Killing Time Waiting for my Final

And my brain is full, I don't think there is any point in trying to stuff in any more details about biology. Anyway we had a practice final and I got 78 out of 80, so I'm probably fine, I hope.

So, today is the last day of my first term. Overall, it's been really good. Really loving the biology class, and my lab group started studying together. That's been great! We're all contributing, splitting up tasks like writing up vocabulary, going through practice tests, teaching each other things the others don't get so well. I know it has been a huge benefit on both ends. It's great to have people to clarify things you don't quite get, and it's also very helpful to teach something to someone else. I feel like my knowledge of how to solve genetics problems really solidified when I wrote it out to show another girl in my group. And studying with these guys is fun! Our ages range from 22 to 39 and a lot of times we take our study sessions to the bar, or go grab a beer before class or after a test. It's been really fun, and it's kinda cool to have people to talk with about this stuff b/c most people I know aren't really into biology.

Apparently our study group is pretty effective, we kind of have a study group stalker (this guy who really, really wants to be in our study group next term, which is fine as long as there is some contribution).

It's been a LOT of information though! In these 9 weeks we covered the very basics of evolution, basic biological chemistry (mostly involving carbon and water), proteins, DNA & RNA, lipids, the cell and alllll its components, cell communication and signaling, aerobic respiration, photosynthesis, cell division, cell division in gametes, genetics, DNA replication, how genes work, transcription and translation, gene expression in bacteria, gene expression in eukaryotes, genetic engineering, genomics, bacteria, and viruses.

It's like holy shit that's a lot of material! And a lot of it is pretty detailed. I am enjoying the challenge, and learning a LOT. One of the things I love is that our book is very well illustrated. The artist who drew them has a Ph.D in biology and really tried to draw things as they really look. I am learning that I am a very visual learner. Whenever we're going over something in study group, I'm always, "Oh yeah, it's that picture with the purple enzyme..." The enzymes are definitely the coolest looking things in the book. My favorites so far are phophofructokinase (plus that name is so cool), the spliceosome and the basil transcription complex. A lot of the enzymes look like these blobby monsters. They're kind of adorable (or "cute" as I'm told is the "in" word here in Portland).

One of my favorite things is called dideoxy sequencing, which is just a really, really cool and innovative way to determine the sequences of smaller stretches of DNA. The guy who thought that up, Sanger, just had to be soooo fucking brilliant to put that together and that sort of genius just kind of turns me on, lol. I am hot for dideoxy sequencing (although actually doing it now is not quite as cool as the original way, and probably really doing that kind of sequencing would be tedious and boring, I just think the invention is sooooo cool).

It's also really interesting to have a working knowledge of what genetic engineering is and how it's done. I'm sure what is in our book is very cursory, but still I know a lot more now, about things and concepts that are sort of tossed about a lot and how they are done. Our book brings up some ethical concerns about it, but what I thought was cool was that our prof really went into a lot more of that, including things I had never thought about and lots of things I had. In fact there is a class next term called Genes and Society which is all about the ethics of genetic stuff, by this woman who's gone all over the world studying the effects of genetic engineering. I really wish I could take it but I am half time so I can't or it will put me over my financial aid bracket which would be no good at all. I might see if it's going to be offered again next year, and if not maybe I will see if I can sit in. Gotta say, a lot of this stuff is soooo fascinating! In our study group, I was the one who wrote up the genetic engineering chapter so feel very familiar with it (I also had the sex/cell division in gametes chapter, lol).

All right, well just stopping by b/c it's been awhile. I think I am actually going to go review viruses one more time, eat some dinner and then head over to the classroom. Almost wish the test was earlier in the day, feeling pretty antsy just sitting here killing time.


Currently listening:
"500 Miles" - Tori Amos - really getting into this album (abnormally attracted to sin, and must say I love that title), and this is probably my favorite so far. I'm just digging it, loving the lyrics, singing it all the time. I am definitely on yet another Tori kick.

He walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring me bread
His body like a sculpture
almost decorated

And I’ll wake him as the dawn does
and we’re breaking on the bus
saying this was made for us
and now

In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will we break even break

step it up
grab your phone, get your suitcase
there’s no time to waste
a big adventure awaits

Sad news
France suffered a late snow
The blooms break through the ice
And San Francisco,
Her guitar man finally confessed
He loved that actress
With hearts touched by frost
We fought in the land of a midnight sun
I lost myself
I lost myself

I walked 300 miles
just to bring, to bring him bread
In love some gifts are simple
Others I underrated

So I wake him as the dawn does
and we’ll face what any lovers must
blueness pales within a flame’s lust

In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, bring me again
In lovers communion for 500 miles
and in 500 miles
will he break, even break
will we break, even break
Break, even break
Don’t slide, don’t weep
my life even
break

Okay, this is NUTS - right as I was about to hit post, the power in my building went out. I had to forgo the rereading of notes and get ready in complete darkness! The hardest part was finding my glasses in the dark, lol, and then I also had to find my scantron form. On my way out my apt manager told me I shouldn't leave (our door has this electrical key thing to open) b/c she was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back in, but I was like sorry lady gotta take my exam. So I did, and it went well. It was pretty straightforward. No real hard thinking/puzzling through questions like usual. Just straight up do you know your shit. Hopefully I did.

I Just Had the Coolest Afternoon!

Wow.

Okay, I just had an awesome afternoon. Today I met with a woman who works as a naturopathic physician who is totally blind. I mean, WOW. Totally inspiring. It's one of those times that reminds me that my visual impairment is NOT an excuse to not do things! I mean this woman is a doctor! She went through classes like gross anatomy and diagnostic imaging with no eyesight at all. How amazing is that?!?! It makes me feel like, yes, I can do science stuff, and there are all kinds of alternative techniques to do visually-intense things, in school and in life.

She also invited me to a group of blind and visually-impaired knitters and I'm going to do it. I'm good with my hands, and that is something that I've always felt that if I were taught how to do, I could really do by feel. So I am going to go get my knit on and be a stitchin' bitch! It'll be really nice to get connected with the visually-impaired community too. I'm psyched about that!

I came away from that appointment feeling really fired up and inspired. I also felt SO affirmed in my decision to attend school rather than that program in CO. She had some insight about that and the organization that totally backed up the feelings I was getting about things. I still want to make a post about that someday, about groups and organizations and their "central dogma" to use a bio term, but feel I need to really carefully consider my words b/c I am worried about the response. Anyway I felt like I learned SO much from her today about what I can do to succeed in science classes. She keyed me in to some really great strategies and techniques, and she's local so I feel like she's someone I could talk to if anything came up. WOW.

Not to mention, if I haven't already that there is a visually-impaired chemistry prof. at my school, who just happens to be the brother in law of a good friend of mine from Orcas. He helped me move in even! So I just have to say, it's yet another thing that makes me feel like I am SO GLAD I am here. I feel like Portland is just teeming with resources. And I was kind of in a funk, so this inspiring afternoon was just what the doctor ordered! It really is good to remember that whatever I choose to do in life, the eyesight is not a good enough excuse not to. I mean hell now they have blind people working for NASA, and there is a woman in WA who is working hard to be an FBI investigator even though she is blind. So it's like, fuck yeah!

The coolest part was, this was a chance meeting in a way. One of the presenters for my one-credit class a few weeks ago said something that made me want to ask her a follow-up question. The class is huge, so I waited at the end of the line to talk to her and when we met, she asked me about my eyesight and I said yeah I am visually-impaired, and she said, "Oh I have to connect you with this person I know, she's brilliant..." and so she called me a few hours later with this woman's contact info, and we talked and decided to meet this afternoon. It was just awesome! This seems to be the place of chance encounters, let me tell you. There is a crazy story about how a girl who used to live on Orcas randomly met the director of the company that put on my India program, and they bonded over the fact that they both knew me, and then there were some other WILD coincidences with that. Just makes me feel like I am in the right place!

Okay well, I have to get ready for class. We have our second exam on Monday, on much harder material but still I am going to fucking ROCK IT!

Currently Listening:
"Someone Else's Life" - Joshua Radin - I still don't know what to think of this guy. It's like I can't tell if he's really emotionally sincere, or a real tool. I mean, I like him a lot but I do get a feeling that something is lacking somehow, some element of rawness or depth or intensity or something. Still, I like. A lot. And he worked with Tori, a major point in his favor in my book!

Somehow
I'm leading someone else's life
I cut a star down with my knife

And right now
I still see the way the moon
Plays this tune
Though our lights died.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

And somehow
I'll make tonight our own
I'll show you every way I've grown
Since I met you

And right now
I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along
If you let me.

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's every day
The same way.
Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost,
I look at my picture of you.

If you let me,
I'll show the world to you.
Yes, if you let me,
I'll know just what to do.

Cos then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
In my worn through shoes.

