Unbidden Praise

is so awesome becomes it comes so unexpectedly.

Today I was walking through town on my way to get groceries. A friend who was in town to get mail saw me and we walked through the Farmer's Market to catch up quickly. She went over to the San Juan County Fair yesterday, on the "big island" and ran into our old writing teacher, and a man who once came over to talk to our class. This was over three years ago, during our last class in Spring '04. He gave a talk on self-publishing and then (apparently, I barely remember this) stayed to listen to us read our work. I've never seen him since.

So my friend ran into him yesterday at the fair, and told me that he said to her, "Oh I remember your class. There was this young, tall, blond girl. She was such a fabulous writer."

Since everyone in the class was older than me by decades (some of them by many decades) and no one was even close to blond, we assumed he meant me. When my friend told me this, I was blown away. I was really just starting then.

Not starting to write - I started that when I was in elemementary school, but I was just starting to get back to it after years of some crazy life experiences (stories for other days, for sure) and just starting to write memoir. Wow! That made my day.

I almost feel like I'm in a charmed moment in my writing life. After all the good things at the conference, with random people telling me they like my writing, and now this. If ever I wasn't certain that this is what I'm meant to do (well actually, I'm not sure I believe in that concept, or at least I enjoy questioning and exploring it), and I have had moments of doubt, I am more certain than ever now.

And it couldn't come at a more opportune time. I am seriously thinking, okay planning on returning to school to get my Bachelor's degree, and maybe go on to grad school after that. There are writers I'd soooo love to study with. I am hungry to improve my writing, to get feedback, to be CHALLENGED to write better, more vividly, more clearly, more honestly, more deeply, more rawly and more gorgeously. I am also excited about taking non-writing classes too. I always liked having a mix. Fuck, I'd be psyched to take math (I've always loved it) or something scientific here and there just to balance out my right brain/left brain split.

My one hang-up is that I blew off school my last semester, during one of those moments of doubt, to put it mildly, and during a time when a need for adventure and independence overtook any notion of going to class. So I'm worried my poor grades my last semester will deter me from getting accepted at school, and all this unasked-for praise, or comments on my writing ability really have me floored, in a good way, like, yes, I can do this.

I sketched out my admissions essay just now, and feel great about it. I am so ready for this new phase of life, wherever it might take me.

I just hope there's not another shoe, waiting in the wings to drop at some amazingly inopportune moment.


Currently listening:
My huge brown puppy rearranging herself on her doggie bed

I work so much better when I'm working

It's a proven fact in my life: I get more done creatively when I'm working. I work at a YMCA camp, doing dishes and prep cook stuff. The days when I'm scheduled to go in, I get up, put in some hours on my book, take care of errands, and go in for my evening shift.

On the days that I don't have work, I take napes, go on instant messager, do nothing, ell myself I'll get to my book later. I think the downtime is good for sure, and that my mind, heart, body and sirit need the rest and relaxation. I just find it a bit odd that I get my best creative work done when I'm also working.

I mean, ultimately, I'd love to make enough from my writing to be able to quit a day job. In fact I've had times in my life where I did quit day jobs in order to focus on writing. Sometimes it's been helpful and I've gotten tons done. Other times it hasn't. So maybe the correlation isn't so direct.

I am very strongly considering (I should probably say planning on) going back to school. I've never had great study habits. I worry a lot about how I'll balance school, work, schoolwork, writing, other fun things, and relaxation and time to breathe.

I guess for now, the point is to get as much done with my book as possible. Actually, it's one of my days off, and writing this post makes me itch to get back to revising my work. I'm on the chapter I was most afraid of. It's too long, too scattered, not held together by much, and it needs a lot of fixing. I think after this chapter, the book is mostly there, and done. That's not to say it doesn't need some re-working, it does, but I think it's more minor. Everyone who's read the manuscript really sailed through the last half and thought that was pretty complete. Just gotta get over the hump.

Currently Listening:
"Oh Well" - Fiona Apple

"Orestes" by A Perfect Circle (Song of the Week)

(Again, a MySpace re-post)

Continuing this whole idea of writing about music and life and how they intersect by randomly choosing songs.

