Germs on the Playground (Or, Constant Eclipse - Flash Two)

During recess on the playground, I played with my best friend Lisa, a quiet girl with the straightest, longest brown hair in our grade. We sat in a tunnel and played Outer Space, which meant we named ourselves after planets.

“Do you like New Kids on the Block?” she asked me.

“What’s that, Mercury?”

“A music group. Everyone loves them.”

I shook my head. “I never heard of it.” At my house we only listened to Sesame Street and Disney.

“Oh,” Lisa said. “Hey Jupiter, let’s go to the tower.” I liked being called Jupiter. I played it over and over in my head as we walked across the wooden playground. I wanted to be someone else.

“Ewww!” yelled Awful Andy as we passed by his group of boys on our way to the tower. “Everyone get away! We’ll get Chrys germs!” The boys scattered and shrieked. One of them stopped running, turned and asked, “How many fingers am I holding up?” in a taunting voice. I could see the blurry shape of his hand, but it was too far away for me to make out individual fingers. I would never admit that I couldn't see well enough to know. It would prove they were right in their teasing, and give them more to use against me. Instead of answering, I ran after the boys as they dove away in horror. “I do not have any germs!” I screamed.

They were too fast for me to chase. “You can't catch us, Grandma!” yelled Lance. I knew it was him by his voice, and because he always called me Grandma, for my white hair. “Grandma's too slow,” he said to one of the other boys in the group. They were about ten feet away, and it was hard for me to distinguish their faces, especially because they were boys. Girls were easier to tell from far away because their clothes, backpacks and hairstyles were more unique and distinct. The boys all wore dark colors and had similar short haircuts, so I would've had to be closer to discern the details and separate them by names.

Lisa caught up to me as I made mean faces at the boys in the distance. We could still hear them talking. “She's a ghost,” said one, and I cringed. I hated when they called me that. “It's good we didn't catch her germs,” said another, kicking at the gravel and stirring up clouds of dust I could see. “Did you ever notice,” asked yet another boy in the huddle, “that every time she sharpens a pencil, she puts it so close to her eye and stares at it?” That must've been Kurt, because he always laughed at me after I came away from the pencil sharpener in our classroom and studied the tip of my pencil to make sure it was sharp. “She's a freak,” he said.

“Come on, Jupiter,” Lisa said quietly. “Let's go to the tower and play Outer Space some more.” We walked back to the castle but I kept looking back at the boys, my mouth slightly open. I wanted to run after them, prove that I wasn't a freak or a grandma and it wasn't my fault I had to look close at things like pencils to see if they were sharp, or hands to see how many fingers they were holding up. And that I didn't have germs.

Deep down though, I felt like a ghost, a weirdo beyond weirdos, and even though I wanted to, I felt like I had no solid grounds to defend myself. I sat in the tower with Lisa, and felt more like a mealworm than a celestial body.

Lisa came over my house that afternoon. “Well, how was school?” Mom asked as we settled in with my brother Randy for an afternoon snack. It had to be healthy so we had peanut butter crackers. Mom sat down at the table with us.

“They did the ‘Chrys germs’ thing again,” I said and bit into my cracker.

“Did you provoke it?” She was across the table so it was hard for me to see her features, but her voice made it sound like they must be hard.

“No,” I said right away. “They’re mean, Mom.”

“It’s really stupid,” Lisa chimed in my defense. “I mean, they’re just so dumb. You don’t have germs. And even, let’s say you really did, it’s not like you catch them just like that.” She tapped me quick on the shoulder. “Boop!”

“Right,” I said. Even Randy, who was two years younger and probably didn’t know what germs were, nodded his head.

“Actually,” said Mom, “germs do jump that fast.”

I couldn’t finish my crackers. I was crushed. Sometimes it felt like she thought I had germs too. She didn't ever touch me. I had the strong feeling that she was ashamed of my albinism, of having a child who was such a freak. It was a topic we never touched. That shame seeped into me like osmosis.

*******

This is my second #FridayFlash - short pieces of writing posted every Friday, so keep reading! This is an excerpt from the very beginning of my memoir, Moonchild, a memoir about being a freshman in college with albinism.

Before the bulk of the book is a section called Eclipses, four chapters about my childhood and adolescence before college that really shaped that experience. This one is from the first chapter, Constant Eclipse, which is about my life when I was in elementary school.

Some names have been changed.

Another excerpt from the same area of the memoir:

Constant Eclipse - Flash One


Currently Listening:
"American Cowboy" - Jada - I can't believe I'm publicly admitting to listening to this song, b/c it's soooo not my style, and it's pretty stupid (and I'm not into cowboys, lol), but I blame House for getting me stuck on this song - for anyone who watched Season 5, it's the song from Chase's bachelor party. It's infuriatingly addicting and strangely, I like it, kind of a lot. So there!

Odds & Ends on a Perfectly Dreary Tuesday Morning

First of all, I'm really glad I joined #FridayFlash - it has been really nice to post my work, to see that more people are reading and to read the work of other writers. They're all less than 1,000 words, so it's great to have quick reads like that. I encourage anyone who reads here to pop into the comments section on the #FridayFlash post below and read some of the other Flashers' work. Hmmm, that sounds pretty dirty; I love it.

I also want to direct you to Joy in Hope the organization that my good friend Stargazerleo's cousins are part of in Haiti. They have been living there for several years now. Also, at the end of J. M. Strother's #FridayFlash (he is the creator of FridayFlash) there are some links to aid organizations, including a cross-listing. I have been reading that small donations are really making a difference, so even though I am really not in a good spot financially at the moment, I gave to Doctors Without Borders this morning.

And! Just announced! The lovely Linda Simoni-Wastila is donating $1 for every comment on her Help Haiti post to Doctors Without Borders. If you link her post on your blog, she'll double it! And while you're over there, taking the time to make a simple comment so she can donate a dollar on your behalf, you should check out her writing too, because she's awesome.

For anyone in the Portland area and especially other Portland State students, there will be a blood drive on campus (SMSU 3rd Floor Ballroom):

Monday 2/1 11:00-4:00
Tuesday 2/2 11:00-4:00
Wednesday 2/3 11:00-4:00

You can make a donation appointment online by clicking the link below. You can also contact Gwyn Ashcom at gwyn@pdx.edu or at 503-725-5123 to schedule your donation appointment.

give blood

I'm going to do it if I can - I can't remember what the restrictions are regarding tattoos, but as long as they don't mind that I got one ten months ago, in a third world country, I'm going to give.


Speaking of doctors and international relief work, I came across Redundancy Redefined, a blog by Scott, a member of my study group. The most recent post, The Kurdish Surgeon is an interview with Mina Meman who is embarking on a journey to make a documentary about health care in Kurdistan, which I think is amazing, and the interview is really worth a read.

So many people are doing so many amazing things in the world.

And (maybe?) that brings us to my life which is not nearly so interesting or having such a profound impact on the world, at the moment anyway. It just feels like I'm overdue for some updates.

The first week back in class was really hard. Biology wasn't, but surprisingly, my singing class and my self-defense class both were difficult. In the singing class, we do a lot of movement, including lots of physical exercises to get us ready to sing, posture training, and some movement games, and all of that is really hard for me to follow visually. I felt like quitting after the first day I was so frustrated. I just can't see the nuances of posture or the intricacy of movements so I often can't keep up and it felt humiliating because while others were following perfectly, I just couldn't and felt like I looked like an idiot. So it has been challenging. Add to that that while reading the syllabus I realized we have to do three solo performances that are graded, and there is a whole section on musical theater, which means a lot more movement. I was more worried that this class might bring down my GPA than I ever worried about Biology! Eeeeeeek! But I decided to stick with it. I've always wanted to learn to sing, and the instructor is being really helpful and encouraging, so I decided to keep going. It's gotten easier, now that I'm more used to the movements that we do, and it's gotten more fun and less stressful. Still, the performances seem scary and I'm sure I'll be a nervous wreck.

We also will have a midterm in the singing class, and a lot of that will actually be a test on anatomy. We are spending a lot of time going over the anatomy of the throat, the larynx, the tongue, the ribs and intercostal muscles, etc. And I am loving that part of things.

Self-defense was even harder. The class was in a big room, and there were a LOT of students. I really couldn't follow just about anything in the first class, and felt so frustrated I wanted to cry. The things we were learning in that class, like how to be assertive, yell strongly, etc, are really not my strong point too. I felt like I was one of the shyest people in the class, which only made me feel worse about not being able to keep up. There were some other things that made the class even harder, and I decided not to stay with that class. Since I think I really do need those skills, though, I found something else, which I think will be even better. I found a class offered through the Portland police department's WomensStrength Program. It's free (rather than paying tuition for a credit hour), and they are on the up and up about accommodations, and they said I will have someone working with me individually during the class, that's what they do for visually-impaired students. Right on! And the place is really easy to get to on public transit. The first class is on my birthday.

