Prying Open My Third Eye: January 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Skipping Out

Sorry, but I'm going to have to pass on #FridayFlash this week!

I spent all day wrapping up the loose ends of my school's scholarship application, photocopying documents, turning them in. And then I spent hours tweaking my resume, filling out applications, writing cover letters - all for four jobs. All of them had upcoming deadlines. I'm crossing my fingers that something pans out because they all sounded rad.

Tomorrow I get up at an ungodly early hour to catch the train to the airport for an early morning flight to spend the weekend in Baltimore at a leadership training for the National Federation of the Blind. And I haven't even started packing!

It's going to be a crazy weekend with a lot of time spent on planes (I have a layover each way), and right after I get back, during music class on Monday, I have to do my first solo performance (standing in a group, but singing solo). LOTS going on!

So yeah, no flash this week, but after I get back I will cycle through and read others' flashes. I may have to skip next week too - Thursday is my 29th birthday so I might be occupied, or hungover or otherwise incapacitated!

Have a great weekend everyone. Linda, I hope to see you! People on Orcas: go to Janet Thomas' reading @ Darvill's on tomorrow, the 29th @ 7pm. I am so envious and wish I could be there, so GO! It'll be great. And people in Portland, there is a show tomorrow night on Belmont & 30th (maybe 31st) with five bands. It sounds really awesome, and it's at a place that is in danger of going out of business, so go and support! Also, a girl from my class is playing and backup singing at the show (and she has points in my book b/c during one of our classes, discussing different vocal techniques, she brought up Alice in Chains' "Rooster" and Layne Staley's voice as a perfect example).

Currently Listening:
"Get Home" - Sarah Slean - I FINALLY took my friend Leo's advice and checked this chick out, and I can't believe I waited this long. She's pretty awesome. Her voice is full and expressive and I like her words. I keep having the sense like I've heard her before, especially this song, but I don't know where or when, or if that's just a figment of my imagination. I've been stuck on this song, it grabs you right away. She's a powerful vocalist.

You can stay the night
You can look me in the eye
You can fake your way
To the finish line
But don't you dare profess to love me
When you're lying to another
That's not love, that's just wishin'
Wish and love are not the same thing, yeah

Get home, get home
Take a look at her
You know, you know
That you love her

Mr. Masquerade
Getting good at this charade
Go on fool yourself
With talk of poetry
Don't you dare pretend you're sorry
To me, you're just a tourist
You've gotta stand next to the real one
Cuz you know you'll never be one, yeah

Get home, get home
Nothing more to say
You know, you know
That you'll never change

Oh you'll never change
I don't play the game
With liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Like you

Get home, get home
Nothing more to say
You know, you know
That you'll never change
Oh you'll never change
I don't play the game
With liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Liars and cowards
Like you

Monday, January 25, 2010

Dog's Eye View

I forgot how much I love this band. To most people, I think, they were mostly a one-hit wonder with the song, "Everything Falls Apart," and for awhile, that's what they were to me. Until my friend BlueShine came along. This was back in the Spring of 2000, when I spent most of my time at the Chris Cornell Fan Forum after the release of his "Euphoria Morning." When I wasn't posting at the forum, I was talking to people from the forum on chat. One night, Blue and I were talking about Counting Crows, who I'd just recently fallen in love with and she mentioned Dog's Eye View. It turns out that Adam Duritz from the Crows sings on one of their songs, and she piqued my curiosity.

Then the first time I met Blue, at a highway oasis outside Chicago while on a road trip with some friends from college, she gave me Dog's Eye View's album Daisy, and because she really loves their first album, Happy Nowhere, she also gave me something she'd written about it, giving me a few sentences about each song and snippets of lyrics. It's been almost ten years since then and I still think it is one of the coolest things anyone has ever given me, and of course I still have it. It was like this road map of how the album affected and touched her, filled with little stories, and LYRICS. It was just so awesome, to see music through someone else's eyes, before I had my own attachments or perceptions.

It still took me a bit of time to really start listening, but when I did, wow, did I ever listen! Tonight I was listening to them for the first time in a long time, and I thought I might give my own little roadmap.

DAISY

The first song, "Trouble With Love," is filled with all these wise, knowing, kinda cynical contradictions about love. Like this:

"If you say you need me
I will surely run away
But if you swear that you don't care
Then I'll stay until you do
And then I'll leave

I hate to admit it
But you know it's true
Others tell you differently but they're lying to you
Unless it's me
And then I've truly changed..."

I mean it's kind of fucked up, but it's also really real about what people do, and there is a real self-awareness in it that I really love. Some other favorites from this song:

"Love is blind baby, I did something stupid
If I ever find that little turd, I'm gonna kill cupid"

"1,2,3 let me count the ways
4,5,6 let me count the days
Since I thought about you
7,8,9 let me count the years
Lookin' for a heart to break tonight
I hope it's mine, I hope it's mine, I hope it's mine."

I always liked this song, but I remember one night in particular, I was terribly heartbroken, in a shattering sort of way (that had beauty to it too), I was kind of numb and being really funny b/c that's what I do when things are too much, and I played this song even though it's sort of light compared to what I was feeling at the time. I remember the room I was in was dark, and no one else was around and I just needed to sing something, something that had anything to do with love and how it can suck, and so this song was my refuge.

Another song on Daisy that has some history is "Falling in Place" - I used to send this song to a friend of mine on a somewhat regular basis, and I also meant it for myself in a way, because it just seemed like the music medicine she needed at the time. God that was so many years ago. I always left out the chorus, b/c it's a little too happy-lovey, and didn't seem quite as profound as the verses. So here it is, the way I used to post it to her:

"I put my toes on the floor this morning
Just like every other
For some reason today I was not scared
Through myself at the mercy of the wind
I don't know where I'm going
But I know where I've been and I am bored
I think there must be more

I spent 21 years in mourning
For someone I've never been
It's funny how everybody only sees
What they wanna see
Danger comes in all shapes and sizes
I'm tired of looking for it
If you spend your life avoiding surprises
Are you really living or just giving in?

Don't wanna wake up one day and realize
What I was dreaming of
Was right in front of my shut eyes
Don't want to spend my life
Afraid of saying hello
For fear of saying goodbye"

Powerful stuff. I think it's something that's hard NOT to relate to!

"Last Letter Home" is the song that Adam Duritz from Counting Crows sings on. I love the music to this song. It has a melancholy yet melodic feel. I also tend to like songs that refer to letters, b/c I'm a letter writer myself, and I think there is something really romantic and nostalgic and old-worldy and poetic and dreamerly about letters. So that theme in this song just pulls at my heart.

My favorite line is:

"Hopeless
Hope less and do more, say less and feel more this time."

I like how hopeless is kinda turned around. I also think that second line is something good to live by, and something it's easy to tell yourself, repeatedly, in situations that are stuck. It can be like a mantra.

But my favorite is the last song, Umbrella (funny, when I was trying to find the words to this song, I kept finding the Rihanna song instead, yikes). It's another sadder song, and I love, love, love the chorus, which is just one line that is just so perfect. This song also has the album title in it.

Did you like
Flowers I sent?
You could've called to thank me
Well, you could've called
When I tried to kiss you
On Brooklyn Avenue
But you got in your car
Before I could move

And I've been falling like the rain
But you've got your umbrella in my way

Fists and fingers
Tongues and teeths
I want to see you, I'm tired of my dreams
Nights of wishing I could open my mouth
When I finally did speak
You were nowhere to be found

Yeah I've been falling like the rain
But you've got your umbrella in my way

I had the sun in my hands
I had the sun in my hands
I had the sun, you said you liked the rain
Well I got it all in my hands
I had it all in my hands
but I gave it all away

Did I scare you off
By being honest?
How come we never see the end till it's right there upon us?
If you want, I can go away
But like the rain, I'll come again some other day

I've been falling like the rain
But you've got your umbrella in my way again

One of these days I'm gonna show up in the sunshine
Be a little sunshower
Fall upon you, make you rise up
Like a flower
You can be my little daisy
Be my daisy

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Germs on the Playground (Or, Constant Eclipse - Flash Two)

During recess on the playground, I played with my best friend Lisa, a quiet girl with the straightest, longest brown hair in our grade. We sat in a tunnel and played Outer Space, which meant we named ourselves after planets.

“Do you like New Kids on the Block?” she asked me.

“What’s that, Mercury?”

“A music group. Everyone loves them.”