When I'm lost
In your eyes
I see a way for me

Class Sign-Up Predicament (A Blessing in Disguise?)

So I have a bit of a predicament for signing up for classes.

I have to take between 6-8 credit hours each term this year. If I take less than six, I don't get financial aid. If I take more than eight, then it's more than half-time, and I simply can't afford it even with the financial aid. Also if I take eight or less all year, then next year I can be considered an Oregon resident for the rest of my schooling, which will make all the difference in the world. I will seriously be paying less going full-time next year as a state resident, than I am this year at half-time. By a pretty significant amount!

So pretty straightforward, right? 6-8 credits shouldn't be too hard to manage. Most classes are 4, so it should be easy.

Except that the Biology class I'm taking is a 5-credit class b/c it includes the lab. So that alone is not enough, and if I add any regular class, that puts me at 9 and I'm over my limit. So what it basically means I have to do is take some more unusual classes.

This quarter it was fine, there was an easy 1-credit class to add, kind of a career exploration class for science people. We see presentations every week, and have to turn in assignments answering questions based on the presentation and have a final essay to write at the end. It's just pass/fail, no real grade, but I am loving the class, and the assignments are pretty easy, just some self-reflection basically.

It's funny, I took a similar class in the physics department when I was in school before, and it was a lot easier, there were no assignments, no final essay, all you really had to do was show up. And at that time, it really turned me off to physics, because other than teaching, all the careers we heard about were related to defense. And anyone who knows me knows that there is absolutely no way I would EVER do that. So that class was a real bummer even though it was a lot less work. I'm glad I'm liking my current class a lot better!

But the point is, there are no classes like that next term. There are still some cool options, though they took some digging in the class schedule to find. There's a handful of PE classes I might be interested in - self-defense, swimming, yoga, belly dancing - as well as some potential music classes - voice, piano, guitar - aimed for beginners who are not music majors, like myself. I am really thinking about signing up for voice for next term.

I have wanted voice lessons my whole life so bad. As a kid, anytime I asked, my mom said I didn't have enough natural talent, which just crushed me every time. I remember the summer before my junior year of high school, I was writing a lot of poems and songs, and I kind of strategized all summer, preparing my case to ask again. There was a program for music lessons for visually-impaired people that made lessons super affordable, and I could cover the rest out of allowance. I thought that might help my case. And then after the second day back in school I finally worked up the courage to ask again, and got the same response. It was the perfect start to probably the worst year with some of my darkest days. I never asked again, and though I always thought about signing up for something like that in college, I never had the guts b/c I knew what kind of response I would get from my family. It's like, how many times are you going to let someone punch you in the face? So I never went near that topic again. As an adult I could never really afford it, though I never really stopped thinking about it, through the years. When I was in India, there were a few times where it really came to me how much I wanted to be musical, and how I've sort of given up, and how I don't want to give up b/c it means too much to me. I promised myself I would look into it upon my return to the US.

So now, the opportunity is there, it would be part of my tuition, and it fits my schedule (could go to that right after bio class) and the prof gets good reviews. It's a little scary b/c it's been so emotionally loaded a topic for me, and I've felt a lot of hurt around the topic. I think if I take a class like that, it's going to stir some stuff, shake me up some. Maybe that's a good thing. It feels like it could open up a can of worms of feelings that have been kinda stuck and lodged inside. Maybe the possibility of not shaking stuff up is a lot worse. I think when you grow up in a situation that feels oppressive and gives you certain beliefs about yourself, it is all too easy as you get older, to take over the oppression yourself and keep holding onto those beliefs. I don't want to live like that. I know I don't have any kind of stunning voice, but still I think I am okay, and if I take the class, it can only get better, right? I love to sing and I want to do it better, better express myself through music.

So I think I'm going to sign up for the class for winter quarter. It scares me, a lot, but sometimes those are the things that are really worth doing. And then in spring I might take the piano class. Sometimes, even (or especially) in school, you just have to follow your heart.

I never would have found this class if I wasn't in the predicament of needing to dig to find classes that are 1-3 credits, so even though at first I was like fuck, how am I going to stay within my credit range, I think it definitely turned out to be a blessing in disguise!


Currently Listening:
"The Good Left Undone" - Rise Against (who I saw at Lolla). Okay I must say that I completely misunderstood the chorus of this song the first time I heard it. I thought he was saying, "All because of you/I haven't slept in so long/When I do I dream/Of running in the ocean/reaching for the shore/Where I can let my hair down/I forgot your voice..." Not so terribly terribly off, but, definitely different.

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....

So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...

Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

All because of you.
All because of you.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Survived My First Exam

I had my first exam today. I was nervous, but I had studied hard for it. It went really well! If anything I was overprepared. I really took the time to make sure I understood everything. There were a few things I was struggling with and I looked them up online or later in my textbook b/c I didn't want to get tripped up.

The exam covered a lot of material, especially the last chapter of the book that was on the test, which was an overview of all the parts of the cell, and was by far the longest chapter we'd covered, and was really dense, chock full of parts and processes and terms and tons of information that was different than the previous material (we basically went from some basic biochemistry stuff, building blocks, lots and lots of chemistry, to cell biology and there were just so many processes to understand).

And really, when I sat down to take it, it was easy. I didn't have to know half of what I had roaming in my brain from the material. I could have gotten away with studying a lot less, but hey, now I really understand some shit that will probably come back later on, so it's all good.

There were a few questions that were a bit tricky, maybe three out of the fifty, that I'm not totally sure I got right, but overall it was a lot easier than I expected.

I have to say I am feeling pretty good. I am not in the concurrent chemistry class that most people are taking, b/c I can't afford to, and even so they are thinking of making the chemistry class a prerequisite for our class, so I was worried about not having that background, but hey, I'm doing fine.

And best of all, I'm enjoying it! I really enjoy the prof. She gives sooo many relatable examples. I always used to think of myself as a physics person when it came to science, and it's like, oh shit, this is way more interesting and feels more, just relatable I guess, more earthly. I am loving it. My prof is funny and always throws jokes in and the only downside is she talks really fast so it can be hard to catch things, but all the notes are on blackboard, so it works out. Today's lecture (after the exame was over) involved erections, LOL. And viagra! But that is exactly what I mean, it's easy to pay attention and stay engaged in the class when you use examples like that. She mentioned tonight that she will be teaching the winter term of the class (up until now, it seemed to be up in the air), so I'm psyched to be able to continue with her as my prof.

I do sometimes wish class wasn't so huge. We have almost 300 people (a lot more of them were there today, since it was test day), so it is a bit hard to get to know people, except the ones in my lab group. I mean the class is just huge. I am taking another one-credit class (needed that to get financial aid) and that ended up being really huge too.

Gotta say, it is so nice to be in school as an adult. I am thrilled to be at PSU, b/c there are tons of other adult students, I am nowhere near oldest in my class, and that is nice. It makes me glad I made the decision for this school. And as I've said before, there are other disabled students (a few others in my class even). It's just nice to feel like I'm not outside of the student body. It also helps that my class is a night class. But yeah, it's great to be in such a different situation as last time I was in school. It's nice that I can come home to my studio apartment, that there isn't the whole feel of college being a big extension of high school with all its social bullshit. It just has a totally different feel to it this time around.

Last weekend in lab (yes I have a lab on the weekend, Saturday afternoon actually), we looked at e. coli and baker's yeast and some other things under the microscope, looked at some pond creatures and fossils as well. It kinda freaked me out, I've had bad experiences with lab classes before, and always kind of dread the microscope because of it, but it went well. I have my lab assistant now, which is a help, but I also did a lot of it myself. She's there to help if I need it, show me things that the TA is demonstrating in the front of the class, stuff like that. And she gets paid by the school. It is a pretty cool system.

Anyway I'm off for a good night's rest so that I can get up and do homework for my one-credit class and my lab, and make sure I don't fall behind on reading for the next test.

Life is good.

Student Life

Some general observations:

Things have changed A LOT since the last time I was in school, which was only seven years ago! I had to learn how to use Blackboard (online class program thing) for all my classes. It has its own separate email for each class, as well as discussion boards, review material, lecture notes, posted grades and assignments (some of which are completed solely via the web). Also, for my first lab class we had to make charts and graphs on Excel, which I've never used (luckily one of my lab partners is proficient).

It's not only the technology, but the material. Back when I was in high school, we had to memorize these classification groups for biology, you know, Kingdom, Phyllum, Order...all the way to Species. It turns out that is a bit outdated. Now they are mapping species similarity using genetics and it turns out that fungi are more similar in genetic makeup to humans and animals than they are to plants or algae. The mapping ends up looking like a tree-ish sort of thing.

