Okay actually, though I like that U2 lyric and think it's true, I also believe it's not. I just wanted to say that before plunging into my 2009 Year in Review. The numerologist in me believes in the cycle of the personal years. For a brief overview of what that's about by a numerologist I really appreciate, check out Angelwood Consulting because it rocks and gives a brief overview of the years and how to figure out which one you're in. I'm now in the 9 year (the last of the cycle) and have known about this since the last time I was in a 9 year, and it has been remarkably accurate, in a tenuous, not quite tangible way that these sorts of things often are. So I do believe there are shifts with the new year, and I am a big believer in setting intentions, and that doing so can be amplified by these more esoteric forces. So the fact that new year falls on a full moon, blue moon, lunar eclipse, makes it seem especially auspicious for setting clear intentions. I think these energies are worth tuning into.
Also, since we're on the metaphysical subject, if you want to read a really detailed (and in my opinion a bit too verbose - and coming from the queen of long-windedness, that says something) prediction for January with some attention to the rest of the year, check out Susan Miller's AstrologyZone. Her predictions are so in-depth, and the few I've read (or had read to me by friends) for this coming month, are INTENSE! What a transformational time, between two eclipses. So check it out and milk whatever cosmic connections are headed your way.
And I just must say one more thing briefly before going into this survey, which is wtf has happened to the world since NYE? I mean, I thought it was just me, or my street or neighborhood. It's been ridiculously loud at night ever since NYE. I mean at first it was kind of expected, the screaming and the fireworks and all that, but it's still going on (well not the fireworks but the screaming). That and people driving by with really loud music just BLASTING. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it one bit. I lived too long on a quiet island. I love being in the throes of the energy. But something is definitely up. And aside from the noise issue, I haven't been sleeping well at all. Then today (Jan 4), I saw a post from my friend Trish on Bainbridge Island that no one is sleeping there either, and others replied saying they were having the same experience. 2010 is not coming in quietly.
And as for 2009, here goes: (Side note to Samsara/Leo: just because I'm late with my survey doesn't mean you're getting out of it. Start answering.)
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Since I spent three months in India, it seems the list to answer this question is endless: left the continent, traveled overseas, had rice beer, traveled with a group of people I'd never met before, hiked in the Himalayas, experienced Holi, had pink hair accidentally, took dance lessons, hung out on Indian rooftops, saw monkeys, experienced the border ceremony between India & Pakistan, rode rickshaws (cycle and auto), rode in vehicles that drive on the left side of the road, went three months without wearing a seatbelt in the craziest driving conditions ever, was bitten by a dog, had my shoes stolen, ate in a rotating restaurant, got a tattoo (in a group) in a foreign country, on impulse in Calcutta no less, ate street food, walked down "gnarly street," went three months without my music, visited monasteries, went on road passes that were 14, and then 18,000+ feet in elevation, went to a rest stop where I was literally peeing on frozen pee (at the pass), had another person (KAREN) ask me to take a picture of her peeing on frozen pee, told my life story in a group, saw someone (BEN) kill a chicken, visited remote villages, rode a toy train which included standing for six hours and at one point during that time sitting on my daypack and falling asleep leaning on a stranger's leg, ate food cooked over cow patties, drank butter tea, used "eastern" toilets, visited hindu temples, sikh temples, mosques, went to Hindi class, drank a bhang lassi (and later told my former college RA who's traveling in India where to get bhang lassis and got her hooked), saw pot growing outside the Taj Mahal, saw the Taj Mahal, and the GOLDEN TEMPLE, went on a jeep trip at 4 in the morning to see a sunrise that didn't really happen, listening to Peacock (or really, Smokey) on the way there, fell asleep on an airport floor and on my pack in a train station, gave away hiking boots for a flute for someone else (WILLA), ate nutella, watched someone run right into a pole (HILARY) during a scavenger hunt in Delhi, had black boogers from so much smog in the more urban parts of India, went to massage class, took Reiki lessons, ate mediterranean food, met Mr. Jordan and Mr. Sikkim, had a driver who people said looked like Snoop Dogg who drove our group through treacherous terrain and weather and was ultra sexy when he drove, saw cows, goats, dogs, cats and lots of other animals just chilling in the street, ate paneer, used a digital camera, was bitten up by leeches!
I'm sure there is so much I'm not even thinking about at the moment. The places and the people of that trip will always hold such a huge piece of my heart. By far the best thing I could have done. It's one of those things that if I had known, really known how hard it would be, I probably wouldn't have gone, so it's a really good thing I didn't know, because I'm so, so glad I went.
Now, there are some other new experiences unrelated to India that I should also include: lived in a friend's basement for two weeks, met a long-time internet friend after knowing for years and not meeting, took out student loans, went to school part time, took biology in a college setting, went to school totally on my own promptings and desires, lived in a studio apartment, had a 4.0 for a term, read every word of assigned reading (that is a big-time first, lol), put together a couch (it came in two boxes as 45 pieces of wood, tools, directions, gloves and a sander, and it was awesome to "build" it), went to a strip club, went to the rodeo, saw yellowstone and mount rushmore and crazy horse and south dakota's black hills (not to mention Wall Drug), took a camping road trip, rode a streetcar, lived in a downtown setting, went out for a drink before class, went a whole term without skipping a single class, watched all of My So-Called Life. And again, I'm sure there are lots more firsts I'm not thinking of at the moment.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really do regular "resolutions" because when I think of those, they're usually restrictive ("I won't eat chocolate," "I'll exercise every day") that are just impossible and no fun to fulfill. Instead I like to think about goals or wishes. So in looking at what I wrote down last year, I stuck to a good percent of it - applying to school and starting this year, getting new glasses (my old ones were a shitpile), and writing Morning Pages (from Artist's Way). I wasn't perfect on that one, but a lot more consistent than in previous years, and was very daily about it for a large portion of my time in India. Another goal I set was to be more in touch with my spirituality, which still feels lacking, but I felt in touch in India, and at other times throughout the year. As for the wishes, one was for clarity and ease in transitioning to school and moving, and I think that's been good, one was for romance (always) which was completely 100% non-existent for me in 2009. The other wish I made was I guess somewhat fulfilled.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one really close, but my friend and roommate Jeri from the NFB convention is due soon, I believe.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Knock on wood. It really, really freaks me out that I've been spared in terms of having people close to me die. Other than my grandmother, it's just something I haven't dealt with much, not for me personally anyway, and it always makes me feel like at any moment that is going to change, like all this time going without experiencing that kind of loss is going to build up so the universe can deliver some huge wollops. Either that or I'll die young or something. Yeah, it scares me.
5. What countries did you visit?
India and the Hong Kong airport.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Romance (always). A hot lover. A part-time job I love. Oh and a different apartment where I can actually control the heat and don't feel like I'm living in a fucking sauna and wasting energy by the bucketful by keeping my windows open (I'd suffocate if I didn't) and don't wake up feeling like all the water has been leeched from my body. (Aside from that, I'm really happy with my place). Yeah I definitely want to move when my lease is up. My location is AWESOME but my rent price is too high and my place is too small, but the heat thing is what gets me more than those other issues, big time.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
In random order:
Feb 12th - flight to India.
May 7th - return from India.
Sept 26th - signed my lease & saw Pearl Jam.
August 7-9 - Lollapalooza.
Sept 28 - school began.
Dec 7 - school ended (well, the day of my final).
Aug 25 - a nice walk in a park w/a friend.
Sept 23 - the day I left Orcas.
July 2-9 - NFB convention in Detroit.
July 4 - my roommate at the convention (who was also pregnant) had a major diabetic emergency and I went w/her to the hospital (she and the baby were fine, thank god, but it was very scary - at first the paramedics couldn't get her to respond at all and the way they were talking I thought I might actually watch someone die - second time in my life I've had that fear - it was at a point where, "either this is going to work or nothing will - so fucking scary). After we got back we had to switch rooms b/c they had such trouble putting in her IV that there was blood and needles all over the floor.
Dec 21-24 - stayed at my old favorite home, the dispensary at Camp Orkila, walked my old beaches, stayed in my old room and for three days felt reconnected to a very happy time in my memory.
June 19 - last day of work at Camp Orkila kitchen for good.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving India, rocking biology. Making the decision to go to school even after obstacles arose and other opportunities seduced me into having such serious second thoughts that I really thought I would put it off for another year.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not speaking up for myself, not being real with people out of fear, keeping secrets and hiding and running away from anything of intensity (and a few things that were just awkward) out of fear. I really want to change these things about myself. I drive myself fucking crazy, I swear. Not writing memoir.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Anything bad?