And then I have Biology. It's been great. This quarter goes at a slower pace than last term, and the material seems a lot easier. Evolution is pretty straightforward. There's been a lot of vocabulary, and new concepts, and I'm enjoying the class, but it's just not as hard, or as frenetically paced as last term. And part of me misses that, because it was so challenging. I notice I'm not quite as motivated this time around because it just really, so far, isn't that difficult. Lab has been interesting, too. They re-structured it a bit from last term. Tomorrow for the first time ever in my life, I will be doing a dissection (of a perch). I feel like I should be grossed out, or have some ethical concerns, but the honest truth is that I'm kind of really psyched, like how fucking cool is that?! I want to see innards. I'll get to see the heart and the intestines and the liver and the gills and the stomach and the pyloric ceca (whatever that is). The thing that worries me most is how bad it's all going to smell. Before lab, I have my first Bio exam for the quarter tomorrow, so it'll be an exciting day. After all of that, I'll be helping a friend of mine from Orcas who moved to Portland awhile ago to go to midwifery school celebrate her 30th birthday, so tomorrow is a loaded day, and I probably should be studying, and reading up on my dissection, but procrastination prevails.

In other news, I'm going to Baltimore for a weekend at the end of the month, for a training program with the National Federation of the Blind's College Leadership Program. I don't know what to expect, but should be interesting. It will be one hell of a whirlwind trip, flying out on a Friday, flying back earlyish on Sunday, and hopefully it'll be worth the time and effort! After the leadership program, the NFB heads to DC for their annual Washington Seminar where lots of blind and visually-impaired people gather to talk to their Congressional representatives about issues that effect the blind community. It goes on through most of the week that follows that weekend, and I'm a little sad I can't go and experience the whole thing, but I have class, performance in music, and my second exam in bio coming up. So I'll just be at the Baltimore part of it, and hopefully that will be really great.

Want to hear something that just makes my day? So, every episode of Grey's Anatomy is named after a song, and there have been some good ones so far - the ones I've appreciated have mostly been classic rock or REM and one Nine Inch Nails - but nothing from any band that I really love. We're on Season 6 here, so I was sort of giving up hope but always really wanting to have an episode named after a song I love, especially since I love to name chapters and pieces of writing after songs or song references. Well I just found out that the episode that comes out on my birthday is called "State of Love and Trust" which for anyone who doesn't know, is a song by Pearl Jam from the "Singles" soundtrack. I love that song! It's quirky but that just totally made my day. I can't wait!


Currently listening:
"Famous Blue Raincoat" - Tori Amos (cover) - probably one of my favorite covers she's done. The song is originally by Leonard Cohen, and if you pay attention to the lyrics, they're like a letter. From what I remember reading, Tori wanted to cover the song, vocally, as if she was Jane, who had stolen the letter and was reading it out loud. I just love the words, the music, the atmosphere of the song, and her voice. It's full of emotion, and has a melancholy feel to it.

It's 4 in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now to see if you're better
New York is cold but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening

I hear that you're building your little house, deep in the desert
I hear you're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
On the night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Last time I saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat torn at the shoulder
Been to the station to meet every train
You came home alone without lili marlene

You treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife

Well, I see you there with a rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well, I see Jane's awake

She sends her regards

What can I tell you my brother, my killer?
What can I possibly say?
Hey, I guess that I miss you
I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way

If you ever come by here
For Jane
No, for me
Your enemy is sleeping
And his woman is free

Well, thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
On the night that you planned to go clear

Sincerely, L. Cohen

Albino

Since I am going to be posting some of my writing here, and a lot of my writing is memoir, I thought I'd preface all that with a brief discussion of the condition that I have, which is called albinism, as it obviously colors my story and who I am. I thought it would be a good reference point for future stories. I also thought it would be good for any new readers (and I always want those, and want to make this place as user-friendly as possible) and also for long-time readers because I am still working on being more comfortable talking about it. And I want to welcome discussion, if anyone has questions or comments.


Here it is:

I am albino. Albinism is a recessive genetic condition characterized by lack of pigment and legal blindness. My skin and hair are paler than pale, and my eyes are a translucent blue that sometimes looks red in the light. Since albinism is recessive and fairly rare, I'm the only one in my family with the condition.

As an albino, I'm sensitive to light. Outside I wear sunscreen, and either dark glasses with UV protection or hats with dark brims. Bright light hurts my eyes and makes my eyesight worse, blotting out everything else around me so all I see is blinding brightness.

My eyes move all the time. It's another part of albinism called nystagmus. Even if I'm staring at a fixed point, my eyes jiggle. I don't notice it myself and often feel like I'm looking in a steady direction, but the constant eye movement makes my vision loss visible to everyone else. I live in the murky territory of visual impairment: legally blind, technically classified as disabled, but not totally blind. I rely on my limited vision, a heightened sense of sound and a lot of guessing to get along in the world.


So, there you have it, in a nutshell.


Currently Listening:
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows - oddly sort of almost appropriate to the post, but not really. Hmmm. Some people might know this song from the "Cruel Intentions" soundtrack of oh-so-many years ago, but I know it from their third album, This Desert Life, which is such a good album, and one I haven't listened to all the way through in years. It always reminds me of the spring of my freshman year of college (as does their debut, August and Everything After) - there is something really atmospheric about their songs, even though they don't really come out with atmospheric music. It's hard to explain, it's like I get a feeling I can't really name or hold onto that almost feels like a memory of a past life in a different place when I listen to them. Somewhere hot and humid with warm wind as early as March, with a certain feeling in the air that I really can't grasp. Time to go listen more fully.


I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded
and unfolding, I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready, I am
fine
I am fine

Gearing up for Winter 2010

Classes start on Monday! In one sense it feels like I've been on break forever, and in another it feels like it's all starting up again so soon.

My main class will be the continuation of the biology class I took last quarter. This time though, the focus will be on evolution for the first half of the term and plant form and function for the second half of the term. I'm excited for both, though I read somewhere that in the evolution section the students have to memorize phylogenetic trees (basically these charts with branches showing how closely or distantly different species are related based on their rRNA sequences) and that sounds a bit tedious. Still, I'm sure it will be interesting. And I'm psyched for plants, even though last quarter I felt like the chapter on photosynthesis was the one I had the hardest time really committing to memory and understanding. I just think it'll be really fascinating to learn more about how plants, trees, flowers, etc. work. The class will be split between a professor I never had before for the first half, and my professor from last quarter for the second half.

And lab should be really interesting too. I heard from a study partner who took this class last year that the labs are a lot more fun for this quarter of the yearlong class. And I heard from my prof. from last quarter that they are trying some new labs and that sounds like it'll be exciting and fun. I will have my lab assistant again this coming quarter, and a different TA. I'm glad I have it during the week this time around, instead of Saturday afternoons, b/c it meant I could never take off for the weekend or anything, but I did get used to it, and hope I'll get used to having my Wednesday afternoons spent in lab instead.

For anyone who read this post about a course sign-up dilemma that led me to consider taking a singing class, I signed up for it! So I will be taking voice right after Bio lets out, and must say that I'm really looking forward to it. I have wanted to do this for soooo long, and always had trouble finding a way to make it happen, so I am going to soak it up!

At that point I was at 7 credits, and I have to stay at 8 (or under, but not above), so I had one more spot left for a one-credit class, and I decided to take another leap into something I've been wanting to do for awhile - I signed up for a self-defense class. I actually had to go out and find some workout clothes because the only thing I had was from when I was much smaller and definitely no longer fit. It's definitely the class I'm most nervous about. Traditionally, gym classes have been pretty hard for me visually. The human body is an intricate thing and it's just hard for me to see the exact movements that the teacher is modeling, and I'm not too well coordinated or adept at phys ed stuff. It's just not my forte. In fact sometimes in the past taking this kind of class has been downright traumatic and just incredibly difficult and painful.

So I am nervous about it, and trying not to indulge an urge to opt out before I even experience the first class. I'm trying to remind myself that I have taken yoga classes on Orcas, and did gymnastics as a kid and dance lessons in India, so, there is hope. And I've contacted the instructor ahead of time, hoping to find a time to meet and just touch base about my disability. I think it will be a good class, and definitely an important skill to have. I mean I'm a visually-impaired girl walking around downtown in a city by myself a lot. And I like to feel free to do whatever I want, and sometimes that includes going to visit people or places that aren't so close to me and drinking and then coming home on the bus and walking late at night. I mean, I do this anyway, but I would like to feel like I have some skills to protect myself if I ever encounter a scary situation. Especially since I am no longer so into the idea of getting a guide dog.

All in all, I'm looking forward to the new quarter.

Currently Reading:
Day Breaks Over Dharamsala - Janet Thomas - will definitely have more to say about this book as I go along, and as its author begins marketing. It will soon be widely available but for now I think is only at Griffin Bay Books in Friday Harbor, WA, or available directly from the author. So I am going to wait to say more until I can help promote it, because this is a total brilliant masterpiece of real human life.

The Real Grey's Anatomy - Andrew Holtz - I don't know how I happened upon this book, but I guess that is the magic of Powell's Books. This book also isn't out yet, the copyright says 2010 and what I have is a copy that says "Uncorrected Proofs for Limited Distribution/NOT FOR SALE," yet I found it for sale at a discounted price. In the book, the author, a medical journalist, follows the real lives of surgical interns, and has millions of references to lines and scenes from the show, which just tickles me. The coolest part is the surgical interns and residents he follows are here in Portland at OHSU, so it has a local flavor (also cool since Grey's takes place in Seattle, so both have the Pacific Northwest in common). The book doesn't even have a real cover, just a yellow dummy cover. I think it's cool. And it is true that it's uncorrected, I've found errors and I've only read the first few pages so far. This author also wrote a book called The Medical Science Behind House, M.D. but (maybe surprisingly) I haven't read that yet.