Orestes

Metaphor for a missing moment
Pull me into your perfect circle

One womb
One shape
One resolve

Liberate this will
To release us all

Gotta cut away, clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you

And from pulling you down with me in here
I can almost hear you scream

Give me
One more medicated peaceful moment
One more medicated peaceful moment

And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility

Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue
Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you
Keeping me from killing you


Funny, I turned on my iTunes, hit play, and had a feeling a second before it started that it would go to this song. I don't know if I want to write about it, this song has one of THE most personal, private meanings for me.

So let me start somewhere else. I see numbers and letters as different colors in my mind. It's somethng I've done since I was little, and never consciously. If I think of the word apple, I see red and green (A is red, P is green, and usually the first and most prominent letters in the word define the way I see it). If I think of a number, like 37, I see the same colors in opposite order. It's hard to explain, but it's like, if I set my alarm, it has to be to a number that goes well together. Sometimes the colors are more like vibrations, like it's very hard for me to describe the colors associated with 8s or 9s or 1s, but I feel them. Yes, I know this is strange, and is probably some form of synesthesia. It is what it is.

So, A Perfect Circle. My friend Adam sent me a burned CD in the summer of 2000 with all the APC songs, plus a few Tool songs mixed in there, so the track numbers were off. On this mix CD, Orestes was track 6, and 6 is a pale blue, one of my favorite colors. Whenever this song comes on, even though I know it's really the fifth song on the CD, I get that pale blue feeling. To me it feels soooo 6. So that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling from the beginning.

And Maynard's voice is velvet here. I've never actually read the words before posting them here, so it sorta changes my perception of the lyrics - I had never realized he was saying "umbilical residue" - and gives me lots to ponder. Before, I always thought the song was sorta ominous, with the whole "keeping me from killing you," bit, and the overwhelming hostility, but I also always felt this song was very sensual, what with the "pull me into your perfect circle," and just the way he sings it. There was an element of transformation too, with that whole, "One womb, one change..." I remember once walking home from an acupuncture session, maybe three years ago. I don't remember what happened in the session, maybe it was the time I finally let the acupuncturist put needles in my stomach (the thought still freaks me out), but I remember I felt there had been some profound change, and as I walked home, downhill down a looooooong dirt road, I could hardly keep from bursting into Orestes. It was the only way to take the big feeling I had inside into something intelligible. The whole walk, it was stuck in my head.

More recently, last winter, well let's just say there was a night. I was slightly drunk on cheap wine and slightly drunk on winning rummy, and I sang this song to someone, over and over (at their request, really), staring at the ceiling. I hit every note, or was at least drunk enough to think I did, and sang it from my core, and I felt awesome, like a rock star, like I could really SING. Then we went on and I sang Sleeping Beauty from the same album, a song that I always think of as track 9.

And that was just the beginning of a really incredible evening, I'll leave it at that, and that I will ALWAYS love this song, no matter what happens, because of that evening. Whenever it comes up on my iTunes, it's a good omen. The fact that it came up first today, is awesome. Outside, for the first time in awhile, it's clear and sunny and warm and all the birds are out. Spring is here, and I am happy.

First Draft Writing Vs. Tweaking and Re-writing

I'm now about midway through the third draft of my first book, a memoir, tentatively titled Moonchild.

Well, that is, first book if you don't count the "book" I wrote in high school, a novel about a group of teenagers on a cabin trip who discover that they are vampires and struggle with how to deal with that. I wrote it all, and edited a lot, then sent it to a friend's English teacher (since I wanted the opinion of someone who didn't know me, who'd be unbiased), and edited some more. I looked back at it while in college and was mortified, and so glad I'd never done anything with it!

So, now here I am, ten years later, working on another book and right in the middle of the re-writing process.

Years ago, on a forum I used to frequent (which no longer exists), a friend posted one of Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Horoscopes. I wish I could find it or remember it verbatim, or even which sign it was for. I can't though, so I'll just sum it up. It was about creativity and how advice in the arts goes from, "Whatever you put out first is the best, most true piece of work, don't edit," to people who suggest re-working a piece to the point of exhaustion. In the books I've read on writing and the classes I've taken, it's true that the philosophy teeters between the two.

Well, I have three planets in LIbra. Granted, they're distant, slow-moving planets, but still I feel a compulsion to try to balance the two extremes.