No. Knock on wood again for this one, I was remarkably healthy this year, which is surprising considering I spent a part of it in a third world country where lots of people get sick. My only real complaint was constipation, and getting bitten by a dog.
11. What were the best things you bought?
I'm going to mimic Tara's answer (I copied this survey from her) and say, does my tuition count? Also, plane ticket to India, for sure. And my couch. Also, a desk! I bought it very synchronistically from a friend from Orcas who's also living in Portland. I was in desperate need of a desk for school and when I went to her house for dinner, found she was really trying to get rid of one and having no luck on Craigslist. I love when life works out like that. Some cool clothes, including some dresses (which will make some people reading this fall over with shock, I'm sure). Some AWESOME lamps. Oh and Grey's Season 5 DVD - I freaking LOVED season 5. And lots of great books.
But probably the thing that has made the biggest impact (and wow I'm a dork), is a dock for my iPod for my bathroom. It's so small, the sound isn't great, but it has made such an impact on my daily life. I feel so much happier while getting ready for the day and sometimes I sit in the bath, reading and listening to music and thinking that life is almost momentarily perfect.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Stealing from Tara again: I feel like I say the same thing every year, but my friends are always doing such amazing things and making such amazing strides, I can't help but celebrate them. More specifically (this is me now): Willa and Maryam for sticking through tough situations at their job or program through to the end and making sure to get something better once their situations were over, all my study group people for being awesome and making studying for biology even more fun with their humor, funny stories, great minds, disgusting medical stories and references to The Office, Mandy my lab assistant, Clarkie for livin' the dream, Edie for taking all the necessary steps to venture out there and make the world a better place at the same time. Janet, for not only writing a brilliant, heartfelt, ironic, wise, deep, activist, fierce, loving memoir, but also for really respecting the writing and the book in a way that I admire in her path to making it complete and published. Linda for writing the crap out of her new novel PURE, which to me feels important and precise and masterful.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people.
14. Where did most of your money go?
OMG rent ($$$!) and tuition ($$$!) and cell phone and other bills and my textbook, bus pass, etc. And the India trip (though I barely spent anything while there).
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
INDIA, going to school, Portland.
16. What song/s will always remind you of 2009?
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A. (and it's playing right now!), whatever that "clouds above" song is that Willa and Graham were always playing in India, Joshua Radin, and I'm sure tehre's more but it's hard to really know until time has passed, and you hear a song and it gives you that nostalgia feeling.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Probably happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! For sure! Going from working, even if it wasn't quite year-round, to taking out student loans, well, the math is pretty simple.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, blogging, flirting, reading, playing my (digital) piano, being in nature, being more authentic. Mostly writing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hedging, letting fear paralyze me, suppressing how I really feel, trying to please everyone else at my own expense, watching TV to avoid things.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Friday Harbor with Janet and a great group of her neighbors and friends.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.
22. How many one-night stands?
None
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, House and The Office. This summer was torture on all three fronts. Oh and My So-Called Life was so great to watch all the way through - what a smart, real and in a lot of ways brave show. I also found this old show from a few years ago that only lasted one season called Medical Investigations, which is all right, though I must say that House makes a MUCH better genius asshole than MI's main character and makes a much more likable character.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Kind of. Not really hate though, just pissy.
26. What was the best book you read?
Snow Falling on Cedars - so, so good, and about a fictional place that in reality is so close to where I called home. Wuthering Heights was surprisingly great to finally read. Oh, and someone from my study group recommended a book called What I Learned in Medical School, which is a collection of personal memoir essays from non-traditional medical students (single moms, refugees, a descendent of holocaust survivors, students with Tourette's, sickle-cell anemia, OCD, etc). It was a perfect mixture of things I like to read about - the real life stories of real people, medical stuff, and had a huge social justice element. On Friday I'm passing it on to my blind naturopathic physician friend. I devoured that book and read the first half on my recent train to Seattle on my way to Orcas. I have just started a book that I know will make this list for 2010 - Day Breaks Over Dharamsala by Janet Thomas.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am disgustingly hooked on the Grey's soundtracks. Some favorites include Joshua Radin, Butterfly Boucher, Kendall Payne, Rilo Kiley, Psapp, Regina Spektor, Jem, Snow Patrol. Also want to include the songs that my friend Kelly's daughter got me hooked on during our cross country camping travels by Rise Against and The Darkness. Also, this is so NOT new b/c I've loved Tori since just after Christmas 2002, but I really LOVE her new albums Abnormally Attracted to Sin (and freaking love that title) and Midwinter Graces (love that title too, makes me think of Mists of Avalon).
28. What did you want and get?
Again, stealing Tara's answer because it's true: A sense of purpose and intellectual fulfillment. I guess the former I sort of had, but the latter was sorely lacking. (Okay, me again): A decent living situation very close to campus, the excitement and anonymity and pulse of living in Portland, a visit to the ocean, a stay in the dispensary.
29. What did you want and not get?
Boys. A guide dog (though I am honestly still really on the fence on whether or not I want one).
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Slumdog Millionaire, Where the Wild Things Are (just saw it two nights ago).
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28 (in fact, about two weeks ago, someone said to me for the first time, "You're pushing thirty." Aaaah!) I was here in Portland, visiting schools, and spent my birthday evening with Kelly and Elynn at the Sapphire Hotel and it had all this cool lighting and we had to use little flashlights to see the menu and ate some kind of dish with squash in it which made the whole thing just about perfect. Kelly & family gave me a pretty funny card that somehow ended up in my tarot bag and came with me to India, and when I needed a connection to my world back home, I would pull it out. Overall, it was a very cool birthday and not too out of control. Will have to get crazier for 29 :) which is barely a month away (again, aaaaah!). I'm gettin' old.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More courage.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
"If it's not colorful and artistic and pleasing to my own unique sense of aesthetics and expressive and also really hot, I'm not interested." I wore a lot of purple, pink, red and green and a lot of outfits that would inspire comments like House's towards Cuddy. You know, I've gained weight, in interesting proportions and as a friend of mine says when you have bigger boobs there are really only two options, dress real frumpy to cover yourself or show it off, and I vote for the latter so my attire borders on the "come fuck me" side of things. I jokingly told a friend yesterday that my goal is to be a hardcore science nerd who dresses like a tramp, lol. I'm exaggerating of course, but still. Just doing my part to debunk the whole notion that girls are either smart or sexy and not both.
34. What kept you sane?
Good friends, music, long baths in my awesomely deep tub in my new apartment, good books, having a few days to be in the dispensary, on the Orkila beach and in the woods. Nature plays a big part in keeping me sane, if sanity is really what this is. It disturbs me a little that that always seems to be a question.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I always have a thing for Maynard, and always have the hots for Derrick Jensen's writing, so those two always have a place in my answer. Oh and I wanted to take reeeeally inappropriate pictures with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Obama at an inauguration party on Orcas last January, LOL just because it would be so wrong. Mostly instead of celebrities I just lust after fictional characters, like Alex from Grey's.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Universal health care.
37. Who did you miss?
It would be a much shorter list to ask who I don't miss. So many of my friends are long-distance. Special shout out to Tracy, Leo, Caren, my India peeps, Maryam, Clarkie, Edie, Claire, Forest, Elynn, all the people I didn't get to see on my recent trip to Orcas, and many, many, many more.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My study group - Alicia, Ryan & Scott. My India group - Hilary, Willa, Desmond, Nina, Ben, Andrew, Karen, Graham. Though not exactly "new" in terms of knowing a person, meeting Aaron was very awesome. Also have to include Katie O, Donna and Gaza - probably the coolest people I met at Orkila this year.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Doing what scares the fucking daylights out of you is one of the most valuable things you can do, and it is a LOT easier said or contemplated than done. Also, it is good to keep the wild part of you alive and well, the reckless childlike part that wants to run across the streets or roll down hills or have pillow fights - it's good to indulge that sometimes, keep yourself young and vital and alive the way children are - passionately, intensely, vibrantly and full of awe.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Gotta go with this one, this song was in my head so much during my trip.
"I have ended up in India, ohhhh
With no map to guide me home'
The strangest place I think I've ever been."
~Kendall Payne, from "Scratch"
Currently Listening:
"Always in My Head" - Psapp - I must say I have no idea what this song is supposed to be about, has almost a disjointed, almost psychedelic but in a subdued way sort of feel.
