefs. I don't want to live like that. I know I don't have any kind of stunning voice, but still I think I am okay, and if I take the class, it can only get better, right? I love to sing and I want to do it better, better express myself through music.
So I think I'm going to sign up for the class for winter quarter. It scares me, a lot, but sometimes those are the things that are really worth doing. And then in spring I might take the piano class. Sometimes, even (or especially) in school, you just have to follow your heart.
I never would have found this class if I wasn't in the predicament of needing to dig to find classes that are 1-3 credits, so even though at first I was like fuck, how am I going to stay within my credit range, I think it definitely turned out to be a blessing in disguise!
Currently Listening:
"The Good Left Undone" - Rise Against (who I saw at Lolla). Okay I must say that I completely misunderstood the chorus of this song the first time I heard it. I thought he was saying, "All because of you/I haven't slept in so long/When I do I dream/Of running in the ocean/reaching for the shore/Where I can let my hair down/I forgot your voice..." Not so terribly terribly off, but, definitely different.
In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....
So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...
All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!
Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...
Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...
All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!
All because of you.
All because of you.
All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.
All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!
I have to take between 6-8 credit hours each term this year. If I take less than six, I don't get financial aid. If I take more than eight, then it's more than half-time, and I simply can't afford it even with the financial aid. Also if I take eight or less all year, then next year I can be considered an Oregon resident for the rest of my schooling, which will make all the difference in the world. I will seriously be paying less going full-time next year as a state resident, than I am this year at half-time. By a pretty significant amount!
So pretty straightforward, right? 6-8 credits shouldn't be too hard to manage. Most classes are 4, so it should be easy.
Except that the Biology class I'm taking is a 5-credit class b/c it includes the lab. So that alone is not enough, and if I add any regular class, that puts me at 9 and I'm over my limit. So what it basically means I have to do is take some more unusual classes.
This quarter it was fine, there was an easy 1-credit class to add, kind of a career exploration class for science people. We see presentations every week, and have to turn in assignments answering questions based on the presentation and have a final essay to write at the end. It's just pass/fail, no real grade, but I am loving the class, and the assignments are pretty easy, just some self-reflection basically.
It's funny, I took a similar class in the physics department when I was in school before, and it was a lot easier, there were no assignments, no final essay, all you really had to do was show up. And at that time, it really turned me off to physics, because other than teaching, all the careers we heard about were related to defense. And anyone who knows me knows that there is absolutely no way I would EVER do that. So that class was a real bummer even though it was a lot less work. I'm glad I'm liking my current class a lot better!
But the point is, there are no classes like that next term. There are still some cool options, though they took some digging in the class schedule to find. There's a handful of PE classes I might be interested in - self-defense, swimming, yoga, belly dancing - as well as some potential music classes - voice, piano, guitar - aimed for beginners who are not music majors, like myself. I am really thinking about signing up for voice for next term.
I have wanted voice lessons my whole life so bad. As a kid, anytime I asked, my mom said I didn't have enough natural talent, which just crushed me every time. I remember the summer before my junior year of high school, I was writing a lot of poems and songs, and I kind of strategized all summer, preparing my case to ask again. There was a program for music lessons for visually-impaired people that made lessons super affordable, and I could cover the rest out of allowance. I thought that might help my case. And then after the second day back in school I finally worked up the courage to ask again, and got the same response. It was the perfect start to probably the worst year with some of my darkest days. I never asked again, and though I always thought about signing up for something like that in college, I never had the guts b/c I knew what kind of response I would get from my family. It's like, how many times are you going to let someone punch you in the face? So I never went near that topic again. As an adult I could never really afford it, though I never really stopped thinking about it, through the years. When I was in India, there were a few times where it really came to me how much I wanted to be musical, and how I've sort of given up, and how I don't want to give up b/c it means too much to me. I promised myself I would look into it upon my return to the US.
So now, the opportunity is there, it would be part of my tuition, and it fits my schedule (could go to that right after bio class) and the prof gets good reviews. It's a little scary b/c it's been so emotionally loaded a topic for me, and I've felt a lot of hurt around the topic. I think if I take a class like that, it's going to stir some stuff, shake me up some. Maybe that's a good thing. It feels like it could open up a can of worms of feelings that have been kinda stuck and lodged inside. Maybe the possibility of not shaking stuff up is a lot worse. I think when you grow up in a situation that feels oppressive and gives you certain beliefs about yourself, it is all too easy as you get older, to take over the oppression yourself and keep holding onto those beliefs. I don't want to live like that. I know I don't have any kind of stunning voice, but still I think I am okay, and if I take the class, it can only get better, right? I love to sing and I want to do it better, better express myself through music.
So I think I'm going to sign up for the class for winter quarter. It scares me, a lot, but sometimes those are the things that are really worth doing. And then in spring I might take the piano class. Sometimes, even (or especially) in school, you just have to follow your heart.
I never would have found this class if I wasn't in the predicament of needing to dig to find classes that are 1-3 credits, so even though at first I was like fuck, how am I going to stay within my credit range, I think it definitely turned out to be a blessing in disguise!
Currently Listening:
"The Good Left Undone" - Rise Against (who I saw at Lolla). Okay I must say that I completely misunderstood the chorus of this song the first time I heard it. I thought he was saying, "All because of you/I haven't slept in so long/When I do I dream/Of running in the ocean/reaching for the shore/Where I can let my hair down/I forgot your voice..." Not so terribly terribly off, but, definitely different.
In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....
So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...
All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!
Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...
Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...
All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!
All because of you.
All because of you.
All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.
All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!
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