Is this some new form of torture?

So, music class. I picked my song awhile ago, finally, practiced it, plunked out the notes on my piano so I could match them, even though I don't really know how to correctly play a song like this (it switches keys and both that the song is in have LOTS of flats and sharps and I'm not there yet in my very basic piano learning), and practiced some more.

Every day I go to class, sure I will sing my song that day, nervous as all fuck about it but prepared, and I STILL haven't gone yet! DAMNIT. I never, ever say this, I an not one for ripping off the bandaid, I'd much rather put it off indefinitely, but I am ready to just get it over with already! I can't take this stress of every Monday, Wednesday and Friday trying to rally the courage to sing in front of my class, only to not have it happen. Of course, part of me is always relieved in the moment but STILL. Enough already!

Monday had better be a for sure! I was so sure I would go today - I had even talked with my instructor and she said I would go first today, so, with performance in mind, I dressed up a little bit, put on a hot outfit (in fact had to put a little sweater over it b/c I decided the actual outfit was probably a little too showy to wear to school, lol, but the sweater only slightly took the edge off of that), put on some jewelry, made sure I felt all colorful and hot in anticipation of performing my song. GRRRRR. I was READY. Guess I will just practice some more until Monday, but shit!

It has been preoccupying me all week. On Wednesday I was sure I would go during that class, and I had a big exam in biology directly before that, and there were times while going through the exam, that I caught myself drifting off and mentally reviewing my song almost in the background of working through the questions.

Speaking of bio and exams, I'm rockin' it! On every test this term, I've only gotten one question wrong, and speaking of torture, lol, for the last two exams, I originally filled out the scantron exactly correct for a perfect score and then second guessed myself and changed an answer and got it wrong. Both times, a perfect score was soooo in my reach. Next time, I'm not freakin' changing any answers!

We have one more exam left and we get to drop our lowest one, so technically, if I wanted I could completely blow off the class from this point forward, not go to class again, not take the final at all. It's a tempting thought, but I'm not going to do it. For one thing, I'd be bored. I like having this challenging class to keep me mentally stimulated. I can't wait to have more classes than just two, and like I said before, I'm getting into the plant stuff. It is crazy to think how complex they are, and I'm very interested in something we are getting to soon, which is plant sensory systems. It's kind of wild to think they have sensory systems and how they might interact with their environments.

Also, I'm an overachiever, I think by nature, so I want to continue to rock it and I am determined to eventually get a perfect score on one of these exams this year! I'm always sooo close! School is my happy self-esteem place. My life is in some ways really screwed up. I struggle with a lot of things, with friendships and interpersonal relationships and sticking up for myself. My romantic life has been catastrophically unsuccessful. My writing life can be painful and it's a pursuit that is so infused with rejection letters and feeling not good enough. I still haven't found a job in Portland. But school, I can do and do well and it makes me feel good about myself when all those other things really don't. And yes this may sound crazy or masochistic, but sometimes I really love taking exams. I get in the zone (even while zoning out reviewing my song) and puzzling through questions and just being mentally engaged like that just gives me a feeling of satisfaction very similar to how I feel when I'm playing music or singing or writing. I was so deprived of intellectual stimulation for so long on Orcas (not that there was none, but just not much) that I am not going to give it up now that I have found it.

All that and I've asked my prof for a letter of recommendation, and I think it would not leave a good impression if I just blew off the last section of class just because I could. So I will continue to learn the crap out of plants, and then next term it's animal form and function (I think we go through the systems of the body or something) and ecology.

Before that starts, over spring break, I landed a pretty sweet job that I am really psyched about. I will be working with kids in Montana for a weekend, monitoring the migration of snow geese by sound. It will be really exciting to learn about that and work with kids and feel like I am doing something science-y and hands on (ears on?) and I look forward to that. The crazy thing is, I wasn't sure this job existed. I saw a brochure about this weekend camp and it looked so awesome but there was nothing about them looking for staff people. So I let it sit, but kept coming back to thinking how cool it would be to be part of that. So eventually I wrote to the contact person and asked if there were jobs and she said yes and sent me an application. I had read in the brochure that there is a writing component to the camp. The kids will be journaling and writing poetry about their experience. So I mentioned my writing experience in the application, along with all my camp experience, environmental ed experience, etc. So not only was I offered the job, but they want me to lead the writing portion of the camp and lead the kids in putting together a radio program from the writing and the recordings of the geese. It is a bit more than I bargained for but I am sure I'm up to the challenge!