I am really, really glad I chose school over the Denver Center. My mind feels engaged for the first time in ages, in real challenging material. I haven't taken bio or chem (and there is a lot of chemistry involved in this first term of bio) since I was in my first two years of high school. I remember parts of it from back then, which helps (and chem hasn't changed), so it's stirring up old knowledge but really expanding it. And we are covering material FAST. This is the start of my third week, and we're already on chapter seven of a huge book, and having our first exam next week. So it's been a lot of material, and challenging material, but I feel like I am keeping up.

And! I have learned some cool things:
My friend loves this one: In the human liver there are two enzymes that break down alcohol, one that does it fast and one that takes more time. Some people don't have the faster one, so their bodies have a harder time handling drinking, and the person gets super flushed (and pretty drunk) like immediately and just in general can't handle much of anything to drink. So if you are ever in need of an excuse to not drink and feeling peer pressure, you can blame it on your enzymes (or lack thereof).

Red blood cells look like donuts with a dimple instead of a hole.

I don't know if other things I've learned will interest anyone (and are a bit complex), but I've also learned about how snake venom works, how detergent (as in laundry soap) works, the basic gist of what causes mad cow disease, and lots of other fun things. Now when I get out of the shower, I think about Hydrogen bonds (water adheres to the body via H bonds, hair is more malleable and less stiff, also due to H bonds). I have to say, it's early, only had five lecture classes so far, but I am loving it. And I really like my prof. She brings in these really practical examples of the processes we're learning about and she takes time to answer questions in class and discuss things, while still moving through the material quickly.

And I feel like I'm keeping up. I'm staying on top of the reading (which is a LOT), getting practice questions right at the ends of chapters, getting questions in class right (it's a huge lecture, almost 300 students, and so we have multiple choice questions in class and we have to hold up our answers, it's not for grading, more for us to check ourselves and how well we're following). The upcoming exam feels intimidating, but I think I'll do well. I'm expecting a lot out of myself, hopefully not unrealistically. I definitely expect straight A's.

Lab is a bit more challenging, mostly for me visually but I should be getting an assistant soon. The first week we played with plant pigments from red cabbage (which luckily had already been distilled and all, so there was no smell), and this past week we extracted our DNA and put it through the same process as you would to do a PCR test (which is what is used for crime scene investigation, paternity testing, testing for genetic conditions, etc) and also got to really visualize and play with the rules of protein folding by playing with big foam noodles!

I am only taking six credits - that was the perfect balance where I could still get financial aid and enroll, and have enough aid/student loans left over to cover living expenses in case it takes me a bit to find a job (apparently the job market here in Portland really blows) - but it certainly feels like a full load of classes. There is a lot of reading for lab which is separate from the reading for lecture and we have quizzes every week (pretty sure I aced the first one, if anything I was overprepared). And then I have a one-credit class on Fridays that requires a lot of thoughtful, written responses, even though it's only one-credit and is pass/fail only.

So yeah, school is great!

For my Orcas peeps - hate to say this but I'm not coming up for Women's Wellness Weekend. I have my one-credit class on Fri, my lab on Sat, and assignments due for both that weekend, and my second exam is the day after the weekend ends, soooo not this time. Hopefully my schedule will be different next term and I can make it for the Spring one and read the shit out of some tarot cards for all the ladies! This time around though, school's gotta come first. It looks different, being older, and paying for school myself, and I feel committed to making it my first priority.

Anyway that's the quick update about classes. Still loving my place and my location, so happy I chose PSU as my school, and really scored on apartment location. My friend Holly is visiting, which has been really nice to have a friend around. We've done some shopping and arranging for my new studio apartment and exploring some of the local places to eat and areas of Portland. It's been fun and after she leaves tomorrow I will have to buckle down for some hard core studying for next week's exam.

Going to a few more upcoming shows too - Ani DiFranco, who I've always wanted to see, and the week after that, Joshua Radin, who I've posted here before. I can't decide if he's a real genuine songwriter, or kind of a tool, LOL, but maybe the live show will help me figure that out. Can't believe I'm actually going to see someone live who I discovered via Grey's Anatomy. What is this world coming to??

Albinism Special on 20/20 Tomorrow (Friday)

Well I've been a bit out of the loop - heard about this awhile ago but didn't know it was coming up until a friend forwarded me an email. Here it is:

UPDATE: 20/20 Special: Overcoming Social Stigma of Albinism
Scheduled to air Friday, October 2nd at 10pm Eastern/9pm Central

Albinism
ABC News has added web articles and video clips to its site promoting the planned hour-long albinism special, scheduled to air on 20/20 this Friday evening. Visit the 20/20site for the latest information.

In support of tomorrow's 20/20 broadcast about albinism, NOAH invites members to contact their local ABC news station to offer to do an interview on the topics of living with albinism and/or living with a child with albinism to bring greater awareness to albinism in your community.

Here is the NOAH site: www.albinism.org.

I don't have TV and it probably won't be surfacing where I usually get my TV shows, so would be curious to hear what others think - I know I have at least a handful of readers who also have albinism. There really are some social stigmas that go aong with albinism - about the eyesight and the paleness. I personally a very glad that NOAH exists. I remember going to conferences when I was a kid, and feeling like those times, along with going to blind camp, were the only times I didn't feel like a complete outcast freak. So, I am glad the condition is getting some more positive exposure. I hope this show will also help clear up some common misconceptions that can still be prevalent.

I encourage everyone who can to watch!

On a side note, when I first got the email about this, I wasn't thinking of the show 20/20 and was just thinking eyesight, lol.

I'll be doing my own part, in a personal revolution sort of way (though a really subtle one) to overcome some stigma (more about visual impairment in general I guess) by starting to maybe take on something. And no, you don't get to know what it is, not unless or until it develops further. Cryptic enough?

Anyway, watch the show!


Currently Listening:
"No Surprises" - Radiohead - it's been in my head since the House premiere. I'm not hugely into Radiohead, and this song has kind of caught me off guard.

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.

You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.

I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silence, silence.

This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.

No alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises, please.

The Big Move

So, the last week or two was like a whirlwind, but I am here, live, writing to you from my campus computer lab. Should get internet hooked up at home tomorrow.

Speaking of home, I moved into my new apartment on Saturday and it is cool. It is small, definitely smaller than my apartment on Orcas (and way more expensive), but it will totally work. I am on the top floor, which means it's pretty warm, but I can leave my windows open without worry, and there's a fan, and I never have to hear anyone else's noise, just inflict mine on others, lol.

The kitchen is a closet literally, it folds out and there is a lot of shelf room, and the fridge is a mini and the oven looks like it was built for a midget, but I'm going to make it work for me. I am such a natural nester that I've already set it up and organized things. I have TONS of closet space. As one of the people who helpmed move me in siad, I have more closets in my apartment than he does in his house! So that is helping with organization and all that. And one of the closets has a full length mirror on the door! That is cool.

Aside from that, it's a cool place. The building is pretty old, the elevator is literally the same kind they have in India - very old, which made moving in kinda interesting. It is nice to have a new home though, and to not have to worry about sharing with a stranger. I am loving setting it up and have almost everything unpacked already. My friend HOlly is visiting in a few days and she will help me decorate and set up more. I have to say, I am really, really psyched about my place.

Also the location is AWESOME. I am so close to campus that my building is within the campus map. It's two blocks from where I will have my lab class. I'm within walking distance of Powell's bookstore, about a block from the main Portland library, close to the farmer's market (which is actually on campus) and feel really centrally located. It is definitely downtown living, very different from Orcas life. The noise outside never stops, but I can sleep through anything, so it's cool. The best part is that even though I am down town I actually have a great tree-filled view! That just makes my heart happy.

I am very thankful to everyone who helped me move - to Heather for arranging it, Joe for driving and getting helpers, Heather, Rob, Eli, Ezekiel and Trish for helping load the car, Trish for getting the rest of stuff out of my storage, Joe for getting help unloading, Kelly for letting me crash in her basement again for the few nights after I arrived and before I could move in, Joe, Harry, Tracy and David for helping move all the stuff in on the rustic elevator. I could not have done it alone.

In other news, classes start today. I will have my first class in a few hours. I'm excited and intimidated by it all, but in the last few days I have gotten so much done, aside from moving. I went to several new student seminars, navigated around campus, registered and got set up with the Disabily Resource Center, got my bus pass and student ID, paid tuition with student loans, bought my textbook (which if I haven't said already, is 1300 pages! The study guide alone is over 400), set up my student online account. It feels like the opposite of last time I was here, where for the first few days I was overwhelmed and freaked out, having that off-island culture shock. I felt none of that this time. I woke up the first morning I was here and got myself on a bus to school to go attend a seminar of great personal academic interest. I just felt like I was rockin' it. I guess I was very ready to leave Orcas.

Somehow in the middle of that I also managed to see David Cross and Pearl Jam. Know what else I have seen? A lot of blind and disabled people. It's awesome. I swear I have hardly ridden the bus without that experience. And the other day I was walking from campus to a bus stop and was walking behind this guy and I suddenly saw he was walking with a cane, as in the blind long white cane. And on the bus the other day I met someone else with albinism. I also saw a girl today in the Disability Resource Center who is taking Anatomy & Physiology, which was very inspiring to see. I need to believe that I can do science stuff despite my eyesight, b/c I get scared and have doubts sometimes.