I shook my head. “I never heard of it.” At my house we only listened to Sesame Street and Disney.

“Oh,” Lisa said. “Hey Jupiter, let’s go to the tower.” I liked being called Jupiter. I played it over and over in my head as we walked across the wooden playground. I wanted to be someone else.

“Ewww!” yelled Awful Andy as we passed by his group of boys on our way to the tower. “Everyone get away! We’ll get Chrys germs!” The boys scattered and shrieked. One of them stopped running, turned and asked, “How many fingers am I holding up?” in a taunting voice. I could see the blurry shape of his hand, but it was too far away for me to make out individual fingers. I would never admit that I couldn't see well enough to know. It would prove they were right in their teasing, and give them more to use against me. Instead of answering, I ran after the boys as they dove away in horror. “I do not have any germs!” I screamed.

They were too fast for me to chase. “You can't catch us, Grandma!” yelled Lance. I knew it was him by his voice, and because he always called me Grandma, for my white hair. “Grandma's too slow,” he said to one of the other boys in the group. They were about ten feet away, and it was hard for me to distinguish their faces, especially because they were boys. Girls were easier to tell from far away because their clothes, backpacks and hairstyles were more unique and distinct. The boys all wore dark colors and had similar short haircuts, so I would've had to be closer to discern the details and separate them by names.

Lisa caught up to me as I made mean faces at the boys in the distance. We could still hear them talking. “She's a ghost,” said one, and I cringed. I hated when they called me that. “It's good we didn't catch her germs,” said another, kicking at the gravel and stirring up clouds of dust I could see. “Did you ever notice,” asked yet another boy in the huddle, “that every time she sharpens a pencil, she puts it so close to her eye and stares at it?” That must've been Kurt, because he always laughed at me after I came away from the pencil sharpener in our classroom and studied the tip of my pencil to make sure it was sharp. “She's a freak,” he said.

“Come on, Jupiter,” Lisa said quietly. “Let's go to the tower and play Outer Space some more.” We walked back to the castle but I kept looking back at the boys, my mouth slightly open. I wanted to run after them, prove that I wasn't a freak or a grandma and it wasn't my fault I had to look close at things like pencils to see if they were sharp, or hands to see how many fingers they were holding up. And that I didn't have germs.

Deep down though, I felt like a ghost, a weirdo beyond weirdos, and even though I wanted to, I felt like I had no solid grounds to defend myself. I sat in the tower with Lisa, and felt more like a mealworm than a celestial body.

Lisa came over my house that afternoon. “Well, how was school?” Mom asked as we settled in with my brother Randy for an afternoon snack. It had to be healthy so we had peanut butter crackers. Mom sat down at the table with us.

“They did the ‘Chrys germs’ thing again,” I said and bit into my cracker.

“Did you provoke it?” She was across the table so it was hard for me to see her features, but her voice made it sound like they must be hard.

“No,” I said right away. “They’re mean, Mom.”

“It’s really stupid,” Lisa chimed in my defense. “I mean, they’re just so dumb. You don’t have germs. And even, let’s say you really did, it’s not like you catch them just like that.” She tapped me quick on the shoulder. “Boop!”

“Right,” I said. Even Randy, who was two years younger and probably didn’t know what germs were, nodded his head.

“Actually,” said Mom, “germs do jump that fast.”

I couldn’t finish my crackers. I was crushed. Sometimes it felt like she thought I had germs too. She didn't ever touch me. I had the strong feeling that she was ashamed of my albinism, of having a child who was such a freak. It was a topic we never touched. That shame seeped into me like osmosis.

*******

This is my second #FridayFlash - short pieces of writing posted every Friday, so keep reading! This is an excerpt from the very beginning of my memoir, Moonchild, a memoir about being a freshman in college with albinism.

Before the bulk of the book is a section called Eclipses, four chapters about my childhood and adolescence before college that really shaped that experience. This one is from the first chapter, Constant Eclipse, which is about my life when I was in elementary school.

Some names have been changed.

Another excerpt from the same area of the memoir:

Constant Eclipse - Flash One

Currently Listening:
"American Cowboy" - Jada - I can't believe I'm publicly admitting to listening to this song, b/c it's soooo not my style, and it's pretty stupid (and I'm not into cowboys, lol), but I blame House for getting me stuck on this song - for anyone who watched Season 5, it's the song from Chase's bachelor party. It's infuriatingly addicting and strangely, I like it, kind of a lot. So there!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Odds & Ends on a Perfectly Dreary Tuesday Morning

First of all, I'm really glad I joined #FridayFlash - it has been really nice to post my work, to see that more people are reading and to read the work of other writers. They're all less than 1,000 words, so it's great to have quick reads like that. I encourage anyone who reads here to pop into the comments section on the #FridayFlash post below and read some of the other Flashers' work. Hmmm, that sounds pretty dirty; I love it.

I also want to direct you to Joy in Hope the organization that my good friend Stargazerleo's cousins are part of in Haiti. They have been living there for several years now. Also, at the end of J. M. Strother's #FridayFlash (he is the creator of FridayFlash) there are some links to aid organizations, including a cross-listing. I have been reading that small donations are really making a difference, so even though I am really not in a good spot financially at the moment, I gave to Doctors Without Borders this morning.

And! Just announced! The lovely Linda Simoni-Wastila is donating $1 for every comment on her Help Haiti post to Doctors Without Borders. If you link her post on your blog, she'll double it! And while you're over there, taking the time to make a simple comment so she can donate a dollar on your behalf, you should check out her writing too, because she's awesome.

For anyone in the Portland area and especially other Portland State students, there will be a blood drive on campus (SMSU 3rd Floor Ballroom):

Monday 2/1 11:00-4:00
Tuesday 2/2 11:00-4:00
Wednesday 2/3 11:00-4:00

You can make a donation appointment online by clicking the link below. You can also contact Gwyn Ashcom at gwyn@pdx.edu or at 503-725-5123 to schedule your donation appointment.

give blood

I'm going to do it if I can - I can't remember what the restrictions are regarding tattoos, but as long as they don't mind that I got one ten months ago, in a third world country, I'm going to give.

Speaking of doctors and international relief work, I came across Redundancy Redefined, a blog by Scott, a member of my study group. The most recent post, The Kurdish Surgeon is an interview with Mina Meman who is embarking on a journey to make a documentary about health care in Kurdistan, which I think is amazing, and the interview is really worth a read.

So many people are doing so many amazing things in the world.

And (maybe?) that brings us to my life which is not nearly so interesting or having such a profound impact on the world, at the moment anyway. It just feels like I'm overdue for some updates.

The first week back in class was really hard. Biology wasn't, but surprisingly, my singing class and my self-defense class both were difficult. In the singing class, we do a lot of movement, including lots of physical exercises to get us ready to sing, posture training, and some movement games, and all of that is really hard for me to follow visually. I felt like quitting after the first day I was so frustrated. I just can't see the nuances of posture or the intricacy of movements so I often can't keep up and it felt humiliating because while others were following perfectly, I just couldn't and felt like I looked like an idiot. So it has been challenging. Add to that that while reading the syllabus I realized we have to do three solo performances that are graded, and there is a whole section on musical theater, which means a lot more movement. I was more worried that this class might bring down my GPA than I ever worried about Biology! Eeeeeeek! But I decided to stick with it. I've always wanted to learn to sing, and the instructor is being really helpful and encouraging, so I decided to keep going. It's gotten easier, now that I'm more used to the movements that we do, and it's gotten more fun and less stressful. Still, the performances seem scary and I'm sure I'll be a nervous wreck.

We also will have a midterm in the singing class, and a lot of that will actually be a test on anatomy. We are spending a lot of time going over the anatomy of the throat, the larynx, the tongue, the ribs and intercostal muscles, etc. And I am loving that part of things.

Self-defense was even harder. The class was in a big room, and there were a LOT of students. I really couldn't follow just about anything in the first class, and felt so frustrated I wanted to cry. The things we were learning in that class, like how to be assertive, yell strongly, etc, are really not my strong point too. I felt like I was one of the shyest people in the class, which only made me feel worse about not being able to keep up. There were some other things that made the class even harder, and I decided not to stay with that class. Since I think I really do need those skills, though, I found something else, which I think will be even better. I found a class offered through the Portland police department's WomensStrength Program. It's free (rather than paying tuition for a credit hour), and they are on the up and up about accommodations, and they said I will have someone working with me individually during the class, that's what they do for visually-impaired students. Right on! And the place is really easy to get to on public transit. The first class is on my birthday.