But back to the topic at hand, DAMNIT I am ready to sing my freakin' song already and stop stressing about it! I have had a crazy thought lately though. I read recently that there is going to be a broadway adaptation of "Romeo and Juliet" with Jeff Buckley songs as the soundtrack, called "The Last Goodbye." It's coming out this year, and apparently has already debuted at some place called Joe's Pub. I am actually not a huge fan of the whole R&J story/whatever, but I think this idea is pretty COOL as long as it's done well, and hopefully it will be. ANYWAY it has made me wonder, what if I switched my song that I'm supposed to be dong for class and sang a JB song instead, since technically those songs in the Last Goodbye musical would technically be considered musical theater, right?

Here's an article about the upcoming musical: "The Last Goodbye" I have found several other articles and reviews (including some from JB fans) and they are raving about it. Now this is a show I would LOVE to see.

I might call up my prof and ask her. It would be a LOT harder to sing a JB song than my "Hold On" from The Secret Garden, there's no doubt of that. And JB is pretty passionately lovey lyrically and I had sworn not to sing anything gooey (sorry but the thought of singing some love crap in front of my class is mortifying). I mean the thought of singing lyrics like, "Kiss me, please kiss me, out of desire baby not consolation" or anything from "Lover, You Should've Come Over," makes me want to throw up. I LOVE the songs, I just can't imagine singing something like that in front of people. But, but, but, all of that also kind of makes me want to do it because I am a glutton for making myself do things that scare the bejeezus out of me. I have so much deep, heartfelt love for those songs that I kind of want to do it, as challenging and gooey as it may be. It's just so much more ME than anything else I have found.

Hmmmm. Maybe this prolonging of my song for days on end has a purpose after all? I didn't know about this Last Goodbye musical until a day or two ago, and didn't really start thinking of that as an opportunity to use a Jeff song for my class performance until today. Could there be some unseen synchronicity in the torture?

I think I'm going to find out, see what my instructor thinks about me doing that. Why not? You only live once. Might as well do something that reflects something you really love and something that scares the fuck out of you, something that you feel passionate about. I think it will be so much more rewarding, even if I sound terrible and totally bomb it. I think I will regret not doing it, and as my friend Desmond from my India trip always said, "Do the thing that you would regret not doing." So, I'm going to go find out. I feel like proactivity is sort of my thing lately. Like the spring break job - sometimes if you want something, you just have to go after it and pursue it even if it doesn't work out. Just sent an email to my teacher, asking her about making this switch. We'll see what she says, and then we'll see how well (or not) I do actually singing a song. I have always, always wanted to perform the song "Everybody Here Wants You," and if I can find out the song list of the musical and that's on there, I'm doing it. I've wanted to do that for like, ten years. It really might be a horrible performance but I almost don't care!

The main thing is living the dream, baby.

(Edited to Add: OMG HOLY SHIT I found the song list as well as lots of pics from the debut here (at a site called Music Slut, gotta love that). HOLY SHIT! I didn't even think of half the songs on here, like We Could Be So Happy Baby, FORGET HER (no freaking WAY, I didn't even think they'd include rares, I LOVE the shit out of that song), Opened Once, Morning Theft. OMG if my music teacher lets me do a song from this show, I will be dizzy with joy but how will I ever choose, and practice, by Monday??? SHE HAS TO LET ME DO A SONG FROM THIS MUSICAL!

I am flippin' out.

And just to tie everything together, musical theater and biology, there is another article at that Music Slut site about an upcoming opera about Darwin called Tomorrow, in a Year.

Currently Listening:
OMG this is TOO funny, the song that came up is "Lover, You Should've Come Over." How wild is that! My iTunes and I have a psychic connection, I swear.

(OMG the thought of singing words like this is mortifying, lol. Plus I will have to change the pronouns.)

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

When I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Just a Quickie

Just felt like posting a little blog this morning. I'm feeling chatty. And writing something with "quickie" in the title :)

I think I have definitely come to a song decision for my music class and that is "Hold On" from The Secret Garden, which as I mentioned before, is a story that I just love to pieces. It's a song meant for the alto voice, and I'm headed to the library later today to get the sheet music so I can play it on my (digital) piano which always really helps me practice and really hear the notes.

