Is this some new form of torture?

So, music class. I picked my song awhile ago, finally, practiced it, plunked out the notes on my piano so I could match them, even though I don't really know how to correctly play a song like this (it switches keys and both that the song is in have LOTS of flats and sharps and I'm not there yet in my very basic piano learning), and practiced some more.

Every day I go to class, sure I will sing my song that day, nervous as all fuck about it but prepared, and I STILL haven't gone yet! DAMNIT. I never, ever say this, I an not one for ripping off the bandaid, I'd much rather put it off indefinitely, but I am ready to just get it over with already! I can't take this stress of every Monday, Wednesday and Friday trying to rally the courage to sing in front of my class, only to not have it happen. Of course, part of me is always relieved in the moment but STILL. Enough already!

Monday had better be a for sure! I was so sure I would go today - I had even talked with my instructor and she said I would go first today, so, with performance in mind, I dressed up a little bit, put on a hot outfit (in fact had to put a little sweater over it b/c I decided the actual outfit was probably a little too showy to wear to school, lol, but the sweater only slightly took the edge off of that), put on some jewelry, made sure I felt all colorful and hot in anticipation of performing my song. GRRRRR. I was READY. Guess I will just practice some more until Monday, but shit!

It has been preoccupying me all week. On Wednesday I was sure I would go during that class, and I had a big exam in biology directly before that, and there were times while going through the exam, that I caught myself drifting off and mentally reviewing my song almost in the background of working through the questions.

Speaking of bio and exams, I'm rockin' it! On every test this term, I've only gotten one question wrong, and speaking of torture, lol, for the last two exams, I originally filled out the scantron exactly correct for a perfect score and then second guessed myself and changed an answer and got it wrong. Both times, a perfect score was soooo in my reach. Next time, I'm not freakin' changing any answers!

We have one more exam left and we get to drop our lowest one, so technically, if I wanted I could completely blow off the class from this point forward, not go to class again, not take the final at all. It's a tempting thought, but I'm not going to do it. For one thing, I'd be bored. I like having this challenging class to keep me mentally stimulated. I can't wait to have more classes than just two, and like I said before, I'm getting into the plant stuff. It is crazy to think how complex they are, and I'm very interested in something we are getting to soon, which is plant sensory systems. It's kind of wild to think they have sensory systems and how they might interact with their environments.

Also, I'm an overachiever, I think by nature, so I want to continue to rock it and I am determined to eventually get a perfect score on one of these exams this year! I'm always sooo close! School is my happy self-esteem place. My life is in some ways really screwed up. I struggle with a lot of things, with friendships and interpersonal relationships and sticking up for myself. My romantic life has been catastrophically unsuccessful. My writing life can be painful and it's a pursuit that is so infused with rejection letters and feeling not good enough. I still haven't found a job in Portland. But school, I can do and do well and it makes me feel good about myself when all those other things really don't. And yes this may sound crazy or masochistic, but sometimes I really love taking exams. I get in the zone (even while zoning out reviewing my song) and puzzling through questions and just being mentally engaged like that just gives me a feeling of satisfaction very similar to how I feel when I'm playing music or singing or writing. I was so deprived of intellectual stimulation for so long on Orcas (not that there was none, but just not much) that I am not going to give it up now that I have found it.

All that and I've asked my prof for a letter of recommendation, and I think it would not leave a good impression if I just blew off the last section of class just because I could. So I will continue to learn the crap out of plants, and then next term it's animal form and function (I think we go through the systems of the body or something) and ecology.

Before that starts, over spring break, I landed a pretty sweet job that I am really psyched about. I will be working with kids in Montana for a weekend, monitoring the migration of snow geese by sound. It will be really exciting to learn about that and work with kids and feel like I am doing something science-y and hands on (ears on?) and I look forward to that. The crazy thing is, I wasn't sure this job existed. I saw a brochure about this weekend camp and it looked so awesome but there was nothing about them looking for staff people. So I let it sit, but kept coming back to thinking how cool it would be to be part of that. So eventually I wrote to the contact person and asked if there were jobs and she said yes and sent me an application. I had read in the brochure that there is a writing component to the camp. The kids will be journaling and writing poetry about their experience. So I mentioned my writing experience in the application, along with all my camp experience, environmental ed experience, etc. So not only was I offered the job, but they want me to lead the writing portion of the camp and lead the kids in putting together a radio program from the writing and the recordings of the geese. It is a bit more than I bargained for but I am sure I'm up to the challenge!