And then I have Biology. It's been great. This quarter goes at a slower pace than last term, and the material seems a lot easier. Evolution is pretty straightforward. There's been a lot of vocabulary, and new concepts, and I'm enjoying the class, but it's just not as hard, or as frenetically paced as last term. And part of me misses that, because it was so challenging. I notice I'm not quite as motivated this time around because it just really, so far, isn't that difficult. Lab has been interesting, too. They re-structured it a bit from last term. Tomorrow for the first time ever in my life, I will be doing a dissection (of a perch). I feel like I should be grossed out, or have some ethical concerns, but the honest truth is that I'm kind of really psyched, like how fucking cool is that?! I want to see innards. I'll get to see the heart and the intestines and the liver and the gills and the stomach and the pyloric ceca (whatever that is). The thing that worries me most is how bad it's all going to smell. Before lab, I have my first Bio exam for the quarter tomorrow, so it'll be an exciting day. After all of that, I'll be helping a friend of mine from Orcas who moved to Portland awhile ago to go to midwifery school celebrate her 30th birthday, so tomorrow is a loaded day, and I probably should be studying, and reading up on my dissection, but procrastination prevails.

In other news, I'm going to Baltimore for a weekend at the end of the month, for a training program with the National Federation of the Blind's College Leadership Program. I don't know what to expect, but should be interesting. It will be one hell of a whirlwind trip, flying out on a Friday, flying back earlyish on Sunday, and hopefully it'll be worth the time and effort! After the leadership program, the NFB heads to DC for their annual Washington Seminar where lots of blind and visually-impaired people gather to talk to their Congressional representatives about issues that effect the blind community. It goes on through most of the week that follows that weekend, and I'm a little sad I can't go and experience the whole thing, but I have class, performance in music, and my second exam in bio coming up. So I'll just be at the Baltimore part of it, and hopefully that will be really great.

Want to hear something that just makes my day? So, every episode of Grey's Anatomy is named after a song, and there have been some good ones so far - the ones I've appreciated have mostly been classic rock or REM and one Nine Inch Nails - but nothing from any band that I really love. We're on Season 6 here, so I was sort of giving up hope but always really wanting to have an episode named after a song I love, especially since I love to name chapters and pieces of writing after songs or song references. Well I just found out that the episode that comes out on my birthday is called "State of Love and Trust" which for anyone who doesn't know, is a song by Pearl Jam from the "Singles" soundtrack. I love that song! It's quirky but that just totally made my day. I can't wait!

Currently listening:
"Famous Blue Raincoat" - Tori Amos (cover) - probably one of my favorite covers she's done. The song is originally by Leonard Cohen, and if you pay attention to the lyrics, they're like a letter. From what I remember reading, Tori wanted to cover the song, vocally, as if she was Jane, who had stolen the letter and was reading it out loud. I just love the words, the music, the atmosphere of the song, and her voice. It's full of emotion, and has a melancholy feel to it.

It's 4 in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now to see if you're better
New York is cold but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening

I hear that you're building your little house, deep in the desert
I hear you're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
On the night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Last time I saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat torn at the shoulder
Been to the station to meet every train
You came home alone without lili marlene

You treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife

Well, I see you there with a rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well, I see Jane's awake

She sends her regards

What can I tell you my brother, my killer?
What can I possibly say?
Hey, I guess that I miss you
I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way

If you ever come by here
For Jane
No, for me
Your enemy is sleeping
And his woman is free

Well, thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
On the night that you planned to go clear

Sincerely, L. Cohen

Friday, January 15, 2010

Constant Eclipse - Flash One

I was scared that Mom or Dad would kill me in my sleep. Dad was an FBI agent and he had a gun that he sometimes kept in the house. I thought even he was afraid of Mom, who screamed all the time, got hysterically mad and spanked me when I was little. It was her I listened for as I laid in bed in my thin yellow nightgown, reading Nancy Drew by the light of my night-light, while I tried not to think about getting murdered.

My parents' bedroom door opened and I heard Mom’s sharp footsteps in the hallway. They sounded mad. I waited curled on my side with the book under the covers and screamed No, Mom, No! inside my head. If either of them came for me tonight, I’d jump out the window. I didn’t care that my room was upstairs. I’d jump anyway, land mangled on the driveway and run across our yard as fast as I could. I’d pound on our next-door neighbor’s door. If she answered, I’d tell her my parents were chasing me and beg her to protect me. If she didn’t believe me, I’d run faster and pound harder at the next house and go through the neighborhood with wild desperation until I found someone who would keep me safe. It might not last. My parents might follow me, shoot into the distance or use the authorities to take me back, but that was like the second story window and the driveway; if I wanted to survive, I'd have to think about it later.

The bathroom door opened and Mom went in. I kept freezing. She finally stalked back to her room and I breathed. The quiet lasted a few full chapters.

I got up and went to my window. It faced the driveway and our front yard with its giant tree. The moon was out, maybe full, I couldn’t tell. It was big and white and round and it cast shadows through the branches onto the grass. I had a huge feeling of dark and mysterious magic in my chest. If I could touch it, it would be like touching my soul. It would make me huge too, and magic. I stood watching the moon, the tree, and the shadows until I was finally tired.

I woke up early for school. I woke up alive. I went downstairs and talked to my dad about the weather as I got ready for school. I talked to him as cheerfully as possible and asked a million questions in hopes of hearing his usual cheerfulness back. It was reassurance that I would be okay. He was a good way to gauge if anyone was mad at me, because Dad agreed with everything Mom thought. Being downstairs helped me eavesdrop and figure out where everyone was and put me in a much better position to run if I had to. When I walked out the front door, I felt like I could finally fully breathe, and drank in deep breaths of fresh air.

*******

This is my first #FridayFlash - short pieces of writing posted every Friday, so keep reading! This is an excerpt from the very beginning of my memoir, Moonchild, a memoir about being a freshman in college with albinism.

Before the bulk of the book is a section called Eclipses, four chapters about my childhood and adolescence before college that really shaped that experience. This one is from the first chapter, Constant Eclipse, which is about my life when I was in elementary school. It's a pretty intense piece, I admit, but I figure, why not just dive right in?

~Chrys

Currently Listening:
"I Believe in a Thing Called Love" - The Darkness - something about the music to this song really reminds me of The Cars, which is just sort of...funny or something. It's an addicting song.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Albino

Since I am going to be posting some of my writing here, and a lot of my writing is memoir, I thought I'd preface all that with a brief discussion of the condition that I have, which is called albinism, as it obviously colors my story and who I am. I thought it would be a good reference point for future stories. I also thought it would be good for any new readers (and I always want those, and want to make this place as user-friendly as possible) and also for long-time readers because I am still working on being more comfortable talking about it. And I want to welcome discussion, if anyone has questions or comments.

Here it is:

I am albino. Albinism is a recessive genetic condition characterized by lack of pigment and legal blindness. My skin and hair are paler than pale, and my eyes are a translucent blue that sometimes looks red in the light. Since albinism is recessive and fairly rare, I'm the only one in my family with the condition.

As an albino, I'm sensitive to light. Outside I wear sunscreen, and either dark glasses with UV protection or hats with dark brims. Bright light hurts my eyes and makes my eyesight worse, blotting out everything else around me so all I see is blinding brightness.

My eyes move all the time. It's another part of albinism called nystagmus. Even if I'm staring at a fixed point, my eyes jiggle. I don't notice it myself and often feel like I'm looking in a steady direction, but the constant eye movement makes my vision loss visible to everyone else. I live in the murky territory of visual impairment: legally blind, technically classified as disabled, but not totally blind. I rely on my limited vision, a heightened sense of sound and a lot of guessing to get along in the world.

So, there you have it, in a nutshell.

Currently Listening:
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows - oddly sort of almost appropriate to the post, but not really. Hmmm. Some people might know this song from the "Cruel Intentions" soundtrack of oh-so-many years ago, but I know it from their third album, This Desert Life, which is such a good album, and one I haven't listened to all the way through in years. It always reminds me of the spring of my freshman year of college (as does their debut, August and Everything After) - there is something really atmospheric about their songs, even though they don't really come out with atmospheric music. It's hard to explain, it's like I get a feeling I can't really name or hold onto that almost feels like a memory of a past life in a different place when I listen to them. Somewhere hot and humid with warm wind as early as March, with a certain feeling in the air that I really can't grasp. Time to go listen more fully.