Currently Listening:
"Life is Short" - Butterfly Boucher - love this song, from the Pilot episode of Grey's.

When it doesn't rain, it snows
Yeah the cookie crumbles, but in whose hands?
All things said and all things done
Life is short

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Life's too short

Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, Could this be
The day I've waited for?

Another door to peak in through
The floor is filthy but the couch is clean
At the end of the day, it's another day gone
Life is short
Oooh, life is short

Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, could this be
The day I've waited for?

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Oh I am young but I have a past
Travelled far to find the start
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt
But life is short

Oh, oh could this be
Oh, oh could this be
The day I've waited for?

I Just Had the Coolest Afternoon!

Wow.

Okay, I just had an awesome afternoon. Today I met with a woman who works as a naturopathic physician who is totally blind. I mean, WOW. Totally inspiring. It's one of those times that reminds me that my visual impairment is NOT an excuse to not do things! I mean this woman is a doctor! She went through classes like gross anatomy and diagnostic imaging with no eyesight at all. How amazing is that?!?! It makes me feel like, yes, I can do science stuff, and there are all kinds of alternative techniques to do visually-intense things, in school and in life.

She also invited me to a group of blind and visually-impaired knitters and I'm going to do it. I'm good with my hands, and that is something that I've always felt that if I were taught how to do, I could really do by feel. So I am going to go get my knit on and be a stitchin' bitch! It'll be really nice to get connected with the visually-impaired community too. I'm psyched about that!

I came away from that appointment feeling really fired up and inspired. I also felt SO affirmed in my decision to attend school rather than that program in CO. She had some insight about that and the organization that totally backed up the feelings I was getting about things. I still want to make a post about that someday, about groups and organizations and their "central dogma" to use a bio term, but feel I need to really carefully consider my words b/c I am worried about the response. Anyway I felt like I learned SO much from her today about what I can do to succeed in science classes. She keyed me in to some really great strategies and techniques, and she's local so I feel like she's someone I could talk to if anything came up. WOW.

Not to mention, if I haven't already that there is a visually-impaired chemistry prof. at my school, who just happens to be the brother in law of a good friend of mine from Orcas. He helped me move in even! So I just have to say, it's yet another thing that makes me feel like I am SO GLAD I am here. I feel like Portland is just teeming with resources. And I was kind of in a funk, so this inspiring afternoon was just what the doctor ordered! It really is good to remember that whatever I choose to do in life, the eyesight is not a good enough excuse not to. I mean hell now they have blind people working for NASA, and there is a woman in WA who is working hard to be an FBI investigator even though she is blind. So it's like, fuck yeah!

The coolest part was, this was a chance meeting in a way. One of the presenters for my one-credit class a few weeks ago said something that made me want to ask her a follow-up question. The class is huge, so I waited at the end of the line to talk to her and when we met, she asked me about my eyesight and I said yeah I am visually-impaired, and she said, "Oh I have to connect you with this person I know, she's brilliant..." and so she called me a few hours later with this woman's contact info, and we talked and decided to meet this afternoon. It was just awesome! This seems to be the place of chance encounters, let me tell you. There is a crazy story about how a girl who used to live on Orcas randomly met the director of the company that put on my India program, and they bonded over the fact that they both knew me, and then there were some other WILD coincidences with that. Just makes me feel like I am in the right place!

Okay well, I have to get ready for class. We have our second exam on Monday, on much harder material but still I am going to fucking ROCK IT!

Currently Listening:
"Someone Else's Life" - Joshua Radin - I still don't know what to think of this guy. It's like I can't tell if he's really emotionally sincere, or a real tool. I mean, I like him a lot but I do get a feeling that something is lacking somehow, some element of rawness or depth or intensity or something. Still, I like. A lot. And he worked with Tori, a major point in his favor in my book!

Somehow
I'm leading someone else's life
I cut a star down with my knife

And right now
I still see the way the moon
Plays this tune
Though our lights died.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

And somehow
I'll make tonight our own
I'll show you every way I've grown
Since I met you

And right now
I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along
If you let me.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

If you let me,
I'll show the world to you.
Yes, if you let me,
I'll know just what to do.

Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.

When I'm lost
In your eyes
I see a way for me

The Big Move

So, the last week or two was like a whirlwind, but I am here, live, writing to you from my campus computer lab. Should get internet hooked up at home tomorrow.

Speaking of home, I moved into my new apartment on Saturday and it is cool. It is small, definitely smaller than my apartment on Orcas (and way more expensive), but it will totally work. I am on the top floor, which means it's pretty warm, but I can leave my windows open without worry, and there's a fan, and I never have to hear anyone else's noise, just inflict mine on others, lol.

The kitchen is a closet literally, it folds out and there is a lot of shelf room, and the fridge is a mini and the oven looks like it was built for a midget, but I'm going to make it work for me. I am such a natural nester that I've already set it up and organized things. I have TONS of closet space. As one of the people who helpmed move me in siad, I have more closets in my apartment than he does in his house! So that is helping with organization and all that. And one of the closets has a full length mirror on the door! That is cool.

Aside from that, it's a cool place. The building is pretty old, the elevator is literally the same kind they have in India - very old, which made moving in kinda interesting. It is nice to have a new home though, and to not have to worry about sharing with a stranger. I am loving setting it up and have almost everything unpacked already. My friend HOlly is visiting in a few days and she will help me decorate and set up more. I have to say, I am really, really psyched about my place.

Also the location is AWESOME. I am so close to campus that my building is within the campus map. It's two blocks from where I will have my lab class. I'm within walking distance of Powell's bookstore, about a block from the main Portland library, close to the farmer's market (which is actually on campus) and feel really centrally located. It is definitely downtown living, very different from Orcas life. The noise outside never stops, but I can sleep through anything, so it's cool. The best part is that even though I am down town I actually have a great tree-filled view! That just makes my heart happy.

I am very thankful to everyone who helped me move - to Heather for arranging it, Joe for driving and getting helpers, Heather, Rob, Eli, Ezekiel and Trish for helping load the car, Trish for getting the rest of stuff out of my storage, Joe for getting help unloading, Kelly for letting me crash in her basement again for the few nights after I arrived and before I could move in, Joe, Harry, Tracy and David for helping move all the stuff in on the rustic elevator. I could not have done it alone.

In other news, classes start today. I will have my first class in a few hours. I'm excited and intimidated by it all, but in the last few days I have gotten so much done, aside from moving. I went to several new student seminars, navigated around campus, registered and got set up with the Disabily Resource Center, got my bus pass and student ID, paid tuition with student loans, bought my textbook (which if I haven't said already, is 1300 pages! The study guide alone is over 400), set up my student online account. It feels like the opposite of last time I was here, where for the first few days I was overwhelmed and freaked out, having that off-island culture shock. I felt none of that this time. I woke up the first morning I was here and got myself on a bus to school to go attend a seminar of great personal academic interest. I just felt like I was rockin' it. I guess I was very ready to leave Orcas.

Somehow in the middle of that I also managed to see David Cross and Pearl Jam. Know what else I have seen? A lot of blind and disabled people. It's awesome. I swear I have hardly ridden the bus without that experience. And the other day I was walking from campus to a bus stop and was walking behind this guy and I suddenly saw he was walking with a cane, as in the blind long white cane. And on the bus the other day I met someone else with albinism. I also saw a girl today in the Disability Resource Center who is taking Anatomy & Physiology, which was very inspiring to see. I need to believe that I can do science stuff despite my eyesight, b/c I get scared and have doubts sometimes.

There is a lot of diversity here in general - people speaking other languages, from all kinds of cultures, and I'm psyched by the wide array of student clubs. There are so many that just reflect a hugely diverse student body. There is even an Atheists and Agnostics Forum! Right on!

Well I am off to go find my way to my classes so I don't get lost later and get to class late. Just wanted to give everyone the update! Will update my contact info on Facebook in a minute.

Yes, this is my Final Answer

for the million dollar question in the game of What the Fuck Am I Doing with My Life?

Anyone who's been following my blog this summer knows that I've had some back and forth thoughts about whether to start school in the fall or to attend a training center for the visually-impaired in Denver. But what you don't know unless you're one of the unfortunate people to have spent a lot of time with me in recent months is how intense and unending this indecision has been. I thought for sure I would go to school no matter what. Then I was unsure. Then I was certain about the center. Then indecision. Then school. Then the center. Then back and forth again and again, ad nauseam. And each time, I was SURE that I had come to a final decision.

And I mean really, I feel sorry for those who have been around me most. I was telling my friend Holly she should shoot me (she declined of course but I think she secretly wanted to, she's heard every nuance of every rethinking of the decision process and all my worries and calculations and meanderings). I can't overstate how freaking crazy I drove myself and those around me. I feel bad that every time my friend Willa from India called me this summer, it was always when I was reconsidering and in indecision, and every time we talked I was like, "My head just hurts, I want this all to stop!" And I feel bad for my friend Kelly, who got revised emails of my plans every week or so. But for all my friends who I drove crazy, I guarantee I drove myself CRAZIER!