Even though I'm still kind of terrified of singing it in front of my class (I would honestly rather sing in front of lots of people on a stage, because then you're more removed, as opposed to a class where you're seeing the people every day), I'm finally getting into it. And definitely getting an exposure to musical theater I never had before, both through looking for my song, and by other people performing their songs. So far in our class, we've had people singing, "This is the Moment" from Jekyll & Hyde, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from Wizard of Oz, "All that Jazz," (don't know what show that's from), "Edelweiss" from the Sound of Music, "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Phantom of the Opera and "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" from The Lion King. And through all of that exposure, I'm getting an appreciation.

I think I'm keeping some of the many songs I downloaded and listened to on my computer (Right at this very moment, another song I considered is playing, from Avenue Q, "There's a Fine, Fine Line.") And while I went looking for a movie version of The Secret Garden musical because it's pretty different (I could tell from the soundtrack) from the book, or the original movie based on the book, I found lots of other shows I might consider seeing. I found myself wanting to watch South Pacific again and check out other shows. There apparently is no movie to The Secret Garden musical though. I wanted to find it because our instructor asks people during our song workshops what the context of the song is, which I can mostly get from the soundtrack, and supplemented by finding a description of the musical online.


At least school-wise, I love how my life is kind of split between this challenging science class and music. I feel like I have this left brain/right brain balance that I sometimes have a hard time finding. Especially in school, it has often felt like I'm overdoing one and underdoing the other, but this right now, is working for me. I will have to keep that in mind next year when I will be a full-time student. I am so impatient for that time. I just signed up for spring classes and already I want to see the schedule for next fall, wondering when it will go online (probably sometime in May) and when I can register for a full load of classes. Who knows if I will still be feeling that eager at this point next year, but this year there have been times it has pained me to not sign up for classes that I really wanted to take. There was a Genes and Society class this term that I wanted to be in so badly I almost couldn't help myself. But I had to keep the big picture in mind, and the big picture is I'm trying to get Oregon residency so I can't take over 8 credits and if I had done it, it would have completely jeopardized that. But anyway, in a few months when I do sign up for my full load of classes for next year, I want to keep this balance in mind, and maybe continue to take these 2-credit music classes. I am psyched for piano in the spring term, and have been playing mine more and more recently.

Sometimes though I feel like this weird anomaly of a person who doesn't truly fit in anywhere, and it's frustrating. Sometimes I feel like it's kind of difficult for other people, if they know me one way, to see me in another. I'm a writer, and a lot of people know me in that way. I've met a lot of people in a writing context but then I'm also really into science, and I've met some people in that context, and then I also read tarot cards and do astrology charts and think about metaphysics and the paranormal and the spiritual, and then I'm a sort of atheist. Sometimes I just feel like one huge bundle of contradictions and it can be hard to deal with sometimes but I don't think I'd have it any other way.

With that being said, I am off for a very busy day running errands around town, picking up a field guide and the sheet music, and later today, collecting some plants for my plant press (aka playing in the dirt). And thankfully it's shaping up to be a sunny morning in the Pacific Northwest!


Currently Listening:
"Anna Begins" - Counting Crows - this is probably THE song that got me hooked on them, back in the very late 90s. I have such love for this song. I love when songs tell a story, and this one definitely does. There's a lot of shifting and changing. This just so easily transports me back in time to a time that is so long ago it hardly feels like it was my own life. I cannot overstate how much I love this song. I love all of August & Everything After, but for me, this song makes the album.

My friend assures me, it's all or nothing
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, for one time only
Make an exception, I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried
I am not overly concerned
With the status of my emotions
Oh, she says, you've changed
We're always changing

It does not bother me to say
This isn't love
Cuz if you don't want talk about it then
It isn't love
And I guess I'm gonna have to live without
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey
Or something in between
And I can always change my name if that's what you mean

My friend assures me, it's all or nothing
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself
The things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget
To make yourself forget
I am not worried

If it's love, she says,
Then we're gonna have to think about the consequences
But she can't stop shaking
And I can't stop touching her

And this time
When kindness falls like rain
It washes her away
And Anna begins to change her mind
The seconds when I'm shaking
Leave me shuddering for days, she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

But I'm not gonna break
And I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
I'm not gonna bend
And I'm not gonna break
I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
No, no, no, it seems like I should say
As long as this is love
But it's not all that easy
So maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
Cuz I've done this sort of thing before