I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready, I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded
and unfolding, I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready, I am
fine
I am fine

A Fun, Flash Fiction Contest You Can Vote In!

Want to read some very cool and short fiction? You can vote for your favorite, and the winner gets published in an anthology. I think it's really cool. This whole thing is centered around #FridayFlash, a writers phenomenon thatstarted on the internet and has really taken off. I think it's just awesome to support grassroots writing communities like this.

So go to the #FridayFlash contest site, read the entries, and vote!

I also have to add my own persuasion in here and especially urge you to vote for the gifted and brilliant writer, Linda Simoni-Wastila and her piece, SILVER BULLET. It's excellent. Any readers who may be or ever have been involved in academia might especially enjoy it. Or anyone who's just had a real asshole for a teacher at some point. And that has to apply to just about everyone! So go read it, and don't forget to vote to see your favorite piece get some publication.

I just think the whole thing really rocks.

In other news, I am going to be joining #FridayFlash myself, so look for some memoir writing, fiction writing, maybe another splash or two of poetry, here on Fridays. Some people on here, even those I've known for years, haven't ever seen my writing, so here is your chance. I'll still do other blogs about life and all that during the week. I hope you will read along and check in on Fridays.

In other, less-related news, it is Thursday night and I can't help myself (even though I am a little embarrassed about my over-the-top fandom) from saying how freakin' happy I am that Grey's Anatomy finally came back tonight! My world has been a little dark ever since New Year's Eve adn I can't seem to shake that darkness, and today was definitely a dark day and somehow, dorky as this may be, watching Grey's tonight brought a little light to my smile and brightened my day. And I can't wait until next week, when The Office will also be back. Just loving having that to look forward to on Thursdays and House on Mondays.

But don't forget! Go read the flash fiction and vote!

Currently listening:
"Independence Day" - Ani DiFranco - so weird, this song just came up twice, not quite right in a row, but close, on my iTunes. I've been in an Ani sort of mood lately, and I really love this song. I love sassy Ani, but I also love her softer, dark and brooding like this. And I love the lines about trying to make molehills out of mountains. Just love her way with words.

we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp
on the 4th of july
we sat out on the hood with a couple of warm beers and watched the fireworks
explode in the sky
and there was an exodus of birds from the trees
but they didnt know, we were only pretending
and the people all looked up, and were pleased
and the birds flew around like the whole world was ending

and i don't think war is noble
and i don't like to think that love is like war
and i gotta big hot cherry bomb, and i want to slip it through the mail slot
of your front door

don't leave me here
i've got your back now
you'd better have mine
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal
and did i tell you how i stopped eating?
when you stopped calling me
and i was cramped up shitting rivers for weeks
and pretending that i was finally free

don't leave me here
now that your back
you'd better stay this time
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp,
on the 4th of july
and i planted my dusty boots on the bumper and sat out on the hood,
and looked up at the sky

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Monday, January 4, 2010

"All in the Cold Midwinter and at the Midnight Hour"

Or, what I did over my winter vacation.

I've actually been dying to blog about this but wanted to get some other things out of the way first. Like revamping it and updating it, for instance.

A few years ago, I wrote this post about my favorite winter memory, the second winter I spent living in the dispensary, a perfect cabin at Camp Orkila and how blissful that winter was, revelling in my connectedness to the natural world. I sometimes feel there aren't words for how satisfying in a soul way living there was to me. And it wasn't just the proximity to the ocean, the way I heard the owls and the creaking of cedar trees at night, or the thick woods I could walk through or even the months I lived there while having very little work, or all the great books I read, or the great company I had in my friend Tracy, or the walks by the coast.

Some of it was the house itself. I have lived a lot of places. I could romanticize a lot of them in memory. I'm a nostalgic kind of girl. But the dispensary was different. To me, it was perfect. It's really a cabin, all wood walls, and I just love the coloring and the light, it just really strikes something deep inside me and when I'm there, I feel like I'm sort of spiritually home. And it is not something that is only in retrospective nostalgia. I felt it the moment I first walked in, in late 2003. I remember it so clearly. The regular season at camp was over, there were only a few of us left and this girl who I didn't know too well was living there and she invited me to come over and so I went. When I got there she was on the phone and kept telling me she would be off soon and kept talking and I was just soaking up the surroundings, instantly struck with an affinity for the house, the adorable way the curtains hung on the windows, reminding me of some old camping trip or something. While I waited for her to get off the phone, I had a little notebook w/me and I took it out and wrote a poem about the house. If there is love at first sight, well maybe it felt a little like that. I am a place-lover anyway.

So all that to say, it's been years since I spent any extended time there, until a few weeks ago. I still don't know quite how it happened. I was planning on going to Orcas for the holidays, but was having some struggles arranging it, knowing where to stay, how to get there, and somehow it all fell into place. I took the train to Seattle, met with my buddy and writer friend/mentor Janet who drove to the islands, and some friends who are at camp this winter suggested staying in the dispensary. So I did.

It was blissful. In my heart of hearts it was exactly, EXACTLY what I wanted out of my winter vacation. It was like my own private writing retreat, and I desperately needed something to get me started. Something felt so comfortable there. I sat on the couch where I once read Mists of Avalon for a month, and wrote for three days. I slept in my old room, in my old bed and just tried to soak up every moment of being there. It looks a lot different, with different people's stuff there. In the summer, the house is the "health hut" so there were all these doctorly things in there, which just rocked my world of course, lol. In my bathroom there were all these anatomy charts on the walls. It was perfect.

My first night there, I got in late at night, dropped my stuff off and immediately walked by the ocean. I have missed the ocean. I have missed that stretch of ocean, even during all the years living on Orcas but off of camp, I have missed it. I have missed walking it alone. It had been probably close to five years since the last time I did that. It was weird. I used to do it all the time. I used to know all the trees and major logs and rocks. I used to walk there all the time. That got me through the early winter of 2004, which was my first winter on Orcas, and really hard, and really, really rewarding. I had so many insights and realizations and aha moments walking that shore. I walked in when I was sad, when I was working things out in my own mind, when I was caught up in grief, when I was inspired, when I was happy, and mostly when I was most deeply, really me. That shore, with its cold, softer Puget Sound waves, its inky dark water, its curved shoreline shape, its distant, unreal horizon, its other islands, its sky, became like a real, good, true friend to me and I loved it unequivocally. And knew it. There are so many experiences I could recount that took place there, like the time I went skinny-dipping in the middle of February and how gorgeously cold the water was, but most of the experiences were more internal, personally meaningful, subtle and intangible but palpable.

So it was weird to be back. Really weird. Disconcertingly weird at first. It made me think of that phrase, "you can't step in the same river twice." It was beautiful and somber as always. It was the same. I wasn't. I felt so viscerally the difference between me visiting and walking this ocean now from me who had walked and loved that ocean years ago. I don't know if this makes any sense, or even what it means, but the main feeling I got (aside from being a visitor now, rather than a regular part of that landscape as I felt before), was that I felt taller.

What? I don't know what that means. My actual height hasn't changed. If I felt heavier or bigger it would make at least some sense, but I just kept getting this unshakable feeling that I was taller than the last time I'd been there, alone, at night. It was such a strong, distinct and precise feeling, so unmistakable, but also so not actually true in reality. So I thought it might be symbolic, but of what? I don't know. I do think it meant something though.

I also felt like I couldn't re-enter that old self that used to walk that sea. Sometimes, I sort of do this thing, if I'm really hit w/nostalgia, where I can almost re-enter an older time. The almost part is painful, like it's just within my grasp, so almost there, but always not quite, just almost. In this state I can conjure up the old feelings like body memories and capture a sense or a "feeling" about the older time, something I never would have quite felt when I was in it because it's a sense or feeling colored in by memory. It's hard to explain. But I couldn't do it. I was so not the same person as I once was.

The distance felt so undeniable, an inarguable fact. I felt the distance and I felt like I was somehow more detached, more cynical maybe, though that doesn't quite describe it. Distant is really the word. The tide was out and I climbed up a huge rock that I always used to sit on. I sat there for awhile, thinking about what happened between back then and then. It made me feel sad, and I felt like I should have felt more profoundly sad, and on some level I did, but it felt like things were only getting to that level, and not to anything deeper.