There have literally been times I've avoided going places on Orcas b/c I didn't want to deal with people asking me how my plans had changed and I got tired of explaining myself and going back and forth. I can't remember ever feeling quite so mentally exhausted. And I'm happy to say (and how truly do I hope I'm really for real this time). I have finally come to a real decision that I don't think I will go back on.

I am going to school!

A few major factors affected this decision. First was a DVD I watched the weekend before last about the Colorado Center - it turned me off. There wasn't a single thing about the science training (which would be the main reason that I would be going), and as part of the program students have to wear sleepshades (aka blindfolds) so that they learn to rely on other senses to learn the skills, which makes sense but also bothers me some (also it was one thing to know about it, but seeing it in the video was pretty unsettling). That and a lot of the skills taught don't really apply to me. I mean, yes my vision sucks, but it's also stable. My condition is not degenerative at all, and so my eyesight is not likely to change much, and so I will probably never need to know how to do things like put together an outfit by identifying my clothes with braille, b/c I can see my clothes, see the colors and all that. Watching the DVD really made it clear that this and other similar things are a huge part of the program. So all in all it felt like, the more I learned about the center, the more it felt like I would go through a lot of training I don't really need, just to get some science skills and I began to doubt if the investment of time and energy would be worth the payoff, especially as I've been anxious to go back to school and have been trying to make that work out for the last few years now and feel reluctant to put it off.

There were a lot of other little things in the DVD that also bugged. Individually, they're nothing, but taken together, there was an effect. One of them is that there's an NFB (National Federation of the Blind) philosophy class that students have to take, so that they will "fully believe in the NFB's philosophy of blindness." Okay, that sounds a bit creepy in itself, but add to that that I'm fairly familiar with the NFB's beliefs, and being a critical thinker, there are parts I agree with (and I definitely appreciate what the NFB does), I don't agree with all of it. I have felt at times that members and events of the organization aren't very welcoming to people with partial sight. And a friend of mine had a friend who had a horrible time at the Denver center because of it, which sad to say, doesn't terribly surprise me. I also got the feeling from the DVD and some of the literature that was sent with it that there are a lot of rules and a lot of emphasis on students looking super professional at all times. And that stuff just got all my individualistic, expressive and rebellious tendencies all riled up. I mean physically I was getting all tense. I could already imagine myself getting in all kinds of trouble. I don't even know what they'd make of me, a girl with purple hair and a visible tattoo (if I'm wearing short sleeves). And there were a string of other little things that all left me feeling pretty uneasy after watching the DVD. Little things.

Oh, plus, my astrocartography told me I would get fat if I went to Denver. For those who aren't astrology geeks, astrocartography is basically looking at maps based on your birth chart. It's pretty complicated with lines everywhere, and I don't know how to actually calculate it (even the thought seems daunting) but you can look it up for free at astro.com. I don't put real stock into it, but I did out of curiosity look it up for me in Denver, and while most aspects seem to relate to more esoteric intangible energies, my astrocartography for Denver literally did say I would gain weight and that if I didn't want to, I should move somewhere else, which made me laugh, like, seriously?? Too funny.

But what actually is a much bigger deal and dealbreaker for me than any of the above put together, is the uncertainty about the center. To be able to go, I have to go through a process with the local low-vision agency, to justify my need to go to the center and then get approval, and it was very uncertain how long that would take, and if by the time it did, the center would still have openings and I would have enough time to complete the program before classes start next fall. And there was no way in hell I was waiting past that time to start school (plus it would have messed with my admission/student status/and on and on if I took off any more than a year). The uncertainty was eating me alive, the not knowing when I would go, or if I would get to go and not really being able to make any plans in the meantime. I mean how could I get a job if I might be leaving soon for Denver? But then again it could be months. And it might not happen. Same thing with my apartment, I didn't know what to tell my manager, especially after having worked everything out with her (or so I thought) over the phone while I was in Portland, then I came home to find lots of not so nice letters from her on several topics, and one of them being she has a new tenant waiting for my place. I felt totally locked in limbo, unable to make any kind of concrete plans of any sort when this whole process was so up in the air and I had no idea if or when I'd get to go to the center. I felt trapped. And that feeling, especially after getting back to the island, was only adding to my mental craziness. All I wanted was a sense of security in knowing what was going on, and that felt so elusive.

After watching the DVD, I felt like the uncertainty and all that bs just really might not be worth it and started looking into school again. I crunched some numbers and realized I could do it if I took a more minimal amount of credits (basically my intro biology class, plus one other credit, and I'd still get financial aid and feel fairly comfortable with my money situation even if it takes me a bit to find a job. It could be doable. And there were still spots left in the bio class.

I started reading the class descriptions again, and professor reviews and anything I read just got me so pumped to be in class and be learning this stuff. I got animated and excited and so wanted to be there. I have felt that way any time I have done that sort of stuff. Months ago, before the financial aid curveball came up, I had my classes all planned out and scheduled and felt super excited for them, long before I could even sign up. And each time I've been on the school side of this debate, I have felt this way. I was reading reviews of classes with such longing in my heart. I really don't want to put off school another year is what it comes down to. And I am really, really attracted to the idea of starting part time this year, to ease back into the whole idea of school and studying and classes, and then going full time next year, and being able to take more advanced classes sooner. I'm almost afraid that if I do put it off, I'll lose my drive some, when it's so potent right now. It's hard to describe exactly, I just can't wait to be really immersed in everything, feeling like I am progressing towards something, learning, intellectually stimulated, and the desire is so strong that EVERY time I read anything like these class descriptions or prof reviews, I feel overwhelmed with wanting to be in class and learning. In my incessant indecision, I feel my heart has always been on the side of going back to school. That is what I really want to do.

So I did more research, and found out that my school, Portland State, a school that is known for their disabled student services being awesome (actually when I was touring campus last winter I saw a few people there with guide dogs and when I took the bus there last month I saw a blind guy, always good signs as I've been to schools where I feel like the only person w/a disability, so this was a marked improvement on that) offers lab assistants if needed for disabled students taking lab science classes. That is amazing! I feel like with that option, and with taking the intro class, I'll really be able to see if I'm going to struggle with science stuff b/c of my eyesight, and if I do maybe I'll reconsider the center, but I also came up with all kinds of other resources and possibilities, at the school, through the NFB (they have a science division, and a student division, and the woman who is president of the student division majored in biology and is totally blind), and more. So I feel better about things having done that research. And I'm a determined kind of girl so I'm sure I'll figure out a way to rock it.

So, all this is to say, I've come to my final answer, I'm going to school. I accepted my student loans, signed up for my bio class, did entrance counseling for my student loans (definitely made me think how different this is from last time I went to school, and how all the responsibility is on me in a whole new way that I welcome), and just landed a studio apartment near campus. I'll be leaving in a few days.

It definitely scares me. Moving scares me. Leaving Orcas scares me. Being in class again scares me. I want all of these things, but they also really freak me out. I haven't been in a college class in over seven years! Oh yeah and my textbook for this year for bio is 1300 pages! Talk about daunting! I have never really learned how to study. I was always one of those annoying people who did real well in school without studying at all, so I never had any discipline. And I'm sure I could still be that way, just go to class and pay attention and ace classes without opening a book, but, I don't want to half-ass it. Also, I am definitely out of practice at this point, and have no doubt gotten rusty. So yeah, going to school, studying, taking exams, having homework, trying to get into a more disciplined student mindset that I have really never had, really, really scares me. It's one of the reasons that the idea of easing back into school by going barely part time so appeals to me.

Scary as it is, it feels right, and I'm excited, and I really mean my decision this time. Sometimes you just gotta go with that.

I also want to say I am very thankful to have good friends to bounce ideas off of. I am super grateful to my friend Claire, aka Silver Lining, b/c she is a very grounded, balanced person who could offer an objective opinion. I talked ALL of these factors out with her and that was really the turning point. I get so lost in my head sometimes I lose perspective and have a hard tie sorting things out, especially when there are so many factors. She was so great to talk to and really helped me with the sorting out. And after that I felt so much more clear. And ever since I decided, friends have come out and told me they felt like all along, this is what was really the right decision, and what I truly wanted. It felt so affirming, b/c like I said, I get all jumbled up. And now that I've let the decision settle for a bit, I feel very sure. Now the thought of not starting school for another year is kind of unthinkable. But what felt the most affirming to me was when the person I work with from the local low-vision agency, the same person I would have worked with to make the Denver center happen, told me she really felt this was clearly the right decision for me. And for the first time in months, it really feels like everything is coming together (FINALLY). During Mercury retrograde no less! I better not totally count my chickens yet...

All right, gotta get back to packing.

Currently Listening:
Okay, I'm listening to a cover Tori Amos recently did of "Baby One More Time" yes, the Britney Spears song! Tori can really pull off some covers I tell you. This one is sort of hysterical, I have to say I never in a million years ever would have thought I'd be putting this song on my "currently listening, but when Tori sings it, it's hot and kinda sultry and almost ironic. She puts in some ad-lib too.


Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Oh baby baby the reason I breathe is you
Is you, yes it is you
Oh the reason I know is not a reason for living
But I'm living for you
The reason that I breathe, is for you
And boy you'e got me blinded
Oh pretty baby, there's nothin that I wouldn't do
Thats not the way I planned it

Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby
You always do
Hit me baby one more time!

Like I said, hysterical! I still can't get over finding this, like, seriously??? Wow. Hahahaha. Oh I had another song competing for this spot on my blog but I may be too embarrassed to fess up to it. I will just say, it's all House's fault.

After the Ecstacy, the Laundry

A few years ago, I went to this amazing writers retreat weekend put on by The Sun magazine in Big Sur, CA, and during the last morning we were all gathered and talking about what we felt about the end of the workshop, and a lot of people expressed some degree of sorrow at having to go back to their real lives, and someone brought up the quote that is the title of this blog, which I think was originally said by some spiritual teacher or something. Ever since that workshop, I think of this quote anytime I'm saying goodbye to any kind of supercool experience and going back to my regular life, and that is the case this morning.

I'm leaving Portland in a few hours, and I have a heavy heart, and I'm glad the sky is dreary and overcast, not just because I always like that, but also b/c it fits. I had too much fun this month, coming to stay w/my friend so we could take a trip to Lollapalooza in Chicago together, meet up with a bunch of friends for the festival, take an awesome road trip back to the west, and after that were my two weeks in Portland trying to start up OR residency so school can be somewhat more reasonable next year.

Where to even start? There is so much to say. The Lolla/road trip has been in the works since April. My friend emailed me about the possibility while I was in India and I remember it feeling like a beacon of light in a way, an adventure to look forward to after getting home. India was also an adventure of course, but it was a really difficult one, so it was really nice to have something to look forward to that would be a little more smooth and simple, yet still would cover new territory.

Lolla was awesome. I saw TOOL for the 4th time and they are fucking AMAZING live as usual. But those guys really, really need to shake up their freakin' setlist. I mean, really now. They have such a great catalog of songs, and I am craving more of it. Also saw Rise Against, The Killers (very excited and into it audience for them) and Snoop Dogg. Left the show for awhile on Friday night and had a random kinda crazy meetup with two of the girls from my India trip. It later involved literally running through the streets of Chicago trying to meet back up w/my group to catch a train. And the friend I was running with was barefoot and muddy. It rained like crazy that day, and two of my friends used plastic tablecloths as ponchos, of which I have photo evidence that I probably should refrain from posting :) And one friend Leo got hair dye in her eye b/c of the rain and it stained her contacts! The best part of the whole weekend, even better than Tool and Maynard was getting to hang out with some great people who I don't get to see nearly often enough.

I was definitely feeling overwhelmed by the crowds at the festival, not exactly my thing. When I was trying to get around Chicago with Nina from my India trip I told her that I was out of my element and she laughed and said, "I've seen you much more outside of your element," and I agreed, b/c crazy as some of it was, it was not India.

So the deal with the road trip was that we flew to Chicago and then met up with Kelly's neighbor as she was driving cross country back to Oregon. She had her dog with her, a fluffy, teddy-bear looking australian shepherd that got nonstop attention wherever we went. We piled into the car and headed west, making camp the first night in Wisconsin. From there we drove through Minnesota and into South Dakota, where it took us forever to try to see the sculptures in Sioux Falls (never mind trying to see the Falls). That night our campsite was RIGHT on the time zone line from Central to Mountain time - if we went from one part of the area to another, our cell phones would switch back and forth.

The next day we drove all through SD and had the hardest time finding a campsite in the Black Hills area, which I have to say was a really gorgeous area, really lush, really adorable little towns, and we drove through a rainshower and I always think everything looks beautiful in the rain. We drove into this one park and had to pay an admissions fee to even go look for a campsite, then drove through this loooong and winding road called the Needles Highway, which had these amazing rock formations, just incredibly cool, but when we finally got to the camp area, everything was full and we had to find somewhere else. We set up camp and went to an evening program at Mt. Rushmore. Oh this was after driving to Crazy Horse, but we didn't really go in there b/c they wanted to charge so much to basically look a bit closer at what we could already see. So fuck that. Mt. Rushmore was...interesting, as my friend Rachel would say. I mean it was definitely mind-boggling to think about how they made it, but the whole thing was way too sickeningly patriotic for me. I think especially after coming back from India, and this is probably true of any foreign experience, (and not even that, b/c I felt this way beforehand, it's just been strengthened by India).

We got up and the next morning and went to the Badlands which are also really cool. I must say I hugely prefer the naturally made phenomena like that to the manmade ones like Mt. Rushmore. I will have to post pictures because the Badlands are hard to describe, but amazing to witness. I felt like we got to see some really incredible parts of the country while driving and camping through them, and that was fucking cool. There is some really amazing landscape. And animals! We saw bison, donkeys, prairie dogs in the distance, heard coyotes, saw a bear while driving at one point, and I don't even remember what else. Lots of bison, which is cool b/c I didn't think there were really still that many out there.

And then there was the rodeo. In Cody, Wyoming, a memorable experience that I never ever need to re-experience. I couldn't see most of what happened for the actual rodeo and honestly, I am thankful. And unfortunately I could hear the announcer, who was this radio clown telling really, really offensive racist and sexist jokes, yelling out how proud he was to be a redneck, and just incessant blather. Afterwards, I felt just kind of all around grossed out and disgusted. During parts of our camping trip we were in really conservative territory, holy shit for sure. We drove past a billboard that said, "Manage your wildlife: Wear Fur." I mean, wtf?

We spent the next day in Yellowstone, which is just a massive, massive park. We didn't even see parts of it that we had meant to, like the Boiling River. There are just so many amazing things to look at, like a lake so huge (and with waves) that looks like the ocean, and all kinds of geysers, and pools of this orange mineral stuff. Really vibrant colors. I wish I knew more about what caused and formed all of these things. That night we had to search for firewood on the side of the road, around dusk, and piled into the back of the car on top the dog. Oh and we got a free campsite that night - someone who had already paid had decided to leave and so that was one of those awesome, cool experiences that comes with travel.

After that we drove through Idaho and into eastern Oregon and stayed at this beautiful lake. The stars were incredible. A few different times we just had amazing skies during the trip, and we were able to see the dipper and the milky way, and some shooting stars. Our last day we spent in the Painted Hills, which really are amazing looking with red and tons of green. We took hikes and stopped at a local museum to learn about the nearby fossil beds and history of the area. From there we drove back to Portland through the lushness of Mt. Hood.

It was a great trip full of awesome music and good times. It was nice though to get back and sleep in a real bed and not have to set up and take down camp every day.

All during the trip I was going through an internal indecisive struggle. It's a common thing I wrestle with. While in Chicago I got a call from my school saying I would most likely get housing, even though I had been wait-listed three times at that point. And that little flicker of hope made me want to say screw the center in Denver, I'm starting school. But I couldn't decide. I really, really wanted to start school. I have been putting it off awhile, I have been thinking about it for years, and seriously looking into it for the last two. I felt so beyond ready, and desperate for intellectual stimulation. I felt really gung ho about doing some science shit. I was going to go part-time b/c doing that, I could sort of afford, sort of, and at the end of the year, I'd be considered an in-state resident.

I kept going back and forth in my mind. I wanted to go to school, I knew that, but I also kept remembering what Desmond from my India trip always said, b/c I think it's a good motto to live by: "Make the choice that you would regret not making." I knew that if I didn't choose the Colorado Center, I'd probably always wonder what skills I could have gained or what it could have been like and how it could have enriched my life, but still, I was going to try to make school work. So I set about calling and doing paperwork crap only to get denied for a loan and wait listed again for housing. I still wanted to try but I sort of came to my senses and was like, okay, obviously the thing to do here is go to the Colorado Center. And that started to really feel right. But I spent my first week after the road trip dealing with that.

The second week, I had fun. I got to see a good friend of mine who used to live on Orcas who I rarely get to see anymore. I got to hang out with a long time internet friend. That was really freakin' cool. And things started to get busier at my friend's house during that second week. We had people over. We went out - to wine tasting, to exploring the Hawthorne area of Portland, to a movie showing about mental health, to an art street fair (at which I got of the car feeling strongly that I would run into someone I knew from Orcas, which turned out to be a very accurate prediction as I ran into the boat captain for the camp I used to work at), and one night we actually went to a strip club - not my idea. So there were four of us women who I think all consider ourselves like mostly straight, watching some naked girls. I was iffy about going, but it turned out to not feel seedy really, and also was pretty impressive - fire dancing and all. Yet another new experience I suppose.

We also had one sort of somber but beautiful morning, all four of us girls just sitting around and talking. It was a bit heavy b/c some of them were going through some tough stuff, but at the same time it was kind of cool to just talk and share insights and listen to kinda brooding music (Elliot Smith, Into the Wild soundtrack, Chris Cornell's Euphoria Morning, Jeff Buckley, Pearl Jam) and contemplate life, and incorporate tarot readings into it. Actually we had two weird music/tarot coincidences. I was giving this girl a reading about her love life and right before I turned over the first card the PJ song "Love Boat Captain" came on and someone remarked about that. Then later once I'd read for everyone else I did my own reading and I turned over The Tower (which is kind of a scary card honestly, was not thrilled to have that show up in the center of my reading), and just as I turned it over, the PJ song "You Are" came on, but I couldn't think of the name of the song or anything, just that it had lines about towers, and it was like whoa, weird.