One step just behind me
One stretches out ahead
Some walk just beside me
Some already dead
I fumble with time, keep walking
Just beside me
I want to watch the tread
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Pace that quickens now to breaking point
I sprint across and here we are
I'm running up ahead and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
So step just behind me
You're stretching out ahead
We walk just beside and
We're already dead
I'm dancing in the light and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
Showing posts with label astrology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label astrology. Show all posts
Friday, January 1, 2010
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Yes, this is my Final Answer
for the million dollar question in the game of What the Fuck Am I Doing with My Life?
Anyone who's been following my blog this summer knows that I've had some back and forth thoughts about whether to start school in the fall or to attend a training center for the visually-impaired in Denver. But what you don't know unless you're one of the unfortunate people to have spent a lot of time with me in recent months is how intense and unending this indecision has been. I thought for sure I would go to school no matter what. Then I was unsure. Then I was certain about the center. Then indecision. Then school. Then the center. Then back and forth again and again, ad nauseam. And each time, I was SURE that I had come to a final decision.
And I mean really, I feel sorry for those who have been around me most. I was telling my friend Holly she should shoot me (she declined of course but I think she secretly wanted to, she's heard every nuance of every rethinking of the decision process and all my worries and calculations and meanderings). I can't overstate how freaking crazy I drove myself and those around me. I feel bad that every time my friend Willa from India called me this summer, it was always when I was reconsidering and in indecision, and every time we talked I was like, "My head just hurts, I want this all to stop!" And I feel bad for my friend Kelly, who got revised emails of my plans every week or so. But for all my friends who I drove crazy, I guarantee I drove myself CRAZIER!
There have literally been times I've avoided going places on Orcas b/c I didn't want to deal with people asking me how my plans had changed and I got tired of explaining myself and going back and forth. I can't remember ever feeling quite so mentally exhausted. And I'm happy to say (and how truly do I hope I'm really for real this time). I have finally come to a real decision that I don't think I will go back on.
I am going to school!
A few major factors affected this decision. First was a DVD I watched the weekend before last about the Colorado Center - it turned me off. There wasn't a single thing about the science training (which would be the main reason that I would be going), and as part of the program students have to wear sleepshades (aka blindfolds) so that they learn to rely on other senses to learn the skills, which makes sense but also bothers me some (also it was one thing to know about it, but seeing it in the video was pretty unsettling). That and a lot of the skills taught don't really apply to me. I mean, yes my vision sucks, but it's also stable. My condition is not degenerative at all, and so my eyesight is not likely to change much, and so I will probably never need to know how to do things like put together an outfit by identifying my clothes with braille, b/c I can see my clothes, see the colors and all that. Watching the DVD really made it clear that this and other similar things are a huge part of the program. So all in all it felt like, the more I learned about the center, the more it felt like I would go through a lot of training I don't really need, just to get some science skills and I began to doubt if the investment of time and energy would be worth the payoff, especially as I've been anxious to go back to school and have been trying to make that work out for the last few years now and feel reluctant to put it off.
There were a lot of other little things in the DVD that also bugged. Individually, they're nothing, but taken together, there was an effect. One of them is that there's an NFB (National Federation of the Blind) philosophy class that students have to take, so that they will "fully believe in the NFB's philosophy of blindness." Okay, that sounds a bit creepy in itself, but add to that that I'm fairly familiar with the NFB's beliefs, and being a critical thinker, there are parts I agree with (and I definitely appreciate what the NFB does), I don't agree with all of it. I have felt at times that members and events of the organization aren't very welcoming to people with partial sight. And a friend of mine had a friend who had a horrible time at the Denver center because of it, which sad to say, doesn't terribly surprise me. I also got the feeling from the DVD and some of the literature that was sent with it that there are a lot of rules and a lot of emphasis on students looking super professional at all times. And that stuff just got all my individualistic, expressive and rebellious tendencies all riled up. I mean physically I was getting all tense. I could already imagine myself getting in all kinds of trouble. I don't even know what they'd make of me, a girl with purple hair and a visible tattoo (if I'm wearing short sleeves). And there were a string of other little things that all left me feeling pretty uneasy after watching the DVD. Little things.
Oh, plus, my astrocartography told me I would get fat if I went to Denver. For those who aren't astrology geeks, astrocartography is basically looking at maps based on your birth chart. It's pretty complicated with lines everywhere, and I don't know how to actually calculate it (even the thought seems daunting) but you can look it up for free at astro.com. I don't put real stock into it, but I did out of curiosity look it up for me in Denver, and while most aspects seem to relate to more esoteric intangible energies, my astrocartography for Denver literally did say I would gain weight and that if I didn't want to, I should move somewhere else, which made me laugh, like, seriously?? Too funny.
But what actually is a much bigger deal and dealbreaker for me than any of the above put together, is the uncertainty about the center. To be able to go, I have to go through a process with the local low-vision agency, to justify my need to go to the center and then get approval, and it was very uncertain how long that would take, and if by the time it did, the center would still have openings and I would have enough time to complete the program before classes start next fall. And there was no way in hell I was waiting past that time to start school (plus it would have messed with my admission/student status/and on and on if I took off any more than a year). The uncertainty was eating me alive, the not knowing when I would go, or if I would get to go and not really being able to make any plans in the meantime. I mean how could I get a job if I might be leaving soon for Denver? But then again it could be months. And it might not happen. Same thing with my apartment, I didn't know what to tell my manager, especially after having worked everything out with her (or so I thought) over the phone while I was in Portland, then I came home to find lots of not so nice letters from her on several topics, and one of them being she has a new tenant waiting for my place. I felt totally locked in limbo, unable to make any kind of concrete plans of any sort when this whole process was so up in the air and I had no idea if or when I'd get to go to the center. I felt trapped. And that feeling, especially after getting back to the island, was only adding to my mental craziness. All I wanted was a sense of security in knowing what was going on, and that felt so elusive.
After watching the DVD, I felt like the uncertainty and all that bs just really might not be worth it and started looking into school again. I crunched some numbers and realized I could do it if I took a more minimal amount of credits (basically my intro biology class, plus one other credit, and I'd still get financial aid and feel fairly comfortable with my money situation even if it takes me a bit to find a job. It could be doable. And there were still spots left in the bio class.
I started reading the class descriptions again, and professor reviews and anything I read just got me so pumped to be in class and be learning this stuff. I got animated and excited and so wanted to be there. I have felt that way any time I have done that sort of stuff. Months ago, before the financial aid curveball came up, I had my classes all planned out and scheduled and felt super excited for them, long before I could even sign up. And each time I've been on the school side of this debate, I have felt this way. I was reading reviews of classes with such longing in my heart. I really don't want to put off school another year is what it comes down to. And I am really, really attracted to the idea of starting part time this year, to ease back into the whole idea of school and studying and classes, and then going full time next year, and being able to take more advanced classes sooner. I'm almost afraid that if I do put it off, I'll lose my drive some, when it's so potent right now. It's hard to describe exactly, I just can't wait to be really immersed in everything, feeling like I am progressing towards something, learning, intellectually stimulated, and the desire is so strong that EVERY time I read anything like these class descriptions or prof reviews, I feel overwhelmed with wanting to be in class and learning. In my incessant indecision, I feel my heart has always been on the side of going back to school. That is what I really want to do.
So I did more research, and found out that my school, Portland State, a school that is known for their disabled student services being awesome (actually when I was touring campus last winter I saw a few people there with guide dogs and when I took the bus there last month I saw a blind guy, always good signs as I've been to schools where I feel like the only person w/a disability, so this was a marked improvement on that) offers lab assistants if needed for disabled students taking lab science classes. That is amazing! I feel like with that option, and with taking the intro class, I'll really be able to see if I'm going to struggle with science stuff b/c of my eyesight, and if I do maybe I'll reconsider the center, but I also came up with all kinds of other resources and possibilities, at the school, through the NFB (they have a science division, and a student division, and the woman who is president of the student division majored in biology and is totally blind), and more. So I feel better about things having done that research. And I'm a determined kind of girl so I'm sure I'll figure out a way to rock it.
So, all this is to say, I've come to my final answer, I'm going to school. I accepted my student loans, signed up for my bio class, did entrance counseling for my student loans (definitely made me think how different this is from last time I went to school, and how all the responsibility is on me in a whole new way that I welcome), and just landed a studio apartment near campus. I'll be leaving in a few days.