It just got me contemplating, and thinking about how I haven't been writing much, for years. Not really. Not the way I used to. Not anything other than blogs or journal entries. No poetry. No stories. No memoir. When I start, I write for a few days and then I turn away and just don't want to go back to it. Something I've been sort of circling around for months now suddenly became crystallized.

I write because I don't want to feel.

And if I write, I will feel. And if I write, I will write about a particular situation and I don't want to feel one sliver of it. I don't. It was awful. I was in a horrible relationship - that is not to say the guy was horrible, I want to make that clear, and I was no saint either, not by far - but somehow the mixture of the two of us was destructive, to me anyway, in ways I couldn't see until after he left. What kills me, the part I have the hardest time with, is my part in it all, the fact that I betrayed myself. I betrayed myself every day, day in and day out, every day we lived together. I did it so much it became invisible and I stopped even seeing it. For whatever reason, of all the things that happened, THAT is the part I have trouble accepting and facing, that betrayal of self. I shut my mouth about what I thought. I didn't say anything when he would make these outrageously sexist comments that seriously offended me. I didn't say anything when he ridiculed things I believed in politically, I just stopped saying them, or pretended to agree, to keep the peace. And then there were the things that were actually directed at me, that I still would never want to say b/c I feel so awful that I didn't say anything. And those are just the surface-y things. It went so much deeper. I wasn't myself. I wasn't free to be myself. I've gone through a lot in my life, a lot of horrible shit in one way or another, and always I felt like there was some intrinsic, spiritual core inside me that survived, that sometimes was even enriched and deepened by loss in the right context, an inner guide of sort of led me through, and when things got really awful I would often have calming or sacred or healing experiences around nature. It always felt like that part of me didn't survive that relationship. Maybe because I suppressed it and abandoned it at every turn. I've felt really lost. Really afraid to feel. Ever since. It's been awhile now. I don't want to keep feeling that way.

And, sitting on that rock, I realized that continuing to not write is, in a way, just a continued betrayal. There are a million reasons not to write, but that, and the fact that it could be hard doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. All I know is, I feel like that story is inside me, screaming, clamoring louder and louder every day to be let out, to be put on paper so it can be real, so I can look at it and maybe see things I never saw, so I can write into truth that goes beyond what I consciously know, because that's what happens when I write, other ways of knowing surface, some sort of healing alchemy stirs into motion. And I always feel better after. Not always during writing difficult things, but I always feel better after. And a lot of times it's funny. I mean what can you do sometimes when things are really, really dark, how can you face that darkness without a way to laugh? So a lot of times it ends up funny in ways that surprise me, dark ways, ironic ways, funny ways that aren't really funny, not really because they're heartbreaking, but they're also funny. And laughter, like crying, is release. But most of all, when I'm writing, I am really, distinctly myself with all my complexities and not the face I put on for anyone else, or the self I put on in this shitty situation, but wholly myself. And it is terrifying! But also rewarding. So I decided for 2010 I am going to write. I am carving out the time. I don't know where it will take me, and I am really just writing for myself, longhand, but the point is, I am writing. At the moment I'm writing about writing, but still.

As I got off that rock and walked the sea back to the dock, I started thinking about an experience I had when I was living in the dispensary. One morning I woke up really early, just around dawn, and it was one of the most glorious mornings ever. I was in the middle of Mists of Avalon (which I will tell anyone, is a great book to read in winter, it just is). I was at this part where Morgaine, the main character who was trained as a priestess in goddess worship, who has sort of left behind her training to live in the world. Then, much later, at the point where I was reading that morning, she was reconnecting with her roots, rediscovering ley lines and the old ways. Something about the feeling and that morning was so infectious and filled me with this magical feeling like I too was waking up to something. It was winter, right before solstice, but there were some brilliant sunrise colors. I went on a walk through the woods to a place called Chapel Rock in the early light and just felt so inspired and connected to the natural world and like I was coming undone and blossoming inside myself.

Awhile later, when I left camp the first time and stopped living there, I was pretty heartbroken to leave. I feel like people never fully understand this because people are so used to loving people (which of course I do too) but I loved that land. Leaving felt like tearing a part of my heart out. I had never had a relationship with land quite like that and it really, really broke my heart to leave. I had my reasons, and I think they were good and wise, but really, really difficult. I was in mourning in the days leading up to my departure. And I remember my last day of work that time around, being there in the morning, and being really caught up in the mourning, thinking of all the things I was leaving, remembering fall mornings washing the lodge windows and seeing the brilliant colors of the trees, revisiting a tree I had once leaned on in a time of great sorrow, knowing my life wouldn't be quite the same after I left. And it wasn't. I always missed living there in fall and winter with a yearning that could cut through me, and years later, I still sometimes do. I was afraid I wouldn't be my true, in touch, soul-satisfied and whole self that I was while living there.

And I remember thinking that morning, as the hours slipped away, time feeling so unreal, that maybe it would be okay. Maybe we have to lose ourselves or just lose sometimes, so that we can have a morning of awakening like the one I'd had that winter morning, reading about Morgaine's. I even wrote something about it, because years ago, I wrote about that day. Let me go find it.

I’m a little worried still that I might just be numb, but then I think again, so what? Maybe it’s not so bad that we lose ourselves now and again, just so we can experience awakening. Maybe I will indeed have another day like that one in winter when I woke up so early with Mists of Avalon and couldn’t even contain my yearning for life in the wild early hours, when I felt acute and alive like the most divine lust. It’s never a straight path, there are so many spirals and levels that i’m sure there will be more euphoria mornings.

Okay, I must say, reading this years later, I am embarrassed by that last line, b/c it's a reference to Chris Cornell and it's kind of corny, and he sucks so bad now, but the words are perfect for the feeling.

So anyway, a few weeks ago, on the solstice and at night, walking back along the ocean, I was thinking kind of similar thoughts. Maybe it's okay if parts of us go underground for awhile. Maybe we need that for survival, even if it's surviving something that shouldn't be the way it is, something that needs to be changed. Survival always comes first. Sometimes those parts go underground because we need to live in the world, like Morgaine, and maybe that's okay because there is eventually if we allow it, the joy of rediscovery, awakening, coming home to ourselves. And it's somehow richer because there's some mettle behind it, if that makes sense. There's wisdom. There's life lived. Morgaine would have been pretty boring to read about if she had just stayed on Avalon, never joining the struggles of the world and living a human life.

It felt like that is what my journey to Orcas for the holidays was about. It was an inkling. It wasn't as vibrant or as innocent as the morning years ago, but it was a glimpse of how to dig up the buried parts, and for me, it's always primarily through writing and nature. So I'm writing.

I spent the next few days walking around, writing, soaking up the feeling of the dispensary, trying not to forget that thawing out and coming home may not be easy, but they are worth it. And now I'm back home in my new home, and I'm still writing. So, that's something. I guess I got what I wanted for the holidays, and I think I'd take this more difficult gift which might require some wrestling with over anything I could find in a store, any day, and especially in winter.

Speaking of, the lyric I used to title this blog is from a song that Tori does on "Midwinter Graces." And what shocked me is when I came home and had my own little holiday thing in my apartment, drinking hot chocolate and watching (yes, here we go again) the Christmas episode of Grey's (and I love, love, love, love it, one of my all-time favorite episodes, it's sooooo good) and another version of this same song was on there! Love it.

Currently Listening:
"Abnormally Attracted to Sin" - Tori Amos

mpeccable peccadillo
You are off your guard
Pussy will calls there by the church
"don't go in if you are
abnormally attracted to sin"
Abnormally attracted to sin

She may be dead to you
But her hips sway a natural kind of faith
That could give your lost heart
A warm chapel
You'll sleep in her bell tower
And you will simply wake
Abnormally attracted to sin
Abnormally attracted to sin

Impeccable peccadillo
I know who you are
Tales of longing sway
Lost without a verse
Hymns of swing lay low
there by the church
"don't go in if you are
abnormally attracted to sin"
Abnormally attracted to sin

She may be dead to you
Kind of faith that could give
Attracted to sin
To sin
To sin

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Gearing up for Winter 2010

Classes start on Monday! In one sense it feels like I've been on break forever, and in another it feels like it's all starting up again so soon.