But then I start to think about the consequences
And I don't get no sleep, in a quiet room

And this time
When kindness falls like rain
It washes me away
And Anna begins to change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe it's love
And oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

(Rain falls down)
She's talking in her sleep
(Rain falls down)
It's keeping me awake
(Rain falls down)
And Anna begins to toss and turn
(Rain falls down)
And every word is nonsense but I understand
(Rain falls down)
And oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along
And Anna begins to fade away
She's chasing me away
She disappears
And oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Getting Into Plants

As I mentioned in my last post, in my biology class we are moving away from studying evolution and animal diversification and moving into the world of plants. I was not sure what I would think of it because I'm much more drawn to the animal and human world - blood and guts and how they all work. Or on the other hand, I'm also fascinated by the microscopic world of bacteria and viruses because they are so endlessly fascinating. I just didn't know how I'd really feel about plants.

But I'm getting into it. I am such a treehugger at heart, and not just in a "we have to be good to the environment" sort of way (though I do, strongly, feel that way), but in more in the way that I just love trees. They make me happy in some inexplicable way that seems to be subconscious, below any surface of thought. When I am surrounded by trees, it's like something deeply ancient is just satisfied. Even looking at pictures of trees makes me happy. I love trees.

The trees I know best are the ones that live in places I have lived, and especially the ones on Orcas Island, partly because one of the classes I used to teach, way back when I did environmental education, was forest ecology and it involved tree identification. I know my alders and cedars especially well. In fact I was looking at a picture of tree needles in the textbook and then the notes and thinking how much it looked like the needles of the western redcedar. All it had as a label was the scientific name which was unfamiliar, but after too long the curiosity got the most of me. I just kept thinking, that picture has to be cedar, so I looked up the scientific name of western redcedar and sure enough it was Thuja plicata, the same name attached to that picture.

One thing I have noticed (and appreciated) about Portland that is different from Orcas is how there are so many more deciduous trees here. I think about it all the time when I'm walking to class or out on the Park Blocks, because though I love the evergreens of Orcas, I always missed everything that comes with deciduous trees - colored leaves in fall covering the ground, the bare branches in winter that make it feel like winter even when there's no snow. I grew up with that so I think it reminds me of winter in an early imprint sort of way, and so though it may sound a little off, I really like seeing the bare branches this time of year.

I've been reading that pines (and other conifers) tend to do better in colder temperatures, and it just drives home the temperature difference between my new and old places of residence. I don't think it's that different this time of year between the two, but summers are hugely different, with Orcas being considerably colder. There really is a big difference in the trees, but some similarities too. It will be interesting to see what I end up collecting for my plant press project. I am thinking of getting a local field guide. Time to start getting more familiar and versed in the new makeup of trees and plants.

I find myself having a million questions about plants and trees. Like, okay, if conifers are the trees that thrive in cold temperatures and high elevations and deciduous trees traditionally don't, why is that some cottonwoods and poplars cover high-elevation areas? That was definitely the case in Flagstaff, Arizona, though there are also huge Ponderosa Pine forests as well.

And why is it that so many plants that we use medicinally are poisonous plants (belladonna, foxglove, curare)? I guess it probably all has to do with amount and concentrations, but still it seems a little weird. And interesting.

Or, speaking of cedars, why does my book say that red and yellow cedars aren't "true cedars" and what is a true cedar?

The reproductive and life cycle habits of plants are a bit hard to get my mind around but I'm working on it.

They changed the name of the female parts of flowers from pistils to carpels, which I am not a fan of at all, but it's funny how going over these things quickly brought up something I had totally forgotten about from my childhood. I don't remember exactly what grade I was in, though if I had to guess I would guess fourth, and I had to do a presentation on the parts of the flower and I had made an overhead projection thingy of it, I can remember drawing the flower in blue and labeling it, but when it came time to stand up and talk in front of the class, I completely froze! It was like all my words dried up and I was so worried I didn't really know it that well (I had done the project a bit last minute) that I couldn't talk. And then it was so mortifying to freeze like that in front of the class that I just never got any words out. I felt so terrible. I've had an interesting relationship with public speaking over the years, that's for sure.