Anyway on the last full day it was kind of cool b/c we went to this place called Cup & Saucer, which was actually the first place I ever went in Portland, I think it was over 8 years ago, the first time I met Kelly, and I love stuff like that, when things feel symmetrical in some way. While we were there I kept noticing this woman with this really unique purple and pink dyed hair, and there had been a lot of hair dying at the house, and I felt inspired and impulsive, so that last night, Kelly's daughter and her friend dyed my hair purple with pink streaks. It came out a rich deep purply pink and I LOVE it.

And now I'm headed back north. Feel like I did more in the last month than I do in some years (trips to India not included). It is hard to imagine being back on Orcas. I'm all packed up, and doing laundry before I start the long journey and trying to think positively about things I can look forward to about going back to my place, like sleeping in my own bed, seeing Orcas friends, remembering that fall is my favorite season on Orcas, and trying not to obsessively count the days until I can leave the island again. Already planning a possible off-island day trip with a friend, and looking forward to seeing Pearl Jam and David Cross in a few weeks, and getting my shit together for Denver.

In the meantime I'll probably go back to watching House, Grey's Anatomy and the Office while going through my stuff and making preparations so that I can be ready to move out when it's time to go to the Colorado Center. And of course, counting the days until those three shows premiere. I mean, come on, House is committed, Pam's pregnant and George and Izzie might be dead. That's some excitement to look forward to!

Blogging About Blindness

Last night I wrote a post about the convention I just went to for the National Federation of the Blind, and about the Colorado training center for the blind that I want to attend. That post was inspired in part by the fact that I just started reading the book Freedom for the Blind by Jim Omvig. It was recommended to me by my friend Jedi from my state affiliate.

It is an online book which can be read here, Freedom for the Blind. I am only on the second chapter and already it is stirring many thoughts, feelings, insights and internal discussions, and I can already tell that it's worth reading. I would highly encourage my blog readers to check it out, especially those that are my friends, or those that have other blind and visually-impaired people in their lives.

My visual impairment is a topic that figures prominently in my life but one I have not talked about much, so I think I'm going to do some blogging about it. Already there are several posts swimming around in my mind. Here are some of them:

-The word "blind"

-The "hierarchy of Sight" as the NFB puts it

-Normalcy and Blindness

And lots, lots more. Stay tuned, it's going to be interesting and exploratory and thought-provoking and awesome.


Currently Listening:
"Less Than Strangers" - Tracy Chapman - sad song, and I've been kinda sad lately, so I guess I'm okay that it makes me sad. I freakin' love her voice. She captures so much feeling.

You and me
Had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

Oh it hurts to lose in love
Let anger and cruelty win
It's unfair that you doubt your feelings
And that you'll ever love again
I know that hearts can change
Like the seasons and the wind
But when I said forever
I thought that we'd always be friends

You and me had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

I thought I saw you yesterday
I thought I passed you on the street
I swear I saw your face
I was not imagining
That you stole a glance my way
You walked away from me
My heart it may be broken
But my eyes are dry to see

You and me had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

It's after midnight and I can't sleep so I'm up, pouring over some reading material, distracting myself and thinking things over, and I thought it might be a good time to (finally) post.

At the beginning of this month, I went to a convention for the National Federation of the Blind. It was almost an accident - I hadn't really given much thought to attending. Years ago, I went to a state meeting with a local friend, and had a kind of hard time at the meeting and hadn't gone back. This year, I applied to their scholarship program (and every other scholarship program I could think of or find) before I left for India. Then, about a month before the national convention, I got a call from the president of my state affiliate. He told me I hadn't gotten a scholarship, but offered for me to go to the convention. They were doing this College Leadership Program, for a handful of students who didn't get a scholarship, trying to get more young people involved in the organization, and so they would cover everything - airfare, hotel, registration, even a food stipend. Did I want to go?

At the time, I had been back for barely a month, and already ready for another adventure, so I said sure, I'd go. The conference was in Detroit, and I learned I'd be rooming with a few other people in the program. Sounded cool.

And for the most part, it was really cool. It was also incredibly overwhelming. There were almost 3,000 people there, which is a lot of people to be around for a week-long conference. Plus the hotel didn't have a lot of elevators, so anytime a session was about to start or just let out, or at mealtimes, the wait time, and the crowding at the elevators was intense. The hotel was set up in concentric circles, so you can just imagine a whole bunch of blind people trying to find their way around. There were guide dogs everywhere, and there was a lot of "caning" as we came to call it, especially at the beginning, from people navigating with long white canes.

One of the things I most took away from the whole experience was a feeling of inspiration, seeing so many blind people in so many walks of life and jobs and roles. There were blind lawyers, parents, teachers, workers at state agencies, computer people, scientists and on and on and on. There were blind people working and interning for NASA, which as a former astronomy major, just warmed my heart. I mean, wow, that's so freakin' awesome.

My favorite part of the convention was when I "test drove" a guide dog. I want one so bad, but am still having doubts if I am really ready to take on the responsibility of a dog again. I mean, they sort of tie you down, and I am a free, adventurous girl who likes to go on wild rides, so, I don't know. I talked to the people there about it, like, what about when I want to go on road trips to go to music festivals? What about the next time I go overseas, what about when I go back to the third world? The answers? Well if you are going to a concert, leave the dog home. If you are going on a road trip, you can either take with you or have someone watch. If you are going overseas you can probably take it as long as it is safe for the dog, and if it's not you can board the dog at the school and they will keep up its training. Someone said to me, "Well, if you get a job in Kabul you probably can't take the dog with you, but most places are fine." So I'm thinking about it. My "test drive" was only ten or fifteen minutes and it was a total joy of my time there. And the school I would go through to get one, should I decide to do it, is right outside Portland, so, very convenient.

Another interesting thing I learned about while at the convention is that the NFB has training centers where they teach blindness skills. There are so many classes, like Braille and cane travel (both of which I have zero experience with), home management stuff, cooking, shop (you use power tools in this class - which is COOL - and really learn how to fix and build things, and for a final project you have to build something, complete a project from start to finish, and the examples I heard sound incredible. There's also an adaptive tech class where you learn to use screen readers (also have no experience with that either), and there is a job skills class, that addresses job hunting, career stuff, job shadowing and how to address the disability issue with jobs. And then there is my favorite class, which is called the college prep class, where they teach you alternative skills to deal with highly visual classes like anatomy and statistics. Well I want to double major in English and Bio, so in the Bio realm, I'd probably be taking both of those. I just get all tickled thinking of the possibility to learn skills to fully participate in those kinds of classes. Oh and then the other best part about the program is that you do all kinds of outdoor adventure stuff - river rafting, rock climbing, hiking, skydiving, ropes course stuff with belaying. That just totally rocks my world.

I kept putting off the thought of that center for two reasons, but both reasons didn't last all that long . The first is that I feel a bit ambivalent about whether I need the Braille and cane travel (which is blasphemy to say around the NFB it seems). I read print and I read it fast, even compared with fully sighted folks. I feel almost guilty saying that b/c it seems that is not at all a universal experience with others who were there, but that's what's true for me. I have to look really, really close, which can be a bit socially awkward, but has never been difficult. What I did notice though, is that most of the speakers at the convention used Braille for their presentations, and that was a pretty amazing thing to see - they were making eye contact with the audience, looking very professional, and that struck me as one reason I would want to learn it, so that in the future I'm doing a spoken word performance or going to an open mic or doing any sort of presentation, that would be a great tool to have, instead of having the paper in front of my face. It certainly could be an asset, and wouldn't hurt to have the skills.

As for cane use, I still resist it. I get around okay. I've been so fiercely independent in my life. I went to school in two unfamiliar places, moved across country to Seattle not knowing anyone, never having lived in a city before. I ride buses all over the country by myself, ride the NYC subway (and get my friend Leo and I on the wrong one, winding up in Brooklyn and then figure out how to get us back where we want to go), navigate unfamiliar places, walk around cities at night, fly frequently. I do stuff that some of my fully sighted friends get nervous and uneasy about. And sure, I miss steps, trip over shit sometimes, misjudge edges (my depth perception is off), fall down sometimes (I'm suddenly reminded of our last group meeting in India where we did this thing where we had to say stuff about other members in the group and Willa, starting to feel the effect of her bhang lassi, was hilariously trying to describe how I fall over rocks). So part of me feels like I don't need it. I mastered those concentric circles of that hotel. On the other hand, I really struggled in India, where streets were uneven. I seriously could have used a cane in that situation, and it can never hurt to have additional skills. Also, at the guide dog skills they all say that before you get a dog you should be up on your cane skills. So, again, it definitely couldn't hurt.