My main class will be the continuation of the biology class I took last quarter. This time though, the focus will be on evolution for the first half of the term and plant form and function for the second half of the term. I'm excited for both, though I read somewhere that in the evolution section the students have to memorize phylogenetic trees (basically these charts with branches showing how closely or distantly different species are related based on their rRNA sequences) and that sounds a bit tedious. Still, I'm sure it will be interesting. And I'm psyched for plants, even though last quarter I felt like the chapter on photosynthesis was the one I had the hardest time really committing to memory and understanding. I just think it'll be really fascinating to learn more about how plants, trees, flowers, etc. work. The class will be split between a professor I never had before for the first half, and my professor from last quarter for the second half.

And lab should be really interesting too. I heard from a study partner who took this class last year that the labs are a lot more fun for this quarter of the yearlong class. And I heard from my prof. from last quarter that they are trying some new labs and that sounds like it'll be exciting and fun. I will have my lab assistant again this coming quarter, and a different TA. I'm glad I have it during the week this time around, instead of Saturday afternoons, b/c it meant I could never take off for the weekend or anything, but I did get used to it, and hope I'll get used to having my Wednesday afternoons spent in lab instead.

For anyone who read this post about a course sign-up dilemma that led me to consider taking a singing class, I signed up for it! So I will be taking voice right after Bio lets out, and must say that I'm really looking forward to it. I have wanted to do this for soooo long, and always had trouble finding a way to make it happen, so I am going to soak it up!

At that point I was at 7 credits, and I have to stay at 8 (or under, but not above), so I had one more spot left for a one-credit class, and I decided to take another leap into something I've been wanting to do for awhile - I signed up for a self-defense class. I actually had to go out and find some workout clothes because the only thing I had was from when I was much smaller and definitely no longer fit. It's definitely the class I'm most nervous about. Traditionally, gym classes have been pretty hard for me visually. The human body is an intricate thing and it's just hard for me to see the exact movements that the teacher is modeling, and I'm not too well coordinated or adept at phys ed stuff. It's just not my forte. In fact sometimes in the past taking this kind of class has been downright traumatic and just incredibly difficult and painful.

So I am nervous about it, and trying not to indulge an urge to opt out before I even experience the first class. I'm trying to remind myself that I have taken yoga classes on Orcas, and did gymnastics as a kid and dance lessons in India, so, there is hope. And I've contacted the instructor ahead of time, hoping to find a time to meet and just touch base about my disability. I think it will be a good class, and definitely an important skill to have. I mean I'm a visually-impaired girl walking around downtown in a city by myself a lot. And I like to feel free to do whatever I want, and sometimes that includes going to visit people or places that aren't so close to me and drinking and then coming home on the bus and walking late at night. I mean, I do this anyway, but I would like to feel like I have some skills to protect myself if I ever encounter a scary situation. Especially since I am no longer so into the idea of getting a guide dog.

All in all, I'm looking forward to the new quarter.

Currently Reading:
Day Breaks Over Dharamsala - Janet Thomas - will definitely have more to say about this book as I go along, and as its author begins marketing. It will soon be widely available but for now I think is only at Griffin Bay Books in Friday Harbor, WA, or available directly from the author. So I am going to wait to say more until I can help promote it, because this is a total brilliant masterpiece of real human life.

The Real Grey's Anatomy - Andrew Holtz - I don't know how I happened upon this book, but I guess that is the magic of Powell's Books. This book also isn't out yet, the copyright says 2010 and what I have is a copy that says "Uncorrected Proofs for Limited Distribution/NOT FOR SALE," yet I found it for sale at a discounted price. In the book, the author, a medical journalist, follows the real lives of surgical interns, and has millions of references to lines and scenes from the show, which just tickles me. The coolest part is the surgical interns and residents he follows are here in Portland at OHSU, so it has a local flavor (also cool since Grey's takes place in Seattle, so both have the Pacific Northwest in common). The book doesn't even have a real cover, just a yellow dummy cover. I think it's cool. And it is true that it's uncorrected, I've found errors and I've only read the first few pages so far. This author also wrote a book called The Medical Science Behind House, M.D. but (maybe surprisingly) I haven't read that yet.

Currently Listening:
"Life is Short" - Butterfly Boucher - love this song, from the Pilot episode of Grey's.

When it doesn't rain, it snows
Yeah the cookie crumbles, but in whose hands?
All things said and all things done
Life is short

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Life's too short

Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, Could this be
The day I've waited for?

Another door to peak in through
The floor is filthy but the couch is clean
At the end of the day, it's another day gone
Life is short
Oooh, life is short

Oh, oh, could this be
Oh, oh, could this be
The day I've waited for?

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done
Oh I am young but I have a past
Travelled far to find the start
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt
But life is short

Oh, oh could this be
Oh, oh could this be
The day I've waited for?

Friday, January 1, 2010

"Nothing Changes, On New Year's Day"

Okay actually, though I like that U2 lyric and think it's true, I also believe it's not. I just wanted to say that before plunging into my 2009 Year in Review. The numerologist in me believes in the cycle of the personal years. For a brief overview of what that's about by a numerologist I really appreciate, check out Angelwood Consulting because it rocks and gives a brief overview of the years and how to figure out which one you're in. I'm now in the 9 year (the last of the cycle) and have known about this since the last time I was in a 9 year, and it has been remarkably accurate, in a tenuous, not quite tangible way that these sorts of things often are. So I do believe there are shifts with the new year, and I am a big believer in setting intentions, and that doing so can be amplified by these more esoteric forces. So the fact that new year falls on a full moon, blue moon, lunar eclipse, makes it seem especially auspicious for setting clear intentions. I think these energies are worth tuning into.

Also, since we're on the metaphysical subject, if you want to read a really detailed (and in my opinion a bit too verbose - and coming from the queen of long-windedness, that says something) prediction for January with some attention to the rest of the year, check out Susan Miller's AstrologyZone. Her predictions are so in-depth, and the few I've read (or had read to me by friends) for this coming month, are INTENSE! What a transformational time, between two eclipses. So check it out and milk whatever cosmic connections are headed your way.

And I just must say one more thing briefly before going into this survey, which is wtf has happened to the world since NYE? I mean, I thought it was just me, or my street or neighborhood. It's been ridiculously loud at night ever since NYE. I mean at first it was kind of expected, the screaming and the fireworks and all that, but it's still going on (well not the fireworks but the screaming). That and people driving by with really loud music just BLASTING. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it one bit. I lived too long on a quiet island. I love being in the throes of the energy. But something is definitely up. And aside from the noise issue, I haven't been sleeping well at all. Then today (Jan 4), I saw a post from my friend Trish on Bainbridge Island that no one is sleeping there either, and others replied saying they were having the same experience. 2010 is not coming in quietly.

And as for 2009, here goes: (Side note to Samsara/Leo: just because I'm late with my survey doesn't mean you're getting out of it. Start answering.)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Since I spent three months in India, it seems the list to answer this question is endless: left the continent, traveled overseas, had rice beer, traveled with a group of people I'd never met before, hiked in the Himalayas, experienced Holi, had pink hair accidentally, took dance lessons, hung out on Indian rooftops, saw monkeys, experienced the border ceremony between India & Pakistan, rode rickshaws (cycle and auto), rode in vehicles that drive on the left side of the road, went three months without wearing a seatbelt in the craziest driving conditions ever, was bitten by a dog, had my shoes stolen, ate in a rotating restaurant, got a tattoo (in a group) in a foreign country, on impulse in Calcutta no less, ate street food, walked down "gnarly street," went three months without my music, visited monasteries, went on road passes that were 14, and then 18,000+ feet in elevation, went to a rest stop where I was literally peeing on frozen pee (at the pass), had another person (KAREN) ask me to take a picture of her peeing on frozen pee, told my life story in a group, saw someone (BEN) kill a chicken, visited remote villages, rode a toy train which included standing for six hours and at one point during that time sitting on my daypack and falling asleep leaning on a stranger's leg, ate food cooked over cow patties, drank butter tea, used "eastern" toilets, visited hindu temples, sikh temples, mosques, went to Hindi class, drank a bhang lassi (and later told my former college RA who's traveling in India where to get bhang lassis and got her hooked), saw pot growing outside the Taj Mahal, saw the Taj Mahal, and the GOLDEN TEMPLE, went on a jeep trip at 4 in the morning to see a sunrise that didn't really happen, listening to Peacock (or really, Smokey) on the way there, fell asleep on an airport floor and on my pack in a train station, gave away hiking boots for a flute for someone else (WILLA), ate nutella, watched someone run right into a pole (HILARY) during a scavenger hunt in Delhi, had black boogers from so much smog in the more urban parts of India, went to massage class, took Reiki lessons, ate mediterranean food, met Mr. Jordan and Mr. Sikkim, had a driver who people said looked like Snoop Dogg who drove our group through treacherous terrain and weather and was ultra sexy when he drove, saw cows, goats, dogs, cats and lots of other animals just chilling in the street, ate paneer, used a digital camera, was bitten up by leeches!