I love first-draft writing, sitting down in a chair and pouring my soul out onto paper, following the muse down any tangential wormhole. I love not knowing where I'll end up. I love the litle scenic detours into uncharted territory, the free associative, unconscious connections. That's not to say it's stream-of-consciousness writing, not really. It just happens that a lot of times I'll be writing about one story and get sidetracked into telling another, and another. I remember details I didn't consciously keep in mind or even have access to before I started writing. I love the raw writing, and I feel that sometimes there's ligtning in it, a quickness, connections and leaps I would never come to if I was in my editor's head and thinking too much about what I was doing. Sometimes the most unique, unedited, beautiful truth comes out.

But I have to say, just because something comes out raw and gorgeous and true, doesn't mean it comes out in finished form, or even readable. Sometimes I need to mold it into a more concrete story, taking out the tangents and extraneous characters who don't add to the narrative. Sometimes I realize the real juice is in the tangents and I have to draw them out, integrate them into the story, or make them their own separate short stories. Sometimes in trying to get at a feeling or mood in the first draft, I'll describe it in several different ways, and in re-working it I have to choose the description that is the most precise for what I want to convey, or craft that precise description out of the several different ways. Sometimes in first draft writing I've written something out of habit and I need to look underneath that habit to get at the core of something. Sometimes my first attempts have a lot of telling and summary and I need to go back and enter the stories more completely and tell them in their wholeness, as scenes. Sometimes I need to make it more alive. Sometimes I need to cut entire sections that I love because they're distractions. Sometimes I find that I only scratched the surface of something difficult and I need to go back and live inside the grit for a bit so I can bring that out and fully explore it in the story. Sometimes it's really hard work. Sometimes I read an original version of a chapter and want to throw a tantrum because it seems so unfixable.

But you know, I also look at it, even if it can be a ton of work and a pain in the ass at times, and think that the fact that I'm so frustrated by earlier work is a sign of growth as a writer. If I looked back at first versions and thought they were perfect as is and didnt' need any work, then I'd be in the same place as I was when I wrote it. It's probably good that I'm not, that I'm moving forward and improving my writing. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get to the point where my first drafts come out a lot better, and in less need of work. I don't know what the answer to that wondering is, and if I ever find out, I'll let you know.

My point though, is that I think both processes are equally important, and sometimes (more and more), even equally enjoyable. I think of re-writing as sifting through words for gems of lightning and polishing them off so they shine more brilliantly.

Currently Listening:
"Suggestions" - System of a Down

Another Rejection Letter

About a month ago, I sent out a short story of mine called "Dark As Roses" to Realms of Fantasy. The story isn't all that fantastical. It's mainly about regular people and events, but the main character has the ability to see colors around people depending on their moods, and the core of the story is her struggle to either run from her ability and the complications that come with it, or to embrace it and find a way to live with it. I guess the term for that kind of story is "magical realism," or at least, that's what I've heard.

Well, today I had it returned with a form rejection slip paper-clipped to the manuscript. It's frustrating, but it's so common in a way, to myself and to all writers at some point, that I don't even feel that disappointed. Or, at least not yet. Sometimes it's like I have a time-delay reaction to things.

One thing that gives me reassurance is yesterday I read an interview with Janet Fitch, author of White Oleander, probably my favorite book EVER, and she wrote about getting rejected for years, and how when she got accepted somewhere, she had a party and papered the walls with her old rejection letters. So, it happens to all of us.

As they say the only thing to do is to keep trying, so I think I'll go back to working on rewriting my book manuscript.

Currently listening:
"Angels of the Silences" - Counting Crows

Cards, Signs and Numbers

As it says in my profile, along with being a writer and a music freak, I am also a tarot card reader, astrologer and numerologist, so I thought I'd take a little time and write about these things.

It's funny, I believe in these metaphysical sciences, and my own intuition when using them. I feel I have a pretty keen psychic sensibility (really, I think everyone does, to varying degrees), and have used these vehicles to harness that potential. There are times I know things beyond the basics of what a card or birth chart might indicate. In fact, especially with tarot, which I feel is my strongest of the three modes, I'd say that pretty much always happens. I get a sense of something beyond just the card, or because of the cards, I feel something in my own emotional field that is more than just the picture on the six of wands, for example. Also with tarot, the cards can be interpreted differently in different situations, so I feel there is something else at work there, some gut instinct, along with knowing the cards really wel.