There is a lot of diversity here in general - people speaking other languages, from all kinds of cultures, and I'm psyched by the wide array of student clubs. There are so many that just reflect a hugely diverse student body. There is even an Atheists and Agnostics Forum! Right on!

Well I am off to go find my way to my classes so I don't get lost later and get to class late. Just wanted to give everyone the update! Will update my contact info on Facebook in a minute.

Yes, this is my Final Answer

for the million dollar question in the game of What the Fuck Am I Doing with My Life?

Anyone who's been following my blog this summer knows that I've had some back and forth thoughts about whether to start school in the fall or to attend a training center for the visually-impaired in Denver. But what you don't know unless you're one of the unfortunate people to have spent a lot of time with me in recent months is how intense and unending this indecision has been. I thought for sure I would go to school no matter what. Then I was unsure. Then I was certain about the center. Then indecision. Then school. Then the center. Then back and forth again and again, ad nauseam. And each time, I was SURE that I had come to a final decision.

And I mean really, I feel sorry for those who have been around me most. I was telling my friend Holly she should shoot me (she declined of course but I think she secretly wanted to, she's heard every nuance of every rethinking of the decision process and all my worries and calculations and meanderings). I can't overstate how freaking crazy I drove myself and those around me. I feel bad that every time my friend Willa from India called me this summer, it was always when I was reconsidering and in indecision, and every time we talked I was like, "My head just hurts, I want this all to stop!" And I feel bad for my friend Kelly, who got revised emails of my plans every week or so. But for all my friends who I drove crazy, I guarantee I drove myself CRAZIER!

There have literally been times I've avoided going places on Orcas b/c I didn't want to deal with people asking me how my plans had changed and I got tired of explaining myself and going back and forth. I can't remember ever feeling quite so mentally exhausted. And I'm happy to say (and how truly do I hope I'm really for real this time). I have finally come to a real decision that I don't think I will go back on.

I am going to school!

A few major factors affected this decision. First was a DVD I watched the weekend before last about the Colorado Center - it turned me off. There wasn't a single thing about the science training (which would be the main reason that I would be going), and as part of the program students have to wear sleepshades (aka blindfolds) so that they learn to rely on other senses to learn the skills, which makes sense but also bothers me some (also it was one thing to know about it, but seeing it in the video was pretty unsettling). That and a lot of the skills taught don't really apply to me. I mean, yes my vision sucks, but it's also stable. My condition is not degenerative at all, and so my eyesight is not likely to change much, and so I will probably never need to know how to do things like put together an outfit by identifying my clothes with braille, b/c I can see my clothes, see the colors and all that. Watching the DVD really made it clear that this and other similar things are a huge part of the program. So all in all it felt like, the more I learned about the center, the more it felt like I would go through a lot of training I don't really need, just to get some science skills and I began to doubt if the investment of time and energy would be worth the payoff, especially as I've been anxious to go back to school and have been trying to make that work out for the last few years now and feel reluctant to put it off.

There were a lot of other little things in the DVD that also bugged. Individually, they're nothing, but taken together, there was an effect. One of them is that there's an NFB (National Federation of the Blind) philosophy class that students have to take, so that they will "fully believe in the NFB's philosophy of blindness." Okay, that sounds a bit creepy in itself, but add to that that I'm fairly familiar with the NFB's beliefs, and being a critical thinker, there are parts I agree with (and I definitely appreciate what the NFB does), I don't agree with all of it. I have felt at times that members and events of the organization aren't very welcoming to people with partial sight. And a friend of mine had a friend who had a horrible time at the Denver center because of it, which sad to say, doesn't terribly surprise me. I also got the feeling from the DVD and some of the literature that was sent with it that there are a lot of rules and a lot of emphasis on students looking super professional at all times. And that stuff just got all my individualistic, expressive and rebellious tendencies all riled up. I mean physically I was getting all tense. I could already imagine myself getting in all kinds of trouble. I don't even know what they'd make of me, a girl with purple hair and a visible tattoo (if I'm wearing short sleeves). And there were a string of other little things that all left me feeling pretty uneasy after watching the DVD. Little things.

Oh, plus, my astrocartography told me I would get fat if I went to Denver. For those who aren't astrology geeks, astrocartography is basically looking at maps based on your birth chart. It's pretty complicated with lines everywhere, and I don't know how to actually calculate it (even the thought seems daunting) but you can look it up for free at astro.com. I don't put real stock into it, but I did out of curiosity look it up for me in Denver, and while most aspects seem to relate to more esoteric intangible energies, my astrocartography for Denver literally did say I would gain weight and that if I didn't want to, I should move somewhere else, which made me laugh, like, seriously?? Too funny.

But what actually is a much bigger deal and dealbreaker for me than any of the above put together, is the uncertainty about the center. To be able to go, I have to go through a process with the local low-vision agency, to justify my need to go to the center and then get approval, and it was very uncertain how long that would take, and if by the time it did, the center would still have openings and I would have enough time to complete the program before classes start next fall. And there was no way in hell I was waiting past that time to start school (plus it would have messed with my admission/student status/and on and on if I took off any more than a year). The uncertainty was eating me alive, the not knowing when I would go, or if I would get to go and not really being able to make any plans in the meantime. I mean how could I get a job if I might be leaving soon for Denver? But then again it could be months. And it might not happen. Same thing with my apartment, I didn't know what to tell my manager, especially after having worked everything out with her (or so I thought) over the phone while I was in Portland, then I came home to find lots of not so nice letters from her on several topics, and one of them being she has a new tenant waiting for my place. I felt totally locked in limbo, unable to make any kind of concrete plans of any sort when this whole process was so up in the air and I had no idea if or when I'd get to go to the center. I felt trapped. And that feeling, especially after getting back to the island, was only adding to my mental craziness. All I wanted was a sense of security in knowing what was going on, and that felt so elusive.

After watching the DVD, I felt like the uncertainty and all that bs just really might not be worth it and started looking into school again. I crunched some numbers and realized I could do it if I took a more minimal amount of credits (basically my intro biology class, plus one other credit, and I'd still get financial aid and feel fairly comfortable with my money situation even if it takes me a bit to find a job. It could be doable. And there were still spots left in the bio class.

I started reading the class descriptions again, and professor reviews and anything I read just got me so pumped to be in class and be learning this stuff. I got animated and excited and so wanted to be there. I have felt that way any time I have done that sort of stuff. Months ago, before the financial aid curveball came up, I had my classes all planned out and scheduled and felt super excited for them, long before I could even sign up. And each time I've been on the school side of this debate, I have felt this way. I was reading reviews of classes with such longing in my heart. I really don't want to put off school another year is what it comes down to. And I am really, really attracted to the idea of starting part time this year, to ease back into the whole idea of school and studying and classes, and then going full time next year, and being able to take more advanced classes sooner. I'm almost afraid that if I do put it off, I'll lose my drive some, when it's so potent right now. It's hard to describe exactly, I just can't wait to be really immersed in everything, feeling like I am progressing towards something, learning, intellectually stimulated, and the desire is so strong that EVERY time I read anything like these class descriptions or prof reviews, I feel overwhelmed with wanting to be in class and learning. In my incessant indecision, I feel my heart has always been on the side of going back to school. That is what I really want to do.

So I did more research, and found out that my school, Portland State, a school that is known for their disabled student services being awesome (actually when I was touring campus last winter I saw a few people there with guide dogs and when I took the bus there last month I saw a blind guy, always good signs as I've been to schools where I feel like the only person w/a disability, so this was a marked improvement on that) offers lab assistants if needed for disabled students taking lab science classes. That is amazing! I feel like with that option, and with taking the intro class, I'll really be able to see if I'm going to struggle with science stuff b/c of my eyesight, and if I do maybe I'll reconsider the center, but I also came up with all kinds of other resources and possibilities, at the school, through the NFB (they have a science division, and a student division, and the woman who is president of the student division majored in biology and is totally blind), and more. So I feel better about things having done that research. And I'm a determined kind of girl so I'm sure I'll figure out a way to rock it.

So, all this is to say, I've come to my final answer, I'm going to school. I accepted my student loans, signed up for my bio class, did entrance counseling for my student loans (definitely made me think how different this is from last time I went to school, and how all the responsibility is on me in a whole new way that I welcome), and just landed a studio apartment near campus. I'll be leaving in a few days.