I'm sure there is so much I'm not even thinking about at the moment. The places and the people of that trip will always hold such a huge piece of my heart. By far the best thing I could have done. It's one of those things that if I had known, really known how hard it would be, I probably wouldn't have gone, so it's a really good thing I didn't know, because I'm so, so glad I went.

Now, there are some other new experiences unrelated to India that I should also include: lived in a friend's basement for two weeks, met a long-time internet friend after knowing for years and not meeting, took out student loans, went to school part time, took biology in a college setting, went to school totally on my own promptings and desires, lived in a studio apartment, had a 4.0 for a term, read every word of assigned reading (that is a big-time first, lol), put together a couch (it came in two boxes as 45 pieces of wood, tools, directions, gloves and a sander, and it was awesome to "build" it), went to a strip club, went to the rodeo, saw yellowstone and mount rushmore and crazy horse and south dakota's black hills (not to mention Wall Drug), took a camping road trip, rode a streetcar, lived in a downtown setting, went out for a drink before class, went a whole term without skipping a single class, watched all of My So-Called Life. And again, I'm sure there are lots more firsts I'm not thinking of at the moment.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really do regular "resolutions" because when I think of those, they're usually restrictive ("I won't eat chocolate," "I'll exercise every day") that are just impossible and no fun to fulfill. Instead I like to think about goals or wishes. So in looking at what I wrote down last year, I stuck to a good percent of it - applying to school and starting this year, getting new glasses (my old ones were a shitpile), and writing Morning Pages (from Artist's Way). I wasn't perfect on that one, but a lot more consistent than in previous years, and was very daily about it for a large portion of my time in India. Another goal I set was to be more in touch with my spirituality, which still feels lacking, but I felt in touch in India, and at other times throughout the year. As for the wishes, one was for clarity and ease in transitioning to school and moving, and I think that's been good, one was for romance (always) which was completely 100% non-existent for me in 2009. The other wish I made was I guess somewhat fulfilled.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one really close, but my friend and roommate Jeri from the NFB convention is due soon, I believe.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Knock on wood. It really, really freaks me out that I've been spared in terms of having people close to me die. Other than my grandmother, it's just something I haven't dealt with much, not for me personally anyway, and it always makes me feel like at any moment that is going to change, like all this time going without experiencing that kind of loss is going to build up so the universe can deliver some huge wollops. Either that or I'll die young or something. Yeah, it scares me.

5. What countries did you visit?
India and the Hong Kong airport.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Romance (always). A hot lover. A part-time job I love. Oh and a different apartment where I can actually control the heat and don't feel like I'm living in a fucking sauna and wasting energy by the bucketful by keeping my windows open (I'd suffocate if I didn't) and don't wake up feeling like all the water has been leeched from my body. (Aside from that, I'm really happy with my place). Yeah I definitely want to move when my lease is up. My location is AWESOME but my rent price is too high and my place is too small, but the heat thing is what gets me more than those other issues, big time.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
In random order:
Feb 12th - flight to India.
May 7th - return from India.
Sept 26th - signed my lease & saw Pearl Jam.
August 7-9 - Lollapalooza.
Sept 28 - school began.
Dec 7 - school ended (well, the day of my final).
Aug 25 - a nice walk in a park w/a friend.
Sept 23 - the day I left Orcas.
July 2-9 - NFB convention in Detroit.
July 4 - my roommate at the convention (who was also pregnant) had a major diabetic emergency and I went w/her to the hospital (she and the baby were fine, thank god, but it was very scary - at first the paramedics couldn't get her to respond at all and the way they were talking I thought I might actually watch someone die - second time in my life I've had that fear - it was at a point where, "either this is going to work or nothing will - so fucking scary). After we got back we had to switch rooms b/c they had such trouble putting in her IV that there was blood and needles all over the floor.
Dec 21-24 - stayed at my old favorite home, the dispensary at Camp Orkila, walked my old beaches, stayed in my old room and for three days felt reconnected to a very happy time in my memory.
June 19 - last day of work at Camp Orkila kitchen for good.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving India, rocking biology. Making the decision to go to school even after obstacles arose and other opportunities seduced me into having such serious second thoughts that I really thought I would put it off for another year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not speaking up for myself, not being real with people out of fear, keeping secrets and hiding and running away from anything of intensity (and a few things that were just awkward) out of fear. I really want to change these things about myself. I drive myself fucking crazy, I swear. Not writing memoir.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Anything bad?
No. Knock on wood again for this one, I was remarkably healthy this year, which is surprising considering I spent a part of it in a third world country where lots of people get sick. My only real complaint was constipation, and getting bitten by a dog.

11. What were the best things you bought?
I'm going to mimic Tara's answer (I copied this survey from her) and say, does my tuition count? Also, plane ticket to India, for sure. And my couch. Also, a desk! I bought it very synchronistically from a friend from Orcas who's also living in Portland. I was in desperate need of a desk for school and when I went to her house for dinner, found she was really trying to get rid of one and having no luck on Craigslist. I love when life works out like that. Some cool clothes, including some dresses (which will make some people reading this fall over with shock, I'm sure). Some AWESOME lamps. Oh and Grey's Season 5 DVD - I freaking LOVED season 5. And lots of great books.

But probably the thing that has made the biggest impact (and wow I'm a dork), is a dock for my iPod for my bathroom. It's so small, the sound isn't great, but it has made such an impact on my daily life. I feel so much happier while getting ready for the day and sometimes I sit in the bath, reading and listening to music and thinking that life is almost momentarily perfect.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Stealing from Tara again: I feel like I say the same thing every year, but my friends are always doing such amazing things and making such amazing strides, I can't help but celebrate them. More specifically (this is me now): Willa and Maryam for sticking through tough situations at their job or program through to the end and making sure to get something better once their situations were over, all my study group people for being awesome and making studying for biology even more fun with their humor, funny stories, great minds, disgusting medical stories and references to The Office, Mandy my lab assistant, Clarkie for livin' the dream, Edie for taking all the necessary steps to venture out there and make the world a better place at the same time. Janet, for not only writing a brilliant, heartfelt, ironic, wise, deep, activist, fierce, loving memoir, but also for really respecting the writing and the book in a way that I admire in her path to making it complete and published. Linda for writing the crap out of her new novel PURE, which to me feels important and precise and masterful.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people.

14. Where did most of your money go?
OMG rent ($$$!) and tuition ($$$!) and cell phone and other bills and my textbook, bus pass, etc. And the India trip (though I barely spent anything while there).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
INDIA, going to school, Portland.

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2009?
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A. (and it's playing right now!), whatever that "clouds above" song is that Willa and Graham were always playing in India, Joshua Radin, and I'm sure tehre's more but it's hard to really know until time has passed, and you hear a song and it gives you that nostalgia feeling.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Probably happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! For sure! Going from working, even if it wasn't quite year-round, to taking out student loans, well, the math is pretty simple.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, blogging, flirting, reading, playing my (digital) piano, being in nature, being more authentic. Mostly writing.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hedging, letting fear paralyze me, suppressing how I really feel, trying to please everyone else at my own expense, watching TV to avoid things.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Friday Harbor with Janet and a great group of her neighbors and friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.

22. How many one-night stands?
None

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, House and The Office. This summer was torture on all three fronts. Oh and My So-Called Life was so great to watch all the way through - what a smart, real and in a lot of ways brave show. I also found this old show from a few years ago that only lasted one season called Medical Investigations, which is all right, though I must say that House makes a MUCH better genius asshole than MI's main character and makes a much more likable character.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Kind of. Not really hate though, just pissy.