It definitely scares me. Moving scares me. Leaving Orcas scares me. Being in class again scares me. I want all of these things, but they also really freak me out. I haven't been in a college class in over seven years! Oh yeah and my textbook for this year for bio is 1300 pages! Talk about daunting! I have never really learned how to study. I was always one of those annoying people who did real well in school without studying at all, so I never had any discipline. And I'm sure I could still be that way, just go to class and pay attention and ace classes without opening a book, but, I don't want to half-ass it. Also, I am definitely out of practice at this point, and have no doubt gotten rusty. So yeah, going to school, studying, taking exams, having homework, trying to get into a more disciplined student mindset that I have really never had, really, really scares me. It's one of the reasons that the idea of easing back into school by going barely part time so appeals to me.
Scary as it is, it feels right, and I'm excited, and I really mean my decision this time. Sometimes you just gotta go with that.
I also want to say I am very thankful to have good friends to bounce ideas off of. I am super grateful to my friend Claire, aka Silver Lining, b/c she is a very grounded, balanced person who could offer an objective opinion. I talked ALL of these factors out with her and that was really the turning point. I get so lost in my head sometimes I lose perspective and have a hard tie sorting things out, especially when there are so many factors. She was so great to talk to and really helped me with the sorting out. And after that I felt so much more clear. And ever since I decided, friends have come out and told me they felt like all along, this is what was really the right decision, and what I truly wanted. It felt so affirming, b/c like I said, I get all jumbled up. And now that I've let the decision settle for a bit, I feel very sure. Now the thought of not starting school for another year is kind of unthinkable. But what felt the most affirming to me was when the person I work with from the local low-vision agency, the same person I would have worked with to make the Denver center happen, told me she really felt this was clearly the right decision for me. And for the first time in months, it really feels like everything is coming together (FINALLY). During Mercury retrograde no less! I better not totally count my chickens yet...
All right, gotta get back to packing.
Currently Listening:
Okay, I'm listening to a cover Tori Amos recently did of "Baby One More Time" yes, the Britney Spears song! Tori can really pull off some covers I tell you. This one is sort of hysterical, I have to say I never in a million years ever would have thought I'd be putting this song on my "currently listening, but when Tori sings it, it's hot and kinda sultry and almost ironic. She puts in some ad-lib too.
Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!
Oh baby baby the reason I breathe is you
Is you, yes it is you
Oh the reason I know is not a reason for living
But I'm living for you
The reason that I breathe, is for you
And boy you'e got me blinded
Oh pretty baby, there's nothin that I wouldn't do
Thats not the way I planned it
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby
You always do
Hit me baby one more time!
Like I said, hysterical! I still can't get over finding this, like, seriously??? Wow. Hahahaha. Oh I had another song competing for this spot on my blog but I may be too embarrassed to fess up to it. I will just say, it's all House's fault.
Anyone who's been following my blog this summer knows that I've had some back and forth thoughts about whether to start school in the fall or to attend a training center for the visually-impaired in Denver. But what you don't know unless you're one of the unfortunate people to have spent a lot of time with me in recent months is how intense and unending this indecision has been. I thought for sure I would go to school no matter what. Then I was unsure. Then I was certain about the center. Then indecision. Then school. Then the center. Then back and forth again and again, ad nauseam. And each time, I was SURE that I had come to a final decision.
And I mean really, I feel sorry for those who have been around me most. I was telling my friend Holly she should shoot me (she declined of course but I think she secretly wanted to, she's heard every nuance of every rethinking of the decision process and all my worries and calculations and meanderings). I can't overstate how freaking crazy I drove myself and those around me. I feel bad that every time my friend Willa from India called me this summer, it was always when I was reconsidering and in indecision, and every time we talked I was like, "My head just hurts, I want this all to stop!" And I feel bad for my friend Kelly, who got revised emails of my plans every week or so. But for all my friends who I drove crazy, I guarantee I drove myself CRAZIER!
There have literally been times I've avoided going places on Orcas b/c I didn't want to deal with people asking me how my plans had changed and I got tired of explaining myself and going back and forth. I can't remember ever feeling quite so mentally exhausted. And I'm happy to say (and how truly do I hope I'm really for real this time). I have finally come to a real decision that I don't think I will go back on.
I am going to school!
A few major factors affected this decision. First was a DVD I watched the weekend before last about the Colorado Center - it turned me off. There wasn't a single thing about the science training (which would be the main reason that I would be going), and as part of the program students have to wear sleepshades (aka blindfolds) so that they learn to rely on other senses to learn the skills, which makes sense but also bothers me some (also it was one thing to know about it, but seeing it in the video was pretty unsettling). That and a lot of the skills taught don't really apply to me. I mean, yes my vision sucks, but it's also stable. My condition is not degenerative at all, and so my eyesight is not likely to change much, and so I will probably never need to know how to do things like put together an outfit by identifying my clothes with braille, b/c I can see my clothes, see the colors and all that. Watching the DVD really made it clear that this and other similar things are a huge part of the program. So all in all it felt like, the more I learned about the center, the more it felt like I would go through a lot of training I don't really need, just to get some science skills and I began to doubt if the investment of time and energy would be worth the payoff, especially as I've been anxious to go back to school and have been trying to make that work out for the last few years now and feel reluctant to put it off.
There were a lot of other little things in the DVD that also bugged. Individually, they're nothing, but taken together, there was an effect. One of them is that there's an NFB (National Federation of the Blind) philosophy class that students have to take, so that they will "fully believe in the NFB's philosophy of blindness." Okay, that sounds a bit creepy in itself, but add to that that I'm fairly familiar with the NFB's beliefs, and being a critical thinker, there are parts I agree with (and I definitely appreciate what the NFB does), I don't agree with all of it. I have felt at times that members and events of the organization aren't very welcoming to people with partial sight. And a friend of mine had a friend who had a horrible time at the Denver center because of it, which sad to say, doesn't terribly surprise me. I also got the feeling from the DVD and some of the literature that was sent with it that there are a lot of rules and a lot of emphasis on students looking super professional at all times. And that stuff just got all my individualistic, expressive and rebellious tendencies all riled up. I mean physically I was getting all tense. I could already imagine myself getting in all kinds of trouble. I don't even know what they'd make of me, a girl with purple hair and a visible tattoo (if I'm wearing short sleeves). And there were a string of other little things that all left me feeling pretty uneasy after watching the DVD. Little things.
Oh, plus, my astrocartography told me I would get fat if I went to Denver. For those who aren't astrology geeks, astrocartography is basically looking at maps based on your birth chart. It's pretty complicated with lines everywhere, and I don't know how to actually calculate it (even the thought seems daunting) but you can look it up for free at astro.com. I don't put real stock into it, but I did out of curiosity look it up for me in Denver, and while most aspects seem to relate to more esoteric intangible energies, my astrocartography for Denver literally did say I would gain weight and that if I didn't want to, I should move somewhere else, which made me laugh, like, seriously?? Too funny.
But what actually is a much bigger deal and dealbreaker for me than any of the above put together, is the uncertainty about the center. To be able to go, I have to go through a process with the local low-vision agency, to justify my need to go to the center and then get approval, and it was very uncertain how long that would take, and if by the time it did, the center would still have openings and I would have enough time to complete the program before classes start next fall. And there was no way in hell I was waiting past that time to start school (plus it would have messed with my admission/student status/and on and on if I took off any more than a year). The uncertainty was eating me alive, the not knowing when I would go, or if I would get to go and not really being able to make any plans in the meantime. I mean how could I get a job if I might be leaving soon for Denver? But then again it could be months. And it might not happen. Same thing with my apartment, I didn't know what to tell my manager, especially after having worked everything out with her (or so I thought) over the phone while I was in Portland, then I came home to find lots of not so nice letters from her on several topics, and one of them being she has a new tenant waiting for my place. I felt totally locked in limbo, unable to make any kind of concrete plans of any sort when this whole process was so up in the air and I had no idea if or when I'd get to go to the center. I felt trapped. And that feeling, especially after getting back to the island, was only adding to my mental craziness. All I wanted was a sense of security in knowing what was going on, and that felt so elusive.
After watching the DVD, I felt like the uncertainty and all that bs just really might not be worth it and started looking into school again. I crunched some numbers and realized I could do it if I took a more minimal amount of credits (basically my intro biology class, plus one other credit, and I'd still get financial aid and feel fairly comfortable with my money situation even if it takes me a bit to find a job. It could be doable. And there were still spots left in the bio class.