I am feeling a bit afraid the same thing could happen in music class now, which is probably also what made me think of this old incident. I am getting closer to finding a song, thinking I'll either go with "Defying Gravity" (thanks Silver Lining) or the song I had come up with from The Secret Garden, "Hold On." We are doing workshops in the class, meaning that we sing all or part of our song and the instructor gives us tips and feedback to help us gear up for the actual performance. My workshop is Friday, the last possible day. I will need to decide for sure soon. I think I'll go to the library tomorrow and try to find some sheet music.


I picked out my classes for next quarter - biology again, back to the night section which I miss, and this time for my other class I am taking piano. I am really looking forward to that! I have a digital piano and have been playing around on it lately and it will be great to have a class with some formal instruction because right now I just go off of a book, and intermittently play phrases from a "Tori Amos for Beginners" piano book, but really I don't know if I'm doing things right or not. And playing piano is so much less nerve-wracking than singing in front of people! So I look forward to that too, though I am thinking about looking into private voice lessons if I could find something affordable, because I really do want to improve my technique and all of that.

In other news, I applied for something that I think is going to be soooo cool. It's called Camp Eureka, and it's a weekend science camp for blind youth in Montana that will have the kids do some monitoring of snow geese migration. What is especially awesome (I mean really it's awesome enough already) is that poetry and journalling are incorporated into the experience. That is just so up my alley it's not even funny. And it's scheduled for one weekend with another as a backup in case of weather problems, and they just happen to be the two weekends of my spring break!

I'm looking into another similar program this summer called Junior Science Academy, and a few other things!

Life is good. I am eating candy hearts (can't remember the last time I had those for Valentine's Day) from my apartment management, remembering how last year at this time I was in Delhi eating banana pancakes, and yeah, life is good.

Oh! I also wanted to mention, I recently finished the book Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese. It was recommended by an instructor last quarter, and it is such a good read. I highly pass on the recommendation (though I will say it is not ideal for the reader who gets squeamish about medical details and procedures). It's about a set of twin boys born in Ethiopia whose mother (a nun) dies in childbirth and whose father (an English surgeon) flees. It's told by one of the twins and it's a rich journey through his life and the lives of those around him. I don't want to give anything away, so suffice to say it's very engrossing and takes on all kinds of landscapes and just sooooo good.


Currently Listening:
"Schism" - TOOL - I have been listening to more TOOL lately. This song is so good, and sometimes I feel like this song has weaved it's way in and out of my life in so many different ways over the last ten years or so, influenced my own writing, marked turning points in my life, that sort of thing. Lateralus is such an excellent album. I'm also realizing I'm way overdue to listen to 10,000 Days, which is also really excellent. I love Maynard's vocals and lyrics.

Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes, testing our communication

The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end, crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers
Between supposed lovers

I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit
I know the pieces fit

Cool Stuff from the First Half of Winter Term

It's been a while - almost two weeks, and so I have some catching up to do. I want to just hit the highlights.

Okay, the coolest thing in the last two weeks is probably the fact that I dissected a squid in my bio lab. I didn't know that much about squid, but have always been intrigued by them and the octopus. I'm not sure exactly what it is - the way they move, their colors, the ink, their arms, the fact that they are supposed to have such huge capacity for learning and memory, their huge brains or what. Maybe it goes back to that story I heard about a captured octopus at Camp Orkila, that made its way into my poem, "I Am Not Your Touch Tank Sea Star and how impressed I was by its struggle for escape and freedom, or maybe it was the (sometimes crazy) guests on Coast to Coast AM (a radio show that explores the paranormal) who claimed that giant squid are psychic. Or maybe it was the time in India when a few of us were talking about spirit animals, and Willa Rose was saying what she thought everyone's animal would be and said octopus for me and I had been about to say the same thing, though I wasn't quite sure why. Or maybe it was a combination of all of the above. Whatever it is, I feel drawn towards the cephalopods.

Little did I know cuttlefish, another type of cephalopod, is just amazingly cool. Check out Kings of Camoulflage on PBS for this episode of NOVA about what they call "the brainiest, most bizarre animals in the ocean." You can watch the full hour episode of NOVA from Hulu, here. They had me at three hearts and blue blood. SO WEIRDLY COOL. Check it out. They also have some quirky mating tricks and there is a part in the program where they do paternity tests on cuttlefish!