The other reason I kept dismissing thoughts of going to a training center is that I am so eager to start college this fall. But then I got my finalized financial aid package and it's awful and after talking to the school it seems there is no way for that to change. And then I didn't get housing either. Both things were delayed (in different ways) because I was away in India. So now it's looking a lot less exciting to go to school in a few months - if I do I will be in mounds of debt, and yeah that is going to happen anyway with school, but the amount scares me. I have lived a pretty debt-free life so far, and I'd like to keep it as minimal as possible.

What I'm thinking now is that what I'll do is go to the training center - the Colorado Center for the Blind (there are two others; I chose this one because it's in a more urban environment that most resembles what it'll be like when I go to school in Portland and also because they have the most outdoor adventure stuff and they are the one that seems to have the most geared towards alternative techniques for science classes). It's a six to nine month program, so I'll do it during this school year, and I seriously think of it as a long-term investment in my life, my school career and future career prospects. And while I'm there I'll be able to get my financial aid and housing applications in super early for the next school year. It's still disappointing to have to push that back by a year, and it's hard for me to let go of that, but like I said, I think going to the center is a long-term investment and will ultimately make school a better experience for me.

So that's my plan for now. Ooooh and there may possibly be an addition to this plan, but it's still so in the works and so uncertain that I'm not going to say anything yet. Just keep reading and if it happens I'll post about it. It's adventurous. Would you expect anything less?

There is a part of me that is sad that I didn't do this sooner. I mean, I get by all right, but in some ways my world is kinda limited and I'd like to do more than just "get by." The way I understand it, all the classes at the center are geared towards very high functionality. In the cooking class, for a final exam, you have to make a meal for 40-80ish people, and I keep thinking that I wish I had been trained in these skills earlier. I spent the last six years working in a kitchen, and I just think how I might have been able to be a lot more efficient, and because of that, able to do more and assigned more leadership roles at work. I know I am pretty slow at cooking stuff, b/c I don't know the alternative techniques and I rely on the eyesight I have, which is limited. And the outdoor adventure stuff, belaying, all of that, if I had known how to do that it could have greatly enhanced my time working as an outdoor environmental education instructor, because part of that job was facilitating high ropes challenge classes for kids. Another part was teaching ecology classes, and I was always so on edge, b/c I wasn't sure what to do about my eyesight, how to work around it when teaching those classes. My eyesight is also a major reason why I haven't applied for other jobs, because it complicates things, it makes things hard, and when I was job hunting in Seattle several years ago, it was so freakin' hard and I never know what exactly to say or how to deal with it in job interview situations.

My disability definitely keeps me stunted in some ways, or rather my fears about it. A lot of things scare me, like applying for jobs, meeting new people, being in crowded social situations. Anytime I am meeting new people, not only in the situation of a job interviewer, but also say, whenever the new staff arrives at camp each season, or I'm being introduced to new people, or meeting someone for the first time, or last year when a friend wanted to set me up on a (pretty ill-conceived) blind date, or on that job as an env. ed instructor, whenever I was getting a new group of students (which was typically at least once or twice a week), I get so nervous and panicky about what they're going to think about my low vision, my pale appearance, and I don't exactly try to hide my blindness, but don't address it, hope they don't really notice until after they get to know me and just generally feel extremely insecure about it. I want that to change. It has a pretty big impact on my life, this insecurity. I am told that at the center you learn how to deal with all kinds of different social situations (I seriously wonder if dating is included in that, hope so, of course b/c I am a boy crazy girl who needs to get her freak on and I know that this insecurity has a huge impact on my dating life as well). One thing that I heard universally said at the convention by anyone who went to one of the three centers was that what they gained most from their experience was self-confidence, and even a little of that, would I'm sure, go a really long way.

So I'm going to do my absolute best to make this happen. I meet with my state counselor on Thursday and we're going to talk about it. I'm psyched. I think going to the center will drastically improve my quality of life. And then I can go to school and kick some ass!


Currently listening:
"Rattlesnakes" - Tori Amos - Lovin' it.

jodie wears a hat although it hasn't rained for six days
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of those rattlesnakes
on account of those rattlesnakes

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront
she reads simone de beauvoir
in her american circumstance
hey..

she's less than sure if her heart has come to stay in san jose
and her neverborn child haunts her now
as she speeds down the freeway
as she tries her luck with the traffic police
out of boredom more than spite
she never finds no trouble, she tries too hard
she's oblivious despite herself
hey..

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront, she says
all she needs is therapy
all you need is love is all you need
ah-ahh

jodie never sleeps 'cause there are always needles in the hay, hey
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront
she reads simone de beauvoir
in her american circumstance
her heart's like crazy paving
upside down and back to front, she says
ooh, it's so hard to love when
love was your great disappointment

oooo
on account of those rattlesnakes
she says a girl needs a gun these days, hey
uh..uh..hhmmmmm
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes
hey, on account of those rattlesnakes

Moving Right Along

Tomorrow will mark two weeks after my return from India, and it feels like life is moving pretty quickly and changes are happening fast.

I made a decision about which college to go to pretty quickly after returning home, and I think in many ways, I had already made the decision, deep down, beforehand. I'm going to Portland State, which is the same school that my India program went through, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm still a little sad that some of my top choice schools didn't work out, though I'm also seeing it in some ways as what Julia Cameron would call "Gain disguised as loss," because the more I move forward in this process, the more right PSU feels, so there's also a part of me that's glad some of the other schools didn't work out.

PSU is going to be a great place for me to explore all kinds of different academic interests, they offer so many classes and subjects it kind of boggles the mind. And that's good because I have an ongoing issue about being interested in too many things at once and wanting a really diverse schedule that feeds my left and right brain at the same time. Pouring over the class schedule for the last ten days or so made me feel like a kid at Christmas, like, oooh I could take this class, and that class, and oh boy! And PSU is known for having a lot of older students, so that's cool for me, being in classes and organizations and campus housing with people in my same age range. And they have a great disabilities department, and it seems like a lot of other students with disabilities, and a separate disabilities advocacy organization on campus, so it feels like there'll be lots of support. Oh yeah, and when I was visiting, I saw lots of hot boys on campus, that's always a plus.

I'm super excited about all of it. I've wanted to live in Portland for years. I remember the first time I went there, during spring break of my second year of college, and the first morning I was there, sitting in a cafe with my friend Kelly and a few other women, just soaking it up and feeling so strongly that I wanted to live there. That was over 8 years ago! And my good friend Elynn who used to live around the corner from me here on Orcas, who I miss terribly, is there. I've moved a fair number of times in my life, and I have to say it is comforting to know I'll have Kelly and Elynn as two really close friends in a new locale. I also have a few contacts to hopefully set up some tarot reading stuff down there, and also a few contacts to get involved in the literary world of Portland.

I applied for campus housing, which I was NOT going to do - I'm way too old to live in a dorm, and I wasn't crazy about it when I was the right age - but it turns out that PSU's on-campus housing includes a lot of buildings with studio apartments and the like. See, that's what I'm talking about, the benefits of having lots of older students around. So, the price was decent and location is great, and so I applied and put in my deposit, should be finding out which building I'm in fairly soon I hope. I'll be moving in mid-September, so trying to soak up the joys of having a one bedroom apartment with a back patio that overlooks woods for the rest of my time here. I will have to downsize for the move, and I'm sort of looking forward to that too. Already going through my apartment thinking what I want to keep or not. India was good preparation for that in a way, I mean, I lived out of a pack for three months, I stayed with a family of seven who lived in a house that was the size of my living room/kitchen (aka not very big), and these things make you think about what is or isn't necessary. It just helps in terms of shedding what's not needed.

So, for those on Orcas, I am sure there will be some sort of yard sale outside my place at some point this summer. Get ready.

This morning I registered for classes, and so now that that went through it feels really, truly official that I'm going there. I was so sure something would go wrong in terms of signing up, I just thought Murphy's Law would be in effect, but no, I got every class I wanted at every time I wanted, so I got my ideal schedule. It's still subject to change up until the beginning of the quarter, but for now it's set exactly as I wanted it. I planned it out over a week ago, taking a lot of time to examine different class choices, how they'd fit together, and how the profs rated at those sites to review professors. And that last one was a good thing, I was going to take a writing class with someone b/c she's an author I like (the particular subject was not so thrilling, kinda something I have already taken), but the reviews were pretty much across the board not that flattering, putting it tactfully, so I decided to go with something else.

I am just so psyched for my schedule though it is not going to be an easy courseload (which honestly is a big part of the reason I'm psyched, I've been craving intellectual stimulation). I'm taking two science classes - bio and chem - as I still haven't fully given up the idea of doing a double major in something sciency, and I have my basic Physics credits and then some done already (and none in the others), so that alone is going to be intense, and awesome b/c it's that part of my brain that has been more deprived these last few years. I'm of course taking some writing credits, in scriptwriting actually. I was going to do non-fiction and probably will at some point, but I was just a lot more excited about the scriptwriting class, and it's totally undiscovered territory so it'll be challenging and engaging. And the last class I'm taking may be surprising, I'm taking Arabic. I've always been interested in learning it (still want to go to egypt someday), and I've never taken any college level foreign language courses, and taking Hindi classes in India gave me a boost of confidence as far as studying a language that is more different from English than something like French, which I took in high school. Sooooo, those are my four main classes. It's not going to be an easy semester, but the truth is I wanted a difficult courseload, b/c I know myself and without that I will get bored and feel like I'm not being challenged and whenever school is too easy I start slacking off. So I feel like my schedule has the diversity in subject that I crave, and a difficulty level that will be just right.