I started reading the class descriptions again, and professor reviews and anything I read just got me so pumped to be in class and be learning this stuff. I got animated and excited and so wanted to be there. I have felt that way any time I have done that sort of stuff. Months ago, before the financial aid curveball came up, I had my classes all planned out and scheduled and felt super excited for them, long before I could even sign up. And each time I've been on the school side of this debate, I have felt this way. I was reading reviews of classes with such longing in my heart. I really don't want to put off school another year is what it comes down to. And I am really, really attracted to the idea of starting part time this year, to ease back into the whole idea of school and studying and classes, and then going full time next year, and being able to take more advanced classes sooner. I'm almost afraid that if I do put it off, I'll lose my drive some, when it's so potent right now. It's hard to describe exactly, I just can't wait to be really immersed in everything, feeling like I am progressing towards something, learning, intellectually stimulated, and the desire is so strong that EVERY time I read anything like these class descriptions or prof reviews, I feel overwhelmed with wanting to be in class and learning. In my incessant indecision, I feel my heart has always been on the side of going back to school. That is what I really want to do.
So I did more research, and found out that my school, Portland State, a school that is known for their disabled student services being awesome (actually when I was touring campus last winter I saw a few people there with guide dogs and when I took the bus there last month I saw a blind guy, always good signs as I've been to schools where I feel like the only person w/a disability, so this was a marked improvement on that) offers lab assistants if needed for disabled students taking lab science classes. That is amazing! I feel like with that option, and with taking the intro class, I'll really be able to see if I'm going to struggle with science stuff b/c of my eyesight, and if I do maybe I'll reconsider the center, but I also came up with all kinds of other resources and possibilities, at the school, through the NFB (they have a science division, and a student division, and the woman who is president of the student division majored in biology and is totally blind), and more. So I feel better about things having done that research. And I'm a determined kind of girl so I'm sure I'll figure out a way to rock it.
So, all this is to say, I've come to my final answer, I'm going to school. I accepted my student loans, signed up for my bio class, did entrance counseling for my student loans (definitely made me think how different this is from last time I went to school, and how all the responsibility is on me in a whole new way that I welcome), and just landed a studio apartment near campus. I'll be leaving in a few days.
It definitely scares me. Moving scares me. Leaving Orcas scares me. Being in class again scares me. I want all of these things, but they also really freak me out. I haven't been in a college class in over seven years! Oh yeah and my textbook for this year for bio is 1300 pages! Talk about daunting! I have never really learned how to study. I was always one of those annoying people who did real well in school without studying at all, so I never had any discipline. And I'm sure I could still be that way, just go to class and pay attention and ace classes without opening a book, but, I don't want to half-ass it. Also, I am definitely out of practice at this point, and have no doubt gotten rusty. So yeah, going to school, studying, taking exams, having homework, trying to get into a more disciplined student mindset that I have really never had, really, really scares me. It's one of the reasons that the idea of easing back into school by going barely part time so appeals to me.
Scary as it is, it feels right, and I'm excited, and I really mean my decision this time. Sometimes you just gotta go with that.
I also want to say I am very thankful to have good friends to bounce ideas off of. I am super grateful to my friend Claire, aka Silver Lining, b/c she is a very grounded, balanced person who could offer an objective opinion. I talked ALL of these factors out with her and that was really the turning point. I get so lost in my head sometimes I lose perspective and have a hard tie sorting things out, especially when there are so many factors. She was so great to talk to and really helped me with the sorting out. And after that I felt so much more clear. And ever since I decided, friends have come out and told me they felt like all along, this is what was really the right decision, and what I truly wanted. It felt so affirming, b/c like I said, I get all jumbled up. And now that I've let the decision settle for a bit, I feel very sure. Now the thought of not starting school for another year is kind of unthinkable. But what felt the most affirming to me was when the person I work with from the local low-vision agency, the same person I would have worked with to make the Denver center happen, told me she really felt this was clearly the right decision for me. And for the first time in months, it really feels like everything is coming together (FINALLY). During Mercury retrograde no less! I better not totally count my chickens yet...
All right, gotta get back to packing.
Currently Listening:
Okay, I'm listening to a cover Tori Amos recently did of "Baby One More Time" yes, the Britney Spears song! Tori can really pull off some covers I tell you. This one is sort of hysterical, I have to say I never in a million years ever would have thought I'd be putting this song on my "currently listening, but when Tori sings it, it's hot and kinda sultry and almost ironic. She puts in some ad-lib too.
Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!
Oh baby baby the reason I breathe is you
Is you, yes it is you
Oh the reason I know is not a reason for living
But I'm living for you
The reason that I breathe, is for you
And boy you'e got me blinded
Oh pretty baby, there's nothin that I wouldn't do
Thats not the way I planned it
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby
You always do
Hit me baby one more time!
Like I said, hysterical! I still can't get over finding this, like, seriously??? Wow. Hahahaha. Oh I had another song competing for this spot on my blog but I may be too embarrassed to fess up to it. I will just say, it's all House's fault.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Begin the Begin
So, it's 2009, and I've gotta say I'm pretty glad. I put some stock into the theory of the numerological year, that we go through these nine-year cycles. At least, I've found my years to fit this pattern pretty consistently. Last year I was in a 7 year - the lowest energy in the cycle, and have now entered the 8 year. A numerologist once told a friend of mine, when she was entering her 8 year, that she'd feel like she'd "been shot out of a cannon!" It's supposed to be the highest energy year, and very auspicious for success. As if that wasn't enough positive power of suggestion right there, all the astrology books point to this being a great year for Aquarians. Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion, has entered my sign, suggesting a golden year. I'm surely ready for that.
And the thing is, I feel it. I definitely feel the energy shift. I mean I sort of do feel shot out of a cannon. I was totally in the dumps all through December, and worse after Xmas, but then in the week leading up to New Year's, something just changed, and I'm not going to question it one bit. I'm all about riding the wave.
So, as for India, I got my ass in gear about that, and I'm definitely going. It's so funny how once I started, everything sort of fell into place. I have my plane ticket. I finished all my vaccinations yesterday, which I'm still in some pretty serious burning and intense muscle pain from, fuck. I got permission to be gone from my apartment for longer than my lease allows, so I'm squared away there. I got someone to check in on my place and take care of my mail while I'm gone. I found out I could set up automatic bill pay to take care of most of my recurring financial concerns. I sent off my India Visa application today. Not to jinx anything, but a lot of loose ends that just two weeks ago seemed enormously overwhelming and impossible, are, well, pretty close to taken care of.
And as for college, I'm kicking even more ass on that front. I don't know if it was that last post (which I did take down, for my own reasons) or what, but I decided it was worth honoring the fact that I have real concerns about whether I'll like living in Bellingham. I can't shake the feeling that it's just too similar to where I live now, and Orcas is a place that I have loved, that my life wouldn't be the same without, a place that has been very close to my heart, in some ways more than any other place I've lived, but I've stayed too long and it's at the point where I feel so claustrophobic and caged living here that it's hard to remember that I have loved this place. And for whatever reason, Bellingham just doesn't feel different enough - it's a pretty small town, and I have this feeling that I might still feel a bit caged and cut off there too. And I don't really know how to put this into words, b/c I honestly do like Bellingham, but it doesn't feel all that alive to me, or that diverse, and I'm afraid I won't find people to hang with, that I'll be real lonely. A friend who went to school there as an older student (she was 24 I think, so older than a lot of undergrads but still younger than I am) said she had a hard time with that. I have this feeling like I'd drown in bluegrass music while craving rock. I could be totally off-base with this feeling, and it could stem from being so past done with living on Orcas (and hearing so many people say how comparable the two places are), but I do feel it's at least worth honoring that feeling enough to explore other options.
I still love Fairhaven and their program, all the classes they offer, the alternative, interdisciplinary structure, the exchanges they have with other schools, and something called the Adventure Learning Grant, which is another awesome study abroad opportunity. I get excited reading the course descriptions, so it's still on the table big-time. I'm also hoping to visit Bellingham again, sometime this month, to get more of a feel for it. I've been there a few times, but it's usually been pretty brief, and another visit couldn't hurt.
I just feel so much better that I've decided to consider other options. I had the best freaking time last year when I visited Emerson, and so I decided to go ahead and apply there, as well as another school in Boston. The cool thing is that they are part of the same consortium exchange thing, where students at one can take classes at the other, which makes me feel better, because there are things I like about both, and it widens the possibilities for classes to take.