It definitely scares me. Moving scares me. Leaving Orcas scares me. Being in class again scares me. I want all of these things, but they also really freak me out. I haven't been in a college class in over seven years! Oh yeah and my textbook for this year for bio is 1300 pages! Talk about daunting! I have never really learned how to study. I was always one of those annoying people who did real well in school without studying at all, so I never had any discipline. And I'm sure I could still be that way, just go to class and pay attention and ace classes without opening a book, but, I don't want to half-ass it. Also, I am definitely out of practice at this point, and have no doubt gotten rusty. So yeah, going to school, studying, taking exams, having homework, trying to get into a more disciplined student mindset that I have really never had, really, really scares me. It's one of the reasons that the idea of easing back into school by going barely part time so appeals to me.

Scary as it is, it feels right, and I'm excited, and I really mean my decision this time. Sometimes you just gotta go with that.

I also want to say I am very thankful to have good friends to bounce ideas off of. I am super grateful to my friend Claire, aka Silver Lining, b/c she is a very grounded, balanced person who could offer an objective opinion. I talked ALL of these factors out with her and that was really the turning point. I get so lost in my head sometimes I lose perspective and have a hard tie sorting things out, especially when there are so many factors. She was so great to talk to and really helped me with the sorting out. And after that I felt so much more clear. And ever since I decided, friends have come out and told me they felt like all along, this is what was really the right decision, and what I truly wanted. It felt so affirming, b/c like I said, I get all jumbled up. And now that I've let the decision settle for a bit, I feel very sure. Now the thought of not starting school for another year is kind of unthinkable. But what felt the most affirming to me was when the person I work with from the local low-vision agency, the same person I would have worked with to make the Denver center happen, told me she really felt this was clearly the right decision for me. And for the first time in months, it really feels like everything is coming together (FINALLY). During Mercury retrograde no less! I better not totally count my chickens yet...

All right, gotta get back to packing.

Currently Listening:
Okay, I'm listening to a cover Tori Amos recently did of "Baby One More Time" yes, the Britney Spears song! Tori can really pull off some covers I tell you. This one is sort of hysterical, I have to say I never in a million years ever would have thought I'd be putting this song on my "currently listening, but when Tori sings it, it's hot and kinda sultry and almost ironic. She puts in some ad-lib too.


Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Oh baby baby the reason I breathe is you
Is you, yes it is you
Oh the reason I know is not a reason for living
But I'm living for you
The reason that I breathe, is for you
And boy you'e got me blinded
Oh pretty baby, there's nothin that I wouldn't do
Thats not the way I planned it

Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killin me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
When Im not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign, hit me baby
You always do
Hit me baby one more time!

Like I said, hysterical! I still can't get over finding this, like, seriously??? Wow. Hahahaha. Oh I had another song competing for this spot on my blog but I may be too embarrassed to fess up to it. I will just say, it's all House's fault.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Orcas Island

(Originally written on September 6th, but I forgot to finish and post)

So, I'm back on the rock. Some might call it Orcatraz and these days, I might be among them.

What I've been wondering a lot lately is if there is a danger in staying somewhere that is too small and safe too long? I feel like I'm living out some negative consequences of having done just that. It's like staying in the womb too long and then not knowing how to breathe in wide open spaces or something.

When I first moved here, life on a small Pacific Northwest island was exactly what I needed. It felt like a port in the storm that was my life. It's also one of the lushest, most beautiful places I have ever encountered. And not in a "oh look at that honey, isn't it pretty?" sort of cheesy way, but in a deep, sacred sort of way, with thick forested areas, fog, and the ocean. Perfectly contemplative. Before I got here, while living in Seattle unable to find work and stressed out all the time, I had this constant daydream that somehow, someday I would be living somewhere where I could see the ocean, somewhere quiet and dreary and maybe even a little melancholy.

And somehow, that incessant daydream that felt like an impossible imagining came true when I came up here (which was six and a half years ago). I lived on the camp property and could see the ocean from my window. I'd wake up to go to work early and see the moon reflecting on the water, or look up and see constellations, and take walks through thick trees. I wrote in detail about this once before in this post. So yeah, for awhile, Orcas was an idyllic haven.

But then I moved off of camp, and started to feel a little suffocated by the smallness of the island, the difficulty and time-consuming complications of getting off the rock while not being able to drive, started to feel extremely intellectually frustrated, and wished there were more people my age, and missed seeing live music more frequently, and (shit I really hope I don't offend anyone by saying this) felt frustrated about writing on Orcas, in terms of, I felt I always had to censor myself, b/c I was always the youngest in any local writing circle I've been in on the island and while some people really welcome the kind of irreverance I would bring to the table, some people really don't. A lot of times it felt like people were writing about flowers and sunlight and sweet memories and so I'd ask them to skip over me as we all read aloud in a circle, b/c I'd written about something less delicate, like say, porn. I started to feel like I had to watch my language in these circles, and my topics, and just felt uncomfortable being myself. I felt like I had to suppress my fire.

Last winter I had cabin fever so bad I thought I would explode, and then I went to India, and when I first came back to my apartment I felt the realization as clearly as if it had been painted on my walls, I was done with Orcas. It was too small. I spent most of my summer thinking of how to get out of here sooner. But it also was a nice respite. I mean India was so intense and overwhelming all the time, sensory overload at every moment, and sometimes it felt really fucking scary. And even after getting used to that and not feeling as afraid, there was still the intensity. So it was nice to be somewhere totally safe, somewhere where I would never think twice about walking home at all hours of the night, sometimes more than a mile walk, sometimes completed while drunk or high or both and feeling totally safe while doing so. It really was nice to come back and just rest a bit, be in familiar surroundings.

And then I went to Chicago and Portland and was kinda freakin' out. I mean this usually happens when I've been on the island a while, whenever I first go to the mainland, it's overwhelming, and big stores and getting around by myself seem insurmountable. Actually I usually get cranky when first off-island as a reaction to feeling a bit out of my comfort zone. It's like clockwork. But I've noticed that it's definitely gotten worse over the years, not better. I feel more overwhelmed and more rusty on travel skills every time I leave the island.

So yeah, Chicago, I was mostly with a group for the whole time, but when I split off to meet up with two girls from my India trip, I was freaking out, terrified I wouldn't meet back up with my group. It ended up being fine, though we did get lost trying to find the right metro station and train track. Still the whole time I was there I was just like, this city is fucking huge and it made me feel kind of lost. And then when we got to Portland after the road trip I felt the same way. I was just so out of practice of living in a city of any size, and didn't know my way around, and felt really overwhelmed. For the first few days, I just wanted to be back on my safe little Orcas. I didn't REALLY want to, but was craving safety, familiar territory, only three main streets to navigate, relief. My friend Elynn had to talk some sense into me. As someone who'd recently left Orcas herself, she knew what I was going through and that it would pass. She gave me a stern little talking to, something like, "Chrys, on Orcas you have no prospects for getting laid and you only have two people to hang out with year round." And I thanked her for the reminder, b/c I needed that, and then all the reasons I was sick of Orcas came flooding back.

After that I decided to venture out and go take the bus to my school, which was a complicated venture. The internet where I was staying wasn't working that morning, so my friend Rachel helped me out. She worked hard looking up bus routes and a local bank b/c I was trying to open an account. It ended up being a really unsuccessful mission at the time. I wasn't able to open one (though later in my second week in the city, everything totally came together swimmingly), and it turned out that where I had to catch the bus to go back wasn't all that near where I'd been dropped off, and I got kind of lost, and had to call Rachel again and work it out. The weird thing was, after that bus adventure, after I got back to my friend's place and all, it's not exactly that I stopped feeling overwhelmed, but it lessened immensely, and I had zero more thoughts about wanting to be on Orcas. I stopped freaking out, like somehow crossing that hurdle made all the difference. And from then on I had a blast.

But it did make me really feel that staying on the island for as long as I have has had some detrimental effects. I can't imagine I ever would have felt all overwhelmed and shit like that before I lived here. I moved to Seattle not knowing one thing about how to get around the city, and not really knowing anyone either, and yeah it was kind of scary at first, but after a few weeks I was answering other people's questions about which buses to take to go where. So it's like, I know I can do it, I just have been horribly out of practice. And that brings me back to my original point, that staying somewhere that's too safe and small for too long has its dangers.

And I must say, I'm hoping not to be here too long. I have been back for not even 48 hours and I feel the same way I did when I first got back from India, I am done with this place. There are lots of people I love, and lots of things I love about the island, but I am just done. I am afraid of being pulled back in to the nest so to speak. I want to be free and Orcas feels like Orcatraz right now. I hate saying that b/c there are sooo many great things about the island, I've just had enough. So I'm keeping myself busy.

I spent a day in Seattle on my way back up North and it was a good reminder that I can be fine in a city, b/c I felt pretty at home there, partly b/c I know its layout and it's familiar. It just reminded me that even if I go somewhere where I don't know anyone or where anything is, it will eventually feel totally navigable.


Currently Listening:
"Paper Planes" - MIA - already did this song once before so I won't bore anyone w/reposting the lyrics. Am loving it though! Love the very beginning the most, "I fly like paper and get high like planes/If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name..." She's cool in a badass way.