Oh I'm also taking piano (for beginners) as a two-credit class in the mornings, which should add some extra fun and creativity to my days. I've been wanting to teach myself for so long, but I don't do all that well with it being completely unstructured, I just end up never doing it, so the class should be good to cure that.

So, all around, I'm excited to make the transition to go back to school. September can't come fast enough, though I am actually glad to have the time to make the transition over time.

In my last post I said I would not go back to my old job. That did not last. The reality is that even with financial aid, and with the fact that I'm feeling good financially right now (I only spent $250 the entire time I was in India, so it feels like I saved money), going to school and moving are expensive things and it just can't hurt to have the income. And I'll be here for four months, so I decided to go back, but only four days a week, and on morning shift, which means that I will have to leave my place at 5:15! That is going to be rough, but I'll be done at 2 and have the whole day ahead of me. Though I am not crazy about the job and though I hear things are not good over there, everyone is really happy to have me back, and I'm actually surprising even myself by feeling pretty positive about it. Camp is just so beautiful (on almost 300 acres of gorgeous woodsy forests, fields, waterfront) and I feel such a strong spiritual connection to the land there, that I'm looking forward to the long walk in the early morning. Okay I might regret saying that tomorrow when it's really fucking early, but I bet I'll get used to it fairly quickly. I'm also thinking some days instead of coming home right away, I'll wander around some of the less traveled paths in the backwoods of the camp and really love up my last summer here. So, we'll see how it goes when I'm actually there, but for now I'm thinking positive.

So, all in all, things feel like they're moving right along.


Currently Listening:
"Fidelity" - Regina Spektor - this may possibly be the song I listened to most in India, b/c it was on two people's iPod type things. I haven't listened to much of her other stuff, but this song is constantly stuck in my head. And yes, it's in an episode of Grey's (do I even need to say that anymore? I'm such an addict).

Fidelity

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

Delhi, Delhi, Delhi

It hasn't even been 48 hours since my last post, and it has been a whirlwind. This is so unlike anything I've ever experienced that its hard to find a way to put it into words. It is total chaos for one thing, I mean just insanity, but it also sort of works. THe streets are just nuts. I mean I am afraid for my life everytime I walk into the streets for any reason, which is almost all the time, as there aren't sidewalks like in the states, it's just mad chaos with motorcycles, rickshaws (of the bike and auto variety), cars, cabs, horses, dogs, COWS, people, bikes, etc going every which way, honking constantly, with pretty much no traffic rules whatsoever. Leo, if you ever came here the driving would really give you a coronary on the spot. I am always holding on to someone's elbow from my group when going into the streets b/c it's just too much chaos for me to be able to really visually track it. Plus there is just constatn noise (which doesn't stop at any hour of the night) and just no road rules to follow. There are also allll kinds of semlls everywehre - diesel, people, animal smells, sewer type smells, awesome food smells, all mixing and mingling constantly in the air. Delhi is an assault on the senses, and definitely major, major stimulation overload.

As far as riding in it, I kind of love it. I have this thing, and maybe it comes w/not driving, (and I could see how it could go the complete opposite too), where I just don't really frea out in cars at all, even with semi-reckless drivers. I don't know exactly hat that's about. I just always feel relatively calm and safe in cars, mayb b/c i'm so used to it. So the first cab ride was exhilerating. RIding in rickshaws, almost moreso. It's nuts, they're open, there's no windows, some don't have mirrors, we sometimes ride in them with people on laps, just hanging on for our lives. And there are no seatbelts in any of the vehicles except for front seats, and like I said, absolutely no rules, like our rickshaw will be it's own lane, or make crazy cuts across the road, and there are also people in the roads, mostly beggars, who will come up to you while in the vehicles (often with kids) and ask for money. It's heartbreaking. So are some of the animals. THere are dogs everywhere and they are so tiny, and today we saw a really tiny cat. The streets are also cracked and full of potholes and mud and garbage and and just broken down.

Some things make me glad for my low vision. Seriously. RIght after we left the internet cafe last time, the others in my group saw a dog get its paw run over or something like that, and there is a lot of poverty, which is hard to watch, and there are other things I'm glad I'm missing too - I mean in some ways it is a blessing.

Anyway, even after 24 hours of flying and a massive time difference, I felt pretty much zero jetlag. I have never really experienced it, knock on wood, so that's good. ANd yesterday I felt pretty okay with everything. We went to the Lodi gardens to do some orientation activities, and then our group split in two gouprs to do a scavenger h unt across the city, with all kinds of tasks we had to accomplish, like getting and mailing postcards (Leo I sent one to you, look for it, let me know when it arrives), learning Hindi phrases (our group learned "I am lost" "I love you" "Beauty" and "Where are my pants?"), making a phone call from an "STD" (which is a public phone but gets lots of laughs), exchange money, etc. I felt totally safe and fine w/my group. We met some great people, including this guy Aqui who helped us negotiate a cab price. While we were waiting for the cab, he bought us all tea and practiced his english on us. It was cool b/c then we were all sitting in the cab place waiting, and just talking about Obama and Bush. THis guy who worked at the cab place was telling us about some cartoon he saw where BUsh was sitting outside of the white house homeless and jobless, it was pretty funny.

A lot of people were so nice. It really struck me, partly in thinking about how we treat visitors from other countries back in the US. HEre everyone asks where we're from, and when we tell them, they have only nice things to say, or want to practice english wish us, and so on. Or start talking to us about american pop stars! I am really glad to be traveling post-election though, that's for sure.

So yesterday was great. I was feeling like I was okay on the jetlag front and also dealing with the culture shock pretty okay. I felt great. TOday was a different story. We are taking the train to Varanasi tonight, and in our briefing about that, we had a few warnings about really guarding our belongings, being aggressive about when to get out of the train or we'll miss our stop, being super aware of pickpocketers (I've been keeping my money for the day in my bra, lol) and also being aware that people might like sit on our seats or come share our seats on the train. THen we were told the begging is much more prevalent in Varanasi, and we're going to have to use "Indian toilets' which is basically a hole in the ground. All of it was very overwhelming to me. I mean I still find Delhi a bit overwhelming, and all the warnings about pickpocets and missing our stop, and the train being a major, major just madhouse where you have to be super aware and aggressive, pretty much scared the shit out of me. So I spent the morning after that talk pretty freakin' freaked, but I did talk to one of the leaders about it. I'm sure by the end of my three months, I'll be fine w/most of this, but right now it's a bit much.

I am also used to being so independent and traveling all over the states by myself - here it might as well be another world - there is just NO comparison whatsoever. I actually tried to take some video on the rickshaw just to try to captrue it because there aren't words for it, and I think it came out all right, it's just that of course, after I stopped recording is when it got to the usual mass insanity. So yeah, I'm using to feel independent. I mean I take NYC subways and feel fine, I've walked around Sattle in the middle of the night and felt fine, but here, it is just a whole different story. I feel like a bit of an easy target. I'm totally overwhelmed by the chaos in the streets when walking, afraid of getting run over, mugged, or just totally latched onto by a beggar (we have been giving any of our extra food away, which I think is pretty cool) or harassed or any number of things. It basically feels very, very uncomfortable, which in a way is the point I suppose.

This is definitely the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, but I think I'm still glad I'm doing it? This morning, I felt like I just wasn't ready to handle it and that I just wanted to go home. The weird thing is though, I have not felt homesick. I mean for a quick moment this morning, I missed my apartment, and just wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy, lol, like in the very very height of my freaking out, I just wanted something familiar and comforting, but aside from that brief moment, I have not missed home, have barely thought about my apartment. I am telling you I already feel like I no longer live there. I think it also helped that I was traveling before leaving, because I was already sleeping in lots of different places, so that part of things just hasn't even phased me.

All in all though, I'm all right. Haven't gotten diarrhea or sunburn yet, knock on wood, have een vigilant about not drinking the water, am getting used to carrying the weight of my pack (also glad I was traveling before I left the states b/c that gave me some preparation for luggign my pack around). I mean, I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed emotionally - it's a lot to take in, really, but at the moment, I'm okay. And after talking to one of the trip leaders I feel secure that they will be looking out for me in the train. And that they don't feel too burdened by my visual impairment. I was starting to really worry about that - it's definitely more of an issue here than in the states. At least it feels that way. So, feeling better about that.

On a strange note, we did see McDonald's and KFC here, which was very strange, and there were armed guards outside. Oh also we saw some guy freebasing in some underground walkway thing that sort of looked like a subway tunnel. And we walked through some place where apparently a terrorist bomb had been recently diffused, according to Aqui, who sort of translated for us, and we had to go through metal detectors. Again, just no possible comparison.

I am really happy with my group and our leaders, it is a great mix of really different peope, and I think it's going to work well. Everyone's pretty awesome.

Anyway, off to brave the train!


Currently Reading:
"This is Your Brain on Music" - Daniel Levitin - just started, so really no commentary yet. I left my iPod w/a friend in san fran so no music part of the blog for awhile.