Another place I'm looking at is Portland. I've loved that place every time I've been there, and of all the places I'm considering, I've visited there the most, which actually isn't saying all that much. And lately I keep hearing what an awesome literary scene they've got going on there. To me it feels vibrant and alive. They've got some great schools that are totally up on the interdisciplinary studies deal like Fairhaven is, and have some really strong writing programs to boot. I can't even count how many times I hear that Bellingham is Portland-lite, similar in some ways, but lacking in others, and without the same sort of diversity and vibrance, and it's like, why go lite without at least considering the real deal? So I'm looking into two schools there.
And then there's Olympia, which is also on the smaller side, but I figure it's good to have another in-state WA choice in mind, and Evergreen has got to be one of the most interdisciplinary schools out there. I visited once, almost five years ago, and it was pretty cool. I like that they really have a holistic approach to any subject, and they have some programs that look awesome, and one includes a trip to Egypt, which of course caught my eye. I also read that the whole school is completely energy-efficient, which is way cool.
All in all, I'm considering six schools, and let me just say, just the idea of considering more places than just Fairhaven has me feeling tremendously better. I thought that being set on Fairhaven was good for peace of mind, in the way that it left no uncertainty, it was settled, but I think that that settling wasn't quite honest with myself. I could easily end up choosing that school, and I could just as easily choose somewhere else. The point is, it's like a huge gust of fresh air to my spirit, the fact that it's more open now. In the end it'll come down to where I get accepted, what my financial aid packages look like, scholarships, where my credits transfer, and where each college ranks on my own personal preference list (which is TBD as of now, pending more visits to the ones I can visit before I leave).
In the last week, I've rocked my applications to all six - the apps are all in, the transcripts and recommendations are requested, forms are faxed, and many essays are written. I just have one supplemental essay left to write. One school also required a graded paper, and the coolest thing is, I checked with admissions, and I get to use a writing piece that was workshopped at the Orcas Island Writers Festival! I figured it would count, because the workshop leader who evaluated it (they wanted a paper with instructor's comments on it) usually teaches grad students, and that just had to count for something, and it did. I'm psyched, because I think it's a good piece, and the comments on there are great and extremely thorough, with a balance of praise and suggestions for improvement.
For some of this stuff, I've had to dig through the bowels of my memory to contact former teachers and advisors. In one case there was someone I had to find, and I could only remember the first name (I mean, it's been like, nine years here), and they didn't even work at the school I used to go to anymore, so, google has been my friend in finding old profs and the like to fill out forms. It was kind of cool, searching that stuff out. I found that one of my favorite professors, who I had in my first semester of college for intro astronomy, is getting all these grants for really cool studies (that honestly I don't entirely understand exactly what these studies are). It's just cool because that was one of the best classes I ever took, it really got me excited about learning, and that's the best feeling (and can be rare sometimes) to have in school, so it was just nice to see successes for that prof.
So yes, I am kicking ass on these applications. By Sunday I should be done with that one last essay (if not tomorrow), and then I move on to doing everything I can to apply for scholarships, and then financial aid. It's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. I've sort of thought of the fact that I don't have New Year's resolutions, but very ambitious January goals. If all goes as planned, I'll be leaving Orcas on Feb 2nd. I'm trying to set myself a schedule in the meantime, since I'm currently unemployed, to work at this stuff 8 hours a day, more or less, because there's so much and so little time, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far.
And then I get to unwind with Grey's, which I think I become more obsessed with every time I watch it, I see more layers. It's not quite the same sort of intellectual stimulation as House is with all its mysteries, but it's not exactly lacking in that either, and it has emotional drama that sometimes I think is a bit absent in House.
There are some things that I think the writers of Grey's do really well, and one thing I noticed immediately is that every character is likable, even the ones you hate at first. Alex (my personal favorite of the dudes) is an ass in season 1 (didn't really like him at all then), but you very quickly get to see the other sides of him. I love him and Izzie together. Another example, probably the most obvious, is Addison. You want to hate her, because she comes in takes Derek away from Meredith, but even in the very next episode when they work together and Addison defends Meredith, well that's big, and the more she becomes a regular character, the more you sympathize with her and like her. And she's one of the wittiest. I think the same is true with Mark. He sort of comes in as a sort of bad guy, the manwhore, the guy who Addison cheated on Derek with, the guy who totally harasses interns, but before long, you see other sides of him too. And then the same is true of Lexie, Hahn, Rose, Sadie. What I'm saying is, every single character is complex, with different sides and ultimately in some way, very likable, and not in a love to hate way, but in a really likable human way. That's sort of unique in TV.
I feel a little ridiculous, but I so love this show, love the character development. And, like with all shows I like (though I do have to say that I think character development, speaking for the cast as a whole and not just main character, is much better in The Office and Grey's than in House) I get very curious about the writing, like how do they do it? Each character's story slowly builds, and they intertwine in these amazing ways. It just intrigues me as a writer, b/c it boggles my mind a little, how much it seems everything comes together seamlessly to create this great and complex story, how some things build and build and build for episodes, and just how it all comes together. I love listening to the commentaries too because it gives me even more insight, and intricacies and layers I might not have noticed.
I also LOVE that the episodes are named after songs, and I think that's pretty much without exception (there's some question about "The Self-Destruct Button" but still). I didn't think they all were, I was like, there's no way there's actually a song called "The Deterioration of the Flight or Fight Response" but there is, by Flaming Lips. I am just waiting for an episode to be named after a TOOL song, that'll be the day. I think it's possible. My world will be complete. Tori, Fiona, Soundgarden, Jeff Buckley and some others would be cool to see as episode titles too, but one named after a Tool song would just rock my world.
Well, not really, but if everything goes as swimmingly this year as my astrology suggests, and I'm swimming in unexpected fortunes and soulmates and financial windfalls and being showered with luck (obviously exaggerating here) that would just be the icing on a great 2009, lol.
Currently Reading:
"Musicophilia" - Oliver Sachs - this book is great. I mean how could I not love it, when it's about music, and about really obscure medical (mostly brain) stuff? Music and seizures, musical hallucinations, music's affect on all kinds of disorders. Ahhhh I love it.
Currently Listening:
"Cannonball" - Damien Rice - an old favorite. I have a strange relationship with this song. I love it, yet there was always a bugging quality about it, it just felt too catchy and generic, in music and lyrics and that always bothered me, but then the last time he gets to the chorus, he changes up the words, so among these lines like "Life taught me to die/Love taught me to lie..." which just doesn't have a real spark to it, he almost yells, "Come on courage, teach me to be shy," and that kinda stops me, like, what exactly does that mean? I like it, it's unusual, and he sings it with more feeling. So for me, that line makes the song.
And the thing is, I feel it. I definitely feel the energy shift. I mean I sort of do feel shot out of a cannon. I was totally in the dumps all through December, and worse after Xmas, but then in the week leading up to New Year's, something just changed, and I'm not going to question it one bit. I'm all about riding the wave.
So, as for India, I got my ass in gear about that, and I'm definitely going. It's so funny how once I started, everything sort of fell into place. I have my plane ticket. I finished all my vaccinations yesterday, which I'm still in some pretty serious burning and intense muscle pain from, fuck. I got permission to be gone from my apartment for longer than my lease allows, so I'm squared away there. I got someone to check in on my place and take care of my mail while I'm gone. I found out I could set up automatic bill pay to take care of most of my recurring financial concerns. I sent off my India Visa application today. Not to jinx anything, but a lot of loose ends that just two weeks ago seemed enormously overwhelming and impossible, are, well, pretty close to taken care of.
And as for college, I'm kicking even more ass on that front. I don't know if it was that last post (which I did take down, for my own reasons) or what, but I decided it was worth honoring the fact that I have real concerns about whether I'll like living in Bellingham. I can't shake the feeling that it's just too similar to where I live now, and Orcas is a place that I have loved, that my life wouldn't be the same without, a place that has been very close to my heart, in some ways more than any other place I've lived, but I've stayed too long and it's at the point where I feel so claustrophobic and caged living here that it's hard to remember that I have loved this place. And for whatever reason, Bellingham just doesn't feel different enough - it's a pretty small town, and I have this feeling that I might still feel a bit caged and cut off there too. And I don't really know how to put this into words, b/c I honestly do like Bellingham, but it doesn't feel all that alive to me, or that diverse, and I'm afraid I won't find people to hang with, that I'll be real lonely. A friend who went to school there as an older student (she was 24 I think, so older than a lot of undergrads but still younger than I am) said she had a hard time with that. I have this feeling like I'd drown in bluegrass music while craving rock. I could be totally off-base with this feeling, and it could stem from being so past done with living on Orcas (and hearing so many people say how comparable the two places are), but I do feel it's at least worth honoring that feeling enough to explore other options.