Time to Geek Out

This is really fucking cool:

SnakesOnACane. And according to what I read they are real snakes. And it's the caduceus symbol, which is cool b/c it's a medical thing, and because of Maynard's wine.

Love it, and cannot wait to see this coming season. Last year was great (except the episode about the environmental protesters, I can barely stomach that one it makes me so angry and definitely reminds me that House is a show on Fox). I like things about crazy people so I enjoyed the last few of last season very much, with House losing his mind and hallucinating. And now he's in the loony bin, sweet. I wonder where it will go next!

Okay, just had to geek out on that snakes on a cane thing, too cool. My friend Leo said she saw it flash during commercials, like subliminal messages, which is disturbing, but forgivable because it's House.

After the Ecstacy, the Laundry

A few years ago, I went to this amazing writers retreat weekend put on by The Sun magazine in Big Sur, CA, and during the last morning we were all gathered and talking about what we felt about the end of the workshop, and a lot of people expressed some degree of sorrow at having to go back to their real lives, and someone brought up the quote that is the title of this blog, which I think was originally said by some spiritual teacher or something. Ever since that workshop, I think of this quote anytime I'm saying goodbye to any kind of supercool experience and going back to my regular life, and that is the case this morning.

I'm leaving Portland in a few hours, and I have a heavy heart, and I'm glad the sky is dreary and overcast, not just because I always like that, but also b/c it fits. I had too much fun this month, coming to stay w/my friend so we could take a trip to Lollapalooza in Chicago together, meet up with a bunch of friends for the festival, take an awesome road trip back to the west, and after that were my two weeks in Portland trying to start up OR residency so school can be somewhat more reasonable next year.

Where to even start? There is so much to say. The Lolla/road trip has been in the works since April. My friend emailed me about the possibility while I was in India and I remember it feeling like a beacon of light in a way, an adventure to look forward to after getting home. India was also an adventure of course, but it was a really difficult one, so it was really nice to have something to look forward to that would be a little more smooth and simple, yet still would cover new territory.

Lolla was awesome. I saw TOOL for the 4th time and they are fucking AMAZING live as usual. But those guys really, really need to shake up their freakin' setlist. I mean, really now. They have such a great catalog of songs, and I am craving more of it. Also saw Rise Against, The Killers (very excited and into it audience for them) and Snoop Dogg. Left the show for awhile on Friday night and had a random kinda crazy meetup with two of the girls from my India trip. It later involved literally running through the streets of Chicago trying to meet back up w/my group to catch a train. And the friend I was running with was barefoot and muddy. It rained like crazy that day, and two of my friends used plastic tablecloths as ponchos, of which I have photo evidence that I probably should refrain from posting :) And one friend Leo got hair dye in her eye b/c of the rain and it stained her contacts! The best part of the whole weekend, even better than Tool and Maynard was getting to hang out with some great people who I don't get to see nearly often enough.

I was definitely feeling overwhelmed by the crowds at the festival, not exactly my thing. When I was trying to get around Chicago with Nina from my India trip I told her that I was out of my element and she laughed and said, "I've seen you much more outside of your element," and I agreed, b/c crazy as some of it was, it was not India.

So the deal with the road trip was that we flew to Chicago and then met up with Kelly's neighbor as she was driving cross country back to Oregon. She had her dog with her, a fluffy, teddy-bear looking australian shepherd that got nonstop attention wherever we went. We piled into the car and headed west, making camp the first night in Wisconsin. From there we drove through Minnesota and into South Dakota, where it took us forever to try to see the sculptures in Sioux Falls (never mind trying to see the Falls). That night our campsite was RIGHT on the time zone line from Central to Mountain time - if we went from one part of the area to another, our cell phones would switch back and forth.

The next day we drove all through SD and had the hardest time finding a campsite in the Black Hills area, which I have to say was a really gorgeous area, really lush, really adorable little towns, and we drove through a rainshower and I always think everything looks beautiful in the rain. We drove into this one park and had to pay an admissions fee to even go look for a campsite, then drove through this loooong and winding road called the Needles Highway, which had these amazing rock formations, just incredibly cool, but when we finally got to the camp area, everything was full and we had to find somewhere else. We set up camp and went to an evening program at Mt. Rushmore. Oh this was after driving to Crazy Horse, but we didn't really go in there b/c they wanted to charge so much to basically look a bit closer at what we could already see. So fuck that. Mt. Rushmore was...interesting, as my friend Rachel would say. I mean it was definitely mind-boggling to think about how they made it, but the whole thing was way too sickeningly patriotic for me. I think especially after coming back from India, and this is probably true of any foreign experience, (and not even that, b/c I felt this way beforehand, it's just been strengthened by India).

We got up and the next morning and went to the Badlands which are also really cool. I must say I hugely prefer the naturally made phenomena like that to the manmade ones like Mt. Rushmore. I will have to post pictures because the Badlands are hard to describe, but amazing to witness. I felt like we got to see some really incredible parts of the country while driving and camping through them, and that was fucking cool. There is some really amazing landscape. And animals! We saw bison, donkeys, prairie dogs in the distance, heard coyotes, saw a bear while driving at one point, and I don't even remember what else. Lots of bison, which is cool b/c I didn't think there were really still that many out there.

And then there was the rodeo. In Cody, Wyoming, a memorable experience that I never ever need to re-experience. I couldn't see most of what happened for the actual rodeo and honestly, I am thankful. And unfortunately I could hear the announcer, who was this radio clown telling really, really offensive racist and sexist jokes, yelling out how proud he was to be a redneck, and just incessant blather. Afterwards, I felt just kind of all around grossed out and disgusted. During parts of our camping trip we were in really conservative territory, holy shit for sure. We drove past a billboard that said, "Manage your wildlife: Wear Fur." I mean, wtf?

We spent the next day in Yellowstone, which is just a massive, massive park. We didn't even see parts of it that we had meant to, like the Boiling River. There are just so many amazing things to look at, like a lake so huge (and with waves) that looks like the ocean, and all kinds of geysers, and pools of this orange mineral stuff. Really vibrant colors. I wish I knew more about what caused and formed all of these things. That night we had to search for firewood on the side of the road, around dusk, and piled into the back of the car on top the dog. Oh and we got a free campsite that night - someone who had already paid had decided to leave and so that was one of those awesome, cool experiences that comes with travel.

After that we drove through Idaho and into eastern Oregon and stayed at this beautiful lake. The stars were incredible. A few different times we just had amazing skies during the trip, and we were able to see the dipper and the milky way, and some shooting stars. Our last day we spent in the Painted Hills, which really are amazing looking with red and tons of green. We took hikes and stopped at a local museum to learn about the nearby fossil beds and history of the area. From there we drove back to Portland through the lushness of Mt. Hood.

It was a great trip full of awesome music and good times. It was nice though to get back and sleep in a real bed and not have to set up and take down camp every day.

All during the trip I was going through an internal indecisive struggle. It's a common thing I wrestle with. While in Chicago I got a call from my school saying I would most likely get housing, even though I had been wait-listed three times at that point. And that little flicker of hope made me want to say screw the center in Denver, I'm starting school. But I couldn't decide. I really, really wanted to start school. I have been putting it off awhile, I have been thinking about it for years, and seriously looking into it for the last two. I felt so beyond ready, and desperate for intellectual stimulation. I felt really gung ho about doing some science shit. I was going to go part-time b/c doing that, I could sort of afford, sort of, and at the end of the year, I'd be considered an in-state resident.

I kept going back and forth in my mind. I wanted to go to school, I knew that, but I also kept remembering what Desmond from my India trip always said, b/c I think it's a good motto to live by: "Make the choice that you would regret not making." I knew that if I didn't choose the Colorado Center, I'd probably always wonder what skills I could have gained or what it could have been like and how it could have enriched my life, but still, I was going to try to make school work. So I set about calling and doing paperwork crap only to get denied for a loan and wait listed again for housing. I still wanted to try but I sort of came to my senses and was like, okay, obviously the thing to do here is go to the Colorado Center. And that started to really feel right. But I spent my first week after the road trip dealing with that.

The second week, I had fun. I got to see a good friend of mine who used to live on Orcas who I rarely get to see anymore. I got to hang out with a long time internet friend. That was really freakin' cool. And things started to get busier at my friend's house during that second week. We had people over. We went out - to wine tasting, to exploring the Hawthorne area of Portland, to a movie showing about mental health, to an art street fair (at which I got of the car feeling strongly that I would run into someone I knew from Orcas, which turned out to be a very accurate prediction as I ran into the boat captain for the camp I used to work at), and one night we actually went to a strip club - not my idea. So there were four of us women who I think all consider ourselves like mostly straight, watching some naked girls. I was iffy about going, but it turned out to not feel seedy really, and also was pretty impressive - fire dancing and all. Yet another new experience I suppose.