So, back to the squid - dissecting it was cool, although there is no color once its preserved. Inside it, I saw the stomach, the branchial hearts, the mouth and radula, the esophagus (which was kinda stringy to the touch). Then we had to dissect the eye. Now, I do not get squeamish about most things, but stuff done to eyes freaks me out. I can watch all kinds of fake surgery or disgusting medical conditions on TV, but I just can't watch stuff being done to eyes. So I was a little freaked out but also excited to examine the squid eye, and surprisingly wasn't really grossed out at all as I was worried I might be. My lab assistant totally rocks and she actually cut the eye out, and it was goopy, but just soooo cool to look at. I could really see the iris, the pupil with the lens underneath, and the optic ganglion was hanging off the back. Then we had to actually cut up the eye to see things clearer. At that point it was a bit too small for me to see certain parts of the eye, but I got to hold the lens (which was a very hard sphere) in my hand. THAT was cool.

That's another thing about cephalopods, they have what is called "camera eyes" like we do. It's said to be a trait with convergent evolution - an adaptation that rose independently in different lineages that was not shared by their common ancestor. We had to draw the squid eye and I cheated a little by using the diagram to aid my drawing, but I think that's okay because the point was I knew where the different parts of the eye were. I got a little carried away with the drawings in general. I drew an extra picture of the eye before dissection, b/c I could see some parts of that really well. And in the drawing of the body, I drew things we didn't need to because it was just soooo fascinating to look at. I drew the tentacles and the suckers.

One thing I have found is, even though I am not a good artist and really have no talent when it comes to drawing, it is satisfying to me and so even when labs are really frustrating to me, if they involve drawing that frustration is quelled.

Two days after that lab was my birthday party, which was awesome and included such a wide variety of people who I knew from different parts of life, and we ate calamari. Squid is tasty as well as an awesome animal.

I do have to say, I start to wonder if I'm some sort of sicko for enjoying dissection so much. Whatever gets you really interested in learning, right?


So, the first half of this quarter was dedicated to evolutionary processes and animal diversification. It wasn't as difficult as last quarter and we weren't covering as much material as quickly, so the pace for winter term is a lot less frenetic. I kinda missed first term - really enjoyed how challenging it was and the material itself. I miss the enzymes and the processes we had to learn about, and the genetic and DNA material, but I have also really enjoyed the weird, quirky things we learned the first half of this quarter as well.

It's not just the cephalopods. Nudibranchs (also, like the cephalopods, a type of mollusc), actually eat the poisonous part of jellies (and other cnidarians) without getting stung and incorporate it into themselves, making them toxic and brilliantly colored. And birds, contrary to what one might think, are most closely related to dinosaurs. And the mating dances of jumping spiders are complex and memorable. Of course, I loved learning about the echinoderms (the sea stars, sea cucumbers, urchins, etc). They have a cool water vascular system. And turtles are cool.

We also covered protists a little bit, mostly to discuss why that name doesn't work anymore with recent data, but in the reading I was just astounded. I had no idea so many diseases came from protists, including malaria and giardia, two things I definitely became more aware of by traveling in India, african sleeping sickness, red tide, chagas, dysentery, and the list goes on. It makes me want to learn more about protists.


That part of the quarter is over and now we are moving on to plants. I think it's going to be cool. No dissections for the next few weeks, but I like plants and love trees so I think it'll be interesting, and probably challenging as we really go into the form and function of plant life. We also have a plant press project to do where we have to collect six different types of plants and dry them out (not an easy task in the Pacific Northwest!) and then preserve them. Looking forward to it.


In music class we have moved on to musical theater, and I have to say I am not so thrilled with it. We have to come up with a song to sing, by next week, and honestly it makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I am just hating it right now. That is sooooo not the kind of music I listen to and I am having so much trouble finding a song. I mean I can find sheet music I'm sure, but to find a song I can actually do, shit, I'm getting nowhere.

We are supposed to really perform the song, at least sound and look sincere while doing it, so I am hoping to find a song I can relate to in some way, but am very skeptical that such a thing exists in musical theater - it is just so not my style, not the kind of stories I identify with, and a genre I'm just completely unfamiliar with. I'm beyond frustrated trying to find something. At least when I've performed or sang songs in front of people before - in a few different situations - I could always pick a song I loved and put some real feeling into it. I am so utterly lost and really beyond complete frustration at this point in the class and I have to perform next week! So I not only have to learn the words and the notes, but also find the sheet music and learn things like, where I come in, how to go along with the accompaniment, etc. I am so beyond frustrated!