26. What was the best book you read?
Snow Falling on Cedars - so, so good, and about a fictional place that in reality is so close to where I called home. Wuthering Heights was surprisingly great to finally read. Oh, and someone from my study group recommended a book called What I Learned in Medical School, which is a collection of personal memoir essays from non-traditional medical students (single moms, refugees, a descendent of holocaust survivors, students with Tourette's, sickle-cell anemia, OCD, etc). It was a perfect mixture of things I like to read about - the real life stories of real people, medical stuff, and had a huge social justice element. On Friday I'm passing it on to my blind naturopathic physician friend. I devoured that book and read the first half on my recent train to Seattle on my way to Orcas. I have just started a book that I know will make this list for 2010 - Day Breaks Over Dharamsala by Janet Thomas.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am disgustingly hooked on the Grey's soundtracks. Some favorites include Joshua Radin, Butterfly Boucher, Kendall Payne, Rilo Kiley, Psapp, Regina Spektor, Jem, Snow Patrol. Also want to include the songs that my friend Kelly's daughter got me hooked on during our cross country camping travels by Rise Against and The Darkness. Also, this is so NOT new b/c I've loved Tori since just after Christmas 2002, but I really LOVE her new albums Abnormally Attracted to Sin (and freaking love that title) and Midwinter Graces (love that title too, makes me think of Mists of Avalon).

28. What did you want and get?
Again, stealing Tara's answer because it's true: A sense of purpose and intellectual fulfillment. I guess the former I sort of had, but the latter was sorely lacking. (Okay, me again): A decent living situation very close to campus, the excitement and anonymity and pulse of living in Portland, a visit to the ocean, a stay in the dispensary.

29. What did you want and not get?
Boys. A guide dog (though I am honestly still really on the fence on whether or not I want one).

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Slumdog Millionaire, Where the Wild Things Are (just saw it two nights ago).

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28 (in fact, about two weeks ago, someone said to me for the first time, "You're pushing thirty." Aaaah!) I was here in Portland, visiting schools, and spent my birthday evening with Kelly and Elynn at the Sapphire Hotel and it had all this cool lighting and we had to use little flashlights to see the menu and ate some kind of dish with squash in it which made the whole thing just about perfect. Kelly & family gave me a pretty funny card that somehow ended up in my tarot bag and came with me to India, and when I needed a connection to my world back home, I would pull it out. Overall, it was a very cool birthday and not too out of control. Will have to get crazier for 29 :) which is barely a month away (again, aaaaah!). I'm gettin' old.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More courage.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
"If it's not colorful and artistic and pleasing to my own unique sense of aesthetics and expressive and also really hot, I'm not interested." I wore a lot of purple, pink, red and green and a lot of outfits that would inspire comments like House's towards Cuddy. You know, I've gained weight, in interesting proportions and as a friend of mine says when you have bigger boobs there are really only two options, dress real frumpy to cover yourself or show it off, and I vote for the latter so my attire borders on the "come fuck me" side of things. I jokingly told a friend yesterday that my goal is to be a hardcore science nerd who dresses like a tramp, lol. I'm exaggerating of course, but still. Just doing my part to debunk the whole notion that girls are either smart or sexy and not both.

34. What kept you sane?
Good friends, music, long baths in my awesomely deep tub in my new apartment, good books, having a few days to be in the dispensary, on the Orkila beach and in the woods. Nature plays a big part in keeping me sane, if sanity is really what this is. It disturbs me a little that that always seems to be a question.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I always have a thing for Maynard, and always have the hots for Derrick Jensen's writing, so those two always have a place in my answer. Oh and I wanted to take reeeeally inappropriate pictures with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Obama at an inauguration party on Orcas last January, LOL just because it would be so wrong. Mostly instead of celebrities I just lust after fictional characters, like Alex from Grey's.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Universal health care.

37. Who did you miss?
It would be a much shorter list to ask who I don't miss. So many of my friends are long-distance. Special shout out to Tracy, Leo, Caren, my India peeps, Maryam, Clarkie, Edie, Claire, Forest, Elynn, all the people I didn't get to see on my recent trip to Orcas, and many, many, many more.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My study group - Alicia, Ryan & Scott. My India group - Hilary, Willa, Desmond, Nina, Ben, Andrew, Karen, Graham. Though not exactly "new" in terms of knowing a person, meeting Aaron was very awesome. Also have to include Katie O, Donna and Gaza - probably the coolest people I met at Orkila this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Doing what scares the fucking daylights out of you is one of the most valuable things you can do, and it is a LOT easier said or contemplated than done. Also, it is good to keep the wild part of you alive and well, the reckless childlike part that wants to run across the streets or roll down hills or have pillow fights - it's good to indulge that sometimes, keep yourself young and vital and alive the way children are - passionately, intensely, vibrantly and full of awe.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Gotta go with this one, this song was in my head so much during my trip.
"I have ended up in India, ohhhh
With no map to guide me home'
The strangest place I think I've ever been."
~Kendall Payne, from "Scratch"

Currently Listening:
"Always in My Head" - Psapp - I must say I have no idea what this song is supposed to be about, has almost a disjointed, almost psychedelic but in a subdued way sort of feel.

One step just behind me
One stretches out ahead
Some walk just beside me
Some already dead

I fumble with time, keep walking
Just beside me
I want to watch the tread
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

Pace that quickens now to breaking point
I sprint across and here we are
I'm running up ahead and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

So step just behind me
You're stretching out ahead
We walk just beside and
We're already dead
I'm dancing in the light and still I tip over
Watch our fortunes cross
Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

Oh and always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head

New Year, New Blog Look, New Blog Address for 2010

I've been feeling the urge to overhaul this place for awhile now, so familiar readers will notice a completely different look, and lots of updates. For the first time since 2007, I put some new pictures on here, updated my profile, started a section where I can post any writing credits and updated my writing resume (which was about two years overdue).

So, I hope you enjoy!

I hope to be blogging more in 2010. It's funny, I was looking at my old stats, and it seems I've increased by 5 posts a year, steadily, since I started this blog in the summer of 2007. I'll see if I can really amp that up in 2010! I'd love to get on some sort of weekly schedule.

I also changed my URL - I just felt funny about having my full real name on there. It made me feel like I didn't really have any privacy, and of course a blog isn't really private, but still, changing it up a little makes me feel a little freer to post more candidly. And that's important to me. So, the new address is http://chrysanthymum.blogspot.com. The Chrysanthemum part comes from my India trip - Willa Rose named me Chrysanthemum and I loved it. It's probably a good thing I didn't go with my other India nickname (sex pot)!

So Chrysanthymum it is for now.

Also, in light of the new year, I don't exactly believe in resolutions, which are usually all about self-restraint, but I totally believe in goal setting and intention setting, I'm kind of hooked on it, you might even say. And along with writing, blogging more and kicking ass in school, I want to set an intention to be more honest and authentic. For anyone who watches The Office, think Pam in "Cocktails" from Season 3 (love that episode).

Authenticity can be an issue for me in blogging. I have no idea who does or doesn't read this, and because of that I can tend to tread too lightly for my own likely, and it's my freakin' blog, so it matters if I like it.

So, I feel I should issue a bit of a warning to the feint of heart: I'm going to tread less lightly. If you are offended by sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, cursing, atheism, political thought on the left side of liberal, metaphysics, you might want to avert your eyes! I would rather be real, even if people don't like it, than to sit here, not blogging b/c I'm so worried what this or that person will think of me. It's no way to live, so, yeah, I'm going to try less knee-jerk self-censorship. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Currently Listening:
"Elepant" - Damien Rice - Listening to 9 Crimes - such a great album. LOVE his voice in this song, holy shit.

This has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down
Someone else on top

You can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why d'you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
It's easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
And do you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I'm lately horny
So why would she take me thorny?

What's the point of this song?
Or even singing?
You've already gone
Why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it on, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie

Prying Open My Third Eye

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Skipping Out

Monday, January 25, 2010

Dog's Eye View

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Germs on the Playground (Or, Constant Eclipse - Flash Two)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Odds & Ends on a Perfectly Dreary Tuesday Morning

Friday, January 15, 2010

Constant Eclipse - Flash One

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Albino

A Fun, Flash Fiction Contest You Can Vote In!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I Am Not Your Touch Tank Sea Star

Monday, January 4, 2010

"All in the Cold Midwinter and at the Midnight Hour"

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Gearing up for Winter 2010

Friday, January 1, 2010

"Nothing Changes, On New Year's Day"

New Year, New Blog Look, New Blog Address for 2010

My Written Words in Print

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Monday, January 25, 2010

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Friday, January 15, 2010

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Monday, January 4, 2010

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Friday, January 1, 2010

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