But back to the topic at hand, DAMNIT I am ready to sing my freakin' song already and stop stressing about it! I have had a crazy thought lately though. I read recently that there is going to be a broadway adaptation of "Romeo and Juliet" with Jeff Buckley songs as the soundtrack, called "The Last Goodbye." It's coming out this year, and apparently has already debuted at some place called Joe's Pub. I am actually not a huge fan of the whole R&J story/whatever, but I think this idea is pretty COOL as long as it's done well, and hopefully it will be. ANYWAY it has made me wonder, what if I switched my song that I'm supposed to be dong for class and sang a JB song instead, since technically those songs in the Last Goodbye musical would technically be considered musical theater, right?

Here's an article about the upcoming musical: "The Last Goodbye" I have found several other articles and reviews (including some from JB fans) and they are raving about it. Now this is a show I would LOVE to see.

I might call up my prof and ask her. It would be a LOT harder to sing a JB song than my "Hold On" from The Secret Garden, there's no doubt of that. And JB is pretty passionately lovey lyrically and I had sworn not to sing anything gooey (sorry but the thought of singing some love crap in front of my class is mortifying). I mean the thought of singing lyrics like, "Kiss me, please kiss me, out of desire baby not consolation" or anything from "Lover, You Should've Come Over," makes me want to throw up. I LOVE the songs, I just can't imagine singing something like that in front of people. But, but, but, all of that also kind of makes me want to do it because I am a glutton for making myself do things that scare the bejeezus out of me. I have so much deep, heartfelt love for those songs that I kind of want to do it, as challenging and gooey as it may be. It's just so much more ME than anything else I have found.

Hmmmm. Maybe this prolonging of my song for days on end has a purpose after all? I didn't know about this Last Goodbye musical until a day or two ago, and didn't really start thinking of that as an opportunity to use a Jeff song for my class performance until today. Could there be some unseen synchronicity in the torture?

I think I'm going to find out, see what my instructor thinks about me doing that. Why not? You only live once. Might as well do something that reflects something you really love and something that scares the fuck out of you, something that you feel passionate about. I think it will be so much more rewarding, even if I sound terrible and totally bomb it. I think I will regret not doing it, and as my friend Desmond from my India trip always said, "Do the thing that you would regret not doing." So, I'm going to go find out. I feel like proactivity is sort of my thing lately. Like the spring break job - sometimes if you want something, you just have to go after it and pursue it even if it doesn't work out. Just sent an email to my teacher, asking her about making this switch. We'll see what she says, and then we'll see how well (or not) I do actually singing a song. I have always, always wanted to perform the song "Everybody Here Wants You," and if I can find out the song list of the musical and that's on there, I'm doing it. I've wanted to do that for like, ten years. It really might be a horrible performance but I almost don't care!

The main thing is living the dream, baby.

(Edited to Add: OMG HOLY SHIT I found the song list as well as lots of pics from the debut here (at a site called Music Slut, gotta love that). HOLY SHIT! I didn't even think of half the songs on here, like We Could Be So Happy Baby, FORGET HER (no freaking WAY, I didn't even think they'd include rares, I LOVE the shit out of that song), Opened Once, Morning Theft. OMG if my music teacher lets me do a song from this show, I will be dizzy with joy but how will I ever choose, and practice, by Monday??? SHE HAS TO LET ME DO A SONG FROM THIS MUSICAL!

I am flippin' out.

And just to tie everything together, musical theater and biology, there is another article at that Music Slut site about an upcoming opera about Darwin called Tomorrow, in a Year.

Currently Listening:
OMG this is TOO funny, the song that came up is "Lover, You Should've Come Over." How wild is that! My iTunes and I have a psychic connection, I swear.

(OMG the thought of singing words like this is mortifying, lol. Plus I will have to change the pronouns.)

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

When I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late