Actually, one time, when "applying" to work at a metaphysical shop doing readings, the owner asked me to give her a reading using marbles, which I had never done before. So I was without my cards and signs and couldn't rely on their meanings, so I really had to go with absolute gut instinct, the images that came to mind and the feelings they evoked. And it worked. It was a great revelation to me, because the self-critical part of me always thinks that maybe there's no magic and no intuition, that all I'm really good at is memorizing meanings of cards. The marble experience pushed me to go beyond that, and I hope I will someday have more experiences to help further my intuition and my reliance on it.

That's the right-brain part of me. The left brain part of me is a complete skeptic that any of this works. In fact, I think my skepticism is why I like astrology. It's metaphysical, but it involves a lot of math, with degrees, angles, aspects. I always liked math. BUt yeah, I'm skeptical and cynical about the same thing, which makes it nice when I do readings and people tell me how much it fits their life, or when people come up to me months later and say that everything from their reading came true. It always surprises me because that more science-minded part of me just doesn't fully trust that cards and signs mean anything. But, I think they do.

I also think they don't preclude free will. I think all these things show tendencies, patterns, the way the wind is blowing, rather than inescapable absolutes. My personal beliefs lie somewhere between predestination and free will (a topic I love dissecting and discussing to no end), and that the two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

In all of these areas, though I have been working with them for awhile now, I am still learning. Every time I give a reading, I learn something new. And I love that. I feel like I'm constantly honing and deepening my skill and understanding. Then there are things in these disciplines that bug me or that I wonder about, and I'm sure I'll be blogging more about it all.

Anyone, on to a brief description of my own relationship to the the three tools (or toys, as I sometimes like to call them):

Currently Listening:
"Famous Blue Raincoat" - Tori Amos
(Leonard Cohen cover)

Tarot

A card reading can focus on a specific question (like, what's the forecast for my relationship with my dreamy lover? Or, what's the best way to approach the situation with my evil boss? Or, I can't decide whether to move or stay where I'm at, what might come up with either possibility), or they can give a general outlook.

The great thing about tarot is there are soooo many different spreads, so I can tailor mine to each individual seeker's needs. If they want a light reading, a three-card quickie spread can usually do it, and there are vast and varied readings for those looking for more in-depth insight. There are spreads that specifically look at health and disease, financial situations, should I or shouldn't I options, relationships, luck. THere's a "flying bird" spread that's great for anyone taking a leap, whether it's starting a new business or artistic project, or contemplating any bold move. There's a High Priestess reading (with a hidden card) that indicates what path a person is on. There are couples' readings at all levels (from a few cards to a lot of cards, depending on the level of information a person wants). There's a short diamond spread and a longer Celtic Cross (and a few others) that give a general overview of what's going on, why, and where it's going. There's a Golden Dawn reading that looks at more than one psosible path, and in depth at what a person is contributing themselves, and what's coming from the outside world. There are all kinds of readings to look at a person's overall strengths and weaknesses, or their overall nature and core issues.

I often think of tarot as a way to organize and look at possibilitiees and trends ina person's life. Usually the outcome isn't that surprising to the person asking the question, but (at least I hope) it's a lot more clear and focused.

Currently Listening:
"All Night Thing" - Temple of the Dog

Astrology

In chart readings, I look at the position of all the planets at the time of a person's birth, which makes up a person's birthchart. Some "planets" (in quotes because a few aren't technically, scientifically planets, but are referred to that way in astrology) have more of an influence than others, like the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus and Mars. Once you get to the bigger aand more distant planets (which move more and more slowly through the signs), I tend to think their influence in a person's chart is less. Another interesting thing to look at is the ascendant, or rising sign, which I think of as the secondary Sun sign in a way. For those who aren't familiar with astrology and its terms, whatever sign you look up in the newspaper to check a simple horoscope is your Sun sign. So, if some guy comes up to me and says, "hey baby, what's your sign?" and I answer that it's Aquarius, that's my Sun sign.