We also had one sort of somber but beautiful morning, all four of us girls just sitting around and talking. It was a bit heavy b/c some of them were going through some tough stuff, but at the same time it was kind of cool to just talk and share insights and listen to kinda brooding music (Elliot Smith, Into the Wild soundtrack, Chris Cornell's Euphoria Morning, Jeff Buckley, Pearl Jam) and contemplate life, and incorporate tarot readings into it. Actually we had two weird music/tarot coincidences. I was giving this girl a reading about her love life and right before I turned over the first card the PJ song "Love Boat Captain" came on and someone remarked about that. Then later once I'd read for everyone else I did my own reading and I turned over The Tower (which is kind of a scary card honestly, was not thrilled to have that show up in the center of my reading), and just as I turned it over, the PJ song "You Are" came on, but I couldn't think of the name of the song or anything, just that it had lines about towers, and it was like whoa, weird.

Anyway on the last full day it was kind of cool b/c we went to this place called Cup & Saucer, which was actually the first place I ever went in Portland, I think it was over 8 years ago, the first time I met Kelly, and I love stuff like that, when things feel symmetrical in some way. While we were there I kept noticing this woman with this really unique purple and pink dyed hair, and there had been a lot of hair dying at the house, and I felt inspired and impulsive, so that last night, Kelly's daughter and her friend dyed my hair purple with pink streaks. It came out a rich deep purply pink and I LOVE it.

And now I'm headed back north. Feel like I did more in the last month than I do in some years (trips to India not included). It is hard to imagine being back on Orcas. I'm all packed up, and doing laundry before I start the long journey and trying to think positively about things I can look forward to about going back to my place, like sleeping in my own bed, seeing Orcas friends, remembering that fall is my favorite season on Orcas, and trying not to obsessively count the days until I can leave the island again. Already planning a possible off-island day trip with a friend, and looking forward to seeing Pearl Jam and David Cross in a few weeks, and getting my shit together for Denver.

In the meantime I'll probably go back to watching House, Grey's Anatomy and the Office while going through my stuff and making preparations so that I can be ready to move out when it's time to go to the Colorado Center. And of course, counting the days until those three shows premiere. I mean, come on, House is committed, Pam's pregnant and George and Izzie might be dead. That's some excitement to look forward to!

Blogging About Blindness

Last night I wrote a post about the convention I just went to for the National Federation of the Blind, and about the Colorado training center for the blind that I want to attend. That post was inspired in part by the fact that I just started reading the book Freedom for the Blind by Jim Omvig. It was recommended to me by my friend Jedi from my state affiliate.

It is an online book which can be read here, Freedom for the Blind. I am only on the second chapter and already it is stirring many thoughts, feelings, insights and internal discussions, and I can already tell that it's worth reading. I would highly encourage my blog readers to check it out, especially those that are my friends, or those that have other blind and visually-impaired people in their lives.

My visual impairment is a topic that figures prominently in my life but one I have not talked about much, so I think I'm going to do some blogging about it. Already there are several posts swimming around in my mind. Here are some of them:

-The word "blind"

-The "hierarchy of Sight" as the NFB puts it

-Normalcy and Blindness

And lots, lots more. Stay tuned, it's going to be interesting and exploratory and thought-provoking and awesome.


Currently Listening:
"Less Than Strangers" - Tracy Chapman - sad song, and I've been kinda sad lately, so I guess I'm okay that it makes me sad. I freakin' love her voice. She captures so much feeling.

You and me
Had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

Oh it hurts to lose in love
Let anger and cruelty win
It's unfair that you doubt your feelings
And that you'll ever love again
I know that hearts can change
Like the seasons and the wind
But when I said forever
I thought that we'd always be friends

You and me had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

I thought I saw you yesterday
I thought I passed you on the street
I swear I saw your face
I was not imagining
That you stole a glance my way
You walked away from me
My heart it may be broken
But my eyes are dry to see

You and me had some history
Had a semblance of honesty
All that has changed now
We shared words
Only lovers speak
How can it be
We are less than strangers

It's after midnight and I can't sleep so I'm up, pouring over some reading material, distracting myself and thinking things over, and I thought it might be a good time to (finally) post.

At the beginning of this month, I went to a convention for the National Federation of the Blind. It was almost an accident - I hadn't really given much thought to attending. Years ago, I went to a state meeting with a local friend, and had a kind of hard time at the meeting and hadn't gone back. This year, I applied to their scholarship program (and every other scholarship program I could think of or find) before I left for India. Then, about a month before the national convention, I got a call from the president of my state affiliate. He told me I hadn't gotten a scholarship, but offered for me to go to the convention. They were doing this College Leadership Program, for a handful of students who didn't get a scholarship, trying to get more young people involved in the organization, and so they would cover everything - airfare, hotel, registration, even a food stipend. Did I want to go?

At the time, I had been back for barely a month, and already ready for another adventure, so I said sure, I'd go. The conference was in Detroit, and I learned I'd be rooming with a few other people in the program. Sounded cool.

And for the most part, it was really cool. It was also incredibly overwhelming. There were almost 3,000 people there, which is a lot of people to be around for a week-long conference. Plus the hotel didn't have a lot of elevators, so anytime a session was about to start or just let out, or at mealtimes, the wait time, and the crowding at the elevators was intense. The hotel was set up in concentric circles, so you can just imagine a whole bunch of blind people trying to find their way around. There were guide dogs everywhere, and there was a lot of "caning" as we came to call it, especially at the beginning, from people navigating with long white canes.

One of the things I most took away from the whole experience was a feeling of inspiration, seeing so many blind people in so many walks of life and jobs and roles. There were blind lawyers, parents, teachers, workers at state agencies, computer people, scientists and on and on and on. There were blind people working and interning for NASA, which as a former astronomy major, just warmed my heart. I mean, wow, that's so freakin' awesome.

My favorite part of the convention was when I "test drove" a guide dog. I want one so bad, but am still having doubts if I am really ready to take on the responsibility of a dog again. I mean, they sort of tie you down, and I am a free, adventurous girl who likes to go on wild rides, so, I don't know. I talked to the people there about it, like, what about when I want to go on road trips to go to music festivals? What about the next time I go overseas, what about when I go back to the third world? The answers? Well if you are going to a concert, leave the dog home. If you are going on a road trip, you can either take with you or have someone watch. If you are going overseas you can probably take it as long as it is safe for the dog, and if it's not you can board the dog at the school and they will keep up its training. Someone said to me, "Well, if you get a job in Kabul you probably can't take the dog with you, but most places are fine." So I'm thinking about it. My "test drive" was only ten or fifteen minutes and it was a total joy of my time there. And the school I would go through to get one, should I decide to do it, is right outside Portland, so, very convenient.

Another interesting thing I learned about while at the convention is that the NFB has training centers where they teach blindness skills. There are so many classes, like Braille and cane travel (both of which I have zero experience with), home management stuff, cooking, shop (you use power tools in this class - which is COOL - and really learn how to fix and build things, and for a final project you have to build something, complete a project from start to finish, and the examples I heard sound incredible. There's also an adaptive tech class where you learn to use screen readers (also have no experience with that either), and there is a job skills class, that addresses job hunting, career stuff, job shadowing and how to address the disability issue with jobs. And then there is my favorite class, which is called the college prep class, where they teach you alternative skills to deal with highly visual classes like anatomy and statistics. Well I want to double major in English and Bio, so in the Bio realm, I'd probably be taking both of those. I just get all tickled thinking of the possibility to learn skills to fully participate in those kinds of classes. Oh and then the other best part about the program is that you do all kinds of outdoor adventure stuff - river rafting, rock climbing, hiking, skydiving, ropes course stuff with belaying. That just totally rocks my world.

I kept putting off the thought of that center for two reasons, but both reasons didn't last all that long . The first is that I feel a bit ambivalent about whether I need the Braille and cane travel (which is blasphemy to say around the NFB it seems). I read print and I read it fast, even compared with fully sighted folks. I feel almost guilty saying that b/c it seems that is not at all a universal experience with others who were there, but that's what's true for me. I have to look really, really close, which can be a bit socially awkward, but has never been difficult. What I did notice though, is that most of the speakers at the convention used Braille for their presentations, and that was a pretty amazing thing to see - they were making eye contact with the audience, looking very professional, and that struck me as one reason I would want to learn it, so that in the future I'm doing a spoken word performance or going to an open mic or doing any sort of presentation, that would be a great tool to have, instead of having the paper in front of my face. It certainly could be an asset, and wouldn't hurt to have the skills.