I still love Fairhaven and their program, all the classes they offer, the alternative, interdisciplinary structure, the exchanges they have with other schools, and something called the Adventure Learning Grant, which is another awesome study abroad opportunity. I get excited reading the course descriptions, so it's still on the table big-time. I'm also hoping to visit Bellingham again, sometime this month, to get more of a feel for it. I've been there a few times, but it's usually been pretty brief, and another visit couldn't hurt.
I just feel so much better that I've decided to consider other options. I had the best freaking time last year when I visited Emerson, and so I decided to go ahead and apply there, as well as another school in Boston. The cool thing is that they are part of the same consortium exchange thing, where students at one can take classes at the other, which makes me feel better, because there are things I like about both, and it widens the possibilities for classes to take.
Another place I'm looking at is Portland. I've loved that place every time I've been there, and of all the places I'm considering, I've visited there the most, which actually isn't saying all that much. And lately I keep hearing what an awesome literary scene they've got going on there. To me it feels vibrant and alive. They've got some great schools that are totally up on the interdisciplinary studies deal like Fairhaven is, and have some really strong writing programs to boot. I can't even count how many times I hear that Bellingham is Portland-lite, similar in some ways, but lacking in others, and without the same sort of diversity and vibrance, and it's like, why go lite without at least considering the real deal? So I'm looking into two schools there.
And then there's Olympia, which is also on the smaller side, but I figure it's good to have another in-state WA choice in mind, and Evergreen has got to be one of the most interdisciplinary schools out there. I visited once, almost five years ago, and it was pretty cool. I like that they really have a holistic approach to any subject, and they have some programs that look awesome, and one includes a trip to Egypt, which of course caught my eye. I also read that the whole school is completely energy-efficient, which is way cool.
All in all, I'm considering six schools, and let me just say, just the idea of considering more places than just Fairhaven has me feeling tremendously better. I thought that being set on Fairhaven was good for peace of mind, in the way that it left no uncertainty, it was settled, but I think that that settling wasn't quite honest with myself. I could easily end up choosing that school, and I could just as easily choose somewhere else. The point is, it's like a huge gust of fresh air to my spirit, the fact that it's more open now. In the end it'll come down to where I get accepted, what my financial aid packages look like, scholarships, where my credits transfer, and where each college ranks on my own personal preference list (which is TBD as of now, pending more visits to the ones I can visit before I leave).
In the last week, I've rocked my applications to all six - the apps are all in, the transcripts and recommendations are requested, forms are faxed, and many essays are written. I just have one supplemental essay left to write. One school also required a graded paper, and the coolest thing is, I checked with admissions, and I get to use a writing piece that was workshopped at the Orcas Island Writers Festival! I figured it would count, because the workshop leader who evaluated it (they wanted a paper with instructor's comments on it) usually teaches grad students, and that just had to count for something, and it did. I'm psyched, because I think it's a good piece, and the comments on there are great and extremely thorough, with a balance of praise and suggestions for improvement.
For some of this stuff, I've had to dig through the bowels of my memory to contact former teachers and advisors. In one case there was someone I had to find, and I could only remember the first name (I mean, it's been like, nine years here), and they didn't even work at the school I used to go to anymore, so, google has been my friend in finding old profs and the like to fill out forms. It was kind of cool, searching that stuff out. I found that one of my favorite professors, who I had in my first semester of college for intro astronomy, is getting all these grants for really cool studies (that honestly I don't entirely understand exactly what these studies are). It's just cool because that was one of the best classes I ever took, it really got me excited about learning, and that's the best feeling (and can be rare sometimes) to have in school, so it was just nice to see successes for that prof.
So yes, I am kicking ass on these applications. By Sunday I should be done with that one last essay (if not tomorrow), and then I move on to doing everything I can to apply for scholarships, and then financial aid. It's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. I've sort of thought of the fact that I don't have New Year's resolutions, but very ambitious January goals. If all goes as planned, I'll be leaving Orcas on Feb 2nd. I'm trying to set myself a schedule in the meantime, since I'm currently unemployed, to work at this stuff 8 hours a day, more or less, because there's so much and so little time, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far.
And then I get to unwind with Grey's, which I think I become more obsessed with every time I watch it, I see more layers. It's not quite the same sort of intellectual stimulation as House is with all its mysteries, but it's not exactly lacking in that either, and it has emotional drama that sometimes I think is a bit absent in House.
There are some things that I think the writers of Grey's do really well, and one thing I noticed immediately is that every character is likable, even the ones you hate at first. Alex (my personal favorite of the dudes) is an ass in season 1 (didn't really like him at all then), but you very quickly get to see the other sides of him. I love him and Izzie together. Another example, probably the most obvious, is Addison. You want to hate her, because she comes in takes Derek away from Meredith, but even in the very next episode when they work together and Addison defends Meredith, well that's big, and the more she becomes a regular character, the more you sympathize with her and like her. And she's one of the wittiest. I think the same is true with Mark. He sort of comes in as a sort of bad guy, the manwhore, the guy who Addison cheated on Derek with, the guy who totally harasses interns, but before long, you see other sides of him too. And then the same is true of Lexie, Hahn, Rose, Sadie. What I'm saying is, every single character is complex, with different sides and ultimately in some way, very likable, and not in a love to hate way, but in a really likable human way. That's sort of unique in TV.
I feel a little ridiculous, but I so love this show, love the character development. And, like with all shows I like (though I do have to say that I think character development, speaking for the cast as a whole and not just main character, is much better in The Office and Grey's than in House) I get very curious about the writing, like how do they do it? Each character's story slowly builds, and they intertwine in these amazing ways. It just intrigues me as a writer, b/c it boggles my mind a little, how much it seems everything comes together seamlessly to create this great and complex story, how some things build and build and build for episodes, and just how it all comes together. I love listening to the commentaries too because it gives me even more insight, and intricacies and layers I might not have noticed.
I also LOVE that the episodes are named after songs, and I think that's pretty much without exception (there's some question about "The Self-Destruct Button" but still). I didn't think they all were, I was like, there's no way there's actually a song called "The Deterioration of the Flight or Fight Response" but there is, by Flaming Lips. I am just waiting for an episode to be named after a TOOL song, that'll be the day. I think it's possible. My world will be complete. Tori, Fiona, Soundgarden, Jeff Buckley and some others would be cool to see as episode titles too, but one named after a Tool song would just rock my world.
Well, not really, but if everything goes as swimmingly this year as my astrology suggests, and I'm swimming in unexpected fortunes and soulmates and financial windfalls and being showered with luck (obviously exaggerating here) that would just be the icing on a great 2009, lol.
Currently Reading:
"Musicophilia" - Oliver Sachs - this book is great. I mean how could I not love it, when it's about music, and about really obscure medical (mostly brain) stuff? Music and seizures, musical hallucinations, music's affect on all kinds of disorders. Ahhhh I love it.
Currently Listening:
"Cannonball" - Damien Rice - an old favorite. I have a strange relationship with this song. I love it, yet there was always a bugging quality about it, it just felt too catchy and generic, in music and lyrics and that always bothered me, but then the last time he gets to the chorus, he changes up the words, so among these lines like "Life taught me to die/Love taught me to lie..." which just doesn't have a real spark to it, he almost yells, "Come on courage, teach me to be shy," and that kinda stops me, like, what exactly does that mean? I like it, it's unusual, and he sings it with more feeling. So for me, that line makes the song.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Cards, Signs and Numbers
As it says in my profile, along with being a writer and a music freak, I am also a tarot card reader, astrologer and numerologist, so I thought I'd take a little time and write about these things.
It's funny, I believe in these metaphysical sciences, and my own intuition when using them. I feel I have a pretty keen psychic sensibility (really, I think everyone does, to varying degrees), and have used these vehicles to harness that potential. There are times I know things beyond the basics of what a card or birth chart might indicate. In fact, especially with tarot, which I feel is my strongest of the three modes, I'd say that pretty much always happens. I get a sense of something beyond just the card, or because of the cards, I feel something in my own emotional field that is more than just the picture on the six of wands, for example. Also with tarot, the cards can be interpreted differently in different situations, so I feel there is something else at work there, some gut instinct, along with knowing the cards really wel.