In a chart, each planet in a sign is also in a house, which gives more depth of understanding to the inner workings of the person. After studying all those signs and houses, I would also look at the concentration of elements (like, for example, I have an insane number of planets in air signs and air houses, which indicates certain things about my personality). There are other things to look at too, like if all the planets are concentrated in a certain area of the chart (which is basically a circle divided into twelve sections, simply put). Then there are aspects, where each panet is in relation to each other. Does a person's Venus oppose their Mars? Does their Jupiter square their Mercury? Does their Sun trine their ascendant? All of these give even more insight into a person's core make-up. Also in relationships, it's always interesting to look at how people's charts match up with their partner's. I know that if if someone handed me a copy of my chart, and the chart of the person I currently love, I would look at it and be able to describe some of our relationship issues in detail. Of course, some of that's because I know us, but a lot of it's in the stars too. Like I said, I don't think it's set in stone, but I do think that charts give a good overview of a person's tendencies, stregths, hang-ups, quirks, issues, interests, behavior patterns, psychological makeup, and more.

There's is also something in astrology called the North Node (sometimes called the Moon's True Node), which I always put some extra emphasis and focus on. What it often indicates is what a person is working towards, or what their purpose is in this life, or major life lesson. Always with a North Node, a person is moving away from one sign and towards another. So, for example, my own North Node is Leo. The sign opposite Leo (and therefore, my South Node) is Aquarius, so part of my life path is to move from Aquarian tendencies to Leo-ish tendencies. I find studying the North Node to be one of the most spot on tools for pinpointing what core issues and hang-ups are, and also indicates what strategies a person can use to work through these things and to live a more satisfying life.

Currently Listening:
"Tremor Christ" - Pearl Jam

Numerology

In numerology, I look at a person's birthday, their birth name, and any changed names they might have. The numbers in these indicate again, tendencies in a person, what's emphasized in their lives, what they're working on and what would help with their personal growth. Sometimes a person can look at how different possible changed names would draw out some elements and downplay others. I have a client who felt so overburdenened and overworked, and not surprisingly, all her numbers were about work and responsibility. She was considering whether to go by her full name, her first and last, or her middle and last, for her art career. After studying the numbers in each, I found that one of the possibilities had a lot more emphasis on creativity, art and fun. There is also a personal year, indicating what the theme of that person's year will be. They go in a cycle of nine different personal years. Then there's a pinnacle, which says what the overall focus of that nine-year cycle is.

One cool thing I like to do with numerology readings (which, I have to say, I really just love, because I love numbers), is that with the birthday numbers, there are corresponding tarot cards that indicate a person's soul purpose, life purpose, and shadow/teacher element. I especially love that last one, and have found it to be tremendously insightful. I love combining the cards with the numbers, because it gives a visual, and a depth to the numerology reading.

"Lateralus" by TOOL (Song of the Week)

(This is a re-post from my old MySpace blog)

While visiting the east coast a week or so ago, and listening to music on the long journey there and back, I started thinking about the songs on my discman (yes I still have one of thsoe and no MP3 player or iPod yet) and all the different meanings they have for me, the memories, the thoughts on the lyrics, the favorite lines, and somehow out of that I had the idea to do a weekly blog about a song, any song. Music is already so woven into my writing, and it's like I always want to isolate the most meaninful lyrics, somehow convey to other people what it means to me as if could just sort of import it somehow. That isn't exactly possible, but I thought doing this might help expand it.

So, the song on my iTunes at this minute, and the first Song of the Week is:

Song: Lateralus
Band: Tool
Album: Lateralus

"Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going"


This song is actually a bit of a mantra. Especially during the last year, I constantly find myself tapping the rhythm of the drumbeat right before he goes into "Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind." I absently drum that rhythm all over the place, usually without even noticing it right away - while sitting at the computer trying to think of a word or what to write next, sitting in bed writing, sitting in my big recliner chair watching TV, on the kitchen counter and just about anywhere. I don't usually believe in coincidence, so as a chronic, obsessive, borderline neurotic over-thinker and over-analyzer, I always think of it as my gut instinct's way to give me a little reminder, like a tap on the shoulder.