As for cane use, I still resist it. I get around okay. I've been so fiercely independent in my life. I went to school in two unfamiliar places, moved across country to Seattle not knowing anyone, never having lived in a city before. I ride buses all over the country by myself, ride the NYC subway (and get my friend Leo and I on the wrong one, winding up in Brooklyn and then figure out how to get us back where we want to go), navigate unfamiliar places, walk around cities at night, fly frequently. I do stuff that some of my fully sighted friends get nervous and uneasy about. And sure, I miss steps, trip over shit sometimes, misjudge edges (my depth perception is off), fall down sometimes (I'm suddenly reminded of our last group meeting in India where we did this thing where we had to say stuff about other members in the group and Willa, starting to feel the effect of her bhang lassi, was hilariously trying to describe how I fall over rocks). So part of me feels like I don't need it. I mastered those concentric circles of that hotel. On the other hand, I really struggled in India, where streets were uneven. I seriously could have used a cane in that situation, and it can never hurt to have additional skills. Also, at the guide dog skills they all say that before you get a dog you should be up on your cane skills. So, again, it definitely couldn't hurt.

The other reason I kept dismissing thoughts of going to a training center is that I am so eager to start college this fall. But then I got my finalized financial aid package and it's awful and after talking to the school it seems there is no way for that to change. And then I didn't get housing either. Both things were delayed (in different ways) because I was away in India. So now it's looking a lot less exciting to go to school in a few months - if I do I will be in mounds of debt, and yeah that is going to happen anyway with school, but the amount scares me. I have lived a pretty debt-free life so far, and I'd like to keep it as minimal as possible.

What I'm thinking now is that what I'll do is go to the training center - the Colorado Center for the Blind (there are two others; I chose this one because it's in a more urban environment that most resembles what it'll be like when I go to school in Portland and also because they have the most outdoor adventure stuff and they are the one that seems to have the most geared towards alternative techniques for science classes). It's a six to nine month program, so I'll do it during this school year, and I seriously think of it as a long-term investment in my life, my school career and future career prospects. And while I'm there I'll be able to get my financial aid and housing applications in super early for the next school year. It's still disappointing to have to push that back by a year, and it's hard for me to let go of that, but like I said, I think going to the center is a long-term investment and will ultimately make school a better experience for me.

So that's my plan for now. Ooooh and there may possibly be an addition to this plan, but it's still so in the works and so uncertain that I'm not going to say anything yet. Just keep reading and if it happens I'll post about it. It's adventurous. Would you expect anything less?

There is a part of me that is sad that I didn't do this sooner. I mean, I get by all right, but in some ways my world is kinda limited and I'd like to do more than just "get by." The way I understand it, all the classes at the center are geared towards very high functionality. In the cooking class, for a final exam, you have to make a meal for 40-80ish people, and I keep thinking that I wish I had been trained in these skills earlier. I spent the last six years working in a kitchen, and I just think how I might have been able to be a lot more efficient, and because of that, able to do more and assigned more leadership roles at work. I know I am pretty slow at cooking stuff, b/c I don't know the alternative techniques and I rely on the eyesight I have, which is limited. And the outdoor adventure stuff, belaying, all of that, if I had known how to do that it could have greatly enhanced my time working as an outdoor environmental education instructor, because part of that job was facilitating high ropes challenge classes for kids. Another part was teaching ecology classes, and I was always so on edge, b/c I wasn't sure what to do about my eyesight, how to work around it when teaching those classes. My eyesight is also a major reason why I haven't applied for other jobs, because it complicates things, it makes things hard, and when I was job hunting in Seattle several years ago, it was so freakin' hard and I never know what exactly to say or how to deal with it in job interview situations.

My disability definitely keeps me stunted in some ways, or rather my fears about it. A lot of things scare me, like applying for jobs, meeting new people, being in crowded social situations. Anytime I am meeting new people, not only in the situation of a job interviewer, but also say, whenever the new staff arrives at camp each season, or I'm being introduced to new people, or meeting someone for the first time, or last year when a friend wanted to set me up on a (pretty ill-conceived) blind date, or on that job as an env. ed instructor, whenever I was getting a new group of students (which was typically at least once or twice a week), I get so nervous and panicky about what they're going to think about my low vision, my pale appearance, and I don't exactly try to hide my blindness, but don't address it, hope they don't really notice until after they get to know me and just generally feel extremely insecure about it. I want that to change. It has a pretty big impact on my life, this insecurity. I am told that at the center you learn how to deal with all kinds of different social situations (I seriously wonder if dating is included in that, hope so, of course b/c I am a boy crazy girl who needs to get her freak on and I know that this insecurity has a huge impact on my dating life as well). One thing that I heard universally said at the convention by anyone who went to one of the three centers was that what they gained most from their experience was self-confidence, and even a little of that, would I'm sure, go a really long way.

So I'm going to do my absolute best to make this happen. I meet with my state counselor on Thursday and we're going to talk about it. I'm psyched. I think going to the center will drastically improve my quality of life. And then I can go to school and kick some ass!


Currently listening:
"Rattlesnakes" - Tori Amos - Lovin' it.

jodie wears a hat although it hasn't rained for six days
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of those rattlesnakes
on account of those rattlesnakes

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront
she reads simone de beauvoir
in her american circumstance
hey..

she's less than sure if her heart has come to stay in san jose
and her neverborn child haunts her now
as she speeds down the freeway
as she tries her luck with the traffic police
out of boredom more than spite
she never finds no trouble, she tries too hard
she's oblivious despite herself
hey..

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront, she says
all she needs is therapy
all you need is love is all you need
ah-ahh

jodie never sleeps 'cause there are always needles in the hay, hey
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront
she reads simone de beauvoir
in her american circumstance
her heart's like crazy paving
upside down and back to front, she says
ooh, it's so hard to love when
love was your great disappointment

oooo
on account of those rattlesnakes
she says a girl needs a gun these days, hey
uh..uh..hhmmmmm
she says a girl needs a gun these days
hey, on account of the rattlesnakes
hey, on account of those rattlesnakes

Can't get these songs out of my head

The Fear You Won't Fall
Joshua Radin

Diggin a hole and the walls are cavin' in
Behind me, air's gettin' thin
But I'm trying, I'm breathin' it
Come find me

Hasn't felt like this before
Hasn't felt like home
Before you
I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way
I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of fallin' in love with you
Is the fear you won't fall

Hasn't felt like this before
Hasn't felt like home
Before you
I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way
I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd call
Thought bein' alone
Was better than, better than

And I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel
This way


And now for something COMPLETELY different, the other song I can't get out of my head is "Paper Planes" by MIA, which totally reminds me of India. I had never heard this song before going there, but people played it fairly often while we were there, and then on the way home, watching movies on the plane, it was in Slumdog Millionaire, only solidifying the connection to India further. I am still catching up on Podcasts from when I was gone (just listened to an awesome and free one of Derrick Jensen with PM Press which you can also listen to here) and I see there is one waiting for me with MIA on Bill Maher's show, and I am psyched for that. So here's the song, I am always singing this at work, which is a little funny.

Paper Planes
MIA

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make 'em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make 'em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

Sometimes I feel sitting on trains
Every stop I get to, I'm clocking that game
Everyone's a winner, we're making the fame
Bona fide hustler making my name

Sometimes I feel sitting on trains
Every stop I get to, I'm clocking that game
Everyone's a winner now we're making the fame
Bona fide hustler making my name

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bombs
Running when we hit 'em
Lethal poison through their system

Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bombs
Running when we hit 'em
Lethal poison through their system

No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my burner, prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell, just pumping that gas

No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my burner, prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell, just pumping that gas

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

M.I.A., third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the KGB
So, uh, no funny business, are you already?

Some, some, some I, some I murder
Some I, some I let go
Some, some, some I, some I murder
Some I, some I let go

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money

All I wanna do is
And a, and take your money
All I wanna do is

I want to check out more of her stuff.
And a, and take your money

The Sun Connections

So, this is kinda trippy. I'm in the midst of what feels like the enormously overwhelming task of sorting through my apartment and deciding what I want to keep, what to sell at a yard sale, what to give away. It is mind-blowing and incredible how much crap I've accumulated. Before I moved to this apartment, I was always on the move, so this never happened. Now I feel like I'm drowning in stuff.

Anyway, just now I was sorting through a stack of back issues of The Sun magazine. I tend to hang on to things so I have them going back for years. There are a lot I haven't read in awhile. What was kind of a trippy experience is looking back through the table of contents of previous issues and realizing I've met a lot of the featured people in the interviews and articles. Some of it's not surprising - I went to a writer's retreat put on by The Sun in 2005, so those connections aren't surprising, but some of the other ones are.

The one I just looked through had a feature article by Reza Aslan, who was here on Orcas last fall for a lecture and reception. Another feature article was by Diane Lefer, who taught at the Orcas Island Writers Festival last fall. She was fabulous, her writing practice comes from a deeply passionate social and political conviction adn she was a real inspiration in that way. And then there was another issue with an interview with Andrew Harvey, who was also recently on Orcas doing a workshop.