Actually, one time, when "applying" to work at a metaphysical shop doing readings, the owner asked me to give her a reading using marbles, which I had never done before. So I was without my cards and signs and couldn't rely on their meanings, so I really had to go with absolute gut instinct, the images that came to mind and the feelings they evoked. And it worked. It was a great revelation to me, because the self-critical part of me always thinks that maybe there's no magic and no intuition, that all I'm really good at is memorizing meanings of cards. The marble experience pushed me to go beyond that, and I hope I will someday have more experiences to help further my intuition and my reliance on it.
That's the right-brain part of me. The left brain part of me is a complete skeptic that any of this works. In fact, I think my skepticism is why I like astrology. It's metaphysical, but it involves a lot of math, with degrees, angles, aspects. I always liked math. BUt yeah, I'm skeptical and cynical about the same thing, which makes it nice when I do readings and people tell me how much it fits their life, or when people come up to me months later and say that everything from their reading came true. It always surprises me because that more science-minded part of me just doesn't fully trust that cards and signs mean anything. But, I think they do.
I also think they don't preclude free will. I think all these things show tendencies, patterns, the way the wind is blowing, rather than inescapable absolutes. My personal beliefs lie somewhere between predestination and free will (a topic I love dissecting and discussing to no end), and that the two don't have to be mutually exclusive.
In all of these areas, though I have been working with them for awhile now, I am still learning. Every time I give a reading, I learn something new. And I love that. I feel like I'm constantly honing and deepening my skill and understanding. Then there are things in these disciplines that bug me or that I wonder about, and I'm sure I'll be blogging more about it all.
Anyone, on to a brief description of my own relationship to the the three tools (or toys, as I sometimes like to call them):
Currently Listening:
"Famous Blue Raincoat" - Tori Amos
(Leonard Cohen cover)
It's funny, I believe in these metaphysical sciences, and my own intuition when using them. I feel I have a pretty keen psychic sensibility (really, I think everyone does, to varying degrees), and have used these vehicles to harness that potential. There are times I know things beyond the basics of what a card or birth chart might indicate. In fact, especially with tarot, which I feel is my strongest of the three modes, I'd say that pretty much always happens. I get a sense of something beyond just the card, or because of the cards, I feel something in my own emotional field that is more than just the picture on the six of wands, for example. Also with tarot, the cards can be interpreted differently in different situations, so I feel there is something else at work there, some gut instinct, along with knowing the cards really wel.
Actually, one time, when "applying" to work at a metaphysical shop doing readings, the owner asked me to give her a reading using marbles, which I had never done before. So I was without my cards and signs and couldn't rely on their meanings, so I really had to go with absolute gut instinct, the images that came to mind and the feelings they evoked. And it worked. It was a great revelation to me, because the self-critical part of me always thinks that maybe there's no magic and no intuition, that all I'm really good at is memorizing meanings of cards. The marble experience pushed me to go beyond that, and I hope I will someday have more experiences to help further my intuition and my reliance on it.
That's the right-brain part of me. The left brain part of me is a complete skeptic that any of this works. In fact, I think my skepticism is why I like astrology. It's metaphysical, but it involves a lot of math, with degrees, angles, aspects. I always liked math. BUt yeah, I'm skeptical and cynical about the same thing, which makes it nice when I do readings and people tell me how much it fits their life, or when people come up to me months later and say that everything from their reading came true. It always surprises me because that more science-minded part of me just doesn't fully trust that cards and signs mean anything. But, I think they do.
I also think they don't preclude free will. I think all these things show tendencies, patterns, the way the wind is blowing, rather than inescapable absolutes. My personal beliefs lie somewhere between predestination and free will (a topic I love dissecting and discussing to no end), and that the two don't have to be mutually exclusive.
In all of these areas, though I have been working with them for awhile now, I am still learning. Every time I give a reading, I learn something new. And I love that. I feel like I'm constantly honing and deepening my skill and understanding. Then there are things in these disciplines that bug me or that I wonder about, and I'm sure I'll be blogging more about it all.
Anyone, on to a brief description of my own relationship to the the three tools (or toys, as I sometimes like to call them):
Currently Listening:
"Famous Blue Raincoat" - Tori Amos
(Leonard Cohen cover)
Astrology
In chart readings, I look at the position of all the planets at the time of a person's birth, which makes up a person's birthchart. Some "planets" (in quotes because a few aren't technically, scientifically planets, but are referred to that way in astrology) have more of an influence than others, like the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus and Mars. Once you get to the bigger aand more distant planets (which move more and more slowly through the signs), I tend to think their influence in a person's chart is less. Another interesting thing to look at is the ascendant, or rising sign, which I think of as the secondary Sun sign in a way. For those who aren't familiar with astrology and its terms, whatever sign you look up in the newspaper to check a simple horoscope is your Sun sign. So, if some guy comes up to me and says, "hey baby, what's your sign?" and I answer that it's Aquarius, that's my Sun sign.
In a chart, each planet in a sign is also in a house, which gives more depth of understanding to the inner workings of the person. After studying all those signs and houses, I would also look at the concentration of elements (like, for example, I have an insane number of planets in air signs and air houses, which indicates certain things about my personality). There are other things to look at too, like if all the planets are concentrated in a certain area of the chart (which is basically a circle divided into twelve sections, simply put). Then there are aspects, where each panet is in relation to each other. Does a person's Venus oppose their Mars? Does their Jupiter square their Mercury? Does their Sun trine their ascendant? All of these give even more insight into a person's core make-up. Also in relationships, it's always interesting to look at how people's charts match up with their partner's. I know that if if someone handed me a copy of my chart, and the chart of the person I currently love, I would look at it and be able to describe some of our relationship issues in detail. Of course, some of that's because I know us, but a lot of it's in the stars too. Like I said, I don't think it's set in stone, but I do think that charts give a good overview of a person's tendencies, stregths, hang-ups, quirks, issues, interests, behavior patterns, psychological makeup, and more.
There's is also something in astrology called the North Node (sometimes called the Moon's True Node), which I always put some extra emphasis and focus on. What it often indicates is what a person is working towards, or what their purpose is in this life, or major life lesson. Always with a North Node, a person is moving away from one sign and towards another. So, for example, my own North Node is Leo. The sign opposite Leo (and therefore, my South Node) is Aquarius, so part of my life path is to move from Aquarian tendencies to Leo-ish tendencies. I find studying the North Node to be one of the most spot on tools for pinpointing what core issues and hang-ups are, and also indicates what strategies a person can use to work through these things and to live a more satisfying life.
Currently Listening:
"Tremor Christ" - Pearl Jam
In a chart, each planet in a sign is also in a house, which gives more depth of understanding to the inner workings of the person. After studying all those signs and houses, I would also look at the concentration of elements (like, for example, I have an insane number of planets in air signs and air houses, which indicates certain things about my personality). There are other things to look at too, like if all the planets are concentrated in a certain area of the chart (which is basically a circle divided into twelve sections, simply put). Then there are aspects, where each panet is in relation to each other. Does a person's Venus oppose their Mars? Does their Jupiter square their Mercury? Does their Sun trine their ascendant? All of these give even more insight into a person's core make-up. Also in relationships, it's always interesting to look at how people's charts match up with their partner's. I know that if if someone handed me a copy of my chart, and the chart of the person I currently love, I would look at it and be able to describe some of our relationship issues in detail. Of course, some of that's because I know us, but a lot of it's in the stars too. Like I said, I don't think it's set in stone, but I do think that charts give a good overview of a person's tendencies, stregths, hang-ups, quirks, issues, interests, behavior patterns, psychological makeup, and more.
There's is also something in astrology called the North Node (sometimes called the Moon's True Node), which I always put some extra emphasis and focus on. What it often indicates is what a person is working towards, or what their purpose is in this life, or major life lesson. Always with a North Node, a person is moving away from one sign and towards another. So, for example, my own North Node is Leo. The sign opposite Leo (and therefore, my South Node) is Aquarius, so part of my life path is to move from Aquarian tendencies to Leo-ish tendencies. I find studying the North Node to be one of the most spot on tools for pinpointing what core issues and hang-ups are, and also indicates what strategies a person can use to work through these things and to live a more satisfying life.
Currently Listening:
"Tremor Christ" - Pearl Jam
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