It's funny. This is definitely the Tool album I took longest to get into, even though it was the first one I ever owned. My friend Stargazer gave it to me five years ago as an early X-mas present, but it wasn't until years later that I really delved into the band. And for some reason, maybe because (in my own very humble opinion of course) this album is more evolved, more cerebral, more spiritual and ethereal while their other albums are rawer, louder, less complicated, though still deep. WIth the others I had an immediate gut-love of the songs, this one took more time and listening.

What really sealed the deal for me and this album, and particularly this song, was boy trouble. That'll get ya every time, won't it? I liked this boy very much and we hung out a lot and I constantly obsessed and analyzed and was like what does this mean, did I do the right thing, omg this or that or whatever. I didn't know how to talk about any of it with him either. I asked for advice on my favorite online music forum (which no longer exists), and a friend who knows I love Tool said something like, "Maynard got it right," and then posted that lyric. Before then, I'd never noticed the words to the song much. But it was so clear, so pointed, so exactly what I needed to hear. And so it became a mantra. I tried to remind myself of it whenever I got into that thinking too much brain spinning phase. Because it's totally true. If you think too much, you lose the lightening, the nerve, the juice of something, and you do lose touch with your intuition. There is such a thing as thinking a situation (or anything) to death.

Recently I had a freind who, as a freshman in college now, had some boy trouble in the same way, and I passed the line on to her. That's the beautiful thing about music, the way you can pass it on, make it your own, get your lessons from it and use it as a reminder. I've seen Tool three times this year, and every time they've played this song. Every time I hear it live, I yell along, as if I'm singing to myself too.

Another weird thing about this song is that somehow, one day awhile ago while walking home it was stuck in my head, and I walked along, kinda singing it in my head in time with my steps, especially the end, where it goes "spiral out, keep going" over and over, and I started thinking about sex and somehow got it in my head that I wanted to lose my virginity while listening to this album, lol. I'd also recently had a dream that linked listening to the album and hanging out with my favorite boy, a very vivid dream, so maybe the walking was just a further cementing of themes in the dream. After that, among some friends, the phrase, "I'm listening to Lateralus" was code for "I had sex last night." So for that alone, the song makes me smile.

Aside from the personal links, I just love the lyrics, the whole "As below so above and beyond I imagine. Push the envelope. Watch it bend." And I love that he says "weep like a widow." I love the sort of out there spiritual nature of the song, almost urging you to go beyond your limits, embrace the random, push your comfort zone, encounter the divine. In a lot of ways I think it's about courage, about living in the moment, about not letting things hold you back, about taking life head on with all its different phases. As a person who teeters between "chicken shit" and "courageous animal" I usually feel I could use a dose of that.

Sept. 15 - Target Date

So, my friend Linda and I have set Sept. 15 as the target date to finish our manuscripts. She's writing a really awesome novel with immensely compelling characherts and gorgeous prose. I've read a few earlier versions and have seen her novel evolve and grow stronger, more immediate and more specific. I have supreme faith that hers will be polished and perfected by our due date.

I'm a little less sure about my own, and maybe it's simply because it's my own. I worry that it isn't compelling enough, that characters aren't distinct enough, that people won't relate, and the like. I suppose everyone wories that about their own work, and maybe it's a good thing to be concerned with these things, because I'll be conscious of them in the back of my mind at least, during revisions.

Mainly though, when I edit, rewrite and revise, I go through chapter by chapter. First I read the chapter over, without making any comments or notations, just read it. Then I free associate thoughts in a notebook for awhile, and these thoughts aren't usually technical (as in about the craft of character, etc), but more about if I feel I really captured the events and emotions. A lot of the times the answer is, "not quite," and I find places that could be stronger, more scene and less summary, events that detract from the overall story, confusing or overwritten sections, passages where I can go deeper and bbetter weave in with the rest of the story.

Sometimes I find rewriting as satisfying as writing. Other times I put it off and avoid it, because it is work, because sometimes the areas I want to explore deeper are painful ones, because in a way, as a writer, I have a lot of wordy tricks to avoid myself and these painful areas and rewriting often means peeling back the layers of words that veil things, and instead find words that unveil them better.

So, I'm just about halfway through, and hope I can get through the next half in the next month and a half, and hope I won't need too much more revision after that.

Currently listening:
Silverchair - "Paint Pastel Princess"