It feels like we have no time to find a song. It feels like every other person in our class is all gung ho about musical theater and talking about what shows they loved since they were two (okay it's an exaggeration, obviously) and I still don't know where to start and have no idea wtf I'm going to do and am getting pretty upset just thinking about it. I think the class is inadvertently fostering a deep hatred for musical theater.

I mean, this is the extent of my musical theater exposure: I watched The Sound of Music as a kid, so know (or did know once upon a time) the songs from that, and in high school I was in South Pacific and did stage crew for Wizard of Oz. So I probably could recall bits and pieces from those shows. And I've seen Phantom of the Opera but not so as to remember any of the music. And that's it. And I don't like Rent. So......yeah.

I did go and download The Secret Garden because though I've never seen the musical, I love that story. I remember reading once (in a book that explores the sacred feminine) that The Secret Garden is a great example of a story where the wounded feminine and masculine find healing in each other. I think that's pretty cool.

So yeah, I found a song from that as a possibility, but I think it is too high for my voice. I would say the same for "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," which is the only song I remember from Wizard of Oz, and well, everyone knows that song. I even thought about doing "Edelweis" (sp?) from Sound of Music b/c I so loved that song as a kid and b/c the fact that it's sung by a dude made me think it might actually be in my range but then my teacher played it for me and I don't know if it was some totally different version or what, but it was so high I just pretty much gave up. It's intimidating because so many people in the class can sing really well. And I know my nervousness gets me more than anything, b/c when I am by myself I can hit notes kind of okay but it's like when I get in front of the class, I just can't. At all.

I have a midterm in there tomorrow. A lot of it is anatomy - of the larynx, tongue, ribs and diaphragm, etc. It's funny how much I'd prefer to do that than any of this musical theater stuff. It's like, please give me an anatomy test, b/c that I can do.

And we're not even going to talk about my self-defense class that I started outside of the school one. I don't know if I'm going back or not. Fuck.


Thank god Biology is keeping me engaged and sane and doing something enjoyable! That reminds me I wanted to say a few words about the program I went to in Baltimore (right after my last post) for blind and visually-impaired college students. It was a very inspiring weekend, with interesting speakers and people telling their personal stories (something I love, love, love to no end). And so now I'm looking into how to get involved, most specifically in science-related ways. So I am exploring some programs for blind youth in the sciences and how to get involved with mentoring. I wish I had known about something like that when I was younger, because though I did find a lot of sources of inspiration and encouragement growing up, I never really felt that in the sciences, at all. And now they have blind students working for NASA. So empowering blind students in the sciences is something I really want to get involved in.


Currently Listening:
"School Night" - Ani DiFranco - I LOVE this song, though I do think it's kind of fucked-up that at one part she likens choosing between two lovers to a mother trying to choose which child to rescue from a burning house. That just seems...wrong. At first it turned me off from the song, but I got over it because I really, really love the song. I love her metaphors, the beginning of this song is just pure, classic Ani.

School Night

She went over to his apartment clutching her decision
He said, "Did you come here to tell me goodbye?"
So she built a skyscraper of procrastination
And then she leaned out the 25th floor window of her reply
And she felt like an actress just reading her lines
When finally she said, "Yes, it's really goodbye this time."

Far below was the blacktop and the tiny toy cars
And it all fell so fast and it all fell so far

And she said
You are a miracle but that is not all
You are also a stiff drink and I am on call
You are a party and I am a school night
And I'm looking for my door key but you are my porch light

And you'll never know, dear
Just much I loved you
You'll probably think
This was just my big excuse
But I stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is but one of my truths

What of the mother whose house is in flames
And both of her children are in their beds crying
And she loves them both with the whole of her heart
But she knows she can only carry one at a time
She's choking on the smoke of unthinkable choices
And she is haunted by the voices of so many desires
And she's bent over from the business of begging forgiveness
While frantically running around putting out fires

But then, what kind of scale
Compares the weight of two beauties
The gravity of duties
Or the ground speed of joy?
Tell me what kind of gauge
Can quantify elation
What kind of equation
Could I possibly employ?

And you'll never know, dear
Just much I loved you
You'll probably think
This was just my big excuse
But I stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is just one of my truths

And so I, I'm going home
To please the one I so love pleasing
And I don't expect he'll have much sympathy
For my grieving
But I guess this is the price that we pay
For the privilege of living for living for even a day
In a world with so many things